Secret of the Nexus

Christopher,

I've just left the review. I'm leaving this in comments here to alert you with e-mail. I left you a message as well! :)

Have an excellent day! It's a pleasure to support such a great read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

I love books like this, a bit of mystery, history and what else have you got. This didn't read like a prologue, it is very well writtenand full of action. a ver good start.

Christopher,

I had some free time tonight and came to your book for a read. Cara Goldthorpe suggested I come over and I'm glad she did. This is excellent! You pulled me to your work quickly as I read your premise and your Prologue is extremely well done! I like your balance of description and depth and you engage your reader well as we are introduced to your world. I wish I had more time to read tonight and that it wasn't so late, but you are gladly given 6 stars and are on my watchlist so that I can return soon for more!

Have a fantastic night!

Scott, Eden Legacy

Hi Christopher,
I read all of your uploaded chapters and frankly I feel a bit miffed to be left hanging like this! The story is very engaging, the pace is fast and you keep the reader wanting to know more. The only suggestion I would make at this point is be careful with Greg's language. He's something of a specialist, not a street thug, and using words like 'cos' in his vocabularly make him seem young or immature. I think someone in his line of work would be quite reserved and well spoken, particularly when speaking to the police on a case he has intimate knowledge of. There were 2 small errors I noticed - Ch2 (which is CH3 of the upload) has an extra 'and' in the last sentence, and in CH3, the sentence that starts "This is the stairwell... should have 'where' the guard was found.
Great start! I would like to read more!
High stars!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Christopher,

Wow, what a gripping and tense prologue! I am literally on the edge of my seat as I read!

Sad though that Carl died and I am desperate to find out what happens next. Just wanted to comment now before I take a break (unfortunately I have a smelly diaper to change... otherwise I'd go right to chapter one!) so you would not think that I forgot about you!

Ashley

{Secret of the Nexus *Chapter 2*} CP Moore:
I like the calmer pace of this chapter, after all that action it acts as a great contrast. Nevertheless there is a lot of mystery going on and you portray Greg’s puzzlement well. Excellent job!
I have detailed comments for you, alas am getting ‘error screened’ at the moment if my comment is longer than a few lines :S email??
Thanks so much for your patience and ongoing support!
Cara :)

{Secret of the Nexus} – Christopher Moore

Chapter 1:

Wow what an action scene – and what a way to maintain interest after that enthralling prologue! Well done.

I loved your descriptions, and such attention to detail – I almost felt like you must have been a spy or something to write this :P I can definitely imagine this as a movie. Sort of like Indiana Jones but with more modern flair

I also really liked the little reference to a ‘Nazi stolen art stash’! Very original

A few minor extremely nitpicky things I noticed:

Do you mean ‘Standing in front of the case, …’ in the para ‘Partially obscuring Greg’s view…’ – not sure if ‘stood’ is the right tense for this verb here

I’d add comma in sentence as follows ‘Now back on all fours in the ventilation shaft, Greg reached up to his face, pinched the bridge of his nose between forefinger and thumb, and closed his eyes.’

Sentence ‘His descent was noiseless however’, I’d reword to; ‘But despite this his descent was noiseless.’

I’d cut the sentence ‘The office was tastefully furnished’ and simply launch into a description of the office – maybe can mention the ‘tasteful furnishings’ somewhere there. You do such a great job in your descriptions that I don’t think the reader needs to be told here.

I’d remove ‘however’ in the sentence ‘As he began to cross the room…’ I feel the word ‘however’ slows it down and breaks up the tension, right at this pivotal point!

I’d reword as follows to merge these sentences; ‘The impact much greater than expected, Greg realised only too late that Trenchcoat was a man far stronger than he looked.’

I’d say ‘Claw sliced fabric and flesh, and unbearable pain assaulted him.’ → makes more active

Great cliff-hanger to finish ‘And everything went white’ → I love how you say ‘white’ instead of black, which is pretty cliché. New and fresh like all your writing

Anyway hope my humble suggestions are of some use to you, and overall well done
Have a fabulous day and thanks so much for your ongoing support!

Cara

P.s. I’m recommending you to a friend of mine, Collin Tobin (“Human Black Box Project”). Though your books are quite different, I think he might also enjoy your work – especially with the action/spy/thriller touches, your books are similar in that sense :)

{Secret of the Nexus} – Christopher Moore
Prologue:

An excellent, fast-paced beginning to the book. You capture the interest of the reader with the activeness of the scene, and sow the seeds for mystery and conflict. Very engaging, I am sure many readers will rush on into the next chapter! So well done for that, and I’ll be back soon :)

A few editorial suggestions, hope they’ll be useful!

Para 1, I’d say “The trees were getting denser now, making it more difficult to see where he was going.” This eliminates the passive voice ‘was becoming’

I’d add commas and restructure as follows; ‘Aside from the usual animal life common to most European forests at this time of year, Carl could hear nothing. That was actually all the more unnerving, because to hear something… Well, something would indicate that they were nearby. Nothing just meant he didn’t know anything about where they were.”

I’d just say ‘helped his forwards momentum’ instead of ‘helped his momentum and kept him moving forward’ – momentum is to do with motion, so it’s a slightly repetitive component of the sentence. Just saying ‘forwards momentum’ also cuts down the sentence length, making it snappier.

Sentence ‘Approaching the bend of a small stream, Carl heard the familiar…’ the second half reads a little awkwardly.

Next para I’d break the first sentence into two smaller; ‘The shadow suddenly burst from the tree line, smashing into him and sending him hurtling into the stream. He landed painfully on his back, striking his head on one of the…’

Cara

I was drawn in by your obvious command of the language. Your sentences are effortless, with one prepping up the next and flowing together seamlessly. The first chapter is well-written, and kept my interest even though I tend to skip over action to get to the "interesting" parts, like conflict. I like that the doctor died and didn't become some sort of captive, it's a lot more satisfying, because obviously this put a much bigger dent into the plans of the bad guys. The second one takes us to the heart of the novel - the artifact and the way it operates, so it's nice that's it right to the point. Although I'm not sure that the concept fascinates me that much (I used to read a lot of "artifact" books in the past and kind of lost flavor for them), I backed your book because it's obvious you know what you're doing, and it's very nice and refreshing to see something like that on this website.
Best of luck on this and future works!

Elena - "Oko"

Secret of the Nexus has a very powerful beginning with non-stop action.
The fight scenes are very well narrated and I like the idea of Greg being a police investigator at the crime scene he helped create. You have created a good story with plenty of tension to draw the reader forward into the book.
My only quibble is that when Greg first sees Leyana, he assumes she is Ardaf. However two paragraphs later she is suddenly dwarfed standing next to Ardaf - I think you need another paragraph where Greg realises Leyana is not in fact Ardaf.
Otherwise; it all flowed well and I want to read more.

A damn fine read. I nearly dropped my donut!

Christopher, this is a great plot. Just enough suspense and action to sweep the reader along. Your dialogue is masterful! After reading up to chapter 5, I'm eager to find out the tablets meaning and its secret powers. Here's some suggested editing areas:
Chapter 1: Woolen jumper seems like a feminine garment for north American readers anyway…perhaps woolen jacket?
Chapter 3: The wakeup with the claw mark healed is a great scene. When he gets a call from the other building’s occupant and has to clean up fast and appear normal, Greg should require more time span to clean up and come around to the acceptance of a miraculous event. Perhaps he could be in a daze, or walk past the crime scene or at least check his healed claw like scars all day long before calmly meeting the NYP for coffee. His decision to help with the investigation seems to have been made rather quickly too, without much hesitancy or fear of getting caught. But that doesn't detract from the plot overall, it would just improve the quality to it. I highly star your book and waitlist it to shelf soon. I hope you will find time to rate, star, comment or shelf a spiritual thriller that's actually an instruction booklet to play the Game of Life!
"The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind"

Dear Christopher

I have read two chapters of "Secret of the Nexus" and I have to say, even though Sci Fi is not usually my thing - this is good! You have all the ingredients of a great thriller: good plotting, great pace with wonderful hooks at the end of the chapters, believable characterisations and wonderful writing.

The only thing I might suggest is that you comb your MS for repetition and the occasional typo. Some of your passages could be a little punchier, less analytical. But we all have to edit, so all things considered I am happy to give this a high rating.

Good luck!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Christopher,

WOW! What a start, hooked me in straight away. I read through the prologue and chapter 1, and they are both action packed and dripping with suspense. This feels very professional, awesome pace, and you’ve you got the ancient civilisation theme; which is one of my favourites. Incredible MS.

I think... you’ve nailed it, Sir.

Have WL’d and 6 star rated, will be back to read on soon...

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Oh yes, I've read all you've posted and am impressed. Hope to see more and soon.

Very impressive. In your prologue you start in Carl's POV but when he dies, you shift to the other guy's. I think you might need to rethink POV here. Apart from that, the story definitely intrigues. Backed.

Thanks for your early feedback, zenup. I take it you mean as Bowman dies, technically the prologue should end there rather than giving a few moments of activity post-mortem? You might be onto something there - could be prolong his slipping into death just long enough to hear Sanderson's words. Cheers!

Very impressive. In your prologue you start in Carl's POV but when he dies, you shift to the other guy's. I think you might need to rethink POV here. Apart from that, the story definitely intrigues. Backed.