Book Jacket


rank 5917
word count 11600
date submitted 22.03.2012
date updated 05.04.2012
genres: Literary Fiction
classification: moderate

Broken Portraits: Jonathan's Chronicles

Efioanwan Edem

Two Nigerian youths follow their dreams of studying abroad to a fictional constituent college of the University of South Africa.


Two Nigerian youths follow their dreams of studying abroad to a fictional constituent college of the University of South Africa. While at the college, Jonathan Ambo falls into an illicit love affair with his English Professor – an affair which threatens the foundations of a 19-year old marriage. Benjamin Bocco becomes entangled in an ill-fated relationship in which life emulates medieval fiction a little too closely. The story addresses the central theme of loneliness, while also highlighting other subtle issues affecting the continent, such as the rifts left among Africans in the aftermath of apartheid in South Africa.

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broken, efioanwan edem, jonathan, nigeria, portraits, south africa, xenophobia

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Tod Schneider wrote 690 days ago

Greetings Fifi,
I think you have the beginnings of a good tale here. I like the flavor of your writing. The opening paragraphs intrigued me partly because I was confused -- I thought I was reading about a child in a cardboard house in a shanty town. I didn't realize the protagonist was a man until "Why are you smiling like that, johnathon" in chapter 2, but maybe I missed something. The mystery of what Johnathan had been up held me through chapter 1. I wanted the answer to be something more powerful than seeing the teacher -- you might consider looking for ways to make it more loaded or dangerous? But your writing is really very nice, and I think this could develop into something very interesting. Best of luck!

You are invited to please take a look at my kid lit novel, The Lost Wink.

Efioanwan "Fifi" Edem wrote 753 days ago

Thank you very much Derek, I truly appreciate your comment and suggestions.
Hope you can read more soon and come back with more great suggestions I can use.

Best Regards,

DerekTobin wrote 753 days ago

Hi Fifi
I enjoyed reading this first chapter. It flows well and there are no clunky sections slowing me down. You write good dialogue - believable - which is key for me so well done. t is a well m aicured manuscript but I always try to make at least a coupold of suggestions so here goes:
"clad in sixteenth century gab" - should be "garb"
"You are a genius. Did you know that?" Tense is off - should be "Do you know that?" or "Don't you know that?"
Otherwise all good. I have starred and put on my watchlist to read more and will comment again as Im read on.
Good work Fifi
The Angel chord

Efioanwan "Fifi" Edem wrote 755 days ago

Thanks, thanks, Rikasworld. I really appreciate your reading my work (I thought no one was paying any attention; now I'm really going to participate here) and your comment. You are absolutely right about the name thing. Will revisit it. Thanks again!

rikasworld wrote 755 days ago

Hi, I've read the chapter you have posted and put it on my watchlist. I think you write very professionally. It flows really well and has good dialogue and an interesting situation. I initially thought the protagonist was female actually, until you said it was a boy, but not for any particular reason. Just one thing, the change from calling her Dr. to calling her Florence seemed a bit abrupt. Maybe she could say, 'Call me Florence.' or something. Otherwise great.