Unbound

I can't crit. this, I think it is excellent. I love your writing style, effortlessly creating the flat share scene, the school scene and I love the neat little phrases, 'the shifty crab on a spy mission' and 'For someone who didn't have a malicious bone in her body she could do a lot of damage'.
I think your main strength is creating the chemistry between the characters (I'm trying to write something like this myself at the moment and I'm struggling, so I really admire the way you have done it). I could just feel Sol's magnetic attractiveness to Mara and their dialogue was very clever. I liked the chocolate motif, though it's unlikely to be what he meant by darker. You do it again in a slightly different way when introducing Selden.
Plot sounds interesting and I would definitely buy this to read in comfort, on the strength of having read the first chapters.
High stars and staying on my watchlist.

Hi Annette,

I had to laugh when Marc slipped in the tub. With everything going on in the apartment with Mara, this was really the last thing she needed. This part made the characters come to life even more! (Hairballs) Love it! The scene in the apartment was wonderful. I loved the pace and chaos. Poor Richard. He is trying so hard. I love Mara, too. Oh wow, I am claustrophobic too!... What a writer you are! I have no problem with your dialogue. Love the end of chapter 5! Next... Chapter six--- You captivate the reader with the inner and outer voice. Mara never has a dull moment that's for sure. :) Annette, even Selden knows when a bore is a bore! The appearance of the woman Mara has to put up with for the night is enough to make you want to run. Aw, poor Richard. He may have just been banned from The High table. ...oh well....Oh pooh. Decisions because you feel guilty is never a good thing. Chapter 7 -- Oh, You have done a good job with this mom! Going to Chapter 8! Aw, how many times have I caught teenagers writing notes..Annette, I am so involved. Have not found any errors...I think. (Nope, not one.) Somebody is talking to me. (No I'm not.) Okay, be quiet. I am reading. Chapter Nine -- I like chocolate. ---I adore how you flow from one subject to the next with such ease. Okay, I am making myself stop here. I will return to complete, soon.

You are by far one of the most top- talented writers I have found on here. The publishers should be fighting for you. It is awesome! This is a different type of romance story. All ages will adore your characters. Your book will appeal to all. The characters spring to life. I have laughed and wanted to shake one or two. You receive six sprinkle of stars for this well crafted piece of work! Well Done!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

You've really mastered this genre, from what I can see! If someone drops by looking for some classic romance your book will suck them right down the rabbit hole! You deliver the goods right from the start, with no space wasted. Your actions and descriptions are well crafted, and both inner and outer dialog flow smoothly. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Annette, this is a terrific book! I love it, and I can't stop reading it. I love Mara, and I am torn because I like Richard and yet I can feel that she is struggling to go ahead with the marriage. I am desperately curious about her past, and you've managed to make Selden as fascinating to me as he is to Mara. Kudos, six stars, will back soon!!!

Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man)

Annette, what a fantastic story! Splendid! Beautifully written, superb descriptions, great start, emotionally powerful, memorable characters, right pace, smooth writing, impeccable. Your author voice is immediately apparent. I don't want to be a spoiler, so I won't comment on the intriguing plot :) except to say that I loved it!
T. Donna Robison
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Hi Annette
Have now read chapter 3: sophisticated dialogue and great ease to the writing but possibly too stretched; as the kitchen fills with characters every single detail of breakfast is investigated. But, nonetheless, excellent pace and humour - as frothy as the cappuccino: 'I reveal mystery man's identity, and you ask prosaic questions.' 'Come in formal attire, we've got company.' etc . And you have a well-ranging and interesting lexicon, helping to create, as I've said, good rhythm and pace. You remain on my watchlist: I'd really like to read on. Are you putting more up?
Best wishes for now, Robert

Hi Annette
So far, I've read the first couple of chapters. Just excellent rhythm and pace and very convincing dialogue - as someone else has said, you create good chemistry between your characters. Though I found the beginning slightly unconvincing: why Mara was so like a rabbit in headlights over this man? It will doubtless be explained but some background needed, right from the start, I feel, without obviously upsetting the dynamic. But on my watchlist. Good luck
Robert

your narrative style flows well and is honest- a charming tool that works...
backed...
SEASONS...

Annette, I don't know how I missed this before. It's just my sort of thing.

I read the three chapters currently uploaded and would have read on, were more available.

Mara's attraction to Sol is strong and enigmatic. Richard feels like a wet blanket in comparison to him but also to Mara's flatmates. I liked the chaos of the house and the relationships between the flat mates. I want to read-on to see what brought Mara and Richard together and how there will be conflict in her choice between the two men. Sol and Selden's names are very close. The nightmare doesn't reveal whether Selden's body was found so I also want to read on to find out more about that.

The narrative has enough description to fill in details but it isn't overdone or flowery. There are some lines that stuck with me - the spy crab for one - and some that had me laughing out loud - Marc in the bath.

An enjoyable, easy-to-read opening.

This ménage à trois like story is full of both human passion and frailties. It constantly borders on the tragic but Annette has been smart enough to avoid a total downer by adding some humour here and there. This is good because few lives are fully consumed in either tragedy or humour. They always tend to be a mix of the two with huge dollops of love and hate thrown into the mix. Unbound is very real in that respect. It has been well crafted to produce a flowing narrative, sparky character development and arresting scene descriptions. Highly starred and WL'ed. Will end up on my bookshelf.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

I can't crit. this, I think it is excellent. I love your writing style, effortlessly creating the flat share scene, the school scene and I love the neat little phrases, 'the shifty crab on a spy mission' and 'For someone who didn't have a malicious bone in her body she could do a lot of damage'.
I think your main strength is creating the chemistry between the characters (I'm trying to write something like this myself at the moment and I'm struggling, so I really admire the way you have done it). I could just feel Sol's magnetic attractiveness to Mara and their dialogue was very clever. I liked the chocolate motif, though it's unlikely to be what he meant by darker. You do it again in a slightly different way when introducing Selden.
Plot sounds interesting and I would definitely buy this to read in comfort, on the strength of having read the first chapters.
High stars and staying on my watchlist.

This is written well and flows even better. I love the dialogue between her and Jed in the first chapter, it is delightful. I smiled through the entire chapter. But ending on a cliffhanger was confusing since I didn't know who Selden was (it was in the pitch but I had forgotten). I didn't get a lot of depth from the characters, didn't feel like I knew Mara, just knew what she was feeling. Nonetheless, the book was very enjoyable.

Great job. Many stars.

Abby

Hello, Annette, finally got round to dropping you a comment. I must say, I was intrigued with your pitch. You have a fresh and interesting idea for a book here. First off, good opening to your first chapter. It sets the scene very well; we are instantly intrigued as to who this mystery man is.

You have some cracking one-liners here. I particularly liked, 'A shifty crab on a spy mission'. You have a really nice way with words. Great descriptions, too. I think your strong point is with dialogue. The speech is flawless; there wasn't a single instance where it felt forced or untrue. Great MC, too. Mara is well fleshed out and believable.

I don't really know what else to say. I didn't notice any typos, etc; it's very polished. Will definitely be back to read more of this when time permits.

Highly starred and I wish you all the best with this. Well done!

Annette, I've now read the first three chapters. This is such a treat - extremely well-constructed, engaging and entertaining - with quite a delicious sense of humour underscoring Mara's dilemmas. In fact, it's such accomplished writing, I'm struggling to find anything constructive to suggest, but I did notice two things in chapter 3 you may want to consider. Espresso is a style of making coffee, not a brand, so it doesn't need a capital 'E'. And I think I'm right in saying that 'week end' and 'week ends' are usually written as one word. Very high stars for now, and I look forward to getting to know Mara et al even better!
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

Hi Annette, I read chapter 5. I found it easy to read, easy to follow and the characters are very well crafted. The story itself intrigues me, I love your pitch. I am not sure I have seen anything like this before and I think it will be very popular. You have a great skill writing and the dialogue was brilliant. I noted a nit-pik, I hope you don't mind: '...Diet or no, you've managed to skip breakfast...' (I lost it and found it again, luckily) I think it should be '...not...' This is very good and is likely to be highly rated very quickly.

Kindest Regards and best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

Hello again Annette.
Chocolate, coffee, let's eat, more chocolate, coffee, tart. This woman is obsessed with food and caffeine.
The thought of being bought a house without any of the hassle involved is a dream. The thought of it being in close proximity to my own mother and my inlaws, Ahhhh I'd run a mile and be extremely pissed off.
Mara seems quite a disturbed person. We get them impression that something truly terrible has happened in the past. It has something to do with Selden, but what could be that bad. All the memories she has, so far, seem quite delightful.
Later Selden is there all the time, interupting her concentration, to the point that his imaginary voice
overrides real voices.
I didn't read all you uploaded. Only because there was so much of it. I'd take so long to get back to you. I will keep it on my watchlist and catch up with it another time.
It's well written and edited. I spotted no typos.
Highly starred and good luck.
Jesamine.'Northampton, Lime and Time Alone.'

I did not read the pitch for this book. I don't like to know in advance. I have looked at it since writing my review and I'm glad I hadn't read it. I'm glad I didn't know that Selden had drown. The same as Richard doesn't know.

Hi Annette,

I had to laugh when Marc slipped in the tub. With everything going on in the apartment with Mara, this was really the last thing she needed. This part made the characters come to life even more! (Hairballs) Love it! The scene in the apartment was wonderful. I loved the pace and chaos. Poor Richard. He is trying so hard. I love Mara, too. Oh wow, I am claustrophobic too!... What a writer you are! I have no problem with your dialogue. Love the end of chapter 5! Next... Chapter six--- You captivate the reader with the inner and outer voice. Mara never has a dull moment that's for sure. :) Annette, even Selden knows when a bore is a bore! The appearance of the woman Mara has to put up with for the night is enough to make you want to run. Aw, poor Richard. He may have just been banned from The High table. ...oh well....Oh pooh. Decisions because you feel guilty is never a good thing. Chapter 7 -- Oh, You have done a good job with this mom! Going to Chapter 8! Aw, how many times have I caught teenagers writing notes..Annette, I am so involved. Have not found any errors...I think. (Nope, not one.) Somebody is talking to me. (No I'm not.) Okay, be quiet. I am reading. Chapter Nine -- I like chocolate. ---I adore how you flow from one subject to the next with such ease. Okay, I am making myself stop here. I will return to complete, soon.

You are by far one of the most top- talented writers I have found on here. The publishers should be fighting for you. It is awesome! This is a different type of romance story. All ages will adore your characters. Your book will appeal to all. The characters spring to life. I have laughed and wanted to shake one or two. You receive six sprinkle of stars for this well crafted piece of work! Well Done!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

Hi Anette
I have read through to chapter three of Unbound and must say that your prose run easily across the eye and I really enjoyed your turns of phrase such as ‘A shifty crab on a spy mission’
You are developing a multi-layer story here with a depth of characters that is well thought out and interesting. Your descriptions of Flat share life are realistic and the dialogue in Chp. 3 is particularly well crafted. Jed the supportive friend trying to steer your MC as she makes decisions about life with Richard is very well written.
I can find little here to fault and would agree with one other commentator that this could also work well as a Y/A book.
High stars and will keep you on my watch list.
D.J
The Ghost Shirt

Hi there Annette,

this is to say thank you for reading my book.

I read the first two chapters, sorry I don't have time for any more right now. I liked the contrast between them and the gothic touches of the first chapter giving way to the lighter, youthful touches of the second. You write very well, your dialogue is particularly convincing and I really could picture each character and situation, though you paint with very economical touches.

I read both chapters without having read your pitch. As a result I found your character's extreme behaviour in the first chapter rather hard to fathom and wondered if perhaps you should include some reference to her previously weak mental state which would help to explain her actions. I also found it interesting that you threw us in the deep end, having her already stalking her mystery man rather than starting at the moment she first sees him. I thought this was brave and I liked the immediacy but I also questioned if it would leave the reader desiring more clarity and perhaps make them wonder if you're central character is not a little bit mad! :-)

Overall though there are very few real problems here. Your writing is very consistent and well thought out and you never dwell too long over an issue with the pacing zipping along nicely.

I came across some minor things which I hope will help - though feel free to ignore any you disagree with!

I had come THAT evening to hear her talk
-past tense so it as to be that not this

a shifty crab on a spy mission
-nice

“I know what you’re thinking,”
-how does he know? this was a bit too Twilight for me, I didn't like that he seemed so supernatural. Unless this is a theme of the book that emerges later, it felt rather too unrealistic considering the tone of the rest of what I've read.

“You’re doing an M.A. in Fiction Writing
-too much telling, would be more natural to say an M.A. in writing

you can’t put a mere meeting into words
-repetition of meeting is odd sounding and sounds more like a business meeting here. Better to say a simple/mere encounter, maybe?


But my anger was real, and I was too mortified to let him get off so lightly
-rather an over reaction? Surely she’d be used to her flatmate’s humour

however good a friend HE WAS.
-the neutrality isn’t necessary

Her flatmates have horrid names :-)

skipping forward to one of my favourite scenes.
-is it correct to talk about scenes in books? More part or section? Scene would suggest something visual and physical as in a play or movie

Was it RIGHT to accost him with an apology at this time of night?
-I’d say

For a moment I hoped he would knock on my door. But he passed my room AND ascended the stairs to his bedroom

At the beginning of the second chapter I assumed it was taking place at her uni, perhaps you could do something to make it clearer that we’ve gone back in time to her school days

Sans-Espoir
-ha ha, funny

In the MEANTIME
-more typical

Your mc watches a lot from the corner of her eyes

Provberbial jungle cat
-I’m not sure you can say this as there is no well known proverb about a jungle cat, you say yourself it’s a metaphor that someone used

She gives an incredibly detailed answer – with far more information than the reader needs -to the question of which part of England she’s from. I know you want her to seem nervous but I think it’s a little overboard

Now, before I BOARDED his yacht
-I’d say

I thought I had learned to drown that one out
-unintentional pun? Sounds rather insensitive and potentially funny.

I rushed to the kitchen, WHICH WAS CLEAN…
-otherwise you’re referring to the I of the narrator.

A really intriguing plot which is well handled by a highly competent storyteller. I will star this accordingly and wish you all the best of luck. Maybe once I get to the desk and no longer have to spend all my time returning reads, I will be able to come back and enjoy more!

Best of luck,

Benedict

This is my second attempt to leave a comment as my first disappeared! I'm here for our reading swap.
Really liked your pitch, by the way. It was from reading that I was attracted to your book. Yours is just the kind of book I would pick up in a shop and I really enjoyed reading the first chapters. I thought your characters were real and believable and I like the Seldon/Sol character and the intrigue they bring, matched with the mc's doubts about her impending marriage to Richard. I also loved the way you interweave her past story with the present. I think you handle the pace well - there is enough intrigue at the start to carry the reader through and I would be happy to read on.
I shall return when I have more time. In the meantime I shall place on my WL and star highly.
Great stuff.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

You've really mastered this genre, from what I can see! If someone drops by looking for some classic romance your book will suck them right down the rabbit hole! You deliver the goods right from the start, with no space wasted. Your actions and descriptions are well crafted, and both inner and outer dialog flow smoothly. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Unbound

First of all, that’s a smart front cover. There’s the normality of the cityscape with a touch of supernatural from the moon. Both your pitches are good - I especially like the short one and they’re hard to get right.

Ch 1
“a shifty crab on a spy mission.” This is unusual - I like it.
“leaving a void so tangible..” Can a void ever be tangible?
“tasted tears on my lips” I like this too. Crying is difficult to describe in a fresh way and I think you’ve managed it.
“he had flung on his jacket” and “I threw on my jacket” are quite similar. I think one of them ought to be changed to something simpler, like “I put on my jacket” or better, taken out altogether.
“It remained stubborn in its refusal to bring back Jed.” Very nice.

Ch 2
I like how you have moved into the past without explicitly saying so, and yet it’s still easy to follow.
The dialogue in this chapter is good - and Elizabeth’s personality comes across well. Seldon is frustratingly silent, but I guess that’s deliberate.
I like that one of the students tries to impress their French teacher with the news that she’s been speaking…Spanish.

Ch 3
Jed makes the link between the suffocation dreams and the feeling of suffocation Mara gets from the idea of a perfect life with Richard, which is clever.
“kept a couple of vases in a shelf” Maybe “on a shelf”?
The references to the food and coffee in this chapter are possibly a bit too frequent.
I really dislike Richard! I entirely don’t want Mara to marry him.

Possible Spoiler Alert
At this point, I think Seldon Durante and Sol Daunter might be the same person, especially because their relatively unusual names are anagrams of each other. Mara’s attraction to Sol (if this is the case) is interesting because it consumes her so much when she sees him although she obviously doesn’t know who he is.

There’s lots to enjoy here and although the pace slows down a bit over the breakfast table, the mystery surrounding Sol and Seldon and Mara’s doubts over her impending marriage to Richard keep it interesting and engaging. Highly starred.

Lucy

{Unbound} – Annette Russell

I’ve only read the first chapter so far but will come back again soon!
Loved the premise, and a great opening to set the mood and foundation of the story. I like the sensual scene as Mara gazes into those eyes up close like ‘bitter chocolate… Darkest Arriba cocoa’. In fact, I loved this so much I would even shift this moment and place it right at the very beginning, just a thought? Grab immediate attention more?

The first person works well positioning the reader inside Mara’s head, and it’s great seeing the world from her eyes. I also liked the dialogue with Jed – this is well handled and I can imagine the scene perfectly.
Playful in moments, but balanced by her deeper emotions; I liked the final section and when she is in the bath ‘lying back for a soak, without having to feel the grime of past ablutions rub against my skin.’ The tranquil moment is then pierced; you do a good job of making the tension ebb and flow throughout the piece.

A small note in the pitch… I wasn’t sure about ‘follows Mara Fuller as she tries to want to marry Richard’ perhaps as she ‘forces herself to desire marriage with Richard,’… Hmm… it just felt a little wordy to me and I had to reread it to make sense of what you were meaning.

Apart from that – nice polished writing and if this continues, with the promise of your pitch, I’m sure this will unfold nicely! I also loved the image; ‘a shifty crab on a spy mission’

High stars for now and on my watch list to read some more :) Have a fabulous day and thanks so much for your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’

Cara

Annette;
I read the first three chapters and only stopped because it's late and i have to work in the morning.
I enjoyed your writing style and was instantly intrigued by the mysterious stranger at the reception.
You set your scenes very well and I felt like I was an observer in Mara's kitchen (Kind of like the fly on the wall) in the morning. I think you have the talent to make your readers feel the emotions your characters are experimenting...For example Jed's confusion and concern when Mara overreacted after the event.
I give this a high rating and keep it on my WL until I can get back to it.
Best of luck to you;
Elke
'Ella In Between'

I have rated your lovely book seven stars.

Isoje David

Animals in Paradise

You have an easy to read and interesting story. You present your characters well and the dialogue between them is perfect. I liked your tone and your voice. You have great word choice and sentence structure. Your writing was clean and smooth. Great job. 6 stars. Lacy

Annette, this is a terrific book! I love it, and I can't stop reading it. I love Mara, and I am torn because I like Richard and yet I can feel that she is struggling to go ahead with the marriage. I am desperately curious about her past, and you've managed to make Selden as fascinating to me as he is to Mara. Kudos, six stars, will back soon!!!

Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man)

Not the type of book I’d normally read, Annette but I have to say I really enjoyed your opening chapters.

The writing feels very polished with almost no typos/formatting problems/grammar slips ups to interrupt the flow. The prose feels energetic and characterful and there are some wonderfully original, often very funny turns of phrase/descriptive passages. I do think, however, especially for a modern, first person narrative, it feels ever so slightly overwritten in places and would benefit both from paring back some of the more elaborate descriptive flourishes and using more conversational, almost chatty vocab/phrasing, but that’s just my personal preference.

Clear and purposeful dialogue. Mara comes across as an extremely likeable, complex, appealingly flawed main character, someone the reader can quickly empathise with and root for.

The chapters themselves seem very well structured with a good blend of action, dialogue and character introspection and cleverly underplayed plot hooks to encourage the reader to read on. The plot as a whole feels well thought out and original and, with its mix of mystery, romance, drama, pathos etc – coupled with the nicely judged moments of restrained comedy – should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

In short, a very stylish, unusual, thought provoking piece of romantic fiction. Highly starred and kept on my watchlist so I can read on.

Thanks and best of luck. P


I made some notes on the opening chapter as I went along. Feel free to ignore!!

‘a shifty crab on a spy mission’ – terrifically vivid, gently comic image.

‘Guilt, followed instantly by shock…etc’ – following on from the previous sentence, this doesn’t seem to scan??

‘As if – ‘ – maybe use dots instead of dash as Mara’s thought trails off as opposed to being interrupted??

‘turning to pursue her next conversation’ – not sure what this means?? Is she talking to someone else or is she walking away, looking for someone else to talk to??

The prose feels a bit ‘light’ on commas?? eg ‘And [comma] after that [comma] everything turned…’ ‘I added [comma] hopefully’ ‘Above me [comma] the floorboards creaked…’ ‘Eventually [comma] I drifted off…’ etc. An easy fix, tho.

‘There was nothing to it’ – not sure I understand this?? Is Mara saying the meeting with the man will be ‘easy’ or that fate has dictated they should meet and she can do nothing to stop it??

‘Oh hubris!’ – hard to imagine she’d think in these terms?? Maybe make it slightly more natural/conversational?? eg ‘Serves you right for being so cocky!’ or something similar??

‘a ripple of mesmerising blackness’ – love this image.

I like the idea of the ‘deer caught in the headlights’ analogy but it does feel slightly clichéd??

‘You mean – are we talking about…etc’ – terrific dialogue. Real and vivid and says so much about Mara’s character.

‘my impending departure’ – again, this feels far too formal/considered for an internal monologue?? maybe make more conversational/instinctive??

Don’t really see how Jed putting his arm round Mara’s waist ‘eclipses her view’?? Maybe rephrase??

‘her mum’s’ not ‘her Mum’s’

‘a sly look on his face’ – why ‘sly’??

‘at least for the both of us’ – don’t understand this??

‘My tastes run darker than yours’ – really effective. Both seductive and sinister. Clever stuff.

‘relinquished my weapon’ – again, rather stiff/overwritten, particularly for a first person narrative?? why not simply ‘dropped the magazine’ or something similar??

‘I’m sorry. I [dots not dash]’

Much of the phrasing feels rather dramatic, almost melodramatic (leaping up from seats, flinging doors shut, throwing on jackets etc). I think the scenes would have more emotional punch if you toned down the writing slightly, trusted the reader to draw their own conclusions etc. The scenes are very vivid and involving but, occasionally, the writing feels a little overwrought and ends up distancing me from the narrative. Perhaps simplify the language and pare back the prose so the scenes have a starker, more filmic feel and Mora’s ‘voice’ comes across as more natural, less self-conscious etc?? Just a thought.

Donna's told me how much she enjoyed reading your book and I can see why. Great job!
Jim

UNBOUND
This is an intriguing story. All of us have spotted an interesting stranger across a boring reception like happens to Mara – but we don’t move to do anything about it. So I was really drawn into this wondering what it would lead to when Mara has the opportunity to pursue this stranger further. I particularly like your writing style. You know how to “set a scene” with just a few words; let your reader know what is happening; no fear you’re going to bog down the story. I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Hi Annette, I read Unbound a couple of weeks ago but for some reason I didn't post my comments, so here they are.

I really enjoyed reading it. It is well written with some lovely descriptive phrases. I was a bit confused about where Jed fits into the story as he isn't mentioned in the pitch at all but that said, I enjoyed his relationship with Mara.

It's an intriguing plot and I'll definitely be back to read on.

Highly starred.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

You write very well in first person. Your words and descriptions match the characters perfectly. It won't be long before your book is on the Editor's Chart.

Blessings,
Chipper Newman

Hello Annette,
I came across your book on another author's shelf and it caught my interest. I have read the first two chapters and will read on. I am one who ususally reads a whole book because I can't stand to leave a story unread. So I don't stop at one or two chapters, comment and then move on. I just had a couple of things I wanted to comment on now, while it was fresh in my memory.
First, I like your style of writing and how your narritive flows. You master the art of description well. I was able to easily form the pictures in my mind of the scenes you were setting up to bring us through the story. I could not find a flaw in your grammer, you are obviously well educated in writing with proper grammer. (Not that I am an expert by any means).
Second, I have a few critiques that I hope are helpful: In the first chapter, second to the last paragraph the sentence - "Feeling even more lonely than I had (done) before his return.." Should 'done' be "been" ?
In the second chapter - "That's why we were in New Zealand and now we're here" I found my self saying "Where is here?" . I had to re-read back through the chapter to finally realize that here meant Hong Kong? You say "Welcome to Wordsworth International School" , but not where it was located at. I guess I passed over the short quip she threw at Seldon saying "tell us how you're enjoying Hong Kong." It didn't register that she was telling us that was where this was taking place. It is probably just my perference, but I would have like to of known where they were before they started their dialogue about all the different places they had been before they landed there.
Hope that was helpful - now I need to get back to the story!
Good luck and may God bless the sucess of your book,
Lynn

Annette,

I have just enjoyed the first chapter of Unbound.
I really got wrapped up in this. I shared the feeling of confusion that Mara had over the unusual stranger, felt the frustration when Jed would not leave her to deal with her thoughts and the also shared her inability to relax and put the stranger out of her head.
You told us as much as Mara knew, leaving us with exactly the same issues as she.
You write really well and have some excellent dialogue and description to back up your narrative.

Best wishes
Warrick

Hi Annette,
Finally got a moment to read three chapters of "Unbound". I wish I could read more, but Editor's Dsk stress is getting to me.
I like this story, first of all. The setting of how Mara meets the stranger was great. The writing is incredible. I think the best part you wrote in chapter one was, "The sudden sensation in physical activity left a quiet zone in which my thoughts came alive. The fog that sheathed my brain, cocooning me from the perils of my past, grew thin and tenuous. Nebulous memories unfurled. Long confined spectres stepped through the mist, beckoning me to join them..." WOW!
Chapter two was a great intro into Mara's past on how she met Selden. Well done here.
I like the flat mate relationship between Mara and Jed in chapter three. It works out very well. It seems much more interesting than any relationship Mara might have with her fiancé, Richard, but I only read the first three chapters so far.
I like that expression, "Oh sod the toast" :-)
I like the whole room mate situation as well. It's funnier than the old TV show "Three's Company". Lots of interesting events and characters - it's almost like a stage play - right when you want to know more about the mystery man, suddenly comes an interruption, then another, and another. It's great.
I'll definately back it on Monday - after this Desk stress is over with.
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Wonderful cover, taughtly written and an intriguing premise. I'll read more over the next few days and hopefully get back to you.

When I first dived into this I sort skimmed along the first few paragraphs, but there was something there that pulled me in and made me read word for word. Let me just say that I enjoyed the male characters more than anyone else, even though your MC was brillant. There was something so mystifying reading about how Mara met Selden, and so heartbreaking to know what will befall him.

Backed, and I look forward to seeing this grow.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

Dear Annette

I have just read the first three chapters of "Unbound". What a beautifully crafted story you have written. Every word has its place, there is meaning in every sentence, all forming part of a beautifully flowing narrative. There is no awkwardness here, only precisely observed scenes, well judged characters, effortless dialogue. It all adds up into craftsmanship that I am very happy to read.

Your plot is ambitious, but there is no sign of confusion in your writing. At first, I felt this could fit comfortably into YA as well as ordinary chic lit, but now, considering, I think the appeal is fairly universal. Your confidence is unusual and very welcome.

I thought you might like to paragraph your long pitch, to make it slightly easier to read. Also, your cover does not come across well, on an image the size of a postage stamp. You might want to reconsider the pic you choose for Authonomy.

That is all I can crit. Thank you. Six stars from me and WL for now.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Annette, what a fantastic story! Splendid! Beautifully written, superb descriptions, great start, emotionally powerful, memorable characters, right pace, smooth writing, impeccable. Your author voice is immediately apparent. I don't want to be a spoiler, so I won't comment on the intriguing plot :) except to say that I loved it!
T. Donna Robison
(No Kiss Good-bye)

An interesting start , it is nice to read about a real invidual rather than disappearing into some charmless fantasy - there is so much of it aabout at the moment . Watchlisted and starred.Would you have the time to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.