Book Jacket

 

rank 99
word count 78911
date submitted 25.02.2012
date updated 13.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: universal
complete

Warm-Up Kills

J P Hudson

UNITED STATES LEGISLATORS ARE BEING MURDERED.
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE? WHY?

 

An upbeat party atmosphere sours in an instant when a U. S. Senator is shot dead inches from Bill and April Hamilton at a fund-raising barbeque in Rio Rancho. Shock and horror spreads as other members of Congress are assassinated across the nation. Nothing like this ever happens in America!
Are all U.S. legislators being targeted? If not, what do the murdered ones have in common? How can two Rio Rancho private citizens possibly help? And how is a homeless man called Teacup involved?
As Bill and Freddie start investigating, dangerous events follow. Shots fired in a parking garage. A last ride with a hitman. A bombing at a University. A siege in a panic room.
Why is a shadowy figure named Max acting as stage director behind the scenes?
The final surprising outcome may give you a new take on certain political theories. At the very least you will enjoy the ride as Bill and Freddie unravel the mystery ….

 
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tags

murder, mystery, political drama, suspense

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Chapters

8

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8

    The minute I saw her, something stirred inside.  My weakness for women asserted itself as never before.  She sat in the library, only visible above the top of her desk.  Attractive, but her looks did not set her apart.  It was something else causing my neck to turn hot and sweaty.  What is it about this woman?

    “You must be Marian.  Marian the librarian,” I said stupidly while looking into her doe-like eyes, now completely taken with everything about her; her high cheekbones, her long dark hair, her smiling full lips.

    “The seventy-six trombones will be here soon,” she said.

    I loved her voice, too.

    “Recommend a good novel?”  My approach lines were not improving.

    “The facility is full of them.  What do you like?”

    I knew the question referred to my taste in novels, but, still completely off my game, I blurted out.  “You.  How about lunch?”

    After a brief hesitation, she said, “I have one hour beginning at 11:45.  I’ll meet you at the front entrance.”

    I stuttered, “I’ll see you then,” while exiting.

    I retreated to my car, watching the front door.  My watch said 11:30.  The fifteen minute wait seemed like hours, but she appeared at exactly 11:45.

    “We can go wherever you want,” I said as she entered the car.  “An hour is not much time, so where do you suggest?”

    “Let’s go somewhere nice.  It’s okay if I’m late getting back just this once.”

    We dined at an Italian food restaurant on Southern Avenue; a white linen establishment with good service and good food.  We looked into each other’s eyes as we sat there, both picking at our food, disinterested in eating.  The sparse conversation must have been forgettable, until she said, “I’m not going back to work this afternoon.  Where can we go?”

    “I’m staying at a low class motel,” I said.

    “Always wanted to spend an afternoon in bed in a low class motel,” she said, as she dialed the library on her cell phone to report being too ill to return to work.

    The afternoon with Marian more than met expectations.  I found myself completely enamored with her.  Thoughts of a long-term relationship began almost immediately.  The next few nights together deepened my feelings for her even as I felt myself slipping into a dangerous situation.  I had lost sight of my original reason for meeting her and kept putting off questioning her about the contract on her life.  I also almost forgot to send money to Sidney, but did send it when I finally remembered.

 

    Several years ago, I started to wonder if I might be an alcoholic and attended several A.A. meetings.  When I listened to people telling their stories, I came to some conclusions.  First, it would not be possible for me to tell my story either in the meeting or to a sponsor.  I liked my chosen profession and certainly didn’t want to tell anyone about it and go to jail.  Also, I had no guilt or remorse about my job.  Second, I concluded that my life was not yet out of control and found just listening to them made me able to moderate my drinking.  I learned to recognize the signs of alcoholism and found it easy to avoid drinking to excess.  I also stopped occasionally experimenting with drugs.

    I learned something else useful.  One of the speakers concentrated his talk on the importance of confessing to another human being; part of one of the twelve steps.  He was trying to drive this concept home by exaggeration.  He said, “It doesn’t matter who you tell.  After you are finished, shoot the person dead if you must.”

    I knew this silly statement was not serious.  In fact, it brought laughs from everyone.  But the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  It wasn’t a question of remorse … I had none.  It was an ego trip.  I wanted to tell someone about my successful career.  Bragging, maybe.  Getting recognition, perhaps.

    I began using this technique before disposing of girlfriends who might have found out about my job.  Also, it was useful when I got so involved with a woman it affected my work and she had to be disposed of.  I had already reached that point with Marian.

    I had not questioned her as originally intended.  In effect, I was neglecting my job.  On our fifth night together, I rolled over in the bed after sex, slipped the Kimber from under the mattress and sat up holding it in my lap.

    “Marian, my love, I have some things to tell you.”

    I outlined as much of my career as I could remember, looking into those doe eyes as I spoke.  Near the end, I told her about being hired to shoot the Senator, about killing both the Senator and the young hit man, and about him having been hired to kill Marian.  Astonished at her calm demeanor and knowing smile, I finished up with the question I should have asked that first afternoon.

    “So, why was the young man given a contract on you?”

    “Because I turned them down,” she said without hesitation.

    “You turned who down?”

    “The same people who eventually hired you, I suppose.  The kid must have been working for them.”

    “They asked you to kill the Senator?  Why you?”

    “Because I am a professional, just like you.  I suspected you had been sent to dispose of me because I turned them down.  They told me I had no choice but to accept the job; just like they told you.”

    My gun rested in my lap, but hers was now leveled at me.  All she had to do was squeeze the trigger.  I would have to raise my gun.  Her damn doe eyes had attracted all my attention.  I had not seen the gun until she had it pointed at me.  Now what?

    “You have no chance,” she said.

    “You either.  Before I die, I will put one between those eyes.”

    At an impasse, we both decided to stand down.  She slowly put her gun in her lap and then we both released our weapons and raised our hands.  We were smiling.

    Within seconds, we began making love again.  Being on top, I could see our weapons bouncing on each side of us on the bed, in rhythm with our movements.  The whole scene should have been put to music.

    After the climax and before I collapsed in happy exhaustion, I noticed that the two guns had ended up pointing away from each other toward their respective sides of the bed, and, of course, away from us.  The “us against the world” symbolism was unmistakable.  Marian must have wondered why I was laughing.

 

    The exhilaration I felt to have a real soul mate drove away all my reservations.  I could actually talk to Marian about my business and share ideas with her about how to do our work better.  We decided to be work partners.  If she got hired for a job, I would help her and we would share the proceeds, and vice versa.  We were going to be the best in our chosen profession; far better than either of us working alone. 

    But, the first thing we had to do is find out who hired me (and tried to hire Marian) to kill the Senator, with very little to go on.  We began by driving to the house in which I had been hired.  It turned out to be the same house in which she had turned them down previously.

    The “For Lease” sign told us it had been abandoned by my employer.  It proved easy to break in and look around.  The house was clean and ready to show.  No blood in the kitchen.  No kitchen table.  The house was ready to occupy except for a thin covering of dust on the kitchen counters.  It had been empty for a while.  We searched it carefully anyway, and found nothing.  Now what?

    “Marian, have you ever been suspected by the police?”

    “Yes. Once.  Years ago.  But they lacked evidence and had to let me go.”

    “Somehow, my client has access to police records, whoever he is.”

 

    “Okay, fading to black,” said Marian, after she had answered her throw-away cell phone.  She removed the battery, smashed the phone under a high heel, and smiled at me as she stuffed the pieces into a paper bag.

    “Was that the go-ahead call?” I asked.

    “Of course.  This is the job I have been expecting.  It has to be today.  I’m glad I called in sick this morning.”

    The “now what” had been established.  Today, we would collaborate on our first job.

    I closed the door of the lease house and we climbed into my old car.  She gave me directions to the apartment complex located in Albuquerque near Rio Rancho.  We parked in the parking lot where she explained the set-up.  “The apartment is on the second floor.  There are stairs and an elevator.  The target works nights and will be sleeping.  No security cameras and we’ll pass no windows walking to the outside door.”

    “Is this the best place or should we wait for him to leave for work tonight?”

    “The parking lot is brightly lit up at night and there are a lot of people coming and going.  The lot is the only one for the whole complex.  The second floor hallway only accesses six apartments.  Each individual building only has a few apartments on each of the three floors.  There will be potentially fewer people in this hallway than anywhere else he’ll be today.  There are only adults living on this floor, and everyone is at work this time of day.  It’s now or never.”

    “How do we get in?”

    “My client, the target’s wife, provided me with a key card,” she said as she donned a frumpy jacket and a wig.  I wore a different color T-shirt and baseball cap than usual.

    “Okay, let’s go.”

    We used the key card to gain access to the apartment block, and rode the elevator to the second floor, after making sure there would be no other riders.  The hallway was also empty.  There were no cameras, as Marian had said earlier.

    “I’ll hold the elevator door open and keep an eye on the top of the stairway.  I can see it clearly from here.  If anyone appears there, I’ll shoot.  Be quick,” I said.

    Marian walked quickly to the room door, opened it with her key card, entered and exited within seconds.

    “Let’s go,” she said.  “He’s dead.”

    “Great work,” I said as we rode the elevator down.

    In the car, she removed her wig and ugly jacket and asked me to stop at a dumpster, where she disposed of them.  We drove straight back to the motel, and, caught up in mutual passion, fell onto the bed.  The sex was unbelievable.  I was so proud of her and so happy to be with her.

Afterwards we lay in bed talking.  “I wish I had a job lined up right now.  It’s my turn to bring us work,” I said.

    “Don’t think like that.  It’s not a matter of taking turns getting hired.  Together, we’ll have plenty of work.  You could get three in a row any time.  Especially if you keep working for your present employer.  He said he would keep you busy, didn’t he?”

    “Yeah, but he sent an amateur to kill me, instead.  You know, the one who told me that you were next on his list.  Of course, I disposed of him.  But I’ll always be grateful he led me to you.”

    “You’re really sweet for a killer,” she said, smiling.  “We both owe him a debt of gratitude.  But, we must be getting back to work.”

 

    Using another throwaway, she punched in a number and said one word, “money,” listened and replied “going black.”  Another cell phone bit the dust.

    “Will she be there?”

    “Yes.”

    “Do you trust her?”

    “No.  Will you shoot her?  I want to watch.”

    So, we proceeded to the meet that night.  I stepped out of the shadows after Marian got the money and gave me the thumbs up, and I shot the client in her torso a little off center so Marian could watch the light slowly fade from her eyes as she took a while to die.  I took the rest of the money from her handbag.  We disposed of the body and went back to the motel for another round of passionate sex.  Life was wonderful.

 

    The next morning, I took Marian to work and then went to the young man’s dorm room to see if leads could be found there.  I learned nothing from his roommate.  Another dead end.  I then took Marian to lunch, and afterwards, I spent the afternoon searching the internet at the library, trying to learn more about Senator Rose Gomez and her political interests and connections.  Much of it was over my head; I’m not a political animal, but I did learn that she had been a conservative republican who stood against most liberal policies.

    When Marian was off work and ready to go back to the motel, I told her to go ahead to the car while I stopped at the men’s room.  That stop saved my life.

    When I exited the library, Marian lay on the pavement.  I rushed to her and determined immediately that there was no life in those beautiful eyes.  For the first time in my life I felt what loved ones surviving my victims must have felt.  Marian had been shot only seconds before I saw her lying there.  Since I remained a target, we both would have been shot if I had stepped out that library door a little sooner.  The shooter had disappeared.

    I have never exhibited a strong character.  Always ran away from any kind of trouble.  Didn’t really believe in anything.  But a cold determination now fell over me.  Vengeance would be mine, come hell or high water.

Chapters

8

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NicolaHoppe wrote 65 days ago

"Warm-Up Kills" is one of the best thrillers I have read on this site. I was hooked from page one and couldn't let go. The book is well written, fast-paced and humorous with an unforeseeable end. Bill and Freddie are believable and easy to warm to. Max is the perfect, ice-cold, psychopathic killer who feels no remorse - until the death of someone he loved makes him feel something other than pride in his work.

The pitch promised: "At the very least you will enjoy the ride as Bill and Freddie unravel the mystery." Bang on.

I'm wishing you the very best of luck to get this onto a shelf in a book store, Jack, because that's where it belongs. You're backed and high-starred.

All the best,
Nicola
"The Burden of the Badge"

Tracey K wrote 79 days ago

Hi, JP!

It took me a while, because I read the whole thing. I was hooked from page one! Excellent writing, I can totally imagine this on a shelf in a books store. It felt like I was reading a book just like a real one I would buy. I wish you so much good luck with this book! It has the potential to be a great success if you can get that "break" you deserve. =D

Chris 1 wrote 79 days ago

Wow. what a story. You get straight into it and the first person narrative works really well. I like the coldness of this guy's profession and the way he's living right out there on the edge. The writing is well-honed and hard as a diamond. I like his preoccupation with his expertise and knowledge, his single-mindedness, like a professional killer would be.

Great stuff and I'm backing it and reading on - a Magnum on my bedside just in case, you understand.

Ben Dikko wrote 150 days ago

Jack,

You`ve committed a crime analogous to sacrilege. Your sin being: keeping me awake all night; till the wee hours of night reading ‘Warm-Up Kills’. How do you expect someone to start reading this novel, and stop in mid-flight? If your book ain`t C-4, then nothing is.

The depth of the story; the pace; the quality and setting, just superb. You`ve completely blown my mind. When I first came onto this forum; I had no idea I would encounter such priceless gems like yours. You`re one hell of a writer JP Hudson!

Any publisher rejecting this book would have to be off their tripods; …

catryntx wrote 166 days ago

High Starts. Besides being one of the best I've read on the sight, it is a true thriller. It's sociopath mc kept me going. More comments later, JP, Good job! Catherine Wooldridge/Disappearing in Elmendorf, Texas

halliwell4 wrote 8 hours ago

a little confused in chap 11--several new characters introduced (lottie, willie, and charles) couldn't really place who they were and what their importance to the story was--maybe that will be revealed later, but reading this chap i found myself asking "who are these people and what's their signifigance to anyone else in the story right now?" i had really gotten into it with Max killing the senator and setting up teacup for the fall and max and mariann the librarian becoming contract killing partners and lovers. then, suddenly, we don't hear anything about max in chap 10 or 11 and we're suddenly thrown all these new people...just a little too much all over the map for me...but my curiousity as to what will happen to max is driving me to read on.
Erin

halliwell4 wrote 1 day ago

like other comments here--i was intrigued by the first line--"I am a killer" before i got to the next sentence, i was already wondering, "is this a confession?" "Is it a statement by an insane serial killer?" made me want to read on--and then when i found out he was a contracted killer....made me want to read further on. at first was confused of the background of some of the party guests--why would we need to know who they are? but as you go a little further, you find out that one guest--bill is asked to help in the investigation---which he apparently has done before. was also a little confused about that...would the police ask a citizen to help investigate a killing just because they were a guest at the location where it happened? the police would ask questions and want to know all they know, sure--but would they really ask for assistance? especially when it's mentioned that the FBI would now be involved because the victim was a US Senator? kind of sounds like the set up in the tv show "Castle" where a mystery writer helps the police and goes out on calls to help solve crimes.
did find it interesting when Frank is asking about the homeless guy that was found by the fence with the gun. "he hurt his head by falling backward onto his backback and his head hit the pavement yet the teacup didn't break? that doesn't add up" Brilliant! and the part about that there was no car left, but there was tire tracks that turned around and going around the chain? you would've thought that a now experienced contracted killer would've thought out all the little details like that. or having to wipe off his fingerprints on the gun before putting it down by the homeless guy--wouldn't he have worn gloves? and where would a homeless guy pick up special and fancy gun like that?
i'm not saying that as the writer YOU didn't think this through--i think you put those flaws in intentionally, I think that the killer, Max didn't think things through. though i'm only in chap 4--maybe more will be brought into light in future chapters. a lot of detail, though so far and i'm already curious as to what's going to happen to Max...will he get caught? will his new clients kill him if they find out it wasn't a "clean" hit and the feds are asking too many questions because the facts don't add up? cant't wait to read more! Nice job!!
Erin

Gary Bullock wrote 5 days ago

You had me at "I am a killer."

Nadina M. Ashwood wrote 5 days ago

After 13 chapters I have, I think, all of the pertinent pieces of the puzzle; it is a twisted puzzle. We know that there is a professional assassin, Max. We know that there are less professional hit-men. We know there are assassinated senators and more. We know that there are industrial millionaires and lobbyists with specific agendas. We know that there are professional investigators in a local police force and the FBI. We know that there are free-lance, amateur detectives.

It's the every-man nature of these average-Joe detectives with their families, regular day jobs and down to earth practicality that put the pieces together. It's not the muscle and high-tech gadgetry of super FBI sleuths that bring us in and whittle away the confusion revealing the truths and consequences. It's the level-headed, piece-working men who sit around the coffee table burning grey matter to solve the crime. Yes, they pound pavement and do the footwork necessary to unearth those pieces and then look inside the box, outside the box, and at each part of the box to figure it out.

Upon first appearance, Max, a hired gunman, seems to be the main character. He has his own story and his own part in the big picture, but Bill and Freddie are the brains of this brain-teaser. They are the fact finders that put this puzzle together.

The characters and story are interesting and entertaining. Much of the writing is terse first person and unapologetic. The balance is a descriptive story telling narrative that helps the plot to unfold as more wrinkles are revealed for our main characters to iron out. Much of the story is hinted at in the beginning; you must read on to get a real gist of the tangled web and the extent of the intrigue.

Reading on . . .
Nadina M. Ashwood
Pretty Penny

mitch58 wrote 16 days ago

I had to read this from beginning to end in one sitting ... great job JP. Loved it

J Michelson
DEADLY DAYNE

jsault2003 wrote 21 days ago

Chapter One

I like the way the first sentence reaches out and grabs you.

It’s a pleasure to read the work of a writer who knows how to apply the technical aspects of writing as well as the creative parts. Makes reading your writing a very easy experience.

I remained totally lacking in ambition…Use a semi-colon here to separate two independent clauses.

Even then, (I would have to…)

She had money (,) and I…

Love the twist you put in there when after killing the husband, he killed the wife who solicited his services to kill her husband.

I drove my ancient Ford directly to a filling station. This sentence should come after the details of his release from jail. Keep sequence of events in mind.

“Who are you? How did you find me?” I asked. Should be… “Who are you,” I asked. “How did you find me?” Give attribution between two sentences spoken by the same character.

Use three asterisks (***) centered in the middle of the page to indicate a change of scenes.

Nice touch of suspense when the main character is approached for a job after his release from jail and the other man knows more about him then he does about his potential employer.

Very good first chapter in the way it draws the reader in with the desire to want to know more.

Chapter Two

…protection for the Senator. Do not capitalize “Senator” here.

Good chapter. The background information allows the reader insight as to how the main character thinks and acts.

Chapter Three

Why not? I thought. This entire paragraph threw me off, made me go back to see if there was something I missed that justified the paragraph being there, but I found no such justification.
There has been no relationship displayed between the old beggar and the main character to allow a smooth transition into this paragraph. It was like slamming into a brick wall. Not only did you stop my forward progress in reading the novel, you made me go backward. This is not the effect you want.

The scene with Teacup in the backseat is highly unlikely for several reasons. The MC (main character) would be taking the unwanted risk of being discovered from the time he hit Teacup over the head and then returned with his car. He’s taking careful measures not to draw attention to himself and this Teacup sequence would seem to defeat that purpose.

Even if he succeeds with getting Teacup to the scene and depositing his body where it would be discovered, upon medical examination, it would be discovered that the injury Teacup got when the MC incapacitated him, is not the type of wound one would receive if they strike their head against an object.

Even forgetting the two previous points, is Teacup even qualified to perform the type of crime the MC is preparing him to take the fall for?

Still, I thought this was a good read.

Frank Talaber wrote 24 days ago

I got to admit that I don't like Max and as a main character and have no use for him. But that means you've done your job as a writer very well. Sometimes I think it's easier to writer about someone nice and cuddly than a sadistic murderer. Still wouldn't buy this book because of who this guy is. Overall brilliant writing, throws me right into the story with no preamble. Written as if put to paper by a true cold hearted killer. For that reason alone I've highly starred the book.
Frank

tim templer wrote 29 days ago

Hi Jack i dont know what happened why i never look at your work. Its such an interesting thriller and enjoyed the read from the start. Wish you the best of luck. You're on my WL and and backing the book as well.

Regards

Tim Templer

The Journey

Bookworm110 wrote 30 days ago

Hi Jack,

I loved the development of Max. After 4 chapters, the only suggestion I have is a little more character development in your supporting characters. Maybe a little more description in the scenes like the gas station scene, what happened with teacup, the cars etc. Otherwise a great read. The story line is fast with plenty of dialogue. You definitely have a hit here!


Kathy
The Final Beginning


Leslie Rocker wrote 46 days ago

Hi: I am happy to back this book because it is well written, pacey and has interesting ideas and characters.
As I have said before, however, I am uneasy at the mixture of first and second persons. Opening chapters gave me what sympathy it is possible to have for a professional killer and I was prepared to go along with his story, particularly as the details of his work had a realism about them. I was disappointed when the librarian died as I thought we were going to have a kind of Bonny and Clyde situation. I could envisage it developing as did a recent film I watched with George Clooney, in which he plays a bank robber falling in love with a law-enforcement officer.
Then the style changed and I found I was in a fairly routine thriller. The central character changed, ending even with Teacup. I lost some interest, but fast-read to the end.
For me there are a number of ways round what are to me problems with the book:
1. You could make the whole thing first person, maintaining the interest with him perhaps working with his love until the end when they might both die.
2. He links up with the forces of law and order to defeat a greater enemy, again perhaps with his love dying later in the story, thus giving him a stronger revenge motive.
3. The first person stuff is "formalised", included in a prologue, segregated passages throughout and an epilogue at the end, perhaps identified at some stage as a "confession", which I gather he does already provide.
I don't know if this is any help. It is, after all, only one voice among many.
I do, anyway, wish you luck with it.
I am, incidentally, taking my Shakespeare book off and replacing it with what I call my "anti-Harry Potter" short stories.
Leslie Rocker

Janet/Helen wrote 56 days ago

Warm-Up Kills. Ch 1 to 4.

I like a good crime thriller, Lee Child, etc. and this one has got me reading. Fast, even pace, good characters (in the believable sense) and a good story unfolding. No errors that I could see, but one thing that struck me as I read. When Max shoots the Senator and puts the gun in Teacup's hand, he wipes his fingerprints off first. Would a calculating hitman not have cleaned the gun first and worn latex or similar gloves when doing the shooting to avoid any fingerprints. It sounded clumsy that he had to clean the gun on site and then - how did he avoid fingerprints as he put the gun into Teacup's hand? Did he clean it again? The cleaning of the gun would have eaten up precious seconds. Only a small point but something which made me hesitate as I read.
An excellent opening 4 chapters. High stars for now and I will return to read on and see where this goes. Janet

Janet/Helen
The Stranger In My Life

Grafton wrote 62 days ago

Overall good beginning-good hook. It's an interesting plot that provides a good story question, I like it. You do a good job with the character development and adding conflict. I can't find much to critique, high stars- Mark.

NicolaHoppe wrote 65 days ago

"Warm-Up Kills" is one of the best thrillers I have read on this site. I was hooked from page one and couldn't let go. The book is well written, fast-paced and humorous with an unforeseeable end. Bill and Freddie are believable and easy to warm to. Max is the perfect, ice-cold, psychopathic killer who feels no remorse - until the death of someone he loved makes him feel something other than pride in his work.

The pitch promised: "At the very least you will enjoy the ride as Bill and Freddie unravel the mystery." Bang on.

I'm wishing you the very best of luck to get this onto a shelf in a book store, Jack, because that's where it belongs. You're backed and high-starred.

All the best,
Nicola
"The Burden of the Badge"

NicolaHoppe wrote 79 days ago

Hi Jack, I've only just started with your first chapter but I will definitely read more of it. You go straight into action and kept me hooked throughout the entire chapter. Your writing comes natural and, through the use of first person singular, personal. I absolutely give you high stars.

Nicola Hoppe
"The Burden of the Badge"

Chris 1 wrote 79 days ago

Wow. what a story. You get straight into it and the first person narrative works really well. I like the coldness of this guy's profession and the way he's living right out there on the edge. The writing is well-honed and hard as a diamond. I like his preoccupation with his expertise and knowledge, his single-mindedness, like a professional killer would be.

Great stuff and I'm backing it and reading on - a Magnum on my bedside just in case, you understand.

Tracey K wrote 79 days ago

Hi, JP!

It took me a while, because I read the whole thing. I was hooked from page one! Excellent writing, I can totally imagine this on a shelf in a books store. It felt like I was reading a book just like a real one I would buy. I wish you so much good luck with this book! It has the potential to be a great success if you can get that "break" you deserve. =D

Martin2678 wrote 87 days ago

Nice work. I usually only read a few chapters, but found myself reading on. Great job!

Lyn4ny wrote 90 days ago

Wonderfully written. I love this one. Can't find any faults in it. The characterization is great. Easy flow-great storyline. I wish I had more time to go further right now, as i only read chapter one here. I will get back to it soon. Enough said- Excellent Story! High Stars from me and I will soon be adding you to my Bookshelf, once i make room. It remains on my WL for now. Thanks for sharing this one!

-Lyn
Forty-Four Footprints Following Me
-Surviving Manic Depression-My Story & The Real Truth on Managing It

DB Stephens wrote 91 days ago

JP,

I wanted to comment on chapter one while it was still fresh in my mind. I think you have a very easy to read style that has mostly good flow and keeps the reader entertained. There were a few points that didn't work for me, however.

The first part of chapter one would have been better served to have been introduced as the "Prologue" because that was really what it was (in my opinion). I'm not sure why one little word can set the expectation for the reader, but it does. It hindered my ability to "get into" the story because I was set to start the journey and had to read about the preparation first.

I think that this chapter (and perhaps others, as I read on) would benefit from a few "he said this or Max said that" additions to your conversations. I sometimes had to start a lengthy bit of dialog over again to figure out who was talking. Not something you want your readers to have to do. You should also take the opportunity to give a little commentary on facial expressions or body language that help set the scene.

The scene at the gas station was a bit confusing to me. The conversation with Sidney seems to start out as sort of a flash back and then merges into the present. I had to go back and reread that as well to see why it didn't make sense.

I saw 2 missing quotation marks, but other than that the grammer worked for me (warning: no expert here!).

My comments are meant to help, if possible. Take from them what you will. I'm just another keyboard hack trying to get a book published!

I'll comment on chapter 2 when I get more time.

DB

a.m.hunter wrote 102 days ago

Well, it didn't take long to go from my watch list to my shelf. I am thoroughly enjoying your work. I honestly can not wait to finish your novel. I will leave a review once I have read it all. For now, very high stars!

A.M. Hunter

a.m.hunter wrote 105 days ago

I am intrigued. I am placing you on my watch list. As I find the time between my flu riddled children I will read and comment. Thank you for the invitation to do so. I look forward to what is sure to be a true thriller!

A.M. Hunter

The Final Possession
They All Fall Down

Anthony Amor wrote 109 days ago

Well Jack, what can i say that already hasn't already been said. This is gripping, masterful stuff. Had i more time i feel i could read it all in one sitting. Great fast paced writing, darkly comic. Very highly starred
Anthony Amor
A Long Way From Home

eddie mccann wrote 112 days ago

Dear Jack,

I absolutely loved this novel, very well written with plenty of action. I will certainly recommend it to my friends. Top stars well done.

Regards
Eddie McCann - Paper Doll

Brian Bandell wrote 114 days ago

Great writing here. You capitvating my attention. Yes, your lead character is a bad dude, but something about his personality makes him interesting. He'd cold blooded, but wounded inside.

Given that he lost his parents when he was young, does he ever think about the children left behind after he kills people?

Good attention to detail in getting him a new car.

Chapter 2 ends in a weird spot. It doesn't feel right. Give it a capper.

I like how the assassination of the Senator leaves us with doubt about whether the jogger will identify him.

Well done. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Famous After Death / Mute

Andy M. Potter wrote 116 days ago

Hi JP, great start. solid pace. i like where you're taking the story. love the immediacy of M's first-person POV. starred and shelved.

i have a few very, very minor editing ideas. pls take with a grain.

maybe avoid use of ''totally' twice in first few paras.

'suitable for his talents' - made me wonder: what were they?

maybe 'Help A Hungry Homeless Vet' is enough for the sign

'... can make it dangerous for me." - maybe just '...make it dangerous.'



best wishes, a

Nel wrote 122 days ago

Hi Jack - I've really enjoyed this. I like the characters you've created. They seem credible and real even if some of them aren't very nice people. The way you write is very easy to read and you build up suspense very well and make me want to continue reading. I've not read the whole thing as yet, but dipped in to various chapters. I would very much recommend this as a good read and I'm very happy to back it.

R.E. Ader wrote 128 days ago

Good start, remains on WL.

Truth One Note In wrote 131 days ago

Suspenseful.
Good development with pacing. I am pleased with the speed you have set.
Things are hopping always.
Perspective is well balanced with plot and characters.
The whole political end is just okay. To me it took something away.
Teacup is a creative personality.
Toni [Cavern of Time]

aw.daniels wrote 135 days ago

Oh, one more thing JP:

One senator down, 99 to go if we want to fix this fiscal cliff/debt ceiling/budget group of problems.

AW Daniels
Genetically Privileged

aw.daniels wrote 135 days ago

Quite an interesting read Jack:
Sorry to see Marian go so early, that would have been a nice collaboration. But that's how assassin's roll I guess.

From what I can tell the population of Rio Rancho is going to drop quickly so I'll bet you'll have him moving around a bit.

Very entertaining read! I'll watchlist it so I can finish what you've started.

Aw Daniels
Genetically Privileged

rsunseri wrote 135 days ago

Jack,

Terrific stuff here. The pace is terrific from the start. I love the beady eyed man who hires Max in the begining, and the mystique of the group he represents. I also enjoyed the humor you have riddled throughout, including the conversation between the couple at the police station in the jogging suits. Max is great in the first three chapters, and you describe his thought process well.

The conversations are sharp and to the point. The book does not seem to skip a beat. Keep pushing this novel, it's destined to make it. It has earned a spot on my shelf. I am new to the site, and have read several books already. This is one of my favorites.

Sincerely,
Ryan

Seringapatam wrote 138 days ago

Hiya Jack. Wow. Very gripping and well written. It had me hooked and I didnt want to walk away from it. I think this is really pacey and sharp. I can only see good things for this book, but you need to push it all the way to the top. I congratulate you for it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)....Please consider me for a read or Watch List. Happy New Year. Sean

RaithebC wrote 139 days ago

Hi Jack.

I liked the story and the style and I'm sure you will get this published. My only comment, which will put me out there on my own, is that I nearly put the book down as I read the first page. In 8 paragraphs we are introduced to the main character, find out what he looks like and an almost unbeleivable story about how he got started in the killing game. It reads like a list. I think if you looked again at the first page you could make it a little stronger by spending a lot more time on a more detailed descriptive piece, not just about how he looks or his first 'job' but what makes him tick. I do like this book, I think it has great potential. I have not had the opportunity to read your other work but taking someone else's comment it appears you are getting better each time you put finger to keyboard. I wish you great success and give big stars.

Raithe
The Trojan Towers

Ben Dikko wrote 150 days ago

Jack,

You`ve committed a crime analogous to sacrilege. Your sin being: keeping me awake all night; till the wee hours of night reading ‘Warm-Up Kills’. How do you expect someone to start reading this novel, and stop in mid-flight? If your book ain`t C-4, then nothing is.

The depth of the story; the pace; the quality and setting, just superb. You`ve completely blown my mind. When I first came onto this forum; I had no idea I would encounter such priceless gems like yours. You`re one hell of a writer JP Hudson!

Any publisher rejecting this book would have to be off their tripods; …

Neil Peters wrote 152 days ago

Great book & story with a couple of twists and turns to keep the reader entwined. Very well written, only wanted to read a few chapters but ended up reading it all, and must say a very enjoyable read, this will do very well, it gets a 6-star rating from me,

Regards Neil

Tarzan For Real wrote 155 days ago

Jack I'm going to recommend the Jack Reacher novels by Lee Child to you. Every time I read your stuff I hear influences of Lee Child in this. That's a great thing because he's a great writer.

And so are you.

Pace and tension are well done in this and the characters are quite appealing. You seem to get better with each book J & P so keep at it.

Highly starred, easily backed, and I will be coming back to read more. Now I'm back to "One Shot" and wriitng an intro to "Mary Wept" that has been giving me quite "The Exorcist" level nightmare.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou", "The Wings of the Seraph" & "Shadow Ghosts of the Moonlight"

emzie wrote 157 days ago

well written and gripping. Thrillers not usually my thing only read first chapter so far but high hopes for the rest.

emzie wrote 157 days ago

well written and gripping. Thrillers not usually my thing only read first chapter so far but high hopes for the rest.

Andrea Taylor wrote 160 days ago

Really good start! How can anyone fail to read on when the book begins with 'I am a killer?' And getting people to read on is the first job of a book, otherwise what's the point?
But is doesn't stop there. Well written, a strong lead character and an interesting premise. No problem backing this!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

PLMcMillan wrote 160 days ago

I checked out your piece; Warm up Kills.

Great starting chapter, really fast paced and gives the reader just enough to know what kind of person Max is and a little of his background. I don’t know if there was a previously book about Max before this one but the information you provided allows the reader to not be out in the cold if they haven’t read any previous books (like me).
Max’s character is clear cut and likable, you make his character and background very believable right away, which is definitely valuable when you have a story like this.
CH2: “Now that I had an arrest record, the police would suspect me right away unless they had someone else to suspect.” I think it’s better to avoid using the same words over and over again like ‘suspect’, maybe you could substitute the 2nd one for ‘pin it on’?
In Ch1, I would say that maybe it isn’t necessary to describe all the types of clothing he wears, I think that saying that he dressed to stay inconspicuous is enough to give the reader the idea.
But anyway, great read so far and high stars.

- Pamela

catryntx wrote 166 days ago

High Starts. Besides being one of the best I've read on the sight, it is a true thriller. It's sociopath mc kept me going. More comments later, JP, Good job! Catherine Wooldridge/Disappearing in Elmendorf, Texas

Rob Lawrence wrote 166 days ago

Hi Jack.
I enjoyed the read - well written and well constructed.
Rob

pippa shields wrote 171 days ago

Excellent opening. We love thrillers and Max promises to be an intriguing character - love the matter-of-fact way he relates killing non-combatants, especially his women, on the chance they could betray him. Should be disturbing but for Max's off-centre psychotic charm - he's operating and surviving in a very singular world. One of our favourite heroes is Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer and the directness of the writing reminds us of that. Great stuff, hugely enjoyable. We just added it to the bookshelf.
Philippa Gray and Alan Shields.

fictionguy8 wrote 172 days ago

I read the first chapter. Good matter-of-fact account of a contract killer, which is how her would look at it. I think it moves well. However, you may have a problem getting people to lioke him and he is the main character. Of course I don't know where the story is going and I will try to read more when I get time. But so far, five stars.

CatherineM wrote 175 days ago

Hi, Jack and Pat.

This is a return review. I have read the first two chapters of Warm-Up Kills. Sounds like a great setup for an interesting story. I like the sociopathic narrator concept, and although I hope he has some competing good qualities that surface as the story progresses, I think that the bad seed protagonist is a good device.

Max's voice seems a little stiff to me, but I want to make allowance for his being an unusual character. It reminds me a little bit of the precocious child who narrates "True Grit;" a polished voice that jars with the image of the character. However, it seems that the formality of voice isn't reserved just for our evil hero, and even in Max's case, it doesn't sit quite right with me. Some examples:

"Women love me.  The image in my mirror has always told me I’m good-looking.   I sometimes linger in admiration when washing my face, shaving, or drying myself after showering.  I have blue eyes and regular features and could have been a movie star, I reckon.  My wavy auburn hair is an especially valuable asset." OK, I can definitely picture the guy gazing at himself, but would he be self-aware enough to admit it, even to himself? And would he really describe himself in that way? Maybe put the superlatives in a repeated compliment, as in, "Women love me. They tell me I could have been a movie star. They gush over my hair/eyes/etc..."

Having a little trouble believing this bit of dialog:

    “Max, I don’t like threats.  I’ll never rat on you.” [second sentence sounds kind of pleading or hurt, first sentence sounds tough]

    “I don’t like threats either.  This is just to make things clear.  I’ll miss you starting today, but if you die soon, I’ll not miss you any worse.

    “By the way, I will send you some money when I get some to cover you holding my car for me.  Also, the cops took everything out of it and didn’t return my fake driver’s licenses and ID’s.  Bastards.  I’ll have to replace all that stuff.

    “Well, goodbye Sidney.” [wouldn't usually let a character go on for three paragraphs without some back and forth in a dialog. Shouldn't there be some grunts, at least, in reply?]

Chapter two:

"Not a new car, a low mileage late model.  But it will be yours.  You’ll also be given a weapon.” Seems to me that the speaker would either a) lie -- yes, a new car, irritating Max later when he realizes it, or b) abbreviate that reply gruffly -- "low mileage, anyhow. You complaining?"

I know that voice is so subjective to pick on, and I'm sure I don't nail it like I would like, but it is so, so important to me as a reader, determining whether I will like, trust, or follow the characters to the end. For my money, this is the biggest area that needs work in your book. Hope that is helpful!

Thanks for backing Nickel Ridge. It is kind of you!


Catherine Morgan
Nickel Ridge

Liinsa Hines wrote 181 days ago

I am Really surprised to read such marvel of a Book. A beautifully paced one that increases the BP with every twist. The story took off from the first chapter wherein the Killer is introduced. I was expecting such pace in mine one too (but alas! I need to learn that art, may be in future).
Full of energy and thrill, that is going to twirl the reader through suspense and intrigue.
Nicely written. All the best.

Liinsa Hines
Behind the Revolutions- An Untold Tale

Jue Shaw wrote 181 days ago

I don't normally respond to spam requests but today I had some free time and decided to dip into something new. I'm so pleased I did. Your first paragraph was excellent! Just exactly the kind of thing that will pique the interest of readers and potential agents. Reading on I see you are an accomplished writing team, really skilled in the concept of suspense writing. Really great effort, honestly, this should do extremely well on here with the right marketing, and I do hope you have it out on submissions. If not you are missing a trick. Well done.

Jue Shaw wrote 181 days ago

I don't normally respond to spam requests but today I had some free time and decided to dip into something new. I'm so pleased I did. Your first paragraph was excellent! Just exactly the kind of thing that will pique the interest of readers and potential agents. Reading on I see you are an accomplished writing team, really skilled in the concept of suspense writing. Really great effort, honestly, this should do extremely well on here with the right marketing, and I do hope you have it out on submissions. If not you are missing a trick. Well done.

Jackie McLean wrote 184 days ago

Oh, I am loving this book! I had intended to have a read at the first one or two chapters, but I'm currently on chapter 13 and can't stop reading! You have introduced your killer very well - made him unlikeable, but made him human as well, so that I need to know what's happening to him. You've done well to give plenty of depth to your characters and surrounds while moving the plot and surprises along in the right places. High stars and it's on my book shelf!

Baltasar wrote 185 days ago

Welcome to your world. Hello, Max! I like you as much as I dislike you what you have chosen for yourself: Killer! This was a very vivid introduction to your world. Thank you for the chance to read a bit.

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