Book Jacket

 

rank 5849
word count 30615
date submitted 23.03.2012
date updated 24.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

The Rescue of Lucy Fer

Andrew Vecsey

A single father and his son risk life and death to rescue the lady of their life out of a prison called Hell.

 

Joe and his son Chris are in heaven. They have everything they want, except Joe lost his wife a Chris lost his mother. She is locked up in prison for life. Realizing that the only way to get her back is to break her out, they decide to try. But it`s no ordinary jail and it`s not your ordinary life sentence. She is locked up in Hell for eternity. Joe and Chris, disguised as a black poodle and a green parrot from heaven manage to rescue Lucy, but at quite the price. This short book is a satirical fantasy about technology and religion and stands them face to face.

 
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, heaven, hell

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Chapter 2 Joe and Chris
 

 
There was a light glimmering on the high ceiling above the bed that was like a curtain of light unfolding to show a starry sky. The hazy light with all different colors focused into forms with different shapes. There was a murmur in the air around him. The hum turned to a buzz and to familiar words.  Joska madàrkàm”. A feeling of deja vu enveloped him. he had heard these words before now images of his childhood were surfacing from the depths of his memory.
 

 
He awakened as if from a coma and slowly realized that he was with his son Chris in a crowded room. Many people were there celebrating and rejoicing. Looking into their faces and into their eyes, he could not recognize any one except for Chris.  He was in a bed covered in a white robe. Everyone else standing around him wore similar white robes. He knew he was in heaven and recognized it as his home. He was back home.
 

 
Most of the welcoming committee were people reported to be his ancestors. He was introduced to his grandmother who looked just like he remembered her 4000 years ago when she refused to get baptized or to open a Heaven Inc. account and committed suicide.  
 
Joska madàrkàm, she whispered in Joe`s ear. I am so glad that I am not away and I am here with you celebrating your long awaited return.”
 
Grandmama, you are just like I remember you.” Joe uttered.
 
“We missed you so much” she replied.
 

 
Chris was unable to wait any longer and jumped in giving his father a hug and tugged at his long white beard. “Welcome home Dad, 20 years have passed by since you have arrived. Most recover from death in a few months, but you are the first one that returned with a 4000 year old life to review and recover from.”  
 

 
“How is Lucy doing?” Joe asked. Chris`s face turned suddenly pale.  
 

 
“I`m afraid I have some bad news” Chris stuttered. “Mom won`t be coming home. She has been incarcerated for life along with a few of her followers. After they executed you for killing me, Mom started a movement of a few followers who started to kill their own children to have their brains disconnected like you were able to do by killing me. Gabriel was able to use his influence and to prohibit on humanitarian grounds the death penalty for any offence. Lucy and her 12 followers were instead charged in court and sentenced to serve life terms in a high security prison they built just for them called Hell.   
 
 

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Christian Frey wrote 355 days ago

Hi Andrew, I read the pitch and the first couple of paragraphs. I like your cover image and the title - that's what drew me in. The pitch was not quite as strong, concept seems 'done' but the black poodle and green parrot are an intriguing angle. I'm not sure the 'life or death' aspect seems too pressing if they're already in the afterlife though, LOL.

What I really noticed about the first couple of paragraphs of writing, is that you may want to see if you can do some word-smithing to remove some of the he, him, his. For example, instead of: "Gabriel looked in the mirror. He had a white shirt with an open collar unbuttoned to reveal his black hairy chest and his thick black suspenders." You could do something like, "Gabriel looked in the mirror. His white shirt and open collar revealed a hairy black chest and thick black suspenders." (is he wearing suspenders under his shirt?)

Anyway, hope that's not coming across too harsh, sorry for the critique and I hope it's taken in the kind spirit in which it was intended. Cheers!

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