Book Jacket

 

rank 287
word count 44056
date submitted 22.02.2012
date updated 19.06.2013
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction
classification: universal
complete

Dandruff Hits The Turtleneck

John Mayfield

An amateur entomologist takes over a backwater public house and is trusted with a secret that must go no further.

 

From the moment pub landlord and keen amateur entomologist, Arnold Matson, arrives in Blinkington-on-the-Treacle to take over his new hostelry, we are led through a colourful collection of vignettes and poignant flashbacks that are both comically funny and disturbingly familiar, as well as a bolt from the blue confession which tests Matson’s resolve and discretion to the limit. Following the loss of his fiancée several years earlier, Arnold Matson’s mind set can be described as confused and fragile, but as he slowly settles into his new routine in unfamiliar surroundings, the fragility and guarded secrets of other parishioners give him an insight into his own fallibility and unforeseen strength of character.

 
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tags

chesterton, escapism quaint gentle surreal, thomas, wodehouse

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53 comments

 

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Chapters

22

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Square One

Take a stroll into one of those novelty shops that you see dotted about the place and you will undoubtedly come across a selection of children’s ornamental snowstorms which fit snugly into the palm of your hand and come to life the moment you shake and turn them upside down. Lots of shimmering flakes are suddenly stirred into action and the plastic figurine in the centre of the device cops the whole blizzard and is unable, until the thing calms and settles again, to do anything whatsoever about the situation. Indeed, the male or female stood in the firing line is more than likely to be subjected to another flaky dowsing before the object has lost its power to amuse and is placed back on the shelf once again. And to top it all, even when the scene has calmed down, the poor bloke or woman glued to the centre of the display is still unable to escape the confines of the bubble as it is hermetically sealed. What I am getting at is that you can see out but cannot go out and trouble could, at any minute, erupt when some perfect stranger turns your house upside down. Such was the line of thought preoccupying Arnold Matson as he considered and steadily digested the outlandish news given to him by Harold Garstang some two hours earlier.

In a way, what had surprised Matson most about Harold Garstang’s revelation was his own startled reaction and reply as the news hit him and caught him completely off guard. Arnold’s counterpunch had been ‘You don’t think I believe in all that rubbish, do you?’ when he knew full well that he did believe in an afterlife; he just didn’t see why he should admit it when he felt he had been made to look a fool after being subjected to sensitive information in such a ruthless fashion. No, he needed to remain calm and gather his own thoughts. After all, where’s the constructive mileage in storming into Edith Moseley’s room and demanding some sort of psychic explanation? Besides which, she had only emitted grunts and monosyllabic oratory ever since she got here.

The simple facts remained and must be addressed. Seven people were marooned in Matson’s home and they would all be expecting an evening meal later today. He could easily expect his guests to help themselves but it wasn’t Arnold’s way. Dwelling on what he had been told in the bar earlier was not going to help matters and the more he kept himself occupied with routine and mundane chores, the less he was going to worry and the quicker time would fly past until this predicament had run its course.

It was a toss-up which one of Darwin’s quotes seemed more appropriate at this moment…‘How paramount the future is to the present when one is surrounded by children,’ mused Arnold, before seeing the perfect irony and whispering to himself, ‘It’s just a pity that I’m surrounded by a bunch of crazy adults…’ He wiped a chilled circle of condensation from a window pane, observed the motionlessness landscape of the car park and sleeping fields beyond, and made his way through to the stark reality of the pub’s kitchen.

Chapters

22

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YvonneMarjot wrote 1 day ago

Beautifully composed, dense with detail; a landscape lovingly described; characters portrayed in rich, very slightly over-sweet prose: all told in a sardonic voice dripping with vitriol. Strawberry gateau and cyanide at the vicarage, anyone?

I've laughed and cringed in equal measure over this. It's great stuff - understated and overblown at the same time. Your tenses are all over the place, but I'm pretty sure that's completely deliberate. It's certainly keeping me on my toes. I have no hesitation at all in backing this, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Best wishes, Yvonne.

Brian G Chambers wrote 30 days ago

Hi John
I started reading your book at 6 am this morning and it brought me life right away, with the humor and wit, which is so undoubted English. It really put a smile on my face as I visualised the scenes you were portraying. A great way to start the day. It is so well written that there is nothing I can critique. Very well done indeed, and I wish you all the success it deserves. Highest stars from me and it will get a place on my shelf in the not too distant future.
Brian.

a.brooks wrote 85 days ago

Just a cursory read of the first chapter, but enough to back already. This site is very odd--the American books seem to have no literary aspirations whatsoever, as if the hundreds of thousands of would-be authors in those "literary" MFA programs don't exist. I'm American.

But you frequently see this sort of comical, competent British prose, which may be impeccable, yet apparently not "compelling" enough to publish. I tend to find the entire contemporary literary fiction section unreadable, though, so it's hard to comment on the market. Most of the popular books on this site are manifestly incompetent and "unpublishable," by any traditional standards--although judging by the ratings and praise given on this site, much of the public wouldn't know the difference.

So these British comic literary novels may be better than most of what's boosted (feebly, admittedly) by the publishing companies. Not to lump you in wholesale with your countrymen, but it's hard to say more. This is obviously uniquely jaunty--there's a linguistic focus that prevents straightforward "visualization," but I kind of hate visualizing novels anyway. I'll come back if I have anything intelligent to say.

emarie wrote 148 days ago

John, you've written a lot (with a lot written in the lot). :-) Its interesting and causes you to think as you read instead of getting lost in the read. I generally like getting lost in the read so the author carries me away into his/her imagined land of make believe. Your land of make believe is like the tale of Narnaja (however it's spelled). :-)
--emarie
Jackson Jacob Henry Brown, III

Seringapatam wrote 164 days ago

How can one travel through the world of Authonomy without reading this book? This is superb. I am going to give this top marks. from the title to the story, to the characters to the flow of the premise, it is Al. There is nothing bad I can say about this. Someone has already mentioned on here already but I have to repeat, this MUST be made into a TV series or film. Big score and good luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch List wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Jane Mauret wrote 172 days ago

Hello, John
Black humour from the start which I enjoyed very much.
Loved such phrases as “fine-tuning her pince-nez” / “lightly coddled ovoid” / “strangles her third teabag of the morning” / “only 2 cwt of nutty slack for company”(and the many others too numerous to list!).
A lot of characters and back-stories are introduced in Chapter 1 but that was fine as it was easy to picture them courtesy of your brilliant descriptions, thus making it easy to keep track.
This book is certainly something different from that usually encountered on the site. The voice employed is very British and reminds of days of yore a little.
Your writing reminds me of David Nobbs which I imagine you would take as a compliment.
I rather enjoy the verboseness as I am also of the school of ‘’ why use one word when 10 will do?”.
It is very easy to imagine the characters, settings and the interactions. You convey a lot in a short space and the writing is fair bursting with many original turns of phrase.
The humour is understated and at times black and you cannot go wrong there.
I usually always give a critique as that is more useful than screeds of compliments, however, I was unable to find anything here to quibble about.
Best wishes.
Jane Mauret
PS: John, If you get a moment, perhaps you could have a look at my book; thanks.
I CAN LAUGH – NOW!

R. Dango wrote 191 days ago

This is exactly the kind of a book I wanted from a British writer. The style, the setting, the plot, and the title, everything makes me chuckle but in my classy (whatever it is) chuckle. I can already picture this as a film. I also liked the first chapter coming with a corgi and a pekinese. Perfect side characters!

R

AbiBoots wrote 198 days ago

I was drawn to the title of this and it didn't disappoint. I love the names of the characters and their caricature-like qualities. The setting and atmosphere reminded me a little of Darling Buds of May. I love the satire in this and chuckled my way through the first few chapters. The narrator's voice amused me from the outset. There are some cracking lines too... 'Insects, after all, are not everyone's idea of happiness' (that was a chuckle moment), 'blissfully unaware that an overweight mmon has peeped from the clouds' is just beautiful, and 'powerfully tightened the pages of truth and fabrication' completely captures the satire. Such a lovely read. I would buy this, and I would buy it for my Dad and my friend and numerous other people too, who I am sure would all love it!

carol jefferies wrote 198 days ago

Hi L.A.Johnson,

I must admit your book 'Dandruff Hits the Turtleneck' is an unusual title for a book, but then it is clearly a remarkably unusual book, and after reading crime fiction, fantasy and children's' adventures, it's about the best thing I've read all day.

Your writing reminds me of 'Cold Comfort Farm,' and would make an excellent radio play.

I loved your humour and especially your attention to detail from Arnold's straining cobalt cardigan to Reverend Colin Wheatsheaf's lemon-tinted bi-focals.

I am going to read some more and put it on my watchlist and am backing it.

Carol Jefferies
A Prince Unboyed)

Bear Bradley wrote 206 days ago

You are clearly a talented writer! I am definitely going to read this through. Your descriptions are witty, unique, and vivid and it was great to read through the first chapter! I can't wait to read more - and will definitely update as I do.

Thanks!

Bear Bradley
The Magnificent Mausoleum

Kit Fox wrote 208 days ago

Very witty and unusual - like this a lot.

My only (hopefully constructive) criticism John, would be that you have at your disposal a very powerful weapon in the form of highly articulate and witty prose. Be careful not to cross the line between dazzling and delighting us and overpowering and alienating us. It doesn't happen very often at all, but every now and then...

High stars and backed.

Regards Kit Fox

Sebastian Manning wrote 280 days ago

drivel

mick hanson wrote 281 days ago

I thought in terms initially of Alan Bennet with an edge. The kind of wit that you know is incredibly well written, astute, and is to a certain degree both educational and clever. The pace at which this writing is travelling seems to cram into an awfully small space a great deal, so-much-so that no sooner had I devoured one incredibly well written sentence, I was hit with another. So it goes on. Nothing in the scenarios are left behind, with smatterings of entomolgy left, right, and centre - but I thought a running commentary with the reader was indeed an added dimension too far for my tastes. I think also there is far too much "telling" and not enough "showing" - I just feel that behind the twitchy curtains, in the biscuit-barrel front-rooms of Blinkington there would be a little more dialogue. It would I feel slow down the "Galloping Major" feel - stiil top marks " ...but no cigar." Mick "It Was a Kind of Cold, Grey Morning."

hockgtjoa wrote 291 days ago

This author has a way with words that I personally find a touch over the top.
An idyllic and yawning woodland, an opulent glade, best porcelain sunlight, unflinchingly gamble my late grandmothers surgical stockings, a fragrant stratum of talcum powder and aniseed balls--and all in the first chapter. There is in writing, perhaps, too much of a good thing that might not be simply wonderful. This, I fear, is it. I want to add that I wish the author the very best and that I am sure if "he" (I do not assume I know whether or not John Mayfield is a pseudonym) does not mind some dilution of his prose, he would improve on it.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 300 days ago

DANDRUFF HITS THE TURTLENECK
What a fun book to read. Your characters are very distinct (loved your descriptions of things such as, “she strangled her tea bag”; that is how wringing one out does looks or the way a mouse is allowed to amble bywithout a word). Your narrator’s opinions on everyone and everything are laugh out loud funny. Probably not a story for everyone (no vampires or werewolves) but for me this was a thoroughly enjoyable read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Inqusitive Agie wrote 327 days ago

I liked the decriptions and introductions of the characters, especially those of the Reverend Collins.

robert j harrison wrote 349 days ago

John
It's very funny. The one criticism being that' it's almost too much all at once. Vignette after vignette. I wanted plot development. But very funny. Any way of just tonimg it down?

Tod Schneider wrote 380 days ago

Richly written, equally goofy and articulate, this is a writer's read. For people who like word play, this is a treat. Best of luck!
And you are invited to check out my kids' lit novel, The Lost Wink
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Lez Barstow wrote 400 days ago

An eminently readable novel which keeps the pages turning at a rate of knots. I can only compare John's style to that of the brilliant Alan Bennet!

John Mayfield wrote 401 days ago



Thanks a lot. I agree regarding the category...story of my life John x.

Great piece of fun, artfully written. We are shocked into the plot immediately and wallow in your make believe. Very well written this almost defies a category.

Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
One Foot in The Jungle

Wilma1 wrote 401 days ago

Great piece of fun, artfully written. We are shocked into the plot immediately and wallow in your make believe. Very well written this almost defies a category.

Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
One Foot in The Jungle

Natalie1 wrote 421 days ago

What a delightfully buoyant narrative! Quirky and different in style to most, almost like reading an animation, if that makes sense. Its surreal quality means one has to concentrate whilst reading, but what fun, John! I like your imagination! Natalie (The Diary of John Crow)

gillie63 wrote 426 days ago

Six stars are insufficient; at least ten out of six. You have managed the near impossible task of dispatching my teenager induced deathwish. I might even offer to take her to the station tomorrow I now feel so cheerful!

I loved the style, I felt as if I were the one tweaking the curtains and poking my nose in the absurd business of Blinky. The author was my partner in crime and just the companion I would have chosen were I to visit Blinky myself.

Chosing names is never easy, it is even harder when they are tongue in cheek. It is easy to overstep the mark and they can become forced and uncomfortable. After a while I began to believe that this was quite possibly a real place and somewhere there is a gargoyle of teabag strangler Edith Mosely sneering at the congregration of St Disinfectant.

Backed. You deserve to go far with this one.
Gillian

fatema wrote 429 days ago

a heart attack, at the beginning all the way to end he wish to take the road wher it will. very strange i must say.

John Mayfield wrote 433 days ago

Hilarious! Highly starred and on my list of books 'to back'.

Well done

K J



Hello KJ,

Many thanks.
It took a long time and a lot of work.
Really pleased you enjoyed it.

Best wishes and good luck in all you do,

John.

K J Anderson wrote 434 days ago

Hilarious! Highly starred and on my list of books 'to back'.

Well done

K J

John Mayfield wrote 449 days ago

A total of 6 stars is what I can give! Welll done.
josphine- Notime goes bye



That's very kind of you, Josephine.
Many thanks and I'm really pleased you enjoyed the work.

John.

Atieno wrote 449 days ago

A total of 6 stars is what I can give! Welll done.
josphine- Notime goes bye

fatema wrote 452 days ago

i like your title, on my wl have look at distress beneficial and read Ache in my heart.

John Mayfield wrote 453 days ago

Second comment am makin without success.
Hilarious, well written and really a fun read. Original. Good work and goodluck.
Josphine



Thanks a lot, Josephine. Very kind words.
I will take a look at your short stories when I get a chance.
If you could find the time to back my book I would be very grateful.

Best wishes and good luck in all you do,

John Mayfield
x

Atieno wrote 453 days ago

Second comment am makin without success.
Hilarious, well written and really a fun read. Original. Good work and goodluck.
Josphine

Monsieur Laplage wrote 455 days ago

To name just one thing: the narrator is a marvellous creation; I want to be him. More comedy per paragraph than any book apart from Alan Bennett...only just

Gillian Cowdrey wrote 455 days ago

This is an hilarious book! Reading in turns, our family has been shouting with laughter page after page! Your turn of phrase is superb and descriptions of atmosphere, people and situations excellent. A most enjoyable afternoon here spent immersed in your book. I chose it originally, would you believe, because of the absurd title. I'm so glad I did!

Mr Monkeybusiness wrote 472 days ago

Surreal escapism and no mistake- Buñuel on John Smiths Magnet and Park Drive Virginia Plain. Go on, immerse yourself in the characters- take a dip in the ever so slightly fouled water of life....

Keith Large wrote 474 days ago

A fascinating book that shows how, when circumstances arise an undiscovered inner strength enables the books main character Arnold Matson to adapt to his new surroundings. The author John Mayfield captures Arnold's arrival in Blinkington-on-the-Treacle with a mixture of humour and situations we can all identify with. Arnold is trusted with a secret, that makes this a must read book to uncover.

Gable wrote 475 days ago
Gable wrote 475 days ago

If you share a liking for Keiller's Dundee Marmalade and a mutual level of irritation at the profusion of t.v. cookery programmes, Mayfield on the page is a discovery to soothe the brow and make you roll up the map of indifference! Whether you are old or young; short or tall; or simply an aficionado with more turtlenecks, frankly, than can be accounted for, you imagine the characters in each scene until they become funnier and better the more you read them; and you are aware suddenly of people looking seriously at you, so you are forced to convert the chortles you have been making into a sort of cough! Enfin, mesdames et messieurs, bon appetit!

PharmBoys wrote 476 days ago

You and Holt probably love each other's work.

Melinda Sandell wrote 476 days ago

Wonderful. A real gem.

Juliet Blaxland wrote 477 days ago

Apart from having a brilliantly funny and original title, style-wise this shows that what some people might call 'author intrusion' can also become 'engaging asides' [the apologia for entomology], which is really refreshing. This should become a real book; old-fashioned paper is so much more convenient in the hammock...

Southern_Magnolia wrote 477 days ago

If you love P.G. Wodehouse, then 'Dandruff Hits the Turtleneck' is a no-miss! No, you will not find Jeeves or other up-market environs or posh characters, however you will find the subtle humor laced with touching moments which stands for all that is real in today's world of the uniquely & quintessentially English. WARNING: Only to be Read by Mature Audiences -- that is, those who can look at look at their own selves in the eye and burst out with a hardy chuckle.

Harry Mansfield wrote 477 days ago

Beautifully crafted book from this gifted author and screen writer.

KeithS wrote 478 days ago
KeithS wrote 478 days ago
chrish wrote 478 days ago

I had the honour of reading this book as it was being written! Such a treat for me and wonderful to see that so many other people agree and are enjoying it too.
A beautifully crafted piece of work - of course.

hmalsman wrote 478 days ago

I just finished reading 'Dandruff." For me personally...it brought back a particularly beautiful memory. Thanks John

KeithS wrote 478 days ago

A remarkable read. Beautifully crafted prose with a style and humour that revels in it's quirky Englishness.

Lez Barstow wrote 478 days ago

Dandruff Hits the Turtleneck is nothing like I expected it to be. For starters, there is very little dandruff involved! There is though an engaging monologue. The story transports listeners to the town of Blinkington-on-the-Treacle, a name worthy of the eccentric residents who populate it notable for characters such as Arnold Matson, who has re-opened the town's local watering hole, and Reginald Frimpton, a man who writes confounding mysteries under the tantalizing pseudonym, Felicity Grayling. The back-story for Frimpton is no doubt a real hum-dinger.
Mayfield illustrates how many of the defining moments in life are hatched from seemingly innocuous events. Dandruff proves to be thoroughly captivating. 6/6!

LizX wrote 480 days ago

Brilliant title!! Think it's got to be about the most original I'v seen. Nice one.

Su Dan wrote 480 days ago

wonderful story, wonderfully written. brilliant and imaginative narrative brings your book to life with great effect...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

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