The Hollow of Mont Noir

Great start to the book! I just read your prologue, can't wait to read more! Keep up the great work!


Thomas

http://authonomy.com/books/49602/finding-mary/

I've read through the first few chapters and it looks like a good read. My one suggestion, the start of the book is a bit slow; maybe taking some of the basic information and add it into the action of the story. The characters are well developed and the plot of the story is very interesting. I think you've got a good start.

Caleen Canady
Avenging Darkness (hinit, hint - in case you're looking for something to read)

Hi Jennifer, Here's your YARG review.

First a suggestion about your long pitch: Writing it out in the present tense makes it sounds more immediate and the voice is more engaging.

"Allison Spencer is no stranger to the paranormal. An animal empath, she is able to sense the feelings of animals. She has never met anyone else with unusual powers and has gotten used to the fact that she's an eccentric in a world of normal people.

Allison lives an otherwise ordinary life and looks forward to finishing high school in Ocean City. But when her older brother, Logan, disappears from a small college town, Allison's family move to the Hollow of Mont Noir, NY to look for him themselves. In addition to leaving behind her home and friends, Allison suddenly has to deal with life in a small town, a strange creature that is stalking her, a new school with cliques and cattiness, parents who are preoccupied with her missing brother, and an illogical fascination with an outcast boy at school.

As Allison settles into her new home, she begins to realize that not everyone is what they seem. She soon learns of the existence of supernatural creatures and is faced with a whole new set of questions - and some shocking answers - about herself and her family. "

Now, onward to the book.

Prologue

The prologue, though interesting, doesn't really have a, for lack of a better phrase, "Luke I am your father" moment. It doesn't contain a dramatic plot reveal that stops us in our tracks and causes us to turn the page in the tense anticipation of finding out how it all began and then spiralled out of control to this moment we've just read about. The prologue currently repeats what the long pitch has told us about Logan going missing and iterates Allison's disillusioned philosophy on hope. It doesn't really pique the reader's interest in the manner that an effective prologue should. You want to jolt the reader and grab their attention. For this reason, I would suggest to either completely do away with the prologue (preferably) or perhaps choose a more gripping reveal from later on in the book (for example, you hint in your long pitch that there are some shocking secrets about Allison's family or her new surroundings - use one of these moments for your prologue).

Chapter 1

I enjoyed the Crittervision chapter. My only concern is that this chapter is pure backstory and can, again, be done away with. We learn that Allison is an animal empath and how she's honed her craft but this is something that can easily be interspersed in later chapters. The entire chapter recounts things which have happened, the experience of which we can't really be a part of because they're in the past. Allison is telling us of past experiences, whereas we want to see them happening now. And so, the telling effectively slows down the pace of the story and the reader will want to flip forward into the book looking for a current happening. The reader wants to start the story where it's actually happening, not look back on what has happened in the past so you need to get us to the action as soon as possible.

If you're going to keep this chapter, then perhaps think of moving it later into the book - maybe after a dream that Allison has - so that we first develop a vested interest in Allison as an MC...otherwise the backstory as a first chapter could put off potential readers and agents in its current state.

I would also possibly suggest switching around the passive tenses so that the action becomes more active.
e.g. I would dream...I dreamt I was running,
I would feel...I felt twigs snapping under my feet...
I could recall... I remembered
I was hoping...I hoped that if anything good...etc.

Chapter 2

The actual starting point of your story is the Moving Day chapter, which should be your chapter 1. We get to know the MC and find out she isn't happy about moving, we find out why she's moving, we find out about her family - there's a lot of good writing here. Perhaps the area you need to be careful about is getting bogged up in backstory rather easily - you get trapped in Allison's thoughts and take us back rather than steering the story forward. I'd like to comment some more but I have to step out for a while, so hopefully I will return to comment on this chapter (that's of course only if you want me to).

Overall you're a very detailed writer. Your prose is intelligent, well thought out and free of grammatical errors (which is lovely to see!). Where you get tangled up is in how much detail to relate to the reader and how soon to do it. You also tend to switch back to the wases and had beens (a symptom of back story) from time to time. I think once you're clear on what information is important and what isn't you'll be able to declutter your writing and it will flow much better.

All the best and keep going!

YARGII
Okay, Jennifer. I've read the first few chapters now and there are some negligible grammatical errors which is really refreshing. The pace, for me, is the tiniest bit slow, but then again I'm used to reading fast paced sic-fi, so that's just my humble opinion. (: Other than that the characters are believable, as is the dialogue, and the premise is intriguing. You've got some really great work here and I think this could hook a lot of readers.
I'm excited to keep reading to see where it goes and that doesn't happen often!
Great work, highly starred! (:

Bre
Memoria

I read through the first two chapters and I think you have a great start to your story. You have a solid short pitch and your long pitch drew me in. I liked your dialogue and you have a smooth rhythm that makes it an easy enjoyable read. There is a lot of back story in the first two chapters but it was interesting and well written so in my opinion it’s not a problem. You may want to think about shortening it a bit anyway then pepper in vital information later. All in all I think it’s a great start and I wish you luck. Get this one out there and start climbing the charts! Thanks so much for the read and I wish you luck.