The Mad Faun

Wow Holly. How interesting and how cool is this. Not normally my bag this but with that said, I think its amazing. Very intelligent indeed and the narrative is brilliant. Great character descriptions and fantastic pace. I can see this doing very well and I wish you luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Gosh, what a fabulous opening chapter! Brilliantly written, fascinating idea, beautifully conjured scenes. I'd like to read more so will WL and book shelf in due course.
Andrea
the de Amerley Affair

Rowan has a lot of people coming after her. She must be terrified. This story was one complex read, but I think I understand the plot. It’s amazing. Rowan and her gift connected to suspicions of treason by her family, the fear of another plague sent by fauns, and the one family she knows betrays her. On the run and then captured over and over, no idea of what’s going on . . . it’s a thrilling tale and quite a bit darker than one can initially tell. I love how the mystery of this story unfolds, with clues hidden well inside the plot and natural characters’ conversations. The one thing I really can’t figure out is why Sirian appears to constantly be mentally tormented by Rowan. I particularly enjoyed Rowan’s vision of the two children in the forbidden tower, then discovering her connection to them several chapters later, and her meeting with her aunt. I’d be just as shaken as Rowan in her place and asked to do what she’s asked. The characters Amarsi and Seth are quite interesting, I’m guessing they have a lot more to do with what’s happened than is revealed. This is the kind of scary, mysterious adventure I love.

The Mad Faun - Interesting tale...It has pulled me in. If I have opportunity, I will continue the read....Enjoyed it...Rowan sets the stage well as she learns of her special ability.
CADreilling The Line- Beginnings

The Mad Faun.

Reading on, this book proved to be a lot more complex than I had originally thought. Rowan, as was expected, no simple small-holder's child. Her origins, slowly unravelled, have also widened the scope of the world the author has created. I thought it clever to hinge the book on the untimely deaths of King Ranulf, and subsequently the Faun Queen, which provoked a lot of questions. Why and how the two races came into collision, is partly explained by the 'scourge', which devasted the lands and might have been the extinction, as is hinted, of the Fauns. I think there's a lot more to this, but I could be wrong.
Sirian, is a fascinating character. I'm glad you've come away from the myth and legend of them being small and mischevious, and have made them quite large and rather ferocious. Sirian and Rowan's relationship slides back and forth between angst, distrust and occasional dependency, which deepens as the story progresses.
One thing that I found a little odd, Sirian wears clothes, well a jacket and cloak, which is fine. He's dishevelled and smelly when Rowan first comes into actual physical contact with him and later, though it's very cold, frost and snow everywhere, she persuades him to bathe in a stream. Wouldn't he be a lot colder afterwards? A small nit that didn't detract from the overall enjoyment of the story.
Descriptions of buildings and landscapes are well written, providing more than enough for a reader to visualise the locations. Some of the dialogue seemed a little forced, but in the main flowed well. Characterisation was good throughout, the villains villainous, though one nice touch was the twist you've engineered for Huw.
One big gripe was the visions. Please consider using a different font for these, as I often had to go back as reread as what was happening in the past was dislocated from present time. Another was Rowan losing consciousness so much. The final gripe was the number of injuries she received from one source or another. It seems that not a day goes past without her being physically damaged in some way.
Apart for some dialogue that seemed a little forced to me, the writing flowed well. I'm not sure what length this book will be when completed, but imagine it will be quite lengthy. Just my cup of tea. I would be interested to discover how you will draw together all of the strands you've woven to resolve this story.
High stars.

The Mad Faun.

Chapter 3 (On Authonomy).

'...pulled the sacking closer...'
'...pulled the sacking from...'
'The sacking chafed...'
Tough 'sacking' is used in separate paragraphs, they are sufficiently close enough to become slightly repetitive. Hessian, rough cloth, or some other word to describe the 'sacking' might be an good idea.
I appreciate the descriptions of how Rowan has a bodily sensations as visions begin to be seen.
'...not lying on a file (pile) of furs.'
'...check the snares and then leaving as swiftly as possible.' - As Rowan's thinking about what she's going to do 'leave' would be more appropriate.
'Mounting the fretful pont with difficulty...' - difficulty.
'...the creeping terror fused my senses.' - Fused implies Rowan's senses are welded together - perhaps infused would work better.
You captured Rowan's desperation as she runs through the Watchers and into unknown territory, certain she's being watched.

Chapter 4.

The first sentence is a little awkward, perhaps - Some time later, lying with my face pressed against stone, littered with dead leaves, Blackie woke me.'
'As I drew the sacking free...' - Where did the sacking come from? Not the chest as you've already described how its decorated.
'The chamber was spanned...' - cut 'was'.
'I bundled them into a sack and dragged (it) to the hearth...'
'You know this tower is locked up...' - cut 'up' - not needed.
'...hugged the girl.' - As Nate and Nell are the only two people in the tower, (other than Rowan who's seeing this interaction in a vision), 'girl' seems wrong. Consider - hugged his sister - or - hugged her.
'How long ago had its happened?' - Typo - cut 's' from 'it'.
'...plummet straight through it.' - Unless Rowan's going to go through the walls of the shaft, which she doesn't, use down. Then shortly after substitute 'down' for - lower.

Really enjoyed this so far, and will continue to read, but I have to say Rowan must be a mass of cuts, scratches and bruises by now.

I've decided to post some comments here from the MAYHEM tournament (http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/94967/mayhem-tm-/ oh and thanks for organising BTW WiSpY!). Both sets of comments are anonymous, but the criticisms made, I think, are absolutely spot on. I am in the process of re-reading my book and I completely agree with the areas both reviewers found needed improvement! NB THE MAD FAUN was up against Jane Dougherty's THE DARK CITADEL - Jane's excellent book won Round 2 of the MYAHEM contest, a very well-deserved win!So here are the two sets of anonymous reviews.

Reviewer 1:

Plot [SPOILER ALERT!]. Rowan has been born with the gift of Hindsight. Her parents hid in a distant farm to both protect her and to shield her mother, who had some special knowledge proscribed by the crown. She is now alone with her stepmother, who betrays her through trying to steal her inheritance. Rowan runs when the Watchers arrive, but then is waylaid by her stepmother’s lover and accomplice. Both of them are killed, thanks to the mad faun. The two then begin a journey that arrests when the Watchers catch Rowan, but not the faun. Now she is taken to be hidden with kinfolk, but she is still at risk. Apparently things don’t go well, judging by the prolog. Rowan is condemned to death for something she hasn’t yet done with her hindsight. The pacing is slower to start, aside from the prolog. Note, Rowan does seem to end scenes by losing consciousness a lot.

Characters. Rowan in a compelling character for YA. She is brave and resourceful, as well as having a special power. Sirian is a great counterpoint. He is deeply disturbed and can’t remember what happened to him, or why he has to be near Rowan, aside from her calling to him at some level. The stepmother comes over as a typical grasping bag with a whole dose of cowardice thrown in. The Watchers are chilling, and yet there is more to them than first appears, given Rowan’s apparent rescue.

Setting. Very nicely done. A sense of where Rowan is at any given time is well shown.

Dialog. Believable, but in parts, it is almost too much. Conversations between Rowan and Sirain tend to be mostly dialog with no interspacing of movement , thoughts, or setting details. It tends to slow down the pace.

Technical skill. Nothing jumped out, aside from the long dialog moments.

Reviewer 2:

[Before Mayhem] I had not read any of 'The Mad Faun' and read the entire upload. I read for plot, character and that ineffable quality of 'writing'.

'The Mad Faun'
I liked this book too! A great deal. It's very different in style and story from the other. Again, there is a strong-willed heroine with sufficient gumption to take control of her own fate. The plot is, I think, complicated and ambitious but that might be an appearance of complexity caused by the non-linear nature of time. I wasn't able to read the whole book, only the posted chapters, so I don't know if the plot hangs together properly. I will say that nothing I have read has made me doubt that it does at the big picture level, judging by the events of the prologue and chapter six 'The Mad Faun' due to Rowan's ability of hindsight, and with time travel trailing paradoxes in its wake. This hindsight is an intriguing business. I'm not quite clear how it works but it is obviously more than being able to see what happened in the past - from the intensity of vision I'm supposing that, once she's got control of it, Rowan will be able to go into the past and change it. That's mostly working from the pitch though...

I enjoyed the prologue - being intrigued by the visions. I must say I found the pitch helpful in keeping track of the plot. The first few chapters had a very fairytale feel about them: wicked stepmothers, girls going alone through the woods; later there is a tower with a locked room. There's also a variation on the hidden heir plot, Rowan clearly being more than a simple woodsman's daughter. I'm afraid I never did work out why her father had married Martha. Sex, I suppose. I liked this reworking of old themes very much - the images are powerful and familiar and it helps me visualise the settings. There's also a tangible sense of danger running through it - the hunter and the hunted, Rowan's snaring of rabbits prefiguring her own capture, visions in the tower. I am intrigued by the motif of hair wrapped around a swordhilt. The mystery of the faun, and Rowan's involvement with him, was the most complicated part of the book because I'm pretty sure he's met her before although she's not met him (other than by glimpses of hindsight). That is ambitious plotting because of the intersection of past, present and future and I'd love to read to the end to see how you work it out.

I had one big problem with this book. I thought, as it went on, that I was reading more of a rough draft than the polished work of the earlier chapters. Not because of typos (it's a clean ms with only a very few grammatical slips, mostly people saying 'and I' when it should be 'and me', mostly) but because of the increasing reliance on conversation. I wanted the author to tell me more details, give me more description. I'm happy to join the dots when reading but I want something to work with. I get the big picture, by the way, these conversations work fine for that, pushing the plot on, filling in backstory, but I want little picture too to keep that sense of total immersion in a fictional world. The balance had tipped from characters interacting to characters talking and I felt some of the life left the book at these points because there was much less grounding in place in these sections, compared to the sensory engagement of the opening chapters. Chapter 10 (chapter nine: refuge) is a good example of where I found myself thinking this, being made up almost entirely of a series of conversations, mostly between two people although not always the same two people. More importantly, so is chapter 6 (chapter five: faun) which is an important one as we finally get the USP of this book - the faun and his 'madness' up front. I'd been waiting for it with some impatience and I'm afraid felt a little shortchanged.

Here's the detail of why: These conversations are of the untagged, short line variety - straight to and fro between two people, like a tennis rally, and relatively little 'business' in the background. It's not wrong or bad writing in and of itself but it did leave me disengaged. I felt very much on the outside looking in at these times - I can hear what people are saying but I'm not being cued in on how they are saying it. No reaction shots. This leads me on to another point: It's a first person narration but I'm not party to Rowan's thoughts at this stage - she makes surprisingly little commentary in response to what is being said. I'd expect more introspection. Maybe that's just me.

(Another point, not a factor in deciding, but I'm curious as to how long this book is. I've read 56 k and, at the point it breaks off, I'm not clear how the events of the prologue will come to pass. I've seen the watchers watching, I've heard them make their threats, I've seen Rowan run and find a refuge with her own, long-lost relatives but she is an awfully long way (it seems) to being near the queen, let alone attempting to change the past. That's a lot to tie up in 14-20k, assuming this book is the length of much UK YA fiction currently on the shelves. Or is it a cliffhanger ending to the first book of the trilogy?)

So, how to vote? It's not easy because it's not really a fair fight. In concept, the playing field is fairly level: Both books tap into ancient veins of storytelling, one mythology and the other fairytale. Both have strong, not entirely sympathetic, female leads. Both in fact have heroines gifted with flashes of insight and glimpses of other times and places. So much in this match comes down to not what but how.

And it's how it's done in each case gives me the problem. I often feel that one must not judge an Authonomy book by its first three chapters because they are often an unrepresentative sample of the whole. Most everyone reads between 1-3 chapters of a book and thus these are usually are pretty well polished. After that, well, let's just say it varies! And that, to my mind, consistency is a virtue.

Both these books started very strongly but I thought the depth of writing in 'The Mad Faun' was uneven across the upload. On the other hand, there's much more of 'The Mad Faun' posted which gave me a chance to see what happens to the people and the writing after the first chapters: credit should be given for that. 'The Dark Citadel' had rather less than a quarter of the other's word count and so I couldn't tell if its momentum was sustained. I'm quite clear on this, however: at the point 'The Dark Citadel' broke off, I wanted to go on reading. By the point 'The Mad Faun' broke off, I was less sure, because of that sketched out feel to its later chapters. And that's all I have to go on. So 'The Dark Citadel' has it.

I'm sorry, Holly. Very high stars from me and I will check back often to see if more is available.

The Mad Faun.

Chapter 1 - A very dramatic, atmospheric opening.
Chapter 2 - A good description of the discarded sculpture, Rowan's impression of it and her feelings toward it emphasised by '...glancing at the goat's skull nailed above our cottage door.'
'...and I found I was less charmed.' - Consider cutting 'I found', as I think the sentence is much stronger without it.
The initial interaction between Venny and Rowan was rather confusing. Has Rowan taken Martha's letter to Sarrow for it to be pass on by some sort of postal service? If so, perhaps make this a clearer.
Also, Venny making it clear she had no idea why Rowan's father had married Martha, was a little jumbled and possibly doesn't need to be voiced. In the first chapter it's obvious Martha is hostile toward Rowan, and she's already showing traits of being a wicked step-mother.
'Seth stayed in shadows...' - Perhaps consider - Seth, staying in shadows, entered an alley etc.
'...there was no time to retrieve my saddle lay across the far side of the barn.' - Something is clearly missing here, either - my saddle laying across etc - or - my saddle which lay acrosss etc.
Overall this was a good chapter, the tension ratcheting up when the Watchers come to Rowan's cottage, Martha's character laid bare, and Rowan's escape into the wild night.
I don't have time to read further this evening, but will return to read more later before reviewing all you have posted on the site. This was an entertaining read, which promises more excitement to come.

Very well written. Strong characters, great dialogue, and the imagery sets the scenes so well that the reader is pulled into the feel, the tensions, the atmosphere. Your tale is intriguing. You pull the reader along at a clip so that they move from one moment to the next without a hitch even though it jumps time periods. Very well done. Magic mixed with a reality.

I found your book whilst looking on Amy Smith's shelf as a return favour for her backing me. I am very glad that I did!
Wow! A really impressive opening. Your first chapters give so many clues that this book is going to be a winner.
I love reading a book that gives me a clear image of the setting and the characters in my mind, and your book did this. You have created a fascinating world with so much intrigue and some brilliant vibrant characters, especially your leading lady Rowan.
You have found the perfect mix of dialogue and story telling which gives pace to your writing.
I would love to find something to suggest as an improvement as I am not a fan of the overly gushy comments, however I am still looking and find nothing useful to say! For this reason alone your book has earned a place on my shelf. Good luck, I hope to see it heading back up the charts! Kate

I read this a few weeks ago and for some unknown reason did not leave my comments at the time, thus this feedback is being written from memory.
Your pitches are very effective-i was pulled in straight away.
This novel has a unique and intriguing plot which captivated me immediately. All of the characters are extremely well-written, particularly Rowan, who is an amazing character. You have managed to achieve a female character who is strong and adventurous, whilst still showing her vulnerability; however this never comes across as her being needy or a damsel in distress.
There is a great balance between dialogue, action and description and the prose is always polished and effortless.
The changes between different time periods isn't confusing, despite the potential to 'lose' the reader, and actually, i think these shifts in time period really improve the pacing of this novel.
I can't really find anything to criticise here, accept for the fact that i was left hanging after the last chapter uploaded here.
I just wanted to keep reading.
Congratulations on a very well-crafted manuscript.
This will be on my shelf as soon as i have a spare spot.
Amy :)

Only read one chapter - am desperately rushing through books to catch up on debts and found this. Too late to read more but this is really very good.
An unusual concept, well executed thus far.
I enjoyed the grim beginning, with the seeming hopelessness and yet you manage to hold out enough 'maybe', combined with enough enticing mystery - who are these people? What on earth is going on?! - that I really want to read more (but am too tired).
I really must come back to see if this lives up to its promise. If I do and it does, I shall back this.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

PS Good pitch, too, though possibly long pitch is a tad over-long.
PPS Also, good title.

Hi Holly,
Firstly let me say that I am a hard person to please and I rarely gush. With that being said, I absolutely love your book! Truly, it is one of the better fantasy novels on this site and in the stores as of late. The subject matter is fresh, yet still tailored to fantasy/magic lovers. Fauns are one of my favorite mythical creatures and I am happy to see someone devoting a book to them.
The first para was so powerful and intense that it hooked me right away. You create engaging characters and have a wonderful command of setting the mood and creating an atmosphere the reader can get lost in.
As soon as I have room on my shelf, this is definitely going on it and I will definitely be back to read more!
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
Philosophia

This is a fascinating story. You have real talent in building the action and sharing the feelings of the protagonist. I think the book has potential. A few typos remain and should be cleaned up.

Best of luck!

GG

Hi Holly, returning the read.
The Mad Faun,
This is an extremely well written written book from the very first chapter. Its well edited, and I can find no fault. Begins with very short sentances, not my own preferance, but that's just me and I can see most people find it works for them.
Its a great fantasy story, the pitch and the cover is good.
The characters are interesting and well built from the beginning (I love the idea of the Watchers, particularly)
Overall, a great book.
Junetee(Four Corners)

Sadly, after two chapters, I'm going to have to move on. I'd like to read more, because it really is well-written, but my return read list is far too long and my time is short.

I like the prologue. You do a good job of describing the experience of a drugged state. My day job is as an adninistrator at a mental health center and I know well the problems some medications cause with memory. There is also a flavor of Rowan trying to keep a secret by actively forgetting because, in the drugged state, she cannot trust her self-control. That first scene does a lot to hook the reader and drew us forward into the story.

I loved the violent ending to Chapter 2. It sets the stage for Chapter 3 and further draws us onward into the story. I wish I had more time to continue forward. I think I would really enjoy it. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Holly,

Have just finished chapter 3 of the Mad Faun and have decided to leave it there. NOT because it isn't good, but because I am struggling to find reading time and my list is huge.

I loved it. I disagree with those that don't like your prologue, amnesia is not overused in the book I read and I don't think you are suggesting it is full on amnesia. Perhaps I have it wrong but I imagine she is trying to prevent herself remembering and in that way her memory is patchy and keeps trying to invsade her mind.

Either way, I thought it set the scene beautifully and hooked me into the story. I am not sure - having read it first no - but I'm not sure I would have been quite so hooked if I had started from chapter 1, something about that prologue makes me want to know how this girl got there.

Your character is well defined and the scene is set nicely in chapter 1. I like the characters I should and dislike the ones I should. The story flows nicely and the action is maintained despite the fact we are only following a girl riding through a forest for a long chapter.

The only niggle I had was that I think you can slow the pace in a couple of places, just to explain things better.
For example, in chapter 1 para 3 onwards, She goes to leave the cottage, then turns as the kettle falls and then the conversation sounds like she has been outside for a while. Also, later she throws the saddle bags on the horse and kicks it into motion...when did she get on it.

Whilst I can work out she did actually get on the horse before kicking into motion, that part of the action in my head is stunted because I'm having to go back and tell myself she did it. It interupted the flow slightly.

That is my main problem with the writing and it not exactly widespread.

I loved it, I wish I could read more, it's going on my shelf.

Danielle

Do horses eat holly?

Thanks for the comments, and yes, they do! See: http://www.shropshirewildlifetrust.org.uk/Nature+reserves/Havens+for+wildlife/The+Hollies

A very exciting first few chapters and beautifully written. On my watchlist to read more and I will be back to comment again.
One nit picking point. Do horses eat holly?

The writer has created a character in Rowan that the reader can admire and be drawn to; she has tenacity and courage, but also shows vulnerability which makes her likeable. I found myself cringe and empathise as Martha cruelly rebukes her for looking at her with her dead mother's eyes. The imagery used is also vivid and mirrors the fantasy theme eg 'the views of the peaks were breathtaking like the spine of some enormous beast ..' The start of the story with Rowan in captivity was one that piqued my interest and hooked me into wanting to find out why Rowan was afraid to remember and what it was that needed to be protected 'for the safety of others'. I particularly liked the contrast of the women watching over her doing needlework (a refined gentle occupation) and at the same time carrying a 'belt knife'. The writer clearly has a vivid imagination and has woven a captivating story with great skill.
Starred today and will back in the future.
Maria (Georgina's Family)

Hi Holly, you have been on my WL for sometime now, and I have watched your wonderful book steadily climb. Good work, I am keeping it there as I continue to read, but just wanted to say good job, I love your imagination.

Linda
Threads of Time

The prologue sets up an interesting character, but I agree with earlier reviewers about the amnesia issue. It suffers from overuse and in this case is not neccessary. As to the "they tell me" issue, it could be easily fixed by having the women who share her cell be the source, but it must be clarified, e.g. "the women who share this cell have told me . . ." or, "I have overheard the women say . . ." Regarding these women, if Rowan is so dangerous that she must be chained, why is she in a cell with women who are blithely doing needlework? Having made these points, I must say that I liked the story so far and will return to it when I have more time. Watchlisted and starred.
Might I prevail upon you to read Kailai and the Dragon Prince and leave any constructive criticism you might have. - Gao Zuojia

Very intriguing with a great story and captivating style. Backed.

Miles A. Robinson
Song for My Father and Loud Lucy Ludlow

Hi, Holly. I am reading “The Mad Faun” and leaving comments as I go.

I know I’ve read this before. I don’t see any of my comments or messages to you. Perhaps I read it, but forgot to comment? Regardless… Thoughts on the prologue. I don’t really like books that begin with characters that have amnesia, for lack of a better word. It seems like a weak way to introduce a character. It sounds cliché. If you can, I’d suggest trying to find a way you to introduce the character without her slowly “realizing” things, unless that is a part of your character traits, not knowing how things came to be this way. But it should be consistent. She should either remember everything, or remember nothing.

“They tell me that I was…” I’ve got to ask: who tells her? She doesn’t remember eating, sleeping, or dressing herself, but she remembers someone told her she was a lady in waiting to the Queen. If she has amnesia or whatever, how does she remember being told that? I’m sorry for being blunt, but this is a hard genre for me to suspend my belief. I couldn’t get past the first chapter of Harry Potter either. So you can ignore the above comments.

As I continue on, I am impressed with your writing ability. Your writing flows well, you use words and description well, and paint a vivid picture for the reader to imagine.

“plagues the older woman with questions.” What about “pesters the older woman with questions” ??? The reason I suggest it is because a few paragraphs earlier, you mention a plague, so I’d be on guard against repetition.

Again, now your main character remembers what happened with the previous girl… So I don’t like her waking up, knowing that she must eat and sleep somehow, but not remembering how. The amnesia bit has been done a million times. It seems amateur to me, and turns me off to the story. If she already knows how what has happened, and how she came to be this way, don’t have her wake up asking what happened, and how she came to be this way.

Something I do not get is how does this character who sees the past wake up not knowing how she is fed, or who clothed her, or where she sleeps? Why would she need to jar her memory if she can see the past? I don’t like her seeing the soldier, not recognizing him, and then remembering she’s seen him several times. So it’s as if she has amnesia, but she can see the past, she can’t remember things, but she recognizes people and remembers previous events. It's very inconsistent. It may be part of your character traits, or common in this genre, but it seems cliché to me, that you aren’t being fresh or original. And it makes me wonder why I should care about your character, when she doesn’t seem to know what she remembers and what she doesn’t, i.e. “the questions are always the same.” She didn’t recognize them a second ago. Now there’s a long history with the men asking her questions. Then she should recognize them the moment they step into the room. You wouldn't believe me if I wrote something like, "I see a strange face... Then I realize it is my mother." I can't get past your main character's memory gap.

Chapter one, I like this more than your prologue. You can definitely write well, but your prologue just doesn’t hook me. It raises more questions about logic, and why your character doesn’t remember much, but remembers a lot, has amnesia, but can see the past. Chapter one, though, seems like a better beginning. I’d at least consider re-working your prologue, or even getting rid of it and just starting with chapter one. I’m not sure how necessary your prologue is to the rest of the story.

I don’t have much else to say about chapter one, except the paragraphs tend to be a little short (because of the dialogue, I think). Sometimes I think short paragraphs can help set pacing (especially action scenes), but too much and the reader will begin to skim over them.

You do write very well. Your writing seems very well polished. Except for those couple “plagues”, I didn’t spot any repetition. You have a good mix of words. So you can write, that’s not in question. I simply don’t like the way you introduce your character’s memory in the prologue. Chapter one is fine. It’s your choice what to do. You know your story better than I do. But as a reader, I don’t like her memory problems. I want to know what she knows, and its hard for me to think of her as a real person when she can’t make up her mind about what she knows and what she remembers. This is simply my take on what I read, but I know that you have more writing talent than I do. Before posting though, I want to reiterate that this is not one of my favorite genres, so I am not your target audience. Others can give you better feedback than I can, and for that, I apologize.

All the best,

Shaun Holt
“Waiting for the Rain” / “German Derelict”

This wasn't hard to get into at all, in fact I was to chapter 4 before I knew it. The danger you present is immediate and all I could do was watch it unravel. This is very much within the genre you're writing in, and your dialogue and descriptions are seamlessly otherworldly - it never felt as though you were trying too hard to make it seem "old", it comes across just right, the language, the setting, the characters. The fauns intrigue me immensely and, as usual, the concept is the most important thing in popular fiction - i love the presentation of the figurine, the easy delivery of information that the fauns were responsible for an assasination. I really want to know what happens next, and have no hard critique for your approach or the concept or the delivery. Very nicely done indeed.

Elena - "Oko"

ps. - you will have to make the decision later, I'm sure, but I think the prologue is really not very necessary. I've seen many books employ a captivity hook in the beginning and, while it works, in this book's case it can stay or go, because the following chapters are easily captivating enough to stand on their own.

Hi,
I really liked chapter 1. It's very well written and has an excellent flow. Just enough details to fill out the story but also hinting at some mysteries to solve down the line. Will star highly.

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

Hi Holly,

I like the mysterious start, and the details the girl notices about her captivity. I think you skate over the fact that the dead faun queen visits her a bit too quickly. (Perhaps you don’t want to dwell on it till we see her shadow arrive later in the prologue.)

It’s intriguing why the needlework women hold Rowan in such disdain. The word ‘Appalled’ is a bit like the author telling. Perhaps you can show details that convey that feeling - you almost do already.

It’s a great detail that Rowan is absorbed by the taut skin over the missing finger. I wondered if there should be a few more lines when Rowan is going in and out of her visions, to mark that transition.

The description of the carved faun is lovely and the introduction of the wicked step-mother and creepy Tom is well done. The writing is very vivid as you describe the journey, the inn and the Watchers waiting in the yard. The dialogue is credible. I was wondering what age Rowan was at this point, if she was a child or in her teens. Nick and Venny seemed to think she could take care of herself, and Martha seems to be jealous of her.

It’s an excellent idea that the apparition comes when Rowan is threatened by Martha. Again I though the moments before and after the vision could be expanded – the ‘racing fire that surged up my spine’ seems to come with each vision. Since this is the earliest one we see, perhaps that feeling should be described in greater detail.

Overall it’s an excellent start. Highly starred. Hope to read more soon.
Best of luck with it,

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

The Mad Faun
By Holly Jones

Sorry for the delay

A very polished, imaginative Si-Fi Fantasy.
I loved the prologue (and I usually don’t like prologues)
Now I usually only have time for the first few chapters, but dam you, IM HOOKED!!!
I will not nit-pick at tiny things and I am going to save a more in-depth critique for when I have read more.
I love your imagination and please stay tuned for a longer critique.
JJ Marro

Holly,

WOW! This is a truly flawless MS; couldn’t fault it in anyway (and sorry for being no help in that regard). Truly outstanding prologue! I went on to read through chapter 3, and love the characters and ambience you’ve so gracefully built. I got a vivid picture of Rowan, along with a sharp aftertaste of Martha (who’s a conniving meanie). The story flows beautifully, with the plot building on the prologue’s unanswered questions as I read, and the Fauns act as a great hook for me at this point – in that I’m not sure where they fit in just yet. But it’s there in the background, hovering just out of my reach... along with Rowan’s Hindsight. For some reason I’ve always had Fauns down as ‘fun-loving’ peaceful creatures, but from what I’ve read you've taken a different slant, making them so much more, almost... fearful. Awesome work!

In summary: A very atmospheric fantasy novel; and I can only presume you’ve written before (and then I checked your profile, and now it all makes sense).

WL’d and an easy 6 stars from me.

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Hi Holly,

Thanks for your message. I've had a read at your book and would like to say a big 'well done' for the work you've put up here. I started with the pitch and it really did draw me in to read on - so you've got over the first hurdle of getting people interested. The book itself - good read and nothing to criticise on the characters, storyline and spelling/grammar either. Hope you do well with this!

Highly starred :-)

Lee
Elton: The Different Kookaburra

I finally got around to reading 'The Mad Faun' and am loving every minute of it. I'm a fan of fantasy and this is perfect. I will happily back you and rate well.

Lozzy, (Dream-Vistion Trilogy)

I prefer my fantast a little darker, but there's no doubt you have excellent writing skills.
Much better than a lot of the prose I've read so far around here.
Good luck!

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. First of all, I have to admit that I don't like first person books. With that said, you carry off the first person very well. A few times I even forgot that I was reading a first person book. I didn't see any mistakes in your writing, so I have nothing constructive to point out to you. The book has a lot of tension. I noticed it even in the subtle way that the main character talks and thinks. The idea is interesting. I love books where people can't remember stuff. That only adds to the drama. I'm late for an appt. and only read the first two chapters, but it's interesting enough to bring me back later. Good luck with it.

I've read the first two chapters, and I'm very impressed. I love the mysterious style of your writing and it is very polished. There's only one error I could pick up on:

Not the power to go back (need a comma here or an "and") unpick the failings...

Anyway, I'm going to be shelving this. Good luck!

S Carter

DOMUS INTER

Hi Holly,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
I like the short pitch, but what’s a faun?
See into the past? Her past or the past in general?
I love your pitches, but I wonder if you start to tell too much information. You might want to save some of it for the novel. I’m not sure. I go back and forth. It’s truly one of the better pitches I’ve read, and the concept is fantastic.
Oh and I like your cover.
Prologue
“The one thing that does…” Seem real, I assume. You never say what still seems real.
A common trap of first-person POV writing is using “I” as the subject of too many sentences. I think at times you get dangerously close to that. Just something to consider, and it might just be me.
Seems like a lot of over telling in this prologue.
OK moving on from the nitpicky stuff.
The writing is wonderful. You have a knack for building up tension and getting the reader interested in your MC. Exceptional imagery at times, and I can see why this is doing so well so soon. The pacing is a bit too laidback for my taste, I almost feel like, given the circumstances, the narrator should be a bit more frantic and less relaxed. Still, an excellent start. I expect to see this climb the ranks. Six stars from me. Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I’ve only read the prologue, but I am hooked. The premise is original. The writing is well-edited. The story is suspenseful, raising many questions. But it is Rowan’s voice that captivates me with its bewilderment and torment. I must read more! Awesome job.

MAD FAUN
This is an interesting story. You’ve created a very real fantasy world for your characters. The idea of a woman being locked up and not being able to remember why she is there, is intriguing. I like the way Rowan’s present life just folds away into the past. The situation makes her both likable and sympathetic. Put all of that together and I think you have a book here that will be very appealing the YA fantasy crowd. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Wow! I am quite picky with what to read when it comes to fantasy themed novels but this work is one of those that I really love to read and collect. I really love the characters! definitely on my bookshelf but hopefully not just on my virtual bookshelf but also the one in my room decked with other great novels!

Keep up the good work!!!

Your pitches got me hooked straight away. I was definitely intrigued. Your writing is superb, the pace is perfect and your characters are engaging. Excited to read more! Five stars from me. (:

Lisa

Great writing and good job setting up your story.
You've crafted some brilliant sentences.

I just wanted to suggest a few changes to your pitch. Take them or leave them!


“Raised in isolation on the Varland kingdom borders, Rowan discovers that she possesses the strange gift of Hindsight, which enables her to see into the past. But following the death of her father, she is hunted down by the notorious Queen’s Watchers and as her stepmother betrays her, Rowan must flee for her life.”
You need a comma before the last and, as it is a co-ordinating conjunction (it separates two independent clauses). I think the last sentence above might be better rephrased though.
“After the death of her father, she finds herself being hunted by the notorious ‘Queen’s Watchers’. When her stepmother betrays her, Rowan must flee to survive.”
I just think this is a bit smoother.


“Rowan now faces a fight against time. She must unravel a mystery that spans generations while evading the wrath of a vengeful queen. Only the lost memories of a mad faun hold the key to the kingdom’s survival. But to unlock them, Rowan must conquer his madness, and it proves to be the most dangerous battle of all.”

Great end to your pitch! Only thing I would change here is switching the last “it” to “this”. I’m not sure why, but I think it reads better.

I hope this is helpful. I think you've got a great story here, and I'm happy to back it.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

I read your prologue and first two chapters.

General comments: A riveting start. Rowan is a strong, dynamic central character. Effective world building. I'm there. Beautiful imagery. Vivid sense of place. Simmering tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) 'I am unable to lift my hands to feel for they are chained' hooked me.
2) ' ... and hold the key to the truth.' 'Hold' should be 'holds.'
3) 'I become agitated' is telling. Consider showing the onset of this agitation as realistically as possible.
4) 'The past is carved in stone' is cliche. Consider making the same point but in a fresher way. There is another use of the same cliche in this chapter.
5) ' ... and a heavy ruby ring studded.' Studded with what?
6) Superb end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... I picked it up.' Consider replacing 'it' with 'the carving' to make the phrase more clear and to solidify the imagery.
2) In the paragraph that begins 'Crumbs were strew across a table ...,' you use 'crumbs' in the first sentence and 'crumbled' in the third sentence. Consider using an alternative word for one of them.
3) ' ... and retreated from the dim warmth of kitchen.' Insert 'the' before 'kitchen.'
4) 'I will never understand why he took her on a housekeeper, let alone marry her.' 'A' should be 'as.'
5) 'I felt my stomach tighten.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the tightness in her stomach as vividly as possible so the reader will experience it aong with Rowan. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into the scene.
6) Another excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'I believe that is our business madame and not yours.' Put a comma before and after 'madame.' There is another case in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) 'I felt a jolt of fear.' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe how the fear jolted her so realistically the reader will feel it along with Rowan. Doing this pulls the reader much deeper into the scene. There is another use of 'felt' in this chapter.
3) ' ... along with the woman that I regret to learn is also dead.' 'That' should be 'who.'

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Take what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm sorry "Savannah Oak" edged out your brilliant story in the bracket game and expect to see Mad Faun in the top one hundred soon.

Have a marvelous day, Holly.

Al

Hi Holly,

I thought my comments might be of greatest value if I posted them here. Maximum stars awarded.

The Mad Faun is listed as Fiction Fantasy. This is a genre I would read by choice and I will freely admit I read the entire extract for pure pleasure. The world is well constructed and has some wonderful settings. I have also never read anything about a time weaver before. The time slip sequences were very well crafted and meshed brilliantly with the everyday world.

I can’t remember ever reading about a faun before; with the exception of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but that was a kiddy book, unlike this one. Dealing with a character suffering from almost total amnesia is also a huge challenge. Such a character could look bereft of personality, but he didn’t. He was very vibrant and also sympathetic, despite the possible dire nature of his existence. Particularly thrilling was the utter silence he could generate by just his presence in the forest. I am most intrigued by the flute he can hear and for which he is searching. Darn, I would have read all the chapters if they had been posted.

Morgan, the time weaver, is a strong character coming from a position of not knowing her heritage, so there is potential for immense growth. Now I am going to be tormented by the great prolog. That is another excellent thing about this book, as it has a prolog working just as one should. Not an easy task to accomplish.
Magic use is something needing set parameters for the reader and this scored in straight aces. Both the faun and the Morgan have their limitations, but also the possibility of growth.

Potential flaws. The pace was a tad on the leisurely side, which makes me suspect this book is going to be big. I also noticed an overuse of adverbs, something easy enough to rectify. Fine in dialog but needing to be pruned right down in narrative.

This book is so going on my WL with the intent to shelve.

i like fantasy, but i am choosy. the long pitch here draws me in as it is well written. really good character development. this is the darker side of snow white...with a bit of time travel...
j
what every woman should know

So, I read ch1 as a reader, the editors can do the editing!
Was I drawn into the story? Absolutely.
Did I enjoy it? Yes I did.
I think you've created a fascinating and unique character.
I wouldn't be a huge reader of the genre but I've read my share and I don't think I've encountered a story or character such as this. In that respect, and I'm open to correction, I think you have a really good USP.
IMO your writing is as good as any. Sharp, descriptive and very, very good at creating the mood and enviroment.
Will I be coming back for chapter 2? Most definitely.

All the best
Nick Cullen
Ghost Estate

Comments for the Mad Faun

I’ll just splurge out thoughts as I read.

Short pitch - Sounds good – slightly weird – intriguing weird.

Long Pitch – Well constructed. It tells me you can writes. You’re sitting on 23 watch lists but only 3 bookshelves. That really surprises me.

C1

‘ . . .but I am unable to lift my hands to feel for they are chained and I cannot reach higher than my waist.’ Reads a little awkward, ‘as they are chained, preventing me reaching higher than my waist,’ might be a solution.

I’d be weary of over-using ‘for’ as it sometimes interrupts the flow of your prose. ‘I know that I must be fed, for I do not starve,’ is a good example. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say here. ‘I know that I must be fed, otherwise I will starve (?)’ Serious question, do fantasy books need to be told in ye old kind of language. I don’t think so. I’ll think you’ll give it more energy speaking in a contemporary voice.

‘I dart a glance’ You can cut the dart here, for dart and glance are essentially conveying the same action.

In confidence,’ I add. I think you can drop the ‘I add.’

You’ve got a clean style, the short paragraphs flow quickly and are easy to read.

C2

Noticeable that the tense has changed. And this can only be deliberate. But wouldn’t a prologue normally be in the past tense? Just thinking aloud here. I’m looking for a reason why you’ve made this decision.

I think writing in the past tense suits your voice more.

The writing is very precise and assured in this chapter. I’m not a fan of ‘traditional’ fantasy stories, but your prose is pleasurable to read and a cut above much of the writing on this site. Your book deserves to be on more shelves. I’ll give you a bit of a spin and hopefully you’ll get a bit more attention.

Kinds Regards

Iso

Hi there,
I must say I am not a great fan of fantasy and the thought of this 'mad faun' from your pitch made me feel slightly uneasy. Having said that from the prologue, which is what I have read so far, I think you have the makings of a great fantastical story! I like the way you have written your opening sentences and your clear style of writing. One immediately has sympathy for the MC and her plight although I would have liked to have known a bit more about Rowan, just to create a picture in my mind of how old she is, a little more about what she looks like and how she came to be in this situation, just to create a bit more of a hook for the reader, but I have no doubt more will be revealed in the following chapters. You did change point of view in the prologue from Rowan to the young woman guarding her. Unless she has the power of reading people's minds she wouldn't know what the younger woman was thinking, would she?
Anyway, there's a lot to like here. I look forward to following your book's progress. Starred for now with a place on my WL soon.
All the best with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

I like this story. I like the playfulness of it and the way your characters come across. Good voice, clear and well defined story and settings. I don't normally read huge amounts of fantasy but I'm enjoying reading this one. Shelved as soon as I can, best of luck Holly.

Jack

Hi Holly
I like this a lot. Tightly written with a unique style and voice - and no clunky sections slowing down the pace. I am already on board with Rowan and can see she will be an interesting protagonist to follow on this journey. Loved the line about "...habit of making a steeple with his spidery fingers" nice. Dialogue is believable too which for me is key. Also the whole Faun hook, in a market of fantasy stuff I reckon that's a fairly unique creature to focus on and that's a real strength also. I cant really fault what Ive read or critique beyond very minor grammaticals - but a final edit will pick that up anyway. Not often I say this but 6 stars and backed.
Derek
The angel chord

G'day! Holly Jones,

I just had to congratulate you on becoming one of the front runners of the week.

Getting that far so early must be real encouragement for you - and something to build on.

I'm sure all of us that have read your book will follow your progress with great interest.

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia for nearly 50 years.
I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
And to see all the books, try this one too:
http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

Oooh, this is really good! It's got a great tone to it, and drew me right in. I've only just read the first chapter, but will gladly read more as I get the chance. I've taken a look at a bit of fantasy on the site, and this definitely ranks high!

I did catch some errata, and argued with word choice here in there. Please do with them as you will, and do return the favor:
I suspect that what it reveals is more important than my own life (cut the comma) and hold(insert: s) the key to the truth. But I am afraid to learn why (insert: comma) and with each vision (cut: comma) it is becoming harder to deny my memories.

...not the power to go back (insert: and) unpick the failings of her own flawed judgement.

He has a habit of making a steeple with his long fingers and staring (cut: at me) over them until I drop my eyes in submission. Both men wear grey robes and (cut: a heavy ruby ring studded) (add: heavy ruby-studded rings.)

Sometimes (cut: comma) their questions elicit (cut: answering) responses...

sitting in avid silence [the word avid threw me here. It just didn't seem like the right word!]

I was going to say I thought you meant torturous instead of tortuous, but the dictionary tells me that is a word after all!

The grizzled man is silent. (maybe cut: Then) he releases my wrist...

[And I couldn't decide about the phrase: that I cannot prevent flying. Maybe its just fine. I was thinking "destined for flight.]

That's all my impudent nitpicking. I hope it helps. Ignore anything I said that you want to, and check out the Lost Wink when you get a chance. If you want more along these lines let me know. If you don't, let me know!

Cheers,
Tod