Urban Chaotics

Bad Habit - Use it for a flash fiction contest, or submit to anthology if you haven't already published it elsewhere.

Excellent story telling and an interesting character to follow about.
Critique-wise I primarily noticed very minor punctuation and spelling errors, but lots of them. Here are a handful if you want to deal with them:
the (cut: ladies((iinsert: lady's) head ) (since it's one head, not several)
taking offense (cut:to)(insert: at) my interruption (insert: comma)
I suggested to the guy (cut: comma) that this
This left the assailant (cut: comma) flat out...
she may (cut: of)(insert: have) been
words (cut: comma) are funny things

So that's what I see at a quick glance. But overall entertaining story telling. I think you could do well with this. Best of luck!
And If you're entertained by Kids' Lit, you are invited to check out my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Urban Chaotics.
Christian Bell.


Murder on the Number 23.—Nice courtroom scenes.
I felt I was the one in the dock as things turned for the worse, before being saved by the tape recording of events that proved otherwise. A nice story here, Christian.

Kushtar. – revenge is sweet.
Some good street scenes and neighbour involvement as is the usual norm.
Enjoyed the fishing line theory and the hanging at the end. Very interesting.

Gorman’s Shed.
This came as a big surprise to me—I mean the ending of course.
It’s so well described as the two lads make their way over rough ground stumbling in the dark to reach their goal. It was so good I felt let down by the ending—I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at this...Ah well!
I’m enjoying your book of short stories, Christian and will get back to reading more soon as I can.
I have given it a high star-rating for now though and wish you luck with it.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hi Christian,

Since most folks start at the start, and I had limited time, I thought I'd just pick a couple of these at random. Writers Block, great, even for a short story this was short, although I'm used to Stephen Kings short stories which can be as long as some people's novels, yet that was what made it so captivating. Succinct, to the point, and quite ghoulish. As I said, great.
The second, Borderline, I was unsure of at first, but it soon grew on me and you pulled it off. I think it was because I didn't know where the story was heading and the first section was a touch surreal, of which I'm not really a fan, but once I saw how it fit in with the story I can only apologise for being too quick to judge.
Overall then, you've impressed me again. I've a notebook full of jottings myself that I should turn into short stories like these, you might just have given me the nudge needed.

Best wishes,

James

PS Couple of typo's in Writers Block. I should take notes but one was in the poem "an happier".

Urban Chaotics.

I love this. I love short stories written well and I love the fact that these are about violence we have to cope with on our streets.
I smiled at the beginning, at the wonderful phrase you used 'I felt like I'd been drawn through Alice's looking glass and into another dimension...' What a great start to your story and to your book.
I loved your confident writing which was fast and energetic. And I almost felt your voice was familiar.
I have to ask you -do you have a problem choosing names for your characters? Christian Bell, John Doe. This was another thing that put a smile on my face - but maybe thats why you chose them. But I guess they say write what you know
I wish you luck with this, its well written and in my opinion should get to the ed desk.
highly starred
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star..

IHGR - Urban Chaotics

Hi Christian, I got a kick out of seeing you as the defendant in Murder on the Number 23. It immediately brought the story to life for me!

Charlie's Diary - I knew when Charlie got bit he was in trouble ... good story! My only thought was whether it would be possible to add some written sound effects scattered about in the paragraphs of the initial story (when he was being followed) to break up some of the story telling. Great visual with the jellified legs & the pipe like a submarine's periscope.

Bad Habit - Short but the ending gave me a chill & stirred up some very vivid visuals & deep emotions.

Lucky Petunia - This one confused me a bit. I kinda got stuck on silken metal. Because of the smoothness of the blade? But, also, would a killer take his/her victim to their home ... especially if it's an apartment. Don't get me wrong ... I liked this one ... especially the twist ... but I felt you could do more with it. I would have definitely enjoyed reading more if this one would have been a little longer.

Loved Writer's Block! One spot caught me ... Leonard became aware of a wetness to his hands. Something felt missing to me and I realized I wanted it to sound more like a bloody wetness. What about warm wetness or sticky wetness? or something that gives you the feeling of blood? Just a thought.

Borderline - Again great visual on the ceiling. Good, good ending! It caught me completely off guard!

I like short stories. They're a fun read ... especially the creepy ones. Several times, I stopped to ponder on what a deep thinker you are. Lots of interesting ideas floating around in your head & you have a knack for surprising the reader with a twist to the story. Nice job! A few small typos here & there but that's an easy fix. Lots of stars!

Jane
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground

An entertaining read so far, i will return for the rest no doubt, smartly written and very enjoyable. Well done

IHCG review:

I thought these were some really fun, dark, spooky stories, with some really nice twists and turns. I especially enjoyed Gorman's Shed. You have a whole lot of talent as a writer, but there are still a number of grammatical issues that could use some cleaning up (For example: “Clad in (a) dramatic red robe” / “Some sort of (n)inja assassin(?)” / “God(,) this guy's good.” / “(Mummy's) little boy.” / and “Did I know, that my attacker” shouldn't have a comma)

Some of the sentences are incomplete, and end before finishing a thought. For example, I'd change the first sentence from Bad Habit to: “As he placed the noose around his neck and pushed the knot securely into his Adam's apple—rather like one would to straighten up a new knot on a tie—he pondered” - as it is, you end the sentence at “knot on a tie”, which leaves the thought hanging.

Also, and this may just be me, but I found the number of exclamation points to be slightly distracting. I only ever use them in dialogue, myself, as they seem out of place in narration to me.

Overall, though, you've got some really good stories here, and I had a great time reading them. There's still some work to be done (of course, I could say the same about all of the books on the site, including mine), but there's a whole lot here to like.
Well done, and high stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

IHCG Review.

Well, i have to start by saying that i dont normally like short stories so i was skeptical to start with. However, some of these are just so imaginative and creepy that it was hard not to like them.
I was chilled to the bone, i was grossed out, i was devastated by some and at times i just had to laugh out loud.

In regards to giving you my critique, the main thing i would have to say would be to take care with your punctuation. Chapter 2 especially.


Good job
Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Nice neat creepy little stories....I like them ... nothing major stands out as being a problem. Few typos, but we all have them...over all good job...

CADreilling The Line - Beginnings

These are intense and creepy stories. I most of all enjoyed the three ‘Scribblings’ poems and “Eventful Night”. Of all the stories, I think Charlie’s Diary could be expanded into a full book. I’d be interested in following his adventures with Gorman. The story “Gorman’s Shed” reminded me a bit of the anime “Higurashi no naku koro ni” with the characters trying to sneak into a shed and being creeped out. Quite a traumatic story of suicide in chapter six, and an interesting telling of murder in chapter nine by showing both the investigation of the crime scene, and the events of the murder itself.

Hi
You have written some great stories.
High star graded and will be on my watch list and backed when i have made room.
From
Joh stearn
Author of Derilium

Great opener. I like the POV and how you develop your character from the inside out. The reader is pulled in by the character's view point.
You have a really good flow and development of your plot/story.
You have a good gift of style, which shows in this book. I liked what I saw. The character of Christian is very creative and deep.
Grand work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. If it isn't too much to ask, could you please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Chris,

Thanks for sending me a message about the addition of these poems in Chapter 10. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you until now. I've been busy outside of authonomy, to say the least. Here are some of my thoughts on your work:

London's Burning
or
The London Riots

The poem has energy. I think the strongest stanza begins "If For No Other Reason Than To Doubt ..." because of the rhetorical questions that are presented. Why should a derelict destroy a manor that he doesn't have? for example. This poem makes a pointed stab at London and the chaos of that the people experience if it were to burn; and therefore, a stab at the people themselves. I think the poem would have even more energy if specific images are used. Most of the poem is written with abstract nouns, which work in a philosophical sense, but do not manage to create vivid images. Using images to a greater degree would make the abstract thoughts and philosophies even more poignant. It's funny to think that in order to convey something broad and expanse like love, the author doesn't write so much about the abstract associations attached to the word, but describes the decaying chocolate in the box that he opens up after it has returned to his home on a trip to Africa, no address found.

Eventful Night

This poem is haunting! You use detail to a savory effect here, providing concrete images that help put me in that bedroom. Great job. I think the last line "Wakey Wakey, rise and shine" works so well because the rest of the poem build to it by creating fear and anxiety, which is fully rationalized when we, along with the dreamer, must wake up and face his/her greatest fear. The framework is well done. Great job.

Psychotic

This poem feels definitely to be the most personal, because it is written in the first person and describes a person who is struggling, tormented, by a conflicting will to kill or to pursue "something deeper". This is the most overtly spiritual of the three, and therefore, my favorite, because I think you strike a vein that every person struggles with--whether to choose good or evil. Because I am a Christian, I believe warmly that good (Jesus Christ) has prevailed on the cross, and therefore man does not have to be bound to the sinful passions that try to bind him. I've lived and am living this struggle on a daily basis, fighting to let go and trust God, or to do something I shouldn't. Jesus is so good that He is ready and waiting to forgive me, and I get to grow closer to Him. That's peace. I can idenitify with the narrator in this poem, and I like, I choose, the "something deeper" that pulls me up out of the depths. Thanks for sharing this poem and the others. I like them alot!

God Bless,

Sam Cronin
How Well the Sailors Run

Hi

Having been a teacher of English for 14 years I always have trouble reading prose that is technically flawed, no matter how good the story is. Others have already commented on the spate of spelling and punctuation errors in your work. So I need not go into too much detail, with one exception. There is hardly a more elementary mistake than the inability to distinguish between its and it’s. You made it in the fourth sentence. That is terrible and suggests that you could do with some intensive study of the English language. There is also a strange quality about your style, an odd mixture of formality and colloquialism. Could it be that you are not a native? Your work definitely has potential, but if you are serious about becoming a professional writer, you should first improve your basic skills.

Jan

Excellent story telling and an interesting character to follow about.
Critique-wise I primarily noticed very minor punctuation and spelling errors, but lots of them. Here are a handful if you want to deal with them:
the (cut: ladies((iinsert: lady's) head ) (since it's one head, not several)
taking offense (cut:to)(insert: at) my interruption (insert: comma)
I suggested to the guy (cut: comma) that this
This left the assailant (cut: comma) flat out...
she may (cut: of)(insert: have) been
words (cut: comma) are funny things

So that's what I see at a quick glance. But overall entertaining story telling. I think you could do well with this. Best of luck!
And If you're entertained by Kids' Lit, you are invited to check out my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Scribblings.

Thanks for letting me know that you’ve uploaded chapter ten.

I took a look at ‘Scribblings’ because I like poetry in all forms.
‘London’s Burning’—you capture well the night of anarchy, when the lowest of society pillaged and robbed the decent folk, neighbours, friends of the day before, burning all that symbolised a better living than their own squalid existence.
‘We shall shop until we drop this eve and at better than discounted prices.’...this says it all!
‘Why should he with nought, cast dereliction in his own manor? Why destroy what you have not got?’... A very good question, maybe a psychiatrist can answer this—I rather doubt it.
I did like ‘Eventful Night.’ It’s something many have gone through in the witching hour, mostly as a child. To find sleep and so escape the fears, one must clear the mind of any activity—A hard thing to do, but the eyelids do get heavier and the inevitable release comes...love the Wakey, Wakey, morning call!
‘Psycotic’...like this as well, you’re certainly a deep thinker...nice going, Christian!

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

Hi Christian,

You could write what I know of poetry, on the back of a first class stamp, to me a poem should always rhyme, like a drunken singing tramp.

Which basically means I know bugger all so I can only judge your scribblings on what I liked and for me they get better as they go along. Londons Burning had some great lines, faces hidden away to loot another day, but overall it didn't quite do it for me. Maybe because it's more current affairs than fiction. The second poem worked better, but the third was better still. As you know I've quite a fascination for how the minds of the insane work and his it feels to be going mad. The line about calling to God but only the Devil answering was great.

None of that probably helps you in any way at all but as far as hearing my opinion goes then there you go.

Best wishes,

James

Hi Christian, I have read your 'Scribblings' chapter 10 and was very impressed.
Your fluidity of words to write, London's burning, is amazing.
These are the parts that particularly stand out to me -
'Insight to rise as we rise to insight, no notice shall be given and no action shall not be undertaken.'
And
'We'll shop till we drop this eve and at much better than discounted prices'
And
'He who hide his face away is free to look another day.'
London's Burning, is an amazing piece of writing. The words reek the truth of the social decline of the modern day.
' No one cares any more.'

Eventful night;
An interesting poem about childhood fears - I remember the nights well.( I still have them).
You use words once again with great skill, describing your feelings, your movements and your fear. While all the time you are gathering together the strange and frightening goings on in your head as you try to sleep.
Wonderful stuff

Psychotic;
A srange poem I must say. Its well written and stands out from the others.
I feel empathy for the psychotic and his feeling of madness. He prays to God to release him from his bond but gets the Devil to answer his calling.
Yes I love your 'Scribblings' Christian, they are all wonderful. My favourite has to be 'London's burning.'
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Urban Chaotics.

I love this. I love short stories written well and I love the fact that these are about violence we have to cope with on our streets.
I smiled at the beginning, at the wonderful phrase you used 'I felt like I'd been drawn through Alice's looking glass and into another dimension...' What a great start to your story and to your book.
I loved your confident writing which was fast and energetic. And I almost felt your voice was familiar.
I have to ask you -do you have a problem choosing names for your characters? Christian Bell, John Doe. This was another thing that put a smile on my face - but maybe thats why you chose them. But I guess they say write what you know
I wish you luck with this, its well written and in my opinion should get to the ed desk.
highly starred
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star..

Hi Christian,

Since most folks start at the start, and I had limited time, I thought I'd just pick a couple of these at random. Writers Block, great, even for a short story this was short, although I'm used to Stephen Kings short stories which can be as long as some people's novels, yet that was what made it so captivating. Succinct, to the point, and quite ghoulish. As I said, great.
The second, Borderline, I was unsure of at first, but it soon grew on me and you pulled it off. I think it was because I didn't know where the story was heading and the first section was a touch surreal, of which I'm not really a fan, but once I saw how it fit in with the story I can only apologise for being too quick to judge.
Overall then, you've impressed me again. I've a notebook full of jottings myself that I should turn into short stories like these, you might just have given me the nudge needed.

Best wishes,

James

PS Couple of typo's in Writers Block. I should take notes but one was in the poem "an happier".

Christian,
You're a talented writer. Your style has energy and movement. I'm drawn most to the surprise endings of your stories, such as in "Lucky Petunia", "Writer's Block", "Bad Habit" and "Murder on the Number 23". These surprises are framed beautifully, so that at each, the reader is satisfied by the reversal/change/unexpected twist. The other aspect I love most is that all of these stories fit well under the umbrella of the title of the compilation (Urban Chaotics); all of them add to and illuminate and explain very well that title. There is no mystery or disparity between the title and the construct/cohesion of the stories. This work is very violent. I, too, have written violent stuff, and I hope that I can, in writing violence, work to offer hope to mankind that one day violence will end. Thank you for sharing your work. Thank you for querying me. May you not get writer's block :)

Mule

Urban Chaotics.
Christian Bell.


Murder on the Number 23.—Nice courtroom scenes.
I felt I was the one in the dock as things turned for the worse, before being saved by the tape recording of events that proved otherwise. A nice story here, Christian.

Kushtar. – revenge is sweet.
Some good street scenes and neighbour involvement as is the usual norm.
Enjoyed the fishing line theory and the hanging at the end. Very interesting.

Gorman’s Shed.
This came as a big surprise to me—I mean the ending of course.
It’s so well described as the two lads make their way over rough ground stumbling in the dark to reach their goal. It was so good I felt let down by the ending—I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at this...Ah well!
I’m enjoying your book of short stories, Christian and will get back to reading more soon as I can.
I have given it a high star-rating for now though and wish you luck with it.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Christian,

I looked your excellent book over and I had to back it! Very, very good. If you have time, will you take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. Your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Bad Habit - Use it for a flash fiction contest, or submit to anthology if you haven't already published it elsewhere.

On Kushtar - my kind of story, though you might not think it as my presentation of Brass Notes. But a good read. I like the suspense of wondering at the beginiing until well into the piece, who the narrator was. But the unfolding of this and I call it the revenge of Maria's death and getting back at the crooked cops brought the tale together with a climactic ending. Somewhere I did get a bit lost in the process, but kept reading, perhaps to get the tale in my mind "back on track" I recently read the team effort of the Bin Laden invasion. This story touched on this carefully, methodical way of zipping this mission to a completion. Janice Abel

Great little read in Murder in the number 23. Beginning walks you right through to the court scene. At the turning point when video is introduced clear and concise. In middle I felt you did well in painting the two possible sides of the boy, the sweet one a picture of innocence. and then the contrast, just a few places you might firm up.

Will read on with your stories in few days.

Chapter 2 paragraph 2 'Soon joined by four two BMW's" I wish i could understand what this means!Will read on and comment!

Nice story. told in a very manipulative way. I am no expert myself but I love the story in chapter one that i just read. Will read more and get back to you.
Josphine
Notime goes bye-short stories

I like short stories because they are... well, short. :) I've only read the first one so far. I love it when it says he was in court because he took the bus, as if none of this was his fault. I also liked the way it ended. Personally I would have liked it to be longer. I would have liked to see more action taking place and spend a little less time in the guy's head, although I understand why you wrote it that way. Just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. There might have been a few times when you used a comma and shouldn't have. Once you used 'of' and I think it should have been 'have,' but I'm not sure. I'm not an expert and people are constantly telling me that things are wrong with my books. You'll need a second opinion. I will try to return this weekend and read the next short story.