Rosalia

HFRG Review: Rosalia by Hannah Gridley

For the past few days--in every spare moment--I've been reading this story, and can't wait to get back to it. There are several things I love about it:

- The authentic voice. It's easy to tell you've done your research on the manner of late Victorian speech and manners of address, and yet I never once got mired down in the more formal terminology you wield so well. Rosalia feels like a window into late 19th century America. Although you actually describe very little about the setting of the town, house, business, etc., the settings were somehow rich and detailed; you have a way of allowing your reader's imagination to create the settings.

- The storytelling itself. Although I'm only four chapters in, I appreciate how you unfold the story, and the characters themselves. Having your characters in relative anonymity and gradually introducing them made me more attached to them from the outset; since I didn't have names yet, I was more aware of what they were doing as I anticipated knowing who they were. And still you're revealing them layer by layer, going deeper into Rosalia's father (I won't reveal his name here, lol) while adding depth to Rosalia herself. I'm very curious to know, especially from your synopsis, what's going to happen next. So I suppose in stating this I'm saying that I enjoy the pacing, which seems at once graceful and quick.

- The polished quality. I'm not great at finding grammatical errors (especially when I'm so engrossed in the story), but nothing leaped out at me as a glaring error. Aside from one missing word I found in chapter 4 autho (the para beginning "Rosalia spent the afternoon..." the final sentence says "what was going happen"), I couldn't find a thing that should change.

I'm so glad this was the first one on my list. I'll be reading much further as I have more time, which I regret not having enough to just sit with a cup of coffee and enjoy this.

~ Shelley

Hi, there – this is your CCRG return review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I set out to crit and I’m just reading along, several paragraphs into the second page.

I thought the receipt of the wife’s letter was at once too wordy and not informative enough. Perhaps we could have a clue that he hoped to settle a problem they were having when he arrived home…and instead found a letter that told him she’d found another way. Something like that.

There’s a town in Eastern Washington called Rosalia, pronounced like your heroine. Ro-SAHL-ya. In fact, I’ve never heard it said any other way.

I have a well-known pet peeve for verbs of being. You use a lot of them. “Those tears were about to spill…” “Her chin was trembling…” “This was one of the few things…” “There was also a diary…” They aren’t wrong, just, in my opinion, too plentiful.

I don’t think ‘okay’ was in the vernacular at the time of this story. Or was it?

In the scene where Rosalia saves her father from the fire, there’s quite a lot of repetition that could possibly be edited down a bit.

They are headed to New England but then you mention Philadelphia, New York, and Baltimore, not of which is in New England.

I imagine this is probably a feature of the genre, but I continue to have the feeling I’m reading more words than are needed to convey meaning. But I’m at the start of chapter 8, so clearly there’s something I like going on here!

Wishing you all the best with this!

~AudreyB
Steadfast

Hello Hannah...I read the new uploaded 4 chapters. They carry the story along well. I especially like how you vary the pace of the story, introducing new characters and expanding on the relationships already formed. There are page-turning periods in the book that have suspense, and although the dangers are still out there lurking, you slow down the pace to allow for some very nice sections that reveal characters I like immensely.

One of the oddities of this otherwise positive Authonomy environment is that a book of this quality would seemingly be unknown at this point, with few backers. The 5-book bookshelf is like the freeway system in Los Angeles...not enough lanes for all of the peak traffic. I probably have 25-30 books I would like to place on my bookshelf. Rosalia is a very good story, with interesting characters, well written, and with some great Christian themes. I hope more people read it soon. God bless you. Bart Jahn

Hannah, What a story. I loved this and can see it doing well. You tell a lovely story and engage the characters at the right time and in the right way. You mix the flow of the story telling in such a way that even though it feels like a slow pace it isnt and it suits the theme of the book. Well told, brilliant tale, deep in parts, heart felt in others. I loved it so much. Big score.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R). Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Rosalia
Historical Fiction Review -

I read Chapters 1-6 of this dear, enchanting story about William Thornton and his daughter Rosalia. After his wife leaves him, William raises his daughter alone, and becomes wealthy after many years. They live in a large house, with servants, and that is when strange things begin. Someone steals William's money from his bank account, leaving him with nothing. He is forced to leave town and dismiss his servants because he cannot continue. William does not ask for any loan to continue his work because he doesn't believe in debt. Meanwhile, his competitor approaches him and wants to buy his business. They make an arrangement for the money to be received in two installments. During this time, an intruder enters William's bedroom at night and leaves disturbing messages. After the third message, the house is set on fire and William and his daughter escape just in time. Hints that the intruder is the butler appear twice - when William checks the servants quarters and finds the butler up in the early morning, and when Rosalia sees the shadow of a man in the hallway with the gait of the butler. But he is not caught.

Suggestions/Nitpicks:

The first chapter felt like it could have been worked into the story, although it did not deter from it. Questions arose in my mind as I read it. Why did his wife leave him and her baby daughter? I had hoped that over time, I would find out, but the mystery remained.

When the funds were stolen from Wiliam's account, I was wondering why he didn't go after the embezzler? Someone did a wrong to him, and William just took it. That didn't sit well with me.

Also, the intruder entering William's bedroom started alarm bells in my mind and raised some ideas: William could have questioned the servants. He also could have slept in another part of the room (placed pillows underneath the bedcover and sat in a dark corner, waiting for the intruder). Instead, he let the light on, but it didn't seem to help. Also, William could have enlisted the help of the police in this matter.

When the fire took place, I wondered what happened to the servants? I felt as if William and his daughter were the only people in the burning house.

Ch. 4 - "I would be willing sell the business to you.." should be "I would be willing to sell the business to you.."
Ch. 5 - "His began to read at Psalm.." should be "He began to read at Psalm.."

Overall a very intriguing story. Highly starred and on my WL to read later.

Best,
Patty
The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

Hello Hannah...this is my CCRG review of Rosalia, written by Hannah Gridley.

First, I read the entire uploaded incomplete book. Hannah is another of the very talented Christian fiction writers I have happily discovered in Authonomy. Rosalia has a page-turning storyline having very interesting characters, danger, adventure, and suspense, but also some very good introspective sections that develop the characters more fully within the interesting time period of late 19th century America and England. The discussions of Christianity between some of the characters spread throughout the story are first-rate and very natural. Hannah has done a very good job of creating examples in a few of the main characters of very fine Christian people in a variety of normal everyday social settings, but also showing courageous quick-thinking in some split-second challenges of life-and-death, cloak-and-dagger type situations.

This is a polished and professional piece of writing, that held my interest throughout. I would like to buy it someday in print form to see how all of these hidden intrigues, relationships, and destinies work themselves out. On my bookshelf off-and-on for the coming months until I can find a permanent spot for it. Would highly recommend it to everyone in the CLF and CCRG. God bless you. Bart Jahn

Hello Hannah...excellent writing. I am on chapter 10. Chapter 8 (Authonomy 8) really picks up the pace...like the ending to the first movement of Tschaikowsky's violin concerto (winks). The second movement starts with chapter 9 and a new beginning in England. This is developing into a rip-roaring great tale. Bart

Hello Hannah...I have read the first 5 chapters. This is shaping up to be a very interesting book. I will probably take my time in finishing the book...a chapter or two at a time...and then do a CCRG review. Your writing is very good...the characters are well developed...and the plot has an element of intrigue that should provide the opportunity for twists and turns as the story develops. Very tight and well-written. God bless, Bart Jahn.

Hannah,
Mystery and intrigue plague Rosalia's father, an unpright man, also God-fearing, who wants to live a quiet life with his daughter. Apparently abandoned by his wife when his daughter was an infant, he seems marked for tragedy and hardship, and a stranger in the night threatening his life seems to prove that point. This tale of dogged faith and determination to overcome all odds, is certainly a testamernt to the durability of the human spirit. Your narrative while intricate is simply written and easy to follow. Thank you so much for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is a lovely story! I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to have read your first 17 chapters and I look forward to finishing when the book is published. I see below that many suggestions have been made, and I wish I could offer you some myself, but I saw no flaws in your work and found it to be as good as many published books that I've read. The only thing I noticed was that sometimes your dialogue was a bit stilted ("I am" rather than "I'm" or "I shall" rather than "I'll") but I suspect this is appropriate for the time period in which you wrote and I'm not sure that I'd change any of it.

I think William Thornton and his daughter, Rosalia, are both very well developed characters. I admired the father's fortitude and faith in God which you brought into the story in a very natural and authentic way - beautifully done - and Rosalia was a brave and admirable young woman.

Your cameo's fit into your story well and I wondered why you separated them out as "cameos" as they seemed to simply be part of your story. The first cameo took place in July, 1882, in New Mexico territory whe William, age 25, gets off the train and goes home to his wife, Elena, and baby daughter, Rosalia. Only Elena is no longer at home and Rosalia is just 3 months old. William is devasted, but immediately bonds with his baby daughter.

In cameo two, William works hard panning for gold while he keeps his baby daughter with him in a tent nearby. He realizes, though, that his panning does not provide sufficient income. In cameo 3, Oct., 1882, William heads to North Dakota territory and begins to farm. While there, in cameo 4, he is offered a teaching job for the winter months while still farming durig the spring, summer, and fall.

Chapter one begins your actual story and William, now the owner of a thriving bookkeeping business is attacked by an "enemy." The enemy embezzles all of Williams's moey and leaves William not only in poverty but also in debt. William and Rosalie, now 16 years old, must sell the house and the furnishings, Rosalie has to quit school, and William must find a new job.

Soon, however, the danger and mystery begin to build as William continues to find threatening notes attached to his pillow with a dagger. They are evidently left there during the night, while William sleeps, by a dark, shadowy figure. The figure, whom Rosalie thinks is the butler, finally burns William's house down and almost kills William although he's rescued by Rosalie.

Rosalie and William then flee to New York but soon find out they are being followed and watched by the enemy, so they escape on a ship to England under false names. Rosalie makes a good friend on the ship, Amy Britwood and William meets Mr. Randall Taylor who hires William as a bookkeeper. It's not too long, though, before William and Rosalie return to America.

I was really captivated by your story and perhaps that's why I've no corrections nor suggestions to make. I see some reviewers object to the coincidence of William and Rosalie overhearing the conversation in New York, but I didn't have any problem with that. I liked the way you began your story very much although I wouldn't separate the scenes out as "cameos". The young man arriving home to find his wife gone and a baby girl left behind immediately captured my attention and held it through the rest of the story and I think you progressed on into your story very smoothly. I like your plot and the way you tell your story.

I wish I could offer some "constructive criticisms" but I really have none to offer. If the rest of your book is written as smoothly and with as much skill as the first 17 chapters, this reader is ready to obtain a published copy, so you have my very best wishes for publication and I'd like to know when copies are available so I can purchase one. Lovely work. You are a very talented, skilled writer.

Prayers for your success,
Patricia

Hi Hannah, here are some thoughts on chapter 13 "Back Home".

"Of course they had no idea that........." This sounds bad... It makes me wonder why Rosalia and Mr. Thornton don't get to know this, but we do. If your story follows other characters more, I can understand it... So I dunno. I can't say "take it out", but I'll still put up a warning flag here. I generally don't like the reader being knowledgeable about something the protagonist is unaware of... Its kind of like 1980s horror movies, when you'd see the killer coming with the knife - not very scary because you see exactly where he is. What's scarier is being in the house with the protagonist, not knowing what that clawing sound is outside, and then hearing scuffling sounds in the other room. This kind of chapter is more the "killer with the knife" than "in the house with the protagonist." So think about it. If you can figure out another way to do it, I'd suggest trying it another way and seeing if that works better. But that's something that can always wait. Again, I'd advise you NOT to try to make the older chapters perfect before continuing your story, because you'll never finish your book. You just have to keep writing, then come back when you are all done and see how you can improve parts like this.

Anyway, moving on... (sorry to begin the review with such a hostile beginning!! I'll try to be nice!)

1st paragraph (lol!), "second child was.... a second healthy boy." Maybe delete the first child, so you don't have two child's in the paragraph?

1st paragraph (still!) "tiny fellow ........ little fellow." Two fellows! I'd get rid of the second one, or change it to a different word.

"deserted property where his friend once lived." I'd end the sentence with deserted property, and cut out the "where his friend once lived."

"acres that belonged to Thornton." ... Get rid of "that belonged to Thornton." You don't need to keep repeating that this is Thornton's property. We got that.

(it is a good thing for us that Thornton was so careful in his records) ..... NO PARENTHESES!!!! Especially in dialogue! That's definitely a pet peeve of mine. No parentheses, ever, in dialogue.

"overlooking his behaviour" ... Whoa! UK spelling! Hannah Gridley, you call yourself an American!?

"to be reduced to ashes in ONLY A FEW HOUR..." hours? or "only an hour"?

"some reason for his behaviour?" .......... Hannah............. UK spelling again?

All in all a good chapter. I just don't like that "Little did they know...." thing that begins the chapter.

---

Shaun Holt
German Derelict / Waiting for the Rain

Hiya, Hannah. Here are some remarks on chapter 12 "Religion and Friendship" ...

You have two "scooped up"s....

"scooped up Albert suddenly" and "laughing as she scooped her up."

Near the end, "Amy said, defiantly." I'd get rid of that part, because its obvious in the dialogue that Amy is being defiant. You know what I mean? "Please don't keep trying to convert me, Mr. Alden!" is a better way to end it than, "Amy said, defiantly." If you feel like you have to attribute the dialogue to Amy (although I think its fairly obvious), you can have something like, "No, I'm not," said Amy as she ____________. "I prefer my friends in the flesh......" And just fill in whatever description you want. "said Amy as she dropped her spoon in her bowl, making a clattering sound." "said Amy as she ... whatever. Main thing I'd say is to remove that, "Amy said, defiantly" part.

Other than that, the chapter is fine. Two scooped's, and an unnecessary "Amy said, defiantly" is all I could take issue with.

-- Shaun Holt --
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict

Rosalia by Hannah Gridley.
I read this book a while back, but I see that you have added the preface which adds so much more to the story. It adds the a new tone to it.
The book has a new layer of polish to it.
I really like your MC personality. She has a beautiful personality and her portrayed is very vivid. She comes to life right away to the reader.
The plot of the story is very thrilling with amazing twist and turns to it along the way.
I saw no flaws to it.
Grand work.

Shelby Z./Driving WInds

Hannah, What a wonderful story you have here. I had meant to get to this much sooner. I am now at chapter 7 and enjoying it all very much. You have many strengths as a writer. For one, you write with great clarity which is something I always love. Strong, evocative writing, expressed in concise sentences. You do wonderfully in characterization as well. I love the storyline and the emotion expressed in the story which comes across well through the characters in your story. I love the power of faith in Christ expressed in the story to such a depth as to minister such hope to the readers. The father and the daughter have such a strong bond between them and belief in God's provision despite all that has or can happen in life. Also you show talent as a suspense writer, as this turns out to be quite a challenging mystery as well. You've certainly been blessed with talent, my friend. I wish you all the best, julie

ROSALIA
Chapter 9 & 10. The trip to England. And everything seems to be going well; this is a nice break for your characters and reader from all the trouble they’ve had.
Chapter 11-13.Amy is making friends and settling into English society. Then John appears. And really riles her up. Good chapter because you’re beginning to introduce tension again. Although I’m anxious to get back to the mystery of what happened to Thornton’s money or why the house burnt.
Chapter 14. And this chapter goes back to the states and people worrying about the fire. Just what I wanted. A good contrast between the threat of Rawlins and the seemingly safe environment of Amy. Lets a reader know she won’t be safe that much longer. Thanks for posting this. You’ve a good start for an interesting story.

ROSALIA
HFRG: I made a general comment on this before. Am back to read more of it.
Chapter 1. The cameo of the unnamed man and how he became a school teacher. One question: what did he work at before his wife left him? You said he was a soldier but did he have any education? And I know you caution a reader in the beginning there are going to be these unnamed cameos throughout the book, but I’m wondering if you want to begin with one? It’s really hard to identify with people who don’t have names or ages. Because of this, your reader is going to skin this first chapter; is that the best way to “hook” your reader?
Chapter 2. Thornton learns about the embezzlement. Wow. Imagine a bank today writing a letter like that; just shrugging off a loss like that as if they weren’t at fault. A good way to show this is not 2012. Also: this chapter feels “dialogue heavy”. Notice how your characters always speak in full grammatically correct sentences? I know people were much more formal in the 1800s, but do you think they spoke so formally with people close to them (and this father and daughter are very close)? A mall thing: how old is Rosalia here?
Chapter 3. An in-depth look at Rosalia (and tells your reader she is 16). Is there a way to slip that into Chapter 2 as well? This is a good chapter; brings Rosalia to life; makes a reader want to know more if she will be strong enough to face future problems as confidently as she thinks she can. And something from the last chapter that now gives me pause: you mention there that future schooling will be a problem, but did many girls go to school beyond 16 years in 1898?
Chapter 4. The mysterious note – and then a mysterious stranger - and then a threatening dagger. Good plotting; adds another dimension to the story. And is making me wonder if Rawlins is also the embezzler.
Chapter 5. Wow. This mysterious stranger is nervy; coming and going as he pleases. I’m guessing he’s not the Butler (does the Butler really ever do it?) but I’m at a loss to know who he can be. Also: is there a reason Thornton doesn’t call the police? Isn’t he concerned the intruder might kill Rosalia as well? Or didn’t cities have organized police forces in the 1800s?
Chapter 6. The fire. Good chapter, but a couple things strike me as odd. Would Rosalia really be so concerned about her father wearing shoes? The room they’re in is on fire; growing worse every minute because she opened the window. Would she really go back to her room and get dressed? Once outside, the first thing they think about doing is getting dressed; I know people in the 1800s were more modest than today, but getting dressed doesn’t strike me as what should be their first priority. Also: is there no fire department in this town? What about their neighbors? Haven’t they come out of their houses to watch the fire? Began bringing water? Including those details would make this read as “more real” and also accent the contrast between the 1800s and today.
Chapter 7. Thornton and Rosalia take the first train out of town. Thornton says here he has money because he sold the house. But the house is in ruins; surely he doesn’t expect Bakersfield to feel he got a fair deal and not ask for his money back. And again, if Rosalia saw the Butler running down the hallway, no thought of talking to the police? I think you need to give some explanation why they don’t ask for help (maybe he had a bad run-in with police when he was young? Some reason he doesn’t trust them?)
Chapter 8. The conversation n the restaurant. It seems a little too convenient that out of all the restaurants in the world, the Butler would pick out the same one in which to eat, but okay, could have happened (and shows how wrong I was about the Butler). But now Thornton and Rosalia are on a ship sailing to England. What if the Butler is also on the ship? They’re trapped worse than if they’d stayed on land. And who can this strange enemy be? I have to stop here to fix breakfast for a family but will be back tomorrow to finish this. It’s a good read.

Hiya Hannah, here are some thoughts on chapter 11 “settling in”.

Since you have Rosalia saying she looked the houses over so that Thornton wouldn’t waste his time looking at the bad ones or overly-expensive ones, I don’t think you need to say that in the first paragraph. You know what I mean? You describe it in the first paragraph “so that he need not waste time” and then a few paragraphs later Rosalia says “so you wouldn’t be wasting time”. You only need to say it once, and I thought that first paragraph carried on a bit too long anyway. So I’d remove “so that he need not waste time on those too expensive or otherwise unsuitable when looking on Saturday” from the first paragraph.

In the last paragraph of that little scene, when his praise makes her effort worth it, what about changing the final word “thanks” to “appreciation”? I think “appreciation” has a little more endearing of a meaning than “thanks”.

A few paragraphs into the new house, you mention “high praise, and Rosalia flushed with pleasure.” That’s the second time you’ve said just about the identical thing in this chapter. Remember earlier? “Rosalia flushed with pleasure. Few things were so gratifying to her as earning her father’s praise.” I understand it’s a running theme – she enjoys making her father happy, and is doing very well in that regard, but you want to guard against repetition. If you could maybe say it in a different way, about how the praise, or perhaps seeing her father smile, drives her to one-up herself and do something even more considerate for her father? But you want to guard against twice saying she flushed with pleasure at receiving her father’s praise.

“for she had never seen any of her mother’s work…” I’m not sure you need any of that. You could just have Rosalia asking if Thornton still has anything his wife made. The implication is that Rosalia doesn’t know of her mother’s needlework.

“I had never left once left you…” hehehe that sounds like a mistake I’d make.

“she exclaimed, softly.” Now I know this is something of a trademark in your writing (“she said, happily”, “he replied, cheerfully”, etc.)… But how do you EXCLAIM something SOFTLY?

And I wouldn’t have him nodding right after she says her mother sewed a lot better than she (Rosalia) does… Because that’s kind of like he’s saying, “Yep, you’re not as good as your mother.”

Suggestion: I would’ve have, “The next few months went by very quickly” in the middle of the chapter. I’d either a) make the previous chapter really short as a breather chapter (my name for them) b) Add a little more detail about their new house, maybe more on Rosalia’s search for a good house c) Add a break between those sections. Just don’t have one paragraph be June (for instance) and the next one is September. If you have a couple lines break, though, at least there will be something indicating the passage of time. You also have SIX “had’s” in that paragraph. Watch your had’s. Far too many, especially around this part of the chapter.

“Amy Britwood came to visit…” That paragraph has two “spent’s”, one “stayed” and one “staying”. You may want to re-write it a bit.

Question (which you don’t actually have to answer)… Rosalia says Thornton spoke Latin to her for all her life… Are there any occasions in the earlier chapters where we see him speaking Latin to her? Or using Latin phrases? That would help make Rosalia’s statement real.


--- Shaun Holt ---
Waiting for the Rain

ROSALIA
Thank heavens for credit card protection; keeps our money from being stolen this way. I know you explain at the beginning you’re going to include some cameos without character names so I wasn’t surprised to see the story beginning this way, but I’m wondering if it adds to the story. It delayed letting me get to know William until the next chapter because nameless, he also seemed a little vague and made me believe he probably was a minor, not a major character. Notice how much warmer he is in the next chapter when he has a name and is much more fleshed out. Either way, this is a good story. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

this is a marketable book suitable for its genre. it is solid in all areas, and easy to read. i am a keen fan of historical fiction so this works well for me...
j
what every woman should know

Hello Hannah G, here’s another chapter review. This time it’s chapter ten, “New Friends.”

My first thought, I wonder if it’d be a better idea to actually stop referring to her as Rosalia? The reason I suggest it is because I still picture people calling her by her name. It’s not so much a shock to me, because she’s still same-ol’ Rosalia to me. I know this might be a tremendously difficult thing to change, but I think it may unsettle the reader more (in a good way, I hope). You know what I mean? Every time I see her false name, it’d remind me how greatly her life has changed because of the Enemy. I also suggest it because I don’t even remember her false name.

I like how you describe Ellen’s laugh. “A happy, birdlike trill.”

You use parentheses… (maybe a year or two older) … I guess parentheses in fiction is one of my pet peeves. It just doesn’t look right.

Oooh, Felicity Lawrence….. I knew that. … I just forgot it is all.

Hmm… When Rosalia meets Mrs. Vincent, they start talking, but I don’t know if they’re still in the hall or in the house, or what. For instance, after she says, “You’ll find it very different than America.” Then maybe have a sentence or two where she says something like, “I’m sorry, do come in!” And then have two or three sentences describing the room. Try to be unique too. What’s it smell like? Cat pee? Fresh bread? Stuffy? Like scented oils or candles? Is it large or small? Is the ceiling low? (For some reason I picture many English houses with low ceilings). Then as Rosalia is eyeing the place, Mrs. Vincent asks, “Did you come from one of the large cities in the east?”

“almost as though she had been lying.” I don’t think that part is really necessary. The next sentence makes it clear enough why Rosalia feels guilty.

(Pardon me, please have a seat) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get rid of the parentheses! ….. Unless that’s your style. If it is, then I’m sorry for suggesting it.

“theological school in America.” What about “seminary”??? Either could work I suppose.

Okay, and that's chapter 10. I like this chapter. There is not much to change, except those couple things I pointed out (delicately suggested). I want to see "Rosalia - the movie". For whatever reason, when I read or write, I always try to picture watching the movie. That's why I sometimes ask for more character description, because I don't know if the character looks like Margaret Thatcher or Nancy Pelosi.

I'm curious how you'll have the Enemy show up. I haven't read your "cameos" that you included in the start of the book, but I don't like that idea. And I've seen a few comments from people saying they dislike it. You should start the book, immediately, with Rosalia and William Thornton, not "cameos".

If you REALLY have to include those parts (i.e. you can't work them into the story), then I'd suggest you have a chapter on the backstory. Not to begin the book though, because that'd be boring. I hate backstory to begin a book. But for instance, chapter 11 could be William Thornton age 25. That'd be 1) a good change of pace 2) it'd pull me in 3) I know enough about the present-day Thornton, so it'd be exciting to catch a glimpse of hiim when he was younger. .... But if you open the book with these cameos, odds are I won't really care about the 25-year-old William Thornton --- I want to get straight to the present-day one. You know what I mean? At this point, I care enough about William to get some backstory. In chapter one, I DON'T care enough to read it. But now, chapter 9, chapter 10, chapter 11, whichever you prefer, now would be a good time to give the reader some backstory. For instance, it'd be interesting to have a chapter about William Thornton as a child in England, and then cut back to the present day, where Thornton arrives with his daughter. Just a suggestion.

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict / Columbian Death

Hi, Hannah. Here are just a few comments on chapter nine, “Interval of Hope.”

Paragraph three, “a God Who had created the world.” Did you mean to capitalize ‘who’?

“closed Amy’s ears to her words forever.” What about, “closed her ears forever.” ??? Small issue. Read it both ways and see which way you like more.

“she exclaimed, brightly.” I’d take that part out. But I’ve seen enough of your writing now to see that is kind of your style. So if you want to keep it, keep it. If you need to trim the word count, you can do without that part.

I wish I had more to say, but that's it for that chapter. At this point, I am beginning to wonder what this story is actually about... The last few chapters (on the train, on the ship, and this chapter) have been relatively slow. Something needs to happen real soon to shake things up. I read a good analogy in a writing aide book asking why is it easy to fall asleep on a train? Because there's constant movement, right? The wheels go clang clang clang clang the whole trip. The car rocks back and forth. It's very constant. It's like listening to a fan or a ticking clock to put you to sleep. ..... You DONT want to do that with books, or else you'll put your reader to sleep. You need to shake things up. Jerk them around. Bring them to a sudden halt. Take them around a turn at break-neck speeds.

At this point, as a reader, I am ready for something new to happen. I don't men to say the previous chapters were bad. They were more or less breather chapters (I have a few in "Waiting"), and important stuff does happen (such as moving to England, meeting Amy, etc). But if the next chapter is another slow chapter, you probably need to trim a chapter or risk losing the reader's interest. But I haven't read the next chapter yet, so I can't say how it is. If I recall from browsing through the later chapters, I was pretty sure I saw what looked like some action. So I may be telling you stuff you already know. The next chapter might blow me away, for all I know. I just want you to know that, at this point, I've caught my breath, and I'm ready for that turn at break-neck speeds.

Dear Hannah, Have just read the cameos. They are very good, but I do have to agree with those who have recommended scattering them appropriately throughout the MS

Cameo 1. The Father; 1882 New Mexico Territory
"...but the shirt under the sootied..." -- should be "sooty".
"...it boasted five rooms, luxury..." think this should be "luxurious"
In the scene with the note you do not indicate why his wife left, will that be part of the plot?
"He paced back..."by his baby's cradle." Excellent depiction of total and absolute grief, mingled with confusion and love.
"...straining her close..." --- Think this would be better as "...holding her close..."

September 1882; Colorado Gold Country
"...something would steal his child also if..." -- suggest delete "also"
"Now,...She was even...her own already." --- This last sentence implies a list of things the baby can do, now (or already), but you don't have such a list here. Suggest your re-word as: "Now, three months...chubby and rosy. She was even sitting up on her own, though she was still too young to realize the loss of her mother."
"...the camp was a basic enough one,..." ---- suggest delete "enough"

Cameo 2
June/July 1883 Italy
"There was a spare room...besides the living room." ---- Do you mean that the rooms were "beside" each other? "Besides" means "instead of". Better perhaps to change the first "besides" to "next to".
"...children's nursery..." ---- should be "...childrens' nursery..." ---- there is more than one child using it.
"...there was no clutter lying around,..." ---- suggest delete "lying around".

Very good "start", and though I still think they should be scattered throughout the MS in their appropriate places, the cameos indicate a good plot, so far as they go. 4 stars, so far.

Best of luck, and God bless,
kiddies, a reader

What a compelling read. I read four chapters so far and truly enjoyed the story. Not sure you need the cameos at the beginning. I do agree with Paul that you should try to work them into your story.
Your characters are well developed and I felt like I could picture them.
You have the natural ability to put the readers right into the scenes and keep them hooked.
For now I will keep you on my WL until I read more.
Highly stared. Nice work:)
Elke
'Ella In Between'

Hey

just wanted to say this is really good. I will definitely be reading on. Oh the poor Countess, and seeing the baby murdered....horrible, horrible! I fell staright into this book with ease, Like the chosen vocab to convey imagery, lots of good hooks, and leading possibilities for the characters' fate. Will let you know more when I have read on. Wl, 6 stare, and will back you.

All the best, Lee

Okay, Hannah… Chapter eight, “Voyage to England.”

I was about to call you “Rosalia”! … Second paragraph, “As you know, I was born and raised in England.” By now, you should know what I dislike about that part!!!

“I’m safe as a locked safe.” I like that line. I like Amy Britwood so far. And I like how Rosalia accidentally gives her real name. You do not describe Amy’s appearance at all.

“She asked after his family.” Do you mean “about his family”?

Okay, not a whole lot more to say. Sorry I don’t have three full pages of comments. I would go on to the next chapter --- but I’m a slow reader. Instead, I’ll edit some of “Waiting” and try to get ahead of you. But you don’t want to hear about my book. You want to hear about your book! … So… I like that this is another ‘slow’ chapter. I like that you introduced a couple new characters – Amy and Mr. Taylor. I LOVE new characters, because you never know (as a reader) who you’ll like, who you’ll root for, who will make you mad, etc. You wonder if this person will be an ally or an enemy. You wonder what they’ll contribute to the story. And you wonder if they are a short-term character, i.e. if you pretty much just see Amy on the ship to England, or if she is a very important character for the rest of the book. So I like this chapter. I think there is relatively little to edit/refine here. Maybe add some description for Amy and Mr. Taylor. You might’ve saved some of it for the later chapters, but we need to know SOMETHING about them here. Hair color. Eye color. Maybe their height. Or their traits. Does Amy sleep an awkward way? Does she have a bouncy gait? Are her motions jerky, or fluid? Does she have a high-pitched voice, or is her voice very soft (like…. What’s-her-name……. Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter... I love her voice). That's it really. Just add some more character description. Probably a paragraph, at most, will do the task just fine.

All the best,

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / The Trevor Knight series

Okay, chapter seven, “Overheard in a Café.”

The first thing that jumps out at me is how you start this chapter much like the others… “William Thornton and his daughter Rosalia…” How about changing it up a bit? Add some more description here. And again, please do away with the parentheses. I’d re-write that whole paragraph. Maybe turn it into two or three more descriptive paragraphs.

Second paragraph, you more or less repeat the same thing. “Thornton, who had not seen the man’s face, started. “Are you certain?” he asked, unable to see the man’s face from where he sat.” Get rid of the first or the second “had not seen the man’s face.”

“An ideal Dickens villain.” Should there be an apostrophe of any kind after Dickens?

Later on, I wouldn’t put quotes around “Dickens villain.” It makes me confuse it for a moment with an actual line of dialogue being spoken.

Okay…. I hate to say this, but this just isn’t believable. They’re in New York City, right? And they had to run to catch the train, so they didn’t waste much time in going there. And they happen upon the same café as the butler, at the same time? And the butler speaks loudly about everything he did, incriminating himself? If this is purely coincidence, I just can’t buy it. I’d strongly suggest you re-write it. I had to do that for German Derelict. I had about 100,000 words, a finished story, and it was simply too unbelievable. So I cut ALL but about 20,000 words. I tried moving things around, and even moved the first act to start act three, but it just wasn’t working. You can kind of fudge on some things (that’s the point of fiction… it’s just a story)… But you don’t really want to have one-in-a-billion change of happening coincidences.

I was listening to behind the scenes footage of Young Frankenstein. Have you seen it? Gene Wilder said that after writing a script (or a book), a writer must take a sledgehammer and bash away at the foundation pillars – the plot. If any of those pillars do not withstand the blow, you have to re-write. Because you can’t build on a weak foundation. That’s why I had to get rid of 80% of German Derelict, because the foundation was just too poor. You may have to do the same with “Rosalia.” Maybe you’ll only lose 10% of the story. Maybe you’ll just have to re-write this one chapter, and find a different way to get them on the ship (and a different way to introduce the butler and the Dickens villain). Or you may have to get rid of 40% of the story. Or 80%, like I did. I didn’t like making those changes to German Derelict, some of that stuff I wrote were great scenes. I tried to keep them in, or find different books that they could go in. But bad plot will beat good writing any day. You know what I mean? You can write the best scene in the world, but if it doesn’t work in chapter seven, if that weak pillar threatens the stability of the whole book, you have to go rid of it.

Case in point? German Derelict originally began in a V2 rocket cave in Germany (hence the title), and within a few chapters, Trevor dispatched three bad guys. Now, the book begins on a mountain on Iran, and Trevor doesn’t kill anyone in the entire book. The original bad guy in the first draft, quite an awesome villain, was edited completely out of the book. I tried to keep him, I did everything to find a different way for him to enter the book, but it just didn’t stand up.

So… I hope I do not disappoint you terribly. I like this story, as I said it shows a lot of promise, but you do not want to ruin it with this chapter. Hopefully a part of you agrees with me that this chapter is beyond belief. Like I said, maybe you just need to change what happens in this chapter, and why they are driven onto the ship. But if a lot of the plot depends on this chance-encounter, you’ll have to do more re-writing.

I’ll still read more if you post it. I just think chapter seven is definitely your weakest point so far. I’d re-write it (not simply touch it up; it needs torn down and built back up). But the rest is hopefully fine and I look forward to reading it. Don’t be too discouraged. My point of view is I’d rather have someone on here tell me my story needs work, rather than getting it on an agent’s desk in bad shape. I want to deliver them as good a product as possible. So post chapter eight and let me take a sledgehammer to that, too!

Hi, Hannah G. Here are some comments on chapter six of Rosalia “The Beginning of a New Life.”

Aside from some minor editing (for the same stuff I mentioned in chapter five; would not vs. wouldn’t, etc.), the first thing I notice in this chapter, the fourth paragraph seems weak to me. “so going East as we first considered will be the best plan again now.” That seems like one of those, “as you know…” moments (I hate those!) … I wouldn’t let it bog you down, but mentally circle it with a red pen (or actually do so) and come back to it later. It just seems weak.

I don’t know about saying “Rosalia sighed,” in the next paragraph. My view of Rosalia is that she wouldn’t do anything to, how shall I say… second-guess her father. SHE is the one who wanted to leave ASAP. She had to choose between either waiting till they get the money for the house on Monday, or leave ASAP to ensure their safety. So… I don’t know. Can you make her more delicately approach the question of how much money they have? Because by sighing and asking do we have any money “at all”, she seems more like a whiner. But I may be reading too much into it. But it’s something for you to think about.

This sentence has too many have’s and had’s. “We HAVE a little bit of money to start on, better than we would HAVE HAD if Hawthorne HAD not made that deal with me and we HAD been able to sell the house instead.”

“Rosalia exclaimed fervently.” I would suggest you make that stronger. First, I don’t like “exclaimed fervently” because it is too much like “shouted loudly” or “whispered quietly”, if you know what I mean. Instead, I’d suggest doing some kind of physical action. For instance, I picture Rosalia clenching her fist. I’m guessing she is usually more patient and reserved, not prone to fits of rage or whatever.. Like how you describe her as not crying often, but when she does, she cries hard. So I imagine she is not very easy to anger, so some seeds of hate toward this Enemy are tempting her to display anger/hate. And (when he sees her physical outburst), her father tells her not to be driven to hate. That’d be better than for her to “exclaim fervently.” You just need to find the right words to describe it.

“I pray you will not be weak enough to hate him.” What about something like, “I pray you won’t be weak enough to be led down the easy path of hate.” ???

Something I’ve been noticing throughout the chapter is saying “Rosalia” instead of “she”. Saying her name too often becomes repetitive, but it is nearly impossible to feel like “she” is being used too often.

For instance: “Yes,” Rosalia promised … could be, “Yes,” she promised. … Especially since she is the only female character in this scene, the reader won’t be confused when you say ‘she’. UNLESS you have a long line of dialogue by Thornton… Then it is kind of nice to be reminded that this is Rosalia now speaking.

“I still do not like to think of not having you by my side.” What about something like: “I still dread the thought of not having you by my side.” It’s a good general rule to avoid double-negatives. “not like to think of not having you.”

“Rosalia yawned, and fell silent.” NO COMMA!!!! :P “lower and lower, and she indeed fell fast asleep within five minutes.” No comma there too, I’d say. A few other concerns. 1) “fast asleep within five minutes” seems a little redundant. Why not just say she fell fast asleep? 2) I think you use indeed a few too many times in this chapter. “Your eyes are very heavy indeed.” “she indeed fell fast asleep.”

“his beloved only child.” “his only treasure.” Two only’s in the same paragraph. Also, I am not sure you need to point out that Rosalia is his only child. Saying that she is his only treasure would be enough to ensure the readers know Thornton doesn’t really have anyone else or anything else more important to him than his daughter.

“fugitives from the baffled aunt’s fury.” I like that very much.

Take out the “I have been thinking instead of sleeping” part. So she asks what he’s been thinking and he immediately answers, “You’re right. I’ve been thinking _____”

“You know, of course, that the maid had left…” There’s another “as you know” moment. Get rid of those!

Okay, and that’s the end of chapter six. Except for the few things I mentioned, the rest is mostly stuff that I think can be improved with simple editing. The chapter is decent, though it doesn’t seem very well polished as compared with some of the earlier chapters. In terms of substance, I like the chapter. It is a nice breather. There’s been a lot that’s happened to them so far, so this is a nice break, mostly just sitting on the train going from A to B. Just because a chapter is more or less a breather chapter, that doesn’t give you a reason to pare down or slack on beautiful writing. For all the more reason, this chapter should be ESPECIALLY beautiful. Just for instance, instead of just having Rosalia wake up and say good morning, you can talk about the beams of light coming through the window, lighting her face. Maybe that’s when Mr. Thornton realizes how mature she has become. Maybe you can remind us of some of her features. I forget what hair color Rosalia has. Find a way to remind the reader. If you want an analogy, you have the foundation for this chapter, the walls are constructed, and the primer is on. Now you just need to apply the final brush-strokes, which will really complete the chapter. The chapter is good, it’s actually one of my favorites so far… But it needs to be great. It can be a break for the reader, considering all the craziness that’s already happened, but it can’t be a break for you, the writer. You need to be at your very best here. Since you are taking a break from action and plot development (in a way), you can focus more on description and putting the reader there in the train car with Rosalia.

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / Atlantis Dislodged / Until Heaven Takes Over

Hi, Hannah. I’m on chapter five of “Rosalia” – Murder and Arson!

Paragraph six, I’d never include parentheses with dialogue. In fiction, I pretty much wouldn’t have any parentheses, unless you are quoting a written document (i.e. from a letter the character is reading). I don’t really like your use of parentheses throughout the chapter, because instead of the character telling us, it is more like you, the author, are breaking in and giving us updates. I’d suggest editing them out.

“Daddy! The whole house is on fire!” That whole paragraph needs fixed.

“Flames danced angrily at the farther end.” I like that.

I’d add a sentence or two about them climbing out the window. For instance, maybe a piece of glass cuts Rosalia. It just happens too quick in the story. I’d like to wonder, for at least a second, can they get out that way? Is Mr. Thornton going to make it out alright? But you just kind of zip right through it. Add a sentence or two, and it’ll be much better.

The last paragraph has two once’s. “once fine home” and “walked away once and for all.” I’d get rid of the second one, because it’s cliché.

There wasn’t too much to comment on in terms of word choices. BUT you did many things you would’ve pointed out in my writing, i.e. “would not” instead of “wouldn’t”, “it is” instead of “it’s”, etc. Also you are fairly sloppy with commas and “and’s”. My guess is you just haven’t really gotten around to editing this part very well yet. Sit down and go through it, and pretend you are editing “Waiting”. Aside from that, this chapter is entertaining. I like how you keep throwing challenges at them. Things seem to look up, and then get worse than ever! That makes for a very good read. I’m just still very curious how far you are going to take this…. Is this the lowest point they’ll ever be at? Or is this just the beginning of their troubles? If it is just the beginning of their troubles, then this should be a very good book indeed. I look forward to reading the rest (just give me time. I am a slow reader).

Looks good, Hannah. You just need to do some relatively basic editing. It shouldn't be difficult for you :P

All the best,

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / other stuff

Not many writers write like you. This is fresh and make delightful read. I intended to read just a chapter but I almost finish what you uploaded

Hey, Hannah G! It’s time for another silly, wacky, wonderful chapter review. This time, it is chapter four “Fate’s Messenger.”

“In a hand strange to him…” What about a “scrawl” strange to him?

“Submit quietly, and die quietly.” What about spicing that up a bit? Maybe you meant “die quickly?” But I wouldn’t have submit & die quietly. Die some other way.

“were a very master of forgery.” Do you need “very” in that spot?

“two nights in a row, and left unpleasant mementoes.” I think you’d tell me, “No comma after ‘and’” So… No comma after and, Hannah!

“William went to his bed to do something about the ominous threat.” Typically, you’ve been calling him Thornton. Maybe call him that here as well? Up to you.

“bell rang, and he went downstairs.” No comma!

Well, not much else to comment on in that chapter. I like the obstacles you are putting before you characters. I merely hope you can sustain it and follow through on this story’s promise. If you ever get it published, I want a signed copy!

I’ll read more soon.

All the best,

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict / Columbian Death

Rosalia
I’ll address the cameos at the end. I want to read as much as I can first of everything else.
I read Ch’s 1-5
This is an extremely well-written piece of historical fiction. I’m not the best reviewer for this, as I don’t typically read historical fiction. Therefore, to me, a lot of phrases that seem formal or stiff, I’m assuming is just true to the time period. I love the little hooks at the end of each chapter, cleverly done. The pitch is certainly interesting and I think in Ch5 I’m only starting to get a taste for the mystery to come. The set-up of Rosalia and her father is done well, but after reading the cameos and then reading up to ch 5, I’m still not sure what exactly happened to Rosalia’s mother – did she die? Commit suicide? Run away? Am I not supposed to know yet? I know the cameo talks of her father finding a note, but it doesn’t specify what the note says. I can’t tell if this is deliberately vague or if I just didn’t get it.
Ch2:
Your second sentence is stronger than your first, I think for an opener. Or maybe “with trembling hands”. Something about the way it is, just didn’t strike me as neat enough for a first sentence.
His whole life flashed before him – cliché and that would be fine, except you repeat it in the next line, in a fresh, much more elegant way when you say a panorama of his personal history.
Ch4: The debt speech to his daughter seemed a little long for unbroken monologue.
OK, as for the cameos: Again, beautifully written. More writing that makes me jealous! Your descriptions are effortless, not clunky in any way. Just poetic, really. But for me, I have a hard time getting into books initially. I think a lot of people do – which is why that first sentence and paragraph is so important. Especially now, in the age of the e-reader when someone can just say Eh, not into it and get something else in seconds. Do I agree? No, I think with reading (and life, to wax philosophical!), patience is generally rewarded with a cutting story that will stick with you – if only you had the patience to persevere. SO, that being said, I think you have to keep them but figure out how to not have them all up front in chapter 1. I applaud you for trying something different, and it’s really not that I think it doesn’t work, but I think you’ll lose readers.
It’s all IMHO and all that…if you disagree, then disregard :-)
Very nice read, overall, again, your writing makes me envious. Good luck! Highly starred.
Kate M
My Husband’s Memory

Hi Hannah,

I read all of chapter one which included your Cameos. To tell you the truth, I enjoyed everything that I read. Each separate story drew me in right away and I had no problem jumping from scene to scene. You have quite a gift for telling an emotional and gripping story. Being a mom, I could identify with all your female character’s feelings.

This is strictly my opinion so please take it as such. I don’t know why, but paragraph long descriptions of characters in a story are distracting to me. No matter how talented the writer is (and you are very talented) it still comes off as deliberate. I’m an advocate of dropping subtle hints here and there to form a picture of the character - again, only my opinion. In that second paragraph of Cameo one where you are describing the father, the word “slightly” is used three times.

Without a doubt, if I found this book in a library, I would check it out. It is such lovely writing and the story is filled with the kind of tragedy that pulls at a woman’s heart. After reading your pitch and the cameos I can only imagine what is in store. I love reading this kind of stuff. You have captured my imagination and it only took you one chapter to do it! Six stars! I'll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hannah,
"Rosalia" is an elegant piece of work highlighting the powerful bond bertween father and daughter as they face poverty and hardship together. Your descriptives paint intricate scenes and action sequences that move the story at a brisk pace, and there is never a dull moment. Your characters are sympathetic overall and well worth cheering on.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Although I’ve never written a historical fiction novel (part of Filthy Luca is set in 1945 but it’s very much a secondary narrative thread) it’s definitely one of my favourite genres to read, particularly where there’s an element of mystery or suspense to the novel. ‘Rosalia’, therefore, feels like it should be just my type of book.

I’ve read everything you’ve posted, Hannah and really enjoyed the story so far. The prose feels very polished with very few typos/grammatical errors/formatting problems etc to interrupt the flow. Once or twice some of the word choice felt slightly ‘off’ (eg ‘faithfully’ not ‘sincerely’, ‘enquired’ not ‘inquired’, ‘sooty’ not ‘sootied’??) which you may want to look at but, otherwise, I found this to be a reassuringly smooth, involvingly immersive read. The prose itself is clear and direct but never dull and there’s a good blend of simple storytelling to move the narrative along and more ornate, deftly lyrical phrasing to set a certain scene or encourage the reader to empathise with a character’s mood/mindset etc. Nicely done.

The sense of time and place is also very good. It’s just enough to root the reader in the moment without ever getting in the way of the main thrust of the novel. It’s clear you’ve done your research, Hannah but you cleverly resist the temptation to bludgeon the reader with irrelevant historical detail. The detail is always present (eg the scene in chapter 3 where Rosalia is packing her trunk etc) but never intrudes on the narrative. It’s just there, in the background, adding subtle colour and depth to the scenes.

The characterisation is clear and convincing. Both Rosalia and her father come across as extremely sympathetic, courageous, resourceful individuals. Not that they’re paragons. They have their character flaws but, somehow, these flaws only serve to make them more likeable and help encourage the reader to identify with their plight and root for them as the story takes shape.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps both to drive the scenes and cleverly flesh out the novel’s various characters. I do think you could lose quite a few of the dialogue tags (or at least edit out the adverbs/ replace tags like ‘exclaimed,’ ‘cried,’ ‘murmured,’ ‘mused’ etc with simply ‘said’ etc??) so the conversational exchanges flow even more smoothly/naturally etc?? Just a thought.

The chapters feel very well constructed with a good blend of action, dialogue, character introspection etc and cleverly restrained climactic plot hooks to encourage the reader to read on.

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what to make of the ‘cameos’ that begin the novel. I read chapters 1 to 4 before going back and reading the cameos and, although they’re beautifully written and work extremely well as stand-alone character sketches, I’m not sure what purpose they serve?? I suppose I’ve only read four chapters and maybe their relevance will become clearer later in the novel?? That said, I still think you’re asking an awful lot of your reader if you expect them to read four or five pages of italicised character sketches prior to starting the novel proper. It would be such a shame to lose them completely, tho. Could you maybe trim them slightly and use them as preambles to the specific chapter where their relevance becomes apparent?? I think this might be a good way to intrigue rather than frustrate the reader and create a more seamless flow to the novel?? Food for thought, anyway.

The plot itself sounds original and complex and, with its mix of mystery, adventure, historical realism etc, should appeal to a good cross-section of readers.

In short, a very stylish, attractively unconventional historical mystery. Highly starred and kept on my watchlist. Thanks and best of luck. P

Hi, Hannah. I’m commenting on… Okay this is a little confusing. It’s filed under chapter 4, but the header says chapter three. A typo I notice right off the bat is when you uploaded the chapter, you put the title as, “… strange OCCIRRENCES”. Again, this is an error on the upload/edit screen where you post your book, NOT in the actual document you uploaded.

First paragraph, do you need to say, “since today is Tuesday”? It seems kind of irrelevant to me what day it is, and this is one of those, “as you know… its Tuesday” lines.

Second paragraph, I think you could finish after, “be left with nothing but debt.” It’s your choice, but it seems a little too repetitive to me. I can see that Rosalia has the foresight to see how racking up debt is damaging, so my eyes kind of scanned over the next sentence or two, because I got the point.

Hmm, with all this talk on debt, Obama should read this book.

In your third paragraph, I wonder if you can break it up a little with description. I forgot that he was eating lunch, so maybe he says, “You are owned by the man you owe money to.” And then have him take a few bites of his lunch before speaking again? Your choice. Not necessary.

Also in the third paragraph, I wonder if all too often should be hyphenated? All-too-often? I figure you know this better than I do.

Paragraph… six… “Rosalia reiterated, solemnly.” You say the same thing in paragraph three. “Thornton said, solemnly.”

Paragraph seven. “After that, the conversation turned…” You can cut out “after that” if you want, so it simply reads, “The conversation turned…”

“fulfilled later at a time when he was not near to advise her.” That part sounds a little clunky, but it is still a powerful sentence. It creates a chilling feeling to me, knowing Rosalia’s promise will be tested. This is one sentence I’d circle, and see if you can improve it down the road to make it even better. You definitely want this sentence to be as flawless as possible. It’s good; it needs to be great.

The maid: “she demanded angrily.” I think you can take out that part. It’s apparent in her words that she is angry. You don’t really need to tell us when we can clearly see it in the dialogue. And I’d consider switching “Why a sudden move” and “What are you running away from, sir?” The “What are you running away from, sir?” line is stronger I think, and a better point to leave off on.

“Thornton was irked by the woman’s insolence.” I like to remove “was” whenever possible, so how about something like, “The woman’s insolence irked him/Thornton.”

I’d break the paragraph up right before he says, “I have been robbed.” Maybe you could have a short paragraph about Mrs. Prince looking at him unblinking, wondering what was the cause of this sudden upheaval. THEN he confesses, “I have been robbed…” Up to you.

I’d tweak this paragraph to read, “Rosalia spent the afternoon separating the things most precious to her.”
“she asked, concerned.” You don’t need that line. It’s obvious in the dialogue that she is concerned.

“He was putting his personal affairs there in order… “Show him in,” … That paragraph seems very weak. We are not in Thornton’s workplace, right? Describe it a little bit. Not TOO much, if this is the last time we will see it, but at least give us some clues about it. I don’t know how to picture his office whatsoever, so give me a couple details. And when Mr. Hawthorne enters, describe him a little bit. How is he Thornton’s competitor? What does he look like? How does he dress? Does he have a cane? (I picture all antagonists with canes). I don’t know why. It’s just something they could bash you with, I suppose. And it shows that they have “class”, that they’re better than you, because they have a cane. You can ignore me. I am just rambling at this point. But I would like to know what Hawthorne looks like. Does he look like John Travolta, Kevin Spacey, Harry Reid, or Joe Biden?

“a fresh start somewhere else,” Thornton explained. … You don’t really need “Thornton explained” here. I know it’s him talking.

“At least this way Thornton could still own his own place.” I THINK there should be a comma after “way”. Also, are you okay with the two own’s? … he could still possess, hold, have, enjoy, be the master of, control, dominate, have claim upon, retain, keep, have a deed for his own place. Any one of those would remove the two own’s.

And that’s chapter three of “Rosalia.”

I like the story you are weaving here. I am rooting for your characters. I’m looking forward to reading more.

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict / Columbian Death

The plot thickens!
It still is flowing very well.
The reader can tell that you've taken a whole lot of time creating and developing things out.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

This is historical christian fiction at its best. I thoroughly enjoyed this when I read it yesterday. Your writing style is sweet and compelling. It reminded me of the writings of Beverly Lewis, but with "bite". And that is what makes it have a distinct and fresh voice to the very full genre of historical christian fiction. Your work stands out and I believe there is a place for it on the market and readers will enjoy.

You have created a character that is at once endearing and likable. We right away "care" about her and what happens to her.

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Highly rated and I recommend it to anyone looking for a s

Just read the first chapter - I got into it easily and think it has a lot of potential. I liked starting with the bankruptcy but I feel perhaps you gave a bit too much backstory upfront - I've always enjoyed books most when this is teased out gradually. There were also a few bits in the dialogue that didn't feel natural, such as "you hardly ever speak to her of me and I wish to be as much like her as possible, especially because you loved her so" "as you know, you were only three months old when I lost her"
Hope that helps, best of luck :)

Hi, Hannah. Here are some thoughts on chapter two of “Rosalia.”

“Rosalia personally was, at sixteen, slightly below medium height…” I think Microsoft Word would call that a “passive” sentence. How about, “At sixteen, Rosalia/she stood slightly below medium height…”

“that became more beautiful with later years…” How about, “that enriched with later years/age…”

“would not fade until very late in life.” It sounds okay, but it also detracts some of the tension. You basically reveal that Rosalia will make it through whatever will happen in the book. Maybe you could sum this all up by saying something like, “an enduring beauty, which would only enrich with later years/age.”

Of all your writing I’ve seen, you are hitting your stride in describing Rosalia’s appearance. In “Hubert” you skimmed past any opportunity to describe your characters, but here you go into great detail (i.e. her eyelashes). That paints a much more vivid image for the reader, and merits publication.

“Those large dark eyes of hers… were still her best feature.” Since you have the “her” already in the sentence, I’d take out the “eyes of hers” part, which sounds cliché. So it reads, “Those large dark eyes…. were still her best feature.”

“… her lips were formed with a delightfully piquant curve…” I like to remove “were” whenever possible, so I think you can say, “her lips formed a delightfully piquant curve…”

“Her skin was clear, a shade or two darker in tint than the creamy white most of the girls she knew valued so highly, and glowing with good health.” I hate “was”, so how about, “Her clear skin, a shade or two darker in tint than the creamy white valued so highly by most of the girls she knew, glowed with good health.”

“further witness to that fine health of hers.” I just don’t like “health of hers”, especially after the “eyes of hers” line. You’re interrupting a beautiful, elegant, poetic description with repetition and cliché. What about something like, “Her soft pink cheeks gave further testament to her vitality.” I’m not sure if I like vitality as a word, but you don’t want to repeat “health” after using it in the previous sentence. Also, I’d try to use another word besides pink, because pink seems like such a frail color to me, and you describe her skin tone as darker. I’m not sure what color you’d use for her cheeks. Dark pink? Deep pink? Rose pink? Light salmon pink? “Pink” alone just sounds too typical, and frail.

I’d consider moving the description of her eyebrows to after you describe her eyes as her best feature (so it’d be the second sentence in the paragraph, I think). That way you focus on the eye-area a bit longer. Then maybe describe the nose. Then mouth. Then cheeks. And then her hair? So you sort of work your way down (except the eyebrows are above the eyes, but that’s beside the point), and then top it off with a description of her hair since hair is usually the anchor of a character’s appearance.

“soft light brown” for her hair… That’s decent, but a bit over-the-top. Why not just soft brown or light brown? If you think soft/light brown is too typical, try something like fawn-colored, caramel, dessert sand brown, fallow, sandy brown, sepia, tan, wheat, vanilla, etc.

“Rosalia loved good clothes.” I have to ask, “What kind of sixteen year old doesn’t?” Maybe substitute another word for “good”? Elegant, fashionable, dressy, etc. I don’t like that so well, though. You could say, “Rosalia loved clothing” but then it makes me think of a nudist colony… So how about a compromise, and say something like, “Rosalia put much thought into her clothing, and by some feminine instinct knew just how to dress her slim figure to the greatest advantage.”

“her favorite style was simplicity.” May I suggest, “she reveled in simplicity.”

“dress” is becoming repetitive. “just how to dress”, “overdressing”, “dressed often”, “white dresses” Maybe edit this sentence so it reads, “She wore white and airy pastels, but chose rich colors occasionally, such as crimson sash or deep shawl, to compliment her ensemble/attire/trappings/garb/wardrobe.”

“made by her closest friend; and a necklace…” I’m not sure the semicolon belongs there; but I think I got a C in English.

“But the best part about Rosalia…” Best part, according to whom? The only reason I ask is to draw attention to your point of view. Who is telling the story? I recall something about 3rd person is he said/she said, but 4th person is like the narrator looking down, telling everything. This sounds more like the latter. You begin to lose me at this point in the story. You’ve done well to describe your character, but I wonder who is telling the story now. Before, I could picture myself in the room looking at Rosalia. But now you are telling, not showing, and I am reminded that this is a book. That pulls my attention away a bit. I can’t say you should scrap this part, but maybe circle it in your mind, and see if you could revise it in the future. While I think this is the weakest point in the chapter, I think you can leave it alone for the time being. Come back to it when the story is finished, and see if you can do anything to improve it.

“Though she rarely allowed herself to cry, when she did cry she did a thorough job of it.” How about simply, “Though she rarely allowed herself to cry, she did a thorough job of it.”

“For half an hour she sobbed quietly – lest her father hear – but with all her heart.” It took me a moment to understand that sentence, and I do like it a lot. I’d circle it, and see if you could make it even better the next time you edit the book. I like that she’s crying quietly, she doesn’t want her father to hear, and she’s doing it with all her heart. That’s a lot of emotion in a short expanse. But I am confident you can make it even better. I love that you describe the tears as her “weakness.” That tells me a lot about how the character views herself (i.e. that crying is a weakness).

Uh oh! “stern look in the mirror.” … “she rebuked the mirrored image, sternly.” Get rid of the second one.

“So on, and be a true soldier…” Do you mean, “Go on…” ??? … Maybe you don’t. If you DO mean to say, “So on,” how about, “So go on, and be a true…”

I love your character. I love strong women. I love how you have her marching out of the room and giving a cheerful good morning after crying her heart out. Wonderful characterization!

And that’s chapter two of “Rosalia.” I really like this chapter. You beautifully describe your character, give us clues to her personality (i.e. crying is a weakness), and show how she wants to be strong for her dad, oh, and how greatly she thinks of her mother. My theory is that if you have a great character, everything else will fall into place. It doesn’t matter if your whole story is about trying to catch the bus on time; if you have a great character, the reader will stay in tune, sitting on the edge of their seat, desperate to know if they reach the bus station in time! You have the makings of a great character, and that can carry your reader through till the end.

All the best,

Shaun Holt
“Waiting for the Rain” / “German Derelict” / “Columbian Death”

Hannah,
I very much enjoyed your second chapter. Your mains character is so easy to like. The way you describe her is so well done that I can totally relate to her. She is easy going with a good heart but is a fascinating person. I like girl characters who go against the normal trends.
Your story is developing so well.
I do like this book.
Best wishes. :)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi, Hannah.

I think you have the makings of a good hook. You begin with your character in a real tight spot, a deep pit which they must dig themselves out of. That makes for a compelling story. I think you create some sympathetic characters, and the reader will root for them to overcome the obstacles placed before them.

Yours in writing,

Shaun Holt
"Waiting for the Rain" / "German Derelict"

The first paragraph seems slightly redundant, try to tighten it up by rephrasing
For instance…
With trebling hands, William Thorton opened the safe. (It was tucked in the corner of a tidy little office.-I added this to show that adding to the scene can be helpful. I don’t know if it’s in an office or warehouse or his home, just a suggestion.) He crouched, counting the money, once, twice, even three times- it wasn’t nearly enough. Glancing toward his desk at the seemingly harmless letter, he knew the sum contained within his safe wouldn’t cover payroll, not to mention the debt he’d learned of in that letter.
I’ve only read through the letter in your first chapter and I have to wonder if this is a plausible scenario, simply because I work at a bank. Obviously, I didn’t live in the 1800’s so I cannot say if this is something that would or would not have occurred, although I do have to question the plausibility of such an occurrence.
You did a nice job explaining his former life, although I fail to see the necessity of it. Perhaps it would be to your advantage to spread those bits throughout the book rather than have the first chapter chock full of them.
Overall your writing is good, my example that I gave before for paragraph one is quite possibly more a matter of preference rather than what is right-I’m certainly no expert on writing.
Best wishes G.W.

Hannah,
This has a great plot starting from the beginning. It flows along well.
The first paragraph is a little choppy. I am sure a little ironing will smooth it out.
Maybe do something else with the words The Letter, bold letter them or something. Then you wouldn't have to capitalize the words.
Just thoughts.
Anyhow, good job with this book. I like the plot a whole lot.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

this is a well told and compelling story. worth the read. you have built it well in the premise. enjoy your journey here...
j
what every woman should know