Rendezvous On The Beach

HI Harry, great story! I read the first two chapters and will certainly continue. I'm not sure if there is a way to do a more detailed critique but anyway- A few things - Do we know why the mother was so cold hearted about leaving her daughter? In the first chapter the new Hm talks and you say she did little to fan the flames of the chatter, did you mean 'did little BUT fan the.... As they were all talking anyway and what she said made them worse. 'She'd taken a subtle dislike.' Why subtle? If she had , it was anything but subtle the way she ingored Emma. Did you mean 'sudden' or something like that? In the second chap there was a part where Emma says she's relieved that she hadn't done so before, I couldn't figure that out. Amy way, It's a very engaging story so far, more Mallory Towers than Harry Potter, And well done to have a story in the same (H.P.)setting without once bringing it to my mind any way. This is going to my bookshelf for continued reading.

What an intriguing location for a school and a story! I read the first chapter with enthusiasm and loved it. So I backed it. Harry I’m new to this authonomy place and hadn’t got to grips with how it works. I’m sorry that I’ve temporarily replaced your book with another but will bring it back soon.
Don't worry!
Grace

Harry,
There is quite a bit of mystery surrounding your first few chapters. Emma is whisked off to boarding school with little explanation, the new headmistress is a dictator, and there's no hope of escape. I feel like there is more going on here than what is clear. Something is up with the parents, and I wonder if Emma should have a little more curiosity about why they suddenly sent her away. Surely she doesn't buy the 'too busy' explanation. I'm more than a little curious about the geography teacher's comment about who causes natural disasters and what can be done to prevent them, though I feel like I misread something because there was no reaction from Emma.

Often dialogue included 'erm' and other similar hemming and hawing, and I've read somewhere that these sorts of things should be kept to a minimum. I did find they seemed to disrupt the flow of the dialogue and were particularly distracting when coming from the teachers for some reason. This may just be me though.

Hope this is helpful. All the best.
Kate

Backed and fascinated x

Hello Harry,
If you hadn’t backed my book SORRY I wouldn’t have come across your own novel, ‘Rendezvous On The Beach’. I love it! Well, to be honest I’ve only read the first chapter and I’m hooked already. Because of the many books on my WL and promises to read them (I always honour my promises) I have added yours to the list . . . actually, I’ve pushed it towards the top - but keep it to yourself.

Thanks from Grace and high stars for you

This is an intriguing plot, but that aside, before we even get into the story line, there are the characters who are very strong and one can feel their pain - especially during the dialogue between the two girls in the dormitory who are homesick. It is emotive story telling and quite moving. 6 stars.

This is great! It is immediately engaging, the MC has a sure and solid presence, the writing is top notch and I will eat my hat if this doesn't get published. Very good indeed!
Andrea
the de Amerley Affair

well this is a lovely surprise!

I had no idea what to expect when I started reading but it sure wasn't this... Scotland, Hockey, and a head-mistress from hell... wonderful...

It reminds me of one of the Harry Potter books, when that creepy lady in pink with her stupid giggle and soft-spoken voice, turned the school corrupt... well cross that with The Faculty, and throw in some good ol' Scottish accents, and you have Rendezvous On The Beach - freaking fantastic!

I recommend you join either or both of the following groups, so that more people can read this great story!

invite to WTF: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/106125/wtf-write-the-fantasy/
invite to YARG: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/103435/young-adult-reading-group-yarg-iii-/

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Rendezvous On The Beach is a young adult novel that will hit all the right notes with its intended audience. Author R.U.H. Verity has done a great job bringing us the tale of Emma Holden, someone who has a lot of character, but who could also substitute for an “every woman” where readers can see themselves in her shoes, asking what they would do in a similar circumstance.

The setting of a lone boarding school on an island and the strange staff who run it is mesmerizing. Holden learns about the quirky island slowly, and begins to uncover a more sinister picture alongside readers. In addition to a character-driven YA tale, the mystery aspect and the us-against-them angle will endear this book to the young adult crowd. It’s also written at the appropriate level, and the action keeps moving at a good pace. It should have no trouble finding success once published, and could bring a breath of fresh air to the whole YA side of the market.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Harry. This is cool. LCF mentions the key to this below in that not only is it a wonderful story but the way you drip feed us with your characters and their descriptions is very clever here. Yo have a nice flow to the book which makes it a joy to read the story and not hard work of it. I applaud you and I score this high. I wish you luck with it in the future and will watch to see what it does.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Hi Harry, I took a look at chapter 3, thanks for reviewing my book. This is an easily read story with an interesting insight into boarding schools. I found it easy to follow and it hit a few buttons for me, having worked in the field of teaching. I like the description of the room as they entered it, you have captured the atmosphere very well. I am not sure about some of the punctuation, missing commas, words that should be capitalised after speech etc An excellent book on the subject is 'Eats, shoots and leaves', maybe you could borrow it from a library. I think you must have drawn a lot from experience or done a great deal of research, and I hope this is successful for you.
Kind Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At The Rock & Take Care: On The Rock

Hi Harry,
Chapter 2 flows well with dynamic dialogue sections and the description parts are in a good balance. You've also introduced more side characters here, which is great for the reader to visualize the ambiance around.

I enjoyed what I read so far, and starred your book with 6 points. High potential YA voltage!
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Harry,
I have to say that I'm impressed with the way you introduced your characters from the beginning. The dialogue parts between Emma and her mother are well-structured, and supporting characters; Mrs. Ursula Pearl, Mr. Thomas, Naomi and Hannah are injected into the story in sufficient, bite-sized portions.

You set the mood with your clear and crisp third-person voice, and because of your great pitch, I know that Mrs. Ursula Pearl is a dark woman. This information you provided (at the back cover, let's say) got me hooked in immediately, and now I'm ready to read further to see how the story unfolds from here.

Fare Isle seems like an unpredictable premise to weave a remarkable plot.
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Harry,
You have a great concept here and your pitch says it all...I thought, to make it sound stronger, you may break it into two sentences, or benefit from a few commas -especially in the mid-part.

From from the moment she steps up to podium to speak(,) it is clear that Mrs Pearl's strict new policies(,) including banning all electronic equipment and insisting pupils sit and 'reflect' on all their bad deeds(,) are soon to damper the seemingly tranquil atmosphere of Fare Isle with it's extensive woods, rancid food and eccentric staff.

I'll be back with my thoughts on your first chapter,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

I think this is splendid. Shades of harry potter, but distinct and well written. Your main character is well portrayed and I feel sympathy for her. The trip out and the new school are intriguing and fun to read about. You also did a good job introducing the two girls on the plane.
Critique-wise, I mostly noticed chippy stuff, errata, but all needing fixing, and my guess is I just noted a handful, so you'll probably want to go carefully through and edit line by line. But here are the things I noted:
In the pitch "deception and deceit" are really the same thing. I'd just use one or the other.
In chapter one:
Emina gave her daggers (stared daggers maybe?)
to care (cut: more) about her more than anyone
daughter in the car (insert: period) 'You'll meet...
turning up her I-pod(cut: dash)(insert: comma)
took a violet (VIOLENT) turn
'Nice one (cut period, insert comma)' Naomi joked
goal(cut: s) post
As the plane touched down on the runway and the (cut: school, insert: students) shuffled out onto the concrete
barley (BARELY) paid any attention
When (cut: you're, insert: your) name has been called
fantasising (fantasizing)
barley (BARELY) even glanced
she felt she felt she'd had (you wrote "she felt" twice)
Like I said, all chippy stuff, but plenty of it. Clean those up and it'll be well worth it, as the story itself looks quite promising.
Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

SOUL OF THE SEA
This book reminded me of a female Harry Potter book. Which is good, because why guys have access to all the magic and Hermionie be confined to just a girlfriend role? I like the idea the island can only be reached by airplane; really traps the students there. And the new Headmistress is obviously no one to cross. If I have a criticism it’s that I think Emma needs a better reason for coming here rather than just a vague, “My parents made me do it.” Did she win a free scholarship and because of a recent financial ruin, when they could no longer afford her old school, were left with no choice but to enroll her here? Having a good reason for being there would not only trap her physically on the island, but financially and emotionally as well. Either way, this has the makings of a good young adult read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

You are a good story teller. Your narrative is packed with the required ingredients to grip and interest readers. It was a delightful read

Quite literarily - literally?

I think it's a lot better, much more focused and better pacing all round. I'd say the only thing that felt lacking was making Emma feel more like the central character. You do fine in terms of seeing stuff from her pov, but she's very passive and more an observer than a instigator. it may be that things will develop as the story develops, but the reader doesn't know that.

Whatever kind of person Emma is you need to give her opportunities to show that. It doesn't have to be part of the main plot, just small things as she settles in. But having her constantlt react or not get too involved in things makes her feel distant and not very engaging. I can't really give you suggestions as I don't know what kind of personality she has (whih is part of the problem).

I realise she's new and it's plausible she would be hesitant in making any kind of scene or draw atttention to herself, but that doesn't make for a very interesting opening to the story. If you can find ways to push her into an awwkward situarion as soon as possible, one that requires her to use her head to get out of (or perhaps to make things worse) it would help immeasurably.

It starts a little slow, lots of backstory and not much movement. she doesn't have to be sitting still while you fill us in on the school.

You say how she was against going to boarding school, and then when her parents tell her she has no choice, she suddenly warms to the idea. That doesn't make sense. If you hate an idea someone telling you you have no choice won't make you love it instantly. Would be better, imo, if you show how the parents won her over. Maybe they sell her on the beaches and palm trees. Or the famous rock stars that send their kids there. Whatever it is, it's better to show us how it happened rather than just reporting it after the fact.

"...but most exciting of all , she imagined how she’d find a friend and a roommate to dispel the anxieties that she knew would otherwise suppress her ability to feel remotely settled about anything at Fare Isle."
I don't know what this means. It's very convoluted.

"...the absent minded adventures of London"
Not sure what this mean. Absent minded in what way?

I thought it was a little strange you didn't describe the island once they landed. What the landing area was like, first impressions of the island, the other students. Arriving the first time in an unusual place would normally get more attention than you give it, I think.

I think it's an interesting premise and the characters seem okay so far, but it's a little uneventful. You spend most of the first chapter setting up her arrival but I think you could make it more engaging. When the girls talk to her on the plane they don't really have anything to say. The teacher just asks them to put on their seatbelts. The walk to the school is unremarkable.

Emma feels quite distant and neutral. She's observing without really being involved, which makes it read quite disconnected and passive.

You have a girl going to a weird school she didn't want to go to, I think there's room there for far more engaging storytelling. How did her paretns force her to go? What does she plan to do about it? Has she got an escape plan? What trouble does she get into on the plane? How can you create friendships and enemies on the plane ride? What can she be doing on the plane that gives us an idea of the sort of girl she is? How can it go wrong? What are the consequences?

I'm not saying you need to do any of the things I just mentioned, but you could do with more immediate and active events along those lines. The slow build up and gentle introduction to Emma and the school isn't going to draw readers into the story, imo.

i would suggest the first thing you should do is consider exactly what kind of a person Emma is, and then think of a way to demonstrate that side of her on the plane.

It starts a little slow, lots of backstory and not much movement. she doesn't have to be sitting still while you fill us in on the school.

You say how she was against going to boarding school, and then when her parents tell her she has no choice, she suddenly warms to the idea. That doesn't make sense. If you hate an idea someone telling you you have no choice won't make you love it instantly. Would be better, imo, if you show how the parents won her over. Maybe they sell her on the beaches and palm trees. Or the famous rock stars that send their kids there. Whatever it is, it's better to show us how it happened rather than just reporting it after the fact.

"...but most exciting of all , she imagined how she’d find a friend and a roommate to dispel the anxieties that she knew would otherwise suppress her ability to feel remotely settled about anything at Fare Isle."
I don't know what this means. It's very convoluted.

"...the absent minded adventures of London"
Not sure what this mean. Absent minded in what way?

I thought it was a little strange you didn't describe the island once they landed. What the landing area was like, first impressions of the island, the other students. Arriving the first time in an unusual place would normally get more attention than you give it, I think.

I think it's an interesting premise and the characters seem okay so far, but it's a little uneventful. You spend most of the first chapter setting up her arrival but I think you could make it more engaging. When the girls talk to her on the plane they don't really have anything to say. The teacher just asks them to put on their seatbelts. The walk to the school is unremarkable.

Emma feels quite distant and neutral. She's observing without really being involved, which makes it read quite disconnected and passive.

You have a girl going to a weird school she didn't want to go to, I think there's room there for far more engaging storytelling. How did her paretns force her to go? What does she plan to do about it? Has she got an escape plan? What trouble does she get into on the plane? How can you create friendships and enemies on the plane ride? What can she be doing on the plane that gives us an idea of the sort of girl she is? How can it go wrong? What are the consequences?

I'm not saying you need to do any of the things I just mentioned, but you could do with more immediate and active events along those lines. The slow build up and gentle introduction to Emma and the school isn't going to draw readers into the story, imo.

i would suggest the first thing you should do is consider exactly what kind of a person Emma is, and then think of a way to demonstrate that side of her on the plane.

I just read chapter 1 and glanced at a few other chpaters, and this seems like potentially very good, commercial YA fiction. Cetainly it's raw, needs a good read-through for grammer and spelling, using certain words too much etc but i dont tend to focus on those things, preferring to get a feel for the story, and this is a good idea whith great potential (there's a film called Holes with John Voigt and Sigourney Weaver wwhich is based on a YA novel, your work reminded me of that a littlle bit). High stars.

Excellent writing, perfectly pitched for the young adult market. Annie meets Harry Potter and takes on Cruella deVille. Great stuff.

interesting characters. the long pitch drew me in but has yet to deliver. just needs some proofing and tweaking to bring clarity for the reader, but shows potential.
j
what every woman should know

I meant to skim through two chapters and ended up reading six.
I don't usually say this, but I think that asking someone to go through and correct grammar and spelling would be a great benefit.
As for the story, I haven't figured out your plot yet; I do know that there is strangely, a new headteacher, and something is up with Emma's parents, so perhaps introducing a prologue or something to give us a hint of what to look for would work.
Your characters are interesting, and that is what kept me reading.
I suggest polarizing your characters a bit more...make the good ones good, and brave. Have you read Harry Potter? I don't suggest plagarism...yet there is much to be learned from Rowling's dialogue structure and descriptive tone. Kind of like looking up the format for a resume or cover letter.
Again, I know that seems like a lot of constructive criticism but at the same time, I read six chapters when I only meant to read two.
So keep up the good work. I'll check this out again in a week or so...seriously, a few simple changes to the structure and a good editing will make a world of difference. It will enhance your very interesting characters instead of holding them back.
Jen

I read through the first two chapters and I think you have a great start to your story. You have a solid short pitch and your long pitch drew me in. I liked your dialogue and you have a smooth rhythm that makes it an easy enjoyable read. I just have a couple of easy to fix nitpicks. I would suggest going through your text and search for the word “had” and words that end in “ly”. I think you might be surprised how frequently they appear. For the most part I think you can just delete them. Your writing is strong and does not need to lean on these weak descriptors. Thanks so much for the read and I wish you luck.