Paragon

When I started reading this I thought that I had let myself in for a read more suited for teenagers than for an old goat like me. It looked as though it was going to be about teenage surfer heroes of some sort.
Boy was I wrong!
It is a great read for all ages. It is very well written in a flowing style that makes it difficult to put down. The characters are very well described and very real and you have managed to perfectly bring out all aspects of their individual personalities.
Yes, the heroes are indeed teenagers but the subject matter (terrorism and war in Iraq and Afganistan) is very topical and very adult although teenagers worldwide can also relate to it.
Nevertheless, in spite of the fact than it will appeal to an adult audience as well, I do believe that the main market for this book is going to be the teenage one. They are going to love it and I believe that it has the potential to go up against other teenage novels like the 'Twilight" books with a great deal of success. In fact I am surprised it has not been snapped up by a publisher yet because I think that after they read this book there are going to be large numbers of teenagers queuing to buy it and the ones that will no doubt follow it.
I notice that you have ended it perfectly to allow for future books about Keira and Aiden.
I also have no doubt that this will be in the top five by the end of this month and, as it is getting very close to being reviewed by a proper editor, I feel that I must point out that there are one or two things that still need to be cleaned up before it gets there so please forgive me if I seem to be nitpicking a bit.
The bit about Lickey's Beach in Chapter 4 : I don't understand how a beach can become clandestine after tourists have already discovered it?
Also in Chapter 4 you have used the word waved where it should be wave.
Nothing serious at all.
Very well done with this novel Elspeth

Ellie

I read six chapters - but not chapter four because Authonomy wouldn't let me. I like everything about this book and would love to read the whole thing when it is published. I can say categorically that - based on the chapters read - it's one of the best five stories I have read on this site. It's the sort of story that beckons you on and, before you know it, you've lost the whole weekend. It has clear movie potential. But more than that, the writing is both tight and slightly stretching, by which I mean you paint vivid pictures and I occasionally check into a word to find that you used it in a way I would never have thought of. For example, "renege". This is a very good thing.

I love your characters, story, everything. I even love your chapter titles which make frequently me think of favourite songs or poems. For reasons we need not go into, Ceremonies of Innocence, for example, recalls not only Yeats but also Bob Dylan. In short, this book does not lack conviction and I admire it with a passionate intensity.

Very well done.

Evie

YARG review
After reading continuously in one sitting through to chapter seven I can happily back this book. This story is refreshing, and not like any YA story lines I have come across before. The style is compelling & promising, written with a sophisticated yet easy to read prose that is gripping from early on. The characters are well described and Keira's character is mature and appealing, with a strength of character that stands out in a deluge of weak female boy consumes characters on the market, being controlled by their male love interested and incapable of defending themselves, in need of protection at ever chapters end. Enough! We need more strong heroine's like Keira and less fainting Bella types as role models for YA readers! Very well edited, I feel this is a very publishable competent story.
I will continue to read this all the way through as is available.

Kate Malone
Twell

At last I have started Paragon and I have to say I loved it. You write smoothly, your writing flows making it easy to continue. I read the first four chapters and found myself hooked. I always say when I read a book here that I am not one to critique, I come at every book as a reader. As a reader would I but this? Yes one hundred percent.

You have created a solid and believable central character in Keira, her home and teenage frustrations in it are realistic, her school life and her unpopularity (the horrible incident with the fish) will appeal to many insecure young adults.
You decribe her setting Jack's Creek so well it makes it easy to imagine, I could picture every thing as I read it. From her 90 foot jump, to Ethan, his gorgeous girlfriend and of course the accident.
Her nightmares returning (do they predict things to come?) her accident and smoking palms had me compelled. Kiara is no ordinary girl.
I think that this book has all the elements needed to engage the reader, a main character that is easy to identify with, suspense and fantasy.
A big well done and highly starred from me.
Brillant and well worth a read for those who haven't yet.
You are a natural writer and highly, highly talented. I would imagine that in the not too distant future that medicine will be a mere sideline for you!!!
Jayne

Excellent and captivating.

Ebones!

First ELMORE LEONARD.

So the other day I was reading an interview between Martin Amis and Elmore Leonard. I won't make you read it but if you want to glance at the PDF it's over here. (http://www.martinamisweb.com/interviews_files/amis_int_leonard.pdf) Basically, Leonard said that he had always taken a very commercial approach to his writing. First he looked at the market to determine which genre he wrote in. He wanted a genre that was selling well. Secondly, he viewed his writing as "scenes." So before he started writing something, he would say to himself, "Okay, what is this scene supposed to do? How does it relate the rest of the book? What do I need to happen in this scene to move the story along?" I'm paraphrasing, of course. But for commercial purposes I can see how incredibly helpful Leonard's approach might be.

Now to PARAGON.

Your writing is terrific. Language, rhythm, detail -- you're the genuine article. The relationship between Kiera and Iona is fantastic. Sometimes I feel like I'm reading the work of an incredibly talented memoirist. I forget that it's fiction There are a lot of examples I could write down but that's not really all that helpful. Besides, hopefully by now you know who I am. I'm a lazy bastard.

I only have two problems with PARAGON.
1.) structure
2.) length

Fortunately these are easily fixed. They're not bad problems to have. Bad writing is a bad problem to have and usually can't be fixed. Also, the two problems are very much related to one another.

Your first chapter. what are you trying to do with it? I could be wrong but I think you're trying to:

1. Set up the military thing
2. Introduce the idea of Paragons as genetically superior.
3. Most importantly, connect the two major characters.

So here's what I'm thinking (and this is mos def my 2 cents only, if I was really good I wouldn't be on this damn website.)

1. We introduce the landscape --Iraq
2. We introduce the characters -- Aiden and the other Paragons, who are in a gun fight.
3. (This is different from your text) We introduce the idea that in the Middle East there's a weird interest in Western culture that contrasts with Islamic conservative values --Possible examples might include a Taco Bell next to a Muslim temple, the body of an insurgent wearing Levi denims and Ray Bans, Michael Jackson song playing in the background. Something along those lines.
4. (This is same from your text) Aiden and gang chase the kid.
5. They think the kid has a gun!
6. (This is different from your text.) There's a suspenseful moment where they don't know whether to shoot the kid. What do Iraq people speak? Farassi? Iraqueee? Yiddish? Maybe there's an unforeseen language barrier that causes the uncertainty. Maybe the kid is deaf. (Milk this moment.)
7. They don't shoot the kid. And he doesn't have gun. In fact it's a rolled up Sports Illustrated with Keira's purple eyes. And since we did Step 3, it totally makes sense.
8. In conclusion: We get a quick jolt of action, some suspense, and we don't have to go back to the military base to make the Keira connection, possibly giving your book a more contemporary pace.


Now the home scenes. If this was a Hollywood movie how much time does Mr. and Mrs. Wallace get on the screen? Since the story is about Aiden and Keira, they probably don't get that much. You pretty much need them to be stock characters. Not necessarily cliché, but easily recognizable. They'd probably just make sure we know that Mrs. Wallace is short, kind, and very self-possessed. And Mr. Wallace is a distinguished good-natured doctor. (Doctor too. Which might explain his connection to the genetic anomaly.) Iona's character, on the other hand, seems like she's a little more involved with the story so she gets a little more screen time, but I doubt she gets as much as you give her. For example, can she be reading (I like the dyslexia thing) in the car on the way to school? Etc.

The school scenes now. Okay what are we trying to show?
Once again --only guessing-- but the main thing is showing the reader that Keira's unique gifts have also turned her into a pariah at school. So the structure might go something like

1.) First: The locker with the psycho burned on. It tells us she's different for some reason.
2.) Then her day. Sitting in the loser row. Interactions with teachers. This is another part that could possibly use some trimming. And please note that there's a lot of wiggle room with 1. and 2.
3.) Finally the parking lot fight scene! This could be an unexpected payoff for a character who spends much of her time in school by herself.

(Random note: Did you see the new Spiderman movie? Notice what they did to make a cool-looking/attractive guy seem like he was an outsider at his school? They gave him glasses and made him stick up for a dork at school, thus aligning him with the school dorks. That was sort of clever. Maybe give Keira some glasses so that people don't stare at her purple eyes???)

The cereal thing was great. In fact, I think that's the only connection you need to get the Aiden and the crew back into the story. When Iona questions Keira about her food it's such a common thing that we don't see it coming at all! You don't need the lurking boy. I know this is hard --because I really like her diving off the cliff-- but I think you could probably cut that out too. (Or skillfully reposition it in the text.) As Hemingway said, Sometimes we have to kill off our darlings.

The other advantage to cutting the cliff diving scene (and possibly not mentioning yet the incident at school that made people turn on her) is that when Keira fights in the school parking lot there's more of a Revelation Moment for the reader. She's showing her "Paragon nature" for the first time. Use that situation. Whereas the way it's written now, I never thought for a second that she might lose or even get hurt in the parking lot. Actually, you know what? The more vulnerable you could make her appear before the parking lot scene the more A HA! that parking lot fight becomes. The tricky thing is that she's not actually vulnerable because she's a Paragon, but if you could make her seem vulnerable (You can be vulnerable in other ways besides physically and intellectually. You can be shy, sad, alone.) it might be one of those big character identifying moments. This is type of quick revelation is common enough in storytelling. Think Strider in Lord of the Rings. At first you think he might be a bad guy, but then a couple minutes later he turns out to be the best kind of person. At first you think Yoda is some weird little swamp creature, but a ten minutes later you find out he's a like the ultimate Jedi master. (IPR Yoda.) Etc. Etc. Etc. So maybe don't have Kiera drive 200 MPH to school. But after the fight, have her drive 200 MPH.

So here's a hypothetical structure for the beginning:

1. Iraq. Gun fight. Swimsuit issue.
2. Keira wakes up from her dream again. (Loved the writing and it would be a nice transition from the SI cover. Also, for some reason, there's something about introducing a new character when they "wake up." I can think of dozens of examples in movie/films. I think it has something to do with being introduced a new character who is introducing themselves to the conscious world.)
3. Keira goes downstairs and we briefly meet Mr. and Mrs. Wallace.
4. The Wallace girls go to school together, observing the speed limit.
5. Keira has a crappy day at school. (People likey underdog.)
6. Keira kicks some ass in the parking lot Paragon style!
7. The Wallace girls do 200 in the Jetta, dramatizing Keira's Paragoness.
8. Colton, the scamp, woofs down the purloined cereal and we're off!
9. I know that's a lot of balls to juggle at once, but if you could.... maybe get it all into three compact chapters... I'd imagine a lot of literary agents would have a hard time not wanting to read more.


Then again, Ellie, that's only looking at it from a commercial prospective. It's your book, your world. It's a well constructed world too. I'm not just saying that you make you feel good. That's not my style anyway. If I had stumbled upon a hardcopy of PARGON, the way it's written now, I wouldn't have even thought of such critiques. Honestly. I would have thought: wow, looks like the Canadian literati is starting to flourish. The writing is truly good. The only way that you don't already know your writing is terrific is if you have some sort of rare brain disorder, like body dysmorphia, but with prose.

Also, I change my mind all the time so by tomorrow I might write a critique which is utterly different from this one.

I've been on a reading tear lately so be warned, I plan to write more about PARAGON as soon as I get some more chapters into my brainskizzle.

YARG review:
Prologue- you paint such a detailed picture at the beginning, that you can almost imagine yourself in this story. You're slowly building up the story, giving away just enough to keep the reader hooked. The prologue ends in a dramatic and intriguing way.

Chapter 1- The characters are interesting, and you've mixed quite a few different themes in which makes it well rounded. Intriguing ending to the chapter as well!

All in all, a very well written, interesting book
Abby

Hey E! YAY you made it to the top, knew you would!!!

Wow. Fantastic start. You certainly hit the ground running. This is a good story and a bit of Arabic thrown in for good measure. I didnt have to throw much effort in here as I felt as if I was already there. A brilliant start for me., Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

High stars- still!

Your still on my WL and ive read a few more chapters. It seems to be tight and polished all the way through from what i can see. I still think Keira is a total bad-ass! ha ha.
You write with such ease (although im sure you've spent hours edited the heck out of it!) The story reminds me of The Hunger Games, but even better.

If im honest this isnt more normal book, but this wouldnt stop me buying it. Its creative, imaginative and keeps me on the edge of my seat every time i pick it up.

Good luck

Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

YARG review

This is really well written! Just to be nit picky, I'm gonna give a few pointers to things that made me pause.

First--the semi colons. I was taught in school to use them to connect two sentences that need each other--but now a days most semi colons are being replaced with em-dashes. I've had to remove all my semis b/c of an editor's critique and replace them with commas when possible, or em-dashes. So b/c it was pointed out to me every time I came to one it made me stop.

Second--there were just a few passive words that slipped in there (this is so hard! I do this ALL the time). Try not to write things like "He started to climb" it should be "He climbed" or "He had ran out of ammo" should be "He ran out of ammo".

Third--I love a tense opening!!! Start with the good stuff. But I do feel like there was so much action for so long that I couldn't connect with the mc. Action is great--it is--but give us enough internal thoughts so that we can connect with the mc right off.

Now, this is me being picky. This is what I would tell my cp to take this from really good to perfect. This seems like it will be a tense read (which I LOVE).

I'll be back to read on past the first chap. I did really enjoy it :) Backed with 6 stars.

Amber-- Perfectly Broken

Wow! This is wonderfully written. If I think the writing is weak, or the story is slow, then I simply move on without commenting, but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed this and look forward to getting to read more. I've backed your book and put it at highest stars--only because I think it's worthy. Sometimes I feel like this site is a popularity contest--when the focus should be on talent. You've got talent. Best of luck!


Amber- Perfectly Broken

Wow this was amazing.
I looked up the definitio of your title.
par·a·gon (pr-gn, -gn)
n.
1. A model of excellence or perfection of a kind; a peerless example: a paragon of virtue.
2.
a. An unflawed diamond weighing at least 100 carats.
b. A very large spherical pearl.
3. Printing A type size of 20 points.
tr.v. par·a·goned, par·a·gon·ing, par·a·gons
1. To compare; parallel.
2. To equal; match.

You are number one for a reason. This is an incredible piece of work.
Best of luck
Violet Ivy

...reading more...it truly is a movie (translation from my visual soul, meaning it's wonderful and the universe should read it/see it)

still happily on my shelf

This is excellent, tight, pacy and suspenseful! You deserve the number one spot. What was your inspiration?

Good lord, I just read this whole thing in a matter of hours! All I can say is, Wow! Finally, a YA book that's not about sparkling vampires or werewolves. I'm quite happy there's a sequel, because I must confess I nearly cried when Keira was told that Aiden was dead (yes, yes, I know I'm a crybaby, no need to rub it in). Backed without a second thought, and I wish you the best with the editor's desk!

YARG review continued -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Here are some honest observations.

I personally cannot believe that there is any dystopian alternate reality, especially in our present timeframe, where all of this is manipulated by the Secretary of State. Being Austro-Canadian, or Canadian-austro, you may not follow the fine details of our governmental system. But no former defense contractor would ever be confirmed as Secretary of State because of fear of the exact scenario you paint in the book. I can easily believe that such a thing could come from the Secretary of Defense. Of course, in recent history it was the VP who was an evil, monstrous defense contractor with a bad heart. But if you’re looking for someone who would have access to an unlimited budget, little oversight and all the right connections, I’d go with SecDef.

Some of your chapters have a number and a title. Some just have a title. It should be consistent. Personally I like the number : title combination. Chapter 20 is numbered wrong.

In Chapter 12, you say they flew to Virginia, but earlier in the book you said it was West Virginia. Since I live in West Virginia I vote you change VA in Chapter 12 to WV.

It’s a shame for your book that in the time it took you to reach the point of publication, Bin Laden was killed. Perhaps you can replace him with a fictional bad guy so as not to date the book?

I wish you all the best in your bid for publication. Paragon deserves it.

YARG review -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Hi Ellie,
I know I said I was going to try and leave comments every few chapters because I was reading your book in between writing my own for NaNoWriMo but that's not how it worked out. I couldn't stop. I just kept going, chapter after chapter. Your book is that good. I did stop at 7 AM this morning to get a few hours’ sleep and to make sure that the kids were still breathing and everything. But then I went straight back to Paragon, until I finished it. My first reaction upon finishing the novel...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That can't be it! That's the end? Tell me…that's not all there is!

You see, I read fiction for pleasure. Unlike so many people on this website, I don't read a couple of chapters of someone else' book for political expediency. I read cover-to-cover because I enjoy it. I definitely enjoyed this book. I'm sure you know how good it is by now, being at number 1 and all. But honestly, I've seen some guano on this site make it to the top, and I haven't been here that long. Paragon is the real thing. I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Thank you.

The suspenseful premise is original. There are a lot of books about genetically altered heroes. But I really enjoyed the way you applied that idea to a vulnerable and sensitive young woman. I especially liked the poignancy of chapter 10, when she covered Aiden’s body with her own. I loved the way you built the character arc, as she loses her naiveté. I was moved by the way her relationship with Aiden developed. The comparison you used throughout of her emotional defenses coming down to ocean waves crashing was just beautiful. And I don’t think I remembered to breathe once throughout chapter 22.

YARG review -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Hi Ellie,
I know I said I was going to try and leave comments every few chapters because I was reading your book in between writing my own for NaNoWriMo but that's not how it worked out. I couldn't stop. I just kept going, chapter after chapter. Your book is that good. I did stop at 7 AM this morning to get a few hours’ sleep and to make sure that the kids were still breathing and everything. But then I went straight back to Paragon, until I finished it. My first reaction upon finishing the novel...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That can't be it! That's the end? Tell me…that's not all there is!

You see, I read fiction for pleasure. Unlike so many people on this website, I don't read a couple of chapters of someone else' book for political expediency. I read cover-to-cover because I enjoy it. I definitely enjoyed this book. I'm sure you know how good it is by now, being at number 1 and all. But honestly, I've seen some guano on this site make it to the top, and I haven't been here that long. Paragon is the real thing. I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Thank you.

The suspenseful premise is original. There are a lot of books about genetically altered heroes. But I really enjoyed the way you applied that idea to a vulnerable and sensitive young woman. I especially liked the poignancy of chapter 10, when she covered Aiden’s body with her own. I loved the way you built the character arc, as she loses her naiveté. I was moved by the way her relationship with Aiden developed. The comparison you used throughout of her emotional defenses coming down to ocean waves crashing was just beautiful. And I don’t think I remembered to breathe once throughout chapter 22.

Great story and written with style...Pulled me right in...no wonder you are at #1. Best of luck.

MTPelletier
TWIGS AND PEBBLES

Great story and written with style...Pulled me right in...no wonder you are at #1. Best of luck.

MTPelletier
TWIGS AND PEBBLES

Wow! Congratulations for making it to the top this month! :)

D

Paragon is a great read, it's a page-turner that rattles along and has a lot of very engaging elements. The heroine and the style of it remind me slightly of The Hunger Games. It's perfect for the YA market in my opinion, though if it was aimed squarely at adults I would find some of the characters and situations a bit too "clean".

In general the writing is great, but there is a certain amount of over-writing. This is a general point and I don't want to start listing specific examples — especially since others on this thread have already been very specific in their comments. Instead, let me just say that characters' mindsets, expressions and reactions seem to be described a little too often; it isn't necessary to tell us every emotion that flickers across someone's face. The dialogue does most of the work in many cases.

Also, some scenes go on a bit too long before coming to the point. This is particularly true with new information being revealed, but there are other scenes which seem entirely unnecessary. I guess the question you have to ask is, "What actually happened in that scene?" (By scene, I mean a beat or section, or short chapter.) For example, chapter 10 sees two of Keira's friends getting emotional over her disappearance. But it's a long scene and by the end, nothing substantial has either been discovered or resolved.

Anyway, I haven't finished it but read 12 chapters and was hooked by the story and style so well done, like it a lot.

AG

Hey Ellie --

Well, you're numero uno on this website, so it's not like you need any real help or anything with ratings or critique. But I suppose I just wanted to take a peek at your libro and here I am.

The story is much different from anything I've ever really taken a look at before --so major kudos. Your attention to detail (such as weaponry, reference to the indigenous language) is most impressive and really gives the story an authenticity. I like too that you follow the "show don't tell" Cardinal rule in writing. That's not easy to keep up, but you seem pretty good at it. And you can definitely tell that you like to write. Which is probably my biggest concern with the Prologue. It seems dangerously over-written. As I'm sure you know, most people are going to be reading for characters and conflict. They're going to want you to set up the gunfight as soon as possible, give us some bodies, a type of mini-denouement, roll out some of your characters, and then blast them with a major reason to keep reading... All of this has to be done as soon and economically as possible. Basically, us poor scribes have to hit our marks in the story and move on. I'm afraid that today, more than ever, we face a moratorium on the dillydallying! Just because we can describe something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to be described. (I like how I'm talking about economy for such a long time. Polonius in the house, yawls!)

Also --I really like that the opening is set in Iraq. Why not let the reader know as soon as possible? Give us a heading. Or describe some of the signs in the 1st expository paragraph (which is the purpose of that paragraph, to set up the story.) as having "squiggly lines" or even better Arabic characters. Maybe one of the characters reminds Aiden of a snake crossing a road, or the shape of his favorite watercolor painting, whatever. But the Iraq thing is relevent to the story and the contempory Reader. Good job.

So below is just sort of a hack job at tightening up the prose. It's certainly not meant to be taken for anything other than a foil for possible comparison. That said, you're still the big cheese around here and I wish you luck on the Editor's desk. I've got plenty of shelf space so if you need a last minute bump, just let me know, I'd be more than happy to help. (Though I doubt you will need any.)

Best,
DF

------------------------------------------
The square was nothing more than an enclosure of dusty buildings. There were shattered windows and torn chunks of stone in almost every wall now. Above, warm wind whistled through the plaza before sweeping down and then over the bodies left putrefying in the heat. Besides the blood, there seemed to be absence of color. The young man was still waiting.

Aiden tucked himself further into the shadows. His skin was dark and dusty, his hair blending into the wall so well that it was nearly invisible. Twenty civilians dead without so much as a single enemy injury. The contractors had messed up.

He glanced over at the twins, awaiting their signal. Frankie and Colton were about twenty feet away, crouched behind one of the bullet-ridden vehicles.

The sound came first -- the quick click of a weapon being loaded.

The twins motioned with their fingers, indicating the source of the noise. Aiden nodded back, already eyeing the facade of an opposing building. He could see it now. The hole was about the size of a fist. Behind it, the enemy waited.

Positioning himself, Aiden's trousers scraped against the dirt. Soon, the clamor would take hold. He took aim. Killing was the easy part. Everything before and after was hard.

Another click -- his own weapon this time. Then there was only the dull thud of body hitting the ground as the remaining insurgents scattered, running for cover, giving away their positions, but never having a chance.

Aiden traced the sound of their footfalls, firing each time one materialized in front of a shot-out window with the tattered linens fluttering in the air. One by one, six men went down. It took only six hosts: three from Aiden, two from Frankie, and one from Colton. It was over in seconds. Aiden returned to the cover of the building, tucking himself back into the shadows, leaning his back against the rough stone wall.

In the silence, another solider might have assumed it was over. Aiden never made these types of assumptions and he knew it was never over. He swung his rifle, a 7.63-mm SCAR-heavy, over his shoulder and began to climb, listening for noises between each upward movement. He heard the swoosh of fabric and the pacing of bare feet, followed by a muffled, distinctly childish cry. Frankie held up two fingers.

------

{Then I would cut to the team ransacking the apartment. Something like:}

Once inside the apartment, Aiden snatched the dead man's gun. It was an M9, a pistol, almost certainly stolen from the body of an American soldier.

Frankie moved his head in the direction of the young boy moving in the apartment. "Aiden, retrain him while we search the place."


{The rest of this section is really strong as we are introduced to the other characters, and more importantly some conflict in the form of Why they have been recognized. I definitely dig that hook. The dialogue is very good too. Besides registering true, it also helps break up some of the direct description of the plaza and gunfight.}

------

me again- yes I am procrastinating and you are my go- to escape of choice ;)

read through the next two chapters and just thought I would pop in to tell you I have nothing to say :p These are giving me exactly what I wanted from 5 and 6. I'm loving getting to see the world unfold, and phew- glad they're not twins :) Its such an intriguing relationship.

Especially loving the whole canadian/american rivalry. As a scot I completely empathise with being the wee sister overlooked by the big brother convinced they are the centre of the universe!

I have only read the first chapter and am already curious as to where this will take me. A good fluent read. Well done....

YARG REViEW

I've read to the end of Chapter 4 and the end of that Chapter just wants me to read on and on and on. It's works like this which annoy me and delight me....I end up losing a lot of time but I'm reading a great book.

I thought your prologue worked well and was the most enjoyable of the chapters I read. It's action packed and just grabs the attention straight away, setting up the overall story nicely even if up until Chapter 4 we're catching up to the prologue. I like the dialogue of the characters and the nice interactions you have going on between them. They're set up well.

So yeah, to just conclude, I love this work and it makes me jealous how good it is.

This is a cool idea - half human but half super-human soldiers. I get the feeling that they have an aura of invincibility. It reminds me of playing a video game where you are suddenly in god-mode for 15 seconds. I think the war in Afghanistan aspect makes the book more realistic... as if this could possibly be the future of warfare. Good work so far. Your short/long pitch really caught my eye.

I am not sure if anyone has commented on this before but in Afghanistan or other countries in that area, most of the citizens are actually members of a specific ethnic tribe and speak their respective local language. For example, most people in Afghanistan speak a variety of Pashtun not Arabic as it is a Persian country. I'm not an expert on that but it might be worthwhile to investigate further to add that extra "reality" factor to your first chapter.

Great stuff so far! Love the idea.

Club Grimoire 2nd round
Hi Ellie,
Even though I thought the prologue was long, it stayed interesting from the outset. However, too much dialogue marred my enjoyment. Some annoying lines sprang out, particularly; "There were twenty dead civilians, Aiden," he hissed - How does one hiss when speaking?
Aldous pressed his lips together, "They've arranged for Iris, etc..."- How did he say that when his lips were pressed together?
Chap1; How do we know that Keira did a quick calculation in her head? I suggest 'she appeared to be making a quick calculation'.
I note that you have split the paras concerning Keira's sudden appearance in the kitchen. Again I suggest you should tell us she actually arrived at the house first.
It appears to be a chic lit so far.
Chap 2; The link with the prologue has emerged when Keira watches TV.
Did Keira catch the keys before slidding into the seat or did she press a button to start the car?
Some scenes seem to jump too quickly to the next without explanation.
I feel some could be deleted altogether as I think they are unnecessary, ie in the school.
Jury is out Ellie. Am trying hard to continue though because I have to evaluate the characters. The lad at the black SUV could be an interesting one to follow.
Pat

What a great prologue. Really pulls you in right from the beginning. It's really long enough to be a whole chapter. Your language is wonderful and you can form the heck out of a sentence. I think this goes beyond the YA genre and appeals to a really wide audience. You describe the world with such clarity that I could picture the creek setting to perfection. Great story :)

Elspeth,

Paragon is a stunning piece of work. The combination of tense, black-ops scenes with the life of a high-school oddball/outcast is unusual and compelling. The pieces of the story come together like a complex puzzle as bit by bit, secrets are revealed.

The BC setting is fabulous -- rugged and remote and beautiful. (I always have a soft spot for Northwest settings, but yours is especially well done). I love how Keira eats huge amounts without regarding it as odd, and how she just matter of factly climbs and jumps and drops. Because it's her doing it, she doesn't seem to have a sense of how unusual she is. She knows it, but doesn't at the same time. It's just how she is. Her family seems real and completely believable.

In three chapters I didn't find any typos or other nitpicks. The text is clean and addictively readable. I did feel like the Prologue was long and detailed enough to be a chapter in its own right, but that's your call.

Easy to see why this at the top of the charts right now! I'm adding my backing and 6 stars now.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

YARG review.

Wow. I can definitely see why this is number one on the reading list (good luck with that, by the way). You plunged me into your story from the very first word, latching on so tight, I couldn't stop reading. Your characters leap from the page; your plot is fascinating (Those violent eyes! I can't wait to find out what they mean!), your prose and dialogue tight and well written. I've heard that it's never a good idea to start with a fight scene (we still don't know the characters), but you did well with this. I got to know your characters as I read through the scene, beoming sympathetic with their plight.

Fabulous work. High stars.

Michele
Starfire

YARG review.

Wow. I can definitely see why this is number one on the reading list (good luck with that, by the way). You plunged me into your story from the very first word, latching on so tight, I couldn't stop reading. Your characters leap from the page; your plot is fascinating (Those violent eyes! I can't wait to find out what they mean!), your prose and dialogue tight and well written. I've heard that it's never a good idea to start with a fight scene (we still don't know the characters), but you did well with this. I got to know your characters as I read through the scene, beoming sympathetic with their plight.

Fabulous work. High stars.

Michele
Starfire

Wow this work is really tight and well thought out. I'm really impressed by how well it appeals to different audiences, I showed this to my sister and she wouldn't let me have my laptop back for a day :/ I think you've definitely got something good on your hands here and I really enjoyed reading it. Really strong characterisation of Keira, which pulls the reader through the plot very well.
-Pete

Hi Elspeth,

Firstly, off topic and probably unwanted (but I am a philologist and could not help myself), I love your name!

Moving onto the more important matters, I also love your work. On first glance it reminded me of my beloved childhood author, LE Modesitt Jr. Perhaps go give some of his work a read.
I've few suggestions, as it is hardly in need of an outsider's opinion. Here are some though:
1) I thought this line "The killing was the easy part; everything before and after was hard" might work better as "Killing was the easy part; the before and after was hard'.
2) "Ten feet above his head was a balcony, half of its bannister crumbled away" - from the context and text surrounding it, well, it seems like you meant to say "half of its bannister [had] crumbled away". Not sure how you meant it, though.
3) No more suggestions on grammar, but fantastic end to Chapter 1! Gripping.

Other than that, I find myself near to advising something dangerous. More often than not authors overuse adjectives, adverbs and descriptive words - yet your use is well refined, and I might even suggest fluffing up some of the action scenes with some cutting descriptions. However, this was a fleeting observation; I'm not even sure how much I mean to say it.

Great work, Elspeth. I recommend submitting straight to an agent and see where that takes you; the old-fashioned way of publishing is still the smartest right now - and your work is definitely deserving. Try Writer's House, David Higham or The Blair Partnership if you are keen to go down that route - although, pick your representative carefully (let them match your genre and vision).
May come back to consider backing your work soon, I just have to revise my bookshelf and see if all the other 5 books deserve it.

Best of luck,

Wow, this opening chapter is fantastic. The imagery and the intensity of the scene are both so brilliantly laid out in words that it takes no work to picture everything. I may have stopped breathing a couple times while reading it.
This is some good stuff.
I'm backing you and will be back to read more as time permits.

Pretty sure this book is going to be the next #1. Keira is such a strong character. YA isn't necessarily my thing but this kind of transends that genre. will keep reading and keep it on my shelf!

hello, me again.

Read through chapters 5,6 and 7 again- those were the ones you wanted looked at in particular right? hope so.

I like chapter 7. there is some really good stuff in here. Although watch you keep your buildings straight- you use building 2 twice, contradicting your map! I would restructure the previous chapters like this. Starting as I said before with a brief meet and greet with Aldous,cutting most of the 'what a paragon is' jargon. We have enough to be getting on with, then moving on to dinner with iris and so on. Personally I would also make the divide between the two sections- mercenaries and paragons- more concrete. Perhaps have them eating in seperate shifts, but visible through the window out training. That would also make her ability to hear them even more remarkable. Or if you don't want it to be that remarkable, then you could just clearly divide the cafeteria up, have a path blocked out in painted lines through the middle. I just feel it woudl make it clearer that this is a) a superhuman ability and b) they are secret.
Also the horrible thoughts- might be worth making this a moment- have her focus on one particular soldier, catching him looking at them and hearing his thoughts aloud- perhaps having her break off in revulsion as it gets really crude.
Like the conversation and the relationship hints as they were eating. Its nice to see the friendships coming alive.

All the paragons are blending a bit, with only a few standing out. If you introduce them as you have in this chapter, through direct and individual contact with Keira it is easier to get a sense of them and remember their names and abilities this way.
My favourite bit so far was when they were sorting out her sleeping arrangements and the twins are playing their game. I really liked where one of them gave her a glimpse into the reality of war. More stuff like this, casual, but perhaps with a hint of bitterness, kind of does your job for you in terms of helping us understand Keira's feelings- i think it would sound horrifying to most of us.

i have one concern and its starting to worry me. It may be addressed later on but thought i should mention it. What is the intent with Aiden and Keira's relationship? I've been reading it as a love/hate situation which has a hint of sexual tension and is likely to develop, even if slowly over several books. But the information you have given suggests they are essentially twins. So...which is it?

hi Ellie,

I've read up to chapter 7 so far. I'll read more when I get a chance, but here are a few thoughts.

You open really strongly. You describe action very well, short, tense, matter of fact. It really fits the scene and the characters slightly inhuman nature. I am jealous as this is my biggest weakness! However I do think that you should cut it down, right where the fight ends. I feel too much information is given away. I know we kinda know quite a bit from the pitch but it still leaves us unsure enough to peak curiosity. We don't know what Aiden and the others know exactly, what kind of character, life, relationships they have, leaving all that open to be explored.

the next few chapters are where you introduce us to Keira. i think they probably go on a bit too long. chapters two, three and four could be condensed. I know everyone's favourite saying on here is 'show don't tell' but I think this is where telling is required. I liked the opening with Aiden at the beach and later with him and the twins, sort of taunting her, but the inbetween just dragged a bit. I'd pick one scene to really illustrate the family dynamic, maybe something like getting ready to go to school and work. I always think there is something really revealing about simple stuff like that, it will make the point of how she has grown up just an ordinary girl in a loving family. School needs no details- just tell us. she endures, she has no friends, keeps her head down and everyone leaves her alone. I didn't like the scene with the drug dealer. It felt unnecessary as it stood, which brings me to my next point- character.

Keira as your main character is verging on too perfect. I get that she is a paragon- but that doesn't affect character, only her physicality. I'm just not warming to her that much. It might be nice if we see her weaknesses- like the drug dealer scene- She walks away. She's learnt to mind her own business. Or even a touch of arrogance- she is better than everyone else. Perhaps she could acknowledge that internally- oddly arrogance is a weakness!

In chapters 5 and 6, we get her thrown into an incredible situation, but they feel like an info dump. I want to know what she is feeling. You're using this as an excuse to dump more info on us - she lists facts rather than deal with her emotions. But I don't want the facts. it's enough to know who Bruce Harper is, I don't need all those extra bio details. They can be slipped in later if they are absolutely crucial. If she is numb, thats okay, but I want to feel it. One way of doing this is to phrase things as though we are seeing them through her eyes, 'he must be Dr Clark, she guessed. There was something benign about his bespectacled appearance, reassuring in his familiar white coat' that sort of thing. You're not describing it, she is thinking it, feeling it.

Another way to stop us feeling alientated is to use more ordinary language. You often use words that feel cold and incongruous for both the settings and the character. for example, 'vigour' is what old people feel after long brisk walks, I doubt it is what you meant for a genetically engineered soldier whose potential is reaching its peak.
another is her back 'fetched' up. This suggests a casual nonchalent act, just use slammed. It works.
another 'the exhasution of her anger draining her' again just simplifying it to exhausted by her anger' gives a greater sense of feeling rather than describing.

There are lots. You also overwrite, telling us things that are easily inferred. 'she wiped them away furiously with her clenched fists' take out the 'her', it feels more chatty thus more like her voice, and we know they belong to her.
another, 'he smiled bitterly as he watched her breath stop as he said it' try instead, ' he smiled bitterly as her breath stopped' or as 'she caught her breath he smiled bitterly'

I don't like chapter 6 as it stands. It feels like one of the purest info dumps I have ever read. I want to get to know this world by seeing it unfold. Again I am not getting a sense of character. They all just follow this Aldous as he unloads? Would they really be that interested in her getting the meet and greet? I'd also ask who is Aldous? as in character wise? How does this group function on their own? Is there a hierarchial structure? Do they largely see to themselves and their own shcedules? Or do they always operate as a group? I'm not saying you don't give us this info later on, but here is the perfect place to show us. If I were writing this scene, I would probably have him do a brief, welcome to the madhouse speech, here is where you sleep, here is where you eat, this is your guide, and intersperse it with a few odd and scary lines- such as the info that they have bugged building 3. Drop them in casually- this is their normality. Give her reactions. i wouldn't have the others around. i'd introduce them one by one through the action, the reaction of each to her telling us of their character.

thats an overview of what I have read. I will keep reading and can give you a more detailed breakdown of chapters 5, 6 and 7 if you would find it helpful.

Hope it was helpful. Good luck- I hate editing!! Its where the fun ends and the work begins :)

YARG review for chapter 1:

This is a brilliant beginning. The characterisation was solid and it was easy to get a clear picture of what was happening. You link the chapter with the synopsis straight away but still maintain an air of mystery. The use of arabic terms gives it a sense of realism. Well done. I can't really find anything wrong with this chapter. Moving on.

This isn't the kind of book I usually go for, but was was very impressed by the sheer quality of the writing.

The book has a very dramatic, action packed opening, and the flow is quick and it is an easy read. The characters are totally believable, and am I sure this is going to be a longstanding and popular book on this site.

Carol

Great book with wonderful flow to it. Couldn't find anything wrong and no errors. This is a really good read and I plan on finishing it.

I don't have much to say because your story is written so very, very well. I was drawn in from the get go and never stopped. Aiden and Keira are such great characters. I can't wait to see this reach the desk!

LitCrit

Wow - this is great. Really great. Not a wasted word, pure economy of effort driving the action forwards. You have a superb skill in portraying characters. I've only read the first chapter (but will absolutely, definitely be back to read the rest - wish I had a laptop but am stuck with reading on my pc), but I already know (or think I do) so much about the characters. A brilliant premise and with writing of this quality we know that you will pull it off. Wishing you much success with Paragon. Can't see how you can fail, really!
Eva

Usually I'd try and leave as much as of a comment as possible, but I saw Kata's post praising Paragon yesterday and thought I'd take more of a look at it.
I've read the prologue and first few chapters and have really enjoyed it so far. I've shelved it (usually I wait until I'm further into the story) but with it being so close to the desk I thought I'd back it now.

Best of luck

John

You paint well with words.
I'm not a critic, just a lover of a good journey.

jim

I feel breathless after reading your first chapter. By far and wide the best thing I've read so far. You're prose it tight and suspenseful and I am genuinely interested in how the story is going to unfold.

I'll read a few more chapters just because I like it as soon as I get time. :)

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that Paragon is on my shelf, and my watch list, and i've commented... but I'm here to comment again because I really think it's that good, and I'd love to see this book in the top 5 THIS month... you're so close!

i'm showing my support and i've spread the word as best i can as well
cheers, and good luck!

Jaclyn Aurore
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that Paragon is on my shelf, and my watch list, and i've commented... but I'm here to comment again because I really think it's that good, and I'd love to see this book in the top 5 THIS month... you're so close!

i'm showing my support and i've spread the word as best i can as well
cheers, and good luck!

Jaclyn Aurore
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

Wow! This is such an interesting novel! The blurb immediately caught my attention and I was hooked as soon as I started reading it. It is very easy to follow and I love the characters.
I really hope that you get this published because I want it on my bookshelf!
Love the cover as well.
All the best,
Jess :)
Would You Like Brains With That?

The topic and the cover drew me to this book. I don't like romance, and it seems to me that paragon is about a whole lot more than that just from the first couple of chapters, which is all I have read so far. Good character, very good writing, and an excellent theme. I'm sure this is publishable stuff. Well done.

Andrew

Good luck getting to the desk matey, this book surely has everything a publishers looking for. And a producer... :)

Kata

Hello,
Very nice writing. I've read chapters one through four and I love your characters. That's what pulled me in. Keira's outcast status at school, Ethan's hidden feelings for her. The relationship between the two, and the whole he's kind of a ladies man and she's the rough outcast. Brilliant.
I only have two notes. In chapter four there are a few typos.
"but every fibre of her body kept her in place" fibre I'm assuming should be fiber
"the breaks screeched" brakes instead of breaks

Wonderful story. It more than deserves a spot on my shelf. Best of luck to you.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

Hi Ellie - great start - I will read more when I have the time - just a constructive crit on paragraph two of prologue- the old adage 'show don't tell' - rather than have 'his contempt was just as imperceptible' something like 'the blank look on his face concealed just as much except for the flash in his eyes.' Let the reader do some work especially this early - "what is that flash?" etc (will make more comments later - once I read more)

James Wearne

Hi Ellie - great start - I will read more when I have the time - just a constructive crit on paragraph two of prologue- the old adage 'show don't tell' - rather than have 'his contempt was just as imperceptible' something like 'the blank look on his face concealed just as much except for the flash in his eyes.' Let the reader do some work especially this early - "what is that flash?" etc (will make more comments later - once I read more)

James Wearne