The Unscarification

Good, honest, down to earth first person narrative. It's not Beatrix Potter, that much I can tell you.

Having grown up (as a young family man) in and around the Red Light District of Amsterdam, nothing shocks me. This is quite simply a good read. Not to everyone's taste, maybe, but it is well written and flows beautifully. Once the premise of the book is accepted, I'm sure that any reader would enjoy the telling of the tale.

I read yesterday that sex is not an original sin. It is neither original or a sin. Who said that? Ghandi I think... So, from that point of view, this is probably a very brave Irish based book. I don't know my religious dividing lines, but this has to be a bold write.

I found myself easily following the piece, the diary entries or whatever they are. It is indeed a well written piece, far from pornography (and there is much of that here on site) and close to a literary fix.

I'm not here to comment on spelling or punctuation, just how the book appeals to me as a reader.

I enjoyed what I read, but I was not entirely engaged. A dip in book at present. I felt that the pitch offered more than the opening section delivered. I would have liked a bit more conflict from paragraph one. The sex was not enough to keep me coming back.

So, good stuff, but the opening needs more oomph to set the scene and pace for me.

From the synopsis I was sure I was going to enjoy this book and for a good while in the first chapter I did. However, I think you really need to take a good look at the structure as in its current state it's a bit all over the place.

The writing is excellent, the main character intriguing with obvious good and bad points and self-awareness but the way the ancillary characters and plot are handled make this a bit of a mess.

The chapters, and the constituent parts are simply too long. Nothing a few page breaks wouldn't fix, in theory.

The part in italics at the beginning is possibly more true than you realise. It's warning the reader that the pages to come are all over the place. You need to decide if this is a journal, with events in chronological order, a memoir or a novel and stick to that structure. You're constantly hopping about from one time to the next and one story to the next, dropping hints about one woman, telling a story about another all the while zapping back and forth to the original woman. It's confusing as not only is it often difficult to tell which woman is which in a particular paragraph but the story loses all focus by hopping around so much.

I'll just point out a few typos for good measure but my main point is that there is a fascinating story here, a great writing style but it badly needs a serious edit.

Typos and other minor remarks:
roll - role
its - it's
'Lac' - no idea?
Leafy Suburbs - shouldn't have capital letters and is an awful cliché
sports casual - immediately reminded me of Alan Partridge and shattered illusions of the main character!
There are a lot of large gaps (tabs) between sentences
Then there are few areas where there are no spaces at all after full stops. Authonomy may have bajaxed the formatting
[a] sort of working class
gail - gale
camomile and chamomile are both used in the text
fight - fought (can't remember exactly where but the tense changes mid-sentence at one point)
cubical - cubicle
earthquake (one word)

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

Greetings!

I've read through a rather large part of the first chapter. I had trouble getting into this, but possibly because I'm a female rather than a male. (And while I'm very straight, I'm a one-guy type of girl, so I don't have any sort of experience to let me connect with this sort of situation.)

That said, it was an interesting enough read. One thing that I did notice, which threw me off and made this more tiring of a read than it should be, is the length of the paragraphs. I know that others have mentioned this before, but there were several instances where I had to go back and read again because the paragraphs are so long it is very easy to miss which line i was on and so forth.

That said, I like the general honest feel of the piece, even if I don't necessarily agree on your views on women.

~RJ

I'll try again after Authonomy discarded my comment! This is not the type of story I usually choose to read, but it held my attention. I agree with others that the paragraphs and chapters are too long. There are some grammatical errors (or typos) that distracted me a little, and I agree that some dialog would add a welcome third dimension. But the writing is skilled and honest. It breaks boundaries and challenges convention. The MC is not anyone I would ever be likely to meet, let alone like anyone I know, but I felt I knew him and I could relate to his emotions. That surprised me. The writing transported me into a foreign world and let me experience an extraordinarily different lifestyle. I found myself asking 'is this a true life account?' If so, it's brave. If not, it's more than credible. It's real, and that speaks volumes about the author's skill.
I think it needs some heavy revision, as reading such lengthy passages is tiring, but it has enormous potential.
Congratulations.
RaineyC
The Pencil Case

Not my usual genre, but I keep my word. I read into chapter two, chapters are huge. You do have quite a bit of talent. Your writing style is very professional and flows well. You established your main character well. The way you write about interpersonal relationships is insightful. I'm not sure how much of this is actual fiction maybe a combination of experience and fiction. I hope that young man finds his way and escapes his inner turmoil. I'm giving your book lots of stars and reaffirming that you do have much talent. Crayton

Hi Joseph,

I've read through half of the first chapter (sorry it's just very long!) and I have one mistake to point out... When you're talking about the 2000 euros a year on shoes, it should read "a year on footwear" not "a year a footwear".

Also I think some of the paragraphs are quite big, maybe cut them down a little?

Other than that, this is not my usual thing but like others have stated, you have a way with words that draws the reader in. I see this is fiction but I wonder how much of it actually is? It sounds as though you know what you are talking about here. This is different to anything I've read before and I will read the rest of what you have up here.

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

So glad I read this...you are such a compelling writer...so honest...its like a breath of fresh air. This life you are writing about is fascinating...its alien to me, something from a far off dream. Its insightful and I want to read more about how you regard women and their needs...
Awesome job with this...you have an amazing talent!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings

This is an intelligent, articulate - and wise - piece of work.

Wise, in the sense of insightful and shrewd about life and relationships, and about human need, motivation and frailty. In terms of the structure, I feel that the journal style is both its strength and weakness.

Strength in that it gives the narrator a chance to record and explore the actions and his past, present and responses to these. But weakness in that the absence of any significant and extended sections of dialogue can make it appear a two, instead of a three dimensional work.
I feel that the inclusion of more remembered dialogue, particularly in the early sections of the book, would add that extra emotional dimension to it.

There has been some research done recently too, on online reading attention span, with an average found of around 30 - 40 minutes, given an interesting piece of work, before attention drift is an issue. Shorter reading sections are more important online than in print for that reason, and I would suggest that you make the first chapter shorter by dividing in two.

I love what I have read so far...but it makes me want to meet you! Haha. All you would need for many American women is the Irish accent. We love that stuff. :-) Anyway, I would critique some run-ons, fragments, etc. BUT if you are labeling it as a diary then really you can write in a free association, "train of thought" style and get away with it. However, it you want to make it flow better you could edit some of that stuff. I'll be back to read more when I have the chance.

I read all that was posted of this over the past two nights. I'm pretty exhausted - the action never seems to stop, and I'd guess from the word count that what you have posted is well less than half of the total. If I believe your pitch, all I've really seen is the setup for the real story, his journey across America. Maybe I'm all wet.

Pretty raw and gritty, this one. But obviously I found it quite interesting! I have some typo and usage notes for you; let me know if you'd like to have them in a message.

Joseph, Of course, I had to take a look at your material after I got your note about being "here for the work and not for the network." It just took a whie to get the free time. I also notice you are getting rather a lot of constructive suggestions, which I think means people are really engaged by your writing. I'll add my thoughts, for what it's worth.
I would never have picked up the story based on the pitch. It just didn't sound like my kind of story... but once I started, I found it strangley compelling. I think that's because your pitch is description of the events, but your story is not really about the events, it's about the experience of your narrator. Hmmm... that's not really clear, let me try again: An Elmore Leonard story is about the EVENTS, and how they all fall into place to create the story. The characters make it more entertaining, but he thrust is how the events fit together. Your piece here is about the character, and the events are simply how that character is revealed. Maybe you can find a way to show that in the pitch?
The contrast between the character's condition in Dublin and what he deals with in New York could be made more stark if you gave us a bit more of the glam of his life in Dublin. That may not be necessary or useful for the story you are telling, but it would certainly lend to sympathy for the character.
I could have used a better idea of the time frame for different scenes, up until we get to New York. After that, the story seems to progress more naturally.
I would REALLY like to have more of an image of the Assistent. She reads like an object in the narrative, a prop. If our narrator falls for her, I want to know what about her is worth falling for. It may be that there is nothing about HER that is worth falling for, but simply that our narrator is grasping for something normal, and he falls for her because she (he thinks) is more normal, more "real life" than his surreal experience of life is... and in that case, I would like to know that she is ordinary, and that it's our narrator's need for normal that draws him to this woman who, it turns out, is more mercenary than even a prostitute. I feel there's a real opportunity for drawing the reader into some internal conflict there, one way or another.
Best things: Reading this, one gets the sense that there will be some gems of insight from time to time... and occasionally, you deliver them. For example, when you describe leaving women clients with the impression that they have to hope for the narrator's time, but then when they actually get with him, he chases them with abandon, like he can't resist, THAT left me mentally nodding my head with the narrator, saying, "yeah, I can see how that works..." That's great stuff, draws us in with some sense of the narrator's insights of experience.
The narrator is suprisingly more charasmatic than events by themselves would make me expect. I don't really understand how you did this, unless it's the understated confidence of the narrator's character.
Best of all, since we like this character, we forgive him his failures readily, and you have built in a lot of room for him to grow. I THINK that's what made me read on, after the first little bit; If so, then the book will build nicely from this point on, as the narrator's character grows through the story.
Hope you find something useful in those thoughts.
Mike Lee

Joseph,
You start with narrative, introspective, getting the reader into Joseph's head, then bang, comes dialogue, erupting, violent scenes roiling in like seawater at high tide. Then we go into subdued narrative again, the lights low, the sexuality pervasive. You've got the cadence built in nicely, making "The Unscarification" a compellling read. Your protagonist is strangely sympathetic and I couldn't help but cheer him on out of tight situations. Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is not just words from a journal but honest and raw recollection of a man's experience working as a escort. I've not read this kind of narrative from a man's perspective before. In fact, men usually kept quiet on the subject. I admire you for breaking boundary.
The story is vivid, raw and to the point.

Highly starred

You brought this from the heart Joseph. This is gritty and street wise yet it brings depth and compassion. I will read on and provide further review.-JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hi Joseph,
I just dropped in for our read swap.
This is a very powerful piece that you've written. Nice and saucy too without being overly crude!
My only nit-pick with it is the opening paragraph where in you use the word journal a number of times.
Other than that, as someone who grew up a mere 15 minutes from Manhattan and spent probably too much time there, I did not get a real feel for the city. You briefly mention the red-light district, but standing on the window ledge you don't describe any of the sights from what is clearly an uptown hotel. I think as you flesh your story out you could offer up more detail about the cities to really bring the reader from your high-dollar lifestyle to the depths of desperation. Their is a vast Italian population up there as well as minorities and you really don't give a whole lot of detail about the people you've cast your lot with.
Anyway, it is well written and engaging. So much so that I felt for him when the player got played.

I hope you will take a look at mine if you have a chance (though it is about as opposite from this as is possible!)
Mindy
The Wishing Place

This so different to the stuff I normally read. It was rough and roughed (not the writing, I found that quite polished) I mean the prose. I like the, don’t –pull-any-punches, approach. You tell it as it is.
I must admit it was a real eye opener for me. We’re the same age and from the same city, yet reading this took me on a journey to a side of life in Dublin that I never really thought much about before.
‘I’m paid to make them feel like women’. I thought this sentence was very powerful. You set the tone for the whole piece in a few simple words and for me it was a powerful hook.

As I read on you really have me both slightly uncomfortable ( a little shocked at the reality of it all) and totally fascinated about how it all began and why women need to use a ‘service’ like yours.

I personally didn’t have a problem with the large volume of text. I found it easy to read and I raced through it. But I can understand how it might work better broken into smaller more easily digestible chapters. It gives the reader a chance to catch their breath and with subject matter like that some time to gather your thoughts can be a positive.

I’m backing this because I think it’s a powerful and raw story and I would really like to see it do well.

Best of luck,

Janny

Joseph, have finally started to read, and am so far loving your direct no-holds-barred style - arrogance and all. High stars and will be back for more soon.
David

Oooooh. I think visceral is a good way to describe this. Yes, visceral.

Its unsettling. I'm enjoying it, but the writing puts me slightly on edge, which I think is a good thing. It gives it an intense immediacy.

Agree with some of your other comments, its quite dense on the page, and there is so much in the writing that breaking it up a little more would make it easier on the eye. Even just shortening the chapters to make it a little more user friendly when reading it on the computer screen.

High stars, will keep watching.

How's the form Joseph. Glad i found this-via Chris Carr's shelf. Scanning the comments this is dividing people into the 'loved it' or 'left cold' groups. I'm more in the former as the subject matter is fascinating and the psychological depth of the narrative satisfies my interest. The writing is tight and contained, no high-faluting, which is just as the MC should sound.
What I'd change-maybe the intial meeting with the dowdy topped woman, the MC's eye, her body language, the MC's opening line etc could be emphasised more as you want to see 'how' he does it as well as the 'why'. The animal, hormonal meeting of it all. There is a lot of untapped taut mileage in that initial encounter which is hurried through.
Otherwise one of the better 'viseral' reads on this site and worthy of praise.
High stars and on WL.
Good Luck!
John
Dropping Babies.

Hi Joseph - I read your three chapters and hope these comments are useful:
Your long pitch doesn't have the gritty realism of the book - it's dreamy and remote, and it jars when you talk in the first person, but only for one sentence.
Your narrator is a truly interesting man, but I sense this story is still unformed; it reads more like notes on a future novel. Paragraphing would help it, but you also need to shape it more - or go for the William Burroughs- style surrealism, where we are left only with jagged impressions. The visceral, exhaustingly physical nature of his life you describe well, but as a reader, I could not connect with him - felt I did not really know him or what he wanted. In spite of its fragmented style, there is great atmosphere here, but it needs to serve a really hot story, and I could not find one in these chapters.

I'm half-way through chapter 2. To be frank, it's taking time to get through each chapter, because I'm cringing the whole time. This ability to engender such strong emotion is a testament to raw talent and a strong "story". Your description of the "morning after" is skillfully visceral, and very, very painful. There are a few typos, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want you to change them. It adds to a journalistic effect. Very good. Six stars, and I'll try to find some shelf space.

I enjoyed this - I don't read alot of this style atm, but I grew up reading Bukowski and Dostoyevsky & it has slight echoes of both, which is about as big a compliment as there gets. It's certainly no Billy Piper male equivalent. Actually I kept picturing Johnny Depp and a modern day Libertine telling me to read on despite me 'not going to like him' (quote from Libertine not this).

One small thing, and no doubt you already considered it - maybe start the chapter with "Let's get something straight... ...I'm paid to make women feel like women." It's the best line. It's got a real wallop to it. I think the "Why am I writing this?" should come straight after the wallop bec obv you loop back to it at the end (might work, might not - just a suggestion), but other than that I heavily recommend this.

Good luck, mate!

I love the journal-like style of this. The subject area is fascinating – male prostitution is something I know next to nothing about – and it really drew me into the writing. I think you strike the right balance with the main character. A heartbreaking, often deceitful, male escort could be easily disliked, but you give him a human quality and it would be difficult not to empathise with the genuine loss and regret he is experiencing. I loved the line about returning the money she had dropped when he arranged to see her again – very cleverly done.

I’d love to be able to give you some suggestions, maybe even correct a typo, but I wouldn’t change a word. I liked the Bret Easton Ellis quotes, too, by the way. I thought they worked very well with the main character’s self-description.

Six stars and backed. I really did enjoy the first chapter and I think you’re going to do very well with your writing. It was a pleasure to read this.

Marc

Hey Joseph,
I've just gotten into the Unsacrification. This book is fucked up, in the best possible way. I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing psychiatry right now, so I'm really appreciating your unflinching insight and analysis, or because its just interesting to read about an employment so uncommon, but I'm really, really into it. I'm definitely happy to keep reading and offer comments, for now, here are a few thoughts on chapter 1:
I think my favorite thing about the chapter is the brutal honesty. Its probably the most compelling aspect; how raw it is.
- I would shy away from using so many ellipses. You employ them twice in the third paragraph, and more throughout the chapter. Sometimes you can use hyphens or commas instead, and they shorten what feels like an unnecessarily elongated pause. I realize that because this is "diary-form" writing, you have a bit more play, stylistically, but I think a bit of polish in this area would be good!
- I think your third paragraph is a bit long. You could probably break it at "how did I get started?" - long paragraphs can feel overwhelming, and can discourage a reader. The same goes for the second paragraph of "appearances."- you could probably break it twice: at "when I arrange a date" and at "on the morning of I eat..."
- to be honest, this book gets hard to read at times. It took me a few tries to get to the end of chapter 1, but not because of poor writing. It's fucking miserable and you don't necessarily like the "characters." Don't change that. it's what makes it so compelling and different.
- there's a few typos. I have a ton in mine, so no worries. Might be worth going over, though.
Let me know if those comments were Ok, and I'll offer some more for chapter 2!
E
Hope those help!

Wow... I read this all in one sitting. I'm supposed to be reading someone else's work or writing my own work, but instead I just spent a couple of hours reading your work. :) Wish there was more to read even though that just means I'd neglect doing something else I should be doing. I'm sure you're aware there are many typos/misspellings, etc. but your story is compelling. Once you perfect this, it should definitely be published.

Madison

Love the sexual details! Happy to place your work on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

I really like this. Read about half of whats posted and instantly got into the Hubert Selby/Scott Heim/American Gigolo feel of it. I looked at some other comments and it seems you've already acted on the suggestions made.
The only citicisms i have are the phrase 'we measure our value by the value of those who value us'. I know what you're saying, and it's almost a great line, but somehow just doesn't quite work for me. Also, the American Psycho quotes are mis-judged i think.
Other than that, it's quality stuff which i'll read more of and will back at some point.
High stars for now.

Hey Joseph,
It's taken me a while but on your request I'm here to swap a read.
I don't really know where to start, I didn't know what to expect when I started reading and I didn't intend to read as much as I did. Your writing is just so absorbing. It's impossible to stop.
Joseph has such a clear outlook on life, so intelligent yet so...I'm not quite sure how to say it...tragic? You have me awe struck. To me the read was beautiful at times and then plain dirty. But like leedromey beneath me said, the story is just plain fascinating. I'm sorry this is quite a vague comment but you have me speechless.
I see no issues in this being published some day.
Amazing work.
Karlee - Chained

Hey

Really liked the sentence about how her demons clouded her own understanding, but they were not there for the narrator, who could see clearly. He has just been talking frankly about his own preconceptions and experiences and ofknowing ourselves and each other. It is so open, heartfelt yet rational at the same time. I agree that we never truly know another person fully - you either have your own past/opinions colouring your perception, and you have to filter out the truth. Is what you see what they want you to see, or the real person, there is alot to get past to get close to knowing completely,(i don't think people ever can completely. Anyway, a few grammatical errors (like mine,lol), but otherwise totally fascinating. I like it , will shelve it shortly, on wl and rated 6 stars.
All the best ,lee

Dear Joseph

I started reading "The Unscarification" without much idea what I was getting into, but I was immediately taken with the strong voice of your MC. There is no doubt that he knows what he is talking about, and doesn't mind sharing. His is a candid, interesting voice, so that I found myself reading far more than I would have, if, say, I had passed this on a bookshelf.

The plot is cleverly set up, with backstory on a "need to know" basis. That helps us to get into the story quickly and keeps the story moving.

There are a few things I might suggest, to make this easier on the eye. These are only my thoughts and of course, you may ignore them! Please, sir, can we have a few more paragraphs? I felt you really could break up the MS a bit, and also take your chance to trim out some of Jo's more introspective musings. These are interesting, but perhaps not as interesting to us, as they are to your MC. Clearer presentation will reveal where you can trim for smoothness, typo's, full stops without loss of meaning. This will also help to speed up the narrative, which would be rewarding.

You are a good writer: straightforward, honest and engaging. I wish you well.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

I have to say, I have never been a fan of books that have a ton of sexual details in them. I don't know, I suppose I just channel my inner ten year old and find myself cringing all over the place. That being said, I can't recall ever having read a memoir, so I don't know how much help or insight this review will give you, but I shall try!

I think your pitch is great. Even people who wouldn't normally be interested in memoirs would probably give this one a try based on your pitch alone. I know I did.

One important thing I noticed was I didn't skim or skip any portions of this. This is not always the case when I do reviews, so it's a good thing for you. The narrarators voice is a weird yet awesome blend of sophistication and crudeness. It's slightly tortured and almost empty, and overall amazing.

I'm pretty sure the main problem for the main character is losing the girl he loved; you got that part aross well. I liked the lengthy descriptions he gave when telling the audience about his trade and the wealthy women he services. We never hear many stories about male prostitutes, and yours is a fresh new angle.

There were times when the MC's voice turned me off- sometimes the cockiness was too in-your-face, though I realize he has a pretty good reason to think the world of himself.

"Fall" was my favorite portion. You set it up to flawlessly transition into the second chapter. I loved the descriptions of the club on New Year's.

The one thing that I can say as a critque is that there is hardly any dialogue (though I'm sure that's the norm with memoirs) and has such large paragraphs. Maybe breaking some up into smaller paragraphs would work, but it's still perfectly fine the way it is.

I hope I was able to help you at least a little bit with this lame critique! I'll back it for you, and I wish you all the best with this.

Melissa

Hi Joseph,
Do not worry< I read your profile before reading this.lol
It's a great piece óf work! The content is classy and knowledgable but mostly the style of writing is amazing, easy and humor filled!
Ofcourse I will rate u and yes I will read more and yes will put you on my shelve when I can.
Good luck!
Josphine

I'm the type that will pass by a story that I should read, because I have to return a review, and put it aside momentarily for a book that has caught my attention. I saw your post on the forum and clicked on your profile, scrolled down and found the concept of your book interesting. I know nothing about male escorts, which is probably why I clicked to read your book, because that's what books are for, to give you an insight into something you have never experienced or will ever experience. And, in my case I will never see this side of life unless I read about it.

I'm tired as I've been working too much and exercising too much today, so my attention span (which can be notorious at best) would only allow me to read to the end of Elevator, Love Letter. Stopping here is not a reflection of my lack of interest, just being tired. However, saying this, if your story hadn't been interesting I wouldn't have read this far. And it was interesting. I reckon you're right about your what woman want in this situation, women being very different from men. They want a concept, an illusion, which I believe is basically what you've said. Not saying that they don't need the physical release, but I'll stop there and not go into depth, because as I said I'm tired and I don't want to waffle.

So, you've got your story across to me at this point, the loss of the girl you loved, the way in which you fell into this trade and what a woman desires in relation to procuring a male escort's services.

In relation to the structure of your piece of work, to make it easier for the authonomite to read, you should probably break the chapters up, making them smaller. This makes things easier for the reader as computers can be hard to read off and it just gives a clean break and a period for the eye to rest before starting on the next section of story.

Typos that I noticed were in Elevator, Love Letter. In the second paragraph there are a couple words joined together and a missing fullstop, with a large space between the next sentence.

Those notes about the structure and typos are minor things. What counts is the story and you made me interested enough to read it and to read a good chunk in one sitting. In relation to Transgressive Fiction and Womans Fiction I can't really give you any pointers 'there as I haven't read either. I find Woman's Fiction too sappy and laborious to read, though I'd love to read Fight Club and wouldn't mind looking at American Psycho. I don't think those two genres are combinable in relation to your work, but it doesn't mean that women wouldn't want to read your work. Obviously, I wanted to read it, and I'm sure other women would be interested too.

Anyway, I'll stop here. Best wishes, Marita.

Hi, I apologize for this being late, but technically it’s still in the “ish” of night for me.
I haven’t read a lot of memoirs, so keep that in mind as I comment.
Also, I say “character” when referring to the POV, but don’t take offense.

Overall:

I really do like this. It’s one of the best written memoirs that I’ve read here. It strikes the right balance between introspection and story. The voice is strong, compelling and makes it stick in one’s mind.
Highly starred and backed.



The Pitch:
I think it’s okay. I don’t really like all the questions, but I wouldn’t say it’s bad.

Chapter One:

Joseph Berice’s Precious Little Life:
I think this is a good start. It sets the tone of the story well.
“I’m 29”. Write out numbers. It helps them blend in with the text. (Except for dates, decades, and the likes).
I love these lines: “If you’ve been to a fancy city centre bar you’ve probably seen me working.”

I’ve noticed you do this “…” quite a lot throughout the chapters and I think it’s okay once and a while, it can create a nice effect, but if you use it too often it weakens the effect and comes off as a bit amateurish.

The paragraph’s need to be reformatted. There’s these huge spaces between sentences that, I’m guessing were suppose to be the start of a new paragraph.

I like that you started with, “I’m not just an animal. I’m not just flesh bone and blood and semen. I have emotions.” And then ended the section with that sentence as well. It’s a nice loop effect.

Beginnings:
“But when you are trying to forget…her…these other girls’ hearts are just food…”
I think this sentence could be tighter if the ellipses were cut as well as the “her”.

I think the dialog: “would you like to be with me again”….”Definitely” should be on its own line. I think it’d bring it out more clearer, put more emphasis on it if you want to put more emphasis on it.

Appearances:
Format thing: All the other sections you have the title above the first paragraph, in this one it’s on the same line. Doesn’t really matter, it just needs to be consistent.

This is awkwardly worded: “Having sussed out my client I assess how I will dress.”
There’s nothing wrong with this sentence, and I get that the rhyming is for emphasis, and it might be just me, but even in my first read through it felt awkward to me.

Elevator, Love Letter:
I think this is a nice juxtaposition with the description of filth later on in the story, “From filthy to beautiful, beautiful to filthy”.
I like it.

“One of the most magnificent Autumn/Winters of my life” The Autumn/Winters comes off as a bit awkward for me. Maybe an “and” between them instead of the slash. I think “Winters” should be singular as well, but I’m not sure.

Shoe Box:
I think the character really comes into his voice here. I think the “Wow” adds a lot to it and works nicely.

The story transitions nicely from one aspect of the character’s life to the other.
The technical things and the non-technical things. How the character feels now, and how the character felt then all transitions well whenever you make the transition.

“Because she knows me, she knows that falling for me is both inevitable and..fucking disastrous.”
The “disastrous” is in italics, if it doesn’t show up. Earlier in the work you use caps locks for emphasis and here you use italics. I think italics works better, but either way it has to be consistent.

Last paragraph of this sections there’s a small typo: “ She taught she knew me”.


I have to get to class, so I have to stop here. I’ll probably message you the rest of my review, or I can leave it as a comment, which ever you prefer.