"A Life Worth Dreaming About"

I like your story. Carl reminds me of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, they are both loners and have a fondness for expensive clothes. I like your description in the first chapters of his interaction, or rather lack of it with his colleagues. I think it's good and I'd like to read more of your work.

Maria Gibbons
Past, Present, Future?

Thank you!

I like your story. Carl reminds me of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, they are both loners and have a fondness for expensive clothes. I like your description in the first chapters of his interaction, or rather lack of it with his colleagues. I think it's good and I'd like to read more of your work.

Maria Gibbons
Past, Present, Future?

Good straight forward story telling, and the hook at the end of chapter 1 works well, when we think the excitement is over. There was one sentence that didn't quite work for me, and if it was mine I would rework it: "The familiar smell of the fresh cut grass is in stark contrast to the paramedics as they are working quickly to stabilize Carl." I think I know what you're comparing there, but it comes across like apples and oranges. I think maybe you're saying the normalcy of one was in stark contrast to the alien nature of the other. Anyhow, that's the only chapter 1 problem for me, otherwise your writing is quite good. Best of luck with this!
It appears you have an interest in kids' literature. If so, I'm hoping you'll take a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Nicholas,

I read the first chapter of "A Life Worth Dreaming About".

The man is starting a normal day, doing normal relaxing activities when he suffers a heart attack. His caring family are quick to gather round and follow him to hospital where normality is suddenly disrupted further by an apparation in the ER.

The narrative skips along nicely, only the briefest of descriptive passages. The busy activity in the hospital is perhaps described with too much detail. The dialogue feels genuine, but do we need to know the name and marrital status of the neighbour?

There is the wonderful intriguing hook at the end of the chapter as we wait to find out who the image will turn out to be.

One little niggle: is "Carl looks at his worried wife confused." mean to be "Carl looks at his worried, confused wife." or "Carl looks at his worried wife, confused."

Best wishes
Warrick

Hi
I have now read your first chapter. This is a flashback to Carl at the age of 32 but I wonder whether there is a better way of making it clear that it is a flashback rather than giving his age. just a thought but maybe by having a subtitle at the top. I find having it made obvious to me in the first line a bit annoying. That might be just me though!
The character of Carl is now taking shape and I quite like the detail you go into at this point. He sounds very conceited, arrogant, selfish and a workaholic. Not very pleasant! you then go on to describe various friends and colleagues. I feel there are too many characters here introduced too quickly. It is confusing for the reader. you also need to be careful about point of view. The story so far is being told from Carl's viewpoint but the descriptions of the other characters and their lives are from their own points of view or an omniscient narrator. It is confusing to have so many views in one chapter. I think it would be best to stick to one, maybe Carl's. In which case, he would not know all that info. about them and given how his character is portrayed he wouldn't be that interested! I hope that makes sense! Some of the information given reads like a CV and slows the reader down.
Obviously the phone calls from his sister and brother are important and this fleeting glimpse of something out the corner of his eye points to some event yet to happen. You need to build the tension a bit more here. Cutting down on some of the detail and describing how Carl is feeling may help at this stage.
You do write well but I think the whole thing needs to be a bit more tightly paced.
Anyway, I hope these few comments help. Good luck with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Nick, I do think you have a good story here. However, I have to agree with a previous comment that the mix of past and present tense is a bit off-putting. Pick one (preferably past tense) and you will have a winner.

Hi
I thought your pitch is an improvement but the mixture of past and present tenses is confusing. Generally I believe pitches are written in the present tense so you would say" his revenge for his awful upbringing is to never think about it again." And restructure the rest so it is in the present tense. One additional small point about this first chapter - would he be able to have a drink of water if he has just had a heart attack - maybe worth checking? I know nothing about medicine!
I will try and read further, but please bear in mind I am a novice at this writing game, so take note of what you feel is relevant and disregard the rest!
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

I am having difficulty with your style of writing. I kinda expected the cold clipped narrative to ease up when the story started. It makes your character come across very cold, which of course he is in the beginning of the story. I assume he changes over time and maybe the style of your narrative changes too. I work in a library and so I realize there are readers for every type of narrative style so I may be way out in left field here and I know i would be asking a lot to slow your pace down and invite the reader to come along for the ride with you.

I modified the pitch. What's your thought?

Hi there again. One small tip. If you wish to reply to a comment it is best to send a message, as the reviewer doesn't get to see your response unless they revisit your book.
Your pitch - Otherwise, things won't go the way Carl had once envisioned. If he doesn't, he will regret it forever. Can he save his life and his true love in time? This was the bit I didn't understand and I think needs to be reworded. Perhaps more details about what actually happens in the book so that the reader has an idea what it is about. I am new to writing as well so please bear that in mind!
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper
I'll try and read more this weekend.

Hi there again. One small tip. If you wish to reply to a comment it is best to send a message, as the reviewer doesn't get to see your response unless they revisit your book.
Your pitch - Otherwise, things won't go the way Carl had once envisioned. If he doesn't, he will regret it forever. Can he save his life and his true love in time? This was the bit I didn't understand and I think needs to be reworded. Perhaps more details about what actually happens in the book so that the reader has an idea what it is about. I am new to writing as well so please bear that in mind!
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper
I'll try and read more this weekend.

This is all new to me. What do you suggest would help with my pitch? Glad you like it so far. Please tell me more whenever you get a chance. I've got friends and relatives telling me they like it. But I need unbiased opinions :) I'll take a look at your book as well.

I read the first chapter and will return tomorrow. I like your easy, accessible style. I think that your pitch could do with a little work to sell your story to the potential reader, perhaps by giving a little more detail as to what the story is about. It is interesting that you are using the present tense and I wonder why you have chosen to do this. I would be interested to know. I think some of the dialogue in the first part where his children and wife respond to his heart attack could do with a little tightening up to make it a little more dynamic. For example his wife asks if everything is okay when she has just been told they have sent for an ambulance. Clearly he is not okay!
All in all an interesting, enjoyable start. I'll be back.
Julia
Shadow Jumper (all comments gratefully received)

I read the first chapter and will return tomorrow. I like your easy, accessible style. I think that your pitch could do with a little work to sell your story to the potential reader, perhaps by giving a little more detail as to what the story is about. It is interesting that you are using the present tense and I wonder why you have chosen to do this. I would be interested to know. I think some of the dialogue in the first part where his children and wife respond to his heart attack could do with a little tightening up to make it a little more dynamic. For example his wife asks if everything is okay when she has just been told they have sent for an ambulance. Clearly he is not okay!
All in all an interesting, enjoyable start. I'll be back.
Julia
Shadow Jumper (all comments gratefully received)