Book Jacket

 

rank 1446
word count 50016
date submitted 29.02.2012
date updated 16.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
incomplete

STARGAZING

K J Anderson

After his father dies, Roman Sebastien is devastated, but his problems really begin when a chance encounter with a complete stranger threatens his very existence.

 

Roman Sebastien is your average thirty-something careerist. He has spent most of his life working and acquiring and wants for nothing materially. An only child, he's the apple of his parents' eyes and is especially close to his father, with whom he shares a passion for astronomy. Devastated by his father's sudden, untimely death, he quits his job, stops seeing his friends and becomes a virtual recluse in his apartment.

He stays awake all night. Deprived of sleep, he starts having visions of his dead father. His doctor prescribes a dose of sleeping pills but they prove less than worthless.

The visions continue and gradually Roman begins to lose his grip on reality. Just when he's starting to fear for his sanity, he meets the mysterious and charasmatic Baron Von Kruger, a man twice his age. He latches on to this stranger like a drowning man to a life raft, though he doesn't understand why. An unlikely friendship develops, but for Roman, the consequences are at once life-enhancing and life-threatening.

Set in an un-named New World country under constant threat of civil war, Stargazing is an intriguing thriller with existential and metaphysical underpinnings.

 
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tags

intriguing, literary, metaphysical, psychological, thought-provoking

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75 comments

 

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Andrea Taylor wrote 143 days ago

I have read two chapters and I am still not sure where this is leading. But I want to read on, and as the job of every novelist is to make the the reader turn the page, job done! Its nicely written, with a slight twist of curiosity and a hint of tension.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Declan Conner wrote 326 days ago

Club Agatha.

A short concise first chapter and an introduction to the characters. Not much in the way of mystery here for me to want to turn the page. Hopefully when we come to second chapters the mystery will become clear. Very difficult to crit this chapter.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 332 days ago

STARGAZING
Club Agatha Critique
Interesting beginning. Not a lot happening, but you’ve subtly infused an ominous tone to the story by the fact Nicholas is watching everything Roman does. An odd thing: Roman criticizes Kristin for being vulgar because she slurps her coffee, yet he is out right rude to the man who just wants to borrow some sugar. Just seems odd. A good beginning, tho. You’ve given Roman enough depth just from this simple beginning to make me want to learn more about him.

Christopher D. Abbott wrote 332 days ago

Club Agatha Critique -

A very interestingly short first chapter. Made me want to read more, and so I did. I like your descriptive prose. I'm quite a big fan of 1st person POV and your writing, which is clear and concise, was nicely peppered with colourful subtexts and undertones.

This should do very well.

Best,
Chris

Casimir Greenfield wrote 335 days ago

Club Agatha Crit: Stargazing



I read this early on when I first joined Authonomy.

The log pitch serves as a prologue, enticing us to read this intriguing story. The short first chapter shows immediate evidence of a writer of elegance and skill. The description and dialogue are unforced, natural and from the first person perspective gives voice to the unfolding story.

I had read on before, so I am aware that this fine writing continues. The short burst here should be enough to grab attention and take the reader further.

Nothing but praise. Starred and WL'd (again...)


http://authonomy.com/books/42586/slow-poison/

http://authonomy.com/books/42590/bloodstones/

mikewriter wrote 336 days ago

Club Agatha

This is a short first chapter that doesn't give much away. We have a man who seems to have fallen out of love with everything, including his girlfriend. We don't know why. We don't have a clue what's going to happen to him. I don't need a body on the first page, or even the mystery hinted at. A slow burn is often good, but judged on this chapter along it needs more to draw the reader in. That is, of course, unfair based on one short chapter, but then that might be all an agent reads. You do, however, write well and portray Roman's bleak state of mind convincingly.

Best Regards
Mike
(Milk and More)

gr84ll wrote 336 days ago

Club Agatha Critique

I didn't want to short change you on a poor review, so I continued on and read your 2nd chapter. I, personally think you should combine the two chapters to be the first, I don't see any reason for you to break these into two.
And together it provides the reader with enough information to want to turn the page. Aside from that, a good start, I like the way you walk us through Roman's inner turmoil and depression... you have put some depth into his character, making him seem real. Well written, will read more.... Jacque (Upside Down)

Hyperion wrote 337 days ago

Club Agatha comment,
Most people hear have commented on how short this chapter is, and I cannot understand why this is, it is as if you wish the story to be told as a series of snapshots. To my mind it only distracts from getting to know your Protagonists and their background. You say you have a publisher interested , so ignore me for I know nothing.
What has been posted is full of colour and your story and pitch are very interesting. Ray Jones,(Murders in Beer.)

Nick Goulding wrote 338 days ago

Club Agatha Review – ‘Stargazing’

This is a relatively short first chapter so I may have more to comment on subsequently. Whilst I liked the description of the city lights, I had problems initially mapping the geography of the setting – the city on the edge of a desert viewed from a distant apartment (in a suburb or another town, separated by the desert?). Personally I feel that repetition can sometimes strengthen, and here ‘threatening’ is given such emphasis (I know some reviewers seem to indicate a word should never appear more than once but the great speech writers know the power of rhythm).

Information is deftly weaved in (e.g. ‘living the life of a normal thirty-something man). I don’t think champagne set needs a capital (unless they come from Champagne). Sometimes the avoidance of adverbs leads to lengthy and tenuous metaphors, I think – e.g. ‘a feeling of wretchedness stole upon me like a cat-burglar’ (we know melancholia is already there). Perhaps ‘At first light…’ could be in a new paragraph to reflect the long night?

‘Her grasp as constricting as her concern’ gets the mood across well. ‘She gave me a searching look’ could, perhaps, be stronger, along the lines of ‘her dark-brown eyes searched mine for answers’ (dark-brown is repeated too – perhaps space the hair colour later? The details of the waitress and the old man could be used to indicate the small things we notice when avoiding a difficult conversation. I believe in some cultures (e.g. around parts of the Med, slurping is considered to show approval and enjoyment – a culture difference at times).

Perhaps spread the description of the old man through the exchange with him (to avoid it reading a little like the table has a neat white beard – a wonderful image that made me smile). Roman’s rude response came as a surprise and I felt dislike for the character. I wondered whether Kristin didn’t say ‘What’s happening to you, Roman?’ I think many women would have walked so clues to her character are building, as they are with a seemingly depressed Roman. Good showing rather than telling, here.

All in all a brief, promising start that is enigmatically scant on background and setting. I know I shall be reviewing chapter 2 next month, so I’ll show restraint and wait – but I am intrigued and want to read on.

Nick Goulding
'Where She Lies'

John Bayliss wrote 341 days ago

Club Agatha Critique

An fascinating opening that can't fail to entice the reader into reading more. We have an exotic setting (with mention of a desert) and characters with slightly unusual/foreign sounding names. At the moment this could just as well be an historical novel or a futuristic novel, but that doesn't matter: the sense of disorientation only makes it all more intriguing, and also reflects Roman's state of mind. As someone who suffers from mild depression, I think I recognise the same symptoms in Roman, and immediately have an empathy for him.

I have one little suggestion for the opening sentence: the phrase "In the far distance" isn't needed because I think the reader will pick that up anyway. If the sentence reads "On the edge of the desert specks of orange light winked in the darkness like fireflies." it's more immediate and grabs the readers attention a little better.

Like several of the other reviewers, I read the first two chapters (couldn't stop myself). I will be back at some point to read more!

best wishes and good writing, John.

cvblank wrote 342 days ago

Club Agatha Critique:
Intriguing! I read 2 chs. since they're so short, & you write well. Still, I itch to know at least what part of the world these people are in, & preferably what part of what city, since the setting is a virtual character in their drama. No sign of a mystery so far, which may become a drawback if that's how you plan to pitch the book. Good set-up, anyhow. I hope the rest is this interesting! -- CV

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 344 days ago

Club Agatha Review:

This book is a great favorite of mine. Chaper one is now quite short, yet Roman's character is beautifully sketched, his melancholy, but the awareness that he is treating people badly. Kristin is immediately real, too, needing some contact, slurping her espresso. There's not much sign of a mystery yet, but I don't care! There's just the menacing Nicklaus and Roman's malaise..

Wonderful voice. Love it, KJ. EB

Ghosty wrote 344 days ago

Club Agatha Critique,

I read through 2 chapters as they seem to be quite short. I think you capture the feeling of depression and isolation well. We get a sense of his relationships falling apart because of his constant melancholia. There is no doubting you write very well. There is a build up of story forming, but I can't say too much until I've read a little more. Look forward to it.
G

Emma B wrote 344 days ago

Club Agatha

I read your 1 and 2 as i wanted to get more of an idea of your writing. It's quick, sad and blunt. Like Romans emotions. I like the last paragraph in 2 'I'm convinced that she saw a reflection of her broken self in me and had decided to stay away from the mirror' liked that a lot.
You're building up something, you're making the reader understand the depth of Romans depression and i wonder where he'll end up and i wonder what he'll become.

Emma


Inqusitive Agie wrote 344 days ago

Club Agatha critique

You are doing your best to sound romantic, but you are repeating words, like threatening in the first paragraph.
I don't get the expression of the cat burglar where you use it, I think it's out of place. In my opinion, and this is to help you not to hinder, you are over describing. You don't have to describe people in detail who are just 'fillers'.
I know my writing is far from perfect too, but you have to make every word count, does it help the story or is it just a filler to get to the 80.000 words?
The story didn't do much for me, there isn't anything that keeps me wanting to read on.

Greenleaf wrote 346 days ago

Club Agatha Critique

I have read the first chapter of Stargazing for the First Chapter Competition of Club Agatha for Mystery/Crime novels. The chapter is really short so I didn't have a lot to critique, but what I read was very well written. I'm intrigued to know more about Roman--why he's been withdrawing from Kristen, why he's been treating people badly.

The only thing I could think to recommend is that I would like to see a tiny bit more description of the setting and more about Nicholas. Is he a friend of Kristen? Did he accompany Kristen and Roman to the restaurant? He wasn't mentioned until Roman noticed him watching him with contempt. Perhaps Nicholas is a rival.

I think this has real potential. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Susan/Greenleaf (Provenance/Chameleon)

Natalie1 wrote 352 days ago

An intriguing idea, KJ and very well-written. I like the short chapters, they are less cumbersome and easier to digest! I have read through the first few chapters and will read on when I have more time. This deserves to move up quickly in the list. I have highly starred Stargazing and will keep it on my WL to back in due course. Well done! Natalie (The Diary of John Crow)

Lenny Banks wrote 375 days ago

Hi J K, I read Chapter 12. I was engrossed with the drama that was developing. You know your characters very well and communicate it convincingly. I enjoyed reading it and can see why it is popular already, good luck with it I will add it to my watchlist.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes.
Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At The Rock.

J.Adams wrote 377 days ago

Hi K.J. I wanted to send you a message, but can't click on your message feed, perhaps it's set to only accept messages from friends? But I wanted to thank you for putting my novel, The Existence Game, on your shelf. I sincerely appreciate it. I've adding Stargazing to my watch list and look forward to reading it. Like you, my time is limited, but I do get to everything in my watch list eventually. Since this is a message, and not a comment about your book, it really doesn't belong here, in your comments section, so if you send me a message, I'll delete this. I just wanted to thank you for shelving my book. Wishing you all the best, Judy

CJT wrote 378 days ago

Hi KJ-

Very much enjoyed reading this. Your nice ranking and high stars are self-evident. I read the first four chapters, but I have hope that Roman is headed for a revelation. He is a difficult person, of course, to like immediately. He's very self-involved and the reader can understand how people around Roman are quickly losing incentive to be around him.

So you have quite a challenge to make his eventual redemption credible and believable--but what a feat it'll be. Not only that, but you've set yourself further challenges for setting the book in an alternate world, and one with clear signs of civil unrest. How that applies to the story will also be interesting to learn.

You have a strong, confident writing style, and the metaphysical bent shows you as a thoughtful author hoping to also fashion a bit of philosophy along with a good story.

Some observations:

ch1:
"prism of my melancholia"--could be stronger to let the reader sense it instead of just saying it
"her grasp as constricting as her concern" good
a challenge to have an MC one would not like at first
Nicklaus--good suspense--I like your holding back here
ch2:
Damn, who is Nicklaus? (thought a dog at first, left in the car) :)
"the space between us on the bed symbolic"--I can sense this, without being told directly
Roman's a bit of a baby--
I like Roman's escape into the desert (reminds me of Updike's "Rabbit, Run")
"outline of the person I used to know" very good
only redeemable quality in Roman so far is his loyalty to father
ch3:
Reader can't wait for a self-actualizing moment with Roman
You convey character emotions very clearly
Possibly need paragraph breaks between different characters: "Yes. Is that so strange?" (here) I let it go
Roman is aware of his selfishness at least
I really like the repeat of "You always say that"
Also like the change of pattern for Sol
This is a sign of good writing--in one sentence demonstrating a character's typical pattern and immediately breaking it, all at once
very polished manuscript so far
The story picks up pace/interest with appearance of father
ch4:
Not really sure what Roman does for work--should we? just a biz title or something? (maybe I missed this)
Ah, Nicklaus is a bodyguard of Kristin, got it
Good accounting of father/son closeness through shared love of astronomy
Would Roman really want to go on a trip and not stay local to where he's reconnected with his father's ghost?
Seems there's a touch of Hamlet to this story?
Desert dwelling phenomenon interesting (I like that when Roman was out there earlier, he had felt watched)

David1970 wrote 381 days ago

Hi KJ, I liked the first three chapters, It has made me want to carry on reading. As soon as I get a few more spare hours I will play catch up.
I like the way your story flows and I'm imagining the rest of the book will be the same.
Thanks for sharing your work.
All the best
David H

Nancy Lopez wrote 394 days ago

Hi, KJ,

I left you a message on my thoughts to this piece. Writing a book from a man's pov is a hot thing now-a-days. Agents are looking for this. Girls, and women want to get inside the head of a male protagonist.

I found your paragragh breaks to be well divided. Sentences clear. My suggestions is that many commas need to be replaced with periods. Your opening paragragh would benefit stronger opening with: on the edge of the dessert. the edge of the dessert and menrioning the lights winks as firflies tells us the view is from a distance.

I like the way I felt about not really knowing what's wrong with him. I usually don't read the pitches to be surprised. By the time i got into the 3rd chapter, i knew i was hooked. I don't go into 2 or 3 chapters unless I am into it.

I would like however to know something about how this girl looks like in chapter 1. How her eyes gazes at him. With sadness?uncertainty? remorse?sorrow? color? Kristin glowered at me, a mild reprimant--this was a good insight into her character. it held meaning--she's not happy--that's what this sentence tells us and for me, those are the things I need from a novel. You had several lines i loved. I wanted to break this down in chapter format but i cant advance a chapter to quote because I lose everything I just typed. Don't know how ohers do it on here.

The tone and voice is heard and the author's voice, the invisible character did not, up to now, poke its nose out. Yes, there is a lot of telling, but for some reason it does not bother me because I am in his head.

You write well, I like your novel. The emotions are in place. Would like to see/show more, though. Only suggestion is makes sentences shorter. You have a paragragh that is all commas. Cannot remember what chapter.

Highly starred. I will make room for my shelf soon. if you want to reread it, let me know.--I enjoyed this.
Nancy

Emsbabee wrote 396 days ago

Hi KJ,

The further I read, the more I enjoyed this. Although your first two chapters were intriguing, I felt there was more telling than showing, and we spent a little too much time in Roman's head. Then the story began to pick up, and so did my interest. I also really enjoyed the alternate world you're building. Really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Great job!

kshaw wrote 399 days ago

Hi KJ,
Ignore comments that say that you should change the first person narrative. I think that you do it well and I write almost exclusively in first person narratives; there's just nothing like it to give a story the immediacy it needs. I find it appropriate to the story and I am drawn into the setting you have created immediately.
I really like the style of your writing and how you have ended the first two chapters with great hooks.
I have noticed a few things:
You have some cliches in the first chapter: emerald green eyes and evil eye
Watch dialogue tags. Some should have a , instead of a . before and after someone speaks.

Other than that I think its great and I will be back to read more!
Frith,
Kayla
PS Thank you for backing and your kind comments on Philosophia. Also, I noticed on your profile that you have Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, which is also one of my favorite books!

Casimir Greenfield wrote 408 days ago

First person narrative is always unusual and challenging. Initially I found it hard to engage with Roman, but as the story unfolds, the claustrophobic world he inhabits makes for an intriguing read. Given the clipped nature of the writing style, I found the dialogue occasionally unnatural, the sex was offhand but needed better description.
The main plus for me was the gradual unwrapping of a intricate and complex story. A few of the characters came across as a tad one-dimensional, but all in all an assured writing style.

patio wrote 409 days ago

I'm gazing at StarGazing. I love the title

Nathan O'Hagan wrote 409 days ago

Straight away i really liked this. I loved the detached tone of the narrator, instantly put me in mind of The Outsider. Your short, clipped chapters suit the nature of this type of character study very well. This is a narrator who i wanted to read more from, though self-involved and depressed, he somehow draws the reader in to his world, which is no mean feat, and one many of us attempt, not always succeeding.
By the end of chapter 3 i was aware that many readers will already be out off by a lack of obvious 'story' to follow. As you'll no doubt know from reading my own book, this is not something that puts me off, but from your tags, and some earlier comments, i can see there is going to be something very interesting to come, but you have already covered your stated themes of intriguing and thought provoking by the end of the first paragraph for me. very good stuff, just the kind of thing i love to read. Six stars.

bonalally wrote 412 days ago

Started this thinking it was going to be a story about a man grieving over his dad's death, by the end I realised I was reading a topnotch crime caper. I want to read more. Why only eleven chapters? Is there more?

fictionguy wrote 412 days ago

This is great writing. You have obviously have been writing for some time. I love the attention to detail and the narrative. I am giving it five stars. Let us know when it is published.

Sharda D wrote 414 days ago

Hi KJ,
returning your read of Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams. Thanks again for that.
I read the first three chapters.

I thought Roman was an unusual and interesting character. But by chapter three I felt his head was a slightly claustrophobic place to be. Being in his viewpoint wasn't that enjoyable. I liked his wry sense of humour and I liked his relationship with his mother and all the tension and emotional baggage in that relationship, but I felt a little stuck.

Maybe some more dialogue and action would help to break up the first person narrative a little more. We need some other, very different characters. Everyone, at the moment, feels very subdued and the action feels slight - a drive in a car, a trip to a restaurant, some bad sex.

There was slightly too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing' in places e.g. end chp2/beginning chp3. Again, a bit more dialogue/action would help to break up the 'telling'.

Your descriptions were wonderful. I love the paragraph starting “Before long I was out in the desert...” in chapter 2 and I loved the restaurant in chp 3. I thought a little more description in places might help as well. Don't forget to use all your senses, the meal in the restaurant would be a good place to put in some more smells and tastes.
You clearly have a lot of talent and write with thought and emotional intensity. You just need to balance it out a bit more with some lighter moments and more variety to keep the reader absorbed.
Highly starred!
All the best,
Sharda.

Laura Phillips wrote 414 days ago

I've backed this before without leaving a comment so let me say now what I didn't say first time around - this is magnificent writing.

patio wrote 417 days ago

I read chapter one. My highlight was the use of the phrase "cat-burglar". It reminded me when my friend flat was broken into. The burglar got in through the smallest entry ever

stoatsnest wrote 418 days ago

You write very well. The descriptive passages are excellent,and we are really there in the mind of this possibly autistic person. I give this five stars.

The Knowledge wrote 419 days ago

Two short hard-hitting emotional chapters and then the story really opens up...unfortunately I have given myself max 3 chapters of any book due to commitments to return reads...what a bummer...
..will W/L this as wanting to read more...which means you kept this reader hooked.
Starred / rated accordingly..ie lots of golden brown ones as opposed to non-lit ones
Very best for the future in your writing career.
David (Madeline & TK)

Collette Mondrial wrote 420 days ago

Writing of the highest order. Intelligent, insightful and imaginative, with an impressive slow burning power that gathers intensity as the story develops. Read every chapter and loved 'em. Backed and six stars.

jlbwye wrote 422 days ago

Stargazing. I like your very striking cover, and the pitches tell me what to expect.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. The depression of the narrator sets the scene well in that first paragraph (but you dont need that vague word 'appeared'). Other unnecessary / vague words: suddenly, seemed to d(Ch.2) especially, just.
One teeny nit: wouldnt 'A waitress with chipped black nail varnish...' be enough? The way you put it made me wonder if I'd missed an earlier mention of the waitress.

Ch.2. I presume Nicklaus is some sort of a bodyguard? But you havent introduced him to the reader.
Your descriptions are very good: '...the smooth asphalt road shimmered with heatwaves...'

Chs. 3-4. I wonder what job the narrator had? It might reveal more of him as a person. Your slightly disjointed paragraphs, and the questions he asks himself convey well his disembodied feeling of loss, but the pace is slow, and you leave too many unanswered questions in the readers' mind.
'The street, with its delapidated warehouses and mechanics' garages, was as as quiet as a crypt.' Brilliant, meaningful words within the context.

There are some real gems in your descriptive passages, but the story is a bit ponderous. You often say in several paragraphs what could be explained in a few sentences. And yet you miss out opportunities, like the very brief, sudden appearance of the apparition of his father, which might be used to expand on what the man looked like, and how he affected the narrator, thus giving the reader more background material to anchor on.
But these are only my thoughts, and it's your book!

Thankyou for your interest in mine.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Camac wrote 429 days ago

KJ, just read your long first chapter and I agree with the suggestion that it be split into two or three. The start of a book is always the most important part (it's what an editor or agent will read) and yours doesn't quite work for me. I'm a reader of mostly Crime novels and Thrillers where the action is fast. My interest grew only after Kristin stormed out. Could you start there and work in the earlier stuff as backstory? Why be so formal with names? Why not give Mr. Manolo a first name, change Mother and Father to Mom and Dad? Perhaps there's a reason for the formality. The sulky waitress - you might consider giving an example of her bad-temper (show it, don't tell it!).

I agree with the reviewer who said at times it reads like a woman writing from a man's POV. For example '...but at least they knew how to have a good time, something I had never learned to do.' That to me doesn't sound like a man's thought.

These comments will sound negative - but are meant to be constructive. I'm keen to know what happens, and will read on.

Isoje David wrote 433 days ago

Well written and I like it, i just take a look at the first chapter, i think i will back it up.

CGHarris wrote 436 days ago

I read through the first two chapters and I think it’s a fantastic beginning. You have a smooth style that makes for an easy read and your imagery is amazing. All this coupled with a strong narrative and a smooth natural dialogue. High stars on this one. Thanks for the read.

katemb wrote 436 days ago

This has a great set-up and atmosphere. You use description brilliantly to evoke mood. I loved the description of Roman's trip out into the desert. There's also an undercurrent of tension throughout which keeps the reader engaged. Roman is well-established - although he's so disengaged, he's still interesting and sympathetic. I also like the future/alternate world you've established. Nice!

Luke Goode wrote 436 days ago

Ignore any criticism, this is brilliant. I thought I was reading Iain Banks at the start.

Elizabeth.NYC wrote 441 days ago

The first chapter definitely hooks me and I'm looking forward to reading on. Not only does the story have a great MC, but I love the clean style and fast pace. So far, everything feels right about the book, and I'm going back for more.
Lizzi
God of Wine

leelah wrote 444 days ago

Hi KJ, I just 6starred you after a short dip into your book. What a delightful experience. Flow! Genuineness! writervoice! I also recognize you as a kindred spirit. Welcome to Authonomy. I will read more later, but am not so fond of writing reviews.
Leelah saachi

Larry Rhimes wrote 444 days ago

Already got to the end of Chapter 4 & can't wait to read more when I create more time. I wouldn't hesitate in buying this book for myself and others. You must let me know when it is available. I love the way you use capitals to show the significance of Mother and Father. Explaining early on what Father's quest & teachings were quickly enveloped me into the story with ever increasing enthusiasm. It was incredibly easy to find myself as the character feeling, seeing, saying, thinking exactly what he was. Found myself questioning the Baron at exactly the time that Baron does & then answers. Lines like: ".... and I understood them because I experienced them in my imagination" is just one of the non-stop seamless lines. Don't need to pause to capture anything because every word is brilliantly captivating. Where did you get your inspiration from !

Melissa Writes wrote 445 days ago

So far I have only read the first chapter but I'm already hooked. Roman is intriguing and multi-layered. I want to find out more about him and have to stop reading for today but know I will be back tomorrow to discover what happens next. Great writing, full of emotion.

Fontaine wrote 448 days ago

Sorry, KJ, it has taken me so long to get round to reading your book. I have a few comments but let me say first off that I think this is very good and although I have only read to the end of chapter 1 I have been drawn in. Only lack of time prevents me from reading further at present.

I like your characters though I didn't know at first whether your MC was a man or a woman. There is also a slight feel here of a woman writing from a man's point of view. I write that way in my books and one has to be careful. It's subtle but there were one or two moments when he sounded very female. Nothing wrong with that, he may be a sensitive soul but it is something worth watching. One example was when he said something was 'to die for'. Would he have said that? Maybe, but it jarred a little.

There are occasions when you have unnecessary repetition as in using 'threatening' twice and later 'never sure'. Also 'hide from her' when you could leave out the second and just finish at 'compelled to.' This may not be an issue for other readers.

'Arms outstrecthed like a mummy'. Do mummies have outstretched arms or would 'zombie' be better?

Apart from those nit picks, I enjoyed the first chapter very much and want to learn more about The Baron.
I will read on as soon as possible and comment further.

Artist, Twin, Ballerina wrote 450 days ago

The beginning chapter has the relaxed pace of literary fiction. We are introduced to Roman, and we begin to understand where he's come from and where he currently is in his life. But where he is headed is a mystery, especially with the arrival of Baron whose intentions are unclear. The mystery draws a reader further.

Beautiful descriptions and relationships. Great emotion. High stars and a backing.

I like to take specific notes on grammar/sentence structure, but I must say, you have very few issues.
~ "...I got back in the car and beat a hasty retreat back to the city." New paragraph: "No sooner was I back at home..." There are three "back's" in these two sentences. I think it's a little repetitive.
~ "...whether he could find a way to back to each other." I believe there is an extra "to"
~ "...I stepped passed him..." "Passed" should be "past" or it could be "...I passed him."

I can tell this is good by the end of the first chapter!

-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS
PSYCH-HOLES

strachan gordon wrote 451 days ago

An interesting portrait of a man under severe stress , you really attempt to give a completely rounded picture and this is done successfully and narrative tension is maintained . Watchlisted and starred .With best wishes from Strachan Gordon.

like2read wrote 454 days ago

I backed this book because I love the writing. The author is accomplished, imaginative, and intelligent, she can also tell a really good story.

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 455 days ago

From the very start it becomes clear that Roman has mental health problems. He lacks the inability to put things in perspective. He is someone who is not comfortable in his own skin and always sees that glass as half empty. I felt so sorry for Kristin. She must have had to put up with a lot of negative vibes from him and it seems from chapter 1 that she is about to throw in the towel and who can blame her. The relationship between Roman and his mother is quite complex and I get the feeling that it will become more important as the book goes on. These are good strong characters and your style of writing is clear and concise. Well done and six stars.

Kim (Pain)

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