Book Jacket

 

rank 3052
word count 74651
date submitted 25.02.2012
date updated 01.09.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy
classification: moderate
complete

Stolen Child

Jennifer Sweet

Father Padraig stood at the head of the grave, bowing his head in solemn mourning for the stolen child.

 

With his funding cut at the University, Connor Quinlan is at a loss. His life has been dedicated to teaching Irish folklore and mythology. It was a promise. Now he has twice blown off the mysterious snowy-eyed woman stalking him in his misery. Nothing remains but to return home and face everything he'd been avoiding for sixteen years, including his sister. The old Fairy Oak amidst the small opening in the glen just beyond his family's farm must hold the answers. Following close behind is his snowy-eyed woman. The two of them soon get caught up in a world unlike anything they could have known. Fairies, evil, good, and snow. Something must be done to restore Connor and his family's home to peace.

 
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adventure, celtic, danger, fae, faerie, faeries, faery, fairies, fairy, fairy tale, fairy tales, fairytale, family, family secrets, fantasy, fantasy a...

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Stolen Child

Chapter 2

 

    As with every morning, Connor awoke near dawn when the sun shone brightly into his boat, reflecting from the calm ocean.  He had a fishing boat, like all the others at the docks, but had converted it into his own personal apartment.  This worked greatly for traveling back and forth between the university and his small-town home in Co. Connemara.

    Rolling over, the sunlight caught his eyes and he rolled back the other way.  For a few more moments he lay still, feeling the collection of beer in both his head and his bladder.  Finally he managed to get off the bed and make his way to the bathroom.  He took his time cleaning up, still a bit dizzy from the previous night, but managed to look presentable. 

    Afterwards, he put on a light jacket and left for town in the morning mist.  Connor ate breakfast at the small bakery where he usually ate and told the owner goodbye.  It was his plan to go back to his parents' farm where he could gather his thoughts and perhaps help his father out for a while until he could get a job for himself.  The owner of the bakery fed him breakfast on the house and wished him well. 

    Connor then made his way towards the grocery store.  As he was walking, he began to think on the previous night.  He remembered speaking with someone, and he remembered finding this person very attractive but, for some odd reason, whenever he tried to figure out who it was, his mind kept drifting to the pillar.  What he didn't notice was the individual getting up from her place at the cafe, purposefully, and walking casually his way.

    Two can play at this game! she thought.  She made her way towards the man she'd tried to speak with the previous night, trying her best to look as if she were just casually walking his way.  He was very attractive and he looked even better now that he wasn't tired, dirty, and covered in Guinness. 

    He stood about five inches taller than she was with a fairly built physique.  He had blue-green eyes and pale skin that was well complimented by his shoulder-length chocolate* hair.  She smiled as she thought of him as half Irish, half Selke.  He was nearing her so she prepared herself, trying to hold back her grin and trying not to look at him.

    "Good morning Mr. Macloed," she gave a cordial nod as she passed him, still trying to hold back a grin.

    Connor gave a confused look to the woman as she passed him nodding cordially and...  Was she trying not to grin?  Mr. Macloed?  Who did she think he...oh yeah...

Connor winced a minute as memories of the night preceding coursed back into his mind and he caught glimpse of the woman's eyes.  She walked casually past as Connor took a few steps towards the grocery store, a little too embarrassed to speak with her.  He reached for the door but stopped himself and shook his head.

"Naimh may watch too many American movies," he muttered, "But I watch too much American television."

With that he turned around and hastened toward the woman who seemed to enjoy peaking his interest.  Upon reaching her, he stretched his hand out to meet her shoulder and turned her around.

"Can I help you," she asked, facing him and cocking an eyebrow.

Connor stared for a few moments at those wondrous blue eyes.  He could've gotten lost in them when he was drunk and now that he was only hung over they were ten times as mesmerizing. 

"Yes," Connor shook himself out of it.  "I...look...I'm sorry if I said anything rude or offensive to you last night at the pub."

"You were drunk," her smile was a bit sly but her eyes and the rest of her expression were forgiving.  "I didn't think twice about it.  I was a bit disappointed, sure, but I honestly found it sort of funny.  Highlander is one of my favorite television shows."

It was Connor's turn to cock an eyebrow.  He hadn't expected that.  A part of him tried to remember what exactly her response had been but it was all too hazy.

"Really?" was about the only response he could manage.

"Certainly," she nodded.  "Unfortunately I don't get to watch a whole lot of it whilst I'm over here."

"Ah," Connor nodded.  He wasn't sure exactly what to say, not that he had ever been good at talking to a girl anyway.  His mind tried to race but the hangover from the night before slowed his thoughts and he wasn't exactly certain what he could say to her anyway.

"So," he finally managed when she looked as if she would leave.  "You're American..."

That was smooth.

"It's the accent," she laughed.

"Yeah," he was disappointed in himself and his voice sang it loud and clear.  "Well...I own all six seasons.  I'd challenge you to a 'best episodes' trivia marathon but I'm leaving town today and I doubt I'll be back."

It was official.  He was a purebred idiot.  He looked to her, still showing more emotion than he realized, and saw she looked a bit sad.  However, her face was also sympathetic and placing a hand gently on his chest she moved closer to him.

"Let me make this easy for the both of us," she looked him over a bit and then leaned up and gently kissed his cheek.  "It never would have worked out between us anyway."

As she said this last part, her snowflake-eyes stayed locked in his and a sad smile stretched lightly across her face.  Part of him, in the back of his mind, was screaming for him to reach up and take her hand, tell her he didn't have to leave right away, and stay for a few more days, but he simply remained silent.  After a few moments, she nodded and floated away.

Connor watched her walk away from him for the second time in his life, wishing he would just crawl out of his shell but remaining bitter about losing his job.  Turning back towards the grocery store, he walked in a trance with the gentle cool of the kiss still lingering on his cheek.  That was what struck him the most: that the kiss felt cool and not warm.  Her touch had felt cool as well.  It wasn't like an overly chilled touch like someone putting their hands on your neck in winter.  No.  It was more natural than that, as if her touch were meant to be cold.

Groceries were expensive and seeing as the owner of the grocery store didn't like Connor very much, getting the groceries was hardly comfortable.  Connor wasn't entirely certain why this was, but he figured it had something to do with the time he and Seamus had gotten drunk and painted his new truck purple with house paint.  Since then, the grocery store owner had avoided all contact with the two of them if he could. 

It had taken Connor only 3 hours to do what he needed in town and another half hour to get his boat secured and out to sea.  Connor loved the sea.  He had grown up on a small farm in Fanad, Co. Donegal, where it was a mix of forest and seaport.  The town he had come from was quite small and most who lived there still spoke Gaelic.  When he had first come to teach at the University, Connor often found himself starting up a lecture in Gaelic and forgetting that the majority of Ireland now spoke English as their main language.

Seamus had always made fun of him, saying that he really was stuck in the old ways.  Connor had also had a few other peculiar habits when he first arrived at the university.  It had been a long time, however, since he dropped them and a very long time since he had been home.  Things had never been the same and he wasn't sure that he should visit Mary.  She was probably angry that he hadn't come to visit her for sixteen years. 

And so it was decided... Connor made his way to the payphone at the end of the docks before he left.

Seamus entered his office, weary and lugging a horrible migraine with him.  His message light was flashing with one new message and he made himself settled before pressing the button.  Connor's voice came through the other end and left a message, simple and plain.

"Hey," he said.  "It's Connor.  I just wanted to let you know I'll be home in time for dinner." 

Seamus sighed heavily and looked a bit sad. 

"'Tis a great loss," he shook his head.  Then he leaned back in his chair looking at a picture of Connor and him at McGinty's.  Seamus knew that he was going to miss Connor greatly.  He would come back to visit, surely, but Seamus had a twinge of dread lingering in a hidden spot.  Connor might not come back at all.

The ocean sparkled with the light of the newly risen sun as Connor made his way from port out to the open sea.  The air around him was cool and disorderly.  It twirled about him as he made his way up the coast slowly.  It would be a couple of days before he reached home, but he would be home in time to have dinner with his family that night. 

Connor found he was actually looking forward to it.  This was something he hadn't done in a very long time.  His family had always been there for him and for sixteen years he had pushed everyone away, especially Mary.  It was high time he got back to his hometown and made his peace with her. 

It was a lot warmer in his hometown than it was in Galway, but this had been so for some time.  Since the incident.  Connor was a bit baffled by it, seeing as his hometown was so much farther north, but he dismissed it when he docked. 

There was still a space open for his boat and the town's fisherman all went about their business.  The salt air here was considerably fresher than back in Co. Galway.  The fishermen here were poorer as well, but Connor felt they looked more realistic than the commercialized bastards he'd lived with.

Despite the fact that Connor was in his hometown finally, he still had a ways to go to get to his parents' farm.  The only things stopping him from going at this very moment were the need for a car and the need for someone to watch his boat.  Connor made sure that everything was secure in his boat before setting off to find his childhood friend Tadhg. 

This was probably the easiest thing he'd have to do today.  Tadhg was sitting at the local pub, drinking an afternoon pint and speaking with Roan, the owner.  When she saw him she gave a sly grin and exchanged glances with Tadhg.

<Look out all,> she cried.  <Here comes the conquering academic back to visit the lowlifes in Fanad!>

The regulars who knew Connor all gave a raise of the glass and a cheer to Roan as she smiled warmly at him.  Connor just glanced at them all nervously as he gave Roan a hug and sat down next to Tadhg.

<I'd hold back on the cheering for a while Roan,> Connor sighed. 

Roan waited a moment for him to tell her what had happened but Connor's silence said enough.  She nodded with a sympathetic smile and wiped off the counter in front of Connor. 

<Well we can't all be conquerors,> she patted his shoulder.  <The British saw to that.  Now, I'll leave you two boys be and Tadhg why don't you buy your good friend Connor Quinlan a pint?>

<Have you gotten laid?>  There was no hesitation in Tadhg's question and Roan used the awkward silence that followed to back away slowly and attend to her other guests.

<What?> Connor turned slightly to face him.

<You heard me,> Tadhg took a large sip of his own pint as if to taunt Connor.  <I want to know if you have made sweet, sweet love to a woman.>

Connor laughed nervously and raised an eyebrow, staring at his friend in disbelief.  These past few days were doing horrible things to his self-esteem.  He wanted to remain silent long enough for Tadhg to give up, but his friend was relentless in his staring.  Connor never could win these contests.

<No,> Connor sighed at last, swinging back to face the bar and hitting his knee in the process.

<Then no,> Tadhg replied.  <You're not a man yet and I'll not buy a pint for a child.> 

Connor rubbed his knee gently as he rolled his eyes and wished that he didn't have to pay for his own pint.  Tadhg then gave him a kind pat on the shoulder and waved for the waitress to bring a pint for Connor.  For a few moments they were silent before Tadhg finally asked the question Connor was dreading.

<So what happened,> he turned to face him.

Connor dodged his gaze as he wasn't exactly sure how to handle the situation, let alone tell people about it.  Tadhg had known Connor since they were children, since before Mary.  On Sundays passed, Connor and Tadhg used to terrorize the church patrons.  One time in particular they had let six chickens loose in the midst of the sermon.  When the time came to admit to blame, Tadhg had taken all the credit because he knew that Connor's grandfather would give him a good thrashing and Connor had gotten beat up at school only two days earlier.

Tadhg always looked out for Connor.  He helped him clean up after bullies tortured him, covered for his cuts and bruises, and pulled him through many rough times.  Connor owed him so much.

<Budgets came up,> Connor took a swig of his pint and set it down, <and they were more than happy to cut mine.>

Tadhg nodded, not pressing the matter further.  For a few more moments he and Connor were silent.  Tadhg just watched Connor, wishing there were something he could do and knowing that it was because of Connor's promise to Mary that he had so much trouble keeping his job.

<I need someone to watch my boat for a while,> Connor sighed after a while.  <I think I'm going to help Father on the farm for a little while.>

<Only if you go visit her,> Tadhg wasted no time in requesting this of his friend.

Connor let out a grumbling sigh and set his pint harshly back on the bar.  His eyes danced around the room, not focusing on anything and wishing that he could just give Tadhg some money.  Visiting Mary wasn't exactly the most comfortable thing he could do after a blow like this.

<Connor,> Tadhg was equally flustered now, <She's your sister and it's been years!  That's probably the reason you're so damned unhappy all of the time.  Go.  Tie up that one loose end and you can move on with your life.>

Connor didn't look at him but hunched over his pint.  Tadhg waited a few moments before he sighed and headed for the door.

Connor watched him for a few moments then hurried after him. 

<I'll go see Mary,> Connor agreed as he caught up with Tadhg. 

<Good,> Tadhg put a hand on his shoulder as they continued walking.

After Connor had helped Tadhg fix his boat and given him the keys to his, Connor found himself slowly wandering towards town once more.  He had forgotten to ask Tadhg if he could borrow his car.

It felt strange to wander the streets of his hometown once again.  Connor had finished the twelfth grade and hurried out.  Even when he had gone to school here he hadn't been the same since Mary.

Soon Connor took his first step up towards St. Agnes' church.  It had been sixteen years since Connor had even set foot in here.  The whole ordeal had been too much for him and Connor had since stopped attending church at all.

Once inside the chapel, Connor saw Father Padraig taking care of some candles at the altar.  Connor dragged his feet a little as he had when he was a child and hesitated to speak.  When Father Padraig turned to see him, a look that told Connor he was long overdue for this spread over his face. 

<I think I should be seein' a ghost in here before I'm seein' your face, > Father Padraig told him. 

Hesitation controlled Connor's legs as he made his way down the aisle to Father Padraig.  The gray-haired old man who seemed to have spent too many hours in dusty libraries filled Connor with a boyish sense of guilt.  Nevertheless his hidden smile was warm and welcoming in a sorrowful way.

<When I left, > the hesitation moved to Connor's mouth, <I vowed that I would never come back here.  Not to this place anyway. >

Father Padraig nodded to Connor who felt a sudden surge of reassurance that he was doing the right thing.

<And now you've finally come to make peace have you? > Father Padraig took two long strides to meet him.

<Or something of the sort, > Connor's voice shook with insecurity.

Father Padraig gave him a questioning look and waited to hear what else he had to say.  In all honesty, Connor didn't want to be here at all.  He didn't want to face Father Padraig, his parents and especially not Mary.  If he could have, he would have bolted for the door.  That was his problem though: he had nowhere to run.  Nothing else to do with himself and nobody to pull him up from the muck he'd fallen into. 

<In all truthfulness, > Connor sighed, keeping his eyes to the ground and shuffling his feet a little as he leaned against the old oak pew, <I think I'm just here so a friend will take care of my boat. >

Father Padraig looked as if he didn't know whether to laugh or smack Connor.  It took him a moment but soon the realization of the purpose of Connor's sudden return was clear to him.  <You lost your job. >

<I lost my job, > Connor wondered how many times more he would have to repeat that.

<Don't you think there is a reason for that, > Father Padraig's tone was thoughtful and not insensitive. 

Connor let his eyes dance around the room for a few more moments.  Everything still looked the same.  Christian icons with hidden pagan designs loomed in every corner.  At one point in his life, he had been fascinated by the idea that the pagans of old had hidden their beliefs from the Christians in their own art.  Even when the entire village had finally converted to Christianity, the locals still held true to some of the folklore.  For instance: when little mischievous things were done, they blamed the Fair Folk. 

The Fair Folk were responsible for getting Connor into this mess.  It was because of one stupid promise he had made a long time ago and now he could not back down from it.  He had taken it too far.

<I lost my job, > Connor's remark echoed his bitterness, <Because the entire academic community in Ireland thinks I'm a raving lunatic! >

<Then you're not doing your job well enough, > Father Padraig sighed and fiddled through his key ring to find a large skeleton key.  <I'll let you down to see her.  But what happens from there is up to the two of you.  Though I doubt she'll be very happy with you right now. >

<Haven't I done everything she asked of me? > Connor growled as he followed Father Padraig over to a stairwell leading downward.

Father Padraig shrugged and opened the large wooden door at the bottom of the stairs.  Connor sighed as he passed him and gave him a grateful look.  Father Padraig nodded with a hint of a sad smile and closed the door as he left.

Down another small curved set of stairs, Connor finally reached a place he had wished never to return to.  Dust floated up with his steps and cobwebs hung from everywhere but the corners.  A sweet and sickening smell filled Connor with a sense of dread as he stepped forward to his destination.  For a few moments Connor just stared as he read it:

Mary Quinlan

Blessed daughter.

Beloved sister.

Oct. 5th 1983-

Nov. 4th 1990

After staring for what seemed like hours, Connor glanced around nervously.  There was an old barrel of sorts sitting nearby.  Connor pulled it over and sat to face his sister.  It had been only a little over sixteen years since her funeral.  He hated her funeral, not that he could remember anything about it.  That was odd, considering it was the time of his life he hated the most.  Well that was even more odd.  How could he hate her funeral if he hadn't even attended it?  He had to have come.  His family wouldn't have let him do otherwise.  Besides that, Mary was much more important that a simple sister.

Connor sighed as he stared at her grave and knew that he must look at a loss for words.  He had never wanted to accept that his sister was dead.  At her funeral, Connor hadn't even gotten up the courage to cry.  Not that men like him were supposed to cry.  Oh what did being a man have to do with it?  It was insensitive that he hadn't cried for his sister who had loved him so and who had played such a major role in his life all these years. 

Letting his eyes wander a little bit, Connor leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees.  Dust floated gently in the light of the nearby stained-glass window.  Mary's cover-stone was poorly illuminated and dull.  It had an aching sense to it.  It was dreary and sorrowful.

Connor couldn't cry.  He could not bring himself to feel the sort of sorrow he knew he was supposed to feel.  Something was terribly wrong with this whole situation.  Thinking back, there hadn't really been a conclusive explanation for Mary's death.  There had been no warning that this was coming.  No illness, no injury, or anything else was ever brought forth to tell them that soon they would be without her.

In the back of his mind, Connor felt a small twinge of fear.  The feeling was not new to him.  For years he had felt this same fear whenever he thought about Mary.  That was the reason he never came to make his peace.  Once the fear started to grow, it spread through him like a virus and plagued him until he immersed himself in something new.  Now it was coming back to him.

He was falling, into darkness in front of him.  It was warm, very warm.  Connor found that his temperature was rising with his fear. 

Suddenly a cool, gentle touch tore him back into reality.  Connor turned quickly to face a warm, welcoming, motherly smile. 

<Mum,> Connor blinked at her.  <How did you know...>

He trailed off there half turned towards her.

<Father Padraig called me and said I should come pick you up to bring you home.> She looked at him sympathetically and glanced up at Mary's tomb. 

<She's been waiting for you,>  Her golden hair glimmered in the dim light and illuminated her pale face.  Those inherited blue eyes shone with a compassion Connor felt he could never obtain as she welled up a bit.

<I know,> Connor looked back to his sister a moment.

His mother watched him and finally sighed.  <Come home for dinner now.  Your father is waiting.>

Connor never minded hearing these words.  His father was a very understanding man.  Whenever Connor had gotten in trouble or needed help with something, his father was ready to oblige.  It was his grandfather that he was more worried about.  Still, his father did have a commanding presence and Connor's nerves tightened.

Smiling, Connor got to his feet and set the barrel aside. 

<Goodbye Mary,> he said at the bottom of the stairs.  <I'll be back another day. >

This was true.  He would make sure that he came back to her another day after he had worked a few things out.  After he had been able to find out what it was that plagued him so about his sister's death and what it was that scared him.

Chapters

2

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Shelby Z. wrote 213 days ago

Stolen Child by Jennifer Sweet.
Creative and very interesting plot idea.
Conner is a deep character struggling with his life that he sees as duel, going back and forth with the same old things.
One thing though that I noticed was that the opener doesn't have much of a beginning, because it dives right into the MC person and life. Perhaps, just an idea mind you, add something like his settings around him or walking into the same old place with dust. Make a setting or an action to catch our attention.
Otherwise your writing flows and develops very well.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Egon R. Tausch wrote 333 days ago

Dear Miss Sweet:

Just finished ch's 1 & 2 of Stolen Child. It is well paced with a slight bit of humor; try to keep that in. But I do have some crits:

Short pitch:
----"...solemn bewail..." -- -- "bewail" is a verb; suggest changing to "bereavement".

Ch 1:
----"He'd begun at a young age..." -- -- suggest change "young" to "early".
----"...to tell him no..." -- -- suggest insert quote marks around "no".
----"Connor kept his hand on..." -- -- suggest move "firmly" to after "hand".
----Like this part about the pillar -- -- very convincing how you have Connor slowly come around to the "guest" at his table.
----"...company than -she" -- -- suggest delete hyphen.
----"...that he smelled." -- -- suggest replace period with question mark.
----Isn't his pseudonym "MacLeod" rather than "MacLoed"?
----"...about that accent somebody might..." -- -- suggest insert "or" after "accent".
----"She neither thin..." suggest insert "was" after "She".
----"...going to fall over again..." -- -- suggest delete "again" -- -- he didn't fall the first time.
----"...from betrayal he sighed and told him." -- -- suggest insert comma after "betrayal", and change "him" to "Seamus".
----"...into the water but he ended up..." -- -- suggest comma after "water", and delete "he".
----"...lay on the deck for a few moments looking up at the stars, he..." -- -- suggest move "looking up at the stars" to after "deck", delete comma after "stars".
----"to come about but..." -- -- suggest insert comma after "about".
----"...didn't see her that way and..." -- -- suggest semi-colon after "way".

ch 2:
----"...the grocery store. As he was walking, he began to think on the..." -- -- suggest insert comma after "store", delete "As he was walking, he began to", and change "think" to "thinking".
----"...taller than she was with..." -- -- suggest insert comma after "she", and delete "was".
----"He was nearing her so...not to look at him." -- -- this sentence is unnecessary and contradictory to paragraph beginning "Connor then made...".
----"...confused look to the woman as..." -- -- suggest delete "to the woman".
----"...he caught glimpse..." -- -- suggest insert "a" after "caught".
----"She walked casually past..." -- -- suggest delete "casually".
----"...looked to her, still showing..." -- -- suggest change "to" to "at", and delete "still".
----"....and painted his new truck..." -- -- painted whose truck?
Is his family farm in Co. Connemara or Co. Donegal?
----Suggest separation between paragraphs "And so it..." and "Seamus entered his..." and between paragraphs "'Tis a great loss..." and "The ocean sparkled...".
----You have several paragraphs and lines with <,> marks. Do you mean them as quote marks? You started off with quote marks; need to decide which to use.
----I like how you keep Mary's identity and death a secret; helps keep up the suspense.

Needs line editing to avoid repetitions and awkward phrasing. There are some unnecessary words, which could be searched and deleted to make your story flow better, and even strengthen it: just, always, very, actually, usual, rather, some/what, also, now, obviously, probably. With a little more care, this can be a very good story.

Regards,
Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

Scott Toney wrote 379 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 15

Jen,

I always love when I return to read more of your book! Things are happening quickly now and Winter is seemingly beginning to be drawn down in to this place... I hurt for her and Connor but know that Winter, Snowberry, and even Connor will find a way out of this and back to the real world, saving the faerie world as well! The scene with the wounded Annachie was intense and the way you write is so vivid, real and alive! I truly do feel a part of your realm as I read.

And my favorite part of the chapter was in the end when the chill descended upon the realm and Winter felt it within her as she went to sleep. Snowberry's experience was wonderful as well and she's beginning to become one of my favorite characters!

This is a wonderful read and I now have to ask you... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE upload more chapters so that I can come back and discover what happens in your book!!! :) I'm looking forward to reading on!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

revteapot wrote 392 days ago

I enjoyed this, Jennifer, it's a good opening chapter.
I only read one chapter because my notes were already quite extensive & I didn't want to write an essay! If you're a glutton for punishment I can do another chapter after I've caught up with some other reading debts, but to may need to prompt me - and I'm not offended if you've had enough ;)

So:
'He'd begun at a young age being one of the youngest professors there.' - you've written 'young' twice in one sentence.
The two paragraphs beginning with 'Connor's interest in fairies' do not, I think, quite make sense. I understand he has to argue for his funding, but I read it twice and couldn't follow the logic. I also didn't understand why the lack of prodding has 'driven' Connor to the bar. I assume it means no prodding because no funding, but it isn't clear. You can't afford to be muddly this early on.
Liked the encounter with Blue Eyes, nice and light.
If Seamus is Irish, I suspect he'd be talking about 'autumn', not 'fall', but I could be wrong. It's worth checking, though.
Your dialogue is very good, very plausible.
The American accent of Blue Eyes is worth mentioning up front. It came as a bit of surprise that Connor's suddenly describing her as American in his recollections on the boat.
You build up the intrigue about Mary well.
The scene with Naimh doesn't work as well as the scenes with Seamus & Blue Eyes. Connor's lack of attraction to Naimh felt a bit laboured, and the dialogue heavy.
' She should get out with the trace of dignity...' The sudden and brief jump to Naimh's POV threw me a bit. Perhaps, 'She thought she should ...'
Does Connor actually put out the cigarette in his hand? Surely you need to mention the pain? It seems very odd to say 'he ... put the cigarette out in his hand. ' If you mean he put out the cigarette he was holding, perhaps you might want to rephrase.

All in all this is a good start with vivid characters and bright dialogue. It just needs a little polishing and you'll have something special here. Thanks for the read.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

revteapot wrote 397 days ago

Hi Jennifer,
You've a good pitch - got my attention - which is it's principal purpose - but your short pitch doesn't seem to connect with the long, which puzzled me.
The long pitch appears a neat précis of the opening plot, though the phrase 'snowy eyed woman' is repeated, I think, too often.

Still, you have my interest. Fancy a read-swap?

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Scott Toney wrote 402 days ago

[Stolen Child} Chapter 14

Jen,

Once again you have a well written chapter on your hands here. Your descriptions make this whole book such an engaging and vivid read and each time I return I find myself immersed in your world. My favorite part of Chapter 14 was that Winter seems to have finally been able to crack (or even break) the spell that Brychan has on Connor. It's great to see him breaking free and confronting Brychan! I also loved how you began the chapter because I find myself so involved in your book when we are back with Connor's Mom and Grandfather.

And the way you ended the chapter was just right, with Annachie and Winter having a passive confrontation and Annachie mentioning the center garden. Something tells me that darkness lurks there for Winter. I can't wait to see how her and Connor overcome what is against them!

Thank you for the always enjoyable return read! Have a fantastic day! I'll be back soon for more!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. I also really like your final lines of the chapter! "A puff of steam where his breath left his lips signaled the coming change of season. As he stepped outside and gazed up, a few of the leaves glittered shades of fall."

Simply fantastic! :) I love the imagry!

Scott Toney wrote 414 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 13

Jen,

This was a wonderful chapter, with tension rising after Winter witnesses the children in chapter 12, and Connor being seemingly drawn further under the spell until Winter faints! I also loved the man in the archives once more! He fascinates me for some reason and I really feel like out of everyone in this fairie world he and Strawberry are the ones she can truly trust. Another part of the chapter that I greatly enjoyed was when Connor discovered his Grandfather's ring on the chain around Winter's neck. What impact will this ring make in time and will the history Winter has been reading about in the library hold any significance to their own lives? I am anxious to find out!

I also really liked the hurling of the fireball at them toward the end. You have a way with words that makes me feel such a part of your world. Thank you so much for the enjoyable read! Soon I'll be on chapter 14 and then I'll be begging you for more! :)

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thanks for the advice about using ! with ALL CAPS. It is helpful and I'll be putting it to use! You also gave me my 400th comment and the really made me smile!

Scott Toney wrote 424 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 12

Jen,

What an intense chapter ending! Connor's interactions with Winter during the chapter were a good read, but once I reached the end of the chapter where Winter sees where the children are my heart was struck in my chest! How horrible to realize that Connor has known about this and is still doing it, even if he is under the spell! Connor seems to be coming around slowly and I'll be excited when he can escape with Winter! I hope that the children will be freed as well. On a side note, Annachie is worse then I thought he was before. What a deviously evil character!

Have a great day!

- Scott

P.s. How are you liking The Ark of Humanity?

Scott Toney wrote 430 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 11

Jen,

I love watching your story unfold! My favorite parts of Chapter 11 were the scene with Connor's parents and the scene with Winter in the archives.

When we go to scene's with Connor's parents I get such a deep longing, yet caring vibe. Scene's with his parents are great sections and we really get a good feel for his background and the deep caring they have for their son.

And the archive scene was well written and thought out. The fae in charge of the archives is a quality character and I am still trying to figgure out if he is good or bad. What role will the story she discovered play in what is happening to her and Connor? I look forward to finding out!

I have one possible crit... In the last paragraph you write
- He was like little fairy she'd met recently.

I missread the sentence the first time. What if you wrote (He was not much like fairy she'd met recently.)

Other then that I really enjoyed the chapter! Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thank you for the help and suggestions for Sift's speech! It is greatly appreciated!

Scott Toney wrote 433 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 10

Jen,

Two things in Chapter 10 really stood out to me. The first was the attack of the shape shifter. Your description of its different forms was fantastic, especially the form it began as, and seeing Winter's struggle with the creature and Connor's defeat of it was awsome! It's fun to read about the different fairy creatures in this land.

I also greatly enjoyed the end of the chapter where Connor kisses Winter after admiring her blue eyes. It was a beautiful scene and I could feel their emotions as I read.

I'll be back soon for more and am anxious to see what Connor and Winter do from here!

Have a fantastic day! I hope you're still enjoying The Ark of Humanity!

- Scott

Scott Toney wrote 435 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 9

Jen,

I had some free time during the day today so I thought that I'd return for another chapter of your book. Once again I really enjoyed the read! As I said last time, I really like this Gan Rail character, and to watch it sneak in to see Winter was a lot of fun to read. I also really liked how the Gan Rail was able to communicate with her without actually talking! Is a Gan Rail something you created for the book or is it a type of fairy from fairy lore before? Either way I really like the character! I also liked seeing Connor second guess eating the berries. I 'm interested to see how he comes out of the hold this place has on him! This is definutely a great read for March and I wish I had more time today to read onward!

Have a wonderful day and thanks again for a enjoyable read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Scott Toney wrote 437 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 8

Jen,

I love the way this story progresses! Your description here is top notch once again and I absolutely loved the scene with the Gan Rail and the brook! What a mischievious little bugger! I love the description of the plants around the Gan Rail as it moves and picturing it as it thought and moved was extremely humorous. It's also interesting to see how Connor is reacting to the control the world seems to have over part of his mind. You can tell that part of him is wanting to break free of that mental hold that's held on him. Winter is also a well thought out character and her personality is wonderful!

And to top the Chapter off, I really enjoyed the ending when the grandfather told Unagh about the saw in the barn. I think one of the things that makes {Stolen Child} such an enjoyable read it the fact that there's a great story and premise here with quality humor interwoven throughout!

Have a wonderful day! It's great to know that you're still really enjoying The Ark of Humanity!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Scott Toney wrote 439 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 7

Jen,

Another great chapter! What I liked best about Chapter 7 was the opportunity to see more of the dynamics between Connor and Winter. I still don't trust Brychan and I'm on the fence about trusting Annachie but I really like the characters and the world you've built up with your descriptions. The fairy land is wonderful to immagine as I read! I don't have a lot of cunstructive criticism for Chapter 7 but it was a great read and I'll be excited to get more time soon to continue!

Thanks again for the great read! It strikes me that this is the perfect read for March, being that St. Patrick's day is coming up, and I'm really glad to have discovered your book!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

P.s. What are you thinking about The Ark of Humanity? Are you still enjoying the read?

Scott Toney wrote 443 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 6

Jen,

It's been a hectic day but I had to make it to {Stolen Child} to do some more enjoyable, relaxing reading. I love Chapter 6, with Winter's introduction into the faerie world, and really enjoyed seeing her come back together with Connor as well! Your description of the mystical world is so vivid (I know I've said this many times) and I feel such a part of things as I read. I also really liked your involvement of the children here. I like learning about the mythology behind things as well. In chapter 6 I am intrigued. What has happened to Connor to make him so at home here? Is he under a spell and are the faeries being devious or are they truly good?

I'm looking forward to returning soon for more. Thanks again for the enjoyable read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. The only real crit that I have is that I had a hard time knowing when the point of view changed from Winter to Connor in the middle of the chapter. Other then that I loved the read and your descriptions are top notch!

Warrick Mayes wrote 443 days ago

Jennifer,

I read the first chapter. Connor is extremely drunk, sulking over his lost job.
The first couple of paragraphs felt a little clunky. I had particular problem with the following sentence "...the stories that most had even forgotten when they were children..."

The narrative then picks up, the reader is treated some splendid visions through our drunken friend, and is startled to find he is visited by a beautiful woman. It would have been nice if you could have written the dialogue with a drunken slur, unintelligible gibberish and inability to concentrate on the conversation. Connor seems able to hold a very straight conversation despite his ninth pint of stout.

There was one drunken word, but it was in the narrative "...and continued his converstation."

The story is enjoyable and the pitch promises some interesting chapters to follow.

I did spot a line that needed some more punctuation "...that he had ever seen before, save for his grandmother’s."

There was another sentence that seems to need another word "She neither thin nor plump..." probably "She was neither thin nor plump..."

Best wishes
Warrick

Scott Toney wrote 445 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 5

Jen,

This may be my favorite chapter yet. I love the introduction to the mystical world beneath the tree! You have such good description here and the introduction of the character Brychan was a pleasure to read! I like your descriptions of his movements, the way he stands with his hand behind his back, and his transformation after Connor eats the food was vivid and awsome to see in my mind. I also like the way you have the world playing with his mind and not reacting in as much of a shocked way as a regular person would be acting.

Then we come to Winter Snow (nice name, by the way) and I was really interested to learn that Connor's mother and grandfather may know what's going on with him and what's been pulling at him. That's a great new dimension to your work and I'm excited to see how Winter joins Connor soon and what this mystical realm will mean for them both!

My only real crit for Chapter 5 is that when we broke from Connor's world and went into Winter's there wasn't much of a space or marking to indicate we were changing locations in the story. I use marks between story separations like that to indicate the change. My choice for The Ark of Humanity was * but there are many symbols you could use if you want.

Also, thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave comments about The Ark of Humanity! I'm glad that you're enjoying the read and your advice is helpful. I'm looking forward to doing a full edit of the book before too long and your advice will be something I'll use a lot while I'm working.

Thanks for a very enjoyable read! This is a fantastic book and I love seeing how the story progresses!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Some advice :) I saw that you were worried about your work being stolen. I've been on Authonomy for 2 years and have never heard of anyone here having that problem but something I was told when I started writing is that you should mail yourself a copy of your work and then not open up the copy, just save it unopened. That way you have proof if someone tries to take your work that you wrote it before the postage date. Your computer also saves when you began working on a document so that would probably work as well. I hope that's helpful! Thanks so much again for the enjoyable read!

Scott Toney wrote 446 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 4

Jen,

Once again, I love the book! Chapter four was done very well, especially when Connor goes to the tree and down into the water. Whose blue eyes are those he's seeing now? Are they Mary's or the girl's that he met and keeps thinking about? The description in this part really made your world easy to delve into for me! I'm excited to get into your book further and to discover who this girl (I'm assuming it's Winter) really is!

Have a fantastic day! Thanks for the enjoyable read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Scott Toney wrote 447 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 3

Jen,

Chapter 3 was a great way to get the story of May's death and what Connor went through that day! I liked you're descriptions of the scene and I was able to visualize your world well again while reading. Your description of Connor going over to Mary's bed while she was dying was one of my favorites and I also really liked witnessing Connor's emotions in the shower at the end. The force at which he turned off the shower was great and really gave me a great sense of his emotions!

I'm trying to think of advice :). I've noticed that instead of quotation marks you use < and >. I would probably change them to quotes, although I don't mind the symbols myself. Also, there are a lot of questions together at the end of Chapter 3. It might read better if a few questions were combined or if some questions were spread out over a few paragraphs. I hope that's helpful.

I'm really enjoying the book and will be back soon for more. Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you're looking for a good cover then I reccomend Bradley Wind. He's on Authonomy and will do a good cover for you for free. He created mine for The Ark of Humanity. He creates it for free and then if you want a larger copy to use in self-publishing later he does charge $100. Below is a link that you can plug in to get to him.

http://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/e90ebb88-948a-4768-b101-70f9e71c71b9/bradley-wind/

Scott Toney wrote 447 days ago

Also, Thank you so much for your backing! It means a lot!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

Scott Toney wrote 447 days ago

{Stolen Child} Chapter 2

Jen,

What a beautiful Irish read! I was even more engrosed in my read in Stolen Child today then I was the first time I was here! I love the semi-romantic connection between Connor and the girl from the bar in the beginning of the chapter and I also was completely enthralled with Connor's return to his hometown and interractions with friends and his priest! And then you really took hold of me when I discovered that the sister he was dreading seeing was dead! I loved your story before this point, but once I read that I knew that I was permanently hooked! I also really liked the mention of the hidden pagan designs in the church. This is a read that I would love to own and be able to read in my library one day... or re-read :) because I'm going to read it through completely on Authonomy first! You have a talented voice.

I'll be back soon for more! I read one chapter at a time and comment on each chapter as I read, and so you're going to have a lot of comment from me. Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. I really appreciate the time you've taken to read in and comment on The Ark of Humanity! It means a lot to me and I greatly respect your opinions because you are a writer who I hold a great opinion of. Your advice about "the, these, this and those" is helpful and I'm looking forward to doing a new round of edits soon with your advice. And I have a question... do you think that the first few chapters of The Ark of Humanity are too descriptive or do you think that the description is just right?

P.p.s. If you end up wanting a copy of The Ark of Humanity I've actually self published it and my other book, Eden Legacy, and they are both available on Amazon.com. I've only uploaded half of TAOH to Authonomy but if you decide that you'd like to read the rest of it online then just let me know and I'll upload the full book for you here.

P.p.p.s. {Stolen Child} is quickly becoming one of my favorite reads on Authonomy!

Rose Princess Kaysielynn wrote 448 days ago

Fi! I'm glad to see this is the one you posted and I can't wait to read the rest of it (I think the last time I saw it, there were only six chapters). Have fun here!

Maevesleibhin wrote 449 days ago

This first chapter is very entertaining. I will read further and leave a proper comment. But you have an engaging, funny introduction to Connor and, of course, the allure of a book about a celtic mythology professor!
More later,
Best,
Maeve
(Mrs Maginnes is Dead
Fresh Meat)

gaiajuliacaesar wrote 449 days ago

{Stolen Child}

Jennifer,

First let me start by saying that I'm honored to be the first to comment on your book! I love the premise of your work and was easily drawn in by your pitches! And your characters are well thought out, with good personalities and wit. The humor you write into your story was something that really advanced the read for me and I liked the part in Chapter 1 where Connor is in the bar and, when asked his name, says that he is Duncan Macloed. :) Very smart! It made me smile! I also like your final paragraph as you end Chapter 1. It's hard to describe, but I like the manner in which you write. I can clearly visualize your world.

I've rated {Stolen Child} 6 out of 6 stars and have added your book to my watchlist so that I can return soon to enjoy more of your book!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you get the chance I'd be honored if you'd take a look at my book, The Ark of Humanity, as well, star it and let me know what you think of the book! Here's the book's pitch.

God flooded the earth to annihilate humanity's sins. What if that sinful race didn't die when floodwaters covered them but instead adapted to breathe water?

P.p.s. Again, Have a wonderful day and welcome to Authonomy! If you have any questions about the site then please feel free to ask!



Thank you so much! Your comment has made my day and helped to dampen the fear that has overwhelmed me since I first started this site! :) As for your book, you had me at talking about the great flood! I love flood stories (Especially Noah's) and so many cultures have a flood myth! I look forward to reading your book. However, when I went in to do so, I was unable to get into the first chapter. I am currently at my niece's birthday party so it may just be God's way of telling me to be sociable! :) Anyway, I am very excited to read yours and I look forward to corresponding with you! Do let me know if you have any comments and such. Especially inconsistencies. But I am always looking for ways to improve myself. All the best! Jen

KirkH wrote 449 days ago

Hi Jennifer and welcome,
I hope you can get a chance to read parts of my college caper crime story that takes place at the Oktoberfest.
Thanks
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Scott Toney wrote 449 days ago

{Stolen Child}

Jennifer,

First let me start by saying that I'm honored to be the first to comment on your book! I love the premise of your work and was easily drawn in by your pitches! And your characters are well thought out, with good personalities and wit. The humor you write into your story was something that really advanced the read for me and I liked the part in Chapter 1 where Connor is in the bar and, when asked his name, says that he is Duncan Macloed. :) Very smart! It made me smile! I also like your final paragraph as you end Chapter 1. It's hard to describe, but I like the manner in which you write. I can clearly visualize your world.

I've rated {Stolen Child} 6 out of 6 stars and have added your book to my watchlist so that I can return soon to enjoy more of your book!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you get the chance I'd be honored if you'd take a look at my book, The Ark of Humanity, as well, star it and let me know what you think of the book! Here's the book's pitch.

God flooded the earth to annihilate humanity's sins. What if that sinful race didn't die when floodwaters covered them but instead adapted to breathe water?

P.p.s. Again, Have a wonderful day and welcome to Authonomy! If you have any questions about the site then please feel free to ask!

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