The Metal Throne

Sarah,
I checked out your novels, I wanted to back the first one; unfortunately, it was locked so I backed The Metal Throne. Another fine book. If you could take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing, your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

The Metal Throne/Sarah Parish
I've read everything you've posted and as this is the second time I'm trying to upload a comment, I hope you actually receive it. I feel that you evoked very strong negative feelings in me, the reader for certain members of the medical profession, who right from the start, put Molly in a place of darkness, where even her life worn mother didn't really believe that Molly could be helped. Bless her father for seeing something there in Molly. Molly herself is a tragic character, but you really describe her thoughts and feelings so well throughout the chapters. I think you have the makings of an excellent book here. Your dialogue is very believable and your descriptions good. I felt that you perhaps gave us too much detail about the nurse's feelings about the poor Irish couple and the way they interpreted their faith. You could perhaps tighten this up a bit. We got the point. :-)
I hope your book does well and for what you've posted thus far I gladly give FIVE big stars.
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

First, Sarah, I want to thank you for backing "Call Home the Child," a complete novel that's been neglected here because it was displayed in second position, beneath "The Doctor of Summitville," now in review. I hope you'll enjoy the story of Penny and her botched adoption,

Next I'd like to convey the strong promise I see in "The Metal Throne"--in the characters, the writing, and the story itself. The comments you've received contain much good advice, and I'll largely be repeating if I go into detail. Others have seen, as I do, the talent here.

One further thought, though, might be helpful. Be precise. For example, you told us that Rosemary noted that the spark had burned her cardigan, but in the last paragraph of Chapter 1 you say the spark was a warning "but there was no one to heed it." I think I see what you mean, but this sounds like a contradiction. There's also the question whether toxic gasses from a log should even be mentioned in light of an unnoticed burning rug. And I know you'll want to delete "the" from "it was aflame and the," a mere typo. My point is that minor errors can mar a fine piece of writing. Think about every word. --Thanks again and best wishes, Bill

Hi Paul,

Thanks so much for your comments - they're extremely useful and I do want to go back and make changes to structure and point of view. I find it difficult to write in a linear fashion and so this short section of writing is very much an experiment in order to work out what I'd like to do with it, see which way it is taking me and to find out what kind of response I might get from the general public. So, I'm sorry it is a bit bewildering - I should take it down really - but I will rewrite it eventually. I just don't have any time to do so at the moment.

Like I said though - thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read it; they're invaluable and I will certainly come back to them when I do a rewrite. It's clear that you know your craft well, so I am really pleased that you managed to take a look. All the best for your work too.

Best wishes,

Sarah

There’s much to like and admire here, Sarah. The writing feels very polished with almost no typos/grammatical mistakes/formatting problems etc which makes for an extremely immersive, fluent read. (I think I noticed ‘twenty-four hours [apostrophe] a day’ when it should be ‘twenty-four hours a day’ but that really is about it.) Terrific stuff.

The prose has a good blend of direct and unfussy storytelling to move the narrative along and more involved, expansive phrasing/descriptive passages to root the reader in a specific scene or depict a character’s mood/mindset etc. Nicely done. Some of the phrasing is superb – beautifully restrained, subtly lyrical and very original (eg. ‘a stack of yellowing newspapers doubled as a footrest,’ ‘she murmured in a soft sing-song way as she stuffed her fingers into her mouth, and the sleeve of her cardigan slipped towards her elbow,’ ‘mother and daughter slept, curled like a swan and her signet,’ ‘the skin around them was stretched thin and pinched in the corners,’ ‘yellow gingham cushion covers, faded from rinsing and wringing’). Once or twice, however, I found some of the phrasing ever so slightly overwrought/melodramatic (eg. ‘her guilt wrenched her already sinewy and bloodied heart,’ ‘tearing at the very fabric of their souls’). I think your writing is at its best when the prose is clear and simple and imbued with a restrained, elegant lyricism. Maybe think about paring back some of the more ornate, almost writerly passages?? Just a thought.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps both to add energy to the scenes and subtly flesh out the various characters. The characterisation is clear and convincing. Clever use of italicised internal monologue inserts to allow the reader an intense, revelatory insight into a character’s thought processes/emotions etc. Good contrast between the various characters. Each character feels fully formed and distinct and, even after six chapters, I’m beginning to get a handle on what makes each character tick.

I suppose if I were to offer a criticism about the opening chapters it would be that, at times, I found the rather unusual, deliberately opaque style of narration a little confusing. For example, in the opening chapter, I couldn’t make head or tail of the whole ‘falling down the well’ sequence. Initially, I couldn’t work out if it was actually happening or a delusion or even an elaborate metaphor of some sort. And, even when I finally worked out that it was simply a dream, I wasn’t sure whether the mother was remembering a real event or simply having a groundless nightmare. Similarly, I found all the shifts in POV, particularly in the opening chapter, rather distracting and distancing. Likewise, I really didn’t know what was going on when chapter four started in the first person before reverting back to third. In fact, it’s only when we get to chapter six that the narrative seems to settle down into a consistent POV (first person) and even then, because of Molly’s severe disabilities, I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure what was real and what was a fantastical product of her understandably overactive imagination. I suppose what I’m saying is that, while I applaud the ambition and originality of your narrative style, for rather slow-on-the-uptake readers like me, it felt rather bewildering at times and ended up distancing me from the emotional heart of your story.

In short, an extremely well-written, very original, ambitious opening which, for me, would be so much more involving if the structure was simplified slightly.

Thanks and best of luck. Do let me know if you decide to post extra chapters. I’d love to read on.

All the best. P

There’s much to like and admire here, Sarah. The writing feels very polished with almost no typos/grammatical mistakes/formatting problems etc which makes for an extremely immersive, fluent read. (I think I noticed ‘twenty-four hours [apostrophe] a day’ when it should be ‘twenty-four hours a day’ but that really is about it.) Terrific stuff.

The prose has a good blend of direct and unfussy storytelling to move the narrative along and more involved, expansive phrasing/descriptive passages to root the reader in a specific scene or depict a character’s mood/mindset etc. Nicely done. Some of the phrasing is superb – beautifully restrained, subtly lyrical and very original (eg. ‘a stack of yellowing newspapers doubled as a footrest,’ ‘she murmured in a soft sing-song way as she stuffed her fingers into her mouth, and the sleeve of her cardigan slipped towards her elbow,’ ‘mother and daughter slept, curled like a swan and her signet,’ ‘the skin around them was stretched thin and pinched in the corners,’ ‘yellow gingham cushion covers, faded from rinsing and wringing’). Once or twice, however, I found some of the phrasing ever so slightly overwrought/melodramatic (eg. ‘her guilt wrenched her already sinewy and bloodied heart,’ ‘tearing at the very fabric of their souls’). I think your writing is at its best when the prose is clear and simple and imbued with a restrained, elegant lyricism. Maybe think about paring back some of the more ornate, almost writerly passages?? Just a thought.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps both to add energy to the scenes and subtly flesh out the various characters. The characterisation is clear and convincing. Clever use of italicised internal monologue inserts to allow the reader an intense, revelatory insight into a character’s thought processes/emotions etc. Good contrast between the various characters. Each character feels fully formed and distinct and, even after six chapters, I’m beginning to get a handle on what makes each character tick.

I suppose if I were to offer a criticism about the opening chapters it would be that, at times, I found the rather unusual, deliberately opaque style of narration a little confusing. For example, in the opening chapter, I couldn’t make head or tail of the whole ‘falling down the well’ sequence. Initially, I couldn’t work out if it was actually happening or a delusion or even an elaborate metaphor of some sort. And, even when I finally worked out that it was simply a dream, I wasn’t sure whether the mother was remembering a real event or simply having a groundless nightmare. Similarly, I found all the shifts in POV, particularly in the opening chapter, rather distracting and distancing. Likewise, I really didn’t know what was going on when chapter four started in the first person before reverting back to third. In fact, it’s only when we get to chapter six that the narrative seems to settle down into a consistent POV (first person) and even then, because of Molly’s severe disabilities, I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure what was real and what was a fantastical product of her understandably overactive imagination. I suppose what I’m saying is that, while I applaud the ambition and originality of your narrative style, for rather slow-on-the-uptake readers like me, it felt rather bewildering at times and ended up distancing me from the emotional heart of your story.

In short, an extremely well-written, very original, ambitious opening which, for me, would be so much more involving if the structure was simplified slightly.

Thanks and best of luck. Do let me know if you decide to post extra chapters. I’d love to read on.

All the best. P

Dear Kate,

Thank you for your comments - they are very encouraging and thank you for atking the time to read my work. I'm looking at the POV and how to put the three somewhat dispaarte stories together. There is a thread in my head, but I haven't had time to write it and work it through yet, but I hope to do so in the next few months.

Good luck with your book too!

Best wishes,

Sarah

Hi Sarah,
I think this is a really challenging story and Rosemary is immediately believable and concerning. I think the writing is very strong at points, especially that last paragraph on Chapter 1.
When you moved the point of view from Rosemary to the social worker, I was pulled out of the story. If you can manage to keep the whole scene in her pov, I think it will work better. Just one view though!
Best wishes,
Kate

Thank you, Dianna! Your comments are really inspiring. Thanks so much for reading it and for giving ti a rating. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply but I haven't been on here much of late for various reasons. I wish you all the best with your book too.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Hi Sam,

You are a very gifted writer - stringing words and imagery together like a strand of pearls - beautiful. I love how your words invite the reader inside each of your character’s minds which allows a certain connection between them.

Determination born of heartache and struggle comes to the forefront in each participant of your story as you bring to light what it is like to live with a disability or to love a child with a disability.

You give the reader an emotional and very insightful view into the heart of one who is not able to speak their mind. and that is very gut-wrenching. Molly simply longs to have one person look and listen just long enough to see that underneath her twitches and squawks, she is there.

I loved reading each of your stories (Stephanie’s story, Maggie’s story and Molly’s story) They seemed somewhat separate, but my guess is it will be revealed as to how they are related.

Your manuscript was really clean. I only found one mistake as I was reading at that was in the last sentence of the first chapter. “Within seconds it was aflame and the(n) as the heat intensified…“

I wish you the best with your story as you work to complete it. Highly Starred!

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

Hi Sam,

You are a very gifted writer - stringing words and imagery together like a strand of pearls - beautiful. I love how your words invite the reader inside each of your character’s minds which allows a certain connection between them.

Determination born of heartache and struggle comes to the forefront in each participant of your story as you bring to light what it is like to live with a disability or to love a child with a disability.

You give the reader an emotional and very insightful view into the heart of one who is not able to speak their mind. and that is very gut-wrenching. Molly simply longs to have one person look and listen just long enough to see that underneath her twitches and squawks, she is there.

I loved reading each of your stories (Stephanie’s story, Maggie’s story and Molly’s story) They seemed somewhat separate, but my guess is it will be revealed as to how they are related.

Your manuscript was really clean. I only found one mistake as I was reading at that was in the last sentence of the first chapter. “Within seconds it was aflame and the(n) as the heat intensified…“

I wish you the best with your story as you work to complete it. Highly Starred!

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

Hi Sarah,
I think this is a really challenging story and Rosemary is immediately believable and concerning. I think the writing is very strong at points, especially that last paragraph on Chapter 1.
When you moved the point of view from Rosemary to the social worker, I was pulled out of the story. If you can manage to keep the whole scene in her pov, I think it will work better. Just one view though!
Best wishes,
Kate

Dear Sam, You write amazingly; the process of reading is at times heartbreaking though. Sometimes we try to avoid paying attention to dark sides of this life, nevertheless they exist . Real life is not a Hollywood shooting-site and your writing is so true to life. Thank you very much.
All stars, WL and be backed, when I clear up some space.

Take a look at my writing. I hope for your comment too.

Val But
Escape

Hi Sarah.

I thought your pitch was great.

Only one ever-so-slight niggle:
”Yet from the prison of her own mind and her 'metal throne' she creates and surveys her own kingdom…”
I would include a comma after ‘metal throne’ to separate the introductory element of the sentence.

Chapter 1:

I love your writing style. I’m impressed by the way you use language and structure to convey emotion and description in a smooth and fluent way.

I noticed a few issues I think you’d like to know about:

“A pile of damp washing lay mouldering on the sofa, a stack of yellowing newspapers doubled as a foot rest.”
This is a comma splice: separating two independent clauses that would function as stand-alone sentences with a comma. This is incorrect use of punctuation, but is easily fixed; you just need to swap the comma for a full stop, making two sentences, or add a co-ordination conjunction, in this case ‘and’.

“A giant pink teddy, its features crudely sewn – one eye missing, stuffing spilling from a hole in its neck; a tattered wing-back chair, the material heavy with grime, one wing broken; bills, everywhere bills, littering the place.”
Perhaps this is a matter of style, but this sentence is incorrect. It’s just a list of objects with descriptions, which does not form a functional sentence. I would either give the teddy, the chair and the bills a sentence of their own each, describing where they are and what they’re doing (e.g. a one-eyed teddy sat in the corner…), or rewrite this sentence as so:
‘Various objects lay scattered about the room: a giant, pink, one-eyed teddy, crudely sewn, with stuffing spilling from a hole in its neck; a tattered wing-back chair…’

“The fierce wind rattled the loose window panes and the draught…”
A comma is required before ‘and’ in the sentence above as it is a co-ordinating conjunction (it separates two independent clauses).

“Finally, it broke and the wail tore out of her”
Again, the ‘and’ in the above sentence is a co-ordinating conjunction, so it needs to be preceded by a comma.

I think I’ll leave it at that, but please don’t take these comments the wrong way. Your writing is very good, and I’m happy to back your story.

“One-eyed Ted looked on dispassionately.”
I love this! I imagine One-eyed Ted being quite an evil character. I’d love to read a story about him…

“It was almost nothing, the spark from the fire, but then it was something too; it was a warning, but there was no one to heed it.”
Excellently written.


I hope this is helpful.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Backed! xx :))

Dear Fran,

Thank you for being so encouraging and frankly, lovely; I really value your opinion! I will certainly try to get some more written and uploaded soon. I'll be back to have another look at yours at the weekend.

Very best wishes,

Sarah - pen name is Sam - ha ha !

Dear Sam

You need not be so modest about your writing. I have read all that you have uploaded of "The Metal Throne" and would love to read more, any time you felt like adding a few extra chapters.

The subject matter your choose is not an easy one. Disability, with all its perceived ugliness, is not a popular subject. With your more unsympathetic portrayals, you demonstrate that you are well aware of this. Yet you show such an articulate empathy for your characters, that all I want to do is read more. What we have here is a compelling, engrossing, colourful read. A bit of a revelation.

I hope you will upload more soon.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Dear Sam

You need not be so modest about your writing. I have read all that you have uploaded of "The Metal Throne" and would love to read more, any time you felt like adding a few extra chapters.

The subject matter you choose is not an easy one. Disability, with all its perceived ugliness, is not a popular subject. With your more unsympathetic portrayals, you demonstrate that you are well aware of this. Yet you show such an articulate empathy for your characters, that all I want to do is read more. What we have here is a compelling, engrossing, colourful read. A bit of a revelation.

I hope you will upload more soon.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Even after reading just these beginning chapters I felt the characters were really starting to become real and I want to know what happens next to Molly.Hope we don't have to wait toolong

Very competently written, good description. I read most of six chapters, and it seems to me a little unorganised. (One unqualified person's opinion) Backed.

Really good plot and a great opening chapter. I'm neither inclined or qualified to engage in grammar/structure critique-that's what editors are for! The dialogue is realistic and I always know when I've found a good read when I feel like I'm standing in the room watching events unfold rather than reading them. You show (as compared to telling) really well in that respect and a great hook at the end means I'll definitely be coming back for more.
Seriously well done. I'll be making room on my shelf for this.

All the best
Nick
Ghost Estate

Sam,
Some wonderful writing. I read only the first chapter, but you have done a really good job here.

The scene at the house, really only one room is described, is that of abject poverty, an inability of the mother to cope, both in terms of money and in terms of spirit.
The mental struggle to regain composure is described beautifully in physical terms, clambering up the sides of a bottomless well.
The disabled daughter unable to communicate effectively is treated like a child, "Baby" is how the mother refers to her, both in words and in actions.
The social worker, quickly makes assumptions, largely correct in his appraisal and depart. If the mother had any defense it is not to be listened to now, there is too much work to be done, another person to be saved.

Some really good narrative and wonderful story telling engages the reader and either out of concern for the daughter or for the sanity of the mother we are drawn in to the cluttered, smelly and dangerous lives of the two women.

I did find a couple of things for you to look at:
"...it thundered through her body and her whole body pulsed with fear" the repetition of the word "body" makes the sentence feel awkward. I wonder if you could replace the second one with something like "being".

There was an extra "the" in "...it was aflame, and the as the heat intensified..."

Best wishes
Warrick