"Honey, I'm just off to the shop to get a couple of things!"
"Okay dear, remember to visit the Volcano and top up the Lava Lamp."
"Also, remember that we now buy Pedigree Karibou for the pet pterodactyl. None of that low brow reptile stuff."
"Yes, okay, I'll pick up a couple of them."
"Have you got your cheque slate? Or will you pay using granite?"
"Going to use this new Visa Elecstone slab I picked up the other day."
"Okay. Be quick. Try and be back before the full moon next month."
"Yup, righto. Laters."
*epic journey across swamp, rivers, earthquake scarred land*
"Man, I should have taken the number 14 Bronto that goes from the end of our continent every 2 weeks."
*walks up to the Shopping Sherpa standing outside the store*
"Hello there! Welcome to Tesco Extra Europe South. I will be your guide for the duration of your shopping trip."
"If you would please follow me into the store, be careful as you negotiate the revolving boulders. They have a habit of rendering clumsy people two dimensional."
*enters the store*
"Where would you like to begin your shop?"
"Well, I've only come for the basics. You know, food for the pet, groceries, necessities, things like that. Enough for a month, maybe. Let's begin with the groceries."
"Okay sir, right this way! Please excuse the magma on the floor, there was a lively eruption this morning."
"What would you like first?"
"Hmm, I think I'll have a few kgs of apples, if that's alright?"
"Sure it is, right through here."
"Yup. Use these footholds and ascend to wherever you want to get your apples from. Watch out for the pythons, you've got thick arms and they may mistake them for a tree branch."
*ascends into tree and dislodges apples, and then descends*
"Oh wow, what happened here?"
"Oh don't worry, one of your apples landed on an employees head and rendered him unconcious. No worries though, we've called for a First Aider and they'll be along in an hour or seven."
"Okay. I need food now, you have any Pedigree Karibou?"
"Erm, maybe, let's go check the stock shall we? Right over here."
"I don't see any Karibou. You've got some good moose though."
"Yes, it appears the Karibou is a popular line, sorry."
"No worries, our 'Dactyl will eat pretty much anything. How do I acquire it?"
"Here's a spear."
*very brief and rather messy confrontation with moose*
"Wow, I've never seen a moose put up that much of a resistance before. Are you alright sir?"
"Yeh, I had a lot of practice on the way here."
"Okay, let me just sort this moose out for you. Will you be keeping the horns?"
"Nah, we got loads at home."
"Fair enough. Where do you want to go now?"
"Would be nice to get some fresh meat."
"Are you sure you're ready for this?"
"Yeh, guess so."
"Right this way."
"Okay, what meat were you after?"
"I'm not fussed at all, actually. Me and the missus will eat anything that wanders into our territory. We like a bit of walrus though."
"I don't think we have walrus, they're not popular this time of year. What we do have though, is plenty of yak, sheep and cow."
"Ah hell, that'll do. I'll take one of each."
"Okay. Do you want them sliced?"
"This way then."
*enters a door marked: "WARNING - T-REX ENCLOSURE, DEATH IMMINENT" *
"Right, place your chosen products on this big platform."
"Yep. This is a trebuchet. It's the latest in livestock-hurling technology. It can propel your average bovine half a kilometre in less than 5 seconds should you want it to!"
"This one is downtuned a bit. See that big pit over there? Well, just watch."
*lever is pulled abrubtly*
"That yak is making a strange noise."
"Yes it is sir, I apologise. I will ensure it gets reduced in price for you!"
*roars, snarls and ripping is heard from the pit*
"OKAY! Get the T-Rex out of the pit!"
*sounds of cooing and "heeeere boy! heeeere boy!" come from pit*
"Sounds like everything's done. Let's go have a look!"
"Wow, these are cut very well. I will use this service more often. Whenever I try to do it, I end up with door wedges."
"Yes, this is a very reliable way of doing it. We just have to ensure T-Rex is well fed, or your products may have never been seen again."
*another Sherpa runs up to them*
"Hi, I am here to replace you. It's time for your break! You know the rules, for ever 3 weeks you work, you have to take 2 days break!"
"Yeh yeh I know, okay, I'll see you in a few days, I gotta go catch some lunch anyway. Laters!"
"Actually, I'm pretty much done here. Can we go and pay for these items?"
"Of course, follow me sir, we will be using our latest technology checkouts today!"
"Okay, let's weigh your meat first."
"I have one of each, sliced."
"Right, that's okay then, that's 400kg in total then, for the sheep, yak and cow."
"Apples, well let's count them. One, two, three, four, five. 5kg each, so the total is now 425kg."
"Yup. And I have this moose."
"Oh yes, for the pet?"
"Yeh, you know how it is with pterodactyls. One minute they're picking off airborn insects, and then suddenly they're bringing home their first land mammals!"
"Indeed, sir. Moose is a further 250kg. Total is 675kg! How will you be paying today, sir?"
"I've got this Visa slab."
"Very good, sir, if you'll just hand it to me, so I can take down the details."
*places card in big stone compressor where it is squeezed between two rocks*
"This has just imprinted your card details into this layer of sedimentary rock here. Okay, it all looks genuine, here's a layer for me, and here's a layer for you."
"Could you please engrave your signature along the ridged line?"
"There you go!"
"Thank you sir! Your receipt should be with you in 3 to 4 lunar months."
"Do you need help bagging?"
"Oh no, I'll carry them on my back, no problem."
"Okay sir. Thank you for shopping with Tesco!"
"Thanks for the help, I'll be back when the big shop rolls around!"
*epic journey across swamp, rivers, earthquake scarred land, punctuated by minor meteor impacts*
*four weeks later*
"Honey, I'm home!"
"Pull the rock closed behind you!"
"Yeh. The glacier was really busy for some reason, I think they closed a lane off because of some accident between a couple of triceratops. You know how blind they are."
"Ah well, you got everything by the looks of it."
"Yes, I did."
"Actually, you didn't, I can't see any milk. I really need it too! Sorry dear!
*epic journey across swamp, rivers, etc etc*