What We Live For

Hi Anthony,
I just finished reading Chapter 13, and there were parts that I was moved with your descriptions. You've described a great friendship here, and Johnny, rest in peace, is very well portrayed.

High stars and already on my shelf...
Lucette

Hi there! I MUCH prefer this opening scene, personally. I really feel for the child and have a better more solid sense of connection with him. In this opening, we are firmly in his POV, and so I feel for hm, almost wanting to reach out and grab him, put a coat on him.

also, the bit of toned down explicitness will be appreciated by many readers I think. Sex scenes may not be my "thing", it's true. But something about kids having sex was pretty dsturbing. And I think mostly just because of the level of detail that was originally involved. It felt almost illegal to read it, haha! ;-)

The opening scene is riveting, and gives us a strong sense of Andy´s state of mind.

Then me move into his back story and I feel I want more dialogue in it. The narrative is good and clear and to the point but more lines of dialogue would lighten it up.

Through the narrative, I develop empathy for Andy. He is a wonderful character, a survivor; the type I admire. And right now, at Chapter 8 I have a great deal of hope that he will manage his life well. I do care about Andy´s future.

I think that his voice is a little too mature for his age. He thinks in big words that belong with an adult. Who knows, maybe he is quite mature for his age. I was expecting someone more childlike.

Good work, good read, Anthony.

Elina
Last Tango for Che

Hi there! First of all I've read thru Ch. 3. First of all, the basics of grammar, sentence structure, word choice, all that is spot on. Very polished and edited, so kudos on that aspect.

Now, I'm not one to be anti-prologue just for the sake of it. I think they can and do work in some books. But yours is sort of...I'm not sure. It's so different in voice that it really throws me. Also, even in the prologue the voice switches to this sound that is almost like a brer' rabbit story voice. Moving on to Ch. 2 I was quite jarred and felt fairly confused and out of sorts for a bit. To be honest, I wasn't too fond of the voice from the Prologue, because I wasn't sure who's voice it was supposed to be. The child? But it doesn't sound like a child's voice. Some omnipotent observer? Personally, I think it would work better if it was told in the child's voice. That could be particularly heart wrenching.

Anyway, on to Ch. 2 and I started getting into your rhythm. then I thought it must be of the MC, but his father doesn't seem like the kind that would be slapping him, so now I'm confused as to who the child in the Prologue is...

As far as the story in Ch. 2-3. Easy to read and follow. Great character development, great pace. The only suggestion I have is to be specific as to how old each child is right away. With kids, we want to know up front. One or two years either way is a huge thing with kids. You waited much too long to tell us.

I don't think I'm a prude or anything. But I don't think, nor do I enjoy reading this graphic of a description of 12 year olds having sex. I think you could keep the scene, but not be so graphic. Shrug..who knows, maybe I am a prude, never been accused of it, but it was quite distasteful for me to read. Then again, I can't stand Erotica and can't really even stand Romance, haha! ;-)

Overall, quite well written and easy and enjoyable to read. I became instantly attached to the MC starting in Ch. 2 We don't have time to read everyone's novel in its entirety on this website. But I can easily see how a reader would want to continue turning the page on this story, at least up thru the point of Ch. 3. I only wish I DID have time to read everyone's books!

Great job!
Carrie Lange =D
Letting Go

Touching and engaging. Bash catches the anxieties of adolescence, weal and creates a main character the reader immediately sympathizes with. There is however a tendency for wordiness and slightly excess description, just enough to feel that some points are over-made.I found more than a few sentences that were too long or too complicated. So an edit with an eye to achieving a bit more simplicity in sentence structure would help. That said, I am off to read more!

Hi Anthony,

I remember reading 'What We Live For,' a few months ago when I first came on this website and it has stayed with me.

The beginning with a small child assisting his impatient father makes a great start.

I liked the way you described the friendship with your friend Spider, and I admire your descriptions of many of your characters such as Lainy, Dorothy and your father.

The description of little details like Spider's Dad's left eye when asleep, and Dorothy's delicious sounding Sopapillas, added depth to the story.

However although the stories are excellent I think it might flow better if you cut down on the amount of adjectives you use. Also breaking up the paragraphs would help the reader.

I wish you good luck with it,

Carol Jefferies
(A Prince Unboyed)
(Love for Lilian)

Anthony,

I've read the prologue and the first three chapters. I enjoyed them tremendously. I think good writing is like half-opening a hundred doors, one after the other. Through the emerging narrative, dialogue, etc., the reader gets a glimpse of this and that (what might be behind each door) but never sees everything. He or she has to read the whole novel to enjoy that privilege. You undoubtedly get that. The writing itself is very good. Flow: top marks. Use of language: top marks. Tone: top marks.
The only thing I didn't quite like was the length of the first chapter. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind long sentences, long paragraphs nor long chapters. If it's right, it's right - irrespective of length. With this opening chapter of yours, however, I felt like I was getting too much information too soon. I may be wrong here, but here's my respectful suggestion. Cut it in half. With minor restructuring, a new Chapter 1 could end with the two kisses and the promise of more, and a new Chapter 2 could finish with the sex scene.
As I've said, Anthony, I enjoyed reading What We Live For. It's top-notch stuff. It will be on my bookshelf soon, once I can free up some space.

Aba.

This is a lovely chapter (5)

Sad ending with the bird and Pepper :(

The love scene was tasteful and quite touching.

"I was pressed so close to her body that it actually hurt. Lovely! I like the spontaneity of it too,

I would trim the first chapter down a bit where you describe your love for nature. Just make it a bit tighter, before you go on to talk about the pigeon. But that's just my opinion.

You craft some lovely long sentences, but a comma or two wouldn't go amiss here and there. If I read out loud, sometimes I would be breathless. Mind you I over do the commas sometimes :)

All in all, very nice though. You describe the scenes well and your dialogue is good.

Anthony, the rewrite is better, but I still think there is something missing. Perhaps an explanation (thought process) why the experience happened. What he was thinking in the middle of it....LOL.....or maybe that is me, a girl, thinking this. Maybe guys don't think like girls do. Oh My! I am going to get myself in hot water here. I have written a few very heated scenes in my past, and the reader was right there in the person's head as it was happening. But again, maybe that is just me and my writing style. It is much better than the previous edition. You are a very good writer! I'm going to put you on my WL. Keep me posted with updates, rewrites, etc. Good luck with this!

Sincerely,
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Anthony, I think I felt every word of this book. You have a talent to write witout a doubt and I can see so many good things ahead. This genre suits your style as its very easy on the readers eyes and effects the flow of the book. With that and the build up of your charachters coupled with the pace of the book you have come up with a winning formula. I can only see good things for this book and wish you all the luck in the world with it. I loved it so much. Well done and high stars from me.
Sean Connolly. British Army ont he Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Anthony, I just read chapter five. It was well written, and riveting. You know you write well, when you can keep a reader spellbound about a pigeon, a girl, and a boy! lol The reason you can keep the reader spellbound is because the reader has become attached to the main character. Great job! The only thing I found a problem with, was the kiss, and what followed. That seemed to come out of the clear blue sky. I thought I knew Andy, and when that driving passion erupted, it didn't seem right. Maybe if it was clumsy, scary, but still passionate. Make sense? It just seemed too hot on both parts. Let me know if you decide to rewrite that scene. i'd gladly read it again! I give you another 6 stars!

Sincerely,
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Anthony, you are a suberb writer! I am putting this on my WL and when the month changes, I will put you on my shelf. Excellent 2 chapters that I have read so far. I couldn't stop at the first one. I didn't find one error, or anything i would change. Your writing is smooth, and i saw everything unfolding perfectly. You definitely have the skill of a professional writer. Have you been published before? I hope this catches the editor's eyes. you deserve to be discovered! 6 stars!

Sincerely

Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Hi Anthony,
I read the new version of your prologue and I have to say that it reads much better now. You've simplified your descriptions and it always works...
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Anthony,
I just read your new prologue, and I think it's a very authentic piece. A little mysterious though, which is good, because the reader doesn't know what to expect in the first chapter. Your style in general is artistic and unique, so it's a pleasure to read the ups and downs of the flow.

Six stars remain and best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi. have read your prologue and chapter one. I enjoyed it very much and will be reading more, you are on my watchlist. I love the quote at the beginning, so appropriate. In the prologue you have spelled grey snow GRAY, but that was the only error I spotted. The prologue is heartbreaking and chapter one is very touching and descriptive as you talk the nervous love making scene. Beautifully written and I can see this is going to be a great book. I do call myself Cathy with a C :)

Good luck and I will back your book soon.

Cathy xx

Hi Anthony,

I started to read your updated version of 'What We Wish For,' but after reading the prologue I realized I had read it before and had enjoyed it.

I suggest cutting down on some of your adverbs. eg. "But I," tears welled up in Andy's blue eyes as fits of sobbing suddenly overwhelmed his bewildered heart. I think you could remove the word 'suddenly.'

Also in the prologue you write, 'Andy turned and walked tearfully away from the scene.' You had already told the reader that he is crying, so perhaps remove the word, 'tearful.'

Only suggestions. I'm still learning on this site.

Good luck with it,

Carol Jefferies
(A Prince Unboyed)

This is a wonderful read and I am hooked. Beautifully written and I identify with a lot of it. You are so right when you say that everyone has different problems of varying degrees, but the important factor is how to overcome them. So true!

Cathy xx

Hi Antonius,
I've continued my read from where I was, on Chapter 6 and read until the end of Chapter 7. I wish we could have print-out copies for the books we wanted to finish until the end, but we'll have to stick to online possibilities at the moment.

Your writing style and the pace of your novel is in great harmony in these two chapters which I enjoyed reading very much.

Your MC's driving with Suzy without a driving license was a crisp section that made me smile, and it provided a dynamic opening for Chapter 5. Your Mc's expectation of seeing a brilliant flash or God's face was portrayed naively in a sincere style, as usual. I like the authenticity of your voice when you narrate.

I look forward to reading more...High stars remain and best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

There is an intimate quality to this book that made me feel that I was uncovering a secret. The personal perspective, from which this story is told, is very honest, allowing the reader to get to know the author's voice and thoughts. The loss of innocence in chapter one is cleverly written, with no unnecessary or gratuitous discription. The characters are well drawn. There is much to admire about this book. Yours Bea

Hi Anthony,
Though I've read the first two chapters earlier, I read them again and continued until the end of Chapter 5. Your writing style is amazing and your descriptions are remarkably good.

I enjoyed reading about your characters; Spider, Lainy, Suzy, Darrel and Tammy as you've introduced them in such a timely manner. The story is easy to follow because of your professional sense of structure and pace.

I liked the way you introduced Dorothy in the 3rd chapter, and the back-story you provided got me hooked in to the story, wondering how things will unfold from here.

The 5th chapter was great and your story telling skills peak here at some parts. I totally enjoyed reading your descriptions, especially I'm very much fond of the way you reflect emotions. Your first-person voice is flawless.
My fate did not meet my expectations however but instead...(I loved this line.)

Anthony, you have a great story here, and I'm sure What We Live For is going to be a very successful novel when it's published. I haven't noticed any glaring issues with pace, structure or syntax.

6 stars remain and I'm curious to see how the story will unfold!
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Anthony,
Your book's been in my Watch List for a long time and today I had the chance to read the first two chapters so that I could send you feedback on my first impressions.

Your writing style is quite authentic and your first-person voice is clear, easy to follow. I liked the way you started the story and the back-story you provided was in a good proportion and it was well-structured without distracting me from the main plot.

Your descriptions are crisp and entertaining at times, plus, you know how to balance them with useful information that we might need to know in the chapters coming ahead. The gloom at the overall ambiance is somehow lightened in some parts and that's what I like in a novel. Diversity, balance and honesty.

I look forward to reading more and hope you have the chance to check my book as well.
Highly starred.
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Anthony:
I just read seven chapters of your book. I came across it site surfing. I was going to read more before I commented but I wanted to do it while it was fresh in my mind. I did not see the first chapter as erotica AT ALL. Many, many people would have liked, I am sure, their first sexual experience to have been that 'nice' and innocent. The first discovery of their body and exploring. I thought you voiced it very well. I felt as I read this a soft, gentle voice and even sad at times, actually most of the time. A boy coming- of-age and the things that must be faced and dealt with which are hard enough in a 'good' home with plenty of affection and support. I love the way you describe or the analogy in comparing people to potatoes in an old dingy sack (not exact words) How original is that and how they fall away or out one by one until they are gone. Reminds me of something I read once." People get smaller and smaller when they walk away and then they are gone forever" I did not see typos in your writing (we all have them) but what I did see was talent. Your writing is excellent and you put your arms around the reader. It is almost like a caress. I absolutely love your work.
Shirley Grace
The Devil's Stepchild
Sinja
Turnips and Tulips

Dear Carol,
Thanks so much for reading some of my book and then backing it. I am very pleased that out of all the excellent books on this site, you chose mine to peruse on one of your first explorations. I'm wondering what caught your attention.
You mentioned that you were a little confused about the title. Yes, it might not be the easiest title in the world to understand. I guess that I was trying to give the reader a sense that, within the tale that is told, there are at least hints as to what it is that we human beings long for in life, what we strive for, and what gives our lives meaning. It is a very ambitious title, to be sure, but I hope that the contents will live up to the challenge.
As for your finding the book to be written in somewhat of a disjointed fashion, yes, that is it's structure. I have attempted to write each chapter as a short story that can stand by itself and be read and enjoyed without reference to other parts of the book. On the other hand, as it is not simply a collection of unconnected short stories, I have made attempts to weave in enough information to give the reader the sense that all of these stories are leading somewhere. There is definitely not a set and clear plot to follow but I think the reader can find a thread or two that will lead him/her to the conclusion of the tale with surety.
Again, thanks so much for your backing!

Hi Anthony,

I picked your book, 'What we live for,' to read because I like biographies, but was a bit puzzled by the title.

I thought the opening scene was excellent, it really hooked me. Immediately I felt empathy with Andy because of his devastating past and wanted to read more.

I think your writing is brilliant, and the description of the setting and characters believable, although I would have liked to have known more about your father, and why, in spite of his good intentions a closer bond with him as your saviour failed to develop either by you or your siblings . Also I would have liked to know more about your brother's downward spiral into mental illness.

I did find each chapter rather disjointed, and sometimes I had to check to see I had skipped a chapter. I liked the uplifting way Chapter 3 began with a description of Dorothy's cooking after the sad end of Chapter 2.

Your story made a deep impression upon me and I believe that such good writing deserves to be published.

Best Wishes,

Carol

Hello Anthony,
I'm not one for commenting on peoples work, but I feel compelled to do so in this case. I find your writing very honest and heartfelt. You have a gift / skill that seems to pull people into your story. No sooner had I started a chapter than the next thing I know I'm at the end of it, having fully absorbed everything inbetween. Some of your descriptions are possibly a bit excessive, but to be honest I don't have a problem with that, on the other hand some of them I found quite brilliant , well done ,
Kindest Regards,
Andy.

What We Live For
Anthony C. Bash

Hi,
I have read nine chapters of your book today. Your writing is clear and easy to read. By your words, you seem to have written from your heart. Though these are just my suggestions, I do feel you need to delete quite a number of adverbs. I have some I need to delete as well. These words sound nice, but become annoying. Adverbs most of the time take away from the flow. Instead of saying ':they loudly claimed their love for Jesus"...perhaps just...the congregation stood up and shouted and convulsed as they exclaimed their love" . Both say the same thing. Many of the adverbs you use, you can 'show' us what they are doing.
Good luck,
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

Anthony: That's quite an erotic, but very tender and sweet, first chapter. I remember reading your book and reviewing it a while back, but I had forgotten the first chapter a bit and am not able to spot the differences between the first writing and this one. I think I may have mentioned to you that erotica is not a genre I usually choose, but I do love authobiographies, and this didn't seem so much like erotica as it does an autobiography of a young man's first exploration of his sexuality. Actually what interests me the most is your background with your family and foster homes. I would really like to see you write a lot more about why, after getting back with your family, you felt like you were living with strangers. Is that because of the way they treated you? And what were your foster homes like and how did you come to be placed in foster homes? As a mother and a child psychologist, I guess these things just interest me more than your sexual experiences. Still, I think you write beautifully whatever you choose to write about and I will back your book eventually because you do great work!

Thank you very much for taking another look at my work, Patricia. I understand where you are coming from and so I can only say that while it was not my intention to write a piece of erotica neither was it my intention to give a full account of my troubled childhood. I suppose that what pushed me to write my book was a sense that there were some good stories to be told out of all the pain and confusion and searching that I experienced as a youth. I also sensed that although my story is unique perhaps in its details, in a larger scope, there are probably some universal chords to be heard. For example, the youth suffering from a broken family situation and the common experiences of child abuse that often follow when one parent remarries and the new parent has no love or compassion for the other partner's children. (Think Hansel and Gretel or Cinderella.) Or the youth searching for love and fulfillment but not having a good idea of where to find it or how to go about keeping it even if he/she does stumble upon it by chance. (Have you ever read Parzival by Wolfram Von Eschenbach? Highly recommended!)
Anyway, I do appreciate your faithful support, even if my book does not yet deserve a place on your esteemed shelf, and you shall continue to have mine until yours makes it to the desk. Best wishes!

What We Live For by Anthony C. Bash
Well written. The words flow off the page very well.
The story is not my type and I hardly every read Biographies. I think that the style of writing is very good.
Your pitch is good as is the title.
There does seem sot be a bit of jumping between things but the writing is good.
Nice work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Anthony: That's quite an erotic, but very tender and sweet, first chapter. I remember reading your book and reviewing it a while back, but I had forgotten the first chapter a bit and am not able to spot the differences between the first writing and this one. I think I may have mentioned to you that erotica is not a genre I usually choose, but I do love authobiographies, and this didn't seem so much like erotica as it does an autobiography of a young man's first exploration of his sexuality. Actually what interests me the most is your background with your family and foster homes. I would really like to see you write a lot more about why, after getting back with your family, you felt like you were living with strangers. Is that because of the way they treated you? And what were your foster homes like and how did you come to be placed in foster homes? As a mother and a child psychologist, I guess these things just interest me more than your sexual experiences. Still, I think you write beautifully whatever you choose to write about and I will back your book eventually because you do great work!

Anthony,
There's a poetic and nostalgic quality to your work. I admire your passion, as you tell of early years and the yearning for love and family. Your story is similar to mine in many ways, and i understand how important it is to talk or write about it because when you do, the real catharsis begins.
I encourage you to keep editing. I have read about a lot of editors here, on Authonomy, and although it can be pricy, it may be worth it from an editor's perspective. I am not an editor myself, but as a reader, here are a couple of observations:
"Whenever spider and i went Lainey was not far behind." Comma after went .
" There were no pictures of him and no mention of him as I grew up, nothing to create an imagination from."
Consider revising. Ending a sentence with a preposition is always a bad idea, so try and re-write it so it flows better.
Perhaps:
As a child, I couldn't even imagine my father. No one ever showed me any pictures, or talked about him.
This example may not be the best, but it's just to give you an idea of what i'm saying.
I wish you the best of luck with your work. Perhaps when you have a moment, you can take a peek at mine and let me know how i may improve it.
Maria x
The Path to Survival

Antonius,

I have read the first chapter of What We Live For. A well constructed tale that draws the reader in with a sort of freindly familiarity. The descriptions of early adventures in love are well done, tenderly told, descriptive enough to engage, without going too far. Well done!
I hate to review without making some critical suggestions and so a few points I noticed are noted below. I hope they are useful.

Now, I felt certain... don't need the comma
for some reason, we had kept them... don't need the comma
a few long compound sentences that could be split up to improve the flow.

I probably haven't noticed all the commas etc., but a good read through should sort them out. Overall, very well written. I've starred it highly.

Looking forward to your views on Horizons.

Best regards,

Robert

Dear Antonius: As I said in my earlier review, your book is outstanding and I think the only reason that it's going down in rankings is because you don't have enough exposure....so, just a hint....the more you read and review other books, the more exposure you'll receive.
Let's get it moving in the right direction - up the ranks!
admiringly,
Patricia Laster

Incredible beginning tor a compelling story, the more so because it is biographical. Your writing is clear and evocative and draws the reader right into your life with its exquisite attention to detail. Each of your accounts of your life is carefully designed and articulated to grab and keep the reader's interest.Your friend may have been named Spider, but you have spun a wonderful tale, the more meaningful for being true. You are to be commended for a job well done. I know first hand how difficult it is to write biography, and I wish you the best in your endeavors.

Lynne Heffner Ferrante
An Untenable Fragrance of Violets [also an autobiography]

This is a thought-provoking biography of a young man, which is written with verve.
I hope the ending for the book is as positive as the ending for young Andy :)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Anthony, I've read four more chapters this evening. Your work is full of honesty and integrity, and I love the way that you focus on a significant person or event in your life in each chapter. In doing so, I feel I am beginning to know you well, and the more I know, the more I want to invest in the rest of the book. It is beautiful writing that deserves to be more widely read.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

This is a very quiet, understated story with brilliant imagery and descriptive snapshots of a young man's life. In many ways I envy the free lifestyle of this uninhibited, fearless, risk-taking young Don Juan (although I don't think the author would see himself that way) and thoroughly enjoyed the charming vignettes of his life.

The writer of this pictorial biography is obviously very intelligent, well educated, and gifted in his use of language and phraseology. Some of the more vivid chapters (snapshots) include:

Andy slipping to Spider's sister's bedroom.
Freshman Death week at the private school run by the Oblates of St. Francis.
Dorothy LeSeueur and her sopapillas (left my mouth watering!)
The sad disintegration of Andy's family: Michael, a bipolar schizophrenic and Suzanne, lost to the wild life.
I've got to admit that there were some chapters (10,11,12) a bit too explicit and risque for this old woman, but other readers will truly enjoy the sexual details.
Psychology 101 and Kim
Trip to Tuskarora with Don
The two-story tree house at Coelan Landscape & Garden Nursery
The vegetarian lifestyle and Denise and friend, John Luc
The Univ. of Cal. at Santa Cruz in the foothills of the Santa Cruz mountains

In many ways, Anthony's book reminds me of other published, well-known travelogues and descriptive biographies and, since I love this genre, I was a bit partial to this book, however, I realize that it will not be everyone's taste because of the very things I like: a rambling, loosely connected story with a lot of philosophical ideas and graphic description. Although some readers, who may be looking for more action with a single threaded plot, might find this a bit long on description, it is a biography well worth reading and singular in it's snapshots of an unusual life. Excellent work and I hope you will soon find a publisher! Many stars :o)

This is really well written (from what I've read so far). You have a good 'voice' and it flows fairly naturally. You have a few missing commas, but no big deal. You also did pretty well with incorporating the bit of exposition that you wanted to get across in the first chapter, but I did feel it went on a bit too long (not the chapter, the exposition), so I suggest leaving some of that there and taking a bit out to drip in bit by bit in appropriate places later on. You did it very well, but that was the one spot where my interest started waning a bit, but only because it went on a tad too long for me. Nice job, and I'll add it to my Really Worth Reading thread.

Oh, the one word that threw me a bit was 'miens', as I had only ever read that used in the singular and only in reference to faces/expression. I also thought you had meant 'of poor means', but the dictionary was little help to me, as it just had a secondary definition that rather generally said it can mean 'appearance', so I'm still unsure of your usage here!

Your book isn't getting the attention it deseves. I don't know how hard you push it in the forums, but you might gain a little more attention if you can gin up a stronger cover and long blurb.

Ted

Anthony, I've just read the first 3 chapters, and I have to say that I am deeply moved by what I have read so far. You had me hooked in chapter 1, with your honesty about the painful situation of your early childhood and then the secret night visit across the hall. Your phrasing is measured and beautiful - I am, quite simply, loving this. Five stars for now, and I will return to it tomorrow (Sunday).
I've noticed two typos so far, both in chapter 2.
'...the distain and rejection...' - I think you mean 'disdain'.
'...had the treatment being dealt out equally...' - I think you mean 'been'.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

Hey Antonius - as promised, I've read the first chapter and am loving it so far. I love the way you've introduced the characters. I know you've placed this book in the non-fiction genre so I assume this is a biography, right? Personally, I think you've done such an excellent job of introducing Moondoggie (Andy?) to us and given us a glimpse of his troubled up bringing that I honestly think you could afford to go a little bit slower or into more detail on his life in the orphanage and foster homes and the fact that he met his father after many years of absence. Of course, yes, you may go into more detail on this in the coming chapters but then you've introduced from Chapter 1 what I assume is his first sexual encounter which is actually a very intimate thing to be given an insight to without really knowing where this person has come from and why this moment of bonding was so important and key to him - it has to be key as its the first thing we're introduced to. I love the language you've used - you've managed to describe some horrific experiences for Andy and his siblings in the most matter of fact way which makes it very palatable for the reader. I definitely want to read more to see more of Andy, where he's come from and where he's going - assuming that this is where the book is leading us? Well done with this work and for sharing it. I've added it to my WL so I can add it to my bookshelf next month as I'm already backing 5 books for July. This is great work - Jac :)

Hi Antonius,
Reread your first chapter. I am not sure I can tell the changes you have made, except perhaps more detail about your home life and the experience with the young girl? To be honest, I preferred the first version as far as describing the sexual scene...too much description made it seem less innocent to me. On the other hand, I think it was effective for you to add more details about your own childhood. I wish you continued success with this- looks like you have received a lot of positive reviews! Ruby

I see that my book has reached a certain milestone, ranked at 3000, on the long road to recognition and so I am going to commemorate this small but important event with a poem. It comes from a deep longing that I recognize as I primary motivation for many of the things that we do.

Spirit of Beauty

I seek the beauty in the world
It shines in star and stone and flower
It lies in beast that move and feel
It lives in Man where spirit dwells.

And in the beauty of this world
I sense that wisdom weaves and lives
And shineth forth from deep within
From all the Nature's hand has touched.

Spirit of Beauty, live in me
And guide my eyes and hands and heart
That I may a worthy servant be
Of all that's fair and good and true.

{What We Live For} – Anthony C. Bash

This story started tugging at my heart even after just reading the pitch. I wanted to hear about young Andy, and be with him through his suffering.

The first chapter was captivating, from the reader’s desire to know what this ‘promise’ is, and our hearts thumping as Andy creeps down the corridor, to the lovemaking, so tastefully written, capturing beautiful and youthful innocence too. A line I loved was ‘The pale moon passed no judgment as it looked on from its high summer throne amidst the velvety dark blue of that quiet evening sky.’

I love how each of your chapters offers a snapshot into Andy’s life, from a different angle, giving us a new ‘fragment’ or piece of the puzzle. Sometimes, with true life, the reader might be bombarded with all sorts of details about past history etc. You don’t do that; the reader can almost jump in any time, and became a part of it. – The Freshmen/Death week… the Sopapillas (wow such a sensual chapter, this made my mouth water!!) .. Christmas Eve in chapter4, the last line touched me, when Andy is watching Tammy’s brother sleeping in her arms and thinks ‘Would there be a chance for me?’.

Chapter 5 marked a turning point, and the way you describe ‘the thin fabric of our tenuous family life began to tear and unravel, and if you will, akin to potatoes falling out of a rotten old burlap sack, various members fell away..’ Then ‘during that last year of high school, some very healthy buds began to show themselves from beneath the crumpled and pathetic countenance of my soul.’ It is truly beautiful how you contrast any ‘despairing’/dark sort of images, with little seeds of hope :) Your search for God in chapter 6 was also touching, and the title ‘Lightning Never Strikes When You Want It To’ … so thought-provoking. I’m going to keep reading this because your story is captivating.

I have a slight suggestion, although it’s only something as boring and silly as phrasing. At times, you have quite long sentences, maybe even unpunctuated. I’ll point out a few from chapter one – and just as a suggestion, ways of breaking/dividing it up to perhaps make it more fluid to read. I’ll say don’t be afraid of having shorter sentences at times - especially with first person, because with first person we’re inside the head as though we’re thinking the protagonists thoughts – and sometimes thoughts are short/sharp/erratic etc.

1) ‘I knew I shouldn’t been heading…’ → ‘I knew I shouldn’t have been heading for that room. But I had promised. And I was bound because of the warm kisses she had given me to seal that vow, and lodge it firmly in the chambers of my heart.’ (also, location of kiss is not important here – we just want to know HOW he is feeling, and you mention the location later in the chapter; ‘outside of the bathroom, right next to her bedroom.’)
2) Comma and slight reword as follows; ‘She couldn’t swim as fast as us, and she certainly couldn’t pedal as quickly either, but that didn’t stop her from trying as hard as possible to keep up.’ → tried to eliminate some of the ‘us’ so it isn’t repeated… I think it works, because it is implicit?
3) ‘My brother and I had been separated…’ → For over seven years, my brother and I had been separated. At age nine, he had been abruptly removed from his place in our previous home. It had been because of mother’s second husband , and the vicious, violent physical and emotional abuse he had suffered there.’
4) ‘I returned to Spider’s room…’ I’d just split by cutting out the ‘and’. → full stop after ‘heart’. Then ‘Thankfully, I found an easy diversion..’
5) ‘Lainy had said…’ split → ‘… overcome my sleepiness. It gave me the resolve to steel myself against the fear of getting caught, and find the courage to make the dangerous journey to her room.’
6) para ‘The next surprise…’ I’d split sentence; ‘… probably would have pulled my hand away. But she kept a determined, constant pressure..’
7) comma; ‘kissing adventures, but the way Lainy and I…’
I hope that is helpful, but overall I love this, a sprinkling of stars and I will recommend you!!
Thanks so much for your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’!
Have a terrific day :)
Cara

What We Live For

I read your first four chapters. I’ve always enjoyed watching people from a distance, like at concerts, or while waiting for the light to change, wondering what their stories were, knowing that most were likely as colorful and complex as my own (perhaps more so). What We Live For scratches that itch. It reads more like a memoir than a novel. I believe this is partly due to the scarcity of dialogue and partly the telling quality of the narrative. What kept me reading on was the feeling of realism, the impression that this is the truth being told. One can’t help liking Andy because he is honest.

I particularly liked this line:
“Her pleas were so earnest and so fetchingly cast, her looks so innocent and pleasing…”

And I feel Andy’s excitement as he climbs into the sack with Lainy. The thrills feel very real. I think the sentence structure, vocabulary, and paragraph structure are excellent. Well done.

If you want this to read more like a novel, you might convert more of the story telling into action scenes with conversational dialogue.

Recommended, highly starred, and backed!

You are right past does weights heavily on the present and so does it destroy family, whether the indiviual or not. May be depends how the individual is> a great pitch attracted me.

I enjoyed reading What We Live For. The story is fluid and crisp

Hi there,
I have returned to finish your book as promised. First, let me say that I am so envious of the life you have led, full of risks and unknowns that you embrace, rather than fear. From working with dolphins, to naked walks in the woods, to living in a treehouse...you have so much to write about and share. Your writing is easy to follow and easily engages the reader. And I am sure that the life you are leading now is just as full of interesting tales. I sense that you are not interested in writing a novel about your entire life, but maybe just exploring different "slices" of your life. I am wondering why your story is listed as complete - I am confident your journey had much more to share! I have enjoyed reading your work, and wish you all the best! Sincerely, Ruby

your book is coming along nicely here, and i think you have strengthened it with your edits, so be encouraged!
j

Hi Antonius,
returning your read of Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams. Thanks again.
This is a quietly gripping, very charming tale. I quickly began to like the main character, Andy. He is naive, kind and good natured. His innocence is very appealing and well observed. I can imagine that this is exactly how a young boy would feel. It was exciting to be in his shoes!
So, down to the nitty gritty... (feel free to ignore)
The invitation in chp1 is not needed. As a reader I like to imagine the author doesn't exist at all and I am in someone's head walking around, so this got in the way a little.

Chp 2: Brilliant first line about the eye. Well done. Loved it. Start from here. A much better start to the book. You write very well but sometimes I felt the author's voice slipped in too much. Better to make it sound as if it's coming from Andy as a young boy. Otherwise, it gets in the way of our feeling we are there watching everything unfold.
“Perhaps it was our zest for adventure and dare taking” sounds too authorial, not like a young boy.
I love, “Yes, he was Spider, lithe and fast. And I, I was Moondoggie, round and dreamy.” Very simple and concise but differentiates the boys quickly in our heads. Brilliant.
“who had bestowed those nicknames on us and for lack of better or for the sake of camaraderie” sound too much like the author again. It breaks the freewheeling, innocent atmosphere of the character’s story. Use simpler language that Andy might use and the story will feel more real.
“She asked what had kept me from coming sooner... whispered me over to her bed” Breaks the mood a bit and isn’t needed. When he opens the door the mood is electric! Just go straight to “I had never been in a...”

Although I felt chps 3&4 were interesting, they disappointed slightly after chp1. I think you need a little more enough action/dialogue to break up the narrative in those chps. Chp5 seemed back on track.

All in all an enjoyable read. I have absolutely no room on my shelf, but I'm happy to give you 6 stars. I think you've got a wonderful story, just needs a little more crafting.
All the best,
Sharda.

chap. 20 - what a glorious experience...I am green with envy!

17,18,19....nicely done. I llked 18, and especially liked chapter 19. The horse rides you describe leave a hole in my heart, I yearn for that experience so!