Book Jacket

 

rank 2576
word count 12064
date submitted 18.02.2012
date updated 15.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Children's, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Camp Smeat

Bess Vanrenen

When four girls are accepted to a prestigious summer camp, they quickly realize that one of the teachers is hiding something … in their food.

 

Every single day in every single meal, Srirupa, Teresa, Margaret, and Caroline are served some variation of Smeat—a processed conglomeration of meat byproducts, in a can. The Smeat was donated by Mrs. Todd, the CEO of Smeat, Inc., and also the camp’s most popular teacher. Not only does Mrs. Todd refrain from eating Smeat, but the girls soon start to see a dark side of the hyper-perfect teacher. Srirupa, Teresa, and Margaret become convinced that something is amiss. But Caroline, in her quest for success, will do anything to get on Mrs. Todd’s good side, even if it means abandoning her friends and ignoring the frightening truth about Smeat.

"Camp Smeat" may best be described as a Soylent Green meets Nancy Drew mystery and was also influenced by The Baby-sitter's Club, Hoot, and Holes.

The cover was designed by Benjamin, who blogs at benmojo.blogspot.com.

 
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tags

adventure, big business, camp, fiction, friendship, growing up, middle-grade, mystery

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Chapters

6

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Chapter 6: Teresa

“Hey, Srirupa,” Teresa said, motioning out the window. “Check this out.”

She and Srirupa were in Srirupa’s dorm room and spread out on the floor surrounded by their Biology notes. The teachers had loosened up the rules about staying in their own rooms after Goodnight Circle. Srirupa’s neat handwriting filled sheets and sheets, while Teresa’s own scribbles were large and messy and her pages were covered in doodles.

Earlier that day, Teresa had gotten really flustered in Biology. She didn’t know what was she thinking when she’d signed up for classes here. She’d only taken the basic science and math classes at Middleton Middle. Srirupa must have noticed her drowning and felt bad because she offered to help her study.

After an hour and a half of the cells, chromosomes, and genotypes, Teresa needed a break and got up to stretch when out the window she noticed a girl—it was Caroline—slipping into the trees.

Srirupa approached the window and sighed, a hand on her hip. “She must be going off to meet those guys,” Srirupa said. She frowned. “It’s really stupid of her to go alone.”

Teresa turned to Srirupa. “Where’s Margaret anyway?”

But Srirupa didn’t answer. She was watching Caroline disappear into the forest. Sriurpa’s expression was hard to read—it was a mix of sad and angry and spiteful.

Stepping away from the screen, Srirupa said, “Speaking of kissing someone you shouldn’t, guess what I saw?”

“What?” Teresa prodded, intrigued now.

“Do you promise, absolutely swear, and all the rest, to keep it a secret?”

“Yes, yes, yes. Now tell me!” Teresa exclaimed.

“I saw Mrs. Todd,” Srirupa raised her eyebrows, “making out with Mr. Taylor.”

“Oh my Gawd! No way!” Teresa exclaimed. 

“Yes!”

Teresa shook her head. “There is definitely somethin’ up with that lady.”

“What do you mean?” asked Srirupa.

“Well,” Teresa began, taking a seat on a nearby bed, “when I was checkin’ out the classrooms the first day, I accidentally ended up in her office. The computer was on, and I saw this e-mail. I know that’s bad, but it was seriously right there staring at me. I still remember it. It said, ‘Smeat is safe and healthy, and I need those documents to say that.’ Isn’t that, like, totally strange?”

“Oh my Gosh,” said Srirupa, as she sat next to Teresa. “That’s so weird, because I heard her saying something like that to Mr. Taylor. She said, ‘It’s almost gone. This is almost over.’”

“Seriously?”

The two girls just stared at each other. Teresa could feel the hairs on her arms standing up.

Teresa, her mind racing, added, “You know, I also think it’s totally weird how they serve Smeat with every meal, I mean, every meal. She must have donated hundreds of cases to the camp. And she never eats with us. For all we know she never eats the stuff at all.”

With a funny look in her eyes, like dots were connecting in her brain or something, Srirupa asked, “You know who else doesn’t eat with us?”

“Who? One of the other teachers?”

“Not a teacher,” Srirupa replied. “Aspen.”

“Holy cannolis, you’re right,” Teresa exclaimed, jumping off the mattress. “I just figured she was mad at me and didn’t want to eat at our table anymore. But I haven’t seen her in the dining hall in at least a week.”

Teresa and Srirupa stared at each other without saying anything.

“There’s something wrong with the Smeat we’ve been eating!” Srirupa cried out.

“That’s exactly what I was thinkin’!”

Srirupa pulled out a notebook and suggested that they write down all the weird things they’d noticed.

Mrs. Todd making out with Mr. Taylor

Mrs. Todd’s strange e-mail—“Smeat is safe and healthy.”

Mrs. Todd telling Mr. Taylor, “It’s almost gone. This is almost over.”

Mrs. Todd donated hundreds of cases of Smeat to the camp.

Mrs. Todd donated thousands of cases of Smeat to African villages.

Mrs. Todd doesn’t eat with them.

Aspen doesn’t eat with them.

Teresa and Srirupa poured over their notes, trying to make sense of it. It felt like all these clues were puzzle pieces floating around in Teresa’s head. She imagined trying to fit them together. Some of the pieces stuck and some didn’t.

And then, suddenly, they all fit together. Teresa said, “Mrs. Todd and Mr. Taylor are an item. They found out that there was something wrong with some of their Smeat. So they donated some of it to Africa to get rid of it. Then they donated some of it to the camp. And Mrs. Todd is trying to get someone to help her cover it up.”

“That makes sense,” Srirupa said, looking from the notebook to Teresa. “But why wouldn’t they just throw it away?”

Teresa squinted. “I don’t know. Maybe it was, like, an entire batch. Mr. Taylor said they could make something like 2000 pounds in a week. They could have had a whole warehouse full of the stuff.”

“And maybe she wanted to get some good PR out of it,” Srirupa added.

Suddenly Teresa felt like she’d swallowed a giant bug. She felt like throwing up. “And we’ve been eatin’ it all day, every day.”

 

Silently, Teresa and Srirupa approached the back entrance of the cafeteria. Luckily, no one else was around. When they got there, Teresa pushed ahead. “You do it like this,” she said quietly, while wiggling a window in the back of the dining hall. “See, if you jiggle it enough, it just opens. And then you can, like, stick your arm through and unlock the door.”

After recovering from the initial shock over Smeat, Srirupa had decided they needed a sample of the Smeat in question. If they were real detectives, Srirupa argued, they’d collect it for evidence. Then Teresa shrugged her shoulders and said, “So we’ll sneak into the kitchen.” She and her roommates—motivated by ice cream sandwiches—had found a way to sneak in on, like, Day Two.

“You’ve been doing this the whole time?” asked Srirupa.

“Yeah, I thought everyone did,” Teresa replied.

Soon the handle clicked and the door inched open. The room was filled with metal shelves and cardboard boxes of different sizes. As soon as they were inside, Srirupa was all business. “Okay, look for boxes with ‘Smeat’ written on them,” she instructed. “There must be tons of it.”

They split up to scan the room, Teresa taking the left wall and Srirupa the right.

“Over here!” cried Teresa. “These ones say ‘Smeat Lite.’”

Srirupa ran over to Teresa’s side. “Smeat Lite,” she read. “So this must be the stuff they messed up.”

“My Gosh,” said Teresa, giving Srirupa a wry glance out of the corner of her eye. “They’re poisoning us, and they’ve got us on a diet.”

Srirupa rolled her eyes at Teresa’s little joke while digging her hands into the nearest open carton.

“Here,” Srirupa said, “let’s just take a couple cans, one for each of us to keep. It could turn out to be evidence.”

“Sure, good idea,” Teresa agreed, taking the can Srirupa had handed her and stuffing it in her sweatshirt pocket.

Srirupa turned to leave, but Teresa headed over to an industrial-size freezer, stopping Srirupa in her tracks.

“Wait, hold on a sec. I gotta do one more thing,” Teresa said.

“What is it? What are you doing?” Srirupa asked. “We have to get out of here.”

Teresa opened the door of the freezer. She reached in, carefully moving items around. Her face brightened and she withdrew her hand. “Getting an ice cream sandwich. Want one?”

Srirupa shook her head and sighed. “Let’s go.”

But as Teresa closed the window and locked the door from the inside, her smile faded.

“So, do we tell everyone?” she asked, as she shut the heavy door.

“Definitely,” Srirupa responded, without missing a beat. “We don’t know what’s wrong with it yet, but we know something is. We can’t let everyone keep eating it, not knowing what we do.”

As Teresa handed Srirupa a frozen treat and peeled back the wrapper of her own, she considered that. “Well, Srirupa, like you said, we don’t even know what’s wrong with it. Do we really wanna spill the beans before we get a chance to, like, pull a Scooby Doo on Mrs. Todd?”

Biting on the edge of her nail, Srirupa reluctantly agreed to keep quiet for a little longer. But both girls knew they needed to figure out what was wrong with the Smeat Lite, and fast.

 

Chapters

6

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L_MC wrote 429 days ago

On the face of it a typical American summer camp story, but there is a gentle hint of something darker running through it. Just what is in the horrible sounding Smeat? I notice that Srirupa is, so far, the one most unhappy in camp and the one who can't be persuaded that Smeat is okay, whilst Caroline who is now very happy to eat it is excelling and loving the camp - coincidence or clue?

I like the pattern of switching POV to a different girl in a new chapter, it's cleanly done, you don't use it to retell the same event from a different viewpoint but do move the plot along with it, each girl showing a different side of the camp and teachers.

scargirl wrote 420 days ago

slightly dark, a bit gross, moving at a good speed...youth should enjoy this read. you have created something of interest here. not my genre, but i enjoy any good writing...
j
what every woman should know

Neville wrote 392 days ago

Camp Smeat.
By Bess Vanrenen.

I can say that I enjoyed the first chapter.
It has a sense of adventure about it as the bus makes the journey to Cam Piedmont.
You capture the world of the teenager as we listen to the banter between Teresa, Srirupa and Aspen as they make fun of the rather stern teacher, Mrs Todd, behind her back of course.
There’s a certain amount of joviality here which would be expected on a bus trip to a camp such as this. It lightens the story somewhat and gives the reader a chance to settle down to the main story.
I felt that I was there, in the food hall as they eagerly collected their meal, all pretty hungry by this time. Then came the smell of the ‘Smeat’—I’m afraid it put me off, as it did the others.
You have some very good description throughout the book, excellent detail that brings the book alive.
It’s a bit late now for Teresa to find out that Aspen is Mrs Todd’s daughter, the damage is done, and it certainly won’t help things by reading personal emails on Mrs Todd’s PC.
There’s a lot more to this book and I will read on later, there’s something very dodgy about this ‘Smeat’ and the company that produces it—great storyline,Bess!!
The book cover says it all...Brilliant.
Well done...many stars!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Seringapatam wrote 144 days ago

Not my cup of tea, but very interesting. I can see a market for this and some of the younger readers may love this. Its well told and flows so well. Recommended.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Maevesleibhin wrote 329 days ago

Bess,
I have read everything you posted. 
This is a nice YA detective story , well written and entertaining.  I am not a huge YA reader, although Authonomy is exposing me to more. 
I cannot fault this book in its genre, but it does leave me wanting.  It lets itself be read and is perfectly entertaining. But it does not tickle my imagination as much as I hoped it would. I did find the whole idea that the food they were eating was tainted a bit of a turnoff, and the sordidness of Miss Todd's actions a bit off putting. But the point of the book is the relationship between Caroline, Teresa and Srirupa, and that is well developed. While it is not a book that tickles my imagination, it is a fun read. 
Hook and plot- It is a classic hook, the bus trip heading off to camp. I think it hooks well, setting a good ambiance. Frankly, a lot of the hook for me came from the title and the knowledge something was wrong with the Smeat. The plot develops the relationship between the girls, the gathering of clues, and the interest in the boys quite well. 
Character development- I am not quite sure what to say. There is something a little bit challenging about developing teenagers- they are so self involved. In any event, I felt that these characters, while believable, Could have used a bit more development. I would like to know a bit more than whether they like Miss Todd or are good at school. I think a bit more CD would improve the story. 
Ambiance- Again, this is a book that, for me,  does not err, but does not inspire my imagination either. The camp, the environs, the classrooms, the dining hall, the Smeat factory, are are well described. It is just all a little bit flat. This is not a big deal, as your ambiance does not make any pretense of being exotic. Nevertheless, focusing on a bit more detail at least on some of these different aspects, might make a reader like me  a little bit more interested.
Writing. I found it very well written and appropriate for the target age group.  I was just a wee put off by the change in POV. I felt just a bit adrift, particularly when you leave Srirupa to follow the other two girls in their meeting up with the boys. But that is neither here nor there. 
I only wrote down one typo, but not where it was - sorry
And you know what,” Srirupa continue 
should be continued. 
So, all in all, this is a fine YA title. But, at least in the posting, it leaves this reader wanting a bit. Perhaps as the mystery unfolds in the sections not included in this posting this issue would be remedied. As it is, this book certainly lets itself be read, but is not terribly exciting.  I humbly suggest shaking up the plot a bit at the beginning (more than the innuendo dropped) to grab my imagination a bit more. On the other hand, the fact that everyone is eating this stuff affects my sensibilities a bit. Maybe if the girls were vegetarians (you could certainly justify that, particularly with Sri's Indian background) they could remain unblemished by their discoveries, however gross they turn out to be. 
Best of luck with it,
Maeve
 

Lucy Middlemass wrote 333 days ago

This is a CHIRG review

Camp Smeat

I’ve read your first three chapters. Telling the story from the point of view of different girls is interesting. I like that about it. Their friendships seem realistic - certainly the pact not to eat Smeat seems like the sort of thing young teenage girls would embark on together. The description of the Smeat is suitably disgusting as well.

I’ve added some close crit, with the intention of being helpful. I think because I’m in the UK, some of my thoughts won’t be what you’re looking for.

Ch 1
Was the scholarship to get into Middleton Middle School or to get into the camp? I wasn’t quite sure.
“plopped down” is used twice in the first chapter, which I think is once too many.
This is a bit of a fussy point, but the girls’ names are pretty old-fashioned, especially Irene and Margaret, but the pop culture references make it clear we’re in modern times. Aren’t US girls called things like Mallory and Madison these days?

Ch 2
Caroline can identify the meat - it’s Smeat.
“would pair up” I know what this means, but you can’t really pair up with more than one person. As soon as there’s a third, it stops being a pair.
“Caroline couldn’t help but wonder what her mother would think of her.” Whose mother? Caroline’s or Margaret’s?
“He had a lean frame for a guy..” This makes it sound as though boys are usually fat. Aren’t young boys normally a scrawny bunch?
I’m not certain how old these kids are (I don’t know about grades) but I guess about thirteen? Caroline seems a bit young for her parents to have set her up with someone. Maybe they’re older.

Ch 3
“barely had time to breath.” Should be “breathe”. Just a typo.
“as clear as a piano note in an empty room.” This is lovely!
Why the Mc in McMuffins? McMuffin is a trademark for McMcDonalds. I doubt Smeat would be able to use it.
“I guess didn’t hear me coming.” Has a word missing, probably “they”.
“the only friend she had there.” Maybe “here”?

I’ve enjoyed this, highly starred.

Lucy

panos wrote 371 days ago

A good read.

Panos

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 385 days ago

Bess,
What a premise, girls at camp compelled to eat a processed meat substance that's unidentifiable. Your characters are both realistic and sympathetic for the most part, their differences driving up the interest level of the story as tobasco would bland food. "Camp Smeat" with its conversational narrative and realistic dialogue makes the stoiry easy to follow and digest. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

sdicello wrote 386 days ago

This is a really cute book. I can see my kids reading this. It really does have the same voice as the Babysitters Club books, which I still have.

There is one little word change in the first chapter. You say Srirupa turned and in the sentence immediately after you say Theresa turned. I'd just choose a different word go Theresa.

So far, this is really cute and flows nicely.

Sarah (Falling Again)

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 386 days ago

Bess, this is such fun! I am so glad you called my attention to your book. The style is wonderful right from the start -- I loved that Caroline “had an accent and everything” and also, I really liked Theresa’s determination to reinvent herself. What a girl!

I have a few nit-type notes: “sports’ games” is a little weird. How about just sports? Or sports and games. When Theresa smells the Smeat, she doesn’t "recognize" it; she *realizes* that it's Smeat. Love this: A humungous mound of Smeat! Great voice. I feel like I’m sitting with a bunch of cute, silly, feisty girls. Fun to read!

Pretendin’ and jokin’ verge on writing dialect, which is not so good. I think it would be better to rely on your words to maintain your voice, and not mess with spelling like that. Just my opinion! Ditto for “ya”-- although I think “Kinda” and "gonna" are okay.

You've got some great, spooky tension going at the end of the chapter. Your character (like Nancy Drew!) is a girl of action! And she's wonderfully likeable, not at all a goody-goody, but refreshingly unafraid to be herself. You are off to a great start with this book so far. I look forward to reading on.

Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man)

jlbwye wrote 389 days ago

Camp Smeat. Your pitches promise an entertaining read. The genre isnt my usual one, but this site helps to broaden the mind, and we were all children once.

Ch.1. I am immediately transported into the lively jargon-filled world of Teresa and her friends. (By the way, rather a large number of paragraphs start with her name - easily remedied).
You are very authentically in her head, and we're given detailed descriptions of her companions, through her eyes. You're an accomplished writer.
Just a teeny nit - how had Teresa 'recognised' it as Smeat by the strange tangy scent, when she'd not come across it before?
The picture of the pretend gagging over the Smeat is absolutely typical, and well drawn.
And the beginnings of a mystery emerge.

Ch.2. You continue to engage this reader's interest through the activities of the Business group, and the eyes of Caroline this time.
You sure know how to hook a reader on.

Ch.3. Srirupa's view point now, and the plot is further developed.

This seems to be an ideal story for your target readership, written with pace and assurance. I'm sure you'd have found a publisher by now, if that world wasnt so much in a state of flux.

Multi-starred, and best of luck with it, and thankyou again for your support of mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Neville wrote 392 days ago

Camp Smeat.
By Bess Vanrenen.

I can say that I enjoyed the first chapter.
It has a sense of adventure about it as the bus makes the journey to Cam Piedmont.
You capture the world of the teenager as we listen to the banter between Teresa, Srirupa and Aspen as they make fun of the rather stern teacher, Mrs Todd, behind her back of course.
There’s a certain amount of joviality here which would be expected on a bus trip to a camp such as this. It lightens the story somewhat and gives the reader a chance to settle down to the main story.
I felt that I was there, in the food hall as they eagerly collected their meal, all pretty hungry by this time. Then came the smell of the ‘Smeat’—I’m afraid it put me off, as it did the others.
You have some very good description throughout the book, excellent detail that brings the book alive.
It’s a bit late now for Teresa to find out that Aspen is Mrs Todd’s daughter, the damage is done, and it certainly won’t help things by reading personal emails on Mrs Todd’s PC.
There’s a lot more to this book and I will read on later, there’s something very dodgy about this ‘Smeat’ and the company that produces it—great storyline,Bess!!
The book cover says it all...Brilliant.
Well done...many stars!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Sharda D wrote 393 days ago

Hi Bess,
this is wonderful writing, with a really authentic narrative voice. The premise to the story is brilliant. Sounds like a mad mixture of Nancy Drew and Roald Dahl - perfect!
The plot moves along swiftly, the dialogue is believable and has a lovely jokey quality about it, very accurate for girls of this age. There's a good balance between action, dialogue and description.
Highly starred by me.
All the best,
Sharda.
I think we were doing a reading swap, so take a look at mine when you have a moment. No pressure!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Maria Briere wrote 403 days ago

Bess, I really enjoyed your first chapter. I can certainly see young adults getting hooked on your book. I have added it to my shelf, and will certainly continue reading.
Best of luck with it!

fayha wrote 403 days ago

I have read two chapters and I really enjoyed it. The language you used is very appropriate for the target audience. Your writing flows well making it easy to stay focused on the story. You have created an interesting plot and some really intersting characters. On my watchlist. Highly starred.

Mindy Haig wrote 412 days ago

Hi Bess,
I came for my chapter swap and I read through your first three chapters. I think it is well written and engaging, I like the mystery, my only nitpick is that I think the characters might be too young. Girls at the end of 6th grade are 12 or going on 12. My own daughter just turned 15 three days ago, and in sixth grade she did not (still does not) wear make-up, nor care whether others did. Also, Caroline had a boyfriend back home whom her parents doted on - again, I think too young. And even this level of competition seems a stretch for the age presented. If you were talking about gilrs just leaving the eight grade, preparing to begin High School, these small issues become more common place. I personally was not introduced to this sort of competitive camp situation until I was a sophomore in High School.
Still, the story is interesting and draws the reader in.
It is only my opinion.
Thanks!
Best of luck!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

scargirl wrote 420 days ago

slightly dark, a bit gross, moving at a good speed...youth should enjoy this read. you have created something of interest here. not my genre, but i enjoy any good writing...
j
what every woman should know

KathyJohn wrote 422 days ago

Fun, fast moving, with a sense of mystery and something very gross(smeat). Kids love gross. Some editing to be done. For example you mention that a small forest bordered the road with streams and ponds.....how does she know there are streams and ponds in a forest. Kind of hard to see inside the forest. WL'd

Tod Schneider wrote 426 days ago

Hi Bess,
Just finished the five chapters posted. Nicely done! I think you’ve got a good solid start here, and am curious as to where it’s going. You seem to have a great handle on the age group you’re writing for and their interests, and the characters are relatable. Critique-wise, the main thing that caught my OCD eye was that a lot of words just mysteriously disappeared in the text, which should be a snap to fix and I’ll list those that I caught.
The email discovered in chapter one suggested something sinister, but the content was so mild that I had trouble seeing what was sinister about it. That was too bad because it felt like it should be the hook that inspired me to keep reading. I wanted something a little creepier or more enticing. Of course, without knowing how this ends, I’ve no idea what that could be!
The other general thing I noticed was that I had trouble keeping clear pictures of the girls separate. I would have benefited from more reminders and description within each chapter regarding their distinct looks, interests and subplots. This also could be a symptom of my lame memory…
Other than those points I think you’ve got a good story unfolding that should resonate with young girls (probably way better targeting than I’ve done with my writing!)
So, here’s my list of easily repaired errata, by chapter:
1/
Best summer camp (cut: in)(add:on) the east coast
Teresa walked into the cafeteria, her whole body (cut: was) buzzing with energy
Teresa perched (cut: in) (add: on) one of the desks
[I’d reconsider the phrase “couldn’t help wondering what was on it” and just say “found herself wondering what was on it”. The first suggests powerlessness, while the second has her making a choice]
She crept over (add: to) the desk to see.
Eyes were (cut: immediately, since she already looked at who it was addressed to, hence it wasn’t immediate) drawn to a few bolded statements.
2/
[I really liked the phrase “managed to stay smeat-free”. Funny!]
Caroline knew Srirupa would be (replace: gutted)(I just had trouble with that description. It stopped me while I wrestled with it. Maybe feel queasy about it, or be distressed. Don’t know!) if she broke the pact.
(cut: school)(add: camp)-wide activities [I got confused a little about whether they were at a camp or a school, or a summer-academy, or what to call it]
Pouring through the part of (add: the) woods nearest the camp buildings
A lot of someone(cut: ‘)s
Baseball-capped heads (cut: peaking)(add: peeking) up
3/
I guess (add: they) didn’t hear me coming.
Mrs.Todd asked everyone to return to their desks so the team leaders (add: could)(cut: to) explain their marketing
While Srirupa nervously (cut: watched)(add: looked) on
4/
It was (add: a) pretty, twinkling sound
Margaret(add: ‘s) stomach twisted
What about you Margaret?” ask(add: ed) Rob
What do you mean, ‘not really’(add: ?) Rob pressed.
5/
[you refer to pink matter that were stained an unnatural color red. That sounds like two different colors. Maybe you want to say something like the meat had clearly been soaked in some kind of weird red dye. It was leaching out the edges in slimy pink rivulets, dripping down the sides of the bun]
It (add: seemed) like all the people who were supposed to work in the factory had mysteriously disappeared.
Sriripa caught (cut: site)(add: sight)
Hands (cut: started to feel)(add: felt) hot
Then Teresa wiped the sad expression (cut: wiped) from her face

JKass wrote 427 days ago

The world of a Summer Camp is easily grabbed onto by most, great place to set the story. I ID with Theresa, thats for sure, even though I'm a guy. Shes a great MC. Chapter one was incredibly well done, it sucked me in and did a great job of explaining the setting and plot. On my W/L for further reading!

-Joe,
The Hooligans Of Kandahar

Sharon.v.o. wrote 428 days ago

Bess,

With the arrival of the Hunger Games there has been quite a buzz about how young girls love to read stories about other young girls that don’t involve their parents. Your’s is a wonderful story about just such a group of girls in a summer camp.

I have read all 5 chapters and though this is a bit younger than I normally read, I enjoyed it.

You mentioned that this was a cross between Soylent Green and Nancy Drew. I know about Soylent Green so I am curious to discover what is in the smeat. As the green was human remains I wonder what is in the smeat, past campers?

Your characters are well drawn, each having their own voice and motivation. The atmosphere is good. You do have some editing issues, but I don’t tend to read for grammar or punctuation, and I’ll not harp on it here. But just to give you an idea your second sentence could be smoothed out. If you re-word it you won’t need the comma.

Overall, nicely done and I wish you the very best with it.

Sharon

Shadow The Writer wrote 428 days ago

Your book good

richard thurston wrote 428 days ago

Well written and well paced.I feel this will certainly appeal to your target audience. You certainly capture the ambience and atmosphere of a summer camp with all it's associated expectations for the participants. Teresa is certainly an ideal character to introduce us into the camp.

Richard

L_MC wrote 429 days ago

On the face of it a typical American summer camp story, but there is a gentle hint of something darker running through it. Just what is in the horrible sounding Smeat? I notice that Srirupa is, so far, the one most unhappy in camp and the one who can't be persuaded that Smeat is okay, whilst Caroline who is now very happy to eat it is excelling and loving the camp - coincidence or clue?

I like the pattern of switching POV to a different girl in a new chapter, it's cleanly done, you don't use it to retell the same event from a different viewpoint but do move the plot along with it, each girl showing a different side of the camp and teachers.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 431 days ago

CAMP SMEAT
This is a good schoolage story on a universal topic: summer camp. Theresa is a good main character; I like the way she’s just been dumped by her BFF. Makes her sympathetic. I haven’t been a schoolager for a long time, tho, so was surprised she wore makeup. The turkey Smeat is great; I remember being served Spam at summer camp (my first taste ever) and discovering while all the campers around me were making faces at it, realizing I enjoyed the stuff. I think because all of us have good and bad memories of camp, you’re going to find a waiting audience for this. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

brerandall wrote 435 days ago

Bess,
Love, love, love your story you've got going on here. I read through chapter three and I'm hooked. A few really minor things I notice:
Ch. 1 What do you kids think instead of what you kids think?
And I'm not sure middle school kids will get the Gone With the Wind reference but I loved it. (:
Ch. 3 She barely had time to breathe (instead of breath)
Other than those things you've got a pretty spotless MS so far and the story is very intriguing and original. Your characters are great and really draw you in! Keep up the great work and can't wait to read more!

Bre
Memoria

earthlover wrote 438 days ago

Okay, I just finished all five chapters you have posted. I like how you give the reader so much information in the first paragraph, but you do it naturally and with ease. The whole premise of the story is an interesting one. There's mystery, (why is Mrs. Todd trying to get rid of all that smeat?), romance, and conflict between once good friends. Srirupa and Caroline's relationship and how Margaret inadvertantly gets between them, perfect storyline for middle school! I hope Caroline isn't just using Margaret.
The writing is simple and clear. The story is great! Highly starred!
Good luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Dianna Lanser wrote 439 days ago

Bess,

First of all, your short pitch is perfectly catchy. I love it. And then your opening paragraph is just as captivating. Right away you set the tone and the pace - this is going to be pure entertainment for the “cool” middle school set. Really, who doesn’t love camp… and a mystery?

“She was on her way to the most Awesome camp on the East Coast, maybe in America, and therefore the world.” This sentence reads as if the East Coast might be in America. If you change the “on” to “in” it will read with the intent you had. “… the most Awesome camp in the East Coast, maybe in America…”

Although you introduce a lot of characters in the beginning, each has their own unique features and qualities that stick in the reader’s mind. They are easy to decipher from one another. Good job!

The dialogue between friends is realistic and entertaining while at the same time giving the reader clues into the inner makings of each individual character.

By the end of chapter one, we have a good picture of the setting and the problem. I will turn the page…

In chapter two -

This sentence reads a little funny. “The aim was to find twenty-two different objects, which could be anywhere from the field…” It sounds like the field could be one of the objects. How about, “The aim was to locate twenty-two different objects. They could search anywhere from the field to… “ or something like that.

I liked the use of the English term “trainers.” It made Caroline seem more English and by the end of the chapter we know she is much more mature that her compatriots.

Adding boys to the mix is a very good ploy to keep the YA girl reading…

Chapter three - I see what you are doing and I like it - moving the story along through the eyes of a different character every chapter. This time the reader gets to know Srirupa and the plot thickens.

I am really impressed with what I have read. You are putting together an intriguing and believable YA novel that offers a better alternative to electronic entertainment. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

iandsmith wrote 440 days ago

Well done, I was attracted to this because it’s a great idea. I once went to a factory where Spillers made dog food, AND a mechanically extracted by-product which they tinned and sold for human consumption in poor countries. So I’m a veggie, and this book looks great. I like your style. Nice and easy going.

A YA novel has just been selected by HC for the One to Watch, ‘Stones’ by P Johnson. I knew it quite well, but I never realized it was YA because the MC was independent and aloof. It didn’t scream YA.

“her mom’s”, “cool thing”, ”sixth grade”, “most awesome” shouts out Hey, kids, I’m a YA novel. If those bits went, Teresa does look independent, confident and aloof in a warm way like a young adult.

Being English, I was intrigued by the, “and everything”. I can go with funny accent, but what else? There isn’t any dialogue at this point, and it would be fun if we ‘heard’ Caroline’s “funny accent” in a bit of dialogue. No need to do any pirate speak to get the Englishness across, but it would be fun. So I scrolled down to the dining hall to find Caroline speaking, and I was amazed and pleased to find her voice is brilliantly English. Perfect.

“Well, Aspen didn’t seem to think so,” said Caroline.

Caroline is sarky, cold, unemotional and terribly English. I like her. I’d like more dialogue with Caroline who I guess is going to be a bit of a monosyllabic sulk.

Teresa, on the other hand, cannot be distinguished from Srirupa.

Teresa: “That’s yucky.”

Srirupa: “Yeah, Ewww!”

Hm. Caroline does actually appear more mature and likeable than those two, and from the moment Teresa “skipped” into the dining hall, I wanted her to grow up. A more mature Teresa would work better, so you’d have a great contrast between the three young women: cold sulky Caroline, madcap teen, Srirupa (great name BTW), and Teresa rising above it all.

YA is difficult because there aren’t many YAs on authonomy to try it out on, so it has to work like Toy Story on two levels, YA and adult. Anyway, very nice start and a cracking idea. I’m dying to know what happens to Mrs Smeat. Brilliant. Good luck. I’ll be keeping an eye on this.

melisamct wrote 449 days ago

Great premise for a children's / YA book! Prologue has me intrigued - excited to read more.

JMF wrote 454 days ago

Hi there
Thought I'd take a look at your book. I was attracted to reading it when I read your pitch. I thought it sounded like an exciting adventure story, just the kind of story I like, although being British I am not really familiar with the idea of summer camps.
I was a bit perplexed by your prologue, not that there is anything wrong with having something like that at the start, but because there were quite a large number of characters in it. It meant that it was a little confusing. The first chapter is good at setting the scene for the piece and for sowing some seeds in terms of what is to come. What is in this Smeat? What is the email about? Great stuff.
What is BBF? Excuse my ignorance! I am sure the age group you are aiming at would understand. Presumably something to do with best friend?
This promises to be a good, gripping adventure story. I shall place it on my WL with stars!
Julia
Shadow Jumper (a gripping adventure story!)

ClaireLyman wrote 454 days ago

This is exactly the kind of story I would have picked up and read when I was the age of your target audience. Summer camp was something I could relate to, and you have just the right amount of mystery and intrigue, and also, from the pitch at least, intriguing friendship dynamics.The perfect recipe!
I wonder why you started with a prologue? If there's essential information here, could you weave it in elsewhere? Also, there is quite a lot of information, and quite a few charactershere, and it may be a bit too much to take in before we are properly into the book?
The beginning of chapter 1 is great (and would make a fine beginnning) - establishes the voice and the coolness of what Teresa thinks she is going to experience. "...of America, and therefore the world." Loved that. I'm not suer if I'd introduce Brianna yet, since she's not one of the main characters - I see why you need it for backstory, but maybe you could be vaguer "Teresa was starting over, starting now. Her own BFF hadn't spoken to her since Teresa had gotten the part..." Something like that.
Anyway - feel free to ignore any of that unless it's helpful! I think this has the makings of a good story and I'll be watching its progress on Authonomy with interest.

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