Book Jacket

 

rank 2735
word count 103636
date submitted 17.02.2012
date updated 22.07.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Chick Li...
classification: moderate
complete

Reconstruction

Shannon Stewart

Getting pregnant was not supposed to happen to a smart girl like Lauren. Especially not when the father is her dad's boss...

 

Lauren isn't impressed with Clay, her dad's boss. But something changes that Friday, when Clay sits by her on the tailgate and whispers in her ear. He only asks about the bathroom, but something in his lopsided smile and deep voice makes her face burn, makes her turn and inhale the scent of him, before she can answer.

Lauren’s twenty. Clay’s thirty-four. She can't think about him. She has enough trouble in this dried-up West Texas town. Her family expects her to marry Brian and raise a house full of kids in a double-wide. And Lauren has plans of her own: to get away from Brian, get out of town, and get a college education. Even if she liked him, there is no Clay in her long term plans.

Until Clay gets her pregnant. Then Lauren has to make a new plan. That single-minded goal of independence has driven her for so long, but she'll have to put it aside to accept Clay's help.

Then the baby is born too early and doesn't survive. How can she ever want anything from life again? And if the baby was all that bound her to Clay, walking away shouldn't hurt so bad.

 
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construction, emotional, family, fiction, heartbreaking, life, literary fiction, love, new adult, pregnancy, relationships, romance, texas, women's fi...

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15

Lauren didn’t have to work the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and Clay’s company held a cookout at lunch in a park near the job-site. His company provided a meal for the subcontractors who were working on site that day. And because the job was do far ahead of schedule, they were able to shut down after lunch and go home early for the holiday weekend. That kind of holiday didn’t happen often in the construction business, and it was a lot to be thankful for.

The weatherman predicted a warm Thanksgiving weekend, and Wednesday turned out to be a beautiful cloud-free start to it. It had reached almost seventy degrees by noon.

At the park, someone pulled a grill-trailer up in the parking lot, and Jerry cooked burgers on it while Logan, Jerry’s intern, unloaded coolers out of the back of his truck. There was a covered pavilion with tables and a playground area. People were gathered in clusters, talking and waiting for the food to be ready. Kids played on the swings and climbed up the slide backwards. One young mother followed her toddler around to make sure he didn’t get hurt.

When she first walked up, Lauren tried to stick close to Clay. She didn’t know anyone else except Jerry and Logan, but everyone seemed to want something from him. She was no help and she couldn’t keep up, anyway. After he left her standing by herself for the third time, she took a bottle of water from a cooler and sat down at a picnic table in the shade.

Before long, a woman sat down at the table and spoke to her with exaggerated expressions on her weathered face. The woman’s smile did nothing to disguise the dislike in her eyes, and the effect was almost manic.

“I think some of these parents aren’t watching their kids.” She angled herself away from Lauren, looking over at the playground nervously. She waved a cigarette around with her hand while she talked. “I don’t know that little brown haired boy in the camo, but he’s meaner’n hell. He ain’t yours, is he?”

Lauren shook her head. “What did he do?”

“He just stepped on that little girl’s hand while she was climbing up the ladder to the slide. Oh shit,” she looked over her other shoulder. “I hope those aren’t his parents. You think they heard me?”

“I don’t think they’re listening.”

The woman immediately forgot about her concern when she spotted someone else she knew over Lauren’s shoulder.“Hey, Georganne!” She waved Georganne over.

“Did you see what that boy over there did?” Georganne asked as she walked up, apparently as concerned about the playground bully as the other woman.

“Yeah, where’s his mama?”

“I don’t know. But someone needs to do something about him.”

Georganne smiled at Lauren without introducing herself then sat down to watch the playground with the other woman. Then before she could get situated, she jumped up suddenly, yelling across the pavilion. “Little Bobby! Git down from there!” 

Georganne marched over to the playground where Little Bobby was climbing a pole that supported the shade canopy that covered the playground. He had almost made it to the yellow covering before she got there to pull him down by his jean-clad leg.

Lauren stared as the woman proceeded to spank Little Bobby out on the playground for all to see. Little Bobby was nearly as big as his mother, and even though Lauren was sure his mother couldn’t be hurting him, the boy wailed like a foghorn while his mother yelled and whacked away.

The other woman sat in front of Lauren, unimpressed. She pulled on her cigarette, watching the scene on the playground with squinty eyed satisfaction. “This will be the first time we’ve been able to go see my family for Thanksgiving in ten years. My mama is so happy,” she told Lauren without looking at her. “I’m just proud to get the chance before she dies.”

“Ten years is a long time,” Lauren said.

“Yeah, well, Mike normally has to work the Friday after.” The woman told Lauren this in a way that suggested someone was to blame for every holiday weekend Mike had ever worked. Lauren knew it could not possibly have been Clay, but she couldn’t help thinking the woman was trying to make that point.

“Be sure to tell your old man how much it means to all the rest of us to get to spend holidays with our families,” she added.

“He knows how much it means,” Lauren said. “Clay has had to work his share of holidays too.” She had no idea if Clay had ever worked a holiday in his life, but she never knew anyone who put in as many hours as Clay. “If your husband had to work this Friday, Clay would have been right there with him. And then I’d be at the house with his parents, while my old man spent thanksgiving with your old man.”

The woman cocked her head back and looked at Lauren, visibly sizing her up. She reminded Lauren of Sharla, the way her head wobbled around on her neck. Lauren noted with mild interest that people were the same no matter where you went.

“Well then we’re all blessed this holiday season, ain’t we?” The woman smiled and put out her cigarette. She held out her hand to Lauren. “Nancy.”

“Lauren.” They shook hands and continued to talk a while, about family and holidays.

When she looked up she caught Clay watching her from beside Jerry, who was cooking at the grill. He smiled at her and she stopped in mid-sentence. Nancy turned to see what had caught Lauren’s attention.

“You hungry?” he mouthed and pointed at the grill.

“He sure is good looking, ain’t he?” Nancy asked.

She smiled at Clay. “Yeah. I think so.” She stood up and straightened her dress. “I better go get food while he remembers I’m here.”

Clay handed her a plate as she walked up to him. They found a place at a long picnic table to sit down and eat together. Someone turned on a CD player, and Lauren sat in the dry fall air listening to the Bellamy Brothers, remembering the cook-out at Dan and Sharla’s house when the music had seemed like the soundtrack to a movie. The wind picked up for a second, and she watched people holding plates and catching drinks before they spilled. It all happened around her, and for a surreal moment she didn’t feel part of it.

What a long way they had come since that day in the spring. And here she was, the exact same person looking at the world through the exact same eyes. The only thread that connected her over that time and distance was the man in front of her. What an unexpected unraveling.

When all of the food had been served and the truck with the grill-trailer drove away, Clay gathered everyone together, thanked them for coming and wished them a happy Thanksgiving. Lauren couldn’t help but think that it was odd to find herself standing behind the man making announcements. So this is what it looks like from the other side? She looked down at her empire wasted dress and sandals, hoping she wasn’t an embarrassment to Clay.

#

His parents were driving to Waco for Thanksgiving because his sister Pamela was spending the holiday with her own in-laws. Lauren and Clay left the cook-out and went to the grocery store to get food to cook for dinner the next day. Of course Bonnie would be doing the cooking, so they called her to get her shopping list.

When they got home, Lauren put clean sheets on Clay’s bed for his parents. He would be sleeping in her room, in Allyssa’s bed, while Bonnie and Dwayne were visiting.

As soon as she walked in the door, Bonnie asked Lauren to show her around the new house. Dwayne sat down on the loveseat and reached for the remote, while Lauren took Bonnie straight to what she considered the most exciting part of the house. It was the room Clay painted. It matched the trim on the crib bedding that she bought two days after the sonogram. There were sixteen weeks left, but she didn’t see any reason to wait. The room was arranged with curtains, stuffed animals, a changing table and baby clothes in the closet. It was the only fully decorated room in the house.

Then Lauren showed Bonnie down the hall to the guest room where she and Dwayne would be sleeping. And finally, she got to the room that concerned Bonnie most the day before Thanksgiving — the kitchen. Bonnie worried out loud that the oven might not be big enough, and let it be known that she didn’t like electric cook tops. It also concerned her that the stove only had four burners, instead of the six gas burners she was accustomed to. But she put her hand on Lauren’s shoulder and told her not to worry — she had made do with worse and everything was going to be fine.

Any other mother-in-law might have made those concerns sound critical, but in her sweet West Texas accent Lauren just thought it was cute. If Lauren was supposed to feel bad about her kitchen, someone besides Bonnie was going to have to break the news to her.

Lauren stood back and watched Bonnie go to work, opening the refrigerator, the pantry and the cabinets -taking inventory. She took two bowls out of the cabinet and looked everywhere for Lauren’s mixer. When Lauren pulled the mixer, still in its unopened box, out from the cabinet below the center island, she thought Bonnie was going to choke. Lauren washed all of her unused appliances and handed them over to Bonnie. Every now and then Bonnie would send her after something, or give her a bowl to stir or mix or knead, as if Lauren knew the difference. Bonnie looked a little perplexed by some of Lauren’s questions.

She wrinkled her eyebrows and pushed her glasses up on her nose. “Now, honey, didn’t your mama show you how to fold in an egg?”

Lauren just laughed and shook her head. “No, but I can make a mean Hamburger Helper.”

Bonnie laughed. Dwayne grunted from the living room, letting her know he was listening, and Hamburger Helper was nothing to joke about.

“Here, let me show you.” Bonnie took the bowl.

Lauren folded eggs, boiled eggs, and peeled eggs, staying busy until Bonnie reached some internal milestone. Stepping back and wiping her hands on a towel, she announced that it was time to put the bird in the oven and set the timer. With that done, she washed the last few bowls and made her way into the living room, where Clay and Dwayne were watching TV.

Lauren was exhausted, so she went to bed early, leaving Clay and his parents alone to spend time together. She was fast asleep when Clay came to bed. The next morning he got up before she did, and she hardly noticed that he had been there.

When Lauren wrapped her robe around herself and padded into the kitchen, Bonnie was already there cleaning up dishes from the breakfast that Lauren had slept through. Bonnie never sat down, checking on everything, practically juggling turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce. It made Lauren tired just watching her. 

Lauren knew she was only in Bonnie’s way, so she went to the living room, where Clay was awake and watching ESPN in his pajamas. After a while, Bonnie came into the living room and sat down too.

With everyone finally in the same room at the same time, Clay got up and started the sonogram video. Dwayne leaned forward and tried looking through both parts of his bifocals, then finally waved his hand at it and sat back.

That is supposed to look like a baby?”

“Dwayne, look.” Bonnie pointed at the TV. “There is the foot. I can see her foot right there.”

Dwayne just waved his hand again, dismissing the whole idea. “I’ll see it when it’s born.”

“They didn’t have all this when I was having babies. That is just amazing.” Bonnie pushed her glasses up and wiped at her eyes with a tissue that she had pulled out of her pocket. “Have you thought about what you’re going to name her?”

“I liked the name Piper but Clay didn’t,” Lauren said.

“That’s different,” Bonnie said, and Lauren knew she didn’t like it any more than Clay did. “What do you like, Clay?”

“Anything but Piper,” he said.

“Have you got a name book?”

“I look up names on the Internet,” Lauren said. “We’re going to find one we both like eventually. If we can’t find one by February, we’ll name her Clay, Jr.”

“I knew a girl named Ricki in school.” Dwayne said.

“Hmmm, I’m gonna say Ricki is a no go,” Lauren apologized. “But don’t worry, we’ll figure something out. We have time.”

“I still like Emily,” Clay said.

“Emily is a nice name.” Bonnie looked between Lauren and Clay, nodding her approval.

Lauren got up and switched the TV back to ESPN then went to her room. She got dressed and came back out to help Bonnie set the table with dishes bought especially for the occasion. Clay and Dwayne moved into the dining room for dinner and Lauren helped bring the food out from the kitchen, even though Bonnie told her repeatedly to sit down. But Lauren kept at it, just to get a reaction out of the older woman. She giggled when Bonnie scolded her, and jumped and moved a little faster when Bonnie popped her on the butt with a towel. Before her last trip into the kitchen, she turned back to see Clay laughing at them. Then she came back with the pitcher of tea and Clay made them both sit down so that Dwayne could say grace.

It was unlike any Thanksgiving in Lauren’s experience. The food and family — the clean comfortable home. She thought the people around her would never be able to appreciate this setting the way she did. She was sure that none of them had spent Thanksgiving in a shaky trailer house, chilled by more than just the drafty windows. Her parents didn’t take a break from their dislike of each other for holidays. And for a kid, too much time around them was too much opportunity to set them off.

Lauren hadn’t missed the holidays after the divorce. But now that she had a taste of how good it could be, she wanted to burn this experience into her heart. She wanted more of this, and she put it on her wish list for her baby girl. She could make a happy home someday — she knew she could. She wanted things for the baby growing inside of her that she would never even think to want for herself.

She must have looked like a sentimental dope while these thoughts went through her mind. She caught Clay looking at her again, and he smiled. Lauren wondered what he thought of her. She still couldn’t tell. But if he kept looking at her like he was now, it was going to be hard to leave. It would be hard to remember why they didn’t work together. She reminded herself that things were not good between them until she decided to leave.

The afternoon was as sluggish as the swollen overfed people at the table. When they finished eating they stayed at the table, leaning back in their chairs, finishing their tea. Finally Bonnie got up and started clearing their empty plates, leaving them soaking in the sink for later. Dwayne and Clay drifted into the living room. Lauren sat down next to Clay, and put her swollen feet up on the coffee table.

While Clay and Dwayne waited for the game to start, Lauren leaned back and struggled with heavy eyelids. She laid the remote across her belly, watching it jump as the baby kicked.

“I just can’t get over that.” Bonnie laughed when she looked over and saw the remote moving.

Lauren’s head dropped onto Clay’s shoulder, and the remote appeared to move of its own volition. When Clay asked her if she was still awake, she mumbled that she was just resting her eyes. She could hear Clay talking to his dad about the game on TV, then about his high school football team.

“Looks like they’re going to state again,” Dwayne said.

“Now that both of those Richards boys are on varsity, they ought to have a good chance for the next couple of years.”

She napped until the half-time show. When she woke up, she looked over and saw Bonnie, leaned over with her head resting on the arm of the couch. She had fallen asleep too. Lauren got up to clean up the kitchen while Bonnie was resting. She scraped dishes and put them into the dishwasher. She put food into plastic containers with lids and covered dishes with foil. 

She was bent over, head in the fridge, making room for the desserts and turkey when Clay came in to ask if she wanted to order a movie on pay-per-view later. She stood up and turned around to tell him that she didn’t care what they watched.

She stopped when she saw him watching her. Even after their months of living together, being alone in the kitchen with him at that moment set off that thing, that intangible concrete thing, that drew her to him in the first place. She wanted to know what it was and how it could obliterate all thought and make time slow down. There had to be a scientific explanation.

He stepped forward and his lips touched her first. He caught her mouth with his, pushing her head up and back an instant before his hand was in her hair catching her and pulling her against him. He finished the kiss gently, slowly pulled away. Her hands were still hanging by her sides when she opened her eyes. She hadn’t thought to move them.

She wondered how long they would have stood there, if Bonnie hadn’t broken the spell, coming to see if Lauren needed help. She stopped at the kitchen door.

“I’m sorry. I just thought you might need help with something.”

“Oh, I’m done.” Lauren said, “I just put the pies in the fridge.” She bit her lip and wiped her hands down her sides, betraying her nerves. She closed the fridge and walked around Clay toward the sink.

    She stayed in the kitchen for a few more minutes after they left, trying to get her nerves under control. Later, in the living room, they turned on the movie and Lauren stayed up to finish it, but when it was over, she was ready to go to sleep again. She got up to go to bed and wasn’t surprised that Clay followed.

    She had come to think of this room as her own, even if she was only borrowing Allyson’s bed. And even after living together for those months, having her in her bedroom was overwhelming. She could smell his soap, see the stubble from his five o’clock shadow, see the curve of his shoulders under his white undershirt. How many nights had she lain awake on a plain mattress in a trailer in Curt wishing she could be this close to him?

She was self-conscious about her growing abdomen, so she changed into her cotton pajama bottoms and tee-shirt in the bathroom. When she came out, he was already in the bed. They lay together quietly in the dark. She knew they were both thinking about what happened in the kitchen. This thing between them was powerful, and her common sense had collapsed under it before. But she knew that feelings weren’t the foundation for a relationship. They couldn’t be. How many stupid girls had she known who had been ‘in love’ and ruined their lives over it. That kind of love was the foundation for very bad decision making. And, if a twenty-one-year-old girl from a trailer park understood that, surely the intelligent responsible older man in bed next to her must know that too.

    “Your parents are awesome,” she finally said, when the silence was too difficult to ignore.

    He sighed, and she could feel some unknown tension leave him. He put his arm over his eyes and said, “Yeah. You and my mom seem to be getting along pretty well.”

    “Yeah, I like her. She can cook. I’m going to have to learn a few things from her while she’s here.”

    “That would be nice,” he said.

“No woman will ever live up to your mother when it comes to food, you know that right? Because, you will be a lonely man if you think you’ll find another woman that can cook like her.”

He didn’t answer. She thought he must have fallen asleep.


 

 

Chapters

17

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Tod Schneider wrote 323 days ago

Critique-wise I only found a few extremely minor word choices or errata to nitpick in chapter one. Of course, these are just my suggestions, so do with them as you please!
I'd cut "that silt" and just say "it smelled of her father". That would continue the poetic flow of the paragraph more cleanly.
I'd cut "then" and just say "He squirted a packet of taco sauce." We can tell when it happened without you saying "then."
"That was fast (cut: comma insert: period)" She paused,..."
Like I said, pretty minor stuff, but every little bit helps. Best of luck!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Tod Schneider wrote 323 days ago

Your writing is really first rate! Your descriptions are finely crafted, and you've got a good handle on keeping the action and dialogue moving without getting buried in backstory or flowery language. It all reads very smoothly, and its easy to empathize with Lauren. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

DWBrown wrote 331 days ago

I used to run heavy equipment for the military and I must say, I'm impressed with the way you laid out life at a construction site: spot on. The part about Junior spitting out the hawker was pretty funny too.
Your writing is strong and this is a good story. Did see one grammatical: Junior turned almost purple while ...got in the face...Good writing. many stars...

Shannon Stewart wrote 421 days ago

Thank you so much for the careful and detailed analysis. I will be happy to give my best effort for your book as well.

I guess Chapter 6 wasn’t the best place for you to start. In previous chapters you see Lauren methodically planning her future in rebellion against the male dominated world where she has grown up.

In this scene she is shocked at her own reaction to this man, because it is completely anathema to her beliefs and value system. And so, in spite of how she may feel, at the end of the afternoon she walks away from him and back to her original plan.

In other chapters Lauren is reading Atlas Shrugged. In Atlas Shrugged, Dagny Taggart is a very strong female protagonist who never entertained the idea of submitting to anyone, male or female, until she met a man worthy of her submission. And, like Lauren, Dagny is amazed to discover the erotic nature of love and mutual, consensual submission.

Again, thank you for the detailed response. I am thrilled at the rare opportunity to discuss the more complex themes that I worked hard to integrate into this story. It isn’t often that I get to expand on the thought process behind some of these details.

Hi there,

you asked me to look at ch6+

I only have time right now to look at the one chapter. I'm impressed by your writing. I really lived through the storm with your characters. It was atmospheric and engaging.

My corrections are all minor things relating to typos, grammar or choice of words. I can see that you are very good writer and I don´t want to take that away from you. However, reading this chapter out of context, I found the situation rather outdated and mysoginstic. In your very nice e-mail that you sent me you talked about Revolutionary Road and Jane Eyre, two books which feature the most incredibly drawn female characters. Lauren, in this chapter at least, feels like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel, unable to fight the hold a man has over her. Whilst your writing is way above such a level, I felt you had fallen into a trap of regurgitating an received idea - male sexual dominance and female submission - that while still humanly possible today, by including it in a work of fiction, you reinforce this rather old fashioned societal norm.

I don't want this criticism to take anything away from the power or quality of your writing. I would just hope that someone with such talents would try to break down such ideas. Of course, as I don't know what happens in the rest of the book I can't say for sure that's not what you're doing.

Here are all my close observations for Chapter 6:
Trust me, it’s just right there
- delete just, it's repeated

Then he opened the door on the right, pushed her in and shoved in behind her
- I don't like shove. Sounds inaccurate. Barged maybe?

ONCE inside they struggled together to get the door closed again

. She held the handles while he secured the chain with the padlock. THE inner doors of the entryway popped open and shut from the pressure of the wind.
-separate in 2 sentences to avoid rep of while

“You’re better off here than you WOULD BE at your house.”

She looked at him. She stared at his face.
-basically the same info twice

he answered, but he wasn’t paying HER ANY attention
-sounds snappier

Then he turned and started down the hall, HEADED further into the building.
-clarifies

five-gallon buckets that he upended ON the floor of the

avoid looking at him and sat down ON her bucket

like succumbing to GRAVITY.
- not sure there is such a thing as A (i.e. one single) grav. pull isn't it just gravity?
- I don't like this paragraph. It is well written but it makes your main character the stereotypical weak female at the man's beck and call. That might be acceptable for romantic fiction but what about real life and the message you are sending to your readers.

soak up every smell and sound and feeling. He smelled
-rep of smell

but she was still thrumming from the fervor
- I don't think a person can thrum. You can thrum an instrument but I'm not sure you can thrum yourself :-)

sending A shiver through her, even as she soaked

agonizing pleasure
-In general you've written the sex scene extremely well. However I don't like this phrase, why is it agonizing? I know sex can touch on violence and desire can itself be painful but this seems out of context

She heard him almost chuckle
- once again makes him seem very arrogant and her weak

but the maids had done TOO GOOD A job of securing it to the mattress.
-unless you particularly want to comment on the maid's competency

for the grief that was already inching its way back into her chest
- I haven't read the previous chapters but isn´t grief usually reserved for someone who has died?

lined up by the door. Then again at their clothes in a heap
-one sentence not two

artefact
-more typical i think than artifact?

soak up etc.
- you use this verb too often for what she is doing

of having this act done to parts of her body, she had just PERFOMED IT with her
- to avoid the jarring repetition of act

that this kind of man existed in reality. She was certain this kind of sensuality was
-rep this kind

with this man, she could hope for SOMEONE like him someday, when the time was right. But oh, she wanted HIM SO MUCH.
- man man man :-)

a bunch of other idiots
-sounds odd

“Weebles wobbles but THEY don’t fall down?
- or is this intentional?

I'd appreciate it if you could find some time to take a look at my book in return,

Best wishes,

Benedict



benedict wrote 421 days ago

Hi there,

you asked me to look at ch6+

I only have time right now to look at the one chapter. I'm impressed by your writing. I really lived through the storm with your characters. It was atmospheric and engaging.

My corrections are all minor things relating to typos, grammar or choice of words. I can see that you are very good writer and I don´t want to take that away from you. However, reading this chapter out of context, I found the situation rather outdated and mysoginstic. In your very nice e-mail that you sent me you talked about Revolutionary Road and Jane Eyre, two books which feature the most incredibly drawn female characters. Lauren, in this chapter at least, feels like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel, unable to fight the hold a man has over her. Whilst your writing is way above such a level, I felt you had fallen into a trap of regurgitating an received idea - male sexual dominance and female submission - that while still humanly possible today, by including it in a work of fiction, you reinforce this rather old fashioned societal norm.

I don't want this criticism to take anything away from the power or quality of your writing. I would just hope that someone with such talents would try to break down such ideas. Of course, as I don't know what happens in the rest of the book I can't say for sure that's not what you're doing.

Here are all my close observations for Chapter 6:
Trust me, it’s just right there
- delete just, it's repeated

Then he opened the door on the right, pushed her in and shoved in behind her
- I don't like shove. Sounds inaccurate. Barged maybe?

ONCE inside they struggled together to get the door closed again

. She held the handles while he secured the chain with the padlock. THE inner doors of the entryway popped open and shut from the pressure of the wind.
-separate in 2 sentences to avoid rep of while

“You’re better off here than you WOULD BE at your house.”

She looked at him. She stared at his face.
-basically the same info twice

he answered, but he wasn’t paying HER ANY attention
-sounds snappier

Then he turned and started down the hall, HEADED further into the building.
-clarifies

five-gallon buckets that he upended ON the floor of the

avoid looking at him and sat down ON her bucket

like succumbing to GRAVITY.
- not sure there is such a thing as A (i.e. one single) grav. pull isn't it just gravity?
- I don't like this paragraph. It is well written but it makes your main character the stereotypical weak female at the man's beck and call. That might be acceptable for romantic fiction but what about real life and the message you are sending to your readers.

soak up every smell and sound and feeling. He smelled
-rep of smell

but she was still thrumming from the fervor
- I don't think a person can thrum. You can thrum an instrument but I'm not sure you can thrum yourself :-)

sending A shiver through her, even as she soaked

agonizing pleasure
-In general you've written the sex scene extremely well. However I don't like this phrase, why is it agonizing? I know sex can touch on violence and desire can itself be painful but this seems out of context

She heard him almost chuckle
- once again makes him seem very arrogant and her weak

but the maids had done TOO GOOD A job of securing it to the mattress.
-unless you particularly want to comment on the maid's competency

for the grief that was already inching its way back into her chest
- I haven't read the previous chapters but isn´t grief usually reserved for someone who has died?

lined up by the door. Then again at their clothes in a heap
-one sentence not two

artefact
-more typical i think than artifact?

soak up etc.
- you use this verb too often for what she is doing

of having this act done to parts of her body, she had just PERFOMED IT with her
- to avoid the jarring repetition of act

that this kind of man existed in reality. She was certain this kind of sensuality was
-rep this kind

with this man, she could hope for SOMEONE like him someday, when the time was right. But oh, she wanted HIM SO MUCH.
- man man man :-)

a bunch of other idiots
-sounds odd

“Weebles wobbles but THEY don’t fall down?
- or is this intentional?

I'd appreciate it if you could find some time to take a look at my book in return,

Best wishes,

Benedict

Oktober wrote 425 days ago

I've read up to chapter 7 and backed - I am a huge fan! I loved the rapid point of view changes in the early chapters; they made the action move at a great pace and gave a good insight into the main characters. I found Lauren instantly engaging and cared about what happened to her. Your writing is also excellent - nothing jarred or niggled at all and you describe people, places and events so vividly I can really picture them, but without distracting from the story. I loved chapter 6 with the storm and Lauren and Clay finally getting together - very dramatic and I could hardly put it down! This feels so much like a book I would read in print that I have given six stars, on my shelf and I can't wait to read more!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober.

Oktober wrote 425 days ago

I've read up to chapter 7 and backed - I am a huge fan! I loved the rapid point of view changes in the early chapters; they made the action move at a great pace and gave a good insight into the main characters. I found Lauren instantly engaging and cared about what happened to her. Your writing is also excellent - nothing jarred or niggled at all and you describe people, places and events so vividly I can really picture them, but without distracting from the story. I loved chapter 6 with the storm and Lauren and Clay finally getting together - very dramatic and I could hardly put it down! This feels so much like a book I would read in print that I have given six stars, on my shelf and I can't wait to read more!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 427 days ago

Dear Shannon

I saw that you wanting opinions from chapter 3 of "Reconstruction" onwards, so I read chapter 1 and chapter 3 just now.

I really like this! Besides flowing well and being a very clean MS, your story is very well observed. The details are lively, clean and easy to get into, so that I can see exactly what is going on. Your characters are very well drawn and realistic. Big dad doing his best, and Lauren's brother always threatening to lose his cool. I also understand Lauren's dilemma, trying to break away from the usual expectations for her. There is a wonderful story building.

Thank you for writing that is interesting, easy to read and refreshing. I wish you well and send lots of stars to boost your total.

All the very best to you.

Fran :-))

Six Foot Bonsai wrote 428 days ago

HI Shannon. Nice work!

I've picked up 11, 12, and then 16. On the earlier two, although I find the writing exceptional, I struggled with the call center gig. I have some insight on that line of work and it did not come through as entirely real. Also, I'm not feeling Chip. He seems younger than I thought he would be being the MC's dad's boss.

On Chapter 16- I LOVED the opening. Very realistic desciption of what goes through a woman's mind in times like these. I see real potential in your writing. Stacy G.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 429 days ago

Shannon,
A taste of hard living on the Texas plain, or construction site, to be exact. This book about feisty Lauren whose dreams of a double-wide are shattered by her Dad's boss getting her pregnant, is as basic and raw as one can get in conceiving a plot around the salt of the earth. The narrative is casual and easy, the dialogue blunt and unaffected. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Sharda D wrote 430 days ago

Hi Shannon,
you asked me to look at chps from 3 on, so I looked at 3,4 & 5. I also skimmed through chp 1, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything plotwise.

I like it! The story is unfolding at a nice pace, not too fast, not too slow. It is enjoyable. You writing is smooth and flows easily. I couldn't see much by way of typos or obvious mistakes. Book clubs are increasingly popular here in the UK and I could see this as a popular bookclub read.

Niggles? Not many. I wasn't completely convinced by the fairly frequent POV switches, but I didn't dislike them either. Maybe you could smooth the switches a little so that they flow from one to the other when there is a natural switchover point, e.g. Lauren could put her money for the food on the table and Clay could pick it up, also picking up his POV from there. You inhabit each POV well, particularly Lauren's. I like all her italicised thoughts as she is talking to Clay, all the self-doubt and nervousness is very human and I could really identify with it even though I'm married with three kids!!
You build the sexual tension between Lauren and Clay nicely in Chapter 5 (and throughout what I read). The sub plot with Junior, Mum and Dad is interesting too and a good counterpoint. I like the construction industry backdrop, it is original and there is good scope for metaphor and symbolism which you exploit in places. I like the descriptions - the weather and the building site, the smell of the rain in chp 5. I could do with slightly more of these in places, more sights, sounds, smells, weather, colour, there's a lot of dialogue and I think the balance could do with shifting slightly.
These are very tiny points however, the MS is pretty polished as it is.
Well done, all the best with this.
5 stars from me!
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, so when you get a moment please take a look at mine. No pressure!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

rhivey wrote 450 days ago

Really liked this story, couldn't wait to finish it. Good job.

Nono hoho wrote 456 days ago

I really like this. Lauren is a great character. Wondeful idea for a novel - I really want t things to work out for Lauren in the end.

Backed and starred

Fontaine wrote 463 days ago

While this is not the kind of book I would normally read, I found myself engaged very quickly. Your characters are strong and well drawn, especially Junior! and so is the relationship between Lauren and her family. Brian is nicely ordinary and one can tell he is not going to be enough fro her.
I liked very much the decsription of the tension inside her at the party when she wanted Clay to look at her and Brian to leave. I think the strangth of your book lies in the fact that most people will have experienced moments like that.
I have only one real criticism and that is that there is not description of Clay when they first meet. I have no idea what he looks like. You are good at describig characters. I could easily visualise the father in particular, so I really think we need to be equally interested in Clay and at present he is a bit shadowy. Only my opinion of course. Good luck with your writing.

fledglingowl wrote 467 days ago

Shannon,
Great opening. Wonderful red-neck men and Clay is such a stellar alpha male. I love a good romance and this has all the hallmarks of a great one. Your descriptions are wonderful, I thought you could shorten your opening paragraph and still make your point about the mud. Like the hook of your second paragraph and will have to read more to learn why she only has months left with her dad.
Your pitch really gives a good outline of your story. Gave this five stars, keeping it on my watchlist to come back soon to read more.
Janet

Eden Ashley wrote 469 days ago

Great descriptive opening! I been in a love/hate showdown with my opening paragraph for over a month now, so I really appreciated yours.

"You hungry? We have plenty." --That sounds too proper contrasted to the way you present their manner of speaking. It would seem a more natural lingo for Jim to say 'We got plenty."

"She didn't respond, forced herself not to answer, allowing an awkward beat she mildly regretted, but only because it threatened to squash her dad's enthusiasm." --That sentence was a little awkward to read. Didn't flow as well as the rest.

Loved this exchange--"Is he giving her a physical?" To which her dad replies, "You gotta make sure that they're healthy." Ha!

Both your short pitch and long pitch promise a great story. And from what I've read so far, you are primed to deliver! I will be back to read more of this.

Eden

Red2u wrote 469 days ago

I can picture Lauren- your writing makes her come to life, a young woman stuck in a rut. You weave Clay into the book making it all believable. Well done. I have highly starred.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

JKass wrote 479 days ago

You describe your MC very well, letting the reader get to know her through her insecurity and quirks. A great read and its easy to see why it shot up so fast!

iandsmith wrote 479 days ago

My eyes lit up at construction sites, and the workman-like dialogue: “must get that tailgate padded the time you spend sitting on it”. Excellent.

“Lauren didn’t just want Brian off her, he wanted her away for good. Brian grunted and farted”

There’s a great deal of humanity in this. Well done. Love the names too: Starla, Twila, Sharla. Definitely my area of interest and on my WL.

Alidownb wrote 480 days ago

I read chapter 4
I really, really liked the flow of things.
The modesty of it all. He's so cool about things and she puts on a good front. You expressed her insecurities very well. It was all so realistic, the dialogue, her mental, the way they kept running into each other. This is good. Really good!

-Aliah
Her Demise

L_MC wrote 480 days ago

A good premise, the girl from something of a difficult background, wants to break the mould, doesn't want her future decided for her. It's easy to see how and why things could develop between her and Clay and you did a good job of contrasting him against Brian. The cold mother and brother with such a violent temper don't bode well for Lauren but her dad looks like a strong ally. I wonder how that relationship will be tested by the pregnancy.

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 483 days ago

Shannon, this is excellent! Totally absorbing. Your characters are very well drawn, especially Lauren, who is both tough and vulnerabie. You've got great potential chemistry going between Lauren and Clay. I will move this to my watchlist, keep reading, and soon shelve it. Good luck!

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