Book Jacket

 

rank 2717
word count 103636
date submitted 17.02.2012
date updated 22.07.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Chick Li...
classification: moderate
complete

Reconstruction

Shannon Stewart

Getting pregnant was not supposed to happen to a smart girl like Lauren. Especially not when the father is her dad's boss...

 

Lauren isn't impressed with Clay, her dad's boss. But something changes that Friday, when Clay sits by her on the tailgate and whispers in her ear. He only asks about the bathroom, but something in his lopsided smile and deep voice makes her face burn, makes her turn and inhale the scent of him, before she can answer.

Lauren’s twenty. Clay’s thirty-four. She can't think about him. She has enough trouble in this dried-up West Texas town. Her family expects her to marry Brian and raise a house full of kids in a double-wide. And Lauren has plans of her own: to get away from Brian, get out of town, and get a college education. Even if she liked him, there is no Clay in her long term plans.

Until Clay gets her pregnant. Then Lauren has to make a new plan. That single-minded goal of independence has driven her for so long, but she'll have to put it aside to accept Clay's help.

Then the baby is born too early and doesn't survive. How can she ever want anything from life again? And if the baby was all that bound her to Clay, walking away shouldn't hurt so bad.

 
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construction, emotional, family, fiction, heartbreaking, life, literary fiction, love, new adult, pregnancy, relationships, romance, texas, women's fi...

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3

Brian worked all weekend, and other than a few text messages, there was no chance to talk to him until Monday. On his break, he left her a voicemail, and between Psychology and English she walked out of the Liberal Arts building to call him back. Her heart pounded and her mouth was suddenly dry. She still hadn’t figured out what to say. But she was determined to get it over with, so she told him to meet her for lunch. Long John Silver’s was close to the apartment complex where he was working. He wanted to meet there.    

On the drive over, she tried to string words together. How to create a string that would efficiently deliver the message? Just, say it, she thought. She needed to be concise and blunt.

But sitting in front of him, she started out hedging.

Brian, you know I’m not going to school at the junior college for the fun of it right?” she asked after he sat down with their food. Come on, Just say it.

“Yeah, I guess.” He took a drink of his Dr. Pepper.

“Well, I’ve been thinking.” She paused. He didn’t look at her. He was occupied with divvying up their food. Just say it. “When I get as many credits as I can at the junior college, I’m going to transfer to Texas Tech.”

Uh, how are you going to do that? We can’t afford to move to Lubbock.” He turned his attention to the stray crisps of fried batter on the tray.

She stared at him, amazed. She had finally broken the dreaded news to him and he was unmoved, engrossed in his greasy fast food fish. “I can.”

“You can?” He looked up at her.

“I have money saved, and I’m going.” She watched his face as his eyes widened with understanding.

“So you’ve been thinking? You just thought this up?

She nodded.

Sounds like you’ve been thinking a lot. You didn’t think I’d need some time to think about this too?”

“You don’t need to think about it. I’ve already decided.”

“You decided? When exactly did you decide all this?”

 “Before we graduated high school.”

“And you decided to wait almost three years later to tell me? And now I’m supposed to move to Lubbock?” he asked. “I don’t know anyone there. How’m I supposed to find a job? Did you decide that?”

She took a deep breath. “I’m going by myself.”

“And what am I supposed to do? Wait for you to come back?”

“No.”

He searched the room, as if he might find an explanation on the menu board or by the soda fountain. When his eyes rested on her again, he opened his mouth to speak, then stopped, and stared at her.

“You’re going to have to get on with your life without me,” she said.  She had to make sure that she was clear, that he wouldn’t walk away with any hope.  Her throat tried to close around her words as she continued, “We aren’t going to be together. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”  Her last words trailed into a whisper. She looked down at the table, unable to watch his face any longer.

When he managed to find his words she could hear his anger boil up under his disbelief. “You can’t just decide that. You don’t decide something like this and then tell me about it after the fact.” Then he snapped back to his first response, the assumption that she was asking for permission. He tried dismissing the idea again. “It isn’t going to happen,” he said with finality, clearly hoping to put an end to the discussion.

She had a wild thought that the control he tried to wield now was not new. Maybe he always felt like he owned her, and he only wanted to have her properly ensnared before he laid down the law. That thought solidified her resolve. “I can decide that, and I have.”

“But what about our plans, Lauren? We have plans.”

“You’ll have to do it without me.” Her voice was monotone, controlled to hide her frustration.

“But I planned my whole life around you, Lauren.” His anger started to fray, unraveling into distress.

She had been stonily unmoved up this point. But this was the argument that she felt most defensive about. Most guilty. So she snapped her answer without thinking. “Brian, you haven’t planned your life. Around me or otherwise.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? What do you call my savings account? I was planning on buying us a house.”

“And then?” she asked, knowing she sounded childish. Knowing any discussion was pointless.

“And then we were going to get married.”

“And live happily ever after? The end?” She leaned back in her seat and changed her approach. “Brian, you never even asked me if I wanted to get married. You decided. But I don’t want to get married. I don’t want kids. Did you even know that? That I don’t want to have kids?”

“Why?” he asked, sincerely shocked. Maybe a little disgusted.

“Because I don’t want to screw them up. Because it’s hard to raise kids.”

“I’ll help you. We’ll do it together. You won’t have to work when the kids are little.”

“You know…” she paused, and searched for the words to say what she was thinking. “If I don’t work, then I’ll have to answer to you for the money that I would need to take care of those kids.”

“So you want to work while the kids are little?” He looked confused but hopeful. She had to stop this.

“I don’t want kids at all. And I don’t want to be someone’s wife and live out someone else’s dream. I want my own dream. And my own dream doesn’t include living my whole life and dying on the same patch of dirt. This isn’t news. I’ve told you this. ”

“But you can’t be serious. Why wouldn’t you want to be a wife or a mother?” Then he looked sick as an idea occurred to him. “You aren’t a lesbian, are you? Oh God – don’t tell me.”

“Yeah Brian, I’m a lesbian.” She slammed her palms down on the table so hard the plastic tray bounced. “Look, all you need to understand about me is that I don’t want to be with you. Okay? Does that make sense? Because if it does, then you pass the test and we can move on.”

 You know what? No, I don’t understand that. I have never been anything but good to you. I have always taken your side. Always. When you fight with your brother — your mom — I’m always there for you. You don’t know how good you have it,” He took a breath and his eyes were suddenly wet and red. “You don’t want to be with me?” He got up and pushed the tray across the table. “Fuck it. Don’t be with me.” And he walked out.

She sat alone for a while, feeling empty and sick. There was no way she could eat the greasy food in front of her. When her heart quit pounding, she felt some tears of her own springing up. She couldn’t believe it was done. The adrenaline wore off, reality set in, and she was wiped out.

#

She made it to her next class and didn’t hear anything the professor said. When class was over she looked down and realized that she had been staring into space instead of taking notes. Blank. Her mind and the paper. On the way out, she asked to borrow notes from a girl in front of her. The girl smiled happily, clearly open to making friends, but Lauren could barely muster a smile in return.

By the time she went to work that night, she already started to feel relieved at having the deed finally done. She even felt lighthearted and optimistic when she told Maricella. She had to work at not smiling. It’s not okay to be happy about this, is it?

“Girl! What happened? Why?” Maricella was shocked. “Did you get into a fight? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” She couldn’t help it — she smiled. “Great actually. I needed to break up with him. We just… I didn’t have those feelings for him anymore.”

She wasn’t about to discuss life plans with Maricella. Maricella might have had life plans of her own. But then Maricella’s first boyfriend shot a convenience store clerk who tried to stop him from stealing gas. Her oldest daughter’s father was in prison and would probably never get out. So Maricella faced her parents, had the baby alone, and dropped out of school when she couldn’t stand to be away from her little girl long enough to graduate. Two kids later, she was managing Thunder Burger and wondering what her husband was up to while she was at work. 

From what Lauren could see by watching people she knew, having kids looked like a sure path to a life of dependency and barely getting by.

 “Well, you can’t help how you feel. The heart loves who it wants, right?” She shook her head and said, “But still, it kinda sucks. He is a nice guy,” then went back to the grill to put on some patties.

Even in the daily grind of working and raising kids with a husband she couldn’t count on, Maricella talked about true love like it was the only thing worth living for. But all Lauren knew of true love was Brian, and that kind of love felt like a trap. Having been in that trap for most of her life, freedom was the thing Lauren wanted most out of life. This first taste was almost intoxicating.

#

When Lauren went home that night, Brian’s truck was parked in front of their trailer. She thought about driving past the house without stopping. Then she saw him sitting on the steps. He must have seen her. She parked and got out of the truck, walking to the front door. Heavy with dread, she hugged her book bag against her chest, shielding herself.

Brian — ” She spoke first, hoping to stop him before he could start, “it’s late and I’m tired. I have class tomorrow and I really need to go to bed.” She had learned her lesson at lunch. She was not about to say anything that could start a discussion.

“Please Lauren. What did I do wrong?” He was crying — probably had been since lunch. “I’ll fix it. Whatever it is. I’ll fix it.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She resisted the urge to sit down beside him. “Brian, there’s nothing you can do to fix it. I don’t want to be with you.” Oh God. This was so hard. She was afraid she would be sick.

“I just don’t understand. We’ve been together forever. I know everything about you.” He held out his hands and turned them over, empty palms showing. “I’ve thought about it all day, Lauren, and I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do without you. Like, how do I go to sleep at night not thinking about you? How do I go to work every day if I’m not working to buy us a house? The whole thing was built around you. So now, what’s the point?”

“I shouldn’t be your reason to live, Brian. You don’t even know who I am. You’ve been around me so long you don’t see me anymore. If you did, I’m not sure you would even like me. If you did, you wouldn’t be so surprised by this.” She moved past him to the door, and rested her hand on the knob as she tried to wrap up the conversation. “But it doesn’t matter now, Brian. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. If there was a way to fix it I would have. I would never hurt you like this if I didn’t have to.”

“You don’t have to do this Lauren. You didn’t give me a chance. You never talked to me.” He twisted around to look at her. “I would have done anything. I will do anything. I’ll wait for you to come back. We can figure it out.”

“No we can’t. The best thing you can do is get over us and move on,” she said, trying to be firm, even though he was making her doubt herself. He was right, she hadn’t sincerely tried to make it work. She had thought a lot about it. About how to get free. She hadn’t exactly considered what it would take to stay with him while she finished school. But what was she going to say, “You’re right! I hadn’t thought of that. I take it all back.” That was an unbearable thought.

“I’m going to bed Brian. I don’t want you to wait for me, and I don’t want to drag this out. You need to go home.” She went inside and closed the door on him. Junior glared at her as she passed him on her way to her room. She wanted to cry but she wouldn’t let Junior have the satisfaction of seeing that.

#

She expected Brian to come back and try to talk to her again, but he didn’t. He didn’t even call. And she guessed she had Junior to thank for that relief. After that night, when Brian spent time with Junior, it wasn’t on the orange couch in front of the TV anymore. Several nights a week, Brian picked Junior up from work and Big Jim came home alone. She could just imagine Junior’s remedy for Brian’s heartache involved long discussions about what a selfish bitch she was.

Lauren still went to the job-site on Fridays, and Junior ate the lunch she brought, but he didn’t spare an unnecessary word on her. He talked to Big Jim as usual and acted like she wasn’t there. Big Jim obviously felt the rift between them, and tried to encourage a truce by being even more cheerful than usual.

She didn’t talk to Junior either, about Brian, or anything else. She wasn’t about to ask him to forgive her for the decisions she made about her own life. He could kiss her ass.

#

Junior was out with Brian that Saturday, when Dan and Sharla had a cook-out to celebrate moving in together. So it was Big Jim and Lauren who drove over to the east side of Curt to congratulate the couple of two-weeks. Clay’s truck was parked in the driveway of the tiny house and Big Jim parked on the street out front.

Inside the house, the living room was dark and paneled. But she saw Clay, behind the bar in the kitchen, where sunlight streamed through the window over the sink. The room was thinly furnished with a wagon-wheel couch and a shelf made of gray cinderblocks and unfinished lumber. Two carnival prize mirrors, one with a rose and one with a unicorn, hung over the bar. And on the far wall, over the couch, two eight-by-ten portraits hung from thumbtacks that split the paneling in long cracks to the ceiling.

“Where’s Junior?” Dan asked as he followed them to the bar. Lauren winced. Even Lauren had to admit Junior was more fun at a party.

Oh, he’s over at his mom’s,” Big Jim answered, and if he thought it was Lauren’s fault that Junior wasn’t there, he didn’t let it show. “She needed some help with the yard.”

Sharla looked at Lauren, “Isn’t that your mom too?”

“Yeah,” Lauren answered. Then she turned to Clay and changed the subject before Sharla could stumble into that mine-field. “You sure have been spending a lot of time around the O’ Hair crew. Does your mother know what kind of company you’re keeping?” she asked. It was odd the way he kept showing up to their get-togethers. Beyond polite.

“I’m a long way from worrying about what my mother would think,” he said, with a grin. Then he bent down to get a beer from the cooler, and she felt his hand on the small of her back as he slid past her to follow her dad outside.

“Do you know his mom?” Sharla asked when they were gone.

Oh, no,” she answered, grateful to Sharla for being so literal. “I was just joking.” Um, no, Sharla, that was flirting. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Oh. I thought y’all knew him from before the hospital job, or something.”

Lauren was grateful to Sharla again. At least Lauren wasn’t the only one who thought Clay seemed out of place.

Her dad came back inside and held up two grocery bags. “Hey Sharla, we brought some beer and steaks. Where do you want ‘em?” He sat the bags on the counter, not waiting for her answer. “Is here okay?”

Lauren smiled, knowing he was anxious to get outside to the concrete patio where Clay and Roy sat in lawn chairs. She wanted to be outside with her dad too, but if she went with him he would only send her back inside. It would be rude to leave Sharla alone in the kitchen while she cooked their food. So Lauren situated herself on a barstool to peel potatoes over the trash can while she tried to make conversation.

“Are those your little girls?” she asked, pointing her knife at the pictures on the wall.

“Yeah, those are my babies. Twila and Starla. They’re seven and nine now. Those are old pictures.” Sharla looked up from the box of beer she was unloading into the cooler and smiled at the pictures.

Lauren searched Sharla’s face for signs of sincerity, some clue about this woman living without her children. Sharla’s thin lips disappeared around her tobacco stained teeth, too large for her mouth. Her hardened skin was still white in the crevices around her eyes. But there was still something missing, something dead there, and her smile faded too fast.  

“Where are they now?” Lauren asked.

“They’re with my parents in Indiana. Dan says once we get settled they can come stay with us. I’m gonna set up the other bedroom for ‘em. Then if they come and visit they’ll have their own room. I can’t wait.”

“They’re beautiful,” Lauren told Sharla, politely getting up to give the portraits a closer look.  “They’re going to be drop dead gorgeous when they grow up. I can’t wait to see them,” she said, knowing she was playing pretend. Let’s pretend you and Dan will be together long enough for me to meet them. Let’s pretend that a new man is the solution to their problems, when it was probably a sting of men who caused those problems in the first place.

“Oh you’re gonna love ‘em,” Sharla said.

When the steaks were ready the men were back in the house, filling their plates from the stove, and finally, Lauren made it out to the patio, where no one would expect her to hold up her end of a conversation. Roy hung a trash bag from a nail on the side of the house. Dan propped one of the speakers up on the back of the couch so that KCRT played through an open window. And Lauren settled into her folding lawn chair to eat her steak and mashed potatoes from a paper plate balanced on her knees.

With the warm sun on her face in the dry spring air, she drank her beer and watched the scene playing out around her like a movie. She slipped into that generous frame of mind that she admired so much in her father, seeing these friends as the colorful characters they were, acting out their parts in their own life story.

Big Jim lit a cigarette and waved it around while he told his stories, like cursive writing in the fading light. The ember glowed with every drag he took, bold punctuation for added effect. He held court with his friends, telling war-stories from his marriage, only loosely based on the truth. It was his own form of art to package these events up into funny snips, distilled of any pain and bitterness.

“You know, I bet she still thinks I dumped my ashtray on her toothbrush on purpose,” he said, his eyebrows drawn down in a mockery of regret as he dropped his cigarette butt into his empty beer bottle.

Ahhh man…. You know she does!” said Roy, the only one of the O’ Hair crew who knew Big Jim while he was married.

Lauren’s sundress had been a good idea in the light of day, perfect to celebrate a warm afternoon off of work. But it was still winter in the long shadows of the setting sun. When the light finally disappeared, there was a tint of purple under the goose-pimpled skin of her bare legs. She crossed and re-crossed them, trying to keep warm.

Lauren waited for a break in the story telling, leaned forward in her chair, ready to ask her dad for a ride home. But before she found her chance, Brian’s Nissan came down the street, vibrating Toby Keith through rolled-up windows. Lauren looked at her dad’s face, saw his eyes brighten when Junior got out of the passenger side, and she settled back into her chair. She could tough it out a little longer.

Sharla got up to look for more chairs, but Clay stopped her.

“Take mine,” he said to Junior, “I gotta get back to my room and take care of some scheduling problems.”

“Uh, Clay? Lauren saw the opportunity and took it so quickly she surprised herself. “Do you mind giving me a ride to my house? I’m freezing and I need to get home. I have to work tomorrow.”

“Oh hey!” Big Jim said, starting to get up. “I can take you home. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t mind,” Clay said, “It’s on the way.”

Cool.” Lauren stood up, satisfied with how neatly the whole mess resolved itself. She wouldn’t have to freeze, or suffer the cold shoulder from Junior and Brian. And she wouldn’t feel guilty for making her dad leave. “Junior just got here, Dad. Stay.

The relief of her escape faded quickly as she followed Clay to his truck. By the time she opened the passenger door, and arranged her skirt on the seat, the memory of that other party seized her. Oh how grateful she was to have kept her mouth shut that night. As it was, this short ride home would be uncomfortable as hell. But anything was better than being stuck with Brian and Junior.

She buckled her seat belt and stared at her hands. Not even going to make small talk. Just going to count down the minutes until it’s over. 

“You and Sharla seemed to hit it off,” he said as he started the truck. “You two have a lot in common?”

It was a hot flash of indignation she had to smooth off her face before she could look at him. But when she did, he was grinning at her. And something caught in her chest at the sight of his crooked smile. She laughed. Damn it. 

“Don’t judge me!” she said. “You were right there with me, hanging out with everyone. And you don’t even have to.”

She was relieved that he was joking, flattered in spite of herself, not to be lumped into the same class as Sharla by someone like Clay.

“And you do have to be nice?”

Uh, yeah! My dad was there.” 

That’s funny. I didn’t take your dad as a stickler for etiquette.

He put the truck in reverse, and with his foot on the brake, he turned and studied her face. Under his gaze, something bold rose up inside of her, and she lifted her chin and smirked at him. He laughed again, and put his hand on the seat behind her shoulder as he looked out the rear window to back out of the driveway.

“It’s not like I wanted to be rude. I just would’ve had more fun if I hadn’t been stuck inside. But Dad would be disappointed if I left her in the kitchen by herself,” she said. “You’d have to know my dad. He isn’t worried about etiquette. He’s worried about other people’s feelings.”

“Well, you did a good job being considerate of her feelings. He should be proud,Clay said as he turned off of Elm Street and onto Sanger. “So does he have some kind of threat over your head to make you behave so well?”

She scrambled for a generic answer to keep the conversation superficial, afraid he might decide she wasn’t that different from Sharla after all if she said too much. “Something like that.”

“Something like that? What is it?” he pressed. “Does he beat you? Ground you? You seem a little old for that.”

“Um well… he pays the bills for starters. I am a little old for that,” she said. “I’m a grown woman and I don’t make enough money to pay my own way. I’m not going to intentionally make him mad. I mean, if I can help it.”

“If you can help it?”

Lauren looked at Clay for a long moment, trying to imagine what she could say that would discourage his questions. She was not interested in giving a Jerry Springer-style rendition of her personal problems to this stranger. “You know, the usual stuff. People that live together don’t always get along.”

“Well everyone knows you and Junior aren’t getting along. I just didn’t think it was serious until now. Is that why you beat a path out of there?”

“Yeah,” she said, surprised that he cared. It was a little distracting to know her dad’s friends were talking about her squabble with Junior. What has Junior told them?

“And Brian is taking his side?” he kept asking. The conversation was moving faster than the drive home.

“Um… well, that’s not exactly how it’s going down, but Brian and Junior are definitely on the anti-Lauren team, to say the least,” she answered vaguely. How many minutes left?

“What did you do? You seem like such a nice girl.”

She couldn’t imagine that someone so interested in the details hadn’t already heard them. But he was grinning at her again, and something in the creases around his eyes told her that he was not on the anti-Lauren team.

“I guess I’m not that nice. I broke up with Brian, and they’re all taking it hard.” There I said it.

“So what did Brian do?”

“What do you mean what did he do? You mean when I broke up with him?”

“No, I mean, what did he do that made you break up with him?”

And just like that, she was defensive again. “Nothing. He’s perfect. Apparently I’m the one who’s defective.”

“I was only asking. You two looked happy sitting on your dad’s tailgate.”

It’s just a sticky situation. I need to hurry and get through school. I don’t know how much longer my dad’s patience will hold.” She danced around his question and found herself rambling. Especially now that Junior is so pissed… uh… I mean mad at me about Brian.” She stopped, feeling exposed and uncertain. “Listen, I’m really not in the habit of pouring out all of my personal business to strangers.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be pushy,” he said and seemed willing to relent. Then when the silence had become almost comfortable, he started again. “But, I would think your dad would want you to go to college.”

She looked at him, and he kept his eyes on the road. Her initial opinion of him had changed from their first meeting on the job-site, but only slightly. His accomplishments were admirable. He was polite and considerate. Quiet. She took him for a nice country boy from a good family — the kind of person who is good with no effort, unaware of any other option. Considering his job, his money, his status —he didn’t have much to overcome to get to his moral high ground.

“Well, that’s how they make it look on TV, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know what it’s like where you come from, but it isn’t that way for me. I mean, I’m sure my family doesn’t mind if I go to college, but it’s kind of like getting a makeover. It might make me feel good about myself, but it’s not necessary for being a wife and mother."

“I think it’s a little more than a makeover, no matter where you’re from.”

“Well, to me it is. But is it fair for me to waste time and money on school at my dad’s expense? Especially when all I have to do is marry Brian and my dad would be free.”

He nodded slowly, as if explaining the obvious to a thick-headed child. “Most parents would rather see their daughters get through college before they get married. And most parents help their kids with college, whether they’re getting married or not,” he said.

Finally, he stopped the truck in front of her house. It was dark, and he angled into the driveway, shining the lights on the front door.

“Yeah? In what universe? She was irritated, but she tried to pass it off as a joke.Let’s take a survey. Let’s start here in this trailer park. Let’s ask how many people’s parents paid for their college.”

For someone who was so smart, he was pretty dense about the realities of life. She got out of the truck and looked at him a little longer before closing the door. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t imagine life from her perspective. She certainly would have a hard time imagining it from his.

“Hey, thanks for bringing me home,” she said, and closed the door. “You saved me.”

“My pleasure.

She noticed again how much she liked his deep voice.

Lauren went into the house and didn’t bother with the lights. She turned on the TV and lay down on the couch to watch the news. She had to concentrate, refusing to replay her conversation with Clay over in her mind. She would not waste time guessing what he must think of her. It didn’t matter. And there were plenty of other, more relevant, things to worry about, like the solar thermals that were unique to the area. According to the local newscaster, they were drawing gliding enthusiasts from all over the world to the annual area glider races.

Chapters

3

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Tod Schneider wrote 299 days ago

Critique-wise I only found a few extremely minor word choices or errata to nitpick in chapter one. Of course, these are just my suggestions, so do with them as you please!
I'd cut "that silt" and just say "it smelled of her father". That would continue the poetic flow of the paragraph more cleanly.
I'd cut "then" and just say "He squirted a packet of taco sauce." We can tell when it happened without you saying "then."
"That was fast (cut: comma insert: period)" She paused,..."
Like I said, pretty minor stuff, but every little bit helps. Best of luck!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Tod Schneider wrote 299 days ago

Your writing is really first rate! Your descriptions are finely crafted, and you've got a good handle on keeping the action and dialogue moving without getting buried in backstory or flowery language. It all reads very smoothly, and its easy to empathize with Lauren. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

DWBrown wrote 307 days ago

I used to run heavy equipment for the military and I must say, I'm impressed with the way you laid out life at a construction site: spot on. The part about Junior spitting out the hawker was pretty funny too.
Your writing is strong and this is a good story. Did see one grammatical: Junior turned almost purple while ...got in the face...Good writing. many stars...

Shannon Stewart wrote 396 days ago

Thank you so much for the careful and detailed analysis. I will be happy to give my best effort for your book as well.

I guess Chapter 6 wasn’t the best place for you to start. In previous chapters you see Lauren methodically planning her future in rebellion against the male dominated world where she has grown up.

In this scene she is shocked at her own reaction to this man, because it is completely anathema to her beliefs and value system. And so, in spite of how she may feel, at the end of the afternoon she walks away from him and back to her original plan.

In other chapters Lauren is reading Atlas Shrugged. In Atlas Shrugged, Dagny Taggart is a very strong female protagonist who never entertained the idea of submitting to anyone, male or female, until she met a man worthy of her submission. And, like Lauren, Dagny is amazed to discover the erotic nature of love and mutual, consensual submission.

Again, thank you for the detailed response. I am thrilled at the rare opportunity to discuss the more complex themes that I worked hard to integrate into this story. It isn’t often that I get to expand on the thought process behind some of these details.

Hi there,

you asked me to look at ch6+

I only have time right now to look at the one chapter. I'm impressed by your writing. I really lived through the storm with your characters. It was atmospheric and engaging.

My corrections are all minor things relating to typos, grammar or choice of words. I can see that you are very good writer and I don´t want to take that away from you. However, reading this chapter out of context, I found the situation rather outdated and mysoginstic. In your very nice e-mail that you sent me you talked about Revolutionary Road and Jane Eyre, two books which feature the most incredibly drawn female characters. Lauren, in this chapter at least, feels like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel, unable to fight the hold a man has over her. Whilst your writing is way above such a level, I felt you had fallen into a trap of regurgitating an received idea - male sexual dominance and female submission - that while still humanly possible today, by including it in a work of fiction, you reinforce this rather old fashioned societal norm.

I don't want this criticism to take anything away from the power or quality of your writing. I would just hope that someone with such talents would try to break down such ideas. Of course, as I don't know what happens in the rest of the book I can't say for sure that's not what you're doing.

Here are all my close observations for Chapter 6:
Trust me, it’s just right there
- delete just, it's repeated

Then he opened the door on the right, pushed her in and shoved in behind her
- I don't like shove. Sounds inaccurate. Barged maybe?

ONCE inside they struggled together to get the door closed again

. She held the handles while he secured the chain with the padlock. THE inner doors of the entryway popped open and shut from the pressure of the wind.
-separate in 2 sentences to avoid rep of while

“You’re better off here than you WOULD BE at your house.”

She looked at him. She stared at his face.
-basically the same info twice

he answered, but he wasn’t paying HER ANY attention
-sounds snappier

Then he turned and started down the hall, HEADED further into the building.
-clarifies

five-gallon buckets that he upended ON the floor of the

avoid looking at him and sat down ON her bucket

like succumbing to GRAVITY.
- not sure there is such a thing as A (i.e. one single) grav. pull isn't it just gravity?
- I don't like this paragraph. It is well written but it makes your main character the stereotypical weak female at the man's beck and call. That might be acceptable for romantic fiction but what about real life and the message you are sending to your readers.

soak up every smell and sound and feeling. He smelled
-rep of smell

but she was still thrumming from the fervor
- I don't think a person can thrum. You can thrum an instrument but I'm not sure you can thrum yourself :-)

sending A shiver through her, even as she soaked

agonizing pleasure
-In general you've written the sex scene extremely well. However I don't like this phrase, why is it agonizing? I know sex can touch on violence and desire can itself be painful but this seems out of context

She heard him almost chuckle
- once again makes him seem very arrogant and her weak

but the maids had done TOO GOOD A job of securing it to the mattress.
-unless you particularly want to comment on the maid's competency

for the grief that was already inching its way back into her chest
- I haven't read the previous chapters but isn´t grief usually reserved for someone who has died?

lined up by the door. Then again at their clothes in a heap
-one sentence not two

artefact
-more typical i think than artifact?

soak up etc.
- you use this verb too often for what she is doing

of having this act done to parts of her body, she had just PERFOMED IT with her
- to avoid the jarring repetition of act

that this kind of man existed in reality. She was certain this kind of sensuality was
-rep this kind

with this man, she could hope for SOMEONE like him someday, when the time was right. But oh, she wanted HIM SO MUCH.
- man man man :-)

a bunch of other idiots
-sounds odd

“Weebles wobbles but THEY don’t fall down?
- or is this intentional?

I'd appreciate it if you could find some time to take a look at my book in return,

Best wishes,

Benedict



benedict wrote 397 days ago

Hi there,

you asked me to look at ch6+

I only have time right now to look at the one chapter. I'm impressed by your writing. I really lived through the storm with your characters. It was atmospheric and engaging.

My corrections are all minor things relating to typos, grammar or choice of words. I can see that you are very good writer and I don´t want to take that away from you. However, reading this chapter out of context, I found the situation rather outdated and mysoginstic. In your very nice e-mail that you sent me you talked about Revolutionary Road and Jane Eyre, two books which feature the most incredibly drawn female characters. Lauren, in this chapter at least, feels like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel, unable to fight the hold a man has over her. Whilst your writing is way above such a level, I felt you had fallen into a trap of regurgitating an received idea - male sexual dominance and female submission - that while still humanly possible today, by including it in a work of fiction, you reinforce this rather old fashioned societal norm.

I don't want this criticism to take anything away from the power or quality of your writing. I would just hope that someone with such talents would try to break down such ideas. Of course, as I don't know what happens in the rest of the book I can't say for sure that's not what you're doing.

Here are all my close observations for Chapter 6:
Trust me, it’s just right there
- delete just, it's repeated

Then he opened the door on the right, pushed her in and shoved in behind her
- I don't like shove. Sounds inaccurate. Barged maybe?

ONCE inside they struggled together to get the door closed again

. She held the handles while he secured the chain with the padlock. THE inner doors of the entryway popped open and shut from the pressure of the wind.
-separate in 2 sentences to avoid rep of while

“You’re better off here than you WOULD BE at your house.”

She looked at him. She stared at his face.
-basically the same info twice

he answered, but he wasn’t paying HER ANY attention
-sounds snappier

Then he turned and started down the hall, HEADED further into the building.
-clarifies

five-gallon buckets that he upended ON the floor of the

avoid looking at him and sat down ON her bucket

like succumbing to GRAVITY.
- not sure there is such a thing as A (i.e. one single) grav. pull isn't it just gravity?
- I don't like this paragraph. It is well written but it makes your main character the stereotypical weak female at the man's beck and call. That might be acceptable for romantic fiction but what about real life and the message you are sending to your readers.

soak up every smell and sound and feeling. He smelled
-rep of smell

but she was still thrumming from the fervor
- I don't think a person can thrum. You can thrum an instrument but I'm not sure you can thrum yourself :-)

sending A shiver through her, even as she soaked

agonizing pleasure
-In general you've written the sex scene extremely well. However I don't like this phrase, why is it agonizing? I know sex can touch on violence and desire can itself be painful but this seems out of context

She heard him almost chuckle
- once again makes him seem very arrogant and her weak

but the maids had done TOO GOOD A job of securing it to the mattress.
-unless you particularly want to comment on the maid's competency

for the grief that was already inching its way back into her chest
- I haven't read the previous chapters but isn´t grief usually reserved for someone who has died?

lined up by the door. Then again at their clothes in a heap
-one sentence not two

artefact
-more typical i think than artifact?

soak up etc.
- you use this verb too often for what she is doing

of having this act done to parts of her body, she had just PERFOMED IT with her
- to avoid the jarring repetition of act

that this kind of man existed in reality. She was certain this kind of sensuality was
-rep this kind

with this man, she could hope for SOMEONE like him someday, when the time was right. But oh, she wanted HIM SO MUCH.
- man man man :-)

a bunch of other idiots
-sounds odd

“Weebles wobbles but THEY don’t fall down?
- or is this intentional?

I'd appreciate it if you could find some time to take a look at my book in return,

Best wishes,

Benedict

Oktober wrote 401 days ago

I've read up to chapter 7 and backed - I am a huge fan! I loved the rapid point of view changes in the early chapters; they made the action move at a great pace and gave a good insight into the main characters. I found Lauren instantly engaging and cared about what happened to her. Your writing is also excellent - nothing jarred or niggled at all and you describe people, places and events so vividly I can really picture them, but without distracting from the story. I loved chapter 6 with the storm and Lauren and Clay finally getting together - very dramatic and I could hardly put it down! This feels so much like a book I would read in print that I have given six stars, on my shelf and I can't wait to read more!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober.

Oktober wrote 401 days ago

I've read up to chapter 7 and backed - I am a huge fan! I loved the rapid point of view changes in the early chapters; they made the action move at a great pace and gave a good insight into the main characters. I found Lauren instantly engaging and cared about what happened to her. Your writing is also excellent - nothing jarred or niggled at all and you describe people, places and events so vividly I can really picture them, but without distracting from the story. I loved chapter 6 with the storm and Lauren and Clay finally getting together - very dramatic and I could hardly put it down! This feels so much like a book I would read in print that I have given six stars, on my shelf and I can't wait to read more!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 403 days ago

Dear Shannon

I saw that you wanting opinions from chapter 3 of "Reconstruction" onwards, so I read chapter 1 and chapter 3 just now.

I really like this! Besides flowing well and being a very clean MS, your story is very well observed. The details are lively, clean and easy to get into, so that I can see exactly what is going on. Your characters are very well drawn and realistic. Big dad doing his best, and Lauren's brother always threatening to lose his cool. I also understand Lauren's dilemma, trying to break away from the usual expectations for her. There is a wonderful story building.

Thank you for writing that is interesting, easy to read and refreshing. I wish you well and send lots of stars to boost your total.

All the very best to you.

Fran :-))

Six Foot Bonsai wrote 403 days ago

HI Shannon. Nice work!

I've picked up 11, 12, and then 16. On the earlier two, although I find the writing exceptional, I struggled with the call center gig. I have some insight on that line of work and it did not come through as entirely real. Also, I'm not feeling Chip. He seems younger than I thought he would be being the MC's dad's boss.

On Chapter 16- I LOVED the opening. Very realistic desciption of what goes through a woman's mind in times like these. I see real potential in your writing. Stacy G.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 405 days ago

Shannon,
A taste of hard living on the Texas plain, or construction site, to be exact. This book about feisty Lauren whose dreams of a double-wide are shattered by her Dad's boss getting her pregnant, is as basic and raw as one can get in conceiving a plot around the salt of the earth. The narrative is casual and easy, the dialogue blunt and unaffected. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Sharda D wrote 406 days ago

Hi Shannon,
you asked me to look at chps from 3 on, so I looked at 3,4 & 5. I also skimmed through chp 1, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything plotwise.

I like it! The story is unfolding at a nice pace, not too fast, not too slow. It is enjoyable. You writing is smooth and flows easily. I couldn't see much by way of typos or obvious mistakes. Book clubs are increasingly popular here in the UK and I could see this as a popular bookclub read.

Niggles? Not many. I wasn't completely convinced by the fairly frequent POV switches, but I didn't dislike them either. Maybe you could smooth the switches a little so that they flow from one to the other when there is a natural switchover point, e.g. Lauren could put her money for the food on the table and Clay could pick it up, also picking up his POV from there. You inhabit each POV well, particularly Lauren's. I like all her italicised thoughts as she is talking to Clay, all the self-doubt and nervousness is very human and I could really identify with it even though I'm married with three kids!!
You build the sexual tension between Lauren and Clay nicely in Chapter 5 (and throughout what I read). The sub plot with Junior, Mum and Dad is interesting too and a good counterpoint. I like the construction industry backdrop, it is original and there is good scope for metaphor and symbolism which you exploit in places. I like the descriptions - the weather and the building site, the smell of the rain in chp 5. I could do with slightly more of these in places, more sights, sounds, smells, weather, colour, there's a lot of dialogue and I think the balance could do with shifting slightly.
These are very tiny points however, the MS is pretty polished as it is.
Well done, all the best with this.
5 stars from me!
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, so when you get a moment please take a look at mine. No pressure!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

rhivey wrote 426 days ago

Really liked this story, couldn't wait to finish it. Good job.

Nono hoho wrote 432 days ago

I really like this. Lauren is a great character. Wondeful idea for a novel - I really want t things to work out for Lauren in the end.

Backed and starred

Fontaine wrote 439 days ago

While this is not the kind of book I would normally read, I found myself engaged very quickly. Your characters are strong and well drawn, especially Junior! and so is the relationship between Lauren and her family. Brian is nicely ordinary and one can tell he is not going to be enough fro her.
I liked very much the decsription of the tension inside her at the party when she wanted Clay to look at her and Brian to leave. I think the strangth of your book lies in the fact that most people will have experienced moments like that.
I have only one real criticism and that is that there is not description of Clay when they first meet. I have no idea what he looks like. You are good at describig characters. I could easily visualise the father in particular, so I really think we need to be equally interested in Clay and at present he is a bit shadowy. Only my opinion of course. Good luck with your writing.

fledglingowl wrote 442 days ago

Shannon,
Great opening. Wonderful red-neck men and Clay is such a stellar alpha male. I love a good romance and this has all the hallmarks of a great one. Your descriptions are wonderful, I thought you could shorten your opening paragraph and still make your point about the mud. Like the hook of your second paragraph and will have to read more to learn why she only has months left with her dad.
Your pitch really gives a good outline of your story. Gave this five stars, keeping it on my watchlist to come back soon to read more.
Janet

Eden Ashley wrote 444 days ago

Great descriptive opening! I been in a love/hate showdown with my opening paragraph for over a month now, so I really appreciated yours.

"You hungry? We have plenty." --That sounds too proper contrasted to the way you present their manner of speaking. It would seem a more natural lingo for Jim to say 'We got plenty."

"She didn't respond, forced herself not to answer, allowing an awkward beat she mildly regretted, but only because it threatened to squash her dad's enthusiasm." --That sentence was a little awkward to read. Didn't flow as well as the rest.

Loved this exchange--"Is he giving her a physical?" To which her dad replies, "You gotta make sure that they're healthy." Ha!

Both your short pitch and long pitch promise a great story. And from what I've read so far, you are primed to deliver! I will be back to read more of this.

Eden

Red2u wrote 445 days ago

I can picture Lauren- your writing makes her come to life, a young woman stuck in a rut. You weave Clay into the book making it all believable. Well done. I have highly starred.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

JKass wrote 454 days ago

You describe your MC very well, letting the reader get to know her through her insecurity and quirks. A great read and its easy to see why it shot up so fast!

iandsmith wrote 455 days ago

My eyes lit up at construction sites, and the workman-like dialogue: “must get that tailgate padded the time you spend sitting on it”. Excellent.

“Lauren didn’t just want Brian off her, he wanted her away for good. Brian grunted and farted”

There’s a great deal of humanity in this. Well done. Love the names too: Starla, Twila, Sharla. Definitely my area of interest and on my WL.

Alidownb wrote 455 days ago

I read chapter 4
I really, really liked the flow of things.
The modesty of it all. He's so cool about things and she puts on a good front. You expressed her insecurities very well. It was all so realistic, the dialogue, her mental, the way they kept running into each other. This is good. Really good!

-Aliah
Her Demise

L_MC wrote 456 days ago

A good premise, the girl from something of a difficult background, wants to break the mould, doesn't want her future decided for her. It's easy to see how and why things could develop between her and Clay and you did a good job of contrasting him against Brian. The cold mother and brother with such a violent temper don't bode well for Lauren but her dad looks like a strong ally. I wonder how that relationship will be tested by the pregnancy.

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 459 days ago

Shannon, this is excellent! Totally absorbing. Your characters are very well drawn, especially Lauren, who is both tough and vulnerabie. You've got great potential chemistry going between Lauren and Clay. I will move this to my watchlist, keep reading, and soon shelve it. Good luck!

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