ESCAPE

What a beautiful summer beach read this would make!
I've read all five chapters; the entirety of the first, heartwarming story, 'Escape', and the melancholy opening of 'Wade Through the Dark.'
At this point in time I have little idea where 'Wade Through the Dark' is going, but I hope it doesn't follow the pattern of the first story too much, as it already shares some key similarieties (a middle-aged, seafaring protagonist, exotic locations etc.) and I'm really enjoying the sense of a book that contrasts two stories, one of love found and one of love lost.
Your writing style is truly lovely, with just the amount of description I enjoy. All I can make in the way of suggestion is perhaps to integrate some of your exposition (explanation the character's life prior to the action of the story etc.) into the story itself to even out the pace and hold the reader's interest. All this would involve is some chopping and pasting though - the prose and story themselves are both utterly charming and very enjoyable.
Your writing is let down only very occasionally by the odd cliche, which undermines your talent. For instance "Life had never been smooth sailing for him" and "his heart sank" sound like stock phrases rather than truthful original description, but these instances are the exception rather than the rule.
Also "ten years have passed since" should be changed to past tense to fit in with the rest of the chapter.
Oh, and I love the recurring motif of Lady Fate and her fan in the second story - very Eastern!

When a couple of the books on my shelf reach the ED next month I plan to keep one rotating place on my shelf where I'll give certain books a couple of weeks boost, so I;ll keep 'Escape' on watch list with the intention of giving it a bit of shelf time later on.


Best wishes,
Rachel
The Diver's Brilliant Bow

Dear Valentine,

I very much enjoyed reading Escape. Your style is gentle, evocative, effortless in its simplicity. Some of your phrasing leads me to believe that English is not your first language, but that being said you are a very good writer. This unusual phraseology - for example 'birds of passage' - gives your narrator a wonderfully romantic and slightly exotic voice. May be this is your voice coming through, or may be you have created this voice specifically for Victor. Certainly your female readers will find themselves falling under his spell. When VIctoria emerges from the water, I half expected her to be a mermaid because of the fairy tale atmosphere you have created.

Thank you for sharing with us a sweet romance in a cynical age.

High stars

Kathryn Weller
Highway Code

Hi Valentine,
here's my promised return read. I've read the first three chapters and made some notes; hope you'll find them useful.

Pitch: I'm not sure about the as-natural-as-a-rainbow-when-it-rains analogy. You still need sun; rain alone won't suffice.

Chapter 1
Maybe try to get rid of at least one of the three variants of 'to be' in the first two sentences.
This chapter reads a little stiff and technical. I couldn't quite fathom what you were aiming at until the end and constantly had to re-read sentences to be sure I got them the way you intended them. The last paragraph (plus the last sentence, the page turner) reads perfectly different from the entire chapter. More fluent, more alive. To be honest, without that paragraph I might not even have read beyond the first chapter.
I'm a little at odds with your use of past tense and past perfect.

Chapter 2
A much better read. More show, less tell. The dialogue is alive and believable. Again you manage to end the chapter with a nice page turner.

Chapter 3
You bring an unexpected twist in here, which works to alleviate that this chapter is again a bit stiff and technical. Victoria appeared a bit shallow before, now she becomes a mystery. As for Victor, you write he's in his mid-forties, but he radiates the derision and disappointment of a much older man.

My conclusion after three chapters would be: You do dialogue very well. As your story has a clear MC and is written clearly from his POV you might think about treating his musings and inner thoughts like you treat your dialogues. Your story would gain much and appear more alive, more believable.

All the best,
Angelika

ESCAPE-Valentine But

Hi Valentine,

Ever since I saw that comment from 25 days ago, somewhere on the site, I’ve been meaning to look at your book. I hope you did not take it to heart. Those who are not given love cannot receive love, poor souls....

Anyway, I’m glad I read your story. It’s so nice to read something purely romantic for a change. It’s very well-written with a flowing, refined descriptive style. The story is sweet and promises hope. Twists at the end of the chapters add to the flow.

I believe we are in Crimea, where a lot of Tartar Turks like Mustapha live. The year, being 1999, is approximately ten years after the communist regime ended and SSRR ceased to be, coinciding with an era of mobster abundance and a lot of new money made on drugs and illegal businesses.

Your characters Victor and Victoria, nice touch about the names, come across quite vividly. I hope finally they will find the happiness they long for and continue to sail blissfully on the azure sea.

High stars, WL’D, Best wishes, Sebnem-The Child of Heaven

P.S. I found 1 typo:
ChII
She laughed- hadsilver (had silver) bells.....

Valentine,
I read your first three chapters and found myself pulled into the story. Which was surprising given I don't read romances and I realized this was a romance by the end of the first chapter. In fact, if this book was in print and sitting on my coffee table, I'd probably carry on reading it to the end. The chapters are a good length and you make excellent use of a hook at the end of each, always adding something new but believable in the context already developed.

As far as strengths go I'd say your dialogue is a big one. I especially enjoyed the interaction between Victor and Victoria, but the believable quality was consistent through the other dialogue as well.

Being in my forties myself, I appreciated aspects of the main character's perspective. Really enjoyed his fight with the three younger men as well!

As far as weaknesses, there are clearly some editing issues that need to be addressed. For example, there's some spacing problems at the starts of paragraphs - some beginning without any space, some with a tab or otherwise. Of course, that's about the easiest kind of editing to do.

A suggestion: shorten some of your longer paragraphs. I like the first one of the book, but I think its last sentence "Everyone tried enjoying every bit, every instant of departing summer" should be its own, one-line paragraph following the first. I think there are other very long paragraphs that might be broken up a little to inject some speedier rhythms into the more reflective parts of the narrative, particularly in the first chapter. However, these in general are well written.

My main problem with the story as a whole has to do with atmosphere. I found myself surprised every time I encountered references like Zhigooly, Jarylguch, or KGB border guards, because I kept forgetting the story had this setting. Probably I find this region so unexpected and unknown that my brain needs more details, even more everyday words in the local language, to be convinced about where I am when I read it.

Anyway, you've got an enjoyable read here and a good premise that I think readers will relate to. High stars from me.

Edward
The Black Dionysia

Beautifully written. Makes me want to go sailing myself. I like how you take the reader as if we are there in Victor's head. Thank you for sharing. I will continue to read and comment as I go.

Bethany

Hi Valentine,
I just wrote a long commentary and authonomy dumped the whole thing. I will attempt to reconstruct it. . .

Your writing is very sensual. I would recommend trimming some of your modifiers, things like "little", "strange", these are not strong adjectives. Your visual's would become even more tactile if you work on tightening.

Chapter 1 is an expository segment explaining our character's backstory. I think I would like to see dramatized his decision to leave to chase his old dream, perhaps an exchange with one of his children, worried he would die at sea. Then I want to see him set out. I would rather he set out before he meets the blonde beauty, he's committed to chase his dream. He may meet the dream woman somewhat early in this adventure, but as I've just read the first two chapters, I'm not sure.

Chapter 2 is scene work, and it is mechanically good. But it lacks the descriptive flair of chapter 1. I would try to marry these two, bring some of his backstory into the scene with Victoria. Perhaps she digs into his past a bit. And I'd like to know where he is. Obviously, he's on a boat, somewhere where you swim in bikinis without freezing. So, setting the scene would help. Your style in the two chapters is very opposite, which isn't always a negative, but I don't think it adds to this. I also don't understand why you have withheld his name until the middle of chapter two.

Very nice start. I hope I was of some help, and best of luck with this.

Terry
Three Wells of the Sea

A lovely, heart warming story which romance readers will no doubt love. A perfect setting for it too, and you obviously know about boats! It’s also interesting because of the age gap.
Here are my thoughts for ESCAPE which I typed as reading which I hope may be some use in your next edit:
Pitch: Lovely imagery in your pitch for ‘Escape’
C1
Why not just ‘Summer was coming to an end’? – Just a thought!
Again, love the way you use imagery – the passing of Summer. ‘Melancholy breath’ – very poetic.
The innocence of the birds in your opening works very well.
You naturally move into the man’s background.
Wasn’t sure what a zhigooly was?! Must be a cultural term.
Again – great description used – Winter leaving silver threads in your character’s hair.
Excellent references to sailing and life – a brilliant opportunity for a wealth of metaphors. You contrast the idealism of freedom and motions with reality and its toils really well. He makes sure that he fulfils his responsibilities. Wow – this really makes you also want to cast off your responsibilities and enjoy freedom.
Lovely literary writing – becomes more ‘concrete’ when your protagonist sets off, saying bye to his loved ones. You really capture this man’s feelings – it is sad that his dream has changed by the time he has chance to fulfil it and you feel empathy for this character.
Minor quibble: would ‘despite all his curiosity’ be more effective?
Natural hook for next Chapter.
Chapter 2: I get the sense that this is going to be in the present: as if C1 was building up to this meeting he will have. There will be a sense of anticipation from the reader.
There’s quite a contrast here – this Chapter is more immediate and direct, with character interaction. I prefer this one because of this. Also, interesting what you say and how you present thoughts- I think that there are two ways to do it?
Being picky: would he be able to smell her skin (which is a good description) – is he close enough? Make it more explicit if he is helping her up?
Better phrase than ‘How nice it was’?
Again another ‘hook ending’ and the Chapters s so far are easy to read and a good length. Well done! High stars from me!

This felt effortless to me, and it had a very good, relaxing feel, and you do a great job at capturing the character and placing me in his mindset. And I quite like the sense that something else is going on here besides a simple coincidence.

I wrote down a few notes as I read, though they're all quite minor, and are likely subjective:
- A couple of times, the dialogue felt a tad bit stiff to me, like “You are still strong.” and “You are observant,” though this could just be how I read them.
- A few details about the girl were repeated a bit often for me in chapter 2, particularly the fact that she has grey eyes, as it seemed to be stated again every time her eyes were mentioned.
- I also thought something could possibly be mentioned about how similar their names are, with “Victor” and “Victoria,” as I thought this was quite striking, personally.
- small editing issue: “hadsilver bells above the water.”

As I said, though, those were all very minor quibbles. I thought this was very well done, and the story really drew me in so far.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

Hi Valentine,

I've been meaning to get back to your short stories 'Escape' as I only managed to read the first one.

There is no doubt that you have sailing in your blood.

Having known South-Africans, I liked the fact that 'Wade through the Dark' was set in Simons Town Maria, Cape Town.

Dick Woendberg was well described, and his impatience to set sail the following day in spite of the wind and sound advice from his friend, Dirk, sounds authentic but troubling for a sea-lover.

Wealthy and successful, it was hard to understand Dick's reluctance to dine at the restaurant as planned before he sets sail in the morning. And when I found that the place held some painful memories, I was intrigued to know what they were.

The fact that he lost his wife, Lizzie, overboard while sailing was tragic. It completely devastated his life, so much that he seems to be the victim of post-traumatic stress disorder as he experiences dreams of seeing her in the sea and trying to rescue her. It is this that makes his fatalist attitude towards his own safety as he plans to set sail in spite of unfavourable weather.

An enjoyable short story.

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)
P.S. Illegitmus non carborundum

I accept your offer to swap reads and I have backed your book.

Thanks for backing mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith.

Best wishes,
John.

I finished your story.

I am going to make this review quick because there is not much useful to say.

Your writing style is wasted on typical, underdeveloped, sentimental, romantic garbage such as this.

Now, I admit I am the wrong person to go to for advice regarding romantic fiction as the simplicity of the subject has always bored me.

I suppose my opinions regarding this matter are also biased because I believe the hope for a lasting romance
to be a product of either sentimentality, isolation or naivety. Maybe sometimes it is all of the above.

In my experience even creatures as complex as human beings can get boring after awhile.

The point is I cannot give you my honest opinion on this story without saying I absolutely detest it.

I have always been the kind of guy who sees a potential comrade and looks back to the puzzle pieces sprawled out across the floor instead of chatting him up and boring myself to death with details I have already
all but ascertained.

I know who most people are before they do and thus it is no fun to even bother with them.

Neurotypicals are boring and by extension the romance genre is boring too.

When I read fiction I want to see something I cannot possibly locate in my boring everyday life.

I want style and I want grandiosity. I do not want this world's perception of reality nor do I want the hopes and dreams every lonely man (Including myself) has allowed to plague his mind.

I want originality and I want a puzzle. I want the endless possibility of fantasy and at the same time I want a teeny tiny taste of the bleak reality that belongs to the average human cynic.

Romance is none of these things. Romance bores me and thus my opinion will not do you much good.
This is your genre and I hate it. There is nothing you can do about that.

I will not add or subtract any stars from your ranking seeing as that would be unfair.

However you asked for my review and you have gotten it.

I am sorry that I could not have been more helpful.

Have a good day Mr. Valentine.

Sincerely,

W.D. Frank

Thank you, dear Mr. W.D. Frank for your sincere review. The Germans say,Jedem das Seine.

I finished your story.

I am going to make this review quick because there is not much useful to say.

Your writing style is wasted on typical, underdeveloped, sentimental, romantic garbage such as this.

Now, I admit I am the wrong person to go to for advice regarding romantic fiction as the simplicity of the subject has always bored me.

I suppose my opinions regarding this matter are also biased because I believe the hope for a lasting romance
to be a product of either sentimentality, isolation or naivety. Maybe sometimes it is all of the above.

In my experience even creatures as complex as human beings can get boring after awhile.

The point is I cannot give you my honest opinion on this story without saying I absolutely detest it.

I have always been the kind of guy who sees a potential comrade and looks back to the puzzle pieces sprawled out across the floor instead of chatting him up and boring myself to death with details I have already
all but ascertained.

I know who most people are before they do and thus it is no fun to even bother with them.

Neurotypicals are boring and by extension the romance genre is boring too.

When I read fiction I want to see something I cannot possibly locate in my boring everyday life.

I want style and I want grandiosity. I do not want this world's perception of reality nor do I want the hopes and dreams every lonely man (Including myself) has allowed to plague his mind.

I want originality and I want a puzzle. I want the endless possibility of fantasy and at the same time I want a teeny tiny taste of the bleak reality that belongs to the average human cynic.

Romance is none of these things. Romance bores me and thus my opinion will not do you much good.
This is your genre and I hate it. There is nothing you can do about that.

I will not add or subtract any stars from your ranking seeing as that would be unfair.

However you asked for my review and you have gotten it.

I am sorry that I could not have been more helpful.

Have a good day Mr. Valentine.

Sincerely,

W.D. Frank

you show off your skills with full effect for this book...the combination of narrative and dialogue works very well indeed...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Valentine,

I read the first three chapters.

Your writing is beautiful, lyrical, almost musical in tone. I love the line: "gray autumn rains came and long winters left their silver threads in his hair." Quite lovely, and very poignant. Gray hairs - I know the feeling! Your descriptions of the light on the surface of the water, and of the weather, made these chapters come alive.

The style of this story has such a timeless quality about it, that it could have been written last week, or 60 years ago.

There was only one minor niggle that brought me up short so that I had to read through the dialogue again, and that was:

'Absolutely not. I have to be at my place at seven sharp and that's all.'

I think you could lose the 'and', it doesn't quite fit and works better without.

'Absolutely not. I have to be at my place at seven sharp, that's all.'

Well done on gorgeous writing that has been borne out of life's rich experience. Highly starred.

Jane x

Hi Valentine. I read all you posted. There is a poetic beauty to your words. Your writing style captures the reader with vivid descriptions and lovely thoughts. There were parts where I wished Escape was a longer story, wanting to go deeper into the characters’ minds. Victor is quite a romantic. :) And what is it that Mrs. Fate has planned for Bob? What a sad, sad story, but your last line gives me hope.
I noticed a few little things, but nothing major. Please ignore them if they’re not helpful.
Ch.1:
- “… he had encountered with hypocrisy and treachery, …” (Would it sound better without “with”?)
- Tall and slender(,) she was walking so …

Ch.3:
- It was not a(n) unusual midsummer breeze.

Ch.4:
- When he opened his eyes for the second time(,) the pain was still…
- He tried to recollect how he had got (gotten) there(,) but couldn’t.
- His anger toward her little by little evaporated. (evaporated little by little).

Ch. 5:
- “Tomorrow is the day to quit this life on the chain, I think.(“)
- … and show his emotions in public(,) for it was the place where twenty years ago he had met his grey-eyed angel, his Lizzie.
- … but the very first look to inside witnessed she was not there. (you don’t need “to”)
- Never in his life had he felt so helpless and lone. (alone)

Beautiful writing that surely comes from the heart. I wish you the very best of luck. Top stars.
L-
EBO

Hi, Valentine,


I just read the first 3 chapters.
I read this ages ago and returned. You've made a lot of improvemenets to this and it was an easeir read this time around. Ironed out some quirks too. She's more beleivable and so are his reactions. I shelved you a whil ago and will do so again.

will be back to read more.
Nancy
Backward Glances

P.s. glad you left toe boat talk in. I mean about her lines and those things.

Valentine:

I have read all you have uploaded. I was going to read the comments on your work but decided not to. I did not want to be swayed by them. I am glad you asked for a read swap.

This is beautiful, lovely writing. You have a silver tongue with words. I am hopelessly in love with the ocean, boats, and birds. I was there with your descriptions. I am not sure I can do this work justice but I will try. There is a certain sadness about your writing and it is subtle perhaps but it is there. (or is it me?) He seems to get another beginning with this woman and you describe his feelings about that flawlessly. Some other descriptions that jumped at me were:
"like a young, eager foal"
"unstable surface seemed like granite for her"
'His share of immortal love had been already drained dry" (had already been drained dry?)
"I've talked you cold and dead"
'Laughed silver bells above the water" Lovely but what does it mean? I assume cheerful beautiful laughter?
Some expressions are foreign to U.S. ears but beautiful nonetheless.
The style and mood takes a complete U-turn with the fight. Then we go again to the last and the voyage and happiness once more.

'Walk Through the Dark'
You speak again of the grey-eyed beauty and the love the MC has for her and the reader is envious of this. Then the reader feels the panic and bone-grinding loss and void that can't be filled.
some typos:
'They've spent unforgettable'. Should it be they'd or they had?
'You badly cut your leg then' Just me but maybe 'you cut your leg badly'
Happiness probably should not be capitalized.
'Watching life passing"...love that.
'Mrs. Fate waved the fan'...
'The hell of single handed'

All that said, I guess I enjoyed this work as much as anything I have read since I got on this site over a year ago.
High stars and backed.
ShirleyGrace

Hi Valentine,
I really enjoyed your touching descriptions of the landscapes and the moods. It makes the reader feel as though they were there, inside Victor's head, looking at the star-spangled sky and listening to the birds. Also, I feel the same way, I've always envied birds for their ability to just spread their wings and fly away.
Your writing comes so light and natural that it I didn't even notice I was already at chapter four when the story ended.

Great job. You're highly starred.

All the best,
Nicola
The Burden of the Badge

Hello there--here for our swap
You have a great ability to paint pictures with your words. Your writing is clean and flows nicely--I'm wishing I would have read the pitch though, since I'm not entirely sure what is happening--my fault. I've jotted a few notes, nothing major. High stars from me. Well done!

All my best to you, Geneva

Hieroglyphs for a baboon--ha ha, love that line!

For me the story began a little slow and the scene out in the alley took me by surprise--it really wasn't what I expected at the onset. Nice action though.

Chapter 4
--When he opened (his) eyes...
--I'm a little confused by the 'Winter 1999' at the end of this chapter and moving on to chapter 5 of the upload confused me as well since it says chapter 1 in the heading... is this the same story?

Hi!

Here for our read swap.

Firstly I have to say that your descriptions are beautiful, visual and very touching. Reading your chapters has made me want to sail away myself!

As for escape Victor is a great character, likeable and just very ... real. I loved the idea of Victoria falling in love with him as a teenager and carrying an idea of him in her head ever since - especially after all that she's been through.

A little editing point in chapter 2: 'He said trying to sound ironically' I presume it should be 'trying to sound ironic' or 'he said ironically'

There is a line in chapter 3 which I absolutely loved 'But far from contempt he sometimes felt sorrow for those evolution-blind who partly lost, partly killed their natural senses'
This for me showcases all of the wisdom of your writing!
You had a lovely sentence to finish the story.

As for 'Wade through the dark' I found Bob's search for Lizzie very moving, to the point that I had tears in my eyes as I read it. I also really liked your description of 'Lady Fate' and her fan - I've never actually heard this before so wasn't sure if it was an image you'd created or something already established - either way, it's very strong.

High stars and watch listed as something that deserves support!
Isabel

Val
I looked through the reviews you have received on your two stories. Some have taken the time and effort to go through your writing very meticulously, so I will not repeat what has already been said.
In my humble opinion you have the gift of literary craftsmanship. Your characters are vivid and your prose quite classic. You have a way with words and I enjoyed the descriptive writing. Not the lazy meretricious speech of many modern writers.
I’ll back Escape as soon as some space opens on my shelf.
If you add any more stories, please let me know.
I wish you well on this site and all success with your work.
Jenny :)

Review of Escape

Overall impressions:

A beautiful story with likeable and deep characters, very atmospheric, some good drama, not really my favourite genre, but very well executed, and worthy of what I'm going to do below:

Wade Through the Dark is of a similar high quality as far as it goes in your upload here, but I haven't gone through the specific issues with that, since it would then only be polished in its beginning.


I know you only wanted me to tell you when your linguistic quirks make it unreadable, but I'd like to also suggest ways to make your prose shine, by pointing out places where the beautiful flow of your descriptions is interrupted and lost, even when it is clear what you mean. I hope that is okay with you?


Specific issues:

Chapter 1:

"Days were still warm, sometimes hot,"

I think it would flow better if you inserted 'The' before 'days'


"Those days the crowded beaches roared even louder."

Even louder than what?

I think you either need another word before 'those', suggest going for

'On those days'

or 'During those days'

or removing 'those days entirely, and state what the beaches were louder than, perhaps something like:

"The crowded beaches roared louder than ever"

"The crowded beaches roared ever louder"

Or "Each day the crowded beaches roared louder than the last"


"He slept badly, often getting up and sitting on the warm planks of the deck, watching the transparent abyss, spangled with millions of stars, above his head."

Too many commas here, suggest rearranging to:

"He slept badly, often getting up and sitting on the warm planks of the deck, watching the transparent abyss spangled with millions of stars."


"Being really wonderful, they were filled with some unexpected restlessness and gave him a strange half-forgotten feeling, like that of a bird of passage."

Is this supposed to be a contrast between the first clause and the rest of the sentence? If so, I suggest rewording to:

"Wonderful as they were, they were filled with an unexpected restlessness and gave him a strange half-forgotten feeling of being a migrating bird"


"He seemed to hear the same sadness as his own in their little voices"

I think this would work better as:

"He seemed to hear his own sadness in their little voices"


"They lived their simple natural life, as all their unsophisticated did for centuries and centuries"

had, not did.


"never trying to make profits or lay in stock"

I don't know what you were trying to say with 'lay in stock'. Invest in stocks and shares? Stockpile supplies for the future? Something else? Whatever you mean, 'lay in stock' is not the way to say it.


"Sometimes he envied them a bit for he had never been as free and careless in all his life as they were."

The word 'bit' jars here, it doesn't match the gently lyrical tone you've gone for. Suggest replacing with 'little', adding a semicolon immediately afterwards and removing the word 'for', then it flows smoothly.


"He dreamt of buying or building a yacht and sail around the world."

Should be sailing, not sail, since that's also part of his dream.


"the surf on reefs and huts of naive natives reflecting in calm waters of a lagoon."

Lots of little things here. Suggest:

"the surf breaking over reefs and the huts of naïve natives reflected in the calm waters of a lagoon."


"It had been too unreal for the country where the most people played their small parts behind the Iron Wall - which seemed to exist forever – and were not allowed to have other dreams but glorifying their sage leaders."

It's Iron Curtain rather than Iron Wall, and this is awkward phrasing. Some alternatives to consider:

"It had been impossible/unthinkable/too unrealistic for a country where everyone/almost everyone/most people played their little parts behind the Iron Curtain – which seemed eternal/to have existed forever/to last forever – and were allowed no other dream than to glorify their sage leaders."


"but he liked it greatly."

It would be better to say "but he loved it dearly."


"life had already caught him."

either "life had already caught hold of him."

or "life had already caught up with him."


"He'd accepted the chain and one of the reasons for that was he found it sweet"

Awkward phrasing here. Suggestion:

"He'd accepted the chains, partly because they were a source of delight/he delighted in them."


"Life was not a festive fair for him. Crossing that wide field, he had to encounter hypocrisy and treachery, despair and the bitter smack of vanished love."

A lot of analogies here, and unfortunately none of them work that well. Suggestions:


"Life had never been a fairground ride for him/ Life had never been smooth sailing for him/ Life had been a rocky path for him. Along the way /As he crossed those murky waters/ On his journey he had encountered/met with hypocrisy and treachery, despair and the bitter taste of love grown cold/ love evaporating."


"stopped gluing the collapsing relations with"

should be "stopped trying to glue together the collapsing relationship with"


"stirred the whole of his previous life"

shook, not stirred. Stirred would mean it woke it up or gave it new energy.

"she was of that little folk, who are good only for good weather"

I'm not sure what you mean by 'little' here,

Small-minded? (I think that's what you mean here)

Relatively few?

Dishonourable?

There is a phrase for the second half of your sentence, so suggestion:

"she was one of those small-minded folk who is only ever a fair-weather friend."


"But there was no time for emotions."

Should be "But there was no time to wallow in his emotions."


"The work didn't give him much profit,"

should be "The work didn't bring in much profit,"

Or "It wasn't very profitable work,"


"Here, on board he had stocks of food and fresh water that would…"

should be "He had stocks of food and fresh water on board that would…"


"All necessary things were prepared, all papers signed and clearance taken."

Should be "Everything he needed was prepared, all the papers signed and clearance given."


"all the cannibal charity of Soviet laws"

It's a great turn of phrase, but use cannibalistic instead of canibal.


"he was no longer the same chap who once, a quarter of a century ago, had decided to have a look at faraway lands"

'chap' clashes with the tone of the rest of your text, go for 'man' instead.

'have a look at' doesn't fit. Suggest 'seek out', 'explore', 'visit', 'travel to' or 'sail to'.


"in spite of all his curiosity, he never managed to see that thing."

It's better to say 'despite' instead of 'in spite of', it flows better. Also use 'what it was' instead of 'that thing'


"Nevertheless, it happened."

'Nevertheless' is an awkward word to use. Suggest using 'But then' instead.


Chapter 2:

"that could not be produced either by boat or by the sea alone."

should be "that could not be have been made by the boat or the sea itself."


"The anchorage was some few cables from the beach"

should be "His anchorage was just a few cables from the beach", unless you mean something else here?


"He opened his eyes and watched for some time two oval-shaped spots of rosy sunlight moving slowly on the inner wall of the cabin."

It's a nice image, but you need to rearrange your wording slightly. You watch movement, so that movement needs to be closest to the verb instead of the 'objects' that are moving I think specifying the type of movement would also help. Suggestion:

"He opened his eyes and for some time watched the slow back-and-forth/up-and-down movement of two oval-shaped spots of rosy sunlight on the inner wall of the cabin."


"She wasn't a regular beauty"

conventional, not regular


"that remains of his sleep evaporated like haze"

either go for 'that the remains', or 'that what remained'


"He sighed and gained his voice"

regained, not gained. Gained would mean he didn't have it before.


Now I'm not sure if you intended this to be the two of them speaking in slightly broken English. If so, ignore all my corrections to your dialogue. I'm guessing that it's really them speaking in their own native language and you 'translating' the whole scene for an English audience, in which case please consider those suggestions. In the later chapters I've left Mustapha's dialogue uncorrected, since it reflects his accent, and the parts when Victor is addressing Igor, since that could be Victor impersonating Igor's accent.


"but I don't feel sorry. Not every day such pretty girls do it."

should be: "but I'm not sorry/don't feel sorry*. Its not every day that such pretty girls do it."

* depending on whether he is telling her that she shouldn't feel sorry or just telling her that he doesn't regret it.


"I just thought how to call her."

should be: "I just didn't know what to call her."


"I know what schooner looks like"

should be: "I know what a schooner looks like"


"She has a rigging of a sloop"

should be: "She has the rigging of a sloop"


"Yes sure, I like old fashioned yachts."

should be: "Yes of course, I like old-fashioned yachts."


"He sneered ironically."

This seems a little harsh and out of character for him, as he seems to be a sensitive and honourable soul. Maybe it would be better to go for something like:

"He looked away in annoyed disappointment"


"Will it suit?"

should be "Will this do?"


"He leaned overboard and stretched his hands"

should be: "He leaned overboard and stretched out his arms/reached down with his arms."


"her smooth dark skin smelt of sea"

should be: " her smooth dark skin smelt of the sea"


"trying to calculate at the same time what on Earth her words could mean. The calculations didn't help."

should be: " at the same time trying to work out what on Earth her words could mean. His calculations didn't help."

"She took out pins letting the silky waterfall of her hair down."

need a comma after pins, but I think you could go a little further here:

"She took some pins out of her hair, letting that silky waterfall down to its full length."


"silky eyelashes covered grey flames of her eyes."

If you mean that her eyes were always like grey flames, then change this to:

"silky eyelashes covered the grey flames of her eyes."

If you mean that her eyes 'flamed' at this time, then change this to:

"silky eyelashes covered the grey flames in her eyes."


"She conquered a minute embarrassment and looked her own self again"

should be: "She conquered this minor embarrassment and looked herself again"


In general, you should try to cut down on the number of speech identifier tags that only say who is talking and don't describe any other actions being taken, they're not needed in the vast majority of cases, especially when there are only two people talking with no-one else around.


"I was so frightened, that I couldn't even squeal"

Either use 'that' or the comma after frightened, not both.


"He touched a hardly noticeable scar."

If he's physically touching her leg, then I'd expect some sort of reaction from her. If you don't want to break the flow of the conversation, then perhaps just have him glance at it instead?


"couldn't understand why the boat was going on, moving further and further away, why you didn't apply brakes to stop her."

should be: "couldn't understand why the boat kept going, moving further and further away, why you didn't apply the brakes to stop her."


"So that's you, little lady."

should be: "So that was you, little lady."


"He poured coffee into cups, put out biscuits"

use 'and' instead of the comma here.


"Sometimes she helped him by mooring and every time eagerly took his invitations to day-voyaging."
should be: "Sometimes she helped him with mooring and always eagerly accepted his invitations to day voyages."


"She asked about common things"

ordinary, not common.


"about some funny happenings and trifles of that sort"

should be "about some funny things that happened and other trivial things"

or "some funny anecdotes and other trivialities"


"Some long forgotten feeling"

long-forgotten


"tried to change the note."

should be: "tried to change the tone."


"there were substantial grounds for that."

Missing closing inverted commas here.


"all the surface of the eastern part of the bay"

should be "the whole surface of the eastern part of the bay"


"etched cleary upon the gleaming water"

I think you mean "etched cleary against the gleaming water", as in the gleaming water was in the background?


Chapter 3:

"during all these years of party-boating"

all those years


"midsummerday breeze"

should be: "midsummer breeze"


"Its fresh breathing"

should be: "Its fresh breath"


"He took sails, carried them from inside the cabin..."

Either go for:

"He picked up the sails, carried them from inside the cabin..."

or "He took the sails from inside the cabin..."


"first the mainsail, then jib"

should be: "then the jib"


"he thrust jib sheets through deck leads"

If this is a familiar routine for him, then you need 'the' before both 'jib sheets' and 'deck leads'



"nor feelings of a prisoner"

add 'the' before 'feelings'


"This belief was proved by his life experiences"

use 'confirmed' or 'strengthened' instead of 'proved'


"sorrow for those evolution-blind"

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here,

People blinded by their belief in evolution, or people who have evolved to become blind, or something else?


"he couldn't take the morning visit as an accidental one."

Should be either: "he couldn't view the morning visit as accidental."

Or "he couldn't take the morning visit to be accidental."


"He felt he couldn't start without clearing up the point."

Should be "He felt he couldn't start out without clearing up the matter."


"Elvina, a small restaurant at the end of the pier was half-empty."

Need a second comma after 'pier'


"short-cut hair of the colour of the raven's wing"

should be: "short-cut hair the colour of a raven's wing"


"the cat-grace of her movements"

should be: "the catlike grace of her movements."

"Once he wasn't a bad dancer himself"

should be "There'd been a time when he wasn't a bad dancer himself"


"His only wish was that the music should never stop"

should be: "would never stop"


"He thanked and was going to follow…"

should be: "He thanked her and was going to follow…"


"…everything in this world has to be paid?"

should be "…everything in this world has to be paid for?"


"all the offence and amazement of the world"

should be: "in the world"


need closing inverted commas after 'wives as bait.' and 'just for you'


"shook his head with affected regret"

should be: "shook his head with feigned regret"


"He was desperately trying to reign in his temper"

rein (restrict, control), not reign (rule as a monarch)


"but Victor had no wish for him to do that."

should be: "but Victor had no intention of letting him to do that."


" 'woman is a net' "

should be " 'a woman is a net' "


"Maybe, but what did it change?"

"Maybe, but what difference did it make?"


Chapter 4


" as well as silence"

should be " as did the silence."

"to be in such group"

should be "to be in such a group"


"Promise, you wont laugh"

Lose the comma here.


"on mixed-up diskettes of his memory"

needs a 'the' before 'mixed'


"wind whisteld in stays"

in the stays


"all his routs would lead to nowhere"

routes, not routs, but I think 'journeys' would fit better here.


"this little known"

barely known would fit better here, I think


"You're the prettiest girl, I've ever seen"

Lose the comma here.


"He was not going to waste any minute of it"

should be: "He was not going to waste a minute of it"


"about thieving gods their patrons with all their little ways;"

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Possible suggestions:

"about thieving gods who cheat their patrons in all their little ways"

"such gods of thievery with all their little tricks"

Or something else?


Overall, I'm very impressed with your work, especially for a non-native speaker, I give it 5 stars. Once it is polished I wouldn't hesitate to give it 6 stars and a place on my shelf.

Read Swap
beautiful opening chapter, and a great hook "it happened" - awesome stuff
just like the hook at the end of the second chapter as well - though i think this could be written differently... i think it should have it's own line, and "there was also another reason" lies a little flat.

it's a great hook in that i want to turn the page to see what the reason is, but as far as hooks go, it seems more like an unfinished sentence...

maybe "There was, of course, another reason he could not deny her." - or some such...

oh and there was a missing end quote on something Victoria said... hmm... let's see if i can find it... ah here, "by the way, there were substantial grounds for that" - needs end quote

and this read funny to me:
"She was light, very light; nearly as light as his younger daughter. Her smooth dark skin smelt of sea. Patches of sunlight reflecting from the water danced in her grey eyes as she looked at him." - is she light or dark skinned? i think you mean light as referring to weight, but this is unclear
and there are many times throughout the story that her grey eyes are mentioned...

another great hook at the end of chapter 3 - you certainly are good at this!

hmm i'm not sure if 'cacophony' is used correctly in chapter 4 - i think it should be more like "through the cacophony of noise still sounding in his ears" - though maybe that 'of noise' isn't necessary? i'm not 100% sure

"But if you give me a couple of hours..." - hilarious! i love it

alright - i like that this is a short story and so you skip right to the punch - though for some reason when i read 'incomplete' i really thought the story would continue somewhere to her husband getting his way, and more on the drug-trade.
you skip through the fight scene a little too quickly, one minute they're at the bar, the next they are running, and then he's pretty much blacking out after a few punches... it's just a bit too blurry for me, and i'd like some detail there

otherwise - i like the premise of the story, with the dreams coming true, and fate... it's a bit like the Alchemist in a weird short story way :)


cheers,
Jaclyn
My Life Without Me

Escape

I knew I was going to like the style of this even before I began reading as I very much enjoyed the albeit brief exchange of messages I've had with Valentine. The style is nice and light and readable. As to the English, and please forgive me if I am completely off the mark, not intending any offence at all, but would I be right in thinking English is not your first language, or certainly not the one you use all the time? Yours sometimes has what I would describe as a slightly quaint note, which perfectly suits the character of Victor, so perhaps that is the sole reason you chose it?

Through sheer shortage of time and no other reason, I have just read the first two chapters, but will certainly come back for more when time allows.

Very best of luck with this

Tottie Limejuice
Sell the Pig

Hi Valentine,

I enjoyed reading the prose in your short story 'Escape,' you really have a wonderful way with words.

The restlessness Victor feels is told with excellent imagery.

The dialogue is believable and the is plot is intriguing making it a page-turner.

I wish you good luck with it,

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

Escape is a great title for this book, two soothing vignettes of nautical life where the first is about Victor, a dreamer, with the balls to set sail into the sunset. He longs for freedom and finds it in a sloop and in the lithe form of a girl called Victoria. But the visit is no accidental one, a premonition perhaps. I wanted to know what Victor looked like and although it’s hard to describe the MC especially when in his POV; most readers are desperate for some insight. What if he should catch his reflection in the ship’s bell? Just a thought.

CH2 steps away from a descriptive piece and relies more on dialogue. You have a refreshingly rapid pace to the attraction between them instead of the tedious traipse we often experience in books. You have some wonderful imagery here of Igor, the skinhead, and his beak-nosed sidekick in CH3. The fight scene had me hooked and I liked the way the chapter ended in a wave of black, at least for Victor. CH4 we learn Victoria’s part in all of this. Married to a drug dealer, she certainly knows the pitfalls of riches.

I read all the chapters uploaded here and decided this book reads as if it is being told out loud, like stories around a campfire. Only we’re on deck listening to the creaking boom and the water chuckling against the hull. High stars for such a dreamy ride. I hope you upload some more. Claire – The Snare of the Fowler.

I've read the first story and like it very much. Your language sometimes has strange lilt to it but it didn't detract from the story at all, for me. You conveyed well his longing for the adventure and his reluctance to go. I liked that a lot as it's realistic. Many people dream, few follow that dream. Thank for a lovely story and the beautiful imagery it contains.

Hi NautaV,
Sorry this has taken me so long! I read your first 4 chapters this morning. I loved the story. I loved the characters and the sense of fate at hand. I loved the idea of Victor chasing his dream (ok, slight offense at 43 being old! Ha!)

The one thing I noticed, and it is particularly obvious in CH 1, is that you tend to use a lot of commas! It makes the sentences quite long and causes the reader to have to slow down to grasp the meaning.
For instance: Lying in his berth, he watched them from inside the cabin through the opened hatch, sitting on the railings and twittering tenderly. - here you change from what Victor is doing to what the birds are doing, you might consider changing it to: ...through the open hatch as they sat upon the railings...

This sentence: They lived their simple natural life... Has 6 commas. You might consider breaking it into multiple sentences.

I saw only 1 thing I thought might be a typo: ...building a yacht and sail around the world (sailing)
All in all, I enjoyed the story very much. You must be quite a sailor, you write about the boat and the water very well. (My father-in-law is a sailor, so while I have some knowledge, it is not on the same scale as yours!)
Best wishes!
Mindy

Glory

A very belated return read for Shadow Jumper.
I have read all of your first story and it is truly lovely. I have nothing else to add as you have done a marvellous job of editing and I couldn't find any particular errors that need correcting. You certainly have a talent for short story writing.
All the best with it.
High stars.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Escape - I read the entire first book. It was well written and drew me in. The reality of Victor's life vs his simple uncomplicated dream of a true love were sweetly told with vivid imagery. Well done. High stars

Cindy
CADreilling - The Line Beginnings

{Wade Through The Dark} COMPLETE READ

natuaV,

This is a wonderful short work. I was once again transported out to sea in this very real read and the story between the man and his wife pulled at my heart strings. This is very well done and I greatly enjoyed my read today! I'm hoping you'll upload more stories sometime so that I can have the chance to enjoy more of your work!

Have a great day!

- Scott

P.s. Thanks for trying with Amazon, I definutely understand. If you'd like to be friends on Facebook that would be cool. Have a fantastic day!

{Escape} Chapter 4 and COMPLETED READ

natuaV,

I had some free time this morning and so I thought I'd come over and escape into this wonderful read. So relaxing and enjoyable, I was swept away once more into this beautiful story, and felt a part of it as I read. The feelings between Victor and the young lady feel so full and real and you really did an excellent job of building the emotions between them and soothing us as we read. This is a shorter work, and perfect at that length. Someday, when I'm having a hard day, I'm going to take a break, return to Escape and relax again in this wonderful read!

I highly suggest this book to anyone who loves a relaxing romance and a story that is well thought out and orrigional!

I'll be back to read {Wade Through The Dark} soon. Thanks so much for the always enjoyable read!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

P.s. Thank you so much for trying to post a review to Amazon.com. If you are able to in the future I would be honored! Have an amazing day!

I read the first three chapters of Escape and I found myself doing just that! It is a lovely story so far, with lots of scenic imagery that led me straight into Victor's world. Enjoyed reading it very much and have made just a couple of comments as a suggestion below.

Chapter One - on fifth paragraph it may sound better by writing... He dreamt of buying or building a yacht
Chapter Two - You wrote "What if so" may sound better " what if I was" or " what if I am"
Chapter Three- rather than sipping cool drink sipping a or his cool drink.

Just a couple of things I noticed but adored reading the story and will be highy starring it.

I recommend others to take a look.

Michelle Richardson- 43 Primrose Avenue

{Escape} CHAPTER 3

natuaV,

I just finished reading Chapter 3 and I found myself escaping again into this wonderful world. And I've realised the double meaning here, in that it is an escape for the reader and main character, and I'm hoping an escape for the girl as well. You are great with susense here and I am anxious to read on and know where the story goes! I'll be back soon for more! Thanks so much for uploading this for us to enjoy!

Have a great day! If you have the opportunity, I would love to have a review from you of Eden Legacy on Amazon.com!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

I read Chapter 1 of Wade Through the Dark

I liked your introduction about "Doctor Cape". Bob's love of sailing quickly shines through, but there's a hint of danger when Dirk advises waiting on shore for another week.
When Bob thinks back to twenty years ago, it's clear how much he loved his wife and how traumatised he was after losing her.The search for Lizzie is powerful, especially when he imagines her in the sea and then in the cabin...very effecrive.
There's a good hook at the end of the chapter and I would like to read more of this. Are you uploading more?
Just a few nits:
1.I feel that the sentence beginning "He looked back at his anchorage neighbour..." is too long. Could you end sentence at "Simons Town" and then start new one with "Dirk had just come aboard..."
2.I think you need a new paragraph for Dirk's reply to Bob, ie before "Tommorrow? Hey man, if I were you..."
3."...accumulating in your flash and bones"...should flash be flesh?
4."...when [he] lost his Lizzie" ("he" missing).
Hope this helps. Good luck with this. I'm giving you a high star rating and hope to read more.
Cherry
The Girl from Ithaca

ESCAPE
Valentine But

A lovely love story, beautifully expressed. It’s true – we shouldn’t abandon our dreams!

I like the little bit of humour, fox example in chapter 4: she says, “… I want to have your baby…” and he replies, “... I don't feel up to it just now, but if you give me a couple of hours...”

Starred.

I made some notes about minor editing issues in chapter 2:

There was nothing in particular about it .
Remove the space before the full stop (period).

The next bit needs rewriting to make it clearer:
“Hi! Actually you did, but I don’t feel sorry. Not every day such pretty girls do it.”

You need a comma rather than a full stop:
“Affirmative.” he noticed a …

What does the following sentence mean?
“Sorry, I've talked you cold and dead.”

In the next bit should it be “He” rather than “She”?
“No, thanks. I want to swim.” She took off his shirt and made a …

Change the following:
”What if so?”

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

{Escape} Chapters 1 and 2

natuaV,

What a refreshing, breathtaking and enjoyable read! I came to Escape expecting something good and enjoyable and discovered a true gem that has honestly allowed me to escape the day and just relax. Escape is a read that I would love to have on my Kindle while I lay on a beach in the shade of an umbrella, or even better, on a boat drifting on the crest of the sea. Your dialogue is wonderfully done, relaxed and highly enjoyable, and I find myself wishing I had more time to continue reading today. It is now on my watchlist and I'll be returning tomorrow to read further and comment more. I have a feeling I'll be reading all you have posted in short order :). Not many books on Autho intrigue me like yours has, and that's saying something.

6 stars gladly given as well!

Have a wonderful, relaxing day!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

P.s. Thank you so much for reading part of and commenting on Eden Legacy! Could I ask a favor? All of my books are selling on Amazon.com, and three of them including Eden Legacy are actually in free giveaway right now. Would you be able to leave a review and star rating on Amazon for Eden Legacy? It would help with sales and mean the world to me! Have an amazing day! I'll post the link to Eden Legacy on Amazon, below, and will return to Escape tomorrow to read and comment more!

http://www.amazon.com/Eden-Legacy-ebook/dp/B009H8WZR2/ref=sr_1_2_title_1_kin?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1361461510&sr=1-2&keywords=scott+toney

Escape. Chapters 1 to 5.

Lovely, poetic writing keeps you reading these two short stories from the word go. I could see no error or anything to comment on from a literary point of view. I did hesitate with my reading between chapters 2 and 3. As I started reading chapter 3 I was confused (bear in mind I'm easily confused). I actually wondered if I was reading a different story, then as it became clear I was still reading about Victor I did wonder if the meeting with Victoria in the preceding chapter was just a dream. Although it becomes more obvious as you read on, I was left with the feeling that the transition between ch. 2 and 3 is not quite as smooth as it could be. Only a personal opinion from a total amateur so please feel free to disregard.
Other than this I found the two stories totally engaging, written with eloquence and I will return to read more when downloaded. High stars for now and onto my watchlist. Janet

Janet/Helen
The Stranger In My Life

Your writing has a great flow to it. It's easy to read and follow. I read chapter one and it was a great start to what seems to be an interesting story. They are all right, you have a poetic style to your writing which is just refreshing to me. I liked it. High Stars. I'd love a return read when you can find the time. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.

-Lyn

There are two stories here and I am commenting for the first story now.

It is really a beautiful and romantic story, just as the title says, it makes a reader escape from the itsy-bitsy daily life, while reading about the grand escape of the main characters.

I love the description of the scenery, yacht and some of the characters - especially Mustapha, for some reason.

I was a little confused in the chapter 1 about the yacht. I thought he was going to work hard or get lucky and buy his first yacht, and I was looking forward for that story to come, then the next moment, he was losing one. I thought maybe this was a metaphor but I couldn't get it anyhow. A little explanation would help?

'Hieroglyphs to a baboon' - great phrase.

The other suggestion is really minor but on the chapter 3 when Victor is fighting (the para starting 'He had no wish to'), I felt the style here was a bit too elegant. Perhaps here, the style could be more like a sports broadcast?

Really enjoyed the escape. Thank you.

R

Wow, your first chapter was awesome! Your writing is so full of passion. I love your mc. And of course, with that ending, who could resist turning the page to see if love at first site isn't the woman crossing the water! 6 stars and on my WL. I have to come back this evening and read more!!!

Sincerely
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Wow, your first chapter was awesome! Your writing is so full of passion. I love your mc. And of course, with that ending, who could resist turning the page to see if love at first site isn't the woman crossing the water! 6 stars and on my WL. I have to come back this evening and read more!!!

Sincerely
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Very well written, poetry to the ears. I hope to return and read some more soon. High stars I would welcome a return read. if you can spare the time.

Wishing you the very best ,

The Raven

Author of The Buena Fortuna

Chapter four.
No suprise, the flavor of poetry continues to weave its way through the narrative, and beautifully so. One might wonder if poetic narrative might slow things down, but on the contrary, it draws you into the scene in a magical way.
In this chapter, poor Victor wakes with a headache, but still, happy to be alive. Even happier to see that Victoria is close by.
My favorite lines:
"Trying to make the sea deeper?"
"Failures always have such dreams."
"We all induldge in illusions from time to time..."
A sudden fit of pity stabbed his heart.
He was a torn-off leaf himself, blown with the wind, having an intricate past and a vague future.
"So, what are we drinking to - the happy ending to the unbegun voyage?"

Such lovely imagery here!
I want more!!!
~Joe: Isles End

These stories are really beautiful! I love your descriptions and your way of giving life to the wind and the sky. Your poetic nature is evident in every line. I really liked the emotion and the realistic portrayal of your character. A lot of people can relate to coming to the end of one part of life and beginning again.

I did find a little confusion when he is hit in the head and wakes on the beach. It was unclear who had hit him. I thought at first that it was his bartender friend.

Other than a few typos, I could see nothing else wrong. I thoroughly enjoyed your book and I am glad that someone else out there believes in shorter works of fiction. I wish you the very best and hope to see more from your pen. :)

Escape has a timeless quality, quite rare in the age of 99p e-books name-dropping iPods into crass tales, so it will probably not date as others would. This is good business sense, but 'good business sense' is delightfully far from what this escapism is all about. This is a deeply dreamy and quixotic book, indulging in the freedom to follow the whims and the waves of love and the sea and the sky and of the wide blue yonder... and all that sort of thing.

This reminds me of The Outermost House by Henry Beston, or Harpoon at a Venture by Gavin Maxwell, which is intended as a compliment, although I realise that such instrospective male narratives in the poet-adventurer mould are perhaps unfashionable at the moment. Your writing style is so cheerfully and confidently romantic that I wouldn't really want to over-edit it, for fear of losing something of its free spirit. Some might call it overwritten. I do not. It is also mercifully free of glaring typos etc., although I dare say there are some to be found in the detail.

I'm glad you drew my attention to this. I did notice it a long time ago, when I think it had something about taking off in 'an old lifeboat', in the pitch. That was a romantic notion to me, or a 'good hook', as they say (on here at least). It caught my eye. At the time, my clifftop neighbour was rescuing an old Danish trawler to live in. Then it sank. Overnight. She had to sell it at a loss. Etc. Such is fate on the sea of life and old boats... I'd be tempted to chop up some of your paragraphs into shorter pieces, cut out some extraneous detail (but not much) and then tinker with the pitch, title and cover, which I think are under-selling this. The title and cover are fine for now, on here, but not if published; too generic. At first this seems to be one of those very personal 'one-off adventure' or 'moving abroad' books, which often read like a souped-up gap year diary if done by amateurs. Yours touches on more universal human-interest themes than that. Not very helpful, this crit; but there you are...

Hi

What an evocative book you have? I have only read the first chapter but you have some great descriptive/ poetic phrases ' the melancholy breath of summer's passing' and 'after cheerful spring showers, grey autumn rains came and long winters left their silver threads in his hair.'

I did want you to name the 'he' though. I appreciate it makes him more mysterious but I wanted to be able to place/see him in my mind.

I also was mystified as to where the story was going. I realise it is about his self discovery/fulfilling his dream but it was a bit confusing. He wanted to fulfil his dream but now realised he couldn't because it didn't mean the same and I can't place the young woman from his dreams in the story. Perhaps as I read on it will become clearer. I'm confused by this chapter, which is sometimes what you want but not too much.

Loved the pitch.

I will be back to read more.

Teresa
Love. Suzi x

Hi Valentine,

I hope the following is useful/helpful. Please ignore anything at will; I'm only a learner!

I read the first 3 chapters. The first chapter opens in a poetic rolling style, much like the sea you describe.
I enjoyed reading and the words carried me along easily as though I were lying in a small boat, daydreaming at the sky. One or two areas in your first chapter threw me a little though: in the second paragraph, you mention the millions of stars but then go on to say they were numberless? I also find myself more and more curious as to what 'he' looks like and who 'he' is which you don't begin to discover until chapter 2 and 3. This is not necessarily a criticism though as an air of mystery is often a good thing in the right context. I'm also unsure of the swallows as 'folks', it's not clear to me whether this is referring to the birds or his countrymen? These small quibbles aside, chapter 1 works well for me, and I love the start 'Summer was coming to an end'.

Chapter 2 and the style changes quite a bit. Much more conversational. The interaction between Victoria and Victor builds nicely and you can sense the attraction between them. My only couple of points are: perhaps the narrative would benefit from additional thoughts/observations/sensations from his past? interspersed with their conversation to break up the he talks/she talks nature of the thread. Would he say 'affirmative?' ... and would he ask her for coffee on a boat? Perhaps, but why not invite her to see more closely the human curves of the rigging and other nautical things she is so obviously interested in?

Chapter 3: love the fight sequence. The fact that you can switch from such a lyrical poetic style in chapter 1, to a more immediate and punchy style to describe the fight is testament to your acute sensibilities and your ability to interpret this into words.

A very well written piece of poetically inclined prose in my opinion.
High stars from me

Goliath Stokes
The Thrill of Losing

Hello, Valentin
You writing has a lovely lyrical quality to it.
I was drawn to it because I love the sea and have always yearned to spend time on a yacht.
You have a natural, flowing style which wafts the reader along and we really have a sense of being there with you which is a great achievement for a new writer.
Not sure what ‘wild winds of hyperinflation’ means but overall I did not notice any grammar issues, etc.
The inner self-talk of the MC seems very real to me, very believable.
I think this work will appeal to a wide cross-section of readers.
Best wishes.
Jane Mauret
I CAN LAUGH – NOW!