REMINDER

Thank you for reading mine. I have read the first two chapters. they flow nicely. I felt so sorry for Andrew and could understand his loss being great over the train. It was lovely that Eva was hesitant, and could see Andrew for more than an addict.
For Luke, he seemed quick to help Andrew, but could understand that. He was awfully forgiving and complying i guess thats what happens when you care and dont judge others.

Nice writing well done Kate - off the rails

Further on in Reminder you understand uncle Luke has let down his nephew down in the past. Andrew reminds Luke of his own father, he doesn't really see Andrew as a nephew, he's more of a younger brother.
Thank you for your comments.

Thank you for reading mine. I have read the first two chapters. they flow nicely. I felt so sorry for Andrew and could understand his loss being great over the train. It was lovely that Eva was hesitant, and could see Andrew for more than an addict.
For Luke, he seemed quick to help Andrew, but could understand that. He was awfully forgiving and complying i guess thats what happens when you care and dont judge others.

Nice writing well done Kate - off the rails

Dear Patty,

I don't want to sound boring, thank you once again for taking the time to actually read and comment on the story, most people just read the comments.
I've changed after your comments, but I assure you all the dialogue is punctuated. The italics are thoughts, not spoken words. I'm pleased you don't understand the seedy reason why Eva went to Andrew's house. You look about the age of my eldest daughter, though she's a historian not a biologists.
Obviously it's almost impossible to grasp a character or characters thoughts in a few chapters, but many people in real life pretend for years before they change.
Andrew becomes what he really is and his quest is to show others they are not alone.

This was a captivating three chapters, filled with a beautiful idea - Andrew helping others. I liked the theme, and Andrew's character, and the idea of having a grandfather that was respected and liked, and wealthy and inheriting that wealth. I also appreciated the thought that before Andrew could help others, he needed to help himself out of his ordeal, and thus the reaching out to the psychiatrist. The death of his mother was very traumatic and well characterized through Andrew's depressed actions. There's a lot of writing talent here, and a lot of imagination, and I appreciate it.



Dear Patty, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on reminder. I would like to give a more comprehensive reply, but a friend is pacing because I'm late. I'll explain my reasons later on.

Panos




While reading these three chapters, I kept being slowed down by errors, though. It needs to be edited (make sure all dialogue begins and ends with the apostrophe, make sure commas are added when needed, etc).

I felt that these 3 chapters in and of themselves were enough to write a whole book. Several things were happening all at once, too fast sometimes, and oftentimes it felt unrealistic, and too convenient for Andrew, who is down on his luck, to suddenly come into money.

Here are my suggestions/comments:
1) The beginning with the two girls spying on Andrew was awkward, somewhat unrealistic, and unclear.
Why were they there?
What was this thing with the towels?? It did not make sense, and also when Eva helped him, suddenly he had a change of heart? They did not help the story, other than for Andrew to meet Eva again.
Maybe think about another way for Andrew to meet Eva?

2) Andrew was down on his luck in the beginning of the story, but I felt you portrayed him too low (squalid conditions, drugs, despondent, depressed, etc.), so that when Eva showed him sympathy, he quickly turned around, and approached his uncle, who (too quickly) had admiration for him (why?). I had a difficult time believing all this. This whole scene came very quickly. Maybe slow it down, embellish Andrews' character more, make it more believable, and make it into several chapters rather than all in one chapter....

These were my thoughts. Even though I felt it needed more work, I was impressed by your writing and wish you much luck and success in your writing career!

Cheers,
Patty

This was a captivating three chapters, filled with a beautiful idea - Andrew helping others. I liked the theme, and Andrew's character, and the idea of having a grandfather that was respected and liked, and wealthy and inheriting that wealth. I also appreciated the thought that before Andrew could help others, he needed to help himself out of his ordeal, and thus the reaching out to the psychiatrist. The death of his mother was very traumatic and well characterized through Andrew's depressed actions. There's a lot of writing talent here, and a lot of imagination, and I appreciate it.

While reading these three chapters, I kept being slowed down by errors, though. It needs to be edited (make sure all dialogue begins and ends with the apostrophe, make sure commas are added when needed, etc).

I felt that these 3 chapters in and of themselves were enough to write a whole book. Several things were happening all at once, too fast sometimes, and oftentimes it felt unrealistic, and too convenient for Andrew, who is down on his luck, to suddenly come into money.

Here are my suggestions/comments:
1) The beginning with the two girls spying on Andrew was awkward, somewhat unrealistic, and unclear.
Why were they there?
What was this thing with the towels?? It did not make sense, and also when Eva helped him, suddenly he had a change of heart? They did not help the story, other than for Andrew to meet Eva again.
Maybe think about another way for Andrew to meet Eva?

2) Andrew was down on his luck in the beginning of the story, but I felt you portrayed him too low (squalid conditions, drugs, despondent, depressed, etc.), so that when Eva showed him sympathy, he quickly turned around, and approached his uncle, who (too quickly) had admiration for him (why?). I had a difficult time believing all this. This whole scene came very quickly. Maybe slow it down, embellish Andrews' character more, make it more believable, and make it into several chapters rather than all in one chapter....

These were my thoughts. Even though I felt it needed more work, I was impressed by your writing and wish you much luck and success in your writing career!

Cheers,
Patty

nice message here. you could use an edit, checking the grammar and sentence structures.
j
what every woman should know

Thanks, will try.

Panos

nice message here. you could use an edit, checking the grammar and sentence structures.
j
what every woman should know

Panos,

From the pitch for Reminder, I believe its message is worthy of attention. Aside from some minor editing issues, I think you have a good beginning. There are a few little opportunities, however, for further development, to show rather than tell, such as when they walk into the steamy restaurant and Andrew enjoys the 'exotic aromas', you could actually describe them: that familiar blend of aromas that is both smokey and spicy, topped with the kind of pungence that took him back . . or that made his mouth water (kind of thing). Of course, simply saying exotic aromas keeps the pace quicker. Just a thought with the aim of helping us submerge more so into the scene. This is actually a compliment. I enjoyed the scene so much, I wanted more of it. Four stars for now.
Best,
John Campbell

Does it sound better?

Panos

Panos,

From the pitch for Reminder, I believe its message is worthy of attention. Aside from some minor editing issues, I think you have a good beginning. There are a few little opportunities, however, for further development, to show rather than tell, such as when they walk into the steamy restaurant and Andrew enjoys the 'exotic aromas', you could actually describe them: that familiar blend of aromas that is both smokey and spicy, topped with the kind of pungence that took him back . . or that made his mouth water (kind of thing). Of course, simply saying exotic
aromas keeps the pace quicker. Just a thought with the aim of helping us submerge more so into the scene. This is actually a compliment. I enjoyed the scene so much, I wanted more of it. Four stars for now.
Best,
John Campbell

Thank you Nigel,

I understand your suggestion and will certainly go over that area, and hope improve it.
Andrew cannot be reminded of India as he's never been there, and as a young man without money that has existed in Dalston I think he would find most foreign things simply exotic. In the restaurant although everything feels close he can't explain it, he becomes aware, not of what he is, but of what has been handed down to him.

Panos

Panos,

From the pitch for Reminder, I believe its message is worthy of attention. Aside from some minor editing issues, I think you have a good beginning. There are a few little opportunities, however, for further development, to show rather than tell, such as when they walk into the steamy restaurant and Andrew enjoys the 'exotic aromas', you could actually describe them: that familiar blend of aromas that is both smokey and spicy, topped with the kind of pungence that took him back . . or that made his mouth water (kind of thing). Of course, simply saying exotic aromas keeps the pace quicker. Just a thought with the aim of helping us submerge more so into the scene. This is actually a compliment. I enjoyed the scene so much, I wanted more of it. Four stars for now.
Best,
John Campbell

Panos, I read quickly through all the chapters. I like the storyline. I like the ideas you want to accomplish with the book. The flow was good, the pace. I have some suggestions which I will send you in a separate message, which I hope will be helpful since I don't know how much past this point you've already implemented, because you're a very talented writer.

Til soon,
Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Thank you Donna, all suggestions are welcome.

Panos

Panos, I read quickly through all the chapters. I like the storyline. I like the ideas you want to accomplish with the book. The flow was good, the pace. I have some suggestions which I will send you in a separate message, which I hope will be helpful since I don't know how much past this point you've already implemented, because you're a very talented writer.

Til soon,
Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Nice to connect with North London, I know it well. That apart, I sense the makings of an entertaining story here. With only 3 chapters posted, it's hard to judge the direction this tale will take, but the long pitch contains an original idea which with work, edit, polish as your ethos could lead to a sound book.
You write well and in the main clearly, but sometimes it seems you have so many ideas they tumble out too quickly. Take time on this, sort out exactly where you think the story should take the reader and with the potential in place, read it to yourself out loud.
Nice ideas here and topical too, drugs etc. perfect for the target audience you have in mind. Happy to star and shelve to encourage you. Margaret.

Thank you Margaret, I need encouragement. May I ask how much you read, where you thought ideas tumbled out too quickly and why you chose Reminder.
Sorry to be a pain.
Panos

Nice to connect with North London, I know it well. That apart, I sense the makings of an entertaining story here. With only 3 chapters posted, it's hard to judge the direction this tale will take, but the long pitch contains an original idea which with work, edit, polish as your ethos could lead to a sound book.
You write well and in the main clearly, but sometimes it seems you have so many ideas they tumble out too quickly. Take time on this, sort out exactly where you think the story should take the reader and with the potential in place, read it to yourself out loud.
Nice ideas here and topical too, drugs etc. perfect for the target audience you have in mind. Happy to star and shelve to encourage you. Margaret.

Thank you Margaret, I need encouragement. May I ask how much you read, where you thought ideas tumbled out too quickly and why you chose Reminder.
Sorry to be a pain.
Panos

Nice to connect with North London, I know it well. That apart, I sense the makings of an entertaining story here. With only 3 chapters posted, it's hard to judge the direction this tale will take, but the long pitch contains an original idea which with work, edit, polish as your ethos could lead to a sound book.
You write well and in the main clearly, but sometimes it seems you have so many ideas they tumble out too quickly. Take time on this, sort out exactly where you think the story should take the reader and with the potential in place, read it to yourself out loud.
Nice ideas here and topical too, drugs etc. perfect for the target audience you have in mind. Happy to star and shelve to encourage you. Margaret.

I see it's complete, how can I read more?
The only reason why this book hasn't gone sky high, is probably because most people are solely concerned with their own work.
apl

Thank you.
Soon I will post another chapter, and maybe you are right.

Panos

I see it's complete, how can I read more?
The only reason why this book hasn't gone sky high, is probably because most people are solely concerned with their own work.
apl

I'm sorry for not being as fast.
Dianna deep inside we all have an uncle Luke, obviously rarely with money.
I can't think of a worse pain than losing your parents, and would cherish anything that reminded me of them.
Thank you for your advice and I will certainly go through it.
I will read you book and get back to you.

Panos

Hi Panos,

I think you have a great thing going here. I really enjoyed what I read. The British flair in your story made me smile and I loved watching Andrew come out of his depression and drug addiction. You do a great job showing the gradual change that took place.

Oh, if we all had an uncle like Luke to give us a leg up. He was just what Andrew needed. Luke was so very generous and I’m so glad Andrew stuck with his resolve to change.

As I read, I felt your writing became smoother and more natural as it went on. Right at the beginning there were some long sentences that read a little awkward, but you also had some great descriptions. Here’s one of my favorites: “… a crusty cigarette burn on the key of a beautifully kept upright piano.” Genuis!

Jane (Breath of Africa) is a great writer. I think she gave you some excellent suggestions regarding the point of view and keeping the speaker’s words all in one paragraph. They are something I’d pursue.

Andrew’s idea is quite unique and it will be fun to see what kind of items his clients will request for him to find. Both my parents died when I was in college and your story really made me wonder what items I wish I had that would bring back those feelings of love and security. I also had fun imagining how fun it would be to have a rich, generous uncle like Luke.

Your story has a feel good appeal, that serves to ignite the imagination and promotes kindness. Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Panos,
A rags to riches story with a twist, inviting backstory and subplots, endless possibilities. The way you put together "Reminder" is powerful, using imagery one cannot easily forget, of a man felled by drugs, down to his knees, stark naked, of two young women looking for cheap thrills in the gutter under the rain, of a millionaire hiding his destitute past under expensive clothing. Your prose is graphic, meticulous, your dialogue straightforward, real. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.


Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Dear Kenneth,
In an era where extreme politeness is over used to hide apathy, a simple thank you is sometimes refreshing, but I’m sure it appears superficial occasionally. While I’ve had books posted on Authonomy I’ve had an array of comments, before I used to react quickly, but now I read the senders book, scrutinise their photograph (if they’ve posted one), look at their name, think about their background and then try to evaluate their comment.
Thank you for your comment.
Panos

Panos,
A rags to riches story with a twist, inviting backstory and subplots, endless possibilities. The way you put together "Reminder" is powerful, using imagery one cannot easily forget, of a man felled by drugs, down to his knees, stark naked, of two young women looking for cheap thrills in the gutter under the rain, of a millionaire hiding his destitute past under expensive clothing. Your prose is graphic, meticulous, your dialogue straightforward, real. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.
Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.

Panos

Panos,
A rags to riches story with a twist, inviting backstory and subplots, endless possibilities. The way you put together "Reminder" is powerful, using imagery one cannot easily forget, of a man felled by drugs, down to his knees, stark naked, of two young women looking for cheap thrills in the gutter under the rain, of a millionaire hiding his destitute past under expensive clothing. Your prose is graphic, meticulous, your dialogue straightforward, real. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Reminder. I am a little confused by your pitches. The long one is rather disjointed, and I'm wondering if this is a collection of stories rather than one story?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. A suitably arresting opening. But you dont need to have Eva's words on separate paragraphs when she's continuing to speak. It confuses the reader.
I love that simile of the house looking like a crusty cigarette burn on the key of a piano! (Perhaps the words 'beautifully kept upright' are superfluous?)

You sure can describe scenes and creaate atmosphere (the girls at the window sill - why is it slimy?)

You're in Eva's Point of View. I'm wondering if you need to give the man a name - perhaps have Eva ask Pat who he is?
I think you mean 'but they're dead.'
And I dont understand the reference to shooting Miss Broadsmith. it seems to come out of nowhere!

You switch viewpoints quite often, which confuses the reader: from Eva to Andy, to Vivienne on the phone, and then to Luke. The reader could focus on and identify with your main characters better if you stick with them.

That's a novel business idea of Andrew's! But I cant see how it would be viable. Generous of Luke to support it, but isnt he being slightly naive, thinking Andrew will stop taking drugs, just like that? Perhaps you should make a bit more of the train and its meaning for Andrew? That way his desire to kick the habit will be more credible.

That's an awful long paragraph describing Andrew's eleven weeks of abstinence.
An intriguing insertion about the use of an umbrella in India - it seems out of place, and somewhat contrived.

I was going to say it's rather odd to be wanting to buy a car with a broken drive shaft ... but I suppose one doesnt want to look a gift (horse) in the (mouth)!

Ch.2. Your story is most interesting. There is much information to take in, and I wonder if you could have made the book longer, in order to introduce the back story more gradually. It is rather alot for the reader to swallow in a few paragraphs.
Perhaps you could introduce Ronan earlier in the story, when Andrew first saw him - to prepare the reader?
I was wondering when Eva would reappear.

You need to break up that paragraph of Lukash telling the story - and I'm not sure I understand what the laptop is all about.

You have a very promising story here, but there are too many sudden changes. Editing is needed to smooth out the different strands of the plot. But we all have to edit and re-edit, and it will be specially worth while for you to do that. Your writing is very good, and I have read far more than I intended!
Multi-starred.

Jane (Breath of Africa.)

Thank you Jane, I will inspect and remedy.

Panos

Reminder. I am a little confused by your pitches. The long one is rather disjointed, and I'm wondering if this is a collection of stories rather than one story?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. A suitably arresting opening. But you dont need to have Eva's words on separate paragraphs when she's continuing to speak. It confuses the reader.
I love that simile of the house looking like a crusty cigarette burn on the key of a piano! (Perhaps the words 'beautifully kept upright' are superfluous?)

You sure can describe scenes and creaate atmosphere (the girls at the window sill - why is it slimy?)

You're in Eva's Point of View. I'm wondering if you need to give the man a name - perhaps have Eva ask Pat who he is?
I think you mean 'but they're dead.'
And I dont understand the reference to shooting Miss Broadsmith. it seems to come out of nowhere!

You switch viewpoints quite often, which confuses the reader: from Eva to Andy, to Vivienne on the phone, and then to Luke. The reader could focus on and identify with your main characters better if you stick with them.

That's a novel business idea of Andrew's! But I cant see how it would be viable. Generous of Luke to support it, but isnt he being slightly naive, thinking Andrew will stop taking drugs, just like that? Perhaps you should make a bit more of the train and its meaning for Andrew? That way his desire to kick the habit will be more credible.

That's an awful long paragraph describing Andrew's eleven weeks of abstinence.
An intriguing insertion about the use of an umbrella in India - it seems out of place, and somewhat contrived.

I was going to say it's rather odd to be wanting to buy a car with a broken drive shaft ... but I suppose one doesnt want to look a gift (horse) in the (mouth)!

Ch.2. Your story is most interesting. There is much information to take in, and I wonder if you could have made the book longer, in order to introduce the back story more gradually. It is rather alot for the reader to swallow in a few paragraphs.
Perhaps you could introduce Ronan earlier in the story, when Andrew first saw him - to prepare the reader?
I was wondering when Eva would reappear.

You need to break up that paragraph of Lukash telling the story - and I'm not sure I understand what the laptop is all about.

You have a very promising story here, but there are too many sudden changes. Editing is needed to smooth out the different strands of the plot. But we all have to edit and re-edit, and it will be specially worth while for you to do that. Your writing is very good, and I have read far more than I intended!
Multi-starred.

Jane (Breath of Africa.)

What great dialogue. I enjoy it for it's own sake. You really have a flair for this. This will make me read more.

I read through the first two chapters and it was a great beginning to your story. You have a natural tone that makes for an easy read and your dialogue is smooth and realistic. If I had one suggestion it might be that the descriptors after your dialogue gets a bit heavy at times, but that is just my opinion. Other than that I thought it was fantastic. High stars to you and good luck in climbing the ranks.

Thank you for your kind words.

Panos

I read through the first two chapters and it was a great beginning to your story. You have a natural tone that makes for an easy read and your dialogue is smooth and realistic. If I had one suggestion it might be that the descriptors after your dialogue gets a bit heavy at times, but that is just my opinion. Other than that I thought it was fantastic. High stars to you and good luck in climbing the ranks.

That would be nice, take care 'til then.
Katrina

I promise.

Panos

That would be nice, take care 'til then.
Katrina

Oh, I am so sorry, I had no idea. I have sent another message teasing you. Its wonderful that you are able to write. Are you really so poorly?
Wanting to meet you was, I thought at the time, a passing fancy of hers, but if you and all around you could manage it, may not be such a bad thing. She is only a flight away and quite simply a ray of sunshine.
Fond regards as always,
Katrina

Hello Panos, didn't know you had started writing. Well done.
I know someone who would like to meet you.
Katrina

I hope one day my body is well enough to fly to England, until then I'm imprisoned by multiple sclerosis, but inside there is someone that wants to be met.
Panos

Hello Panos, didn't know you had started writing. Well done.
I know someone who would like to meet you.
Katrina

Hi Panos,
I've had a read of your opening chapter. It's unusual! I found it hard to get to grips with connections between the two women and Andrew. I wasn't sure if they knew who he was and if not, wondered why they felt they could walk into his house. You might need to slow it down a bit and go into their characters more in order to make their actions believable. The dialogue right at the beginning could be spaced out too, so it's easier to read.
I think there is the makings of a very original story here, but it does need to be clearer - at least for me.
Best,
Kate

am enjowing thiss new author. roll on next chapters..

am enjowing thiss new author. roll on next chapters..

It's a fun read, lovely lovely, innit?

Brilliant! Next chapter please :)

Hello , an interesting and original approach . I will certainly be reading on . Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , best wishes Strachan Gordon

I have a book idea that needs someone capable of applying historical logical progression. It's too ambitous for me, would be imterested?
Panos

Hello , an interesting and original approach . I will certainly be reading on . Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , best wishes Strachan Gordon