Dead Letter Drop

Sam, this is a beautifully written, fast moving piece of work. There doesn't seem to be much (of this quality) out there for kids at the moment - so I think you are on to a winner!

Saying that, the story would appeal to a lot of adults I know...its certainly got me gripped.

Well done mate. (6 stars)

CHIRG
Sam a great follow up to the first adventure. Well written and it is nice to get back into a story with characters you know!
hoping to get both on my shelf pretty soon!
:)
diane

This is good writing. I enjoyed this so much and thought that the pitch and pace of it was equally as good. I dont see too many issues here. The characters are great and match the book and your writing so much. They fall into the main story so well and your talent for the planning of the story with the characters in mind is very good. Nice flow and a nice even narrative. Well done and good luck with this.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

CHIRG REVIEW
Dead Letter Drop/Sam Banfield
I read your story 213 days ago and left a comment and rating then, but I chanced upon it on the children's site and decided to read chapter 15 which is still just as scary as the previous chapters I'd read. Marlowe and the Spook-O-Meter which he tries to find, Eydie and Tibs are still bickering with one another - mostly to their disadvantage, because the starling truth is that someone's life might be in danger - Marlowe's!
They took a ride with Willoughby Sykes and Marlowe declines the offer to sit in front - the man is not to be trusted. When Willoughby finds his brother, Noah, he promptly shoots him and now the gory bits really start, because stuff looking like blood pouring from Noah starts to creep and cover Willoughby and Eydie rushes forward to try and save him, but she is shoved aside by some invisible force and the two brothers disappear into the void. The chapter ends here, but the plot is driven on when the reader is hooked by Eydie's ominous words, "I think things just took a turn down nasty street."
I must admit that even though your writing is very descriptive, I personally find the story quite graphic and sometimes too gory and perhaps too violent, considering the genre you've chosen -children's, but perhaps you are thinking of older children? On the other hand today's children seem to be less spooked by spooky events., in which case my comments would be null and void...Your dialogue throughout is very good and believable, making your story alive, because the heroes behave typically like children who, instead of trying to solve their problems end up arguing. I've starred again and hope your book is successful here on authonomy during 2013 :-)
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

YARG review

I like that this story is told from 3 different POVs, though i'm partial to Eydie

my only real crit is to watch comma usage, as there seem to be many missing. Mostly before and after names
eg, "So then(,) Tibs(,) I know you're lying"

what a great name, Eliza Entwhistle - very clever, just like the rest of the story :)

high stars
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened - http://authonomy.com/books/47822/it-never-happened-a-max-cole-story/
Maybe when the holidays have passed, you'll find some time to read a chapter or two of my book too? I'd really appreciate that :)

Sam
CHIRG Review

I found your title intriguing 'Dead Letter Drop' so decided to read the first chapter.
The opening scene is very well written and had me engaged with the two boys in the graveyard. I could picture them both crawling inside the bush. There's some nice description here but it's not overdone.
I found your characters and their dialogue believable - the dialogue moving the story along at a good, snappy pace.
I particularly liked, '... weaving a course of grace and havoc between the tombstone.' This really captures Eydie's character.
I think your readers will be attracted to the spookiness in this story along with the mysterious letter from the deceased Eliza Entwhistle.
The modern references to email and the internet give it an up-to-date feel that your readers will be able to relate to.

One thing that might need a little editing is the dialogue e.g. 'No, not at all.' Said Marlowe. There are quite a few places where you use a fullstop after speech rather than a comma followed by lower case. Other than than it all looked good to me.

I really enjoyed this and am starring accordingly. Best of luck with it.

Debbie
'Speedy McCready'

CHIRG/YARG review
Hello,
You already know that I like your writing, so I’ve been super critical this time (because I know what you can do!)

Pitch: How can a town have something scrawled on the back? Maybe work on the postcard analogy a wee bit? I know what you mean, but something about the wording ruins it for me.

I thought you could delete ‘and in that town’, and just leave ‘and everybody has something to hide’. We know that you’re talking about the town.

Maybe ‘on the very limit of THE barely legal’?

‘At their head….’ Again, the wording just doesn’t flow for me. Maybe change to ‘The leaders are…’ or something simple like that.

‘Broadcliff’s dark past’

You could delete the more detailed info at the end and just say ‘a rendezvous with an entity….’ At this point, we don’t need to know where this will take place.

Ch 1. I’m not great with commas, so I won’t comment on where they should be. I have a feeling that you need some more, here and there, but I leave it up to others to say exactly where.

‘cold stone gravestone’ too much stone here, for my liking.

In the note: ‘move on’. Seems a bit too modern? If it’s written by someone who’s been dead for 100 years or so, something more old fashioned may fit better.

Great setting for a first chapter! There’s quite a lot of conversation towards the end, where I guess you’re trying to introduce the Guild. But it makes me feel as if I’ve missed something (a previous book) when they all talk about ‘the General’ and their fake fishing trip. Can you shorten and simplify this in some way, while perhaps explaining where the name comes from?

Ch 2: In fact, this chapter explains almost everything we need to know about the Guild – a really nifty way of doing it.

Ch 3: Maybe a few too many exclamation marks as Marlowe is speeding downhill on his skateboard. I’ve been told (by Lucy Middlemass, I think) to only have them in conversations. I’ve ignored her advice in a few instances, but it’s still good advice.

I still enjoyed this a lot. I love your characaters and your writing. At the moment, 'The commitee' is my favourite though. If this series hit the shops, I'd buy all the books and read them compulsively.

Jess

Hey Sam,

I finally got around to reading the rest. Sorry it took me so long. I loved it. The story is excellent and the ending is perfect.

I decided not to do a line-by-line critique since there were a lot of grammar, missing-word, spelling, and other errors. Most of the errors in these chapters are similar to the ones i pointed out before. So just keep in mind that those are the types of things that I think you need to iron out.

As far as the book goes overall, I love this story. Eydie, Marlowe, and Tibs are great characters and I love following them.

I'd say, the biggest distraction in the narrative is the chapters that are not told from the POV of any of the three protagonists. I really think it would be best to keep things in their POVs. The only person (as I can remember) who gets multiple bits in her POV other than the MCs is Suzy. While her sub-plot is funny, I don't think it deserves a POV switch. I think that you should tell those stories from Marlowe, Tibs, or Eydie's POV. Maybe they overhear some things, or something along those lines. I'm not sure how you would do it exactly, that's up to you, but I do think that those chapters and POV switches are distracting and they give far too much importance to Suzy. The other POV switches - like to the groundskeeper with the body in the wheelbarrow - are also distracting. Most of them hint at a bigger picture with the Rat Catcher's Guild that I'm guessing you get to in the second book. But in this book they are distracting and make me think that I've missed some of the story. I'd leave them out, personally. I think that those bigger picture stories can be addressed in the sequel. I'd leave this as an intro to the RCG.

All in all, I really like this. The story is excellent and keeps me reading all the way through. Good work! I think this needs polishing, but after that this is definitely something that I would buy and recommend. I'm sure my 9 yr old and 13 yr old sisters would adore this.

Good job!

Anna-Lara
Throne of Gwindelm

YARG III
Dead Letter Drop
Sam Banfield

The title of the book caught my attention. You have a good idea for a story. There is suspense and mystery. It may have been just me, I had to read it two times to get into what was going on. I only read one chapter, so maybe you have their age on in the next chapter. The idea for the story will attract children of all ages and young adults!
Good luck,
Sara Stinson

YARG continued...

The pace of this piece is picking up nicely and I really like where the story is going. Overall, I think you need to work most on transitions. Whenever you switch scenes or POV, the transition is often abrupt and awkward. I've pointed out a few instances below, but on a whole you need to revisit your transitions and smooth them out.

I'll be back to read more soon. Good work!!! (detailed crit below)

Anna-Lara
Throne of Gwindelm

Chp 7

“hair was dyed blond spiky, and had recently taken” – his hair wears a scarf? That’s talented hair. Sorry… It should say, “he had recently taken”

The transition from the black goo to the arcade is very abrupt and rather awkward. It takes a while to adjust to the new pace and setting.

I don’t like the switch from Suzy to Marlowe’s POV. Maybe try doing the scene from Suzy’s POV. The transition is weird though.

“deep slurp of his can” – say from…he’s slurping the drink, not the can.

Chp 8

“It was a little later in the day” – this is vague. Since I know that it was about midday before, now you can say it was about mid-afternoon or something along those lines.

I know that splitting the beginning of this chapter into its own chapter would make for a short chapter, but I think that would be best. Going from midday to late at night is too jarring of a transition for mid-chapter.

LOVE the history and entrance to the pub.

Chp 9

A note on POV: Okay so your POV is all over place. I can usually follow it, but I’d prefer it you stuck to one character in any given stretch. Let me take a walk in one character’s shoes at a time. It’s fine to switch the POV, but remember that whenever you switch it to makes the transition smooth. Make sure that it is absolutely imperative to tell the story from a different character’s POV before you switch. Sometimes when you switch POVs, you have a text break, but other times you just switch as if you have gone into an omniscient narrator. The thing is that sometimes you switch your POV limited to different characters, and other times you have a loosely omniscient POV. You need to choose something and stick to it. Make the POV tight. I would rather understand the POV of one character than feel like I’m being tossed around amongst multiple POVs. As a reader, I yearn to settle into one character’s thoughts.

“wait for the sun to go out” – say burn out or die out, this is too vague.

GREAT chapter ending

Chp 10

“his brained raced” – you mean brain

“It was early Monday morning…” – make this a new chapter. The time break seems too long to be the same chapter.

“unfortunate soul…concoction were” – should be was

“Tibs was waiting for his man, Tibs was waiting for Fingus.” – I don’t understand the “his man” part. That could mean a billion things. I’d say cut that phrase. Leave it – “Tibs was waiting for Fingus.” If you want to say something as to who Fingus is, then be more specific.

“Hooney shot it a glance.” – awkward. Maybe “shot a glance at it” would be better.

“His eyes shot about the place…” – this visual is extremely awkward. I get the image of eyes literally zooming around the room. Maybe his gaze short about the place???

“The offered hand was not accepted, Hooney nervously pulled it back and stroked behind his ear, an idea flashed into his head.” – each of these commas should be a period. You really need to watch out for run-ons. This is just one example. However, this is a frequent problem.

Look up proper grammar and punctuation usages for beginning and ending dialogue. This is a frequent issue that a copy-editor would have nightmares trying to sort out completely. You need to sort this. The more polished your structures look, the more someone will buy into your writing.

Chp 11

“library after opening hours” – this is odd. Say after closing. It’s much simpler and more straightforward.

“wagged at finger at Tibs” – a finger

When you switch to Marlowe’s POV in this chapter the tone does a 180. It’s a little too abrupt for an in-chapter switch. It sounds like a new chapter.

“outfit, of a long” – no comma

Oh no! Don’t skip the action scene. This scene has so much potential sights, sounds, tastes, smells, feeling – everything! Don’t skip it. It’s such a let-down for me a reader. That jump to “It was sometime later” made my heart sink. Give us all the juicy details of this process through Marlowe’s eyes. There’s so much you can do with this, don’t just throw it away.

So by this point, I’m starting to get frustrated that the kids haven’t mentioned when Enoch and his brother were talking about getting Rachel back. It’s like they don’t seem to remember everything they heard at the Merry Dance, which doesn’t fly. There are things they heard that seem like crucial info to me, but they’re ignoring them.

Chp 12

Should be – “cars were rumbling down the busy road.”

Ok here’s my thought: I think the information from Rachel’s diary is really interesting, but I’d like to see some of it. It might work best for you to have Tibs’ descriptions of skimming through sections, with Rachel’s words telling us the bulk. Instead of just saying, she noticed changes in her husband, give us the snippet of text from her account where she says that. I think that would add a lot of intrigue to this scene.

Oh one of the kids in the orphanage was stealing things? Possibly people’s favorite objects? Like the doll Dotty, Tibs’ watch, Marlowe’s skate board, and Eydie’s knife? I’m just spit-balling. I like the way pieces feel like they fit together.

I’d say break the chapter after “and bring a shovel!” – make the graveyard bit a new chapter.

“pointing to a piece of what look like a large piece” – don’t say piece twice say something like “pointing to what looked like a large piece” instead

Chp 13

There are a lot of typos, grammar mishaps, and the like scattered throughout this chapter. I won’t point them out, but read through and edit.

YARG review

This is good. I think that you need to rework your short and long pitches to really go for the story, not the setting. The best way to write a long-pitch is to focus on the action in the first 30 pages. What is the inciting incident? Talk about the letter right away in your pitch. To be honest, I had second thoughts about reading this based on your pitch, but I'm really glad I did. Your pitch needs to be just as fast-paced and clever as your book.

As far as the book goes, good job. There are a few grammar mistakes that you make a lot. I've tried to point them out in my critiques below. Anything that you did only once or twice (unless it took me out of the story) I didn't point out.

Your descriptions of people are really nice. I'd like to see the same witty way you describe people applied to the setting. As of now, I have no idea what the world looks like.

I've read the first 5 chapters, I'm giving this the empty space on my bookshelf.

Good work! My detailed critiques are below.

Anna-Lara
Throne of Gwindelm - YA Fantasy

---

Chp 1

“the sun was doing its glorious thing.” – this is a really vague description. If it’s a so glorious, then describe it to me, don’t just tell me that it happened. Help me see it.

“It was dome-like inside the bush.” – this sounds awkward. It would be better to say it straight forward: “The inside of the bush was dome-like.” Or “like a dome”.

“Marlowe always thought for his size Tibs was pretty nimble.” – cut “always”. Make him think it now so that it’s in the moment.

The word toward is not spelled with an “s” on the end. For reference, neither is afterward, backward, forward, upward, downward, etc. Adding the “s” is just a colloquialism. Technically, there’s no “s”. It’s one thing to use the s in dialogue, but I’d keep it out of narration.

“late seventieth century” – I think you mean seventeenth

“He could feel his blood beginning to pound.” – this sounds weird. For the most part, hearts pound, blood races.

“plucking one of the long grasses” – just say a piece of grass. You say long grass in the next sentence, and the repetition stands out. Also, one is singular and grasses is plural, so it sounds a little odd.

“…if being in the Guild was dangerous, not being part of it was almost certainly fatal.” – LOVE IT. I’m hooked. Great sentence that makes me want to learn the mystery.

“label him under” – just label him. You file something under… you just simple label.

You do this a few times. Make sure that when you end dialogue it’s: ,” said … not .” Said --- in general you need to look at commas and periods and lack-thereof before and after dialogue. It’s an issue.

Chp 2

My main note is to read it aloud. Some of it sounds super official, and some doesn’t. Reading it aloud will help you spot the difference. Also, ask someone to line edit this for you. There are grammar problems in it – and there shouldn’t be grammar issues in what sounds like an official report. Also, I think that you need to label this a little more clearly. I wasn’t sure what I was reading until after halfway through.

The Gingham Duvet Incident – HAHAHA – love it.

Chp 3

Just say: “The next day Marlowe woke…”

“the carpet looked as it was made up of…” – this sounds like you’re describing the texture of the carpet and not what’s on top of the carpet. Brings about an weird mental image.

“who worked in a government facility nearby” – oh cool! What kind of facility? And what does he do? I’m guessing he works with computers, but since you didn’t tell me, he could be a janitor. And what type of facility? Intelligence, military, chemicals, tech, manufacturing???

“like the roots of a mango tree” – most people have no idea what the roots of a mango tree look like. This is a really specific reference. I’d use a tree that most people will think “oh right, I know what that looks like” when you say it. I was curious and looked it up, but that also means that the reference pulled me out of the narrative, which isn’t good. Keep people in the story. Reference a tree that actually grows where these kids live.

“it reacted gratefully” – it’s a little weird to say that the skateboard reacted gratefully. What’s it grateful about?

Okay this is personal preferences, but “said Ced” sounds really weird; “said Cedric” would sound better.

Chp 4

Karate is a Japanese martial art, so he definitely wouldn’t know it. Wushu and kung fu are the common western terms for Chinese martial arts.

I’ll mention this now because it’s a recurring problem: you have a lot of run-on sentences. You break them up with commas, but you need to either divide them or use semi-colons. I’m not going to point them out, as that would take too long. My suggestion would be to read your work aloud. When the break is natural, add it. Or have someone line-edit for you and point out the run-ons.

“and almost immediately wishing she hadn’t” – should be wished

Chp 5

“It looked as though his descendants had somehow cheated evolution” – I think you mean ancestors here. Also cheated evolution makes me think that he’s very evolved (as in, cheated and skipped ahead). I think you mean to say that he somehow missed evolution – like he looks sort of Neanderthal-esque.

“In the heat of the afternoon, it had begun to stink.” – Does he have a body in a sack in a wheelbarrow in a schoolyard? If so…awesome, I hope you come back to it. If not…how very misleading of you.

Dr. Mr. Ms. Etc… they all need a period following them. Not just Dr or Ms

“I’ll think I’ll give them to…” – the first I’ll should be I

“but the one thing everything agreed on…” – should be everyone agreed on

“who has a seriously thoughtful look about him” – should be had. Stay past tense.

Yarg 2

What a great read! I think this could be made into a nice creepy little movie, like that new one out - Paranorman. Love the trio of kids out to save the town. loved the opening graveyard scene. You made everything nice and spooky. The ending of chapter one where they find that their new client is dead was great. This would definitely appeal to children. Had a nice Roald Dahl feel to it.

YARG

Hi Sam,

I’ve been meaning to take a look at Dead Letter Drop for a long time and finally got around to it. I’m so pleased I did. This is great – and just the sort of thing that would appeal to kids of a wide range of ages. It’s the sort of stuff that they start on young and follow for years, so I’m assuming you were intending to follow this mystery with several more? I hope so, anyway.

Anyway, here are my chapter-by-chapter notes. They’re all just my opinion, so use what works for you and ignore the rest.

Ch 1

1) Punctuation around dialogue.
It looks as though you’ve got this beautifully backwards – right throughout your manuscript. The best way to understand dialogue punctuation is to read the thing as a sentence without quotation marks, putting in full-stops where they should go. Once you’ve done that, you put the quotation marks in around the dialogue and if there isn’t already a full-stop (or question mark; or exclamation mark) at a close quotation mark, you put a comma.

So, for your first paragraph, you’d start with;
Marlowe watched Tibs as he crept through the overgrown part of the graveyard. Are you sure we should be doing this, he asked.
Obviously, ‘Are you sure we should be doing this’ is a question, so then you have to insert a question mark into the sentence.

ie Marlowe watched Tibs as he crept through thr overgrown part of the graveyard. Are you sure we should be doing this? he asked.
(This bit seems irrational as you appear to have a question mark in the middle of a sentence, but it goes after ‘this’ rather than after ‘he asked’ as it indicates that the dialogue, only, was a question). So, the way that you indicate that this is dialogue, and therefore allowed a question mark at that point, is by adding quotation marks;

Marlowe watched Tibs as he crept through the overgrown part of the graveyard. “Are you sure we should be doing this?” he asked.
(By the way, it’s only question marks and exclamation marks that can take the place of a comma before 'he said' or 'she yelled' etc; never a full-stop. Quotation marks and exclamation marks are an exception and I’m sure that’s just so that you can get the intonation right as you read).

Next paragraph, the sentences are;
Tibs turned to him. I’m telling you. This is not to be missed!

Add quotation marks;
Tibs turned to him. “I’m telling you. This is not to be missed!”

Next;
What I mean is that it doesn’t seem right, that’s all, he said, as his partner in crime dived into a bush.
Add quotation marks;
“What I mean is that it doesn’t seem right, that’s all,” he said, as his partner in crime dived into a bush.

And;
Tibs pushed his round glasses up his nose. Ah ha, he said, leaping off and making towards one of the graves. This one is perfect! He beckoned Marlowe over.
So;
Tibs pushed his round glasses up his nose. “Ah ha!” he said, leaping off and making towards one of the graves. “This one is perfect!” He beckoned Marlowe over.

Another way of looking at it is that you only continue with small letters and commas where the bit out of quotation marks refers to the speech. ie where it’s ‘he said’ or ‘she argued’ or ‘laughed Fred’ or something. Where it’s something different eg ‘He turned to look at her’ or ‘The prince kicked at the ground moodily’ then it begins with a capital.

The one example you haven’t got in this first section is where ‘he said’ comes in the middle of dialogue, but if you still work on the ‘complete sentence’ rule, that works fine, too.
eg I’d have thought, he said crossly, that you’d have learnt by now.
becomes;
“I’d have thought,” he said, crossly, “that you’d have learnt by now.’
(To know you’re right about putting a comma after ‘crossly’ and a small letter for ‘that’, you just take out the non-dialogue part of the sentence. Then you get, ‘I’d have thought that you’d have learnt by now.’ This is obviously a single sentence, so ‘that’ has to have a small letter and therefore you use commas around ‘he said, crossly’).

Or; It’s dead isn’t it, queried Jack. It doesn’t seem to be breathing.
becomes,
“It’s dead isn’t it?” queried Jack. “It doesn’t seem to be breathing.”
(To check this, take out 'queried Jack'. You get; 'It's dead isn't it? It doesn't seem to be breathing.' These are two separate sentences, and 'queried Jack' applies to the first sentence, so there's a full-stop after Jack (finishing the first sentence) and the next sentence begins with a capital letter).

I hope this makes sense, but let me know if it doesn’t and I’ll try to explain it another way.

2) ‘in the centre its thick branches’
full-stop after ‘centre’

3) ‘in-between’
remove hyphen

4) ‘grave stone’
one word

5) ‘the cold stone gravestone’
I’d probably remove ‘stone’. It’s inherent in ‘gravestone’. You could say something like ‘moss-covered’ or ‘crumbling’ instead, if you wanted.
There should be a comma after ‘cold’

6) ‘A long high note sung out’
comma after ‘long’
‘sung’ should be ‘sang’

7) ‘a maggot, then he’
full-stop after ‘maggot’

8) ‘in a rock pool, he turned’
should be ‘in a rock pool. He turned’
or, ‘in a rock pool and turned’ (I think I prefer this second one)

9) ‘still moving the sound’
semi-colon after ‘moving’

10) ‘The peace of the bone yard’
Was this intentional or did you mean ‘graveyard’?

11) ‘a little, not again!’
full-stop after ‘little’
Try reading your manuscript aloud and feeling the pauses. The long ones are full-stops – smaller ones are commas. This just doesn’t sound right if you say ‘a little, not again’ all wrapped up into one quick thing, or even one with a short pause. It’s a comprehensive halt before ‘not again’, which adds that lovely emphasis to it.

12) ‘near death’
should be ‘near-death’

13) ‘Oh yeah the General, now’
should be ‘Oh, yeah, the General. Now’

14) ‘and hopes he’
‘hopes’ should be ‘hope’

15) ‘afterwards, I mean how’s that’
should be ‘afterwards. I mean, how’s that’
Anyway, I’m sure you get the idea. There aren’t too many places you get the full-stops and commas wrong, actually. You should be able to pick them up fairly easily.

16) ‘freak hole’
I’d hyphenate

17) ‘in thoughtful manner’
should be ‘in a thoughtful manner’

18) ‘back of head’
should be ‘back of the head’

19) ‘jollies that way” ’
full-stop after ‘way’

20) ‘as means to let young folk of Broadcliffs to get in touch.’
should be ‘as a means to let the young folk of Broadcliffs get in touch’ (3 changes)

21) ‘finger nail’
one word

22) ‘the barmy summer evening’
I think you mean ‘balmy’, as in ‘warm and calm’. ‘barmy’ means ‘crazy’.

23) ‘into the graveyard creaking the hinges’
comma after ‘graveyard’ (just not sure if you would pick this one up yourself, but all the others before this you should have got okay).

Great first chapter. We get an idea of the main protagonists, the place and the mystery very easily.

Ch 2

1) ‘the children and young humans’
Is there a difference between ‘children’ and ‘young humans’?

Ah! The plot thickens…

Ch 3

1) ‘from the beneath the duvet’
remove the first ‘the’

2) ‘hide away here from the Chinese government, in this dump of a town.’
Remove ‘here’. It makes the sentence awkward, and ‘in this dump of a town’ says the same thing – only better.

3) ‘It’s not my fault you haven’t got a life’
It sounds as though it is his fault, if what his mum says is true.

4) ‘people carriers’
hyphenate

5) ‘at kid sitting in a wheelchair’
should be ‘at a kid sitting in a wheelchair’

6) ‘I think Suzy Jenkins coming over’
should be ‘I think Suzy Jenkins is coming over’

7) ‘self appointed’
hyphen

Ch 4

1) ‘she just keep bouncing’
‘keep’ should be ‘kept’

2) ‘I’d given her the old’
should be ‘I’d have given her the old’

3) ‘his expression lightened slightly’
I think this would be better as, ‘his expression lightening slightly’

4) ‘it just about’
should be ‘it’s just about’

5) ‘take a butcher’s’ at these’
should be ‘take a butcher’s at these’

6) ‘Make you right’
I don’t recognise this expression. Did you mean, ‘Maybe you’re right’?

7) ‘both died some time about six months before her’
remove ‘some time’. ‘about six months’ says the same thing, but better.

8) ‘nasty puss fill pimples’
should be ‘nasty, pus-filled pimples’ (3 changes)

9) ‘massive blood lost through’
should be ‘massive blood loss through’ (otherwise it sounds as though it’s massive blood that’s lost, rather than massive amounts of blood that’s lost).

10) ‘and almost immediately wishing she hadn’t’
either remove ‘and’ or say ‘wished’ instead of ‘wishing’

11) ‘he was up’
should be ‘he was up to’


What a great read! Your writing is strong and clear, with good visualisation and dialogue and great characterisation. The story is compelling right from the very first sentence, with a good pace and an entertaining mystery. You are clearly very talented. Great work.

Sue

CHIRG REVIEW
Dead Letter Drop/ Sam FanfieldI finished ch five and your story moves at quite a pace. Of course this is to be expected when youngsters at school try to solve a mystery, especially a spooky one. I thought that your description of the note flying against the wall, the terrible noise that left as quickly as it started and black liquid pouring from the plaster where the knife was pulled out is well written and scary. The dialogue throughout is adapted to the type of story and helps me to get to know each character better. High stars for a well written story.
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

This is stellar! Really lots of fun, and it launches us fairly quickly into some pretty wild occurrences. The characterization is very clean and distinctive; I especially liked Eydie, and you give us enough details around the edges to give it some depth. High ratings on this one!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I've just read your first chapter again. I like the opening with the skeletal hand - it sets the tone and gives the story the right sense of mystery and spookiness. You have a strong set of characters here with distinct personalities, so that's great. You write well and your descriptive passages are brilliant. A few editorial mistakes; these can easily be cleared up.
I like the fact you explain Marlowe's presence within the group, but I want to know exactly what the Ratcatchers do. For me it's not clear enough. There are hints in the dialogue but the reader has to work hard to pick them out. Why are they called Ratcatchers? Anything to do with rats or not? Although some of this may be explained in


later chapters, if it is mentioned in the first chapter, I think it needs to be explained somehow. Or else leave for another chapter. It feels a little as if I have been plunged into a story where I've missed the beginning. I can't help feeling that you need to start with them finding the letter and filling in the back story a little later. . . These are only my thoughts and it might be good to get a range of feedback from different readers, to see what they think.
Good luck with it.
Julia

Thanks for taking a second look. Try the next chapter that I mentioned...

I've just read your first chapter again. I like the opening with the skeletal hand - it sets the tone and gives the story the right sense of mystery and spookiness. You have a strong set of characters here with distinct personalities, so that's great. You write well and your descriptive passages are brilliant. A few editorial mistakes; these can easily be cleared up.
I like the fact you explain Marlowe's presence within the group, but I want to know exactly what the Ratcatchers do. For me it's not clear enough. There are hints in the dialogue but the reader has to work hard to pick them out. Why are they called Ratcatchers? Anything to do with rats or not? Although some of this may be explained in later chapters, if it is mentioned in the first chapter, I think it needs to be explained somehow. Or else leave for another chapter. It feels a little as if I have been plunged into a story where I've missed the beginning. I can't help feeling that you need to start with them finding the letter and filling in the back story a little later. . . These are only my thoughts and it might be good to get a range of feedback from different readers, to see what they think.
Good luck with it.
Julia

Hello Sam,

As requested, I’ve given Ch 1 and 2 a re-read. I enjoyed this second look more than the first, I think. The opening is suitably mysterious, without being unsatisfying or misleading.

This time, I also liked the reminiscence of the previous occasions the kids had saved the “freak hole of a town.” I can see it serves the purpose of giving their friendship depth and the story some history - even if we don’t ‘see’ the events being played out.

Now, Ch 2 is entirely new, or at least it’s moved from a point I didn’t reach last time. I like the different perspective and again, the mention of an earlier event, this time the “Gingham Duvet Incident” adds a humorous and nicely bizarre touch. There is a comma missing in the first sentence of this chapter, after “If local legends are true”.

I also must mention to you that the book I recalled reading before was in fact called The Dead Letter Box, which although similar, is reassuringly not the same!

Lucy

Hi Sam read the first chapter and loved it. This is fantastic start and excellently written with fun, like-able characters up to mischief very Enid Blyton for me! Highly stared, Karen. Faking it in France.

This is a YARG review.

Dead Letter Drop

Your short pitch isn’t focused on the dead letter drop, which seems like a missed opportunity. Maybe you don’t want to give too much away? From the first chapter, I didn’t get the idea of the characters that I got from the long pitch, but I’ll see how they develop.

Ch 1

I wasn’t quite sure to begin with, but as soon as the friends looked at the note and realised that it had come from beyond the grave, I was hooked. What a good idea! It really is a dead letter drop.

You’ve got a few typos and other bits I’ve commented on. I hope you don’t mind.

“heat late afternoon.” Should this be “late afternoon heat”?

Its’ - This is never written like this. “It’s” means “it is” and “its” is the possessive. You probably know this though, and it’s just a typo.

Eydie is a great character - instantly likeable and sweet.

“famously good moods.” I think this would be better as “famous good moods.”

“pressed ganged” This should be “press-ganged”.

Nevertheless is written like this.

Some of the things they refer to make me wonder if there was a previous book. If not, perhaps they ought to be taken out to avoid confusion. The dead letter drop part of the story is so strong, any other part seems to muddy it a bit.

I like that the chapter is book-ended by descriptions of the weather.

Ch 2

Why would Marlowe’s mother want him to clean his teeth before breakfast? Then they’d just need doing again, so it seems like a waste of time.

For me, the description of the skateboard journey is a little long. It doesn’t give the impression that he completes it quickly at all!

Marlowe’s character is clearer in this chapter, and I enjoyed the description of the school bullies too. The pineapple with behavioural problems in particular.

Ch 3

“take a butcher’s’ at these” I think it should be like this - butcher’s -so you don’t need that last apostrophe.

This is shaping up well. I like the main mystery surrounding the murdered little Victorian girl and I like that the kids are going to try to help her. All three of them are better-rounded characters by the end of chapter three, although I wouldn’t have guessed that Eydie is a chav without having read your pitch. This is a cool story and I enjoyed what I read. I read a book with the same title when I was little - but that was a long time ago!

Highly starred.

Lucy

Hi Sam, this is a lovely well written piece that I have thoroughly enjoyed and highly stared. With best wishes to you, Karen Bates Faking it in France.

Dead Letter Drop...brilliant title. all sort ran to mind when I came across your book. very intriguing title

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

I really like what you have here! Enthusiastically backed! - Jolene

Thanks a lot for the backing, glad you liked it

all the best

sam

I really like what you have here! Enthusiastically backed! - Jolene

I am here for our reading swap and a YARG review as well! I have read the first two chapters and have now run out of time so need to stop.
You have an interesting, humorous idea for a story and a set of believable characters. I particularly liked your description of the escapades on the skate board - you described that very well and other parts of your descriptive narrative are very good as well. You obviously have a talent for this type of writing.
To be honest I did find the first chapter slightly confusing. You have started at an interesting point, which is good as it immediately makes the reader sit up and take note. However, a lot of back story is hinted at within the dialogue and I feel that there are almost too many question raised within a short space of time. You hint at dolls, letters and various other events from the past and it's a bit much for the reader to take on board. Could it be simplified a little?
The event with the bones of the hand seems significant but is lost amongst other detail.
The dialogue between the characters is generally good, but there are a few too many cliches and that can distract the reader.
As i've already said I enjoyed the second chapter description.
There are many good things about your writing and I think with a little more work and close editing, this could be a very good story. I will try and return and read more. Well done!
Highly starred.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Thanks for the input, I'm reworking the first chapter at the minute, hopefully it will sort out some of the issues you raised. I'm looking forward to reading your book, and will do a YARG review after I've finished a couple of chapters. Thanks again

sam

I am here for our reading swap and a YARG review as well! I have read the first two chapters and have now run out of time so need to stop.
You have an interesting, humorous idea for a story and a set of believable characters. I particularly liked your description of the escapades on the skate board - you described that very well and other parts of your descriptive narrative are very good as well. You obviously have a talent for this type of writing.
To be honest I did find the first chapter slightly confusing. You have started at an interesting point, which is good as it immediately makes the reader sit up and take note. However, a lot of back story is hinted at within the dialogue and I feel that there are almost too many question raised within a short space of time. You hint at dolls, letters and various other events from the past and it's a bit much for the reader to take on board. Could it be simplified a little?
The event with the bones of the hand seems significant but is lost amongst other detail.
The dialogue between the characters is generally good, but there are a few too many cliches and that can distract the reader.
As i've already said I enjoyed the second chapter description.
There are many good things about your writing and I think with a little more work and close editing, this could be a very good story. I will try and return and read more. Well done!
Highly starred.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

(YARG)
Sam, this is great!
I only had time for the first 2 chapters, but it is a great mix of humor, mystery and angst!
I noticed a few minor typos in ch1: Tibs pushes his round glases, should be pushed I think and the its' doesn't need the apostrophe.
I am looking forward to reading more!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

YARG Review

Hi there Sam,

here's some close commentary and my general comments are at the bottom. Overall a really good start but with work to be done. Get in touch if you don't understand any of the things I'm going on about.

Comments and corrections

OVERGROWN
Dome-like
“This one’s perfect!” He beckoned Marlowe over. (capital H as you’re not directly attributing speech)
Line of white stone the MARKS out the... – (I think as you’re talking of the line and not the stones the verb should be in third person. Marks not mark. )
I’m not sure how old the children are supposed to be but perhaps consecrated is not the most typical language for them, nor doubloons.
Just when he started to think that Tibs was just winding him up, he started to see the dirt move. It was almost nothing at first, a small blob of dirt shifted just to one side of the coin. Three justs, two starteds and two dirts in this sentence. I would put....
Just when he started to think that Tibs WAS winding him up, he SAW the dirt move. It was almost nothing at first, a small blob of EARTH shifted ON one side of the coin.
white, more like a maggot. Then – add the full stop
his surprise was smiling, and, with his head, gestured him to keep looking. (commas)
He instinctively jumped back. – full stop
Gotta be the governor,” = even by the end of the chapter I don’t understand what/who he means by this.
By the end of the grave / hand scene I’m still not sure of the age of the characters.
“So then, Tibs,” (add first comma) – and look at comma placement in general.
you got?” They wandered through the long grass. (delete AS start new sentence – They...)
“Wait a minute,” said Marlowe, looking shocked, “Not yet! I'd thought we'd decided to lay low for a bit, after all that nonsense with the General.” – I don’t understand what he’s reacting to. Is there something missing just before???
Who other than us IS looking out for the kids – who in abstract form is singular
“She’s right Marlowe, THERE’S no stopping for us. – contractions sound better in speech esp for children.
Said Tibs gravely. – full stop
Asked Marlowe. - Full stop – look out for these, there’s a few more
The scene with them telling their back story seems like too much narrative to introduce through dialogue alone. It also
“Ah, the old dead letter drop, (comma)” said Eydie, “one of my better ideas. Still we get a lot of strange stuff, explain.” – I don’t understand anything in this comment including dead letter drop. What is it?
“No way!” said Marlowe, = said not Said
“Call me old fashioned, but I agree with short stuff over there,” – Why old fashioned?
again, and find something OUT about her on the Internet?”
having the cold wind in the barmy evening seems to be a contradiction.

Ignoring the fact you’ve got to give this a thorough edit for typos, punctuation etc. It seems like you have the bones of an interesting story here. The opening and closing sections of the first chapter are great. I especially like the image of the grave which closes the chapter. The dialogue is often very nicely written with clear yet identifiably youthful voices.
However it being the first chapter I think you’ve got some work to do with the scene setting. Except for knowing they are two boys and a girl we receive no real details of the characters. What’s more as you’ve chosen to throw us in in the middle of action (this isn’t a sequel is it?) they seem to find it completely normal that there’s weird stuff going on which robs us of the chance to feel the same.
This is particularly apparent with the very nice opening when a skeletal hand is apparently re-animated and digs itself out of its grave. A great moment but it’s instantly forgotten by the two boys and we as readers are left without a clue of its significance.
There also seems to be some slight errors with the dialogue not connecting up between the characters. I think this is most likely because you’ve accidentally edited some sense out of the speech but it needs to be looked at – especially in the middle of the chapter.
By putting so much of the back story into dialogue you force your characters to speak in a way we rarely do – telling each other things they already know for our benefit.

I don’t want to come across as too critical. You clearly have a talent for creating nice imagery without making the language too complicated – an important talent for children’s writing. Your characters are intriguing and their speech – when I can follow it – is very believable. I’m simply left a little confused with what’s going on as the chapter currently stands. I will happily read another draft when you’ve got one done!
Best wishes
Benedict

Very well written , this moves along at a cracking pace and has an easy command of both character and milieu. I shall look forward to reading on , watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is all about Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

Thanks a lot for backing the book. A pirate book! I'm already there.
Sam

Very well written , this moves along at a cracking pace and has an easy command of both character and milieu. I shall look forward to reading on , watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is all about Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

YARG review

Sam, I dropped by to take a look at Dead Letter Drop and ended up reading the whole thing. This has good pacing, you build momentum well as the kids get closer to solving the mystery. You have a unique narrative voice, and the plot is interesting. It pulled me right along.

Your MS could use a heavy edit for grammatical errors. Mostly I caught missing or repeated words here and there, commas where they don't belong (reading aloud really helps in finding those), and quite often missing punctuation after a dialogue tag.

There were a few scenes which I thought didn't really further the plot. When Marlowe is writing lines and Tibs rescues him, the teacher sees them leaving together and makes note of it. This seemed like a loose end, as nothing ever really comes of it. I also didn't see the point of having Eydie beat up Suzie and her henchmen. It may work better closer to the tail incident, maybe while Marlowe still has the tail. Not sure about Fingus either, he shows up once and doesn't really further the plot at all. Is he part of the Rat Catchers? Then there is the conversation on the moors about Popeye and spinach. That felt like a poor bridge to get them from eating their rations to searching through the mist for the old mill.

Your characters are likable, but I'd like to see more of their relationships with each other, especially Marlowe, Tibs, and Eydie. Most of the time they are just trading banter, unless they are discussing the case, and even then their discussions are filled with jibes. I just didn't get a sense of their relationships. I think if you develop that a little more, it will be easier to connect to them. Also think about developing your side characters a little more, and give everyone their own unique voice when it comes to their dialogue and also when you are writing from each character's POV.

Another suggestion on POV–sometimes you switch POV within a scene, which is distracting and can be hard to follow. I'm thinking specifically about when Marlowe tells Suzie she's ugly, and he puts his face so close to hers, then all of a sudden he's so close Suzie can feel his breath on her cheek, when up until and immediately after that sentence we are in Marlowe's POV. Just something to watch for. Pick a character for each scene, and show us the scene from that POV. You can portray the other characters' reactions through their body language/facial expressions/dialogue, but show us through the single POV character's eyes.

Avoid cliches at all cost. Try to find some new way to say something.

I think this is an interesting story with a gripping plot, but could use some fleshing out as far as character development and relationships between the various characters. These comments are just my opinion, and I hope that you find something useful in what I've written.

Thanks a lot for the comments, and yes I do find them very helpful. This is of course is making me feel even more guilty at not having got back to finishing yours. Which has now shot up my very long to do list.
I'm glad you thought the plotting was sharp, and I'm going to have to have another long look at it, taking on board the errors and POV mistakes.
Thanks again for taking the time out to read it,

Sam

YARG review

Sam, I dropped by to take a look at Dead Letter Drop and ended up reading the whole thing. This has good pacing, you build momentum well as the kids get closer to solving the mystery. You have a unique narrative voice, and the plot is interesting. It pulled me right along.

Your MS could use a heavy edit for grammatical errors. Mostly I caught missing or repeated words here and there, commas where they don't belong (reading aloud really helps in finding those), and quite often missing punctuation after a dialogue tag.

There were a few scenes which I thought didn't really further the plot. When Marlowe is writing lines and Tibs rescues him, the teacher sees them leaving together and makes note of it. This seemed like a loose end, as nothing ever really comes of it. I also didn't see the point of having Eydie beat up Suzie and her henchmen. It may work better closer to the tail incident, maybe while Marlowe still has the tail. Not sure about Fingus either, he shows up once and doesn't really further the plot at all. Is he part of the Rat Catchers? Then there is the conversation on the moors about Popeye and spinach. That felt like a poor bridge to get them from eating their rations to searching through the mist for the old mill.

Your characters are likable, but I'd like to see more of their relationships with each other, especially Marlowe, Tibs, and Eydie. Most of the time they are just trading banter, unless they are discussing the case, and even then their discussions are filled with jibes. I just didn't get a sense of their relationships. I think if you develop that a little more, it will be easier to connect to them. Also think about developing your side characters a little more, and give everyone their own unique voice when it comes to their dialogue and also when you are writing from each character's POV.

Another suggestion on POV–sometimes you switch POV within a scene, which is distracting and can be hard to follow. I'm thinking specifically about when Marlowe tells Suzie she's ugly, and he puts his face so close to hers, then all of a sudden he's so close Suzie can feel his breath on her cheek, when up until and immediately after that sentence we are in Marlowe's POV. Just something to watch for. Pick a character for each scene, and show us the scene from that POV. You can portray the other characters' reactions through their body language/facial expressions/dialogue, but show us through the single POV character's eyes.

Avoid cliches at all cost. Try to find some new way to say something.

I think this is an interesting story with a gripping plot, but could use some fleshing out as far as character development and relationships between the various characters. These comments are just my opinion, and I hope that you find something useful in what I've written.

this is quite creative, a dark premise and there is something about it that makes the reader want to read. the book brings us in quickly. this is all good. the short pitch is confusing to me, tho. even though this is not my genre, i think this is well done and written with skill.
j
what every woman should know

Sam,

Here's hoping this finally gets through to you.

I think you have a wonderful flowing narrative that floats along at a really good pace, aided by some lovely description and a superb use of dialogue.

I think it's perfectly targeted as kids reading. Right choices of words and language.

However, the dialogue did not fell right 100% of the time. You do use a lot of the abbreviated phrases like "Could've" or "you'd". but sometime you leave the long version that feels less natural in the spoken form.
A prime example is one sentence: "You'd thought he would have used action figures..." a mix of short and long. from my perspective "would've" would have felt better ;-)

Spotted one other thing:
"ready?" He said a mischievious grin on his freckled face.
I think this needs a comma after "He Said,"

Best wishes
Warrick

Sam, this is a beautifully written, fast moving piece of work. There doesn't seem to be much (of this quality) out there for kids at the moment - so I think you are on to a winner!

Saying that, the story would appeal to a lot of adults I know...its certainly got me gripped.

Well done mate. (6 stars)

Thanks a lot for the comment, if you finish it I would love to hear what you think about it.

Sam, this is a beautifully written, fast moving piece of work. There doesn't seem to be much (of this quality) out there for kids at the moment - so I think you are on to a winner!

Saying that, the story would appeal to a lot of adults I know...its certainly got me gripped.

Well done mate. (6 stars)

Sam,

This is good, REALLY good! I think you’ve pitched the children’s / YA audience just right; a secret team of mates, ghosts, scary monsters and happenings, but all with a comical edge. Really creepy first chapter. I like the way that ‘the hand’ seems so completely random, and you can’t understand why Tibs would be so nonplus about it—until the end where it becomes apparent that a skeletal hand is nothing compared to what they normally deal with; cleverly done. From here I went on to read through chapter 4. Love the skateboard action sequence :) The characters and interaction is very lifelike and believable. The MS has great pace and the plot develops rapidly, there’s definitely a lot going on. This brought back memories of the walk home from school, eagerly anticipating the evening’s tele’, and I can’t shake the feeling that it would make a great children’s TV series (maybe just before the watershed).

Crit wise; I’d struggle to fault it, no typo’s that I saw, well constructed and edited; just... perfect. I did notice the last para of CH04 has an extra break after ‘...breaking morning’ - but that’s it! I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this quickly makes the ED (with the right level of promotion), just make sure it gets reads through swaps and maybe join a crit group on the forum if you haven’t already.

Very impressive - Max stars, and WL’d

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Chapter one - This is brilliant so far, really drew me in from the start. I feel like I've missed something though, are there other books you've written?

Glad you are enjoying it, hope of the rest of the book doesn't let you down. It is the first book, the idea being to try and hit the ground running. I also wanted to write a series that could be picked up at any point, and followed without having read previous stories. That said the themes and plot lines will pass between books.
The origin story is kinda complex, and I know this in contradicting what I previously said, but I planned it out to be a mini trilogy.
I would love to hear what you think of it, and if you like it, please add it to your bookshelf.

Chapter one - This is brilliant so far, really drew me in from the start. I feel like I've missed something though, are there other books you've written?

Interesting premise Sam. On the w/l, will read as soon as I can, best of luck.

Jack

Hey, this is fun! Witty, weird and with an appealing bunch of well-drawn, eccentric characters. Would that this kind of story had been around when I was eleven. I'm half way through but must stop to feed my pet hot water bottle. Will return later to catch up on the rest. Highly starred - Frances K