Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 118949
date submitted 26.03.2012
date updated 28.04.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: moderate
complete

Paragon

E.R. McTaggart

Keira's got problems. They're about to get worse.

 

Keira Wallace isn't trying to be special. She isn't trying to be normal. She just wants to survive high school without killing anyone. That's proving difficult. Her next best plan is escaping town. The trouble is, that's exactly what Aiden has in mind.

Aiden is a killer, trained to be ruthless and efficient.  He's also Keira's genetic counterpart. When he takes her from home, he's hoping life will be easier. He couldn't be more wrong.

Keira wakes up with a new tattoo that brands her as the property of an arms manufacturer. As a genetically-engineered super-elite soldier, she'll never finish high school and good luck with that whole not killing thing.

Forced to fight for a company she despises, in a war she wants nothing to do with, this bewildered prodigy will be driven to the brink. If she jumps, everyone's going down with her.

Struggling to stay alive, and to retain her sense of self, Keira forms a tenuous bond with Aiden. But dreams of better things have no place on the battlefield.

Keira's about to learn what Aiden always knew: Nothing's fair in love and war, but everybody gets what they deserve.

 
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tags

afghanistan, dystopian, military, politics, young adult

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Disentangled Doom

The day you march away let the sun shine, 
 
Let everything be blue and gold and fair, 
 
Triumph of trumpets calling through bright air, 
 
Flags slanting, flowers flaunting not a sign 
 
That the unbearable is now to bear, 
 
The day you march away. 

- Grace Ellery Channing
 
 

 

    A knock on the door startled them into consciousness. Keira hastened to the cover of the bathroom while she listened to Aiden answer the door.

    “Can I do something for you, Kevin?” Aiden’s voice was cool, authoritative. It was the same unwelcome, impatient tone a door-to-door salesman might receive.

    “Commander Jackson wishes me to inform you that you and Omega-two have been listed.” Kevin sounded very nervous. She smiled a little, picturing Aiden, in his pyjamas, his arms folded over his chest, looking down on an older man and actually making him nervous.

    “Why did Commander Jackson send you to tell me this?”

    “Because-” Kevin paused, as if unsure how to address him. “I’m on your team.”

    “You?” Aiden was incredulous. “How large will the team be?”

    The question seemed to surprise Kevin, because his inflection was a question when he replied. “Four.”

    There was a pause. “And who are the other two?”

    Now Kevin seemed even more confused. “Well, there’s Omega-two, of course, and Martin Littleton.”

    Another pause. “When is deployment?”

    “Today. Twelve-hundred hours. I was asked to escort you and Omega-two to a debriefing in Building Six.”

    The smile slipped from Keira’s face. Deployment. That’s what they’d been listed for.

    “Tell Jackson that Omega-two is better off knowing nothing. You will debrief me here in one hour, once I have her under control.”

    “Are you certain?” Keira could hear the uncertainty in Kevin’s voice.

    “Just do it.”

    The door slammed closed.

    Keira sank to the floor. Head in her hands, back on the cabinet, feet touching the wall. She glanced at the watch on her wrist. It was after six o’clock in the morning. In less than six hours, she would be heading to war.

    No more games, no more preparation. No more pretending that maybe they wouldn’t actually use her for their intended purpose. She would have to stay alive amidst real bullets and maybe even kill. No, she would never kill. So most likely, she would just be killed.

    The Tattoo on her wrist burned. Property Of. She would do as they asked.

    Somewhere in the distance, a door creaked on hinges, but she was busy preparing for her date with the executioner. Her name was called. Did he not have the decency to allow her this last moment to collect herself, to say final prayers or make peace or whatever it was one did before they were sent to their deaths?

    Crouching in front of her now, his hand on her arm, unwittingly covering the tattoo, soothing in a way she didn’t want.

    “Don’t touch me!” she shrieked, shoving his hand away.

    He stepped back, closed the door, and left her alone.

    She wondered what they would do if she just sat here on the cold bathroom tile and refused to move. Would they drag her, kicking and screaming? Would they leave her there? Would they kill her?

    It was none of those three. They would do what they always had. Threaten her family. As she rose and washed her face with cold water, put her hands on the door, turned the knob, she wondered just how far she would bend in order to protect them.

    He was sitting on the bed, his fingers interlaced.

    “I’m better off knowing nothing?” she hissed.

    Instead of answering, he replied, “Can you send an email without using your own account?”

    She froze. Since she’d arrived, she’d wished desperately for a way to reach her family, to tell them at least that she was alive. However, the Paragons were not allowed to use computers unless under strict surveillance. Now she understood: Aiden had told the young man to give them an hour. Jackson, King, and everyone else would be at the debriefing, leaving a single precious hour for them to check the Internet.

    She nodded, unable to speak as conflicting emotions raged. 

    He did not meet her eyes, did not try to touch her as they moved along, and she was grateful. The very presence of him repulsed her, but she was grateful. She watched the set of his back as she trailed him, noticed the rigidity in his step. It wasn’t the stoop of guilt, it was the stiff posture of someone furious. Was he angry with her for her reaction? If he was, it only served to confirm how little he understood her despite being able to read her mind. Yet if he felt no shame for her position, why would he have taken this chance for her?

    They walked quickly, but casually, through to building six. The building was dark. Presumably, they were all in building one, listening to the debriefing. Only specialists and the Paragons worked in building six. Glancing over his shoulder, he pushed open the door, and slipped inside, Keira following.

    He went straight to King’s office. Keira lingered at the door nervously, when Aiden turned to look at her. “They check other computers regularly to make sure that we’re not using them. He wouldn’t expect us to have the… audacity to use his own.” He smiled his sly grin, but it was half-hearted.

    She bit her lip, remembering his lashes, but followed him to the computer and watched as he typed in the password.

    “Regina?”

    “His first wife,” Aiden said distractedly. “Died of breast cancer five years ago.”

    Keira felt a twinge of sympathy for King. She transferred it to his dead wife. “I didn’t know he was married.”

    “Seven kids. Six with the first, one with the second.”

    “That man has children?”

    “Yes. Seven. People aren’t black-and-white caricatures, Keira. Now, do you want to send an email, or not?” He stood up, and held out the leather chair for her.

    She sat down uncomfortably, and looked up at him.

    Understanding the meaning of her look, he nodded and said, “I’ll be watching for anyone. Don’t use your own account, and don’t send an email directly to anyone in your family; they’ve got their emails monitored.” Catching her horrified expression, he remained unrepentant. “What did you expect? Wipe the history when you’re done. Ten minutes.”

   

    The desktop was a photograph of six children ranging in age from teenagers to toddlers. They all had blonde hair and big smiles, and a pretty blonde woman held the youngest, her teeth shining bright white and her eyes gleaming. A real American family, Keira thought acerbically, though it disturbed her to know that the patriarch of this family was the same man who yelled obscenities and ordered she be shot at with bullets.

    In the corner of the desktop, an icon captioned Dead Ragheads caught her eye. Having been raised in a home where epithets were shocking and carefully avoided, Keira’s eyes could not accept such a politically incorrect word in 11-point white Calibri. The light from the offensive ordering of that string of letters travelled to her retina, along the optic nerve, and somewhere en route, morphed into a bright red, pulsing emblem in some abhorrent font, probably Comic Sans, overwhelming her brain with disgust.

    In fact, the word was enough to offend her in a way that no personal insults had since she’d arrived. She clicked on the icon.

    It was an email King had received from one of his mercenaries, with a message: For a laugh, when you’re so inclined. King hadn’t even bothered to change the formatting before saving it to his desktop. She opened the attachment, and her hand came to her mouth to stop from crying out.

    She bit down hard on the web of skin between her thumb and index finger as she stared at the photograph. A dead man, face down, blood smeared on the sandy ground. In the next shot, the man was flipped over, his jacket and shirt removed to show the bullet wounds in his chest. He wasn’t a man; he was only a boy, younger than Keira. In the following photo, the boy, completely naked and covered by only a jacket, lay prone. A soldier held up by the boy’s head by his curly, bloodstained hair and grinned at the camera, his free thumb pointed up in self-congratulations.

    She bit down harder, nearly choking on her own blood as she saw the subsequent image: another soldier, cigarette burning between his thumb and forefinger as he crouched next to the carnage of what was once a body; a blackened ribcage sprawled open above a pair of bloodied linen pants. Two dead men, tied up at their wrists with their backs together, both shot in the head. A severed head. The lower half of a stocking-clad leg, the foot still in the black shoe with a slight heel and a daisy imprinted into the leather strap.

    She was furious. Forgetting all plans, she navigated to the website James had started. It was a site that not only provided tide and weather information for Licksy’s (but never coordinates), but also commentary on the lives of surfers who frequented the beach; their exploits in the waves or with the Heron’s bartending staff. No one knew who ran the site, and James would surely not have been half as popular had he been outed. To maintain secrecy of the site, he used his IT prowess to ensure that the IP addresses of any administrators who logged on were untraceable. Keira helped James run the weather and tidal portion of the site, and as such, she could log in as an administrator. That was how she had planned to send her email, and how her fingers and fury were now planning to do much worse.    

    Acting quickly, she attached the file, and wrote a quick message.

 

    James,

    Don’t open the attachment at home. Go to Seattle for the weekend, and open it there. Send it – including the email address attached- to a news outlet. Tell them to look into Bruce Harper’s continued involvement with Jadis. Choose something Seattle-based, and don’t leave them any contact information. Wipe your history, and then forget about it.

    Tell my parents that I’m grateful for all they did for me. I do my best, but it’s hard to be good. Tell Iona to go to Emily Carr. Tell Ethan that I miss him, and I hope that all of his dreams come true, but not to wait for me, because I can’t come home.

     Be brave, James. Remember to be brave. 

     Get rid of this message when you’re done, and don’t reply.

 

    It was all she could say. Without signing off, she sent the message, erased the history, and shut down the computer. She felt a pang of fear for James as she walked out of the room. But it was done.

    Aiden was waiting in the hall. He nodded, and led her back to the room, where she sat on her bed, and he sat across from her, their eyes locked, until the knock on the door told them it was time to go.

    They walked out onto the runway at the eastern edge of the camp. A large, brown military aircraft had been taxied out of the hangar, and was stationed in the middle of the tarmac, and a group of twenty, including the eleven Paragons, were loading themselves into it. Unlike the stairs that led up to narrow doors of a civilian plane, this plane opened like a hatch from the rear, in order to accommodate cargo. Apart from her trip to Virginia, which didn’t count because she’d been entirely unconscious, Keira had never been on a plane before. She realized very quickly that her first time would not be very comfortable.

    Jackson handed her off to Sam and Cass, before turning on his heel and marching away. Sam nodded, but neither said a word. Cass handed her a life jacket and told her to put it on, which she did. Then he handed her a pair of enormous headphones, which she doubted very much were for watching movies, and told her to put those on. Finally, and most disconcertingly, he handed her a helmet, and told her to put that on. She doubted a helmet would do much good in the event of a crash. Regardless, she thanked him, and he led her up the ramp into the plane.

    It was essentially a metal cavern, with a row of seats on either side, facing each other. The others were already seated and strapped in with restraints that criss-crossed over their chests, which did nothing to ease her nerves. She took her seat next to Colton, who didn’t bother to grin, and Aiden took his seat next to her. After a moment of struggling with the unfamiliar fetters, Aldous strapped her in, and she tried not to recoil at his touch.

    She’d always imagined that the first time she flew, there would be packs of peanuts, a movie playing, and an aerial view that surpassed her imagination. But there were no windows in this plane. Track sat across from her, and she recalled the night that Aiden had beaten him to a pulp. He stared at her openly, watching her discomfort as the doors closed on the last chance she had of turning back. She wanted to close her eyes and wait till it was over, but Track’s disconcerting stare frustrated her. She glared back at him. He had sharp, thin features, a high brow, and a chin that looked as if God had pressed his thumb into it. His eyes were a bright, curious blue, and he seemed not to mind that she was obviously uncomfortable. If anything, her discomfort intrigued him most.

    To avoid his ogling, she closed her eyes, only to see the photographs on King’s computer. She opened them again, and steeled her gaze against Track’s. After a minute, he looked away.

    The plane started with a muffled roar. She held her breath as they taxied, picking up speed until it reached its limit, and the plane tilted upward. She had the odd sensation that all of her organs were floating upward inside her, but the rest of her body was strapped down. It was a bit like being in an elevator, only a million times worse.

    Once they were airborne, the feeling settled and she let out a long breath. The creep was still staring at her. She closed her eyes, and felt a sudden calm pass through her. Knowing it was Aiden trying to make her comfortable, she let him in on her thoughts, on the creep, on the images of severed limbs and blood and atrocity running through her mind. He just accepted them without trying to make her feel better.

    At some point, she must have fallen asleep, because Aiden was nudging her.

    “Get ready for landing,” he said.

    If take-off was bad, landing was perhaps one of the worst experiences of Keira’s life. The plane dropped in precipitous bounces over fifteen minutes, culminating in a screeching halt, from two hundred miles an hour to zero in less than five seconds. It felt like half of her body had landed with her, but she’d left the other half somewhere in the air.

    She unstrapped her belt hastily, despite her shaky hands. She needed to get off of the plane. Her legs wobbled as she stood up.

    “It’s only a refuel stop,” Aiden said, one hand on her wrist. “We’re not there yet.”

    She couldn’t answer. Her mouth was filling with saliva, a sure warning sign. Keira estimated she had about twenty seconds before her stomach turned on her.

    The hatch opened painfully slowly, and the rush of air was bone-chilling and refreshing, but it wasn’t enough. Her stomach gurgled impatiently. Not heeding the calls of the soldiers, she stumbled out of the plane and onto the tarmac, running blindly for twenty meters onto soft grass. She fell on her knees, and emptied her stomach. 

    Hearing a familiar laugh, Keira stood up, wiping the remnants of her last meal from the side of her mouth as Sam patted her back with unnecessary force. She stumbled and nearly stepped in her own emesis. She turned on him angrily, but he was grinning too hard to notice.

    “Smooth flight?” he smirked.

    “Where am I?”  

     “Near Sheffield.” He crossed his enormous arms over his chest. “You weren’t at the debriefing. We’re picking up two agents. M16 want to be brought into the fold, which is understandable, considering they hired us in the first place.”

    “Which means you need to get back on the plane,” Cass was there now.

    “Oh come on, let her have some air,” Aiden was suddenly beside her. “It’s not like King’s here to get us in trouble. They’ll just assume she’s non-combat, like Iris and Lin.”

    “Where’s King?” Keira asked, slightly confused.

    “He can’t come on tour,” Frankie said.

    “Why not?” she asked curiously.

    “There was an incident involving Suspiral men a few months ago. Too many civilians died, and Suspiral contracts have been suspended for the time being.” Frankie glanced meaningfully at Aiden. “Suspiral’s been the go-to contractor for years, and they can’t afford to lose the specialists they’ve trained. So they use Suspiral men, but under the MBB Company banner. That’s the beauty of sub-contracting.

    Keira was confused about how the three companies seemed to act as one.

    Frankie explained, “Jadis owns most of MBB’s stock, thereby virtually owning the company. Jadis builds oil wells for oil companies. They don’t actually drill the wells, but they get them built. Most of the new wells in Iraq are drilled by Jadis. This requires security though, because a lot of angry Iraqis try to blow up the wells. That’s the beauty of owning MBB. Mills, Black and Branch is a research and development company; they manufacture weapons and engineer oil field innovation. They also build camps for soldiers and provide paramilitary support. Basically, they’re involved in anything to do with war and oil, from the ground up. This comes round, because even though Jadis is paying MBB, they’re actually taking back those profits, because they own MBB.”

    “Where does Suspiral come into all of this?” Keira asked.

    Colton answered this time. “Suspiral attracts the best soldiers to work for them, and they have the best camp in the country.” Keira raised her eyebrows, dubious that the prison she’d lived for the past month could be considered that way. Colton continued, “Harper, on the other hand, has the advantage of being able to decide, on a national level, who profits from war. In return for the use of Suspiral’s men whenever he pleases, as well as a place he can keep us tucked away that’s not officially affiliated with him, Harper can offer Suspiral the best security contracts, and the ability to work with MBB. These mercenaries are all Suspiral-affiliated, but they often work for MBB, just as we will often work on official Suspiral missions. It works… synergistically.” Colton bit his lip. “I think that’s the word Jackson used.

    It was a brilliant scheme, Keira noted. Not only was Jadis – and Harper – making money from the plunder of war, but they were also making money by making war.

    They rest had all gathered, stretching and talking on the grass about fifty meters away. Sam and Cass went to join them, not wanting to be near Keira and her vomit, leaving her with the twins and Aiden. The other mercenaries stood at a distance, wondering at the odd group they’d been given the privilege of working with. Aldous came over to check on them, nodding at the Epsilons as they passed.     

    “Civilian planes are nowhere near as bad as the freighter,” Aldous told her. He held out some tissue for her, and she thanked him.

    Keira took a deep breath, and studied her surroundings. In the dark, the land was difficult to distinguish, but she could make out a large city by its twinkling lights in the distance. It was upsetting to know that this was all she would see of England.

    Aldous went on, “We’ll be deployed to Camp Haywood near Gardez. As you know, the Kappas have identified Kareem bin Mansoor, but Jadis had been reticent to share the information with any secret service initially. Now that contracts have been signed, we’re going in for extraction.

    “The unusually large number of mercenaries –” he gestured back towards the twenty men hanging out by the plane involved in the mission is a reflection of the unusually large number of insurgents guarding the caves where Mansoor is hiding. It’s no longer a program to take him out: we’re going to take out the entire network. We’ll arrive in Kabul, where we’ll meet up with Jackson, our Afghan liaison and the CIA agent who would be ‘running’ the mission.” He made quotation marks with his fingers, and the twins laughed. “From there we’ll travel to Gardez, the base from which they would complete the mission.” Aldous put a hand on Keira’s shoulder. Normally, we don’t include women in combat missions, but you’ve proved yourself an exemplary fighter.”

    “She’s not trained,” Aiden argued.

    “Doesn’t matter. With your combined talents…” he gave them a long look, hoping they might let him in on the secret. They did not. Aldous continued, unperturbed, “You’re both of unequivocal value. You can talk to Jackson about it if you want when we arrive, but I wouldn’t bother.” He glanced over his shoulder. A serious young man with sandy-blond hair, perhaps in his mid-twenties, was waiting beside the plane, his eyes trained on them curiously. Beside him, an authoritative-looking bald man waited impatiently. “There’s the MI6s. I’ll go meet them. Don’t worry,” Aldous smiled at Keira, “You’ll be great.” Then he glanced sternly at the young men. “Try not to act like… teenagers.”

    “But Alpha-one!” Frankie called as Aldous walked away, none too quietly, “They are teenagers.”

    Aldous looked back furiously. The twins burst into laughter. It was funny, in a pitiless way, because although it was true, no one would believe them.

    They were called back into the plane shortly thereafter. Keira steeled herself for take-off, but found it better the second time, when she knew what to expect. Once it was over, though, she kept her eyes closed, imagining the softness of moss against her fingertips, the smell of cedar bark. It so quiet she could hear the sound of an eagle’s wings, beating in the sky above.

    “Seems nice.” 

    Their hands were touching. Furious at having inadvertently shown Aiden her secret place, she demanded, “Show me something.”

    He closed his eyes. She saw black cliffs tumbling into blue water. An odd black sheep with a wind-swept coat. A house built into a green hill, its roof made of the same grass that encircled it.

    “Where?”

    “Faroe Islands. Training exercise four years ago. Your turn.”

    Keira frowned, self-conscious. “Not fair. I’ve not been anywhere. 

    “Go anyways.”

    Twisting her lips in concentration, she thought of cold salt spray as she moved with the waves, the exhilarating sensation of tumbling underwater- going round and round- as she was overcome by the ocean’s power.

    Confusion flowed from him. You liked that?”

    She grinned sheepishly. It was like going around inside a washing machine.

    There was the strange sensation of an inner laugh, and then he closed his eyes. Heat rising off sand dunes, swirling in golden blurs. A camel, spitting on Iris, her face red with fury. Apollo and Aiden, doubled over with laughter.

    They kept it up, sharing memories of favourite places or moments or thoughts. Sometimes the images were purposefully presented, others unwillingly conjured. A patch of berries. A grizzly snatching a salmon in its mouth. A boisterous bazaar. A herd of elephants. A particularly good meal. She thought of them; her sister’s sure strokes of paint over canvas, her mother’s hands digging through the garden, her father’s fingers tapping the steering wheel to the beat of the Beach Boys. Melted marshmallows at a bonfire; James and Sam fighting over roasting sticks; Ethan’s laughter.

    Sorry, she whispered, as Aiden shifted uncomfortably. Then she realized she shouldn’t be sorry, why should he be upset over images of her friends and family?

    Your turn,” she demanded.

    Keira saw sunrise over mist-blurred mountains, a world upside down, burnt orange above blue, and it seemed vaguely familiar, if not for the colours. Abruptly, it changed to a field of waving, golden wheat, a bright, blue sky overhead and a beating sun.

    “Hey, where was the first one?” She forced him back to the memory, and in her mind she was sitting next to him, and they were speaking aloud as they took in the sunrise.

    “Doesn’t matter,” he said, turning to her in their shared daydream. The lower half of the view was obscured as he tried to push her out of the memory.

    “Mount Isis,” she remembered persistently. “That was the view from the place where we camped. Where was I?

    “Unconscious. That’s why it was such a good memory.”

    Jerk. She elbowed him, pushing them both back into the present, and crossed her arms over her chest. No more games. When she gazed across the plane, she saw that the others had fallen asleep, their heads tipping at odd angles against the restraints of their belts. Apollo was staring at her, a quizzical expression on his divine face.

    She nudged Aiden and nodded towards Apollo, who was no longer staring at them. 

    “What?” He glanced over at Apollo. “He’s not a worry. Even if he did suspect about us, he’s the one person who would never tell.”

    “Why not?”

    Aiden grabbed her hand. They were standing in a room now, behind a glass wall, watching as Apollo argued with some unknown military man. Before them was a man on his knees with his wrists tied behind his back. Both of his eyes were swollen shut, and blood was pouring from his nose. His hair, the collar of his shirt, his face, were all dripping wet, and there was a large bucket of water in front of him. Waterboarding, Keira thought, remembered the name for that type of torture.

    “You didn’t need to do this,” Apollo was saying.

    “He wasn’t cooperating,” the man explained.

    “You should have waited for me,” Apollo reprimanded him.

    “He would tell us nothing,” the man went on.

    “No matter what you did to him, that would not have changed,” Apollo said quietly, before taking a seat in front of the tortured man.

    In the room behind the glass wall, Aiden turned to her and watched her repulsion. She looked up at him, and waited for an explanation. Aiden kept his eyes on her, but nodded towards Apollo. Apollo knows the value of a secret.

 

    Having eaten nothing in hours, she did not vomit the next time they landed. Her legs were weak, though. Apollo came over and passed her a bottle of Gatorade.

    She thanked him and drank deeply. As the hatch opened, Aiden reached into the pocket of the rucksack he had packed for her. He pulled out a pair of expensive-looking, black sunglasses and handed them to her.

    “Put these on,” he told her. “You can take them off inside, but don’t make eye contact with anyone.” 

    The air was bitingly cold, and very thin. She took a deep breath, trying to take in every scarce molecule of available oxygen. The familiar feeling of nose hairs freezing to icicles as she inhaled was a welcome one, though she knew she was far from home. 

    They’d landed at another base, but this one was not far from the city. The city itself was row upon countless row of tan blocks with empty windows, rolling up onto similarly coloured hills that circled the city like a bowl, giving the appearance of a giant, punched-in anthill. The city seemed as old as the mountains, and years of war and hunger had caused it to fall into disrepair.

    Occasionally, a building would be painted white, bright turquoise or pale pink, but the paint would be peeling, or a portion of the building crumbled, and the colour had faded. It didn’t matter; beyond the hills were magnificent, snow-capped mountains that rose into the air, brandishing their majesty like a defiant fist.

    When she imagined Afghanistan, her mind conjured explosions, poverty, and dust. She’d never thought it would be this lovely.

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HarperCollins Wrote

Paragon tells the story of Keira Wallace, a teenage outsider living in the small Canadian coastal town of Jack’s Creek. While, like most teenagers, she feels different and isolated from her friends and family around her, she has no idea how different she really is. After she is kidnapped, Keira wakes up in a military compound and is told something that makes her previous teenage angst seem rather inconsequential. She is a genetically engineered super-soldier who was lost at birth, and is now going to be used as a weapon by the arms manufacturer that created her. Similarities can be immediately drawn to Anthony Horowitz’s Alex Rider series. Paragon sits firmly in the YA genre, though there are some quite dark and violent moments. I enjoyed the first half of the novel and was particularly intrigued by the back-story. However, the second half does lose it’s way.

I would like to start by saying that this is very well written YA fiction. The transitions between well observed description and tight dialogue are smoothly handled. In particular, the dialogue between the younger characters in the novel is very well done. Frequently authors will bog down these interactions with excessive use of colloquialisms or forced attempts at humour. This could easily have happened when the boisterous and risible characters Frankie and Colton are introduced into the story. However, you successfully avoid these pitfalls and keep the exchanges believable and most importantly relatable.

The novel starts very well. The relationship between Keira and Ethan is believable and their interactions are well written. You build a sense of unease and incompatibility with her quiet town life successfully, and as a result the novel’s sudden shift when we find out about Keira’s true identity manages to avoid seeming too forced or unbelievable. I was very intrigued by the back-story of the Paragon program and the as-yet-not-entirely-explored or understood power that each soldier has.

After such a strong and tight start I was disappointed when the novel took a far broader turn. I understand that it was necessary to show Keira’s new powers but that did not need to become the new focus of the novel. When the story shifts to the Middle East the action and tempo increases, however at a similar speed it lost my attention. There is far too much discussion about the necessity of the War on Terror when they first arrive in Kabul. The themes and focus become far too broad and it descends into a generic discussion on the validity of war. Many previously important aspects of the plot are either forgotten entirely or now mentioned only in passing. The initially well-developed characters of Ethan and James become almost pointless by the end because they seem to have no use in the overall story. We are given brief hope that they will be properly reintroduced when Keira attempts to contact James. However, this plot point is not properly developed and has little impact.

The inclusion of the two separate insurgent attacks was one of the main reasons for the novel’s loss of focus and intrigue. Everything that needed to be accomplished for plot and character development was achieved in the first quick attack. Keira experienced real warfare and knew what it felt like to kill a man. This would have been a good point to really explore what that meant for her character, refocus the novel on the Paragon program, and direct the attention back to the real enemy of the novel, the Secretary of State. Instead, we remain in the same place while the characters pontificate on the horrors and futility of war and wait for another attack. It is because of this that when the end of the novel arrives, it feels abrupt and unexplained. The revelation of Aldous’s plan to take down the Paragon program should be the emotional climax of the novel. However, because we have been lost in the desert for the last hundred pages, the impact is significantly diminished.

I was so disappointed by the second half of the novel because I felt that the first half showed such promise. The technical quality of the writing is very strong throughout and I think that there is a great story in here. You seem to have attempted to hold a lot of the Paragon backstory back for the sequel and I would recommend including some of this in a rewrite of the second half. However, in it’s current form I do not think that I can recommend it to be taken forward.


Joe da Silva wrote 229 days ago

When I started reading this I thought that I had let myself in for a read more suited for teenagers than for an old goat like me. It looked as though it was going to be about teenage surfer heroes of some sort.
Boy was I wrong!
It is a great read for all ages. It is very well written in a flowing style that makes it difficult to put down. The characters are very well described and very real and you have managed to perfectly bring out all aspects of their individual personalities.
Yes, the heroes are indeed teenagers but the subject matter (terrorism and war in Iraq and Afganistan) is very topical and very adult although teenagers worldwide can also relate to it.
Nevertheless, in spite of the fact than it will appeal to an adult audience as well, I do believe that the main market for this book is going to be the teenage one. They are going to love it and I believe that it has the potential to go up against other teenage novels like the 'Twilight" books with a great deal of success. In fact I am surprised it has not been snapped up by a publisher yet because I think that after they read this book there are going to be large numbers of teenagers queuing to buy it and the ones that will no doubt follow it.
I notice that you have ended it perfectly to allow for future books about Keira and Aiden.
I also have no doubt that this will be in the top five by the end of this month and, as it is getting very close to being reviewed by a proper editor, I feel that I must point out that there are one or two things that still need to be cleaned up before it gets there so please forgive me if I seem to be nitpicking a bit.
The bit about Lickey's Beach in Chapter 4 : I don't understand how a beach can become clandestine after tourists have already discovered it?
Also in Chapter 4 you have used the word waved where it should be wave.
Nothing serious at all.
Very well done with this novel Elspeth

Trailer Bride wrote 278 days ago

Ellie

I read six chapters - but not chapter four because Authonomy wouldn't let me. I like everything about this book and would love to read the whole thing when it is published. I can say categorically that - based on the chapters read - it's one of the best five stories I have read on this site. It's the sort of story that beckons you on and, before you know it, you've lost the whole weekend. It has clear movie potential. But more than that, the writing is both tight and slightly stretching, by which I mean you paint vivid pictures and I occasionally check into a word to find that you used it in a way I would never have thought of. For example, "renege". This is a very good thing.

I love your characters, story, everything. I even love your chapter titles which make frequently me think of favourite songs or poems. For reasons we need not go into, Ceremonies of Innocence, for example, recalls not only Yeats but also Bob Dylan. In short, this book does not lack conviction and I admire it with a passionate intensity.

Very well done.

Evie

kata wrote 339 days ago

YARG review
After reading continuously in one sitting through to chapter seven I can happily back this book. This story is refreshing, and not like any YA story lines I have come across before. The style is compelling & promising, written with a sophisticated yet easy to read prose that is gripping from early on. The characters are well described and Keira's character is mature and appealing, with a strength of character that stands out in a deluge of weak female boy consumes characters on the market, being controlled by their male love interested and incapable of defending themselves, in need of protection at ever chapters end. Enough! We need more strong heroine's like Keira and less fainting Bella types as role models for YA readers! Very well edited, I feel this is a very publishable competent story.
I will continue to read this all the way through as is available.

Kate Malone
Twell

gajs78 wrote 411 days ago

At last I have started Paragon and I have to say I loved it. You write smoothly, your writing flows making it easy to continue. I read the first four chapters and found myself hooked. I always say when I read a book here that I am not one to critique, I come at every book as a reader. As a reader would I but this? Yes one hundred percent.

You have created a solid and believable central character in Keira, her home and teenage frustrations in it are realistic, her school life and her unpopularity (the horrible incident with the fish) will appeal to many insecure young adults.
You decribe her setting Jack's Creek so well it makes it easy to imagine, I could picture every thing as I read it. From her 90 foot jump, to Ethan, his gorgeous girlfriend and of course the accident.
Her nightmares returning (do they predict things to come?) her accident and smoking palms had me compelled. Kiara is no ordinary girl.
I think that this book has all the elements needed to engage the reader, a main character that is easy to identify with, suspense and fantasy.
A big well done and highly starred from me.
Brillant and well worth a read for those who haven't yet.
You are a natural writer and highly, highly talented. I would imagine that in the not too distant future that medicine will be a mere sideline for you!!!
Jayne

Zoe Ramone wrote 351 days ago

Excellent and captivating.

Duncan Frost wrote 49 days ago

Ebones!

First ELMORE LEONARD.

So the other day I was reading an interview between Martin Amis and Elmore Leonard. I won't make you read it but if you want to glance at the PDF it's over here. (http://www.martinamisweb.com/interviews_files/amis_int_leonard.pdf) Basically, Leonard said that he had always taken a very commercial approach to his writing. First he looked at the market to determine which genre he wrote in. He wanted a genre that was selling well. Secondly, he viewed his writing as "scenes." So before he started writing something, he would say to himself, "Okay, what is this scene supposed to do? How does it relate the rest of the book? What do I need to happen in this scene to move the story along?" I'm paraphrasing, of course. But for commercial purposes I can see how incredibly helpful Leonard's approach might be.

Now to PARAGON.

Your writing is terrific. Language, rhythm, detail -- you're the genuine article. The relationship between Kiera and Iona is fantastic. Sometimes I feel like I'm reading the work of an incredibly talented memoirist. I forget that it's fiction There are a lot of examples I could write down but that's not really all that helpful. Besides, hopefully by now you know who I am. I'm a lazy bastard.

I only have two problems with PARAGON.
1.) structure
2.) length

Fortunately these are easily fixed. They're not bad problems to have. Bad writing is a bad problem to have and usually can't be fixed. Also, the two problems are very much related to one another.

Your first chapter. what are you trying to do with it? I could be wrong but I think you're trying to:

1. Set up the military thing
2. Introduce the idea of Paragons as genetically superior.
3. Most importantly, connect the two major characters.

So here's what I'm thinking (and this is mos def my 2 cents only, if I was really good I wouldn't be on this damn website.)

1. We introduce the landscape --Iraq
2. We introduce the characters -- Aiden and the other Paragons, who are in a gun fight.
3. (This is different from your text) We introduce the idea that in the Middle East there's a weird interest in Western culture that contrasts with Islamic conservative values --Possible examples might include a Taco Bell next to a Muslim temple, the body of an insurgent wearing Levi denims and Ray Bans, Michael Jackson song playing in the background. Something along those lines.
4. (This is same from your text) Aiden and gang chase the kid.
5. They think the kid has a gun!
6. (This is different from your text.) There's a suspenseful moment where they don't know whether to shoot the kid. What do Iraq people speak? Farassi? Iraqueee? Yiddish? Maybe there's an unforeseen language barrier that causes the uncertainty. Maybe the kid is deaf. (Milk this moment.)
7. They don't shoot the kid. And he doesn't have gun. In fact it's a rolled up Sports Illustrated with Keira's purple eyes. And since we did Step 3, it totally makes sense.
8. In conclusion: We get a quick jolt of action, some suspense, and we don't have to go back to the military base to make the Keira connection, possibly giving your book a more contemporary pace.


Now the home scenes. If this was a Hollywood movie how much time does Mr. and Mrs. Wallace get on the screen? Since the story is about Aiden and Keira, they probably don't get that much. You pretty much need them to be stock characters. Not necessarily cliché, but easily recognizable. They'd probably just make sure we know that Mrs. Wallace is short, kind, and very self-possessed. And Mr. Wallace is a distinguished good-natured doctor. (Doctor too. Which might explain his connection to the genetic anomaly.) Iona's character, on the other hand, seems like she's a little more involved with the story so she gets a little more screen time, but I doubt she gets as much as you give her. For example, can she be reading (I like the dyslexia thing) in the car on the way to school? Etc.

The school scenes now. Okay what are we trying to show?
Once again --only guessing-- but the main thing is showing the reader that Keira's unique gifts have also turned her into a pariah at school. So the structure might go something like

1.) First: The locker with the psycho burned on. It tells us she's different for some reason.
2.) Then her day. Sitting in the loser row. Interactions with teachers. This is another part that could possibly use some trimming. And please note that there's a lot of wiggle room with 1. and 2.
3.) Finally the parking lot fight scene! This could be an unexpected payoff for a character who spends much of her time in school by herself.

(Random note: Did you see the new Spiderman movie? Notice what they did to make a cool-looking/attractive guy seem like he was an outsider at his school? They gave him glasses and made him stick up for a dork at school, thus aligning him with the school dorks. That was sort of clever. Maybe give Keira some glasses so that people don't stare at her purple eyes???)

The cereal thing was great. In fact, I think that's the only connection you need to get the Aiden and the crew back into the story. When Iona questions Keira about her food it's such a common thing that we don't see it coming at all! You don't need the lurking boy. I know this is hard --because I really like her diving off the cliff-- but I think you could probably cut that out too. (Or skillfully reposition it in the text.) As Hemingway said, Sometimes we have to kill off our darlings.

The other advantage to cutting the cliff diving scene (and possibly not mentioning yet the incident at school that made people turn on her) is that when Keira fights in the school parking lot there's more of a Revelation Moment for the reader. She's showing her "Paragon nature" for the first time. Use that situation. Whereas the way it's written now, I never thought for a second that she might lose or even get hurt in the parking lot. Actually, you know what? The more vulnerable you could make her appear before the parking lot scene the more A HA! that parking lot fight becomes. The tricky thing is that she's not actually vulnerable because she's a Paragon, but if you could make her seem vulnerable (You can be vulnerable in other ways besides physically and intellectually. You can be shy, sad, alone.) it might be one of those big character identifying moments. This is type of quick revelation is common enough in storytelling. Think Strider in Lord of the Rings. At first you think he might be a bad guy, but then a couple minutes later he turns out to be the best kind of person. At first you think Yoda is some weird little swamp creature, but a ten minutes later you find out he's a like the ultimate Jedi master. (IPR Yoda.) Etc. Etc. Etc. So maybe don't have Kiera drive 200 MPH to school. But after the fight, have her drive 200 MPH.

So here's a hypothetical structure for the beginning:

1. Iraq. Gun fight. Swimsuit issue.
2. Keira wakes up from her dream again. (Loved the writing and it would be a nice transition from the SI cover. Also, for some reason, there's something about introducing a new character when they "wake up." I can think of dozens of examples in movie/films. I think it has something to do with being introduced a new character who is introducing themselves to the conscious world.)
3. Keira goes downstairs and we briefly meet Mr. and Mrs. Wallace.
4. The Wallace girls go to school together, observing the speed limit.
5. Keira has a crappy day at school. (People likey underdog.)
6. Keira kicks some ass in the parking lot Paragon style!
7. The Wallace girls do 200 in the Jetta, dramatizing Keira's Paragoness.
8. Colton, the scamp, woofs down the purloined cereal and we're off!
9. I know that's a lot of balls to juggle at once, but if you could.... maybe get it all into three compact chapters... I'd imagine a lot of literary agents would have a hard time not wanting to read more.


Then again, Ellie, that's only looking at it from a commercial prospective. It's your book, your world. It's a well constructed world too. I'm not just saying that you make you feel good. That's not my style anyway. If I had stumbled upon a hardcopy of PARGON, the way it's written now, I wouldn't have even thought of such critiques. Honestly. I would have thought: wow, looks like the Canadian literati is starting to flourish. The writing is truly good. The only way that you don't already know your writing is terrific is if you have some sort of rare brain disorder, like body dysmorphia, but with prose.

Also, I change my mind all the time so by tomorrow I might write a critique which is utterly different from this one.

I've been on a reading tear lately so be warned, I plan to write more about PARAGON as soon as I get some more chapters into my brainskizzle.

abbydarlaaanne wrote 117 days ago

YARG review:
Prologue- you paint such a detailed picture at the beginning, that you can almost imagine yourself in this story. You're slowly building up the story, giving away just enough to keep the reader hooked. The prologue ends in a dramatic and intriguing way.

Chapter 1- The characters are interesting, and you've mixed quite a few different themes in which makes it well rounded. Intriguing ending to the chapter as well!

All in all, a very well written, interesting book
Abby

R.J. Stanley wrote 135 days ago

Hey E! YAY you made it to the top, knew you would!!!

Seringapatam wrote 154 days ago

Wow. Fantastic start. You certainly hit the ground running. This is a good story and a bit of Arabic thrown in for good measure. I didnt have to throw much effort in here as I felt as if I was already there. A brilliant start for me., Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Littleredriley wrote 176 days ago

High stars- still!

Your still on my WL and ive read a few more chapters. It seems to be tight and polished all the way through from what i can see. I still think Keira is a total bad-ass! ha ha.
You write with such ease (although im sure you've spent hours edited the heck out of it!) The story reminds me of The Hunger Games, but even better.

If im honest this isnt more normal book, but this wouldnt stop me buying it. Its creative, imaginative and keeps me on the edge of my seat every time i pick it up.

Good luck

Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

akmauldin wrote 185 days ago

YARG review

This is really well written! Just to be nit picky, I'm gonna give a few pointers to things that made me pause.

First--the semi colons. I was taught in school to use them to connect two sentences that need each other--but now a days most semi colons are being replaced with em-dashes. I've had to remove all my semis b/c of an editor's critique and replace them with commas when possible, or em-dashes. So b/c it was pointed out to me every time I came to one it made me stop.

Second--there were just a few passive words that slipped in there (this is so hard! I do this ALL the time). Try not to write things like "He started to climb" it should be "He climbed" or "He had ran out of ammo" should be "He ran out of ammo".

Third--I love a tense opening!!! Start with the good stuff. But I do feel like there was so much action for so long that I couldn't connect with the mc. Action is great--it is--but give us enough internal thoughts so that we can connect with the mc right off.

Now, this is me being picky. This is what I would tell my cp to take this from really good to perfect. This seems like it will be a tense read (which I LOVE).

I'll be back to read on past the first chap. I did really enjoy it :) Backed with 6 stars.

Amber-- Perfectly Broken

akmauldin wrote 187 days ago

Wow! This is wonderfully written. If I think the writing is weak, or the story is slow, then I simply move on without commenting, but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed this and look forward to getting to read more. I've backed your book and put it at highest stars--only because I think it's worthy. Sometimes I feel like this site is a popularity contest--when the focus should be on talent. You've got talent. Best of luck!


Amber- Perfectly Broken

Violet Ivy wrote 188 days ago

Wow this was amazing.
I looked up the definitio of your title.
par·a·gon (pr-gn, -gn)
n.
1. A model of excellence or perfection of a kind; a peerless example: a paragon of virtue.
2.
a. An unflawed diamond weighing at least 100 carats.
b. A very large spherical pearl.
3. Printing A type size of 20 points.
tr.v. par·a·goned, par·a·gon·ing, par·a·gons
1. To compare; parallel.
2. To equal; match.

You are number one for a reason. This is an incredible piece of work.
Best of luck
Violet Ivy

celticwriter wrote 188 days ago

...reading more...it truly is a movie (translation from my visual soul, meaning it's wonderful and the universe should read it/see it)

still happily on my shelf

AD59 wrote 190 days ago

This is excellent, tight, pacy and suspenseful! You deserve the number one spot. What was your inspiration?

nm101307 wrote 190 days ago

Good lord, I just read this whole thing in a matter of hours! All I can say is, Wow! Finally, a YA book that's not about sparkling vampires or werewolves. I'm quite happy there's a sequel, because I must confess I nearly cried when Keira was told that Aiden was dead (yes, yes, I know I'm a crybaby, no need to rub it in). Backed without a second thought, and I wish you the best with the editor's desk!

lauraemmons wrote 191 days ago

YARG review continued -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Here are some honest observations.

I personally cannot believe that there is any dystopian alternate reality, especially in our present timeframe, where all of this is manipulated by the Secretary of State. Being Austro-Canadian, or Canadian-austro, you may not follow the fine details of our governmental system. But no former defense contractor would ever be confirmed as Secretary of State because of fear of the exact scenario you paint in the book. I can easily believe that such a thing could come from the Secretary of Defense. Of course, in recent history it was the VP who was an evil, monstrous defense contractor with a bad heart. But if you’re looking for someone who would have access to an unlimited budget, little oversight and all the right connections, I’d go with SecDef.

Some of your chapters have a number and a title. Some just have a title. It should be consistent. Personally I like the number : title combination. Chapter 20 is numbered wrong.

In Chapter 12, you say they flew to Virginia, but earlier in the book you said it was West Virginia. Since I live in West Virginia I vote you change VA in Chapter 12 to WV.

It’s a shame for your book that in the time it took you to reach the point of publication, Bin Laden was killed. Perhaps you can replace him with a fictional bad guy so as not to date the book?

I wish you all the best in your bid for publication. Paragon deserves it.

lauraemmons wrote 191 days ago

YARG review -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Hi Ellie,
I know I said I was going to try and leave comments every few chapters because I was reading your book in between writing my own for NaNoWriMo but that's not how it worked out. I couldn't stop. I just kept going, chapter after chapter. Your book is that good. I did stop at 7 AM this morning to get a few hours’ sleep and to make sure that the kids were still breathing and everything. But then I went straight back to Paragon, until I finished it. My first reaction upon finishing the novel...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That can't be it! That's the end? Tell me…that's not all there is!

You see, I read fiction for pleasure. Unlike so many people on this website, I don't read a couple of chapters of someone else' book for political expediency. I read cover-to-cover because I enjoy it. I definitely enjoyed this book. I'm sure you know how good it is by now, being at number 1 and all. But honestly, I've seen some guano on this site make it to the top, and I haven't been here that long. Paragon is the real thing. I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Thank you.

The suspenseful premise is original. There are a lot of books about genetically altered heroes. But I really enjoyed the way you applied that idea to a vulnerable and sensitive young woman. I especially liked the poignancy of chapter 10, when she covered Aiden’s body with her own. I loved the way you built the character arc, as she loses her naiveté. I was moved by the way her relationship with Aiden developed. The comparison you used throughout of her emotional defenses coming down to ocean waves crashing was just beautiful. And I don’t think I remembered to breathe once throughout chapter 22.

lauraemmons wrote 191 days ago

YARG review -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Hi Ellie,
I know I said I was going to try and leave comments every few chapters because I was reading your book in between writing my own for NaNoWriMo but that's not how it worked out. I couldn't stop. I just kept going, chapter after chapter. Your book is that good. I did stop at 7 AM this morning to get a few hours’ sleep and to make sure that the kids were still breathing and everything. But then I went straight back to Paragon, until I finished it. My first reaction upon finishing the novel...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That can't be it! That's the end? Tell me…that's not all there is!

You see, I read fiction for pleasure. Unlike so many people on this website, I don't read a couple of chapters of someone else' book for political expediency. I read cover-to-cover because I enjoy it. I definitely enjoyed this book. I'm sure you know how good it is by now, being at number 1 and all. But honestly, I've seen some guano on this site make it to the top, and I haven't been here that long. Paragon is the real thing. I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Thank you.

The suspenseful premise is original. There are a lot of books about genetically altered heroes. But I really enjoyed the way you applied that idea to a vulnerable and sensitive young woman. I especially liked the poignancy of chapter 10, when she covered Aiden’s body with her own. I loved the way you built the character arc, as she loses her naiveté. I was moved by the way her relationship with Aiden developed. The comparison you used throughout of her emotional defenses coming down to ocean waves crashing was just beautiful. And I don’t think I remembered to breathe once throughout chapter 22.

M T Pelletier wrote 193 days ago

Great story and written with style...Pulled me right in...no wonder you are at #1. Best of luck.

MTPelletier
TWIGS AND PEBBLES

M T Pelletier wrote 193 days ago

Great story and written with style...Pulled me right in...no wonder you are at #1. Best of luck.

MTPelletier
TWIGS AND PEBBLES

Di Manzara wrote 194 days ago

Wow! Congratulations for making it to the top this month! :)

D

Argonaut Graves wrote 195 days ago

Paragon is a great read, it's a page-turner that rattles along and has a lot of very engaging elements. The heroine and the style of it remind me slightly of The Hunger Games. It's perfect for the YA market in my opinion, though if it was aimed squarely at adults I would find some of the characters and situations a bit too "clean".

In general the writing is great, but there is a certain amount of over-writing. This is a general point and I don't want to start listing specific examples — especially since others on this thread have already been very specific in their comments. Instead, let me just say that characters' mindsets, expressions and reactions seem to be described a little too often; it isn't necessary to tell us every emotion that flickers across someone's face. The dialogue does most of the work in many cases.

Also, some scenes go on a bit too long before coming to the point. This is particularly true with new information being revealed, but there are other scenes which seem entirely unnecessary. I guess the question you have to ask is, "What actually happened in that scene?" (By scene, I mean a beat or section, or short chapter.) For example, chapter 10 sees two of Keira's friends getting emotional over her disappearance. But it's a long scene and by the end, nothing substantial has either been discovered or resolved.

Anyway, I haven't finished it but read 12 chapters and was hooked by the story and style so well done, like it a lot.

AG

Duncan Frost wrote 195 days ago

Hey Ellie --

Well, you're numero uno on this website, so it's not like you need any real help or anything with ratings or critique. But I suppose I just wanted to take a peek at your libro and here I am.

The story is much different from anything I've ever really taken a look at before --so major kudos. Your attention to detail (such as weaponry, reference to the indigenous language) is most impressive and really gives the story an authenticity. I like too that you follow the "show don't tell" Cardinal rule in writing. That's not easy to keep up, but you seem pretty good at it. And you can definitely tell that you like to write. Which is probably my biggest concern with the Prologue. It seems dangerously over-written. As I'm sure you know, most people are going to be reading for characters and conflict. They're going to want you to set up the gunfight as soon as possible, give us some bodies, a type of mini-denouement, roll out some of your characters, and then blast them with a major reason to keep reading... All of this has to be done as soon and economically as possible. Basically, us poor scribes have to hit our marks in the story and move on. I'm afraid that today, more than ever, we face a moratorium on the dillydallying! Just because we can describe something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to be described. (I like how I'm talking about economy for such a long time. Polonius in the house, yawls!)

Also --I really like that the opening is set in Iraq. Why not let the reader know as soon as possible? Give us a heading. Or describe some of the signs in the 1st expository paragraph (which is the purpose of that paragraph, to set up the story.) as having "squiggly lines" or even better Arabic characters. Maybe one of the characters reminds Aiden of a snake crossing a road, or the shape of his favorite watercolor painting, whatever. But the Iraq thing is relevent to the story and the contempory Reader. Good job.

So below is just sort of a hack job at tightening up the prose. It's certainly not meant to be taken for anything other than a foil for possible comparison. That said, you're still the big cheese around here and I wish you luck on the Editor's desk. I've got plenty of shelf space so if you need a last minute bump, just let me know, I'd be more than happy to help. (Though I doubt you will need any.)

Best,
DF

------------------------------------------
The square was nothing more than an enclosure of dusty buildings. There were shattered windows and torn chunks of stone in almost every wall now. Above, warm wind whistled through the plaza before sweeping down and then over the bodies left putrefying in the heat. Besides the blood, there seemed to be absence of color. The young man was still waiting.

Aiden tucked himself further into the shadows. His skin was dark and dusty, his hair blending into the wall so well that it was nearly invisible. Twenty civilians dead without so much as a single enemy injury. The contractors had messed up.

He glanced over at the twins, awaiting their signal. Frankie and Colton were about twenty feet away, crouched behind one of the bullet-ridden vehicles.

The sound came first -- the quick click of a weapon being loaded.

The twins motioned with their fingers, indicating the source of the noise. Aiden nodded back, already eyeing the facade of an opposing building. He could see it now. The hole was about the size of a fist. Behind it, the enemy waited.

Positioning himself, Aiden's trousers scraped against the dirt. Soon, the clamor would take hold. He took aim. Killing was the easy part. Everything before and after was hard.

Another click -- his own weapon this time. Then there was only the dull thud of body hitting the ground as the remaining insurgents scattered, running for cover, giving away their positions, but never having a chance.

Aiden traced the sound of their footfalls, firing each time one materialized in front of a shot-out window with the tattered linens fluttering in the air. One by one, six men went down. It took only six hosts: three from Aiden, two from Frankie, and one from Colton. It was over in seconds. Aiden returned to the cover of the building, tucking himself back into the shadows, leaning his back against the rough stone wall.

In the silence, another solider might have assumed it was over. Aiden never made these types of assumptions and he knew it was never over. He swung his rifle, a 7.63-mm SCAR-heavy, over his shoulder and began to climb, listening for noises between each upward movement. He heard the swoosh of fabric and the pacing of bare feet, followed by a muffled, distinctly childish cry. Frankie held up two fingers.

------

{Then I would cut to the team ransacking the apartment. Something like:}

Once inside the apartment, Aiden snatched the dead man's gun. It was an M9, a pistol, almost certainly stolen from the body of an American soldier.

Frankie moved his head in the direction of the young boy moving in the apartment. "Aiden, retrain him while we search the place."


{The rest of this section is really strong as we are introduced to the other characters, and more importantly some conflict in the form of Why they have been recognized. I definitely dig that hook. The dialogue is very good too. Besides registering true, it also helps break up some of the direct description of the plaza and gunfight.}

------

bibbybop wrote 196 days ago

me again- yes I am procrastinating and you are my go- to escape of choice ;)

read through the next two chapters and just thought I would pop in to tell you I have nothing to say :p These are giving me exactly what I wanted from 5 and 6. I'm loving getting to see the world unfold, and phew- glad they're not twins :) Its such an intriguing relationship.

Especially loving the whole canadian/american rivalry. As a scot I completely empathise with being the wee sister overlooked by the big brother convinced they are the centre of the universe!

Tate Reese wrote 196 days ago

I have only read the first chapter and am already curious as to where this will take me. A good fluent read. Well done....

AD Ball wrote 197 days ago

YARG REViEW

I've read to the end of Chapter 4 and the end of that Chapter just wants me to read on and on and on. It's works like this which annoy me and delight me....I end up losing a lot of time but I'm reading a great book.

I thought your prologue worked well and was the most enjoyable of the chapters I read. It's action packed and just grabs the attention straight away, setting up the overall story nicely even if up until Chapter 4 we're catching up to the prologue. I like the dialogue of the characters and the nice interactions you have going on between them. They're set up well.

So yeah, to just conclude, I love this work and it makes me jealous how good it is.

Andrea Beauvais wrote 199 days ago

This is a cool idea - half human but half super-human soldiers. I get the feeling that they have an aura of invincibility. It reminds me of playing a video game where you are suddenly in god-mode for 15 seconds. I think the war in Afghanistan aspect makes the book more realistic... as if this could possibly be the future of warfare. Good work so far. Your short/long pitch really caught my eye.

I am not sure if anyone has commented on this before but in Afghanistan or other countries in that area, most of the citizens are actually members of a specific ethnic tribe and speak their respective local language. For example, most people in Afghanistan speak a variety of Pashtun not Arabic as it is a Persian country. I'm not an expert on that but it might be worthwhile to investigate further to add that extra "reality" factor to your first chapter.

Great stuff so far! Love the idea.

Eftborin wrote 199 days ago

Club Grimoire 2nd round
Hi Ellie,
Even though I thought the prologue was long, it stayed interesting from the outset. However, too much dialogue marred my enjoyment. Some annoying lines sprang out, particularly; "There were twenty dead civilians, Aiden," he hissed - How does one hiss when speaking?
Aldous pressed his lips together, "They've arranged for Iris, etc..."- How did he say that when his lips were pressed together?
Chap1; How do we know that Keira did a quick calculation in her head? I suggest 'she appeared to be making a quick calculation'.
I note that you have split the paras concerning Keira's sudden appearance in the kitchen. Again I suggest you should tell us she actually arrived at the house first.
It appears to be a chic lit so far.
Chap 2; The link with the prologue has emerged when Keira watches TV.
Did Keira catch the keys before slidding into the seat or did she press a button to start the car?
Some scenes seem to jump too quickly to the next without explanation.
I feel some could be deleted altogether as I think they are unnecessary, ie in the school.
Jury is out Ellie. Am trying hard to continue though because I have to evaluate the characters. The lad at the black SUV could be an interesting one to follow.
Pat




A Farris wrote 199 days ago

What a great prologue. Really pulls you in right from the beginning. It's really long enough to be a whole chapter. Your language is wonderful and you can form the heck out of a sentence. I think this goes beyond the YA genre and appeals to a really wide audience. You describe the world with such clarity that I could picture the creek setting to perfection. Great story :)

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 199 days ago

Elspeth,

Paragon is a stunning piece of work. The combination of tense, black-ops scenes with the life of a high-school oddball/outcast is unusual and compelling. The pieces of the story come together like a complex puzzle as bit by bit, secrets are revealed.

The BC setting is fabulous -- rugged and remote and beautiful. (I always have a soft spot for Northwest settings, but yours is especially well done). I love how Keira eats huge amounts without regarding it as odd, and how she just matter of factly climbs and jumps and drops. Because it's her doing it, she doesn't seem to have a sense of how unusual she is. She knows it, but doesn't at the same time. It's just how she is. Her family seems real and completely believable.

In three chapters I didn't find any typos or other nitpicks. The text is clean and addictively readable. I did feel like the Prologue was long and detailed enough to be a chapter in its own right, but that's your call.

Easy to see why this at the top of the charts right now! I'm adding my backing and 6 stars now.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

musemeant wrote 200 days ago

YARG review.

Wow. I can definitely see why this is number one on the reading list (good luck with that, by the way). You plunged me into your story from the very first word, latching on so tight, I couldn't stop reading. Your characters leap from the page; your plot is fascinating (Those violent eyes! I can't wait to find out what they mean!), your prose and dialogue tight and well written. I've heard that it's never a good idea to start with a fight scene (we still don't know the characters), but you did well with this. I got to know your characters as I read through the scene, beoming sympathetic with their plight.

Fabulous work. High stars.

Michele
Starfire

musemeant wrote 200 days ago

YARG review.

Wow. I can definitely see why this is number one on the reading list (good luck with that, by the way). You plunged me into your story from the very first word, latching on so tight, I couldn't stop reading. Your characters leap from the page; your plot is fascinating (Those violent eyes! I can't wait to find out what they mean!), your prose and dialogue tight and well written. I've heard that it's never a good idea to start with a fight scene (we still don't know the characters), but you did well with this. I got to know your characters as I read through the scene, beoming sympathetic with their plight.

Fabulous work. High stars.

Michele
Starfire

Peter J. Ford wrote 200 days ago

Wow this work is really tight and well thought out. I'm really impressed by how well it appeals to different audiences, I showed this to my sister and she wouldn't let me have my laptop back for a day :/ I think you've definitely got something good on your hands here and I really enjoyed reading it. Really strong characterisation of Keira, which pulls the reader through the plot very well.
-Pete

Gordon James Ritchie wrote 201 days ago

Hi Elspeth,

Firstly, off topic and probably unwanted (but I am a philologist and could not help myself), I love your name!

Moving onto the more important matters, I also love your work. On first glance it reminded me of my beloved childhood author, LE Modesitt Jr. Perhaps go give some of his work a read.
I've few suggestions, as it is hardly in need of an outsider's opinion. Here are some though:
1) I thought this line "The killing was the easy part; everything before and after was hard" might work better as "Killing was the easy part; the before and after was hard'.
2) "Ten feet above his head was a balcony, half of its bannister crumbled away" - from the context and text surrounding it, well, it seems like you meant to say "half of its bannister [had] crumbled away". Not sure how you meant it, though.
3) No more suggestions on grammar, but fantastic end to Chapter 1! Gripping.

Other than that, I find myself near to advising something dangerous. More often than not authors overuse adjectives, adverbs and descriptive words - yet your use is well refined, and I might even suggest fluffing up some of the action scenes with some cutting descriptions. However, this was a fleeting observation; I'm not even sure how much I mean to say it.

Great work, Elspeth. I recommend submitting straight to an agent and see where that takes you; the old-fashioned way of publishing is still the smartest right now - and your work is definitely deserving. Try Writer's House, David Higham or The Blair Partnership if you are keen to go down that route - although, pick your representative carefully (let them match your genre and vision).
May come back to consider backing your work soon, I just have to revise my bookshelf and see if all the other 5 books deserve it.

Best of luck,

superostah wrote 202 days ago

Wow, this opening chapter is fantastic. The imagery and the intensity of the scene are both so brilliantly laid out in words that it takes no work to picture everything. I may have stopped breathing a couple times while reading it.
This is some good stuff.
I'm backing you and will be back to read more as time permits.

Cody Media Productions wrote 202 days ago

Pretty sure this book is going to be the next #1. Keira is such a strong character. YA isn't necessarily my thing but this kind of transends that genre. will keep reading and keep it on my shelf!

bibbybop wrote 202 days ago

hello, me again.

Read through chapters 5,6 and 7 again- those were the ones you wanted looked at in particular right? hope so.

I like chapter 7. there is some really good stuff in here. Although watch you keep your buildings straight- you use building 2 twice, contradicting your map! I would restructure the previous chapters like this. Starting as I said before with a brief meet and greet with Aldous,cutting most of the 'what a paragon is' jargon. We have enough to be getting on with, then moving on to dinner with iris and so on. Personally I would also make the divide between the two sections- mercenaries and paragons- more concrete. Perhaps have them eating in seperate shifts, but visible through the window out training. That would also make her ability to hear them even more remarkable. Or if you don't want it to be that remarkable, then you could just clearly divide the cafeteria up, have a path blocked out in painted lines through the middle. I just feel it woudl make it clearer that this is a) a superhuman ability and b) they are secret.
Also the horrible thoughts- might be worth making this a moment- have her focus on one particular soldier, catching him looking at them and hearing his thoughts aloud- perhaps having her break off in revulsion as it gets really crude.
Like the conversation and the relationship hints as they were eating. Its nice to see the friendships coming alive.

All the paragons are blending a bit, with only a few standing out. If you introduce them as you have in this chapter, through direct and individual contact with Keira it is easier to get a sense of them and remember their names and abilities this way.
My favourite bit so far was when they were sorting out her sleeping arrangements and the twins are playing their game. I really liked where one of them gave her a glimpse into the reality of war. More stuff like this, casual, but perhaps with a hint of bitterness, kind of does your job for you in terms of helping us understand Keira's feelings- i think it would sound horrifying to most of us.

i have one concern and its starting to worry me. It may be addressed later on but thought i should mention it. What is the intent with Aiden and Keira's relationship? I've been reading it as a love/hate situation which has a hint of sexual tension and is likely to develop, even if slowly over several books. But the information you have given suggests they are essentially twins. So...which is it?

bibbybop wrote 203 days ago

hi Ellie,

I've read up to chapter 7 so far. I'll read more when I get a chance, but here are a few thoughts.

You open really strongly. You describe action very well, short, tense, matter of fact. It really fits the scene and the characters slightly inhuman nature. I am jealous as this is my biggest weakness! However I do think that you should cut it down, right where the fight ends. I feel too much information is given away. I know we kinda know quite a bit from the pitch but it still leaves us unsure enough to peak curiosity. We don't know what Aiden and the others know exactly, what kind of character, life, relationships they have, leaving all that open to be explored.

the next few chapters are where you introduce us to Keira. i think they probably go on a bit too long. chapters two, three and four could be condensed. I know everyone's favourite saying on here is 'show don't tell' but I think this is where telling is required. I liked the opening with Aiden at the beach and later with him and the twins, sort of taunting her, but the inbetween just dragged a bit. I'd pick one scene to really illustrate the family dynamic, maybe something like getting ready to go to school and work. I always think there is something really revealing about simple stuff like that, it will make the point of how she has grown up just an ordinary girl in a loving family. School needs no details- just tell us. she endures, she has no friends, keeps her head down and everyone leaves her alone. I didn't like the scene with the drug dealer. It felt unnecessary as it stood, which brings me to my next point- character.

Keira as your main character is verging on too perfect. I get that she is a paragon- but that doesn't affect character, only her physicality. I'm just not warming to her that much. It might be nice if we see her weaknesses- like the drug dealer scene- She walks away. She's learnt to mind her own business. Or even a touch of arrogance- she is better than everyone else. Perhaps she could acknowledge that internally- oddly arrogance is a weakness!

In chapters 5 and 6, we get her thrown into an incredible situation, but they feel like an info dump. I want to know what she is feeling. You're using this as an excuse to dump more info on us - she lists facts rather than deal with her emotions. But I don't want the facts. it's enough to know who Bruce Harper is, I don't need all those extra bio details. They can be slipped in later if they are absolutely crucial. If she is numb, thats okay, but I want to feel it. One way of doing this is to phrase things as though we are seeing them through her eyes, 'he must be Dr Clark, she guessed. There was something benign about his bespectacled appearance, reassuring in his familiar white coat' that sort of thing. You're not describing it, she is thinking it, feeling it.

Another way to stop us feeling alientated is to use more ordinary language. You often use words that feel cold and incongruous for both the settings and the character. for example, 'vigour' is what old people feel after long brisk walks, I doubt it is what you meant for a genetically engineered soldier whose potential is reaching its peak.
another is her back 'fetched' up. This suggests a casual nonchalent act, just use slammed. It works.
another 'the exhasution of her anger draining her' again just simplifying it to exhausted by her anger' gives a greater sense of feeling rather than describing.

There are lots. You also overwrite, telling us things that are easily inferred. 'she wiped them away furiously with her clenched fists' take out the 'her', it feels more chatty thus more like her voice, and we know they belong to her.
another, 'he smiled bitterly as he watched her breath stop as he said it' try instead, ' he smiled bitterly as her breath stopped' or as 'she caught her breath he smiled bitterly'

I don't like chapter 6 as it stands. It feels like one of the purest info dumps I have ever read. I want to get to know this world by seeing it unfold. Again I am not getting a sense of character. They all just follow this Aldous as he unloads? Would they really be that interested in her getting the meet and greet? I'd also ask who is Aldous? as in character wise? How does this group function on their own? Is there a hierarchial structure? Do they largely see to themselves and their own shcedules? Or do they always operate as a group? I'm not saying you don't give us this info later on, but here is the perfect place to show us. If I were writing this scene, I would probably have him do a brief, welcome to the madhouse speech, here is where you sleep, here is where you eat, this is your guide, and intersperse it with a few odd and scary lines- such as the info that they have bugged building 3. Drop them in casually- this is their normality. Give her reactions. i wouldn't have the others around. i'd introduce them one by one through the action, the reaction of each to her telling us of their character.

thats an overview of what I have read. I will keep reading and can give you a more detailed breakdown of chapters 5, 6 and 7 if you would find it helpful.

Hope it was helpful. Good luck- I hate editing!! Its where the fun ends and the work begins :)

S Tranger wrote 205 days ago

YARG review for chapter 1:

This is a brilliant beginning. The characterisation was solid and it was easy to get a clear picture of what was happening. You link the chapter with the synopsis straight away but still maintain an air of mystery. The use of arabic terms gives it a sense of realism. Well done. I can't really find anything wrong with this chapter. Moving on.

carol jefferies wrote 207 days ago

This isn't the kind of book I usually go for, but was was very impressed by the sheer quality of the writing.

The book has a very dramatic, action packed opening, and the flow is quick and it is an easy read. The characters are totally believable, and am I sure this is going to be a longstanding and popular book on this site.

Carol

Rick Hume wrote 207 days ago

Great book with wonderful flow to it. Couldn't find anything wrong and no errors. This is a really good read and I plan on finishing it.

LitCrit22222 wrote 210 days ago

I don't have much to say because your story is written so very, very well. I was drawn in from the get go and never stopped. Aiden and Keira are such great characters. I can't wait to see this reach the desk!

LitCrit

Eva H wrote 210 days ago

Wow - this is great. Really great. Not a wasted word, pure economy of effort driving the action forwards. You have a superb skill in portraying characters. I've only read the first chapter (but will absolutely, definitely be back to read the rest - wish I had a laptop but am stuck with reading on my pc), but I already know (or think I do) so much about the characters. A brilliant premise and with writing of this quality we know that you will pull it off. Wishing you much success with Paragon. Can't see how you can fail, really!
Eva

John Lovell wrote 211 days ago

Usually I'd try and leave as much as of a comment as possible, but I saw Kata's post praising Paragon yesterday and thought I'd take more of a look at it.
I've read the prologue and first few chapters and have really enjoyed it so far. I've shelved it (usually I wait until I'm further into the story) but with it being so close to the desk I thought I'd back it now.

Best of luck

John

celticwriter wrote 211 days ago

You paint well with words.
I'm not a critic, just a lover of a good journey.

jim

c.carrig wrote 211 days ago

I feel breathless after reading your first chapter. By far and wide the best thing I've read so far. You're prose it tight and suspenseful and I am genuinely interested in how the story is going to unfold.

I'll read a few more chapters just because I like it as soon as I get time. :)

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 212 days ago

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that Paragon is on my shelf, and my watch list, and i've commented... but I'm here to comment again because I really think it's that good, and I'd love to see this book in the top 5 THIS month... you're so close!

i'm showing my support and i've spread the word as best i can as well
cheers, and good luck!

Jaclyn Aurore
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 212 days ago

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that Paragon is on my shelf, and my watch list, and i've commented... but I'm here to comment again because I really think it's that good, and I'd love to see this book in the top 5 THIS month... you're so close!

i'm showing my support and i've spread the word as best i can as well
cheers, and good luck!

Jaclyn Aurore
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

JessW10 wrote 212 days ago

Wow! This is such an interesting novel! The blurb immediately caught my attention and I was hooked as soon as I started reading it. It is very easy to follow and I love the characters.
I really hope that you get this published because I want it on my bookshelf!
Love the cover as well.
All the best,
Jess :)
Would You Like Brains With That?

Andrew White wrote 213 days ago

The topic and the cover drew me to this book. I don't like romance, and it seems to me that paragon is about a whole lot more than that just from the first couple of chapters, which is all I have read so far. Good character, very good writing, and an excellent theme. I'm sure this is publishable stuff. Well done.

Andrew

kata wrote 214 days ago

Good luck getting to the desk matey, this book surely has everything a publishers looking for. And a producer... :)

Kata

lostprincess13 wrote 215 days ago

Hello,
Very nice writing. I've read chapters one through four and I love your characters. That's what pulled me in. Keira's outcast status at school, Ethan's hidden feelings for her. The relationship between the two, and the whole he's kind of a ladies man and she's the rough outcast. Brilliant.
I only have two notes. In chapter four there are a few typos.
"but every fibre of her body kept her in place" fibre I'm assuming should be fiber
"the breaks screeched" brakes instead of breaks

Wonderful story. It more than deserves a spot on my shelf. Best of luck to you.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

Jimmy Wearne wrote 216 days ago

Hi Ellie - great start - I will read more when I have the time - just a constructive crit on paragraph two of prologue- the old adage 'show don't tell' - rather than have 'his contempt was just as imperceptible' something like 'the blank look on his face concealed just as much except for the flash in his eyes.' Let the reader do some work especially this early - "what is that flash?" etc (will make more comments later - once I read more)

James Wearne

Jimmy Wearne wrote 216 days ago

Hi Ellie - great start - I will read more when I have the time - just a constructive crit on paragraph two of prologue- the old adage 'show don't tell' - rather than have 'his contempt was just as imperceptible' something like 'the blank look on his face concealed just as much except for the flash in his eyes.' Let the reader do some work especially this early - "what is that flash?" etc (will make more comments later - once I read more)

James Wearne