Book Jacket

 

rank 5853
word count 43735
date submitted 09.03.2012
date updated 10.03.2012
genres: Instructional, Harper True Life, Ch...
classification: universal
complete

Hope's Journey

Angela De Souza

"There was a time when all I wanted was to die but now I have truly tasted life and love living."

 

Here I am, again, sitting on the bathroom floor, with a broken razor in my hand. Just enough of the cheap, blue, disposable, razor has been chipped away so that the sharp corners are exposed, exposed only enough to make some small cuts into the skin on my wrist.

“God, what is wrong with me, why am I like this? This just isn't normal! AND I am a leader in a Church!”

This was my conversation with God not very long ago. Yet again, I was having another attack of "whatever"! I had no idea what it was that came at me and I had no idea why I had gone there or even how I started going there in the first place. I had no idea what to call this “attack” so out of pure frustration I called it “whatever”.

Whatever it was or whatever it meant or what caused it, I just don’t know but whatever it was it simply had to go. Even though it was “whatever” which sounds very blasé it was a very real place that I found myself in.

 
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tags

, bi-polar, christian, depression, self harming, suicide

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12 comments

 

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Chapters

4

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Have a Check-up

I was at the gynaecologist’s office joking around about how I have never had this sort of check up in my life.  He took some medical history and then asked me to lie down on the examination table.  My palms were sweaty and my heart racing a bit as I was dreading what was to come. Pap smears and internal examinations are just not very comfortable and since this was my very first time having a smear I was feeling a bit embarrassed. 

To break the ice a bit I thought I would chat about something unusual that I had noticed in my body.  When I lay on my back and my bladder was a bit full my lower abdomen seemed to be swollen.  Thinking this was just my full bladder I made a casual joke about it and pointed it out as my bladder was getting quite full at the time of this examination.  He had a look and remarked that it did seem rather swollen and asked if it would be alright for him to do an ultrasound scan so that he could take a closer look at it.  I was thrilled to delay the internal examination so jumped at the opportunity to have the scan!

 

The Shock!

 

What happened next was not quite what I expected.  The gynaecologist was shocked at what he found saying that he had never seen anything like this before.  I could see all sorts of thoughts were running through his mind and when he finally spoke he seemed very worried.  All I heard was the part where he said he wasn’t going to do the internal examination and Pap smear today so I was thrilled!  

The details after that were a bit blurry as everything happened really quickly, emergency surgery was scheduled and fear didn’t really set in until I was at home waiting by the phone for the call that would say that a theatre had been freed up for my surgery.  The lump that was discovered was a very large cyst in my womb! It was about 14cm by 15cm and then still about another 12cm deep. I did look a bit pregnant and there were moments before my visit to the gynaecologist when the thought had crossed my mind that maybe I was. 

 

The Miracle

   

The reason I said previously that it was a miracle is because the ONLY reason I went for this check up at all was because I was being obedient to what I felt God was telling me to do to lead a depression free life.  One of the steps was to go for all my routine check-ups.  I had no symptoms that caused me to go for a check-up; I was simply following the process that I believe God was guiding me in.  It's possible that I would not be alive today if I had not had that check-up.

The journey after that was one miracle after another.  The way we managed to raise the finance for the surgery, the way the surgeon and anaesthetist volunteered their services for FREE as they knew I had no money.  The way I was taken care of after surgery and the way I recovered and healed afterwards.  The most amazing miracle of all was that the doctor that did my operation was determined to save my womb and not do a hysterectomy!  I wasn't bothered at the time as my first husband and I had already decided not to have any more children! I did say to the gynaecologist not to worry if he can’t save anything as I didn’t plan to have any more children. 

Looking back makes me want to weep!  God knew!  He totally knew that I was going to re-marry and have my precious Daniel and Amy, so He guided the doctor.  Surgery to remove the cyst took over four hours.  One ovary had to be removed but he did manage to save a part of the second ovary.   This healthy ovary was enough to give me my precious babies nearly ten years later. So as you can guess, one of the steps I found helped me walk away from a life of depression was to have a check-up.   I shudder to think what a mess that huge cyst was making of my hormones which could easily have caused depression. 

There may be something physical going on in your body that you are not aware of.  A medical check-up may help or even solve your depression.  Unbalanced hormones can cause depression - older women often need hormone replacement.  The intense hormone changes during and after pregnancy can also cause depression. Vitamin deficiency can cause depression too. Some medication can cause depression and so many more other physical factors can play a part in depression.  Having a physical check up will do you no harm at all but could find the source of your depression.

I have heard of people with a mild nagging toothache becoming depressed and as soon as the toothache was sorted out the depression went too.  One of my friends thought he was depressed for several months and after a check-up it was discovered that he had glandular fever.  There is simply no harm in having a check up if you are concerned about something or are feeling depressed.  

Most importantly if you hear this quiet but persistent voice telling you to have a check up then just GO!  I did and I am alive today because of it.

  Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Chapters

4

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Geddy25 wrote 276 days ago

Just read to chapter 3 and found it to be a seemingly immaculate text with no glaring errors etc.
I like the way you have structured your writing throughout - very ordered.
I'm not sure I'd have put the blog comments where you did, but that's just my opinion.
You've obviously written from the heart in this, and it comes across as such. I think a lot of people would benefit from reading that others struggle in their lives too. I'm not religious at all so I struggle with that aspect when reading books of this genre. I was a VERY strong Christian at one point in my life - about 20 years ago, but after some hideous events in my life (not self inflicted - deaths of my children), I turned away from that life and found I was much happier just living a normal, clean life.
One point, at the end of the introduction, I felt the sentence was a bit clumsy? Only my opinion of course - ..."this is the journey He took me on." I feel it would be better as "He took me on this journey"
Well done with this.
Mike.
(Way Back To Devil's Mountain)

Olga13 wrote 378 days ago

Hi Angela,

I have start to read the first 4 chapters.
Lost, loneliness, fears and what could I do to walkway from such pain?

I like the way how you did the formatting with the tittle...it does give the ideas of what we have had and what could be done in better way (for the reader).

This book is very interesting for each individual within or without relationship and can be introduced to the earlier of ages of reason.

Not sure if No-Christian will get the message that you are trying to say in here...but definitely it is worth to try to attract them too...

will read more and get back to you...
Olga 13

Olga13 wrote 390 days ago

I have only one sapce left on my WL and I have chosen Hope's journey.
I willt ry to read it and will get back to you with honest feedback and scoring.
Something telling me that most of those book that you have umploaded in this site are interesting...
what? I dont know - but cant wait to read and see ...
Till then, have lovely eveing...
Olga13

Dianna Lanser wrote 398 days ago

Hi Angela,
Here’s a CCRG review.

You are one of the bravest and most trusting women I have met. (Well I haven’t really met you, but I feel like I know you after reading a couple of your books)

Your story is quite remarkable and truthfully, hard to imagine. It is honest and raw in its telling, yet so encouraging. I’m so glad you have come through the dark days and I hope they stay away.

You have found what works for you, and you are sure enough and kind enough to share your secret with others – that being a close relationship with Jesus, getting rest, exercising, eating right, journaling your good days and bad days. Your discipline serve you well when faced with a medical crisis. And you came through with a positive, grateful attitude.

It is obvious God is allowing you to use your early choices and troubles as teaching tool for other girls. I know your story has spoken to me.

I only had one question. When the doctor found the cyst, were you pregnant? Unless it's in chapter five (I read through chapter four) I missed it, you didn’t tell what happened with that pregnancy.

Angela, thank you for telling your story and bringing hope and direction to all those who read your book. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

fatema wrote 400 days ago

A lot happening, you quooted everythinh in detail.
Oh from childhood to teenage and boyfriend. Rumous, divorce, shock and miracle. You had hope. well done.

Kerrie Price wrote 426 days ago

Hi Angela, full credit for your courage in telling your story so that it can give help and hope to others who have struggled with similar abuses. Your writing is clear and easy to read, with lots of very practical and useful advice. Please have a read of my book THE GOD PLEASERS, and let me know what you think. Although I have had a real relationship with God since I was 5 years old, I have still experienced my share of heartache and trouble. I am considering whether to include my testimony, so that people won't think I've had a trouble free life.

faith rose wrote 432 days ago

Dear Angela,

Thank you for sharing your journey, your story, your pain. After readng your first two chapters, I knew this would be a necessary, life-changing read. You have written this story from such a personal vantage point, as you have shared some very desperate times. Suicide is such a heartwrenching tragedy in families; I sincerely applaud you for allowing us to see your life and your deepest pain. Wishing you every success with this piece, believing it will touch (and change) many hearts.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

fatema wrote 434 days ago

on my book shelf.
May be you can back my Ache in my heart and put on yoyr bookshelf!

Shelby Z. wrote 435 days ago

This book is so tough to read and I am sure it was even harder for you to write this.
Your using your own story to share and help others as they may be going or have gone through.
It is so deep and strong.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Good work at portraying your story to the reader.
Best wishes.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

"Stolen Childhood" wrote 436 days ago

This is a so much better intro to your book Angela! Well done!

"Stolen Childhood" wrote 437 days ago

Actually the first 4 paragraphs in chapter 2 need to be on the description of ur book on authonomy! It's well written and it truly draws the reader in to your story! It's real life and no clutter, people will realate to the cutting!

eds wrote 437 days ago

This book will either save your life or help you save someone else's. A true masterpiece full of insight and extremely practical suggestions. ‘Find Your Purpose’ is definitely my favourite chapter full of life changing timeless truth. Highly recommended!!!

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