History Should Never Repeat Itself...

good premise, but you leave us to much to imagine. we need more detail, more setting so we can relate....
j

Hi Pauline,

Read the first few chapters. Like your concept, and the writing is good enough to keep me going. I liked both Eli and Ayane as characters...and want to know what happened to put them on the road. Couple of quick suggestions:

"...Something, however, that was far to impossible..." I think you mean far too impossible.

Again, good story concept, I like the writing...best of luck here.

"...We will live through this. If only to insure..." I think you mean ensure...at least that's the way it would be in the USA.

All the resourcefullness and cunning in the world couldn't have saved Ayane given the pedigree of dangers including chlid abandonment and suicide. Nice plot developing so many twists and turns, potentialy enough to carry each chapter forward that a good comphrehensive use of description is unnecessary and excess baggage. Some parts are tedious however and I found it a struggle to enjoy them. When the tempo is reduced somewhat from story line to the basic things like finding a room for the night or sitting at a table eating. Some of it is handled well but most of the time the story drops off. The most notable being the burial of Ayane herself. The emotions were lost, the story at this point could have eclipsed a hungry appetite in a foreboding land that desired death, as a brother buried his sister. But the most poignant action seemed to be, what spades we use to dig the grave. It was a disapoint for me in an overall excellent plot. Just need to tighten those writing skills to bring the reader more into the story. Paint the picture and have no fear of the repercussions ie making the editors desk.

I'll give you six stars for the great plot.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility.

Interesting.

I found the first chapter overbearing.

The relationship between Eli and Ayane was nicely shown.

Descriptions are entirely lacking. In three chapters, you have not shown setting. What do people look like? What era are we in? What is the culture like? what do people eat?

Your hero has stereotypical green eyes.

Are the mashup of names intentional? It was distracting. Eli is Jewish. Ayane is Japanese. What sort of world are we in?

you use a lot of 'as' constructions. It makes the prose stilted.

On plus side, you show emotions well. The hard part of fiction is done. You got the reader emotionally engaged.

Pauline,

I started reading your first chapter. It occurs to me that you do what I have been accused of doing, too much telling instead of showing. Let me demonstrate:

"As he waited, Eli took a look at the clearing..." You don't need to say that Eli took a look at the clearing, instead: "Eli waited. In the fading light the clearing looked most peaceful..."

"He could hear as the parents called for..." Instead try something like this: "As night fell and Eli neared the town, parents could be heard calling for their children to return."

"He silently watched Ayane sleep. Watching as the moon..." could be "He silently watched Ayane sleep, the cool moon creating gentle shadows that fell softly across her face."

I spotted a couple of small errors too:
"...if only to insure you see a brighter world..." should be "ensure"

"Smiling down at her, Eli walk through the door..." should be "walked"

Best wishes
Warrick

Pauline,

A thought occurs to me immediately. Don't tell the reader that this is not a story of love and that this is not a story where the hero conquers all. Ask the question, leave it un-answered, let the reader wonder:

Would you read this if it was not a love story? Does love conquer all within these pages? Nothing is that certain in this world.
Are you hoping for a hero to triumph over all adversity? Are you looking for a happy ending? There are no such promises here.
Read on if you are prepared for the unexpected!

I'll now move on to your first chapter.
Best wishes
Warrick

Pauline,

I read through CH07. Some last night, and then came back for more today (which is always a good sign). The end of CH03 is so sad... and just dripping with emotion. I was actually in full denial until Elijah woke in CH04 and it was all confirmed. So a little heart-wrenching to say the least! Whilst saddening, this did give me a good connection with Eli, and set’s up his vengeful warrior status beautifully. Well done :)

Having Eli see ‘himself’ kill Ayane provides a great hook. I love the way you’ve left the reader guessing here, and for me there are a few ways it could go: time travelling (in a ‘butterfly affect’ to save future events style), or Eli’s dreams actually manifesting – either of these works. The memory flashbacks are a fantastic way of building on the plot, and a clever way to avoided summarising. They are also placed perfectly within the MS. CH07 for example, is my favourite one (love Berserker BTW). Providing a reason why Malik behaves as he does; this gave the character instant ‘depth’ in my mind, and (like Eli) reader connection. I also got a great visual of the environment (lord-of-the-ringy) whilst reading. And I’m left wondering who the babe is in CH05, though I have my suspicions (sooo many hooks).

Crit wise; it could do with a few more genres perhaps; maybe ‘suspense’, ‘thriller’, or 'YA'? And I noticed a few typos which I’ll drop you in a message.

In summary: very moving, holds a great pace, and an intriguing developing plot. The start of an epic adventure me thinks - fantasy fantastic :)

I've WL’d and very highly starred!

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Hi,
I just read your very interesting first chapter. Your writing pulls me in, making me wonder what has happened and what is going to happen. I like the idea of the wind. I'm giving your book a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you can stop by to read some of Stopped Cold and will feel you can support it.

Wow, this is ectastic! You really play with words!Great.
Read chapter one to three and thought what? a story about history.Its great. Highly rated. Will watchlist and read more when I can.Best of luck.
Josphine
Notime goes bye