Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 41521
date submitted 21.03.2012
date updated 30.09.2012
genres: Fantasy, Children's, Young Adult, C...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Princess and the Peach

Benedict Brown

A prince, a foundling, trolls, dragons, singing gnomes, a fashion-forward king, bloodsucking pussycats, plenty of princesses and a peach.

 

A nameless orphan is bought from her cruel owners by a band of thieves led by the charismatic ex-pirate, The Great Bartholomew. The gang warm to the young girl as one of their own and to give her a start in the world they teach her how to behave like an aristocrat, talk like a lady and fight for her life.

In the royal palace, Prince Paul wants nothing more than to be a typical teenager. His vain father and demonic mother demand that he marry a pure-blooded princess who will pass the age-old family test and feel a pea beneath seventeen mattresses but Paul is tired of seeing the lines of pretty princesses turned away. He just wants a girl to hold his hand.

To save the kingdom from a very spoilt princess, the two will have to join forces, take a trip to Hell and avoid getting eaten by bloodthirsty monsters and some hideously cute singing gnomes. A unique adventure full of comedy and romance, “The Princess and the Peach” is an untraditional fairytale with a modern attitude that will keep you reading to the bitter, happy end.

 
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tags

adventure, battles, comedy, dragons, dwarves, fairytale, fighting, magic, monsters, prince, princess, romance, trolls

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HarperCollins Wrote

‘The Princess and the Peach’

What a fantastic story. The author has cleverly balanced a parody of traditional fairytales with the creation of an original story. There are some highly engaging characters – such as the larger-than-life former pirate Bartholomew – that are given a sense of realism through Brown’s sharp dialogue and fluent narrative.

Indeed, the book’s characters are probably its biggest selling point. From the Great Bartholomew to Prince Paul’s psychopathic younger brother Buster, the author has developed an army of unique and animated figures. The two protagonists, Prince Paul and Christopher, have strong personalities and individual voices, elements that are often lacking from books in this genre. With heroes of both genders, the book can appeal to both young girls and boys.

Stylistically, switching between the perspective of the two protagonists, Prince Paul and Christopher, works very well, and has been used to great comic effect. The author has a playful and fluent style that makes the book highly readable. The writing also cleverly balances the need to entertain both a young audience and the parents who may be reading to them.

The only real concern faced by ‘The Princess and the Peach’ is whether the path it follows, in parodying traditional children’s stories, is already too well-trodden. There are a few moments where the story edges dangerously close to the obvious influence, Shrek, for instance with the vanity of the King and the prince’s battle with the dragon. The author must be aware that most readers will, whether intentionally or not, associate this story with similar projects, which makes attention to originality a matter of utmost importance. With the many brilliantly unique ideas, characters, and observations in ‘The Princess and the Peach’, the story has the depth and substance to survive a re-think of some elements in order to preserve its own particular novelty.

Of course, this review is based only on what was made available. We would need to see a full manuscript to really judge the marketability of the book – still, this is certainly a strong start.

IamBerry wrote 628 days ago

This story is so bloody perfect it hurts!! I was going to read chapter one to get a feel and now I am on page 7 / chapter 3. I am gigglIng and seriously enjoying the heck out of my self. I freakin love this! You are witty and charming and I will back this until I fInd it in a book store. 6 stars! Okay... Back to reading.

Thank you for offering a trade. I truly appreciate your time!

Sharrie
Splash of Color

Sara Stinson wrote 665 days ago

CHIRG Review

Benedict, I am honored you asked me to read your book! What a winning book! The characters are perfect. They each have their unique personalities. This is one of the best balanced books I have read. Children and adults of all ages will flock to read the story! This story is entertaining, funny, and comical. I laughed out loud when Bart took his time getting dressed for the fight. I had him at hopeless, but he came out of the tent and proudly proved himself! Benedict, you deserve to be in school libraries, public libraries, and private.

Will read more and comment!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

Jed Oliver wrote 713 days ago

Wondrous! Marvelous! Enchanting! This book deserves every superlative I can think of, and perhaps others I haven't learned yet. With writing this good, there is no need for me to wish you good luck. It'll come anyway.
Best regards, Jed Oliver (French Roast and Lingerie) (Saving Bob) P.S. I'd consider it an honor if you'd check out my books when you have a chance.

ELAdams wrote 734 days ago

Here's my YARG review:
Wow- this is pure genuis! I love modern retellings of fairytales with a comedy twist, and from your pitch I knew this was going to be a winner. The humour is spot-on for the target audience, with reinterpretations of fairytale tropes such as slaying dragons and marrying princesses, and the premise makes for an entertaining read. I found it incredibly difficult to fault- the prose is well-edited and flows, there's a good balance of dialogue and description, and I love the characters- Lorena and Bart both had me in stitches! Not a single word is wasted, and the use of the first person voice works perfectly.
I've only had time to read the first three chapters so far, but this is absolutely brilliant- I can definitely see this being a success if published! Six stars, and I'll have to throw something off my bookshelf to make room for this!
Once again, thank you so much for your help with 'The Puppet Spell'.
Emma

Sam Banfield wrote 745 days ago

Ohhh... this is good. Very well done sir! I think I'm going to make some room on my bookshelf for this little gem. Once again I was planning to rewrite some of my book, and authonomy strikes!
I'll post up a YARG review once I've read some more.

Sam
Dead Letter Drop

Sean Paul Murphy wrote 161 days ago

What a wonderful book! I rarely fantasy because the authors tend to take their imaginary world far too seriously, and usually spend endless time setting up the environment. Mr. Brown does a great job here. He jumps right into the story and allows us to find our footing with the action. The book captures your attention from the first few lines and keeps you gripped throughout. Most importantly, the book is very funny. I found myself smiling throughout, and occasionally laughed aloud. It has the charm and spirit of "The Princess Bride." I have no criticism. In fact, I am genuinely surprised it has not been published yet.

Sean
http://authonomy.com/books/56286/the-promise-or-the-pros-and-cons-of-talking-with-god/

sword of fire wrote 286 days ago

Just finshed what you haave written of the book. I really enjoyed it. I can't wait to find out what happens to Christina (Christofer- did I spell that right?). Do they escape from the harpies? Do Christina and Paul stay married? Does Christina fall for Paul or do they al least get along really well together?
I'll send you my address. Can't wait to get the rest
Sword of Fire

craneyi wrote 391 days ago

The more I read, the more I like it. This seems to me to be very visual and I can well imagine this as children's theatre or TV.

Having only read the 1st chapter, I don't yet know why you have chosen the title you have. Is there any other more original title that would be appropriate?

Cheers

margaret c wrote 502 days ago

Hi Benedict,
I have just published The Magic Kingdom' on Amazon. I want to say a very big thank you for all your help and the feed back you have given me. I had great difficulty replacing my new edits and the first chapter on Authonomy, and still can't do it and I have tried several times. I wish it was a bit easier to do. I will hope to return in the near future with my second book as I think it is an amazing site. I wish you well with all you do and great success with your writing. MERRY CHRISTMAS Margaret C.

austenwrit24 wrote 507 days ago

AHh, loved every minute of it! Backing it right now...loved the characters, just the right amount of innocence that makes readers really want to root for them, especially Christopher - and the teaching how to be a lady bit...classicaly amazing...well done! :)

Adriana S.

Racheal McGillivary wrote 530 days ago

Glad to see such a positive review for you from Harper. I'm curious, did they request a full? They editor did hint at the end that it would be nice to see a full. Congrats on your review!

Racheal

Cariad wrote 531 days ago

Not a bad review - are you going to send more?

evermoore wrote 533 days ago

Benedict...Congrats on the review! I'm so tickled for you...and know I'll be finding this in the bookstores soon!

((hugs))
Linda, Children Walking with Jesus
Daniel Simmons Journey

superostah wrote 538 days ago

I can definitely see why you made it to the editor's desk with this gem. From the start you get the feeling an amazing adventure awaits the nameless heroine. The magical world that unfurls as you read through the first few pages is incredibly well developed through a healthy dose of pre-developed creatures and the addition of a few new ones to keep things interesting.

I'm only through the first chapter, but I'll definitely be back to read more.

Andrea Taylor wrote 541 days ago

Loved this book, right from the start. A sure winner!

kegoff wrote 545 days ago

A great story, very funny and engaging. I loved how you used the dual perspectives to augment what we thought about Paul especially, and how you played off of that with Christina. I laughed very hard when, after hearing Paul go on and on about how he just knew Christina was his soulmate and they were madly in love with each other, Christina reveals to us that she finds Paul to be a creeper and an idiot.

That said, while Paul's character was noticeably augmented by this, as in, his character was quite different from how he presented himself, you didn't really do that with Christina, which I think is a missed opportunity for further hilarity. She remains pretty true to how she sees herself. What she remains as is a very likable character, and her dry humor certainly made her my favorite, but considering how brilliantly you handled Paul (and even Queen Monica ended up seeming like not a total... "witch"... in the end), I think this might be a lost opportunity with regard to Christina's character.

Very funny story though. I especially loved the banter bits, like with the soldiers when Paul was fighting the dragon. Lorena isn't my favorite. She seems a bit too one-sidedly evil, but considering how Monica did also for a little while, that could just be because we haven't seen her a whole lot, and I haven't read (yet!) passed chapter seven.

This book appears to be going places. Congratulations--it is well deserved!

Katherine

Carlisle Troy wrote 546 days ago

We loved it! We have always loved fairytales (hence the subtitle of our book, The Enchanted Cottage of Oceania: An American Fairytale). You are a phenomenal writer!! The pages turn almost as if by the same magic as the writing itself. Great read!!!!

made wrote 557 days ago

Hello I just want to be honest nothing with the grammar but I just didn't enjoy the story but it was well written so well done in that part in not trying to be a spoil sport or anything just saying what I think of it but hay many great writers had people not liking there work like Stephanie Meyer and jk Rowling.

artifactory wrote 565 days ago

I'm with all the other commentators here. There are no words to proclaim how amazing this story is. You've already used all the good ones! I have got to find out what a 'dandelion clock' is! The characters are amazing and each is so unique and richly textured. Congratulations on the sale of the rights; a film would be spectacular, but I hope this will also be a book so that we have your wonderful voice and imagery to keep.

maretha wrote 570 days ago

CHIRG REVIEW
The Princess and the Peach/Benedict Brown
I thoroughly enjoyed reading all that you've posted. I'm not going to regurgitate what everyone has already said, but I loved the steady dialogue and plot development from the opening line, when you started off with "I" - was immediately hooked and even though this is supposed to be children/young adult, the child in me really enjoyed their adventures throughout. Wicked versus good is well contrasted. That is what we, the readers want. There must always be someone to hate and someone to love. You as a writer manages to do this very skillfully. I would like to read the rest of your story, but fully understand why you removed the final chapters. I did the same.
I wish you all the best on the editor's desk. I've backed "Princess and the Peach" for quite a while, but due to personal circumstances couldn't complete reading up to now So, please accept my almost belated "well done!"
Kindest regards and oh, before I forget HIGH STARS from me. :-)
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Kestrelraptorial wrote 573 days ago

I had a lot of fun reading this story. It's a really cute and funny play on 'the princess and the pea'. The characters were quite entertaining, and many of them a little psychotic. Wonderful, although the plots turned out to be a bit simpler than I expected them to be.

Bartholomew gave Chris a ring that maims and decapitates with the flick of her wrist for her birthday? Wow . . . that's awfully powerful. You know, I kind of expected Chris to lend Paul the ring to kill the dragon with.

I liked the joke in Chapter 17 - "This is the fashion equivalent of the Hundred Years War!" - "In that two-thirds of the population are going to die?" - Ha ha ha. Well, with rulers like them, maybe.

Christopher's training in fighting was pretty cool, and I liked the detailed description of the dragon battle. I thought it was nice how she met Paul - being taken into the palace from the rain and passing the pea-mattress test, then they were just . . . attracted to one another.

Actually, with his family so openly bent on seeing that he dies, I'm surprised Paul didn't very quickly murder them.

I loved how Lorena came back and began to torture Paul and his family. That reminded me of some of the torture scenes in Higurashi no naku koro ni. I wish I could read that last chapters . . .

Jessicaw wrote 573 days ago

Hello again,
I've finished reading the book. Here are my last comments (nothing that would stop a publisher from loving the story, just tiny little things)

Ch 19: Paragraph starting ‘It occurred to me that…’ ‘I doubt as a child picturing my….’ I thought this sentence could be re-worked a little to make it a bit less convoluted. A rare find!

Paragraph starting ‘It was then I realised…’ ‘There was no way it would take them long to get to us’ Again, I thought that this could be re-worded slightly. There’s nothing wrong with it, it just didn’t flow as smoothly as the rest of your writing.

Why doesn’t Princess Christina use her magical birthday ring when the harpies attack? I saw a brief reference to it in chapter 11, but would it not have been useful before then either? (Sorry if simply missed a bit when she really DID use it.)

Ch 11: ‘A great shadow past over us’ Should be ‘passed’.

P. 42 ‘Through the slit in the sky, a gigantic demon was emerging from the fiery recesses of the underworld. Shahryar, the devil’s Punch and Judy man, was in full control.’ Firstly, I thought it odd that something from the underworld would emerge from the sky. Then I wondered if today’s kids will know what you mean with ‘Punch and Judy man’?

The only other comment I’ve got is that the battle went on for quite a long time, and could perhaps be shortened. There’s so much battling the evil creatures in Hell, more battling with harpies and furys, and then more fighting with the necromancer… I still enjoyed the story, but was keen to get to the part AFTER the battle.

Hope you get a glowing review from HP - can't see why you wouldn't!
Jessica

RoyWood wrote 574 days ago

CHIRG Review

Initially I have read chapter 1 and chapter 7 and have shelved the book to read more later.

Excellent. Really well written. Characters are vivid - loved the old man who only ever said 'That's right!' even though he was only in it for a page or two. The gang reminded me of Fagin's band of pickpockets - mischievious but fun and friendly.

I expect this will get published. Best of luck.

Molara wrote 574 days ago

I'm partial to children's books that are funny and yet serious at the same time. I've only read one chapter but I love this already...its funny and the language is spot on, I think my kids would love this. Well done! Will definitely read more of this and comment on the book as a whole.

Molara

Please check out 'YETUNDE' it's a kids book so you may have some advice for me.

Sammi Stone wrote 574 days ago

This is beautiful and no surprises that you are numero uno. Shelved with pleasure.

Sam

evermoore wrote 574 days ago

I've finished the chapters posted and yes, I want the ending. You wrote a tale of whimsy and wit that does make imaginations stir. Thank you for sharing your creative soul with the rest of us mere mortals!

linda
Children Walking With Jesus

Phone Me wrote 575 days ago

Oh my, I adore this. Was having a rotten day but reading this actually made me laugh - out loud. I never laugh out loud at books. It's cute, quirky and hilarious. You had me at lov-er-lee. Your dialogue is really your strong point. Reminds me of some of disneys new, more fun stuff. Great work.

Jessicaw wrote 576 days ago

‘Ello again,
I’ve read up to chapter 14. I’ll keep going, but here are my comments so far. I’ve only found a few, minor things to comment on, but I’m guessing you want to get rid of as many wee mistakes as possible before you get selected for a HP review.

Ch 8: Paragraph beginning ‘I’d heard talk…’ ‘agreed tha,t…’
Ch 9: When you describe the ring, I couldn’t quite picture it, since the description confused me:
‘Placing the loop at its base around my fingers…’ Can you perhaps make this clearer? (There’s of course a possibility that I’m being stupid, in which case – ignore me!)
Chapters 4, 7, 10, 13: These have numbered chapter headings that don’t correspond to the Authonomy chapters.

Still the best thing I've read on this site!
Jess

evermoore wrote 579 days ago

Well...I must say, sir...this is a bit of fun that stirs the imagination! I can see why it's being produced and imagine you winning awards for it. Imagine how I'll sing your praises when I actually read the whole thing! (smiles)

Which I will do before calling it a day, I'm sure!

Linda

Tufan wrote 579 days ago

I've just read the first chapter. What a great opening! I love the way you jump straight into the action and end the chapter on a little teaser.

Dekkle wrote 580 days ago


YARG review.

Hi Ben,

Besides for enjoying writing and reading, I am also an avid gamer. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the game Fable, but your humour is very similar to it, and I’m thoroughly enjoying it so far.

Your story has humour, wit, charm, a vast sense of adventure and is written in such an easy style that one cannot help but continue reading.

I’m actually supposed to be working but instead find myself reading “Miss Christopher” and sitting here with a really silly grin framing my mouth. I feel like I’m ten years old again – it’s the weirdest thing.

I’m going to have to do some work now – but I’ll definitely be back to read the rest. 6 stars and backing – I see now why you’re number 2, but I have no doubt that you should be at the top.

Well done and best of luck,

Dekkle.
Through the Fire

JulieDee wrote 583 days ago

Hi i'm new to this site and just read the first few chapters of your book and couldn't stop laughing, I have to stop writing now so i can back to reading.
Great work ]
JulieDee

lanetdelphinehane wrote 584 days ago

So when I left my first comment, I was conflicted. But now I've read everything you have up, and I've found it to be very enjoyable. My main suggestion would be to have the POV change a little more quickly in places. In particular, the section where Christopher is talking about how awkward Paul is would be a great place to cut her section shorter and bring in Paul's thoughts of how perfect they are and how love is obviously in the air.

eloravelle wrote 586 days ago

I absolutely adore this!

It is as if the characters are coming out of my computer screen, and if this was a printed book, it would be like they were coming off the page.

The dialogue is so hilariously genuine. I love it. The main characters narrative, so good.

I will keep on reading, and can see why this is up there at two on the ED.

-Deborah

lanetdelphinehane wrote 587 days ago

I have to be honest; I haven't decided how I feel about this book yet. Towards the beginning I was ready to write it off as just another princess story, but something made me keep reading. And I haven't stopped... There are many places where I think "how cliche" or "that's overdone", but then I have to remember that this book is being written for a younger audience who will love those very things that make me groan. So I'm currently stuck...

I was going to wait until the end of the book to comment, but decided to give you my impressions as I went along. I hope that was the right choice.

Chris Bostic wrote 588 days ago

Benedict,
Your comments, as promised. I can see why you are rated so highly. The story is very unique, in a surprisingly fun, cheerful way.

“lamenting the ignorance of today’s youth” – that was pretty funny. I like the way the gang bickers over their new robbing line too. There are lots of theatrical, clever moments like that sprinkled throughout.

I made it through Chapter 1 so far, and it was a delightful read. Many, many stars and I’m keeping you on my WL. I’ll try to come back later for more.
Can’t wait to hear what you think about mine.
Best wishes,
-Chris
Fugitives from Northwoods

LCF Quartet wrote 591 days ago

Hi Benedict,
What a sincere style you have when it comes to first person voice. I was planning to read your book long ago but this morning I wanted to thank you for sharing such a great, easy to follow humorous book with us here on Authonomy. I read until Chapter 5 and I'll get back to you with more comments. High-stars and WL"ed...
Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins Ten Deep Footprints

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 592 days ago

I have read four chapters of your book.

Your story has a great sense of humor. I cannot ever imagine eating basilisk, which resembles a lizard-like creature with many sets of legs. Nor I cannot imagine eating phoenix, that great and rare bird. I find the description of Bart being ruthless and gallant at the same time unusual.

You create a curious setting where thieves are actually liked and a real help to Miss Christopher. Interesting twist of the pea fairytale: “The Prince and Princess lived unhappily ever after…”

Thank you so much for sharing your book,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Shoshanna, The Battle: Encountering Supernatural, Captivity, and Return to Eternity

sidecarstar wrote 593 days ago

Only read the first chapter so far but it's witty and enchanting. David

Vikko wrote 594 days ago

Hello. I am very interested in reading your story and critiquing it. It has some siimilarities to my style and interest. Could you please also read and critique my work as well?
Thank you
Vicki L. Burns

Vexgrave wrote 594 days ago

"There's no need for formality. Call me Great." That line had me cracking up!

The image of a troll rocking a gold ring covering his knuckles with the word Troll stamped on it will stick with me forever!

What I like best about your book is that it is just a pleasure to read. I don't know if it just appeals to the exact kind of humor I have or the things I adore or if it is simply excellent! I can't wait to finish the whole thing!

Kevin Simmons
The Smiling Lady

APatterson2012 wrote 598 days ago

Benedict,
What a charming, lovely, wonderful story! I am always a sucker for a good fairy tale and you have perfected it! Well written, wonderful characters....can't stop reading! You are an extremely talented and witty writer and I hope your book goes far so the rest of the world can hear your story!
Best of luck!
Amanda

Kathryn Ferrier wrote 598 days ago

This book is such a delight. I am still laughing that Paul is a disappointment because he has not slain his first dragon. I got pulled into the plot within a few sentences. And traipsing through chapter four I can't stop. It flows so easily. I can find nothing to pick on. The creativity is rich, the characters are formed magnificently... this is a winner. No doubt about it - and placed on my shelf until it wins!
Kathi
Taylor Made

Clare B wrote 600 days ago

What a wonderfully, brilliant written book, the characters are wonderful. Such a creative, imaginative writer. This i beleive will be a hit. I wish you the sincerest of luck and will be backing. I would appreciate you reading a couple of chapters of be the human sunshine, a very small powerful pocket book of inspiration.

Many blessings Clare

Cas Meadowfield wrote 600 days ago

CHIRG
Loved the humour and the mad fast pace. It's a riveting read and thank you so much for sending me the end. You weave to two characters stories beautifully.
Ch1 if she has been chained to a table she wouldn't be able to walk all day... She would need to be carried... Or have sore feet?
Very funny. The gang is full of very strong but different characters
Is 'Passion' needed? Children won't understand...
Ch 2 where did the 'grooms' come from?
Great description of the battle... But where did the axe handles come from? Did the trolls have axes?
The ending 'I will teach you how to kill.' is dark!
Ch3 the description of Thenardier is funny.
Ch4 how sad...
Ch5 'sexy walk' ...what age are you aiming at?
Ch6 Lots of hints and possibilities
Ch12 loved the 'peach' .
Ch20 you're mother.. 'your'

Extra p 49 no he didn't replace the pea with a peach he put the peach under the top mattress. The queen showed the pea...

Hope this helps.
I really enjoyed reading this and it's top of my list to back .
Six Stars
Cas

Gypsy Mermaid wrote 601 days ago

Woot.... a winner for all ages! Must continue reading now.. looking for the Mermaid... wait there is a Mermaid right? *giggle
the Gypsy Mermaid
Sharing Smiles & Giggles

snakey1021 wrote 601 days ago

This is a very fun read. The title totally got my attention, but I was kinda expecting something of a cheap Princess & the Pea rip-off but boy was I mistaken. The characters were unique, fleshed out properly and utterly believable even in this world that is totally ridiculous it is superb. Since I'm new here, you surely set a high bar for comparison and if they rest of the authors are half as good as you are then I will cherish my time here. I'll be reading the whole book, hope you get the time to read mine - will need reads since I just posted chapters of mine. Thanks and I'm already a fan!

Ginger_Girl wrote 602 days ago

Very good book to read. Like your style.

Andy Benson wrote 602 days ago

Backing and reading your book. Very good.

Julie_Undead wrote 603 days ago

You have created a world here that begs you to get lost in it. It is classic fairy tale in the best sense of the word...one I can imagine my great grandchildren reading to their children. I want to hold it in a tattered old binding that smells like it has been in a dozen different attics and basements. You have charismatic, highly developed characters, a world of magical proportion and bewitching storytelling ability that makes me want to carry a copy of this book around in my purse. Unbelievable. 6 stars.

--Julie
Running Home

BillyD wrote 603 days ago

The Princess and the Peach YALF/YARG/CHIRG Review:

Benedict, this is really great stuff. Near perfection. Your book is highly deserving of everything that’s good and I look forward to my children enjoying this (book and movie)! You are very talented and it is an honor to be able to read and review your work.

I must say each and every page I have read so far has caused my to laugh/smile. This is so enjoyable of a read I can just read on and on and on.

Here is a silly review for you to take or leave as you please. I hope something I see can be helpful in some little way. But, honestly...you don’t need me!

I wish you all the best with your work.
Sincerely - David I. Billingham (The Life Inside Maggie Pincus)

Ch 1, pg 1:
Sense of humor wonderful. Reminds me of Robin Hood/Princess Bride feel to it.

I am hearing a male voice coming from our main (girl) character. This could just be me reading it though.

Ch 1, pg 2:
You are building up the emotions very nicely here. The chapter ends with the reader feeling empathetic with the sense of finally feeling at home. Well done. I now feel more connected to the ‘girl’ in your main character.

I am loving the green goo of the piled up bodies of trolls...exactly what one would expect in this situation! :) Imagery great!

Bart the Great is showing us more of his powerful leadership side...helping the reader to see exactly why he IS the leader of the group.

Ch 1, pg 3:

I love this line: ‘My body was changing like it was trying to give me away’.

I also love how she is trying to present more boyish by keeping mud on her face and clothes dirty. haha. There are just some idiosyncrasies that make perfect sense.

The end ‘Then third, most importantly, I will teach you how to kill.’ haha. This is what Bart thinks is most important to learn as a girl. We are seeing even more here about this story and where it’s heading.

You gotta love her name too. Christopher. Very cute quirky piece in the story. Great!

Ch 2, pg 1:

LOL - ‘Her only trouble was that her grandmother was a wicked witch...’ haha. It’s great how you have created this fairy tale world in a way that makes it feel real.

In my desperation to find any suggestions, I could only find a minor grammatical error. But, I am NO genius so take it as you wish. The paragraph that begins “Paul, you are not taking this seriously.....” The end should have a comma after ‘kiss a few frogs,” Mother said.

‘The fact that we live in a palace with see-through walls....’ hahaha. Witty indeed.

Paragraph beginning “You know, Your Majesties,...” Didn’t know but does Your need to be capitalized?

Also “Hmm..We’ll see,” - Does We’ll need to be capitalized?

Paragraph beginning: ‘ They decided that the only....” - is one hundred per cent genuine supposed to be one-hundred-percent-genuine? Also same paragraph: ‘her husband swiftly replied, “Mumble....” Should that be lower case mumble?

Ch 2, pg 2:
should Children be lower case? “...turn to Mother and say, “Children....”

That’s a great line too by the way! ha! “...and preferably locked in their bedrooms” haha.

I am really enjoying the glass walls in the palace. It’s just so good and you are using them with your imagery very well. It never gets old.

2 things: #1. I wonder if ‘bedroom’ should be ‘chamber’ and #2. ‘palace’ should be ‘castle’. Silly little things that perhaps will make no difference at all. Just a thought. I apologise for the pettiness.

“Not now, dear,” my mother said, brushing him aside. “Mummy’s busy.” After ‘aside’ - a comma?

‘as I practiced my sexy walk...” (haha!)

And now we also discover the Queen’s witchy talent of speaking with her mind. Brilliant!

All the very best to you! ~ David

Kate LaRue wrote 603 days ago

YALF/YARG

Chapter 4
This is a royal family that readers can love to hate-the vicious Queen, the fashion-obsessed King, the younger brother scheming to off Paul, and Paul himself, who is pompous enough to fit his nickname, Prince Pants. Paul had to grow on me throughout the course of the book, but that doesn't mean his voice isn't enjoyable to read. I love his interpretations of Maberly's sighs and grunts.

I'm not sure if this is a mistake or if I'm just reading it wrong, but in the paragraph beginning 'On my thirteenth birthday...' Paul explains the dilemma with all the princesses with funny hats and accents, then says 'Fifteen years old and I was already beating the babes off...' Should fifteen be thirteen?

Chapter 5
Paul's internal dialogue when he is meeting the princesses is hilarious as is the way he stumbles through his greetings. I'm not sure if his awareness of falling under Lorena's spell works for me. He mentions himself being under her spell, his father and mother falling under her spell, his not noticing how rude she is to the others (if he can say that he didn't notice it, then he did notice it, didn't he?). The bedroom scene might be a bit much for your intended audience.

Chapter 6
This is a great scene with Lorena showing her true colors. Auntie Barbara is great, with her insistence that she once had a baby girl. Of course we are meant to think of Christina. Could she really be related to this crazy family?

This really is quite well-written and enjoyable to read. I have read the entire upload a while back and liked the shifting POV, especially as we get to see Paul's skewed interpretations of Christina's looks. There are twists and turns throughout that pull the reader along at a quick pace. I've given this six stars.

Kate

Kirstie wrote 604 days ago

YALF Review
This is told with a great comic voice. The humour never feels forced but comes across as natural and very funny.
Chapter One
The story has a great tragicomic opening and provides a great hook. The old man’s repetition of ‘That’s right’ is a simple but brilliant comic touch.
I like the introduction of characters in this chapter. You have successfully developed a range of clearly identifiable characters. I could imagine Jonny Depp playing Bart in the film version!
As regards the sexism issues, I think you should definitely use the term women and children rather than wives and children. Chrissie provides a good feisty heroine though.
For me the huge fan joke is a bit of a cliche and doesn’t meet your usual standards
Chapter Two
Again this is full of great humour. I’m having to resist the temptation to list all my favourite lines.
If I am being really picky, I think that the sentence ‘if you offer a troll-‘ shouldn’t end with ‘they’ll do it’ as that is a plural.
Giant lime jellies makes me think of something nice and sweet which I am not sure is what you are aiming for in describing the trolls!
‘A child’s pig bladder football’ again, being ridiculously picky, I don’t think you need to say child’s. It sounds a bit odd in a book for children and isn’t really necessary.
I agree that I would have liked to see the women a bit more involved in the battle.
Just a thought, but couldn’t one of the gang members be changed to a woman without too much trouble – you don’t necessarily need to add another character or change the characters personality, just their gender.
Chapter Three
I love Bart’s insistence on Christopher – hilarious.
‘People who wanted nothing more than my happiness’ seems a bit strong. I’m not sure anyone is quite that self-sacrificing.
‘I’d rather be a man like you or a mother like Gerry’ – I understand that Chrissie’s lack of experience may mean she believes that being a mother is the only option for a woman and also the setting of the story suggests this may be true and I presume that later on, you give Chrissie the opportunity to be a woman in her own right. However, I think a comment to indicate that manhood or motherhood are not the only two options in life would be good here.
I adore the last paragraph of this chapter, etiquette, sophistication and how to kill – brilliant!
Chapter Four
The description of how the pea tradition was developed is great.
The King and Queen are strong characters. I like the queen’s rages and her tendency to be wicked to get her way. The King’s vanity is good too. Perhaps you could give him a redeeming quality to balance his vapidness.
‘My family and other vegetables’ is hilarious. It might be lost on younger readers but adults reading to children will love you for it.
Paul’s voice is delightfully cynical and provides a good contrast to Chrissie who seems eager to see the good in life despite her difficult upbringing. I can’t wait for them to meet.
Chapter Five
‘Smouldering as mysteriously as the distant sun in a winters sky’ is a lovely description.
‘Continental buffest of ladies’ – this line made me hate Paul!
Nice alliteration in ‘’softness of their silken dresses so close to their silken skins’
‘I hadn’t even noticed how rude she was being to the other princesses’ seems unnecessary. You have made a great job of showing that already.
Lorena is nicely wicked.
Chapter Six
‘Barbara continued and we continued to ignore hre’ the close repetition of continued is a bit clunky
‘Hair of a hair model’ seems a bit weak.
Auntie Barb had a baby girl who they took away – my mind is racing ahead and wondering if this might have something to do with Chrissie?
Chapter Seven
Perhaps ‘my nerves were as tight as piano wires’?
Very dramatic fight scene, well written and clear. I often find fight scenes long and boring and lose track of what is going on, but you write them beautifully.
This chapter shows Chrissie’s development and the passing of years nicely.
Chapter Eight
This chapter had me on the edge of my seat it was so exciting. It’s possibly not strictly necessary to the story (or maybe it is and I just don’t know it yet) but it provides a break from the other storylines and adds to our understanding of Bart.
Chapter Nine
Like the present of the ring
You don’t need the line’ it was not, after all, a piece of jewellery’ you have clearly shown that with the previous dialogue.
Great chapter ending – you have been leading up to this well. There is a switch of narrators in the next chapter too so you leave the reader hanging wondering what Chrissie’s reaction will be.
So far I am enjoying this complex, multi layered and hilarious story. I really like the two narrators. Chrissie seems to be developing form a rather passive character to one much more in charge of her own fate.

Tantalus wrote 604 days ago

Highly imaginative. Top o' the Children's and YA fantasy class.

Grey Muir wrote 604 days ago

YALF Review
YALF review.
The Princess and the Peach, by Benedict Brown
Hi Benedict,
I read the first 5 chapters of your novel. The story is excellent. It makes me think of “the Princess Bride”. Good amusing characters, fast pace, and lots of humor. The Great Bart’s slow response to the troll attack was a nice touch.
I will read some more. I am waiting to see if Princess Lorena, having weaseled out the secret of the pea, gets the prince. I assume not. There is far more humorous options in some dismal failure, which I am eagerly looking forward to.

I have you on my bookshelf and hope you make the ED soon.