Book Jacket

 

rank 5852
word count 30615
date submitted 23.03.2012
date updated 24.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

The Rescue of Lucy Fer

Andrew Vecsey

A single father and his son risk life and death to rescue the lady of their life out of a prison called Hell.

 

Joe and his son Chris are in heaven. They have everything they want, except Joe lost his wife a Chris lost his mother. She is locked up in prison for life. Realizing that the only way to get her back is to break her out, they decide to try. But it`s no ordinary jail and it`s not your ordinary life sentence. She is locked up in Hell for eternity. Joe and Chris, disguised as a black poodle and a green parrot from heaven manage to rescue Lucy, but at quite the price. This short book is a satirical fantasy about technology and religion and stands them face to face.

 
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, heaven, hell

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Chapters

10

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Chapter 10 The reunion in Heaven
 

 
A few weeks later Chrissy woke up to an applause of spirits. His first words were.
 

 
“Where is Lucy?”
 
“She is still recuperating and recovering” he was told by the nurse attending him. “She should wake up in about 15 years. What a surprise that will be for all of us. She will have 4000 years’ worth of life to share with us.”
 
“Where is Joe? Chrissy asked.
 
“He is still burying bones and running after Gabriel like he will for 15 more years the nurse said with a smile. They should be waking up together, what a party that will be.”
 

 
15 or 20 years can zoom by very fast, or they can crawl by very slowly, depending how anxiously you are waiting for it to pass.  For Chrissy, it went by very slowly. He reviewed his many past lives and was often asked to give speeches about his life as Chris Ova, the son of Dr. Joe Ova.
 

 
He lived only 10 years in the dreaded world of immortality where no soul wanted to reincarnate to. Chris Ova, thanks to his dad, was one of a few in this immortal world who were able to die and return home from man`s immortal and for many immoral world.  Before that Chris Ova had many outstanding and extraordinary lives. He was Jesus, Christopher Columbus and Shakespeare and John, that brave soul who dared to reincarnate into man and his immoral world as Chris Ova. He worked hard and saved up for a 10 year hibernation with a wakeup call when either Lucy wakes up, or Joe returns.
 
 

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Christian Frey wrote 352 days ago

Hi Andrew, I read the pitch and the first couple of paragraphs. I like your cover image and the title - that's what drew me in. The pitch was not quite as strong, concept seems 'done' but the black poodle and green parrot are an intriguing angle. I'm not sure the 'life or death' aspect seems too pressing if they're already in the afterlife though, LOL.

What I really noticed about the first couple of paragraphs of writing, is that you may want to see if you can do some word-smithing to remove some of the he, him, his. For example, instead of: "Gabriel looked in the mirror. He had a white shirt with an open collar unbuttoned to reveal his black hairy chest and his thick black suspenders." You could do something like, "Gabriel looked in the mirror. His white shirt and open collar revealed a hairy black chest and thick black suspenders." (is he wearing suspenders under his shirt?)

Anyway, hope that's not coming across too harsh, sorry for the critique and I hope it's taken in the kind spirit in which it was intended. Cheers!

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