Gabriel's Destiny

Hi R.
I read you opening chapter today. You have a very interesting start here. Your style is a bit confusing though and could use a little tightening up. You tend to repeat words - for instance in the opening para, the building sat on a street like ever other. Next sentence, kids riding bikes - in the street is unnecessary. You do the same thing with city in that same para. Some of the final sentences in your paras are confusing as well, for instance you describe the building as full of light, but then make note of the dark shadowy corners.
Why is Ralph the lone keeper of the babies? How many babies are we talking because there are rows and rows of cribs, and surely one person can't feed and change rows and rows of cribs worth of babies. So who are the others, does he know them? He feels fear, but then he projects his location to a stranger when he is protecting these babies that are in some way sacred? It seems odd. Also, your last para is a distinct POV change from Ralph to the invader, which is a bit confusing.
All in all, I am interested in your plot, the deliver could use a bit of tweaking and maybe a few more details about what Ralph's mission or maybe just some hints at why he feels fear.

Hi R,
I read your pitch and delved into your book to read a few chapters so that I could send you some feedback with my first impressions.

Your MCs; Gabriel, Ralph and Tommy seems like they're already living because of your visual descriptions. The back-story you provided, the way you described the orphanage and the circumstance you show us is quite unique. The pace is equally well-developed.

The lack of dialogue in the first few chapters is ok for me as I enjoy reading narratives, but for others who think that dialogue is a necessity to draw the line between show and tell, I don't know how to proceed.

What strikes me most in Gabriel's Destiny is the way you tell the story and the words you pick. I could read without distraction or without going back and forth in the sentence to understand what was going on. It flows well and it's easy to follow.

Please revisit this line at the very end of Chapter 2;
When it never happened the realization that it never would (make or made?) them (fell or feel?) blessed to share such a strong friendship and loyalty with him.

All in all, I think it's a good story and you know how to express your character's feelings.
High stars and best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi I finally got a chance to read your first Chapter and I really, really like this very much. I'm actually a fan of the angels. They have been my favorite in fantasy genres. You also have a nice style of writing. This is a very awesome story and I am adding it to my watchlist.

LaTonya

Gabriels' Destiny - Well developed characters, and picturesque writing style give a sense of time and place, well done...
Cindy
CADreilling - The Line - Beginnings

As far as commenting goes I'm struggling a bit with this one. I could say that it's a neat idea, that it will play well to the Young Adult crowd, that you have an interesting Main Character, and it would all be true. I could then leave it at that and hope you think I'm a nice guy, look at mine, and maybe back my book or at least star it highly. And that's the problem with Authonomy. The feedback is the biggest positive yet on many an occasion it gets distorted by the agenda of the reviewer.
With that in mind I'll stick with what I've said above, but I'm also going to give you the rest of what I thought as I read this. Hopefully the honesty will be of some use to you. Chapter 1, in my opinion, could be much better. You start with a chase, a hunt, and as Gabe seeks his prey you seek to grab your reader by the throat and pull them into your story and then... you let go. The adrenaline of the chase becomes a lot of backstory and I just didn't get why. Again, it's just my opinion, but why not follow through with the hunt, give the reader the thrill that ties them to your story, and then, once they are out of breath, yet satisfied, give us the background as chapter 2.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the part about the first day at school, I'm just saying it didn't flow from the start of the chapter. In my opinion.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt I moved on to chapter 2. This was emotive stuff but I couldn't fully engage with it because my mind was still looking for the resolution of the start of chapter 1. Perhaps the chase could be a short prologue that way I wouldn't have been looking for more of it.
Considering I've been quite critical already I'm quite reluctant to continue but I also think you need to show more rather than just telling and also it helps to break up blocks if text if you use more dialogue.
Now if all that seems harsh go back and read what I said at the outset. Good ideas, good character, pitched well for the YA market, and add to that some nice touches particularly the emotive elements of chapter 2. So I do recognise the positives. All I'm trying to do is highlight what didn't work for me. That way you can consider my opinion, ignore me, or maybe even agree in parts.
I hope this does well for you and that I may have helped in some way. There's a lot if potential here, I hope you go on to bring it out.
James
PS If you want to respond hit send message. Hitting reply often means that the person to whom you are responding never knows as after commenting on a book a lot of readers don't come back. That's not a reflection on the books on here, it's just the nature of the site as people move from review to review.

I have read all of the MS that is available and am completely hooked. Sounds like it is going interesting places.

There's a fair bit of language, grammar and punctuation that needs working on, but the story is still understandable thus far.

Is this a work in progress or have you completed the story? Ten chapters in and only a couple of brief mentions of the darkness... But whether that is an issue or not probably depends on the completed length of the book.

These were some of the possible edits I picked up...

Ch1
Even though he now knew why he still had problems accepting it all.

Ch2
You say he has a hint of hesitation about asking, and later, no hint of how much hinged...

God and god...

Ch3
the other kid's families
the other kids' families

Her arrival rescued Gabriel from the love less life he lived so far.
loveless
2x worst instead of worse

Dan's financial decisions like his life decisions went from bad to worst and before long all they had left was the house Emma's parents gave them as a wedding gift. Dan worked hard to pay the mortgage but his education level didn't leave him any good job prospects. While Emma had a higher education level she felt working was beneath her station. She never worked a day in her life and didn't intend to start then. She also expected to live the same life that she had become accustomed to her whole life. She had no idea that all of the money was gone. Dan couldn't pay for it all so they were soon forced to sell the house and move.

If the house was a gift why was there a mortgage?

GABRIEL’S DESTINY
This is a interesting young adult story. You’ve created a good character in Gabriel. I think his background as a foster child gives him extra depth as a character. His ability to stand up to the seniors was admirable. The second chapter on why Jenny couldn’t have children is heart breaking. Her decision to be a foster mother instead of adopt says a lot about her overall kindness. Because the story doesn’t depend on magic, I think you’ll find a young adult audience who are tired of Harry Potter for this. They’ll either be able to identify with Gabriel or wish they were more like him. A good read, I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

neat and clear narrative style tells your story very well...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hi Rickardo; I've just finished reading your first chapter.
This is good. The story itself has the feel of something that will work well. Gabriel is a good MC with a lot of traits already evident from the story so far. The protector with issues, type thing.
I thought both the short and long pitch were very good. However, you did ask for help with any thoughts on your writing. I do not usually comment on such things but shall, as I feel you have tons of potential. There are a few simple things you could do to help with the actual written work. You have a tendency to make the odd line overly long. If you think you may be rambling a bit, split it in two.
I would use your first line as an example. If it just said 'Gabriel always knew he was different' it would possibly carry a little bit more oomph. Then continue 'He knew why, but still had trouble accepting it.'
I hope this helps Rickardo. Like Cassamir said, try reading it out loud. It does work.
You have a good story brewing here and I'm going to watchlist it to see how you progress.
Keep on plugging away and you'll do well here.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Thank you so much this is exactly the thing I'm seeking so desperately to get is feedback. Thank you so much for your words and advice and I laughed at first because I know very well that I have a tendency to make very LONNNNNNNG sentences. So yes I will definitely look them over again and believe me everything you've mentioned is noted. I've promised myself to move on from Chapter 1 for now but that doesn't mean that I'm not taking your advice into account. I have also marked your book on my watchlist and plan to get into it because I always love to read other's works.

Hi Rickardo; I've just finished reading your first chapter.
This is good. The story itself has the feel of something that will work well. Gabriel is a good MC with a lot of traits already evident from the story so far. The protector with issues, type thing.
I thought both the short and long pitch were very good. However, you did ask for help with any thoughts on your writing. I do not usually comment on such things but shall, as I feel you have tons of potential. There are a few simple things you could do to help with the actual written work. You have a tendency to make the odd line overly long. If you think you may be rambling a bit, split it in two.
I would use your first line as an example. If it just said 'Gabriel always knew he was different' it would possibly carry a little bit more oomph. Then continue 'He knew why, but still had trouble accepting it.'
I hope this helps Rickardo. Like Cassamir said, try reading it out loud. It does work.
You have a good story brewing here and I'm going to watchlist it to see how you progress.
Keep on plugging away and you'll do well here.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Gabriel's Destiny.

I love the pitch. The story sounds amazing.
In the first chapter youve managed to show the mysterious side to Gabriels character. The way he rescues the helpless boy and he shows a side of himself that shocks and mystifies those who witness the scene. Gabriel is a character I definitely want to read much more about.
It needs some polishing but this is a gripping story and youre a great writer. I'd love to read this again in a few months after you have done some editing.
Here is a sample of what I mean - Hope you dont mind pointing it out;
'Gabriel, who had just joined them at that point laughed at the idea and although they joined in. The guys were actually half considering it and the closer they got to the school the better it sounded.' The full stop is in the wrong place for starters. Maybe if you put it after 'idea. Then started the next sentance with 'Although.'
Anyhow its a great story with an origional idea.
Thankyou for the read.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.

Thank you so much for your comments and for taking the time for the read. I have put your book on my watchlist and intend to return the awesome flavor. Yes please do point out any mistakes or ways things can be re-worded. I have re-worked the first chapter for a couple weeks now and there are still some parts that sound awkward. I would love for you to re-read in a couple of months since I'm going to move on to other chapters and edit and revise.

Gabriel's Destiny.

I love the pitch. The story sounds amazing.
In the first chapter youve managed to show the mysterious side to Gabriels character. The way he rescues the helpless boy and he shows a side of himself that shocks and mystifies those who witness the scene. Gabriel is a character I definitely want to read much more about.
It needs some polishing but this is a gripping story and youre a great writer. I'd love to read this again in a few months after you have done some editing.
Here is a sample of what I mean - Hope you dont mind pointing it out;
'Gabriel, who had just joined them at that point laughed at the idea and although they joined in. The guys were actually half considering it and the closer they got to the school the better it sounded.' The full stop is in the wrong place for starters. Maybe if you put it after 'idea. Then started the next sentance with 'Although.'
Anyhow its a great story with an origional idea.
Thankyou for the read.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.

Putting on my shelf to read and maybe comment on later. Looks like a very good book.

This is a wonderfull book and I am glad to be reading it. Keep up the good work.

This is a very interesting story you have here. I am looking forward to see where it goes from here. Aside from his good deeds for his friends, Gabriel seems to have a bit of darkness and secrecy about him that makes the readere want to continue reading. Good luck with the rest of your story and I'll keep reading.

Eric

Hi Rickardo, I read chapter 4. This is a great fantasy novel, you have obviously put some time and effort into getting the story right and it is a very unique tale. I was able to warm to the characters and follow their journey, the story flow was good and the story interesting. Good Work.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

I made some edits to the first 5 chapters but unfortunately my internet has been flaky. I will update tomorrow and hopefully get some feedback :0)

You have a gripping story here. Gabriel, the protector of the weak, even though troubled with personal problems about his real family. Just this line puzzle me. "He had stood up to many a bully". Do you mean he stood up to many bullies?

yes that's what I meant sorry I know there are some things that need polishing. Even after I update chapters I re-read and find that I need to edit half of the chapter again.

You have a gripping story here. Gabriel, the protector of the weak, even though troubled with personal problems about his real family. Just this line puzzle me. "He had stood up to many a bully". Do you mean he stood up to many bullies?

This is an intiguing story. The pace of the telling is cool and measured and there is a calmness that shows that the author is clear about the ideas and just where the story is leading. An assured voice.

Most of us will have been involved in similar school yard events in one capacity or another, so those scenes were easy to identify with. From a UK perspective, there was little that didn't translate.

At times there is a some awkwardness with the sentences and I feel that this may be an early draft that could use a little 'read aloud' editing to expose the occasional glitch.

I always comment on the feel of a story rather than the bones and blood of the plot. I like the feel of this. The author has a strong voice that does not intrude on the telling of the tale. And we learn much in the couple of chapters I have read.

In short, it is fine writing and an enticing story. Not everything is revealed at once, but enough is told to keep the reader wanting more.

Highly starred and watch-listed.

Hi there!
Sorry it's taken so long to get to your book. I only had time to read chapter one tonight. Gabriel seems like a nice, helpful young guy, one that a reader can root for. :) There are a few things that came to mind when reading, so I will note them below. Just remember that anything I note is always with the hope of being helpful, but they are only my personal comments and suggestions, so feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with.

I think the biggest challenge in this chapter, is that it opens with the promise of something exciting, which seems to be a chase, and just when it gets interesting, the story switches to a long section of background information. At the opening of a book, you want to grab and hold onto the reader's attention. Details, history, background and all that can be added later on, or sprinkled through the story or even told in dialogue. I would suggest revising the chapter so that the story focuses on what Gabriel is chasing and why; why is he in the forest? how long have students been going missing and why has he taken it upon himself to figure it out? Who or what is his prey? These are the questions I wanted to have answered. Also, if you decide to keep the bullying section, perhaps condense it since there are some parts that seem repetitive.
Also, the narrative voice seems a little detached, as though we are being told a story as opposed to being immersed in it. What is Gabriel's own voice? What are his own thoughts and feelings? By personalizing the MC's voice, it will be easier for the reader to connect with him.
Also, just out of curiosity, who is your target audience? The tone of the text suggests a younger audience, perhaps, YA, but I'm not entirely sure.

I hope these comments are helpful. If there is anything you'd like to discuss further, let me know. I'll try to get to chapter 2 sometime this week.

Best,
Dyane
The Purple Morrow

Hi Rickardo, I see you're in the process of editing. I've read your first chapter and see you do some of the same things I do. I hope you don't mind if I pass on a few pointers that were passed on to me. Maybe you can use them as you edit.

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome thank you so much for all the great advice. I love it all and the funny thing is the as, it, which and starting with the same words repeatedly all hit me in the chapters I'm editing now lol. So I loved seeing your advice on those things. I am definitely going to cut out the redundant words I know I've always had a habit of describing everything in micro detail. The advice on the short pitch is AWESOME I read it and I was like DAMN I love that. I've checked out your book and I'm putting it on my watchlist thank you so much and visit whenever you have time. The chapters I'm about to update today have been revised with a little more dialogue and tell a little more about the back story.

Hi Rickardo, I see you're in the process of editing. I've read your first chapter and see you do some of the same things I do. I hope you don't mind if I pass on a few pointers that were passed on to me. Maybe you can use them as you edit.

First, however, Your book title and cover are both very good! I liked both so much I immediately put your book in my Watchlist as soon as I saw it.

Your short pitch needs work. May I suggest just for now shortening it to .. "A boy, an angel and the darkness ..." Later as you edit, a better line may hit you!

Your long pitch describes your book but needs to be polished. Instead of writing "This story is about or this story is ..just describe the actual story.. A boy, an angel and the darkness only he can stop. But which he .. boy or angel? An angelic tale without fluffy clouds, harps or halos .. full of faith, hope, darkness and doubt but, above all, love that transcends time.

New para .. "Feeling lost and alone, Gabriel always felt different ...etc .. (just keep the sentences tight)

A few pointers I've learned .. Be careful of "which" & "as". Rearranging sentences with those words will often strengthen it.

Example: Para beginning; "He heard the leaves ... etc .. you start 2 sentences in a row with "He" (just don't do that a lot) and use "as" 5 times in this para) Restructuring the 1st sentence can start sentence differently and eliminates " as". "Hearing the rustle of leaves, his muscles tensed and eyes narrowed, turning a glowing red." Next sentence ..His prey looked around nervously before running feverishly to escape when he sprang from his spot like a recoiled spring. "another as" .. Keep the following sentences & go to the last sentence .. "Gaining on his prey, Gabriel's thoughts seemed to race just as fast. "another as" Now only 2 "as" in para.

Watch out using "that" "had" "then" "who" Sometimes those words are necessary but not always. If unnecessary they will interrupt the flow of the sentence and slow the story down. Also, trust the reader to know certain small insignificant things.

Gabriel froze in his tracks and watched "what was happening" while his friends "who were" eager to escape pulled on ...etc.. Trust the reader to know that Gabriel was watching "what was happening" and leave those words out .. same sentence "who were" are unnecessary ... I'd change sentence to "Gabriel froze in his tracks and watched while his friends, eager to escape, pulled on ..etc .."

Last para: "that" ..para starting, "It also meant most ..etc .. jealous feelings "that" they kept hidden. the fact "that" he waltzed in ..leave "that" out both times.
They "had" always figured "that" once Gabriel grew ... leave out "had" & "that" They always figured once Gabriel grew ..etc...

Last: Watch out for repetitive/redundant words. Use the online thesaurus for word variety.

I have enjoyed reading your story and wish you luck while you edit. Please feel free to ignore anything that doesn't feel comfortable to you. I hope to come back & read more another time. Lots of Stars!

Jane Lawry
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44825/the-genealogists-on-holy-ground/

I've revised the first chapter again but when you read keep in mind that I have just finished it. It is at over 112,000 word so it's pretty big. I'm trying to cut it up into chapters because I never wrote it organizing it into chapters. I don't want to get bogged down editing one chapter over and over. So I'm going to put it all up on here and then update the chapters as I revise them. I am taking all the comments into consideration and appreciate it a lot but if you don't see changes just keep the above in mind.

Gabriel’s Destiny

Angels are hot right now and publishers are looking for books about them, so you are perfectly on trend. Gabriel is an attractive character and his story is mysterious and intriguing. You’ve got the basics here of a really hot story, and it should be fun to polish it into shape.

The pitch is kind of confusing and should just say straight out what happens, and then what it means (the message of the book). Don’t mix these up too much, we can’t follow it. Use the third person (do not say “you” it sounds funny popping up all the sudden). The word “darkness” should not be repeated so close together.

Ch 1 – how can a large dense forest be at the heart of town? Aren’t forests usually outside towns?? I do think starting with such a long run of narration is dangerous, it’s hard to hook people without a dramatic scene that includes dialogue. Most readers scan down the page looking for quotation marks, and stop there to read. What if you retold this scene in the park a little differently, and added some tense conversation between Gabriel and “his prey”?

It would help if you broke your writing up into shorter paragraphs too, easier to read and more dramatic.

Good luck with this! On my WL.

~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP
[
Thanks for your advice and comments 😄 I just finished the first draft so I do still intend to cut the paragraphs up even more. The woods at the center of town is just how I see it. It's like the heart of the town and even though no one goes there it is the place that both angels and dark angels are constantly in there. Thanks for the word on the pitch I'd love to have more comments from you about it. In it I was trying to talk about the book without giving away the whole story but perhaps that was the wrong idea. Thanks for the idea on the hook needing more, I've decided to carry the scene a little further.

Gabriel’s Destiny

Angels are hot right now and publishers are looking for books about them, so you are perfectly on trend. Gabriel is an attractive character and his story is mysterious and intriguing. You’ve got the basics here of a really hot story, and it should be fun to polish it into shape.

The pitch is kind of confusing and should just say straight out what happens, and then what it means (the message of the book). Don’t mix these up too much, we can’t follow it. Use the third person (do not say “you” it sounds funny popping up all the sudden). The word “darkness” should not be repeated so close together.

Ch 1 – how can a large dense forest be at the heart of town? Aren’t forests usually outside towns?? I do think starting with such a long run of narration is dangerous, it’s hard to hook people without a dramatic scene that includes dialogue. Most readers scan down the page looking for quotation marks, and stop there to read. What if you retold this scene in the park a little differently, and added some tense conversation between Gabriel and “his prey”?

It would help if you broke your writing up into shorter paragraphs too, easier to read and more dramatic.

Good luck with this! On my WL.

~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

I am back, I have been away for some time since I was so close to finishing the first draft. I have finished it an started to edit and polish everything starting at the beginning. So have a read, it does need more tweaking even my revised 1st chapter I noticed quite a few things I want to change. The 2nd chapter will not match up because I have cut the paragraphs a bit shorter even though I see it still needs to be even shorter. So slowly but surely I will get to all the books on my watchlist and also upload the revised edition.

This caught my attention due to the interesting premise. I've read the first chapter and I think you have the beginnings of a great story here. I do agree with another comment here that each section (say, a few paragraphs) could easily be fleshed out to chapter-length, as you tell us what happened in Gabriel's past without letting us see the events for ourselves. That said, you write very well, and this is only one opinion.

Gabriel is an intriguing main character, and I'll be back for more to find out about the role of the angels. A great start, and I'm sure this'll do well!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

This could be turned into an epic tale. You've got a diamond in the rough but I won't lie to you, there is a lot of rough....

thank you so much I love to hear feedback and believe me I know there is a lot there. I definitely intend to do a lot of cleaning I just want to finish it all first before I start to comb through it and polish it up. :-)

This could be turned into an epic tale. You've got a diamond in the rough but I won't lie to you, there is a lot of rough.
I clicked on this book at random and within the first few lines knew you had a spark of brilliance buried deep in your text. It needs work and you shouldn't give up. The hardest part about a brilliant idea is turning it into a book. the idea is there and needs to be dug out. It's heavy reading because you have tightly packed so much into each and every sentence.
Your book could easily be turned into several stories.
Here is what I think you've done. The story, as I'm reading it, is a skeleton of a book. you've put the idea on paper and now need to extract the book from it.
Each paragraph is actually a full chapter. take the first one as an example, save that paragraph as it's only document and hit the enter key after each sentence. Then instead of "telling" us what happens in that sentence, turn it into an event. you'll find every single sentence can be quickly turned into 5-6 line paragraph.

Again, brilliant storyline and a real diamond in the rough. I loved it.

Hi RM,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. I’ve been getting over illness....
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Thank you so much yeah it's the first draft so even reading it over myself I want to change half of what's there. I just try to restrain myself from doing it until I'm done. I'm so sorry if I haven't gotten back to you I've been away from the site due to my day job but I INTEND to read every single book on my wishlist it just may take some time LOL.

Hi RM,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. I’ve been getting over illness. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
“In the beginning”
That first line could be scrubbed a bit. It’s a bit wordy. Maybe, “Gabriel finally knew why he was different, but still had a hard time accepting (“it all” is so weak. What is he accepting? His new responsibilities? Be a little more specific here.)”
“There he stood in the moonlight” Again, unnecessarily wordy. Drop “There.”
“that he had never been cold” should be “when”
A great start. Good pacing and a strong MC. My biggest suggestion is to scrub for readability and try to whittle down the wordiness.
Best of luck with this. It’s an enjoyable read and I can see it doing very well here.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I nearly put off reading your book due to the lengthy paragraphs but I forced myself and I was glad I did, although only read first chapter. Its a great story.

Thank you perhaps I should cut down on the paragraphs to make it a little more manageable. I've just been trying to avoid editing to keep my focus on writing. Thanks for your comments I will get to reading a bit of yours later today.

I nearly put off reading your book due to the lengthy paragraphs but I forced myself and I was glad I did, although only read first chapter. Its a great story.

Rickard,
...
Well done so far, I have starred this well. It will remain on my W/L as I intend to complete!


Jayne

Thank you I started reading yours yesterday as well I can't remember if I left a comment yet. I love the feedback I just want opinions right now and from a reader that is great feedback it helps me know if I'm completing my objective. Let me know what you think when you get further ;0) as will I.

Rickard,
Before I make any comment I always tell the writer that I am new to this, so I comment ony as a reader. I don't comment on punctuation, typo's etc because I'm not qualified to.
Well, I read the first 4 chapters and think you have made a fabulous start. The intro in the woods, where we find that children have vanished, instantly adds an element of mystery. It's your hook, the reader wants to know what's happened to these kids.
You also give us a good backround on Gabriel, introducing us to his foster parents and troublesome past in chapters 2 and 3. All the way along you remind us that he has a dark side.We see it once when he with no fear, takes on the older children. I like that it makes me keen to read more.
You are a very descriptive writer, some of your descriptions, especially about Gabrielle himself are quite poetic. His need for adoption also lets us see a certain vulnerability in his character. He may come accross as bigger in physique and bravery (in facing the seniors when the others wouldn't) but deep down he is sensitive like any teenager.Or is he?
You have kept me guessing and I will have to read on, I know a dark side exists but how will this show itself, is he behind the kids vanishing?
So far so good, you have held my attention, you have created a strong central character and a plot that is smooth and pacy.
Well done so far, I have starred this well. It will remain on my W/L as I intend to complete!


Jayne

Hi, Rickardo. I tend to comment chapter by chapter, so I'll give you my opinions on your first one...

Awesome thank you so much :0) lol we have that in common about the commenting chapter by chapter and I'm glad my comments helped you. Your comments are awesome I just want feedback and opinions so this is great. The first few chapters are a little rough and I plan to upload a few more today.

Hi, Rickardo. I tend to comment chapter by chapter, so I'll give you my opinions on your first one. I liked your story and your main character. I also like the premise as I've written a fantasy story a while back with a religious edge to it (not religious as such, but the mythological side behind Catholic traditions). So, I thought you had a good main character, a good concept, and an interesting storyline.

My suggestions mainly relate to the structuring of the chapter. I tend to like large paragraphs broken up so it's easier to read, even more so when reading off a computer. Also, the dialogue needs to be separated, such as seen in the scene with the bullying seniors.

My other suggestion would be to take out the mention of Gabriel being rugged, because in the same paragraph it was mentioned that he was a picture of elegance, which don't go together. Plus, the second mention of him being movie star like could also be taken out since it was mentioned near the beginning. And purely on a minor point, there were a few fullstops not needed after exclamation and question marks.

What I've suggested above are easily fixed, and the main thing is you have a story here that is good. I think teenagers would like this especially. I'll leave another comment when I've read the next chapter.

All the best, Marita. P.S. I appreciate your comments on my book, they were very helpful. Hope mine are useful too :)

Hiu Rickardo
I enjoyed reading this first section - I think you have given us a nice introduction ...

Derek
The Angel Chord

Thank you so much for the feedback and some of your suggestions are exactly what I had in mind. I really appreciate your suggestions and I will be making the changes.

Hiu Rickardo
I enjoyed reading this first section - I think you have given us a nice introduction to your young protagonist Gabriel and set him up as something or someone to be reckoned with - always good protagonist material so well done.
Here are my suggestions:
The intro starts with him jumping out on someone (we dont learn who altho Im guessing we will eventually) but then it just drifts into a backstory - found this a bit confusing. Maybe you could tighten the transition a bit?

I think you should cut the second mention of him being "Hollywood movie star type and muscular and athletic" - it just felt like repetition and never added to his characterisation.

"The darkness of the night was starkly contrasted by the moonlight fighting to illuminate the darkness." I would drop the second mention of darkness in this sentence - and use another word ? "shadows" or something.

"In fact it had only been the first day of high school when Gabriel and a few of his elementary school friends made their way through the hallways". This sentence didnt make sense to me Rickardo - It had only been the first day when - something happened? It felt like it needed a punchline at the end of this sentence and instead you just went on to a new paragraph. ? Re-word it.

the paisleys - one mention of it is missing a capital P.

"It had only been since landing in Beacon that he actually used his athletics" - think it
would scan better as "his athleticism"

Hope these make sense and are helpful Rickardo. I have starred and added to my watchlist and I will read more and comment for you as I go on. Good stuff.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Hi R.M.,
What a good story. You're writing flows really well. Your characters are very well established and the story fantastic. I'm giving your book a high rating and putting it on my watch list. The only thing you might want to consider is breaking up the paragraphs, so they change with the action and the people you're focusing on.
I hope you'll come over and read some of Stopped Cold. I'd love it if you could back it.

Hi R.M.,
What a good story. You're writing flows really well. Your characters are very well established and the story fantastic. I'm giving your book a high rating and putting it on my watch list. The only thing you might want to consider is breaking up the paragraphs, so they change with the action and the people you're focusing on.
I hope you'll come over and read some of Stopped Cold. I'd love it if you could back it.