Stolen Child

Stolen Child by Jennifer Sweet.
Creative and very interesting plot idea.
Conner is a deep character struggling with his life that he sees as duel, going back and forth with the same old things.
One thing though that I noticed was that the opener doesn't have much of a beginning, because it dives right into the MC person and life. Perhaps, just an idea mind you, add something like his settings around him or walking into the same old place with dust. Make a setting or an action to catch our attention.
Otherwise your writing flows and develops very well.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Dear Miss Sweet:

Just finished ch's 1 & 2 of Stolen Child. It is well paced with a slight bit of humor; try to keep that in. But I do have some crits:

Short pitch:
----"...solemn bewail..." -- -- "bewail" is a verb; suggest changing to "bereavement".

Ch 1:
----"He'd begun at a young age..." -- -- suggest change "young" to "early".
----"...to tell him no..." -- -- suggest insert quote marks around "no".
----"Connor kept his hand on..." -- -- suggest move "firmly" to after "hand".
----Like this part about the pillar -- -- very convincing how you have Connor slowly come around to the "guest" at his table.
----"...company than -she" -- -- suggest delete hyphen.
----"...that he smelled." -- -- suggest replace period with question mark.
----Isn't his pseudonym "MacLeod" rather than "MacLoed"?
----"...about that accent somebody might..." -- -- suggest insert "or" after "accent".
----"She neither thin..." suggest insert "was" after "She".
----"...going to fall over again..." -- -- suggest delete "again" -- -- he didn't fall the first time.
----"...from betrayal he sighed and told him." -- -- suggest insert comma after "betrayal", and change "him" to "Seamus".
----"...into the water but he ended up..." -- -- suggest comma after "water", and delete "he".
----"...lay on the deck for a few moments looking up at the stars, he..." -- -- suggest move "looking up at the stars" to after "deck", delete comma after "stars".
----"to come about but..." -- -- suggest insert comma after "about".
----"...didn't see her that way and..." -- -- suggest semi-colon after "way".

ch 2:
----"...the grocery store. As he was walking, he began to think on the..." -- -- suggest insert comma after "store", delete "As he was walking, he began to", and change "think" to "thinking".
----"...taller than she was with..." -- -- suggest insert comma after "she", and delete "was".
----"He was nearing her so...not to look at him." -- -- this sentence is unnecessary and contradictory to paragraph beginning "Connor then made...".
----"...confused look to the woman as..." -- -- suggest delete "to the woman".
----"...he caught glimpse..." -- -- suggest insert "a" after "caught".
----"She walked casually past..." -- -- suggest delete "casually".
----"...looked to her, still showing..." -- -- suggest change "to" to "at", and delete "still".
----"....and painted his new truck..." -- -- painted whose truck?
Is his family farm in Co. Connemara or Co. Donegal?
----Suggest separation between paragraphs "And so it..." and "Seamus entered his..." and between paragraphs "'Tis a great loss..." and "The ocean sparkled...".
----You have several paragraphs and lines with <,> marks. Do you mean them as quote marks? You started off with quote marks; need to decide which to use.
----I like how you keep Mary's identity and death a secret; helps keep up the suspense.

Needs line editing to avoid repetitions and awkward phrasing. There are some unnecessary words, which could be searched and deleted to make your story flow better, and even strengthen it: just, always, very, actually, usual, rather, some/what, also, now, obviously, probably. With a little more care, this can be a very good story.

Regards,
Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

{Stolen Child} Chapter 15

Jen,

I always love when I return to read more of your book! Things are happening quickly now and Winter is seemingly beginning to be drawn down in to this place... I hurt for her and Connor but know that Winter, Snowberry, and even Connor will find a way out of this and back to the real world, saving the faerie world as well! The scene with the wounded Annachie was intense and the way you write is so vivid, real and alive! I truly do feel a part of your realm as I read.

And my favorite part of the chapter was in the end when the chill descended upon the realm and Winter felt it within her as she went to sleep. Snowberry's experience was wonderful as well and she's beginning to become one of my favorite characters!

This is a wonderful read and I now have to ask you... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE upload more chapters so that I can come back and discover what happens in your book!!! :) I'm looking forward to reading on!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

I enjoyed this, Jennifer, it's a good opening chapter.
I only read one chapter because my notes were already quite extensive & I didn't want to write an essay! If you're a glutton for punishment I can do another chapter after I've caught up with some other reading debts, but to may need to prompt me - and I'm not offended if you've had enough ;)

So:
'He'd begun at a young age being one of the youngest professors there.' - you've written 'young' twice in one sentence.
The two paragraphs beginning with 'Connor's interest in fairies' do not, I think, quite make sense. I understand he has to argue for his funding, but I read it twice and couldn't follow the logic. I also didn't understand why the lack of prodding has 'driven' Connor to the bar. I assume it means no prodding because no funding, but it isn't clear. You can't afford to be muddly this early on.
Liked the encounter with Blue Eyes, nice and light.
If Seamus is Irish, I suspect he'd be talking about 'autumn', not 'fall', but I could be wrong. It's worth checking, though.
Your dialogue is very good, very plausible.
The American accent of Blue Eyes is worth mentioning up front. It came as a bit of surprise that Connor's suddenly describing her as American in his recollections on the boat.
You build up the intrigue about Mary well.
The scene with Naimh doesn't work as well as the scenes with Seamus & Blue Eyes. Connor's lack of attraction to Naimh felt a bit laboured, and the dialogue heavy.
' She should get out with the trace of dignity...' The sudden and brief jump to Naimh's POV threw me a bit. Perhaps, 'She thought she should ...'
Does Connor actually put out the cigarette in his hand? Surely you need to mention the pain? It seems very odd to say 'he ... put the cigarette out in his hand. ' If you mean he put out the cigarette he was holding, perhaps you might want to rephrase.

All in all this is a good start with vivid characters and bright dialogue. It just needs a little polishing and you'll have something special here. Thanks for the read.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hi Jennifer,
You've a good pitch - got my attention - which is it's principal purpose - but your short pitch doesn't seem to connect with the long, which puzzled me.
The long pitch appears a neat précis of the opening plot, though the phrase 'snowy eyed woman' is repeated, I think, too often.

Still, you have my interest. Fancy a read-swap?

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

[Stolen Child} Chapter 14

Jen,

Once again you have a well written chapter on your hands here. Your descriptions make this whole book such an engaging and vivid read and each time I return I find myself immersed in your world. My favorite part of Chapter 14 was that Winter seems to have finally been able to crack (or even break) the spell that Brychan has on Connor. It's great to see him breaking free and confronting Brychan! I also loved how you began the chapter because I find myself so involved in your book when we are back with Connor's Mom and Grandfather.

And the way you ended the chapter was just right, with Annachie and Winter having a passive confrontation and Annachie mentioning the center garden. Something tells me that darkness lurks there for Winter. I can't wait to see how her and Connor overcome what is against them!

Thank you for the always enjoyable return read! Have a fantastic day! I'll be back soon for more!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. I also really like your final lines of the chapter! "A puff of steam where his breath left his lips signaled the coming change of season. As he stepped outside and gazed up, a few of the leaves glittered shades of fall."

Simply fantastic! :) I love the imagry!

{Stolen Child} Chapter 13

Jen,

This was a wonderful chapter, with tension rising after Winter witnesses the children in chapter 12, and Connor being seemingly drawn further under the spell until Winter faints! I also loved the man in the archives once more! He fascinates me for some reason and I really feel like out of everyone in this fairie world he and Strawberry are the ones she can truly trust. Another part of the chapter that I greatly enjoyed was when Connor discovered his Grandfather's ring on the chain around Winter's neck. What impact will this ring make in time and will the history Winter has been reading about in the library hold any significance to their own lives? I am anxious to find out!

I also really liked the hurling of the fireball at them toward the end. You have a way with words that makes me feel such a part of your world. Thank you so much for the enjoyable read! Soon I'll be on chapter 14 and then I'll be begging you for more! :)

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thanks for the advice about using ! with ALL CAPS. It is helpful and I'll be putting it to use! You also gave me my 400th comment and the really made me smile!

{Stolen Child} Chapter 12

Jen,

What an intense chapter ending! Connor's interactions with Winter during the chapter were a good read, but once I reached the end of the chapter where Winter sees where the children are my heart was struck in my chest! How horrible to realize that Connor has known about this and is still doing it, even if he is under the spell! Connor seems to be coming around slowly and I'll be excited when he can escape with Winter! I hope that the children will be freed as well. On a side note, Annachie is worse then I thought he was before. What a deviously evil character!

Have a great day!

- Scott

P.s. How are you liking The Ark of Humanity?

{Stolen Child} Chapter 11

Jen,

I love watching your story unfold! My favorite parts of Chapter 11 were the scene with Connor's parents and the scene with Winter in the archives.

When we go to scene's with Connor's parents I get such a deep longing, yet caring vibe. Scene's with his parents are great sections and we really get a good feel for his background and the deep caring they have for their son.

And the archive scene was well written and thought out. The fae in charge of the archives is a quality character and I am still trying to figgure out if he is good or bad. What role will the story she discovered play in what is happening to her and Connor? I look forward to finding out!

I have one possible crit... In the last paragraph you write
- He was like little fairy she'd met recently.

I missread the sentence the first time. What if you wrote (He was not much like fairy she'd met recently.)

Other then that I really enjoyed the chapter! Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thank you for the help and suggestions for Sift's speech! It is greatly appreciated!

{Stolen Child} Chapter 10

Jen,

Two things in Chapter 10 really stood out to me. The first was the attack of the shape shifter. Your description of its different forms was fantastic, especially the form it began as, and seeing Winter's struggle with the creature and Connor's defeat of it was awsome! It's fun to read about the different fairy creatures in this land.

I also greatly enjoyed the end of the chapter where Connor kisses Winter after admiring her blue eyes. It was a beautiful scene and I could feel their emotions as I read.

I'll be back soon for more and am anxious to see what Connor and Winter do from here!

Have a fantastic day! I hope you're still enjoying The Ark of Humanity!

- Scott

{Stolen Child} Chapter 9

Jen,

I had some free time during the day today so I thought that I'd return for another chapter of your book. Once again I really enjoyed the read! As I said last time, I really like this Gan Rail character, and to watch it sneak in to see Winter was a lot of fun to read. I also really liked how the Gan Rail was able to communicate with her without actually talking! Is a Gan Rail something you created for the book or is it a type of fairy from fairy lore before? Either way I really like the character! I also liked seeing Connor second guess eating the berries. I 'm interested to see how he comes out of the hold this place has on him! This is definutely a great read for March and I wish I had more time today to read onward!

Have a wonderful day and thanks again for a enjoyable read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

{Stolen Child} Chapter 8

Jen,

I love the way this story progresses! Your description here is top notch once again and I absolutely loved the scene with the Gan Rail and the brook! What a mischievious little bugger! I love the description of the plants around the Gan Rail as it moves and picturing it as it thought and moved was extremely humorous. It's also interesting to see how Connor is reacting to the control the world seems to have over part of his mind. You can tell that part of him is wanting to break free of that mental hold that's held on him. Winter is also a well thought out character and her personality is wonderful!

And to top the Chapter off, I really enjoyed the ending when the grandfather told Unagh about the saw in the barn. I think one of the things that makes {Stolen Child} such an enjoyable read it the fact that there's a great story and premise here with quality humor interwoven throughout!

Have a wonderful day! It's great to know that you're still really enjoying The Ark of Humanity!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

{Stolen Child} Chapter 7

Jen,

Another great chapter! What I liked best about Chapter 7 was the opportunity to see more of the dynamics between Connor and Winter. I still don't trust Brychan and I'm on the fence about trusting Annachie but I really like the characters and the world you've built up with your descriptions. The fairy land is wonderful to immagine as I read! I don't have a lot of cunstructive criticism for Chapter 7 but it was a great read and I'll be excited to get more time soon to continue!

Thanks again for the great read! It strikes me that this is the perfect read for March, being that St. Patrick's day is coming up, and I'm really glad to have discovered your book!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

P.s. What are you thinking about The Ark of Humanity? Are you still enjoying the read?

{Stolen Child} Chapter 6

Jen,

It's been a hectic day but I had to make it to {Stolen Child} to do some more enjoyable, relaxing reading. I love Chapter 6, with Winter's introduction into the faerie world, and really enjoyed seeing her come back together with Connor as well! Your description of the mystical world is so vivid (I know I've said this many times) and I feel such a part of things as I read. I also really liked your involvement of the children here. I like learning about the mythology behind things as well. In chapter 6 I am intrigued. What has happened to Connor to make him so at home here? Is he under a spell and are the faeries being devious or are they truly good?

I'm looking forward to returning soon for more. Thanks again for the enjoyable read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. The only real crit that I have is that I had a hard time knowing when the point of view changed from Winter to Connor in the middle of the chapter. Other then that I loved the read and your descriptions are top notch!

Jennifer,

I read the first chapter. Connor is extremely drunk, sulking over his lost job.
The first couple of paragraphs felt a little clunky. I had particular problem with the following sentence "...the stories that most had even forgotten when they were children..."

The narrative then picks up, the reader is treated some splendid visions through our drunken friend, and is startled to find he is visited by a beautiful woman. It would have been nice if you could have written the dialogue with a drunken slur, unintelligible gibberish and inability to concentrate on the conversation. Connor seems able to hold a very straight conversation despite his ninth pint of stout.

There was one drunken word, but it was in the narrative "...and continued his converstation."

The story is enjoyable and the pitch promises some interesting chapters to follow.

I did spot a line that needed some more punctuation "...that he had ever seen before, save for his grandmother’s."

There was another sentence that seems to need another word "She neither thin nor plump..." probably "She was neither thin nor plump..."

Best wishes
Warrick

{Stolen Child} Chapter 5

Jen,

This may be my favorite chapter yet. I love the introduction to the mystical world beneath the tree! You have such good description here and the introduction of the character Brychan was a pleasure to read! I like your descriptions of his movements, the way he stands with his hand behind his back, and his transformation after Connor eats the food was vivid and awsome to see in my mind. I also like the way you have the world playing with his mind and not reacting in as much of a shocked way as a regular person would be acting.

Then we come to Winter Snow (nice name, by the way) and I was really interested to learn that Connor's mother and grandfather may know what's going on with him and what's been pulling at him. That's a great new dimension to your work and I'm excited to see how Winter joins Connor soon and what this mystical realm will mean for them both!

My only real crit for Chapter 5 is that when we broke from Connor's world and went into Winter's there wasn't much of a space or marking to indicate we were changing locations in the story. I use marks between story separations like that to indicate the change. My choice for The Ark of Humanity was * but there are many symbols you could use if you want.

Also, thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave comments about The Ark of Humanity! I'm glad that you're enjoying the read and your advice is helpful. I'm looking forward to doing a full edit of the book before too long and your advice will be something I'll use a lot while I'm working.

Thanks for a very enjoyable read! This is a fantastic book and I love seeing how the story progresses!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Some advice :) I saw that you were worried about your work being stolen. I've been on Authonomy for 2 years and have never heard of anyone here having that problem but something I was told when I started writing is that you should mail yourself a copy of your work and then not open up the copy, just save it unopened. That way you have proof if someone tries to take your work that you wrote it before the postage date. Your computer also saves when you began working on a document so that would probably work as well. I hope that's helpful! Thanks so much again for the enjoyable read!

{Stolen Child} Chapter 4

Jen,

Once again, I love the book! Chapter four was done very well, especially when Connor goes to the tree and down into the water. Whose blue eyes are those he's seeing now? Are they Mary's or the girl's that he met and keeps thinking about? The description in this part really made your world easy to delve into for me! I'm excited to get into your book further and to discover who this girl (I'm assuming it's Winter) really is!

Have a fantastic day! Thanks for the enjoyable read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

{Stolen Child} Chapter 3

Jen,

Chapter 3 was a great way to get the story of May's death and what Connor went through that day! I liked you're descriptions of the scene and I was able to visualize your world well again while reading. Your description of Connor going over to Mary's bed while she was dying was one of my favorites and I also really liked witnessing Connor's emotions in the shower at the end. The force at which he turned off the shower was great and really gave me a great sense of his emotions!

I'm trying to think of advice :). I've noticed that instead of quotation marks you use < and >. I would probably change them to quotes, although I don't mind the symbols myself. Also, there are a lot of questions together at the end of Chapter 3. It might read better if a few questions were combined or if some questions were spread out over a few paragraphs. I hope that's helpful.

I'm really enjoying the book and will be back soon for more. Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you're looking for a good cover then I reccomend Bradley Wind. He's on Authonomy and will do a good cover for you for free. He created mine for The Ark of Humanity. He creates it for free and then if you want a larger copy to use in self-publishing later he does charge $100. Below is a link that you can plug in to get to him.

http://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/e90ebb88-948a-4768-b101-70f9e71c71b9/bradley-wind/

Also, Thank you so much for your backing! It means a lot!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

{Stolen Child} Chapter 2

Jen,

What a beautiful Irish read! I was even more engrosed in my read in Stolen Child today then I was the first time I was here! I love the semi-romantic connection between Connor and the girl from the bar in the beginning of the chapter and I also was completely enthralled with Connor's return to his hometown and interractions with friends and his priest! And then you really took hold of me when I discovered that the sister he was dreading seeing was dead! I loved your story before this point, but once I read that I knew that I was permanently hooked! I also really liked the mention of the hidden pagan designs in the church. This is a read that I would love to own and be able to read in my library one day... or re-read :) because I'm going to read it through completely on Authonomy first! You have a talented voice.

I'll be back soon for more! I read one chapter at a time and comment on each chapter as I read, and so you're going to have a lot of comment from me. Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. I really appreciate the time you've taken to read in and comment on The Ark of Humanity! It means a lot to me and I greatly respect your opinions because you are a writer who I hold a great opinion of. Your advice about "the, these, this and those" is helpful and I'm looking forward to doing a new round of edits soon with your advice. And I have a question... do you think that the first few chapters of The Ark of Humanity are too descriptive or do you think that the description is just right?

P.p.s. If you end up wanting a copy of The Ark of Humanity I've actually self published it and my other book, Eden Legacy, and they are both available on Amazon.com. I've only uploaded half of TAOH to Authonomy but if you decide that you'd like to read the rest of it online then just let me know and I'll upload the full book for you here.

P.p.p.s. {Stolen Child} is quickly becoming one of my favorite reads on Authonomy!

Fi! I'm glad to see this is the one you posted and I can't wait to read the rest of it (I think the last time I saw it, there were only six chapters). Have fun here!

This first chapter is very entertaining. I will read further and leave a proper comment. But you have an engaging, funny introduction to Connor and, of course, the allure of a book about a celtic mythology professor!
More later,
Best,
Maeve
(Mrs Maginnes is Dead
Fresh Meat)

{Stolen Child}

Jennifer,

First let me start by saying that I'm honored to be the first to comment on your book! I love the premise of your work and was easily drawn in by your pitches! And your characters are well thought out, with good personalities and wit. The humor you write into your story was something that really advanced the read for me and I liked the part in Chapter 1 where Connor is in the bar and, when asked his name, says that he is Duncan Macloed. :) Very smart! It made me smile! I also like your final paragraph as you end Chapter 1. It's hard to describe, but I like the manner in which you write. I can clearly visualize your world.

I've rated {Stolen Child} 6 out of 6 stars and have added your book to my watchlist so that I can return soon to enjoy more of your book!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you get the chance I'd be honored if you'd take a look at my book, The Ark of Humanity, as well, star it and let me know what you think of the book! Here's the book's pitch.

God flooded the earth to annihilate humanity's sins. What if that sinful race didn't die when floodwaters covered them but instead adapted to breathe water?

P.p.s. Again, Have a wonderful day and welcome to Authonomy! If you have any questions about the site then please feel free to ask!

Thank you so much! Your comment has made my day and helped to dampen the fear that has overwhelmed me since I first started this site! :) As for your book, you had me at talking about the great flood! I love flood stories (Especially Noah's) and so many cultures have a flood myth! I look forward to reading your book. However, when I went in to do so, I was unable to get into the first chapter. I am currently at my niece's birthday party so it may just be God's way of telling me to be sociable! :) Anyway, I am very excited to read yours and I look forward to corresponding with you! Do let me know if you have any comments and such. Especially inconsistencies. But I am always looking for ways to improve myself. All the best! Jen

Hi Jennifer and welcome,
I hope you can get a chance to read parts of my college caper crime story that takes place at the Oktoberfest.
Thanks
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

{Stolen Child}

Jennifer,

First let me start by saying that I'm honored to be the first to comment on your book! I love the premise of your work and was easily drawn in by your pitches! And your characters are well thought out, with good personalities and wit. The humor you write into your story was something that really advanced the read for me and I liked the part in Chapter 1 where Connor is in the bar and, when asked his name, says that he is Duncan Macloed. :) Very smart! It made me smile! I also like your final paragraph as you end Chapter 1. It's hard to describe, but I like the manner in which you write. I can clearly visualize your world.

I've rated {Stolen Child} 6 out of 6 stars and have added your book to my watchlist so that I can return soon to enjoy more of your book!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you get the chance I'd be honored if you'd take a look at my book, The Ark of Humanity, as well, star it and let me know what you think of the book! Here's the book's pitch.

God flooded the earth to annihilate humanity's sins. What if that sinful race didn't die when floodwaters covered them but instead adapted to breathe water?

P.p.s. Again, Have a wonderful day and welcome to Authonomy! If you have any questions about the site then please feel free to ask!