Book Jacket

 

rank 2703
word count 103636
date submitted 17.02.2012
date updated 22.07.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Chick Li...
classification: moderate
complete

Reconstruction

Shannon Stewart

Getting pregnant was not supposed to happen to a smart girl like Lauren. Especially not when the father is her dad's boss...

 

Lauren isn't impressed with Clay, her dad's boss. But something changes that Friday, when Clay sits by her on the tailgate and whispers in her ear. He only asks about the bathroom, but something in his lopsided smile and deep voice makes her face burn, makes her turn and inhale the scent of him, before she can answer.

Lauren’s twenty. Clay’s thirty-four. She can't think about him. She has enough trouble in this dried-up West Texas town. Her family expects her to marry Brian and raise a house full of kids in a double-wide. And Lauren has plans of her own: to get away from Brian, get out of town, and get a college education. Even if she liked him, there is no Clay in her long term plans.

Until Clay gets her pregnant. Then Lauren has to make a new plan. That single-minded goal of independence has driven her for so long, but she'll have to put it aside to accept Clay's help.

Then the baby is born too early and doesn't survive. How can she ever want anything from life again? And if the baby was all that bound her to Clay, walking away shouldn't hurt so bad.

 
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tags

construction, emotional, family, fiction, heartbreaking, life, literary fiction, love, new adult, pregnancy, relationships, romance, texas, women's fi...

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Chapters

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19

Clay’s sister Pamela brought her family to Lubbock for Christmas and Clay decided to drive home. The long trip gave him plenty of time to think. When he pulled into the driveway without Lauren, his mom asked about her.

“She’s gone.”

“What do you mean, gone?” Bonnie held the door open for him.

“She moved out.” He didn’t acknowledge her surprise as he walked past her.

“She just got out of the hospital a few weeks ago.”

“I know.” He took off his coat and hung it on the rack by the front stairs.

He hated being short with his mother, but he knew whatever he said would be repeated to his dad and sister. If they wanted to hash over the gory details of his life, they’d need to wait until Christmas was over and he was gone.

Pamela’s sons, Hunter and Dakota, were five and seven. The two boys were all Texas twang and twenty-two rifles. Every time he talked to those boys on the phone, they told him how excited they were about Christmas at Meemaw’s and Peepaw’s house. They loved their grandparents for the four wheelers, the hunting and the cows. And when the boys said cows, Clay knew they meant cow manure fights in the barn. They were a pair of “yes ma’am” and “no sir” saying, Wrangler jean and Justin boot wearing, red-headed whirlwinds.

Clay put his bag in his room even though the boys were sleeping in his room. He would be sleeping on the fold-out. It wouldn’t work to have the little ones on the sleeper sofa while “Santa” was putting together bicycles.

His mother and sister spent their time making sure the house felt like Christmas. They hung holly and lights in the living room. While they worked together on the holiday feast, Christmas music played from a radio on the kitchen counter. Clay cleared out when the women corralled the boys in the kitchen to make plaster-of-Paris Christmas ornaments of their handprints. That effort only produced a mess. But, the boys did successfully manage to make long popcorn garlands that they wrapped around the bottom half of the tree, because they refused to accept help getting them any higher.

Clay was comfortable out there on the farm, with family traditions being passed down, and two rambunctious little boys running roughshod through the house like they owned the place.

He knew his family was concerned. His mother kept looking at him, head tilted back and eyebrows pulled together, as if waiting for him to tell her something. He couldn’t give her any satisfaction.

Still, keeping information from them didn’t stop them from hashing. On Saturday afternoon, Clay came around the corner, carrying Dakota’s newly sighted rifle.

“You have got to be kidding! How old do you think she was?” Pamela asked, before she realized he was there.

Bonnie snapped her eyes over to him, and Pamela followed her gaze.

There was only a moment’s silence before Bonnie recovered. “Are you boys getting hungry? I made chicken and dumplin’s.” She grabbed her spoon, as if suddenly remembering to stir the pot on the stove.

He looked between Pamela and his mother, irritated. “I’m sure the little guys are hungry by now,” Clay said. “They’re going to wear dad smooth out. His nerves can’t take it like they used to. I’ll tell them it’s ready?” He turned back toward the door and Pamela put her hand on his arm.

“Clay, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Pamela.” He looked down at her hand and then up at her, but she left her hand there.

“Well, I know its hard now. It’s a downright tragedy. But maybe in the long run.. Maybe…Well it sounds like everything may have worked out for the best.”

“What would make you say that?” Clay asked her.

“Well… Uh… It’s just that… Well it didn’t sound like she was right for you.”

“Well I’m glad you have it all figured out. I feel better already.” He told her as he walked to the door. He turned back before he walked out. “Listen. Don’t ever think you have the right to judge her, Pamela. You have no idea who she is.”

He walked out and reported to the men in the barn that dinner was ready. When everyone gathered around the table to say grace, Pamela looked apologetic. He could tell that she was sorry about their earlier exchange, and he was too.

Even though Pamela and the boys were out of school until after the first of the year, Todd had to go back to work the day after Christmas. So once the presents were opened and loaded into Todd and Pamela’s car, his sister gave him a goodbye hug.

“It sure was good to see you, Clay, and I’m so sorry about your loss. If there is anything I can do…”

“I’ll be fine. You have a beautiful family, Pamela. You’re doing a good job with those boys. I envy you.”

Bonnie stood watching, twisting a towel nervously in her hands. She patted Clay on the back as they walked to the porch, where they stood and watched Pamela’s family drive out of sight.

Like Todd, Clay had to be back at work, so he left the farm right after lunch. Before leaving town, he drove out to the cemetery. He ran his hand over the metal plaque, tracing the outline of her name. It would be spring before the new grass would take hold and keep the loose dirt in from covering the marker. With frost soaking the knees of his jeans, he wept there alone at her grave. It was a short lapse, and he caught himself quickly. He pinched the bridge of his nose to stop the flow of tears. Then he stood up, took a deep breath, and went back to his truck. He drove east to Waco while the sun went west and eventually set in his rearview mirror.

    Back in Waco, he spent New Year’s Eve at a bar with Logan. And as the new year took shape, he found himself in the same routine that had been his life before Lauren. The blank space left in his day-to-day was similar to the vacancy after Allyson left. But the hole that he couldn’t go near for fear of being sucked in was the one in his future. All planning, all hoping, all looking forward had been sucked into it already. What was there but more of the same stretching out in front of him? The only difference between life before and life after was the new knowledge that his life seemed to have no purpose.

    Clay tried hard to push thoughts of Lauren and Emily out of his mind. There was a new space to fill and only work to fill it. He was old enough to know that life wasn’t over. He was old enough to know that he might find someone else before long and end up married with kids. He knew it wasn’t his last chance. It wasn’t even his best chance. But he had enjoyed them while they had been in his life. And now that they were both gone, he only wanted to get some distance from his loss, so that when he did look back on it, it wouldn’t hurt so damn bad.

His mother tread lightly when she called and asked if he wanted her to pack up all of the baby’s things and store them at the farm. Clay let her clean up after the tempest that blew in and out of his life, leaving everything slightly askew. Bonnie did the work silently. No comments. No questions. He knew his mother was angry at Lauren for the way she left. He could feel her watching him, looking for a way to approach the subject, but he didn’t give her the chance.

When he got to the house to see her, he noticed that she had dusted and he thanked her for cleaning up. Then he carried the heavier things out to the truck for her, and she thanked him, as if he were doing her a favor.

“Are you going to keep this house?” she asked him that night as they ate at the dining room table.

“Might as well. The longer I keep it the more I’ll make when I sell it.”

“Is she supposed to come back for those maternity clothes in the closet? Or should I take them?”

“You should take them. She’s not coming back.”

“When was the last time you talked to her?”

“Mom.” He put his fork down and gave her a sharp look.

“Clay, I just don’t understand. What happened? Who was this girl? This is just so unlike you.”

“Mom, I’m a grown man. She was just a girl. I met her out in Curt and…” He couldn’t remember what came next. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

“You fell in love with her,” she finished for him. “I could see it all over your face.”

 “Yeah.” 

“I just don’t understand how she could just leave you like that.”

“I guess she didn’t love me back.”

“Sure she did. That’s why I don’t understand. What happened? Didn’t you tell her that you loved her?”

“Mom, please. I don’t want to go into this. She’s gone. It’s over.”

“You didn’t tell her, did you? Have you called her?”

“She changed her number.”

“Well, I’ll be.” She got up and took their plates to the kitchen to wash them. Then she went down the hall to finish packing up Lauren’s old clothes.

The next morning, he walked her outside to say goodbye.

“Have you even been sleeping here?” she asked as they were standing by Dwayne’s truck, packed up and tied down, the baby furniture covered by a blue tarp.

“Sometimes, but I have a couch at the office.”

“You sleep in your construction trailer?”

“Sometimes.” He tested the rope that criss-crossed the bed of the truck. “You all set? You have gas?”

“Yeah, I guess I better get on the road. I hate driving at night, and Dwayne hates eating those frozen casseroles I left him.”

 

#

One Saturday in March, driving back to work after lunch, Clay passed a softball field and saw Lauren’s car parked on the street. He drove by slowly and searched the people on the field. Then he saw a girl pull her shoulders back and lift her chin to laugh, a mannerism he would have recognized in a crowd of thousands. He hadn’t known she had imprinted herself on him so completely until he saw her again after so much time.

    He didn’t stop. He watched her in the space of a few seconds as he passed. She was out in the sun, wearing shorts and a ponytail. She had on a cap and a team shirt with Teleserv across the back. She held a softball glove and she was talking to someone across the field. He had never seen her in a ball cap.

She looked fine. Not just pretty and healthy, but whole. She didn’t look like a victim. Part of him was relieved. The part of him that felt responsible for the bruising of such a young girl’s heart was off the hook.

But it bothered him that they had recovered from the loss of their child separately. She was the only one he had wanted to share his grief with, and she hadn’t felt the same way. That part of him felt discarded, like a splinter that needed to be pulled before she could heal. He had been watching her longer than he had known her. She had always been better without him.

He went home and painted the baby’s room back to the same taupe color in the rest of the house. Then he called his mom.

 

Chapters

21

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Tod Schneider wrote 295 days ago

Critique-wise I only found a few extremely minor word choices or errata to nitpick in chapter one. Of course, these are just my suggestions, so do with them as you please!
I'd cut "that silt" and just say "it smelled of her father". That would continue the poetic flow of the paragraph more cleanly.
I'd cut "then" and just say "He squirted a packet of taco sauce." We can tell when it happened without you saying "then."
"That was fast (cut: comma insert: period)" She paused,..."
Like I said, pretty minor stuff, but every little bit helps. Best of luck!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Tod Schneider wrote 295 days ago

Your writing is really first rate! Your descriptions are finely crafted, and you've got a good handle on keeping the action and dialogue moving without getting buried in backstory or flowery language. It all reads very smoothly, and its easy to empathize with Lauren. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

DWBrown wrote 303 days ago

I used to run heavy equipment for the military and I must say, I'm impressed with the way you laid out life at a construction site: spot on. The part about Junior spitting out the hawker was pretty funny too.
Your writing is strong and this is a good story. Did see one grammatical: Junior turned almost purple while ...got in the face...Good writing. many stars...

Shannon Stewart wrote 393 days ago

Thank you so much for the careful and detailed analysis. I will be happy to give my best effort for your book as well.

I guess Chapter 6 wasn’t the best place for you to start. In previous chapters you see Lauren methodically planning her future in rebellion against the male dominated world where she has grown up.

In this scene she is shocked at her own reaction to this man, because it is completely anathema to her beliefs and value system. And so, in spite of how she may feel, at the end of the afternoon she walks away from him and back to her original plan.

In other chapters Lauren is reading Atlas Shrugged. In Atlas Shrugged, Dagny Taggart is a very strong female protagonist who never entertained the idea of submitting to anyone, male or female, until she met a man worthy of her submission. And, like Lauren, Dagny is amazed to discover the erotic nature of love and mutual, consensual submission.

Again, thank you for the detailed response. I am thrilled at the rare opportunity to discuss the more complex themes that I worked hard to integrate into this story. It isn’t often that I get to expand on the thought process behind some of these details.

Hi there,

you asked me to look at ch6+

I only have time right now to look at the one chapter. I'm impressed by your writing. I really lived through the storm with your characters. It was atmospheric and engaging.

My corrections are all minor things relating to typos, grammar or choice of words. I can see that you are very good writer and I don´t want to take that away from you. However, reading this chapter out of context, I found the situation rather outdated and mysoginstic. In your very nice e-mail that you sent me you talked about Revolutionary Road and Jane Eyre, two books which feature the most incredibly drawn female characters. Lauren, in this chapter at least, feels like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel, unable to fight the hold a man has over her. Whilst your writing is way above such a level, I felt you had fallen into a trap of regurgitating an received idea - male sexual dominance and female submission - that while still humanly possible today, by including it in a work of fiction, you reinforce this rather old fashioned societal norm.

I don't want this criticism to take anything away from the power or quality of your writing. I would just hope that someone with such talents would try to break down such ideas. Of course, as I don't know what happens in the rest of the book I can't say for sure that's not what you're doing.

Here are all my close observations for Chapter 6:
Trust me, it’s just right there
- delete just, it's repeated

Then he opened the door on the right, pushed her in and shoved in behind her
- I don't like shove. Sounds inaccurate. Barged maybe?

ONCE inside they struggled together to get the door closed again

. She held the handles while he secured the chain with the padlock. THE inner doors of the entryway popped open and shut from the pressure of the wind.
-separate in 2 sentences to avoid rep of while

“You’re better off here than you WOULD BE at your house.”

She looked at him. She stared at his face.
-basically the same info twice

he answered, but he wasn’t paying HER ANY attention
-sounds snappier

Then he turned and started down the hall, HEADED further into the building.
-clarifies

five-gallon buckets that he upended ON the floor of the

avoid looking at him and sat down ON her bucket

like succumbing to GRAVITY.
- not sure there is such a thing as A (i.e. one single) grav. pull isn't it just gravity?
- I don't like this paragraph. It is well written but it makes your main character the stereotypical weak female at the man's beck and call. That might be acceptable for romantic fiction but what about real life and the message you are sending to your readers.

soak up every smell and sound and feeling. He smelled
-rep of smell

but she was still thrumming from the fervor
- I don't think a person can thrum. You can thrum an instrument but I'm not sure you can thrum yourself :-)

sending A shiver through her, even as she soaked

agonizing pleasure
-In general you've written the sex scene extremely well. However I don't like this phrase, why is it agonizing? I know sex can touch on violence and desire can itself be painful but this seems out of context

She heard him almost chuckle
- once again makes him seem very arrogant and her weak

but the maids had done TOO GOOD A job of securing it to the mattress.
-unless you particularly want to comment on the maid's competency

for the grief that was already inching its way back into her chest
- I haven't read the previous chapters but isn´t grief usually reserved for someone who has died?

lined up by the door. Then again at their clothes in a heap
-one sentence not two

artefact
-more typical i think than artifact?

soak up etc.
- you use this verb too often for what she is doing

of having this act done to parts of her body, she had just PERFOMED IT with her
- to avoid the jarring repetition of act

that this kind of man existed in reality. She was certain this kind of sensuality was
-rep this kind

with this man, she could hope for SOMEONE like him someday, when the time was right. But oh, she wanted HIM SO MUCH.
- man man man :-)

a bunch of other idiots
-sounds odd

“Weebles wobbles but THEY don’t fall down?
- or is this intentional?

I'd appreciate it if you could find some time to take a look at my book in return,

Best wishes,

Benedict



benedict wrote 393 days ago

Hi there,

you asked me to look at ch6+

I only have time right now to look at the one chapter. I'm impressed by your writing. I really lived through the storm with your characters. It was atmospheric and engaging.

My corrections are all minor things relating to typos, grammar or choice of words. I can see that you are very good writer and I don´t want to take that away from you. However, reading this chapter out of context, I found the situation rather outdated and mysoginstic. In your very nice e-mail that you sent me you talked about Revolutionary Road and Jane Eyre, two books which feature the most incredibly drawn female characters. Lauren, in this chapter at least, feels like something straight out of a Mills and Boon novel, unable to fight the hold a man has over her. Whilst your writing is way above such a level, I felt you had fallen into a trap of regurgitating an received idea - male sexual dominance and female submission - that while still humanly possible today, by including it in a work of fiction, you reinforce this rather old fashioned societal norm.

I don't want this criticism to take anything away from the power or quality of your writing. I would just hope that someone with such talents would try to break down such ideas. Of course, as I don't know what happens in the rest of the book I can't say for sure that's not what you're doing.

Here are all my close observations for Chapter 6:
Trust me, it’s just right there
- delete just, it's repeated

Then he opened the door on the right, pushed her in and shoved in behind her
- I don't like shove. Sounds inaccurate. Barged maybe?

ONCE inside they struggled together to get the door closed again

. She held the handles while he secured the chain with the padlock. THE inner doors of the entryway popped open and shut from the pressure of the wind.
-separate in 2 sentences to avoid rep of while

“You’re better off here than you WOULD BE at your house.”

She looked at him. She stared at his face.
-basically the same info twice

he answered, but he wasn’t paying HER ANY attention
-sounds snappier

Then he turned and started down the hall, HEADED further into the building.
-clarifies

five-gallon buckets that he upended ON the floor of the

avoid looking at him and sat down ON her bucket

like succumbing to GRAVITY.
- not sure there is such a thing as A (i.e. one single) grav. pull isn't it just gravity?
- I don't like this paragraph. It is well written but it makes your main character the stereotypical weak female at the man's beck and call. That might be acceptable for romantic fiction but what about real life and the message you are sending to your readers.

soak up every smell and sound and feeling. He smelled
-rep of smell

but she was still thrumming from the fervor
- I don't think a person can thrum. You can thrum an instrument but I'm not sure you can thrum yourself :-)

sending A shiver through her, even as she soaked

agonizing pleasure
-In general you've written the sex scene extremely well. However I don't like this phrase, why is it agonizing? I know sex can touch on violence and desire can itself be painful but this seems out of context

She heard him almost chuckle
- once again makes him seem very arrogant and her weak

but the maids had done TOO GOOD A job of securing it to the mattress.
-unless you particularly want to comment on the maid's competency

for the grief that was already inching its way back into her chest
- I haven't read the previous chapters but isn´t grief usually reserved for someone who has died?

lined up by the door. Then again at their clothes in a heap
-one sentence not two

artefact
-more typical i think than artifact?

soak up etc.
- you use this verb too often for what she is doing

of having this act done to parts of her body, she had just PERFOMED IT with her
- to avoid the jarring repetition of act

that this kind of man existed in reality. She was certain this kind of sensuality was
-rep this kind

with this man, she could hope for SOMEONE like him someday, when the time was right. But oh, she wanted HIM SO MUCH.
- man man man :-)

a bunch of other idiots
-sounds odd

“Weebles wobbles but THEY don’t fall down?
- or is this intentional?

I'd appreciate it if you could find some time to take a look at my book in return,

Best wishes,

Benedict

Oktober wrote 397 days ago

I've read up to chapter 7 and backed - I am a huge fan! I loved the rapid point of view changes in the early chapters; they made the action move at a great pace and gave a good insight into the main characters. I found Lauren instantly engaging and cared about what happened to her. Your writing is also excellent - nothing jarred or niggled at all and you describe people, places and events so vividly I can really picture them, but without distracting from the story. I loved chapter 6 with the storm and Lauren and Clay finally getting together - very dramatic and I could hardly put it down! This feels so much like a book I would read in print that I have given six stars, on my shelf and I can't wait to read more!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober.

Oktober wrote 397 days ago

I've read up to chapter 7 and backed - I am a huge fan! I loved the rapid point of view changes in the early chapters; they made the action move at a great pace and gave a good insight into the main characters. I found Lauren instantly engaging and cared about what happened to her. Your writing is also excellent - nothing jarred or niggled at all and you describe people, places and events so vividly I can really picture them, but without distracting from the story. I loved chapter 6 with the storm and Lauren and Clay finally getting together - very dramatic and I could hardly put it down! This feels so much like a book I would read in print that I have given six stars, on my shelf and I can't wait to read more!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 399 days ago

Dear Shannon

I saw that you wanting opinions from chapter 3 of "Reconstruction" onwards, so I read chapter 1 and chapter 3 just now.

I really like this! Besides flowing well and being a very clean MS, your story is very well observed. The details are lively, clean and easy to get into, so that I can see exactly what is going on. Your characters are very well drawn and realistic. Big dad doing his best, and Lauren's brother always threatening to lose his cool. I also understand Lauren's dilemma, trying to break away from the usual expectations for her. There is a wonderful story building.

Thank you for writing that is interesting, easy to read and refreshing. I wish you well and send lots of stars to boost your total.

All the very best to you.

Fran :-))

Six Foot Bonsai wrote 400 days ago

HI Shannon. Nice work!

I've picked up 11, 12, and then 16. On the earlier two, although I find the writing exceptional, I struggled with the call center gig. I have some insight on that line of work and it did not come through as entirely real. Also, I'm not feeling Chip. He seems younger than I thought he would be being the MC's dad's boss.

On Chapter 16- I LOVED the opening. Very realistic desciption of what goes through a woman's mind in times like these. I see real potential in your writing. Stacy G.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 401 days ago

Shannon,
A taste of hard living on the Texas plain, or construction site, to be exact. This book about feisty Lauren whose dreams of a double-wide are shattered by her Dad's boss getting her pregnant, is as basic and raw as one can get in conceiving a plot around the salt of the earth. The narrative is casual and easy, the dialogue blunt and unaffected. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Sharda D wrote 403 days ago

Hi Shannon,
you asked me to look at chps from 3 on, so I looked at 3,4 & 5. I also skimmed through chp 1, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything plotwise.

I like it! The story is unfolding at a nice pace, not too fast, not too slow. It is enjoyable. You writing is smooth and flows easily. I couldn't see much by way of typos or obvious mistakes. Book clubs are increasingly popular here in the UK and I could see this as a popular bookclub read.

Niggles? Not many. I wasn't completely convinced by the fairly frequent POV switches, but I didn't dislike them either. Maybe you could smooth the switches a little so that they flow from one to the other when there is a natural switchover point, e.g. Lauren could put her money for the food on the table and Clay could pick it up, also picking up his POV from there. You inhabit each POV well, particularly Lauren's. I like all her italicised thoughts as she is talking to Clay, all the self-doubt and nervousness is very human and I could really identify with it even though I'm married with three kids!!
You build the sexual tension between Lauren and Clay nicely in Chapter 5 (and throughout what I read). The sub plot with Junior, Mum and Dad is interesting too and a good counterpoint. I like the construction industry backdrop, it is original and there is good scope for metaphor and symbolism which you exploit in places. I like the descriptions - the weather and the building site, the smell of the rain in chp 5. I could do with slightly more of these in places, more sights, sounds, smells, weather, colour, there's a lot of dialogue and I think the balance could do with shifting slightly.
These are very tiny points however, the MS is pretty polished as it is.
Well done, all the best with this.
5 stars from me!
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, so when you get a moment please take a look at mine. No pressure!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

rhivey wrote 423 days ago

Really liked this story, couldn't wait to finish it. Good job.

Nono hoho wrote 428 days ago

I really like this. Lauren is a great character. Wondeful idea for a novel - I really want t things to work out for Lauren in the end.

Backed and starred

Fontaine wrote 436 days ago

While this is not the kind of book I would normally read, I found myself engaged very quickly. Your characters are strong and well drawn, especially Junior! and so is the relationship between Lauren and her family. Brian is nicely ordinary and one can tell he is not going to be enough fro her.
I liked very much the decsription of the tension inside her at the party when she wanted Clay to look at her and Brian to leave. I think the strangth of your book lies in the fact that most people will have experienced moments like that.
I have only one real criticism and that is that there is not description of Clay when they first meet. I have no idea what he looks like. You are good at describig characters. I could easily visualise the father in particular, so I really think we need to be equally interested in Clay and at present he is a bit shadowy. Only my opinion of course. Good luck with your writing.

fledglingowl wrote 439 days ago

Shannon,
Great opening. Wonderful red-neck men and Clay is such a stellar alpha male. I love a good romance and this has all the hallmarks of a great one. Your descriptions are wonderful, I thought you could shorten your opening paragraph and still make your point about the mud. Like the hook of your second paragraph and will have to read more to learn why she only has months left with her dad.
Your pitch really gives a good outline of your story. Gave this five stars, keeping it on my watchlist to come back soon to read more.
Janet

Eden Ashley wrote 441 days ago

Great descriptive opening! I been in a love/hate showdown with my opening paragraph for over a month now, so I really appreciated yours.

"You hungry? We have plenty." --That sounds too proper contrasted to the way you present their manner of speaking. It would seem a more natural lingo for Jim to say 'We got plenty."

"She didn't respond, forced herself not to answer, allowing an awkward beat she mildly regretted, but only because it threatened to squash her dad's enthusiasm." --That sentence was a little awkward to read. Didn't flow as well as the rest.

Loved this exchange--"Is he giving her a physical?" To which her dad replies, "You gotta make sure that they're healthy." Ha!

Both your short pitch and long pitch promise a great story. And from what I've read so far, you are primed to deliver! I will be back to read more of this.

Eden

Red2u wrote 441 days ago

I can picture Lauren- your writing makes her come to life, a young woman stuck in a rut. You weave Clay into the book making it all believable. Well done. I have highly starred.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

JKass wrote 451 days ago

You describe your MC very well, letting the reader get to know her through her insecurity and quirks. A great read and its easy to see why it shot up so fast!

iandsmith wrote 451 days ago

My eyes lit up at construction sites, and the workman-like dialogue: “must get that tailgate padded the time you spend sitting on it”. Excellent.

“Lauren didn’t just want Brian off her, he wanted her away for good. Brian grunted and farted”

There’s a great deal of humanity in this. Well done. Love the names too: Starla, Twila, Sharla. Definitely my area of interest and on my WL.

Alidownb wrote 452 days ago

I read chapter 4
I really, really liked the flow of things.
The modesty of it all. He's so cool about things and she puts on a good front. You expressed her insecurities very well. It was all so realistic, the dialogue, her mental, the way they kept running into each other. This is good. Really good!

-Aliah
Her Demise

L_MC wrote 452 days ago

A good premise, the girl from something of a difficult background, wants to break the mould, doesn't want her future decided for her. It's easy to see how and why things could develop between her and Clay and you did a good job of contrasting him against Brian. The cold mother and brother with such a violent temper don't bode well for Lauren but her dad looks like a strong ally. I wonder how that relationship will be tested by the pregnancy.

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 455 days ago

Shannon, this is excellent! Totally absorbing. Your characters are very well drawn, especially Lauren, who is both tough and vulnerabie. You've got great potential chemistry going between Lauren and Clay. I will move this to my watchlist, keep reading, and soon shelve it. Good luck!

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