Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 118949
date submitted 26.03.2012
date updated 28.04.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: moderate
complete

Paragon

E.R. McTaggart

Keira's got problems. They're about to get worse.

 

Keira Wallace isn't trying to be special. She isn't trying to be normal. She just wants to survive high school without killing anyone. That's proving difficult. Her next best plan is escaping town. The trouble is, that's exactly what Aiden has in mind.

Aiden is a killer, trained to be ruthless and efficient.  He's also Keira's genetic counterpart. When he takes her from home, he's hoping life will be easier. He couldn't be more wrong.

Keira wakes up with a new tattoo that brands her as the property of an arms manufacturer. As a genetically-engineered super-elite soldier, she'll never finish high school and good luck with that whole not killing thing.

Forced to fight for a company she despises, in a war she wants nothing to do with, this bewildered prodigy will be driven to the brink. If she jumps, everyone's going down with her.

Struggling to stay alive, and to retain her sense of self, Keira forms a tenuous bond with Aiden. But dreams of better things have no place on the battlefield.

Keira's about to learn what Aiden always knew: Nothing's fair in love and war, but everybody gets what they deserve.

 
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tags

afghanistan, dystopian, military, politics, young adult

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IV. The Widening Gyre

 

General, man is very useful.
 
He can fly and he can kill.
 
But he has one defect:
 
He can think.

– Bertolt Brecht

 

 

She dreamt again of amethyst lights. She wanted nothing more to do with them. Moments of terrifying lucidity punctured her nightmare: distorted faces gazing over her; her arms and legs struggling uselessly against impossible strength; the sound of her own scream, fading away, until there was nothing but silence and amethyst lights. 

A slow and steady beep echoed the toll of Keira’s heart.

“Heart rate, twenty beats per minute,” an English voice declared.

“That’s too slow, isn’t it, Dr. Clark?” a second voice asked.

“No, it’s simply more efficient,” the Englishman – Dr. Clark – explained. “Look at this graph – she’s perfect. Perfection perfected.”

“She ought to be. She cost enough,” the second voice grumbled. His voice changed, softening. “I must say, in sleep, she rivals Iris.”

“In sleep alone, I should hope, else we’re all in for a lot of trouble, Mr. Harper,” Dr. Clark laughed.

“And is she dangerous?” the second voice – apparently Mr. Harper – asked. 

“Oh very likely,” Dr. Clark replied, no hint of fear in his voice.

Keira couldn’t understand what they meant. Her eyes were still glued shut, but she could feel again. Round sticky pads were attached to her chest, wrists and ankles. She was lying on a narrow table, cold against her back. She felt the fabric of a thin gown covering her, and nothing underneath.  

Where are my clothes?

The disconcerting thought faded in the light of her next discovery.

Keira was paralyzed. She struggled to open her eyes to see or mouth to scream, but every fibre of muscle remained flaccid and useless. The incessant beeping mimicked her panic, and more tones and bells joined in the menacing song. Waves of terror coursed through her powerless body.

“Oh dear. The anaesthetic’s worn off before the muscle relaxant.” Dr. Clark stated, sounding utterly unconcerned. “She’ll be awake now, and terrified. Stand back, sir. Kappas, Omega-one, get in here,” he barked in a strange code.

“Why not the Epsilons?” Harper asked.

“They would only frighten her more, Mr. Harper,” Dr. Clark explained brusquely. “Now I must ask you to please leave the room. Beta-one, fetch the others.”

She heard footsteps coming into the room, footsteps leaving, a door slamming, and then she felt the push of a cool, burning liquid through her veins. Her little finger twitched. Her eyes fluttered, and slammed shut again. The squeak of a cry pressed through her lips.

“Omega-one,” Dr. Clark directed. “Touch her shoulder… no, through the fabric. Don’t touch her skin again.”

She felt the press of a fingertip, then two, through the fabric of her gown. A flicker of strength spread like a slow shock from the point of pressure, down her arm, and up to her neck. She opened her eyes again, and this time, they stayed open. Looking down on her was her nightmare. The sight of Aiden’s eyes so unhinged her that her first instinct was to flee.

    So she did, her limbs moving so swiftly that she could not control them.

    She twisted away from him like a whirlwind, leaping off of the examination table and landing on the other side. As she did, leads and cords tangled around her, sending machines into a cacophony of panicked beeps. She tugged at them desperately, only getting more tangled. 

    “Stop,” Aiden commanded, stalking around the table.

    She flinched back from him, but there was nowhere to go. Her back fetched up against a cold wall, and she knew she couldn’t dodge to one side or another without him touching her again. She shut her eyes tightly as he reached towards her.

    Rather than pain, she felt release as he untangled the leads, pulling them off her without touching her once. Once he’d stepped back, she opened her eyes- but kept them averted- taking in her surroundings instead. She was in a room with bright fluorescent lights, white-tiled walls and green laminate floor. There was a second table in the room, behind which sat three empty seats. They were black plastic, of the folding variety. On the opposite wall was a long mirror that almost certainly acted as a window from the other side. Everything was sterile-clean. 

    Three other people stood in the room: the tall, sapphire-eyed twins who’d been Aiden’s companions, and a russet-and-salt-haired, bespectacled man in a stained white coat. The twins were grinning as if there saw something hilarious in her appearance. The bespectacled Dr. Clark, conversely, looked a strange mixture of proud and sad as he gazed upon her. She wondered who else stared at her from beyond the mirror.

    “Keira,” she heard her name whispered, his voice so quiet she knew no one else could hear. She refused to look at him. Keeping her eyes down, she noticed that her forearm was bandaged with plastic wrap. Numbers and symbols were printed on the cling wrap, but she wasn’t sure what they meant. She heard Aiden sigh.

    “Keira, look at me,” Aiden commanded, his voice still soft. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to look at those eyes, to believe what she saw in them. “Don’t fight again. It will be easier if you do what they tell you.”

    His tone was oddly gentle, and the gentleness compelled her. She found her eyes battling her resolve, moving against her will, taking in his features in segments. Chin, determined. Lips, the upper as full as the lower, curved into the shape of a bird in flight. Mischievous nose. Cheekbones prominent. Unkempt, dark hair that had, from a distance, covered the frightening truth now revealed. Finally, they rested on his eyes; perhaps slightly different in shape, perhaps set a little deeper, but the irises were the exact same, the impossible bright violet of a lightning storm sky. They were her eyes.

    “You only took me, right?”

    The eyes that matched her own widened in surprise. “Is that what you’re worried about right now?”

    She said nothing in response, only kept his gaze on hers, willing truth from him.

    When he spoke, his tone was harsh again, and louder. “I left your friends alone. But don’t for a second think that they won’t use them against you if you don’t cooperate. Now will you stay still while you’re examined, or do we need to sedate you again?”

    She set her jaw, and determined to meet his gaze with a steely one of her own. It didn’t work. Keira was stuck in awe of it.

    Jerk, she thought.

    “That’s quite all right, Omega-one,” Dr. Clark said. “I think she’s adequately subdued. Now leave her alone before she gives you a much-deserved smack.”

    Obediently, Aiden stepped back.

    Dr. Clark frowned. “In fact, all of you leave. You’re putting her on edge.”

    The twins walked out the door, but Aiden lingered. “I want to stay.”

    Dr. Clark’s voice was low. “She’s afraid of you, most of all.”

    Aiden’s gaze swivelled from the doctor to Keira. She glared back at him. How could he expect anything less, when the last time he’d touched her, she’d felt like a bomb had gone off inside of her? He nodded, and shut the door behind him.

    “Come now, step away from the wall and let’s have a look at you,” Dr. Clark commanded gently.

    She stared at the doctor, and thought of her father. They seemed the same age, and of the same profession. That was as far as the similarities extended. He must have known she’d come unwillingly, which made him complicit in harming a patient. She wondered what her father would think. Nonetheless, she found her feet moving towards him deferentially.

    He walked around her in a slow, appraising circle. Here and there he placed his hands upon her back, her arms, her waist. His touch was clinical, thus not repulsive. He took her blood pressure, listened to her heart and her lungs, and felt her pulse. As he examined the facade of her body, she became aware of the changes inside. Keira buzzed with a strange and new strength. She felt and unprecedented awareness of each muscle: from the palms of her hand, to the arches of her feet, she understood her own body in a new way. She was brimming with vigour, which she should not have been after such a tumultuous night. She was awake.

    Dr. Clark took her hands in his, and with unsettling tenderness, rubbed silver cream into them and bandaged them. They prickled as the skin healed at an unnatural rate, and she turned them over, watching her own body in awe. Just as gently, Dr. Clark tended to the scrapes on her knees and elbows and left cheek, which must have occurred when she landed on the asphalt. Placing two fingers under her chin, he took in her face. As he did, there was a strange kind of proud delight in his own.

    Dr. Clark stepped away and jotted a few notes in her chart. Keira knew about medical charts. Each patient new received one. Hers should have been flat, with nothing in it. Instead, it was two inches thick. He sat down casually on the examination table, his feet on Harper’s chair.  “Have you had any illnesses in the past?”

    She shook her head.

    “Not even a cold?”

    She shrugged.

    He smiled knowingly. “Broken bones, accidents, or medical conditions?”

    She repeated the gesture, but then remembered. “Cardiomegaly.”

    Dr. Clark stared at her for a moment, obviously surprised, then grinned amusedly. “I suppose that prevented you from participating in physical education classes.”

    She nodded.

    “But you don’t believe you actually have a heart condition, do you?”

    Keira was suddenly interested in the mirrored window, and who was behind it, watching them. Dr. Clark had named a Mr. Harper, she recalled. She looked down again at her bandaged arm. It stung underneath the plastic wrap.

    Dr. Clark didn’t seem to mind her silence. “Well, Keira, apart from your unfortunate mutism, I’m sorry to say that you are in perfect health, and that you’ve grown up more beautifully than even I could have hoped for.”

    The statement startled her. Hesitant, she turned to him.

    Dr. Clark crossed his arms, his expression enormously- and incomprehensibly- disappointed. “You really don’t know, do you?”

    Keira’s shoulders sagged and tears stung her eyes. Her voice was barely a whisper, but it rang out with all the devastating inadequacies of her understanding. “Know what?”

    His arms dropped to his sides, and he seemed at a loss for words. Then the door swung open.

    Keira could not but gape at the stunningly beautiful woman who stepped over the threshold and into the room. Brown curls swirled over her shoulders, and she flicked a strand away from her perfect pink mouth. Even the unflattering fluorescent light sparked a glow off her flawless brown skin, rounding and softening sharp regal cheekbones into something warm. Inside a cave of wide, almond eyes were stashed priceless sparkling emeralds, cold and hard as stone.

      She was still staring when a man of equal beauty followed the woman. His skin was pale and pink, his hair a mass of golden curls. His eyes were the same bejeweled green, but warm and welcoming. When he turned those eyes upon her, Keira felt a shock of inexplicable familiarity.

    Before she could place it, three more men entered, each forgettable in face and form compared with the two who had come before them. Yet it was on these three, who settled their backsides upon their plastic thrones and set their appraising gazes on her, that Keira fixed her attention. The first was a blond man in his early forties, with blue eyes as shallow as a backyard swimming pool. He wore improvised fatigues: khakis and a forest-green t-shirt, and most disturbingly, a gun on his hip. As he took his place in the far left seat, she saw that he too, seemed vaguely familiar.

    On the right sat a thin, middle-aged man in a brown suit. He wore a distinctly more intelligent, and decidedly less decipherable expression than the blond man, and she was certain that she’d never laid eyes on this second man in her life. He glanced at her quickly, and then proceeded to open a thick file folder and flick through the pages. Immediately, she surmised that this man was the greater danger.

    Between them a shortish man settled onto his more prominent haunches and placed his hands on the table, lacing them together as he unabashedly evaluated her being. His gaze was utterly dehumanizing. His finely-tailored suit did nothing to improve his repulsiveness. She didn’t recognize him initially because on television, he had never appeared so unwell. Once she did, her mind raced with bewilderment.

    That was the man she’d seen on television. That was the Secretary of State.

    Bruce Harper’s skin was shiny and pale, his cheeks flushed with the hint of severe heart problems. Too many whiskeys had reddened his nose and rounded his belly. His skull was bald on top, tasselled by a circlet of flat-combed white hair, and crested with a few thin, remnant strands combed over the dome. Brown-rimmed glasses enlarged his watery blue, beady eyes, and the expression in them was magnified frighteningly. Bruce Harper stared back at her with the hungry eagerness of a child in a zoo.

    “Omega-two. Harper’s waxy cheeks folded back on themselves as his thin mouth moved in what she thought might be a smile, but it was difficult to tell, because frown lines had slashed so deeply down to his chin.

     

    Keira blinked.

    Harper furrowed his brow, as if she was supposed to know what he meant. Then he held up a hand and made a beckoning motion, and called out a slight variation on the meaningless code. “Omega-one.”

    Aiden slinked back into the room, and she took a step backwards automatically. Harper’s countenance was suddenly stern. “I assume this isn’t one of your mistakes?”

    “No,” Aiden replied.

    Harper eyed him suspiciously. “How can you be sure?”

    “Look at her.”

    “I am looking,” Harper snapped. “She’s not the first you’ve found.

    Aiden hesitated. He held up burned, raw palms. “It’s no mistake.”

    “Do it again, so that I can see it,” Harper ordered, sounding like a spoiled child.

    “Dr. Clark thinks it might not be safe,” He looked down at his hands as he continued, and there was something akin to disbelief in his tone. “The reaction… was stronger than expected.”

    “Well, I hope you can find a way to fix that.” The words were sincere, and they were a warning.

    Aiden just nodded.

    Harper turned back to her, and repeated that same strange phrase. “Omega-two.”

    Keira stared right back.

    “She does not know that name,” Aiden explained.

    “What name does she know, then?” Harper asked as he began to circle her, looking her up and down as if appraising a sculpture. Resisting the urge to flinch away from him, she lifted her stinging forearm to inspect the bloody letters under the plastic wrap. She wondered if she’d grazed herself on the asphalt.

    “Wallace.” Aiden spoke her last name only, but it appeared to appease the man. He continued in an oddly formal tone, “As you can see from the adoption papers I provided – ” Keira’s arm went limp, and she looked up at Aiden. “ – her parents had no idea of her origin, which is why I found it unnecessary to bring them in.” 

    “That was not your decision to make, Omega-one.” Harper paused his circling to chastise Aiden. Keira noticed Aiden’s eyes flash, but no facial muscle gave any sign of retort. Harper continued with another question. “How did she get into the adoption system?”

    Aiden pointed to the file on the table. “As you’ll see from the papers, the surrogate posed as her biological mother.”

    “And they believed her?”

    “Apparently.”

    “Ridiculous.” Harper made a noise of disdain. “Canadians.”

    Keira blinked slowly, trying to prevent the truth of what she’d just heard from leaking out of her eyes like tears.

    Aiden slouched over to the corner nearest the beautiful green-eyed man. He sank down onto a stool, melting into the shadows of the room, but Keira thought he might have been grinning at her. Keira found none of this funny. She went back to inspecting the bandage on her forearm. She squinted to read the distorted packaging. There was a symbol, and a number, as well as the letters. And then she realized that they weren’t written on the plastic wrap at all. The ink was etched into her arm.  

    P/O:MBB W2

    Harper appeared to be addressing her again. “Omega-two. You will no longer go by any name but that, for that is what you are. Do you understand?”

    The letters on her arm that corresponded to the name he gave her. She still had no idea what she was doing there, or why Bruce Harper was calling her a new name and implying that she had been adopted. It felt like reality, but she couldn’t say that she was not still dreaming.

    Taking her silence for affirmation, he snapped, “Deltas.”

    The two green-eyed beauties stepped forward and took their places on either side of the man like guards. It was enough for her to look away from her new markings. The Deltas blinked very slowly, and as they opened their eyes again, the whites and irises were all black, the pupils bloody crimson.

    Keira was petrified into stillness.

    “Jackson, the file.” Harper commanded.

    The thin suit named Jackson slid the open folder towards Harper. He turned the pages slowly- the sound of sliding paper interposed with occasional soft exclamations and chuckles as he perused- and removed a photograph and placed it on the table for her to see. Keira immediately recognized the charred home.

    “Female, fifteen, pulls three children from a burning building on August eighteenth two-thousand-and-six.” Harper looked up at Keira. “Tell me, Omega-two, why would this be in a police report, but not celebrated in a newspaper article?”

    It hadn’t been worth celebrating. The tragedy still haunted Greg and Linda Louis. Linda had contracted pneumonia, so Greg Louis asked his sister, Diane, to watch the children overnight. Diane was in no condition to be taking care of the children, but Greg had no one else to ask.

    Diane had too much to drink that evening and fell asleep on the couch with a cigarette in her hand, setting fire to the house. Keira, incidentally, had smelled the smoke as she drove home from Jack Creek, and had been lucky enough to reach the children in time. Nothing could be done for Diane.

    Greg had been distraught by the loss of his sister and wracked with guilt at leaving his children in her care. Keira and her parents, alongside Officer Collins, had promised never to make public the details of the heartbreaking mishap. So Keira, true to her promise, said nothing to anyone. And she continued to babysit the Louis kids whenever Greg and Linda asked.

    Harper continued, reading from another report. “Female, sixteen, and male, seventeen, pull couple from dangerous waters in Jack Creek on June sixth, two-thousand-and-seven. Also unreported.” He looked up at her and leered. “My, it sounds as if a furtive hero was in their midst.”

    Two silly tourists had gotten caught in a rip. Keira and Ethan had been fortunate enough to spot them struggling. By the time they reached them, the man was still above water, but the woman had sunk. Keira had stung her eyes searching underwater for her. She’d been fine, but her husband called an ambulance, which was the only reason it was ever reported. The couple had been highly embarrassed, and Keira had been highly annoyed. It wasn’t a story worth publishing.

    The sickly man flicked across more pages, then leaned forward and gazed at her with his beady eyes. “That’s only two of ten similar incidents. Why do you think someone went to such lengths to hide these feats?”

    No one had tried to hide them. They weren’t feats at all, and no one involved wanted them advertised.

    “But this event, on October thirty-first, two thousand and four,” he declared, ignoring her silence. He laid a photograph on the table. “This is what interests me most.”

    It was the image of a brutally battered young man; broken nose, black eyes, missing teeth, bruised chest. Every part of his body that was not bruised or deformed was otherwise covered in blood. From the photograph, it wasn’t even clear if he was dead or alive. Keira flinched and looked away, burning with shame.

    Jason. Even the thought of his name made her sick.

    “You put him in the bed of his own truck and drove him to the hospital, despite the fact that you had no driver’s license at the time, and then you turned yourself in, yet no charges were ever pressed. Why is that?” He asked.

    She stared at her hands: they were the hands of a butcher, a psycho, and every other name that she’d ever been called. That had been the worst part about the name-calling: they were all true names. She closed her eyes, and wished that he would put the photograph away.

    Seeing that she still refused to look at the photo, Harper picked it up to admire. He made a clucking sound with his tongue, and praised her. “It’s astounding, what you were able to do at only thirteen years old with your bare hands.”

    It was all she could do to keep her breathing under control, and her fingers from shaking.

    “Omega-two, do you know what you are?”

    She looked up at Harper and blinked. He would tell her soon enough.

    His eyes narrowed. “How old are you?”

    He had that damned file, so must have known. She did not reply.

    “This can be much more difficult, if you prefer,” the man warned.

    She waited for him to elucidate how it might be so.

    Her look, otherworldly and inscrutable, moved him to fury.

    “Damn you!” he yelled, slamming his hands on the desk. “Epsilons!”

    Two more men came through the door; they had to duck. The first thing she noticed was their size. They were juggernauts, not men; each clearing seven feet in height and of equally dominating width, their too-tight gray shirts stretched over excessive musculature. The second was their eyes: bright golden orbs like champions’ medallions. Otherwise, they looked nothing alike.

    One had ebony skin that might have been polished, and his bare scalp shone even in the dim fluorescent light. The other was taller, with olive skin and brown curls that circled his head like a wreath. When she looked upon them, she saw any god of war who had ever been conjured. None of them, not the Epsilons or the Deltas or even Aiden, seemed entirely human.

    Harper broke her thoughts. “Speak, or I will have them break a bone for every answer you do not give.”

    She did not doubt him, but she remained mute.

    He matched her gaze, his mind working. She could almost hear cogwheels turning with his effort. He cleared his throat, calming suddenly, and shuffled the file’s papers. “David Wallace. That’s the man you consider your father?”

    Her eyes flashed. That made her angry. 

    “And Jane Wallace, your mother? Iona Wallace, your sister?”

    She waited for his threat, feeling the rage rushing through each pulse of her blood.

    “You were adopted in infancy. Did you ever wonder about your birth?”

    The frosty silence was maintained, but she could not help the thrust of her throat as the muscles tightened around her neck. She kept her trembling fists at her sides, where he could not see them.

    His brow knitted together quizzically. “You did know that you are not actually related to a single one of them, didn’t you?”

    Her fingernails cut so deeply into her palms, they started to bleed. She didn’t flinch at the pain.

    “You don’t remotely resemble either parent.” He shook his head sadly, and placed each photo in front of her, revealing a bluish tint to the beds underneath each tar-stained fingernail. This man was not long for the world, she thought without regret. Then her eyes fell on the photographs: Iona, laughing with a boy outside of their school; David and Jane, getting into their Jetta after work. “Why would they tell you that?”

    She stared at each of them: Sister, Father, Mother. Genetic anomaly, they’d joked. Rage shuddered against its container of skin.

    His voice was much softer, as if victorious. “Tell me, Omega-two. How old are you?

    She would not give him victory. She said nothing. Her skin was boiling, and she thought she might explode. Instead, she played a game that she always played, a survival game of sorts: she focused on the facts.

    Bruce Harper, Secretary of State of the United States of America.

    Bruce Harper, sixty-two years old, a former CEO of Jadis; a Fortune 500 Company and leader in the energy sector. 

    Bruce Harper has endured two previous heart attacks.

    Keira almost smiled as she remembered the last fact.

    Infuriated by her silence, Harper stood and pounded on the table. “Which one dies first?” He shouted, spittle dripping from his lip.

    Our genetic anomaly, they’d called her, and they’d never once yelled or threatened. She looked up and hardened her gaze. “You, with any luck.”

    In the corner of the room, Aiden snorted softly, but Harper did not hear. He swatted the photos away with a furious sweep of the hand. “Whom do you work for?”

    The question was so absurd, she felt like laughing. Though she did not, her eyebrows lifted. She looked at the man like he was the stupidest person she’d ever met in her life, which, at this point, he was shaping into. She was slightly alarmed, in light of his considerably deficient wit and obvious ill health, at how powerful this man was. “Sometimes I babysit on weekends. Mostly, I go to high school.”

    Harper looked down at the paper. “And how long have you lived in… Haidala?” He struggled with the pronunciation of the community’s name.

    She shrugged. “Always.”

    Harper did not look at her, but rather at the now black-eyed Deltas, as if for some reaction. They had none.

    The thin suit to Harper’s left spoke up. “Do you know anything about the Paragon program?”

    She shook her head.

    “Answer aloud please.”

    “No. I’ve never heard of the… Paragon program.”

    The man opened his mouth, but Harper jumped in first. “Do you know what you are?”

    She crossed her arms over her chest, hiding her balled fists. “I’d imagine you’re going to tell me.”

    “Do you know anything?” His tone was mocking.

    Keira added one more fact to her list.

    Bruce Harper never left high school.

    Having painted a sufficient portrait of him, Keira deigned to answer him fully for the first time. “I know that you, the Secretary of State, are apparently complicit in the abduction of a seventeen year old girl from another country, and thus clearly and most disturbingly unconcerned with the laws of international diplomacy. I cannot decide whether I know entirely too little, or already too much.”

    Aiden coughed. She’d never heard a cough sound so much like laughter.

    Harper’seyes narrowed as he deciphered her reply. “So you know who I am?”

    “Of course I do. But I can’t pretend to understand why either of us are here, having this conversation.”

    Instead of replying, Harper turned to the man who’d once been beautiful, before his eyes had gone hellish. “Did she not lie once?”

    “She speaks the truth,” the man confirmed.

    Harper turned back to Keira. “What you must understand, Omega-two, is that you are here, having this conversation with me, because I own you.

    Keira held her breath as she tried to quell the fury. Her game of facts would not work anymore: no facts could contain the rage she felt. Second by second, she grew closer to snapping, and the only thing that held her back was curiosity: she didn’t understand. How could she act, before she understood?

    Harper addressed the blond thug to his left. “King, I want her to begin training with your recruits tomorrow. She’ll have one month – I want her to be ready for the Mansoor mission.”

    Suddenly, Keira remembered why the blond man seemed familiar. His name was Dean King. He’d also been featured in the news the morning after her nightmare; the founder of Suspiral, a mercenary company that held billions of dollars in US government military contracts. Suspiral was the very same company responsible for the civilian killings in Iraq. Knowing this gave Keira little comfort. She didn’t understand the connection between Harper and King, but more importantly, she did not understand what either wanted with her.  

    King looked about to object, but Harper was already facing the other man. “Jackson, see to the rest of her indoctrination.”

    Jackson dipped his head. “She requires a more complete account of her origin and purpose. It would be best if the other Paragons explained it to her. She may be more responsive to them.”

     “They are her own kind of creature,” Harper agreed. “Very well. Do as you see fit. I’ll expect weekly reviews on her progress.” He stopped with his hand on the door, and turned to Aiden. “And Omega-one, for God’s sake, get a haircut.”

    With a parting, contemptuous glance at the shadowy figure in the corner, the Secretary of State turned and slammed the door behind him.

    King stood and cleared his throat. “You will report to the main field tomorrow at oh-six-hundred hours.”

    Keira blinked at him.

    “We have a meeting at thirteen hundred hours with the lawyers, Dean,” Jackson said slowly. He was flipping through the folder on the table again, not even bothering to look at King. “Building One.”

    King nodded stiffly, and exited through the same door as Harper.

    Jackson pushed away the folder. If he’d formed some judgement from his readings, he gave no sign of it.

    “Please get her a set of clothing, Delta-one, then gather the other Paragons in Building Two.”

    The red-haired woman obeyed promptly, and then there were only four in the room. Finally, Jackson addressed her.

    “I suppose you have a number of questions, Omega-two?”

    Keira had many questions. But she asked only one. She held up her left arm. “When did I get a tattoo?”

 

Chapters

5

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HarperCollins Wrote

Paragon tells the story of Keira Wallace, a teenage outsider living in the small Canadian coastal town of Jack’s Creek. While, like most teenagers, she feels different and isolated from her friends and family around her, she has no idea how different she really is. After she is kidnapped, Keira wakes up in a military compound and is told something that makes her previous teenage angst seem rather inconsequential. She is a genetically engineered super-soldier who was lost at birth, and is now going to be used as a weapon by the arms manufacturer that created her. Similarities can be immediately drawn to Anthony Horowitz’s Alex Rider series. Paragon sits firmly in the YA genre, though there are some quite dark and violent moments. I enjoyed the first half of the novel and was particularly intrigued by the back-story. However, the second half does lose it’s way.

I would like to start by saying that this is very well written YA fiction. The transitions between well observed description and tight dialogue are smoothly handled. In particular, the dialogue between the younger characters in the novel is very well done. Frequently authors will bog down these interactions with excessive use of colloquialisms or forced attempts at humour. This could easily have happened when the boisterous and risible characters Frankie and Colton are introduced into the story. However, you successfully avoid these pitfalls and keep the exchanges believable and most importantly relatable.

The novel starts very well. The relationship between Keira and Ethan is believable and their interactions are well written. You build a sense of unease and incompatibility with her quiet town life successfully, and as a result the novel’s sudden shift when we find out about Keira’s true identity manages to avoid seeming too forced or unbelievable. I was very intrigued by the back-story of the Paragon program and the as-yet-not-entirely-explored or understood power that each soldier has.

After such a strong and tight start I was disappointed when the novel took a far broader turn. I understand that it was necessary to show Keira’s new powers but that did not need to become the new focus of the novel. When the story shifts to the Middle East the action and tempo increases, however at a similar speed it lost my attention. There is far too much discussion about the necessity of the War on Terror when they first arrive in Kabul. The themes and focus become far too broad and it descends into a generic discussion on the validity of war. Many previously important aspects of the plot are either forgotten entirely or now mentioned only in passing. The initially well-developed characters of Ethan and James become almost pointless by the end because they seem to have no use in the overall story. We are given brief hope that they will be properly reintroduced when Keira attempts to contact James. However, this plot point is not properly developed and has little impact.

The inclusion of the two separate insurgent attacks was one of the main reasons for the novel’s loss of focus and intrigue. Everything that needed to be accomplished for plot and character development was achieved in the first quick attack. Keira experienced real warfare and knew what it felt like to kill a man. This would have been a good point to really explore what that meant for her character, refocus the novel on the Paragon program, and direct the attention back to the real enemy of the novel, the Secretary of State. Instead, we remain in the same place while the characters pontificate on the horrors and futility of war and wait for another attack. It is because of this that when the end of the novel arrives, it feels abrupt and unexplained. The revelation of Aldous’s plan to take down the Paragon program should be the emotional climax of the novel. However, because we have been lost in the desert for the last hundred pages, the impact is significantly diminished.

I was so disappointed by the second half of the novel because I felt that the first half showed such promise. The technical quality of the writing is very strong throughout and I think that there is a great story in here. You seem to have attempted to hold a lot of the Paragon backstory back for the sequel and I would recommend including some of this in a rewrite of the second half. However, in it’s current form I do not think that I can recommend it to be taken forward.


Joe da Silva wrote 258 days ago

When I started reading this I thought that I had let myself in for a read more suited for teenagers than for an old goat like me. It looked as though it was going to be about teenage surfer heroes of some sort.
Boy was I wrong!
It is a great read for all ages. It is very well written in a flowing style that makes it difficult to put down. The characters are very well described and very real and you have managed to perfectly bring out all aspects of their individual personalities.
Yes, the heroes are indeed teenagers but the subject matter (terrorism and war in Iraq and Afganistan) is very topical and very adult although teenagers worldwide can also relate to it.
Nevertheless, in spite of the fact than it will appeal to an adult audience as well, I do believe that the main market for this book is going to be the teenage one. They are going to love it and I believe that it has the potential to go up against other teenage novels like the 'Twilight" books with a great deal of success. In fact I am surprised it has not been snapped up by a publisher yet because I think that after they read this book there are going to be large numbers of teenagers queuing to buy it and the ones that will no doubt follow it.
I notice that you have ended it perfectly to allow for future books about Keira and Aiden.
I also have no doubt that this will be in the top five by the end of this month and, as it is getting very close to being reviewed by a proper editor, I feel that I must point out that there are one or two things that still need to be cleaned up before it gets there so please forgive me if I seem to be nitpicking a bit.
The bit about Lickey's Beach in Chapter 4 : I don't understand how a beach can become clandestine after tourists have already discovered it?
Also in Chapter 4 you have used the word waved where it should be wave.
Nothing serious at all.
Very well done with this novel Elspeth

Trailer Bride wrote 306 days ago

Ellie

I read six chapters - but not chapter four because Authonomy wouldn't let me. I like everything about this book and would love to read the whole thing when it is published. I can say categorically that - based on the chapters read - it's one of the best five stories I have read on this site. It's the sort of story that beckons you on and, before you know it, you've lost the whole weekend. It has clear movie potential. But more than that, the writing is both tight and slightly stretching, by which I mean you paint vivid pictures and I occasionally check into a word to find that you used it in a way I would never have thought of. For example, "renege". This is a very good thing.

I love your characters, story, everything. I even love your chapter titles which make frequently me think of favourite songs or poems. For reasons we need not go into, Ceremonies of Innocence, for example, recalls not only Yeats but also Bob Dylan. In short, this book does not lack conviction and I admire it with a passionate intensity.

Very well done.

Evie

kata wrote 367 days ago

YARG review
After reading continuously in one sitting through to chapter seven I can happily back this book. This story is refreshing, and not like any YA story lines I have come across before. The style is compelling & promising, written with a sophisticated yet easy to read prose that is gripping from early on. The characters are well described and Keira's character is mature and appealing, with a strength of character that stands out in a deluge of weak female boy consumes characters on the market, being controlled by their male love interested and incapable of defending themselves, in need of protection at ever chapters end. Enough! We need more strong heroine's like Keira and less fainting Bella types as role models for YA readers! Very well edited, I feel this is a very publishable competent story.
I will continue to read this all the way through as is available.

Kate Malone
Twell

gajs78 wrote 439 days ago

At last I have started Paragon and I have to say I loved it. You write smoothly, your writing flows making it easy to continue. I read the first four chapters and found myself hooked. I always say when I read a book here that I am not one to critique, I come at every book as a reader. As a reader would I but this? Yes one hundred percent.

You have created a solid and believable central character in Keira, her home and teenage frustrations in it are realistic, her school life and her unpopularity (the horrible incident with the fish) will appeal to many insecure young adults.
You decribe her setting Jack's Creek so well it makes it easy to imagine, I could picture every thing as I read it. From her 90 foot jump, to Ethan, his gorgeous girlfriend and of course the accident.
Her nightmares returning (do they predict things to come?) her accident and smoking palms had me compelled. Kiara is no ordinary girl.
I think that this book has all the elements needed to engage the reader, a main character that is easy to identify with, suspense and fantasy.
A big well done and highly starred from me.
Brillant and well worth a read for those who haven't yet.
You are a natural writer and highly, highly talented. I would imagine that in the not too distant future that medicine will be a mere sideline for you!!!
Jayne

Zoe Ramone wrote 379 days ago

Excellent and captivating.

Duncan Frost wrote 78 days ago

Ebones!

First ELMORE LEONARD.

So the other day I was reading an interview between Martin Amis and Elmore Leonard. I won't make you read it but if you want to glance at the PDF it's over here. (http://www.martinamisweb.com/interviews_files/amis_int_leonard.pdf) Basically, Leonard said that he had always taken a very commercial approach to his writing. First he looked at the market to determine which genre he wrote in. He wanted a genre that was selling well. Secondly, he viewed his writing as "scenes." So before he started writing something, he would say to himself, "Okay, what is this scene supposed to do? How does it relate the rest of the book? What do I need to happen in this scene to move the story along?" I'm paraphrasing, of course. But for commercial purposes I can see how incredibly helpful Leonard's approach might be.

Now to PARAGON.

Your writing is terrific. Language, rhythm, detail -- you're the genuine article. The relationship between Kiera and Iona is fantastic. Sometimes I feel like I'm reading the work of an incredibly talented memoirist. I forget that it's fiction There are a lot of examples I could write down but that's not really all that helpful. Besides, hopefully by now you know who I am. I'm a lazy bastard.

I only have two problems with PARAGON.
1.) structure
2.) length

Fortunately these are easily fixed. They're not bad problems to have. Bad writing is a bad problem to have and usually can't be fixed. Also, the two problems are very much related to one another.

Your first chapter. what are you trying to do with it? I could be wrong but I think you're trying to:

1. Set up the military thing
2. Introduce the idea of Paragons as genetically superior.
3. Most importantly, connect the two major characters.

So here's what I'm thinking (and this is mos def my 2 cents only, if I was really good I wouldn't be on this damn website.)

1. We introduce the landscape --Iraq
2. We introduce the characters -- Aiden and the other Paragons, who are in a gun fight.
3. (This is different from your text) We introduce the idea that in the Middle East there's a weird interest in Western culture that contrasts with Islamic conservative values --Possible examples might include a Taco Bell next to a Muslim temple, the body of an insurgent wearing Levi denims and Ray Bans, Michael Jackson song playing in the background. Something along those lines.
4. (This is same from your text) Aiden and gang chase the kid.
5. They think the kid has a gun!
6. (This is different from your text.) There's a suspenseful moment where they don't know whether to shoot the kid. What do Iraq people speak? Farassi? Iraqueee? Yiddish? Maybe there's an unforeseen language barrier that causes the uncertainty. Maybe the kid is deaf. (Milk this moment.)
7. They don't shoot the kid. And he doesn't have gun. In fact it's a rolled up Sports Illustrated with Keira's purple eyes. And since we did Step 3, it totally makes sense.
8. In conclusion: We get a quick jolt of action, some suspense, and we don't have to go back to the military base to make the Keira connection, possibly giving your book a more contemporary pace.


Now the home scenes. If this was a Hollywood movie how much time does Mr. and Mrs. Wallace get on the screen? Since the story is about Aiden and Keira, they probably don't get that much. You pretty much need them to be stock characters. Not necessarily cliché, but easily recognizable. They'd probably just make sure we know that Mrs. Wallace is short, kind, and very self-possessed. And Mr. Wallace is a distinguished good-natured doctor. (Doctor too. Which might explain his connection to the genetic anomaly.) Iona's character, on the other hand, seems like she's a little more involved with the story so she gets a little more screen time, but I doubt she gets as much as you give her. For example, can she be reading (I like the dyslexia thing) in the car on the way to school? Etc.

The school scenes now. Okay what are we trying to show?
Once again --only guessing-- but the main thing is showing the reader that Keira's unique gifts have also turned her into a pariah at school. So the structure might go something like

1.) First: The locker with the psycho burned on. It tells us she's different for some reason.
2.) Then her day. Sitting in the loser row. Interactions with teachers. This is another part that could possibly use some trimming. And please note that there's a lot of wiggle room with 1. and 2.
3.) Finally the parking lot fight scene! This could be an unexpected payoff for a character who spends much of her time in school by herself.

(Random note: Did you see the new Spiderman movie? Notice what they did to make a cool-looking/attractive guy seem like he was an outsider at his school? They gave him glasses and made him stick up for a dork at school, thus aligning him with the school dorks. That was sort of clever. Maybe give Keira some glasses so that people don't stare at her purple eyes???)

The cereal thing was great. In fact, I think that's the only connection you need to get the Aiden and the crew back into the story. When Iona questions Keira about her food it's such a common thing that we don't see it coming at all! You don't need the lurking boy. I know this is hard --because I really like her diving off the cliff-- but I think you could probably cut that out too. (Or skillfully reposition it in the text.) As Hemingway said, Sometimes we have to kill off our darlings.

The other advantage to cutting the cliff diving scene (and possibly not mentioning yet the incident at school that made people turn on her) is that when Keira fights in the school parking lot there's more of a Revelation Moment for the reader. She's showing her "Paragon nature" for the first time. Use that situation. Whereas the way it's written now, I never thought for a second that she might lose or even get hurt in the parking lot. Actually, you know what? The more vulnerable you could make her appear before the parking lot scene the more A HA! that parking lot fight becomes. The tricky thing is that she's not actually vulnerable because she's a Paragon, but if you could make her seem vulnerable (You can be vulnerable in other ways besides physically and intellectually. You can be shy, sad, alone.) it might be one of those big character identifying moments. This is type of quick revelation is common enough in storytelling. Think Strider in Lord of the Rings. At first you think he might be a bad guy, but then a couple minutes later he turns out to be the best kind of person. At first you think Yoda is some weird little swamp creature, but a ten minutes later you find out he's a like the ultimate Jedi master. (IPR Yoda.) Etc. Etc. Etc. So maybe don't have Kiera drive 200 MPH to school. But after the fight, have her drive 200 MPH.

So here's a hypothetical structure for the beginning:

1. Iraq. Gun fight. Swimsuit issue.
2. Keira wakes up from her dream again. (Loved the writing and it would be a nice transition from the SI cover. Also, for some reason, there's something about introducing a new character when they "wake up." I can think of dozens of examples in movie/films. I think it has something to do with being introduced a new character who is introducing themselves to the conscious world.)
3. Keira goes downstairs and we briefly meet Mr. and Mrs. Wallace.
4. The Wallace girls go to school together, observing the speed limit.
5. Keira has a crappy day at school. (People likey underdog.)
6. Keira kicks some ass in the parking lot Paragon style!
7. The Wallace girls do 200 in the Jetta, dramatizing Keira's Paragoness.
8. Colton, the scamp, woofs down the purloined cereal and we're off!
9. I know that's a lot of balls to juggle at once, but if you could.... maybe get it all into three compact chapters... I'd imagine a lot of literary agents would have a hard time not wanting to read more.


Then again, Ellie, that's only looking at it from a commercial prospective. It's your book, your world. It's a well constructed world too. I'm not just saying that you make you feel good. That's not my style anyway. If I had stumbled upon a hardcopy of PARGON, the way it's written now, I wouldn't have even thought of such critiques. Honestly. I would have thought: wow, looks like the Canadian literati is starting to flourish. The writing is truly good. The only way that you don't already know your writing is terrific is if you have some sort of rare brain disorder, like body dysmorphia, but with prose.

Also, I change my mind all the time so by tomorrow I might write a critique which is utterly different from this one.

I've been on a reading tear lately so be warned, I plan to write more about PARAGON as soon as I get some more chapters into my brainskizzle.

abbydarlaaanne wrote 145 days ago

YARG review:
Prologue- you paint such a detailed picture at the beginning, that you can almost imagine yourself in this story. You're slowly building up the story, giving away just enough to keep the reader hooked. The prologue ends in a dramatic and intriguing way.

Chapter 1- The characters are interesting, and you've mixed quite a few different themes in which makes it well rounded. Intriguing ending to the chapter as well!

All in all, a very well written, interesting book
Abby

R.J. Stanley wrote 163 days ago

Hey E! YAY you made it to the top, knew you would!!!

Seringapatam wrote 182 days ago

Wow. Fantastic start. You certainly hit the ground running. This is a good story and a bit of Arabic thrown in for good measure. I didnt have to throw much effort in here as I felt as if I was already there. A brilliant start for me., Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Littleredriley wrote 204 days ago

High stars- still!

Your still on my WL and ive read a few more chapters. It seems to be tight and polished all the way through from what i can see. I still think Keira is a total bad-ass! ha ha.
You write with such ease (although im sure you've spent hours edited the heck out of it!) The story reminds me of The Hunger Games, but even better.

If im honest this isnt more normal book, but this wouldnt stop me buying it. Its creative, imaginative and keeps me on the edge of my seat every time i pick it up.

Good luck

Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

akmauldin wrote 213 days ago

YARG review

This is really well written! Just to be nit picky, I'm gonna give a few pointers to things that made me pause.

First--the semi colons. I was taught in school to use them to connect two sentences that need each other--but now a days most semi colons are being replaced with em-dashes. I've had to remove all my semis b/c of an editor's critique and replace them with commas when possible, or em-dashes. So b/c it was pointed out to me every time I came to one it made me stop.

Second--there were just a few passive words that slipped in there (this is so hard! I do this ALL the time). Try not to write things like "He started to climb" it should be "He climbed" or "He had ran out of ammo" should be "He ran out of ammo".

Third--I love a tense opening!!! Start with the good stuff. But I do feel like there was so much action for so long that I couldn't connect with the mc. Action is great--it is--but give us enough internal thoughts so that we can connect with the mc right off.

Now, this is me being picky. This is what I would tell my cp to take this from really good to perfect. This seems like it will be a tense read (which I LOVE).

I'll be back to read on past the first chap. I did really enjoy it :) Backed with 6 stars.

Amber-- Perfectly Broken

akmauldin wrote 215 days ago

Wow! This is wonderfully written. If I think the writing is weak, or the story is slow, then I simply move on without commenting, but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed this and look forward to getting to read more. I've backed your book and put it at highest stars--only because I think it's worthy. Sometimes I feel like this site is a popularity contest--when the focus should be on talent. You've got talent. Best of luck!


Amber- Perfectly Broken

Violet Ivy wrote 216 days ago

Wow this was amazing.
I looked up the definitio of your title.
par·a·gon (pr-gn, -gn)
n.
1. A model of excellence or perfection of a kind; a peerless example: a paragon of virtue.
2.
a. An unflawed diamond weighing at least 100 carats.
b. A very large spherical pearl.
3. Printing A type size of 20 points.
tr.v. par·a·goned, par·a·gon·ing, par·a·gons
1. To compare; parallel.
2. To equal; match.

You are number one for a reason. This is an incredible piece of work.
Best of luck
Violet Ivy

celticwriter wrote 216 days ago

...reading more...it truly is a movie (translation from my visual soul, meaning it's wonderful and the universe should read it/see it)

still happily on my shelf

AD59 wrote 218 days ago

This is excellent, tight, pacy and suspenseful! You deserve the number one spot. What was your inspiration?

nm101307 wrote 218 days ago

Good lord, I just read this whole thing in a matter of hours! All I can say is, Wow! Finally, a YA book that's not about sparkling vampires or werewolves. I'm quite happy there's a sequel, because I must confess I nearly cried when Keira was told that Aiden was dead (yes, yes, I know I'm a crybaby, no need to rub it in). Backed without a second thought, and I wish you the best with the editor's desk!

lauraemmons wrote 219 days ago

YARG review continued -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Here are some honest observations.

I personally cannot believe that there is any dystopian alternate reality, especially in our present timeframe, where all of this is manipulated by the Secretary of State. Being Austro-Canadian, or Canadian-austro, you may not follow the fine details of our governmental system. But no former defense contractor would ever be confirmed as Secretary of State because of fear of the exact scenario you paint in the book. I can easily believe that such a thing could come from the Secretary of Defense. Of course, in recent history it was the VP who was an evil, monstrous defense contractor with a bad heart. But if you’re looking for someone who would have access to an unlimited budget, little oversight and all the right connections, I’d go with SecDef.

Some of your chapters have a number and a title. Some just have a title. It should be consistent. Personally I like the number : title combination. Chapter 20 is numbered wrong.

In Chapter 12, you say they flew to Virginia, but earlier in the book you said it was West Virginia. Since I live in West Virginia I vote you change VA in Chapter 12 to WV.

It’s a shame for your book that in the time it took you to reach the point of publication, Bin Laden was killed. Perhaps you can replace him with a fictional bad guy so as not to date the book?

I wish you all the best in your bid for publication. Paragon deserves it.

lauraemmons wrote 219 days ago

YARG review -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Hi Ellie,
I know I said I was going to try and leave comments every few chapters because I was reading your book in between writing my own for NaNoWriMo but that's not how it worked out. I couldn't stop. I just kept going, chapter after chapter. Your book is that good. I did stop at 7 AM this morning to get a few hours’ sleep and to make sure that the kids were still breathing and everything. But then I went straight back to Paragon, until I finished it. My first reaction upon finishing the novel...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That can't be it! That's the end? Tell me…that's not all there is!

You see, I read fiction for pleasure. Unlike so many people on this website, I don't read a couple of chapters of someone else' book for political expediency. I read cover-to-cover because I enjoy it. I definitely enjoyed this book. I'm sure you know how good it is by now, being at number 1 and all. But honestly, I've seen some guano on this site make it to the top, and I haven't been here that long. Paragon is the real thing. I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Thank you.

The suspenseful premise is original. There are a lot of books about genetically altered heroes. But I really enjoyed the way you applied that idea to a vulnerable and sensitive young woman. I especially liked the poignancy of chapter 10, when she covered Aiden’s body with her own. I loved the way you built the character arc, as she loses her naiveté. I was moved by the way her relationship with Aiden developed. The comparison you used throughout of her emotional defenses coming down to ocean waves crashing was just beautiful. And I don’t think I remembered to breathe once throughout chapter 22.

lauraemmons wrote 219 days ago

YARG review -- Paragon by E.R. McTaggert

Hi Ellie,
I know I said I was going to try and leave comments every few chapters because I was reading your book in between writing my own for NaNoWriMo but that's not how it worked out. I couldn't stop. I just kept going, chapter after chapter. Your book is that good. I did stop at 7 AM this morning to get a few hours’ sleep and to make sure that the kids were still breathing and everything. But then I went straight back to Paragon, until I finished it. My first reaction upon finishing the novel...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That can't be it! That's the end? Tell me…that's not all there is!

You see, I read fiction for pleasure. Unlike so many people on this website, I don't read a couple of chapters of someone else' book for political expediency. I read cover-to-cover because I enjoy it. I definitely enjoyed this book. I'm sure you know how good it is by now, being at number 1 and all. But honestly, I've seen some guano on this site make it to the top, and I haven't been here that long. Paragon is the real thing. I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Thank you.

The suspenseful premise is original. There are a lot of books about genetically altered heroes. But I really enjoyed the way you applied that idea to a vulnerable and sensitive young woman. I especially liked the poignancy of chapter 10, when she covered Aiden’s body with her own. I loved the way you built the character arc, as she loses her naiveté. I was moved by the way her relationship with Aiden developed. The comparison you used throughout of her emotional defenses coming down to ocean waves crashing was just beautiful. And I don’t think I remembered to breathe once throughout chapter 22.

M T Pelletier wrote 221 days ago

Great story and written with style...Pulled me right in...no wonder you are at #1. Best of luck.

MTPelletier
TWIGS AND PEBBLES

M T Pelletier wrote 221 days ago

Great story and written with style...Pulled me right in...no wonder you are at #1. Best of luck.

MTPelletier
TWIGS AND PEBBLES

Di Manzara wrote 222 days ago

Wow! Congratulations for making it to the top this month! :)

D

Argonaut Graves wrote 223 days ago

Paragon is a great read, it's a page-turner that rattles along and has a lot of very engaging elements. The heroine and the style of it remind me slightly of The Hunger Games. It's perfect for the YA market in my opinion, though if it was aimed squarely at adults I would find some of the characters and situations a bit too "clean".

In general the writing is great, but there is a certain amount of over-writing. This is a general point and I don't want to start listing specific examples — especially since others on this thread have already been very specific in their comments. Instead, let me just say that characters' mindsets, expressions and reactions seem to be described a little too often; it isn't necessary to tell us every emotion that flickers across someone's face. The dialogue does most of the work in many cases.

Also, some scenes go on a bit too long before coming to the point. This is particularly true with new information being revealed, but there are other scenes which seem entirely unnecessary. I guess the question you have to ask is, "What actually happened in that scene?" (By scene, I mean a beat or section, or short chapter.) For example, chapter 10 sees two of Keira's friends getting emotional over her disappearance. But it's a long scene and by the end, nothing substantial has either been discovered or resolved.

Anyway, I haven't finished it but read 12 chapters and was hooked by the story and style so well done, like it a lot.

AG

Duncan Frost wrote 224 days ago

Hey Ellie --

Well, you're numero uno on this website, so it's not like you need any real help or anything with ratings or critique. But I suppose I just wanted to take a peek at your libro and here I am.

The story is much different from anything I've ever really taken a look at before --so major kudos. Your attention to detail (such as weaponry, reference to the indigenous language) is most impressive and really gives the story an authenticity. I like too that you follow the "show don't tell" Cardinal rule in writing. That's not easy to keep up, but you seem pretty good at it. And you can definitely tell that you like to write. Which is probably my biggest concern with the Prologue. It seems dangerously over-written. As I'm sure you know, most people are going to be reading for characters and conflict. They're going to want you to set up the gunfight as soon as possible, give us some bodies, a type of mini-denouement, roll out some of your characters, and then blast them with a major reason to keep reading... All of this has to be done as soon and economically as possible. Basically, us poor scribes have to hit our marks in the story and move on. I'm afraid that today, more than ever, we face a moratorium on the dillydallying! Just because we can describe something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to be described. (I like how I'm talking about economy for such a long time. Polonius in the house, yawls!)

Also --I really like that the opening is set in Iraq. Why not let the reader know as soon as possible? Give us a heading. Or describe some of the signs in the 1st expository paragraph (which is the purpose of that paragraph, to set up the story.) as having "squiggly lines" or even better Arabic characters. Maybe one of the characters reminds Aiden of a snake crossing a road, or the shape of his favorite watercolor painting, whatever. But the Iraq thing is relevent to the story and the contempory Reader. Good job.

So below is just sort of a hack job at tightening up the prose. It's certainly not meant to be taken for anything other than a foil for possible comparison. That said, you're still the big cheese around here and I wish you luck on the Editor's desk. I've got plenty of shelf space so if you need a last minute bump, just let me know, I'd be more than happy to help. (Though I doubt you will need any.)

Best,
DF

------------------------------------------
The square was nothing more than an enclosure of dusty buildings. There were shattered windows and torn chunks of stone in almost every wall now. Above, warm wind whistled through the plaza before sweeping down and then over the bodies left putrefying in the heat. Besides the blood, there seemed to be absence of color. The young man was still waiting.

Aiden tucked himself further into the shadows. His skin was dark and dusty, his hair blending into the wall so well that it was nearly invisible. Twenty civilians dead without so much as a single enemy injury. The contractors had messed up.

He glanced over at the twins, awaiting their signal. Frankie and Colton were about twenty feet away, crouched behind one of the bullet-ridden vehicles.

The sound came first -- the quick click of a weapon being loaded.

The twins motioned with their fingers, indicating the source of the noise. Aiden nodded back, already eyeing the facade of an opposing building. He could see it now. The hole was about the size of a fist. Behind it, the enemy waited.

Positioning himself, Aiden's trousers scraped against the dirt. Soon, the clamor would take hold. He took aim. Killing was the easy part. Everything before and after was hard.

Another click -- his own weapon this time. Then there was only the dull thud of body hitting the ground as the remaining insurgents scattered, running for cover, giving away their positions, but never having a chance.

Aiden traced the sound of their footfalls, firing each time one materialized in front of a shot-out window with the tattered linens fluttering in the air. One by one, six men went down. It took only six hosts: three from Aiden, two from Frankie, and one from Colton. It was over in seconds. Aiden returned to the cover of the building, tucking himself back into the shadows, leaning his back against the rough stone wall.

In the silence, another solider might have assumed it was over. Aiden never made these types of assumptions and he knew it was never over. He swung his rifle, a 7.63-mm SCAR-heavy, over his shoulder and began to climb, listening for noises between each upward movement. He heard the swoosh of fabric and the pacing of bare feet, followed by a muffled, distinctly childish cry. Frankie held up two fingers.

------

{Then I would cut to the team ransacking the apartment. Something like:}

Once inside the apartment, Aiden snatched the dead man's gun. It was an M9, a pistol, almost certainly stolen from the body of an American soldier.

Frankie moved his head in the direction of the young boy moving in the apartment. "Aiden, retrain him while we search the place."


{The rest of this section is really strong as we are introduced to the other characters, and more importantly some conflict in the form of Why they have been recognized. I definitely dig that hook. The dialogue is very good too. Besides registering true, it also helps break up some of the direct description of the plaza and gunfight.}

------

bibbybop wrote 224 days ago

me again- yes I am procrastinating and you are my go- to escape of choice ;)

read through the next two chapters and just thought I would pop in to tell you I have nothing to say :p These are giving me exactly what I wanted from 5 and 6. I'm loving getting to see the world unfold, and phew- glad they're not twins :) Its such an intriguing relationship.

Especially loving the whole canadian/american rivalry. As a scot I completely empathise with being the wee sister overlooked by the big brother convinced they are the centre of the universe!

Tate Reese wrote 224 days ago

I have only read the first chapter and am already curious as to where this will take me. A good fluent read. Well done....

AD Ball wrote 226 days ago

YARG REViEW

I've read to the end of Chapter 4 and the end of that Chapter just wants me to read on and on and on. It's works like this which annoy me and delight me....I end up losing a lot of time but I'm reading a great book.

I thought your prologue worked well and was the most enjoyable of the chapters I read. It's action packed and just grabs the attention straight away, setting up the overall story nicely even if up until Chapter 4 we're catching up to the prologue. I like the dialogue of the characters and the nice interactions you have going on between them. They're set up well.

So yeah, to just conclude, I love this work and it makes me jealous how good it is.

Andrea Beauvais wrote 227 days ago

This is a cool idea - half human but half super-human soldiers. I get the feeling that they have an aura of invincibility. It reminds me of playing a video game where you are suddenly in god-mode for 15 seconds. I think the war in Afghanistan aspect makes the book more realistic... as if this could possibly be the future of warfare. Good work so far. Your short/long pitch really caught my eye.

I am not sure if anyone has commented on this before but in Afghanistan or other countries in that area, most of the citizens are actually members of a specific ethnic tribe and speak their respective local language. For example, most people in Afghanistan speak a variety of Pashtun not Arabic as it is a Persian country. I'm not an expert on that but it might be worthwhile to investigate further to add that extra "reality" factor to your first chapter.

Great stuff so far! Love the idea.

Eftborin wrote 227 days ago

Club Grimoire 2nd round
Hi Ellie,
Even though I thought the prologue was long, it stayed interesting from the outset. However, too much dialogue marred my enjoyment. Some annoying lines sprang out, particularly; "There were twenty dead civilians, Aiden," he hissed - How does one hiss when speaking?
Aldous pressed his lips together, "They've arranged for Iris, etc..."- How did he say that when his lips were pressed together?
Chap1; How do we know that Keira did a quick calculation in her head? I suggest 'she appeared to be making a quick calculation'.
I note that you have split the paras concerning Keira's sudden appearance in the kitchen. Again I suggest you should tell us she actually arrived at the house first.
It appears to be a chic lit so far.
Chap 2; The link with the prologue has emerged when Keira watches TV.
Did Keira catch the keys before slidding into the seat or did she press a button to start the car?
Some scenes seem to jump too quickly to the next without explanation.
I feel some could be deleted altogether as I think they are unnecessary, ie in the school.
Jury is out Ellie. Am trying hard to continue though because I have to evaluate the characters. The lad at the black SUV could be an interesting one to follow.
Pat




A Farris wrote 227 days ago

What a great prologue. Really pulls you in right from the beginning. It's really long enough to be a whole chapter. Your language is wonderful and you can form the heck out of a sentence. I think this goes beyond the YA genre and appeals to a really wide audience. You describe the world with such clarity that I could picture the creek setting to perfection. Great story :)

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 227 days ago

Elspeth,

Paragon is a stunning piece of work. The combination of tense, black-ops scenes with the life of a high-school oddball/outcast is unusual and compelling. The pieces of the story come together like a complex puzzle as bit by bit, secrets are revealed.

The BC setting is fabulous -- rugged and remote and beautiful. (I always have a soft spot for Northwest settings, but yours is especially well done). I love how Keira eats huge amounts without regarding it as odd, and how she just matter of factly climbs and jumps and drops. Because it's her doing it, she doesn't seem to have a sense of how unusual she is. She knows it, but doesn't at the same time. It's just how she is. Her family seems real and completely believable.

In three chapters I didn't find any typos or other nitpicks. The text is clean and addictively readable. I did feel like the Prologue was long and detailed enough to be a chapter in its own right, but that's your call.

Easy to see why this at the top of the charts right now! I'm adding my backing and 6 stars now.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

musemeant wrote 228 days ago

YARG review.

Wow. I can definitely see why this is number one on the reading list (good luck with that, by the way). You plunged me into your story from the very first word, latching on so tight, I couldn't stop reading. Your characters leap from the page; your plot is fascinating (Those violent eyes! I can't wait to find out what they mean!), your prose and dialogue tight and well written. I've heard that it's never a good idea to start with a fight scene (we still don't know the characters), but you did well with this. I got to know your characters as I read through the scene, beoming sympathetic with their plight.

Fabulous work. High stars.

Michele
Starfire

musemeant wrote 228 days ago

YARG review.

Wow. I can definitely see why this is number one on the reading list (good luck with that, by the way). You plunged me into your story from the very first word, latching on so tight, I couldn't stop reading. Your characters leap from the page; your plot is fascinating (Those violent eyes! I can't wait to find out what they mean!), your prose and dialogue tight and well written. I've heard that it's never a good idea to start with a fight scene (we still don't know the characters), but you did well with this. I got to know your characters as I read through the scene, beoming sympathetic with their plight.

Fabulous work. High stars.

Michele
Starfire

Peter J. Ford wrote 228 days ago

Wow this work is really tight and well thought out. I'm really impressed by how well it appeals to different audiences, I showed this to my sister and she wouldn't let me have my laptop back for a day :/ I think you've definitely got something good on your hands here and I really enjoyed reading it. Really strong characterisation of Keira, which pulls the reader through the plot very well.
-Pete

Gordon James Ritchie wrote 229 days ago

Hi Elspeth,

Firstly, off topic and probably unwanted (but I am a philologist and could not help myself), I love your name!

Moving onto the more important matters, I also love your work. On first glance it reminded me of my beloved childhood author, LE Modesitt Jr. Perhaps go give some of his work a read.
I've few suggestions, as it is hardly in need of an outsider's opinion. Here are some though:
1) I thought this line "The killing was the easy part; everything before and after was hard" might work better as "Killing was the easy part; the before and after was hard'.
2) "Ten feet above his head was a balcony, half of its bannister crumbled away" - from the context and text surrounding it, well, it seems like you meant to say "half of its bannister [had] crumbled away". Not sure how you meant it, though.
3) No more suggestions on grammar, but fantastic end to Chapter 1! Gripping.

Other than that, I find myself near to advising something dangerous. More often than not authors overuse adjectives, adverbs and descriptive words - yet your use is well refined, and I might even suggest fluffing up some of the action scenes with some cutting descriptions. However, this was a fleeting observation; I'm not even sure how much I mean to say it.

Great work, Elspeth. I recommend submitting straight to an agent and see where that takes you; the old-fashioned way of publishing is still the smartest right now - and your work is definitely deserving. Try Writer's House, David Higham or The Blair Partnership if you are keen to go down that route - although, pick your representative carefully (let them match your genre and vision).
May come back to consider backing your work soon, I just have to revise my bookshelf and see if all the other 5 books deserve it.

Best of luck,

superostah wrote 230 days ago

Wow, this opening chapter is fantastic. The imagery and the intensity of the scene are both so brilliantly laid out in words that it takes no work to picture everything. I may have stopped breathing a couple times while reading it.
This is some good stuff.
I'm backing you and will be back to read more as time permits.

Cody Media Productions wrote 230 days ago

Pretty sure this book is going to be the next #1. Keira is such a strong character. YA isn't necessarily my thing but this kind of transends that genre. will keep reading and keep it on my shelf!

bibbybop wrote 231 days ago

hello, me again.

Read through chapters 5,6 and 7 again- those were the ones you wanted looked at in particular right? hope so.

I like chapter 7. there is some really good stuff in here. Although watch you keep your buildings straight- you use building 2 twice, contradicting your map! I would restructure the previous chapters like this. Starting as I said before with a brief meet and greet with Aldous,cutting most of the 'what a paragon is' jargon. We have enough to be getting on with, then moving on to dinner with iris and so on. Personally I would also make the divide between the two sections- mercenaries and paragons- more concrete. Perhaps have them eating in seperate shifts, but visible through the window out training. That would also make her ability to hear them even more remarkable. Or if you don't want it to be that remarkable, then you could just clearly divide the cafeteria up, have a path blocked out in painted lines through the middle. I just feel it woudl make it clearer that this is a) a superhuman ability and b) they are secret.
Also the horrible thoughts- might be worth making this a moment- have her focus on one particular soldier, catching him looking at them and hearing his thoughts aloud- perhaps having her break off in revulsion as it gets really crude.
Like the conversation and the relationship hints as they were eating. Its nice to see the friendships coming alive.

All the paragons are blending a bit, with only a few standing out. If you introduce them as you have in this chapter, through direct and individual contact with Keira it is easier to get a sense of them and remember their names and abilities this way.
My favourite bit so far was when they were sorting out her sleeping arrangements and the twins are playing their game. I really liked where one of them gave her a glimpse into the reality of war. More stuff like this, casual, but perhaps with a hint of bitterness, kind of does your job for you in terms of helping us understand Keira's feelings- i think it would sound horrifying to most of us.

i have one concern and its starting to worry me. It may be addressed later on but thought i should mention it. What is the intent with Aiden and Keira's relationship? I've been reading it as a love/hate situation which has a hint of sexual tension and is likely to develop, even if slowly over several books. But the information you have given suggests they are essentially twins. So...which is it?

bibbybop wrote 231 days ago

hi Ellie,

I've read up to chapter 7 so far. I'll read more when I get a chance, but here are a few thoughts.

You open really strongly. You describe action very well, short, tense, matter of fact. It really fits the scene and the characters slightly inhuman nature. I am jealous as this is my biggest weakness! However I do think that you should cut it down, right where the fight ends. I feel too much information is given away. I know we kinda know quite a bit from the pitch but it still leaves us unsure enough to peak curiosity. We don't know what Aiden and the others know exactly, what kind of character, life, relationships they have, leaving all that open to be explored.

the next few chapters are where you introduce us to Keira. i think they probably go on a bit too long. chapters two, three and four could be condensed. I know everyone's favourite saying on here is 'show don't tell' but I think this is where telling is required. I liked the opening with Aiden at the beach and later with him and the twins, sort of taunting her, but the inbetween just dragged a bit. I'd pick one scene to really illustrate the family dynamic, maybe something like getting ready to go to school and work. I always think there is something really revealing about simple stuff like that, it will make the point of how she has grown up just an ordinary girl in a loving family. School needs no details- just tell us. she endures, she has no friends, keeps her head down and everyone leaves her alone. I didn't like the scene with the drug dealer. It felt unnecessary as it stood, which brings me to my next point- character.

Keira as your main character is verging on too perfect. I get that she is a paragon- but that doesn't affect character, only her physicality. I'm just not warming to her that much. It might be nice if we see her weaknesses- like the drug dealer scene- She walks away. She's learnt to mind her own business. Or even a touch of arrogance- she is better than everyone else. Perhaps she could acknowledge that internally- oddly arrogance is a weakness!

In chapters 5 and 6, we get her thrown into an incredible situation, but they feel like an info dump. I want to know what she is feeling. You're using this as an excuse to dump more info on us - she lists facts rather than deal with her emotions. But I don't want the facts. it's enough to know who Bruce Harper is, I don't need all those extra bio details. They can be slipped in later if they are absolutely crucial. If she is numb, thats okay, but I want to feel it. One way of doing this is to phrase things as though we are seeing them through her eyes, 'he must be Dr Clark, she guessed. There was something benign about his bespectacled appearance, reassuring in his familiar white coat' that sort of thing. You're not describing it, she is thinking it, feeling it.

Another way to stop us feeling alientated is to use more ordinary language. You often use words that feel cold and incongruous for both the settings and the character. for example, 'vigour' is what old people feel after long brisk walks, I doubt it is what you meant for a genetically engineered soldier whose potential is reaching its peak.
another is her back 'fetched' up. This suggests a casual nonchalent act, just use slammed. It works.
another 'the exhasution of her anger draining her' again just simplifying it to exhausted by her anger' gives a greater sense of feeling rather than describing.

There are lots. You also overwrite, telling us things that are easily inferred. 'she wiped them away furiously with her clenched fists' take out the 'her', it feels more chatty thus more like her voice, and we know they belong to her.
another, 'he smiled bitterly as he watched her breath stop as he said it' try instead, ' he smiled bitterly as her breath stopped' or as 'she caught her breath he smiled bitterly'

I don't like chapter 6 as it stands. It feels like one of the purest info dumps I have ever read. I want to get to know this world by seeing it unfold. Again I am not getting a sense of character. They all just follow this Aldous as he unloads? Would they really be that interested in her getting the meet and greet? I'd also ask who is Aldous? as in character wise? How does this group function on their own? Is there a hierarchial structure? Do they largely see to themselves and their own shcedules? Or do they always operate as a group? I'm not saying you don't give us this info later on, but here is the perfect place to show us. If I were writing this scene, I would probably have him do a brief, welcome to the madhouse speech, here is where you sleep, here is where you eat, this is your guide, and intersperse it with a few odd and scary lines- such as the info that they have bugged building 3. Drop them in casually- this is their normality. Give her reactions. i wouldn't have the others around. i'd introduce them one by one through the action, the reaction of each to her telling us of their character.

thats an overview of what I have read. I will keep reading and can give you a more detailed breakdown of chapters 5, 6 and 7 if you would find it helpful.

Hope it was helpful. Good luck- I hate editing!! Its where the fun ends and the work begins :)

S Tranger wrote 233 days ago

YARG review for chapter 1:

This is a brilliant beginning. The characterisation was solid and it was easy to get a clear picture of what was happening. You link the chapter with the synopsis straight away but still maintain an air of mystery. The use of arabic terms gives it a sense of realism. Well done. I can't really find anything wrong with this chapter. Moving on.

carol jefferies wrote 235 days ago

This isn't the kind of book I usually go for, but was was very impressed by the sheer quality of the writing.

The book has a very dramatic, action packed opening, and the flow is quick and it is an easy read. The characters are totally believable, and am I sure this is going to be a longstanding and popular book on this site.

Carol

Rick Hume wrote 236 days ago

Great book with wonderful flow to it. Couldn't find anything wrong and no errors. This is a really good read and I plan on finishing it.

LitCrit22222 wrote 238 days ago

I don't have much to say because your story is written so very, very well. I was drawn in from the get go and never stopped. Aiden and Keira are such great characters. I can't wait to see this reach the desk!

LitCrit

Eva H wrote 239 days ago

Wow - this is great. Really great. Not a wasted word, pure economy of effort driving the action forwards. You have a superb skill in portraying characters. I've only read the first chapter (but will absolutely, definitely be back to read the rest - wish I had a laptop but am stuck with reading on my pc), but I already know (or think I do) so much about the characters. A brilliant premise and with writing of this quality we know that you will pull it off. Wishing you much success with Paragon. Can't see how you can fail, really!
Eva

John Lovell wrote 239 days ago

Usually I'd try and leave as much as of a comment as possible, but I saw Kata's post praising Paragon yesterday and thought I'd take more of a look at it.
I've read the prologue and first few chapters and have really enjoyed it so far. I've shelved it (usually I wait until I'm further into the story) but with it being so close to the desk I thought I'd back it now.

Best of luck

John

celticwriter wrote 239 days ago

You paint well with words.
I'm not a critic, just a lover of a good journey.

jim

c.carrig wrote 240 days ago

I feel breathless after reading your first chapter. By far and wide the best thing I've read so far. You're prose it tight and suspenseful and I am genuinely interested in how the story is going to unfold.

I'll read a few more chapters just because I like it as soon as I get time. :)

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 240 days ago

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that Paragon is on my shelf, and my watch list, and i've commented... but I'm here to comment again because I really think it's that good, and I'd love to see this book in the top 5 THIS month... you're so close!

i'm showing my support and i've spread the word as best i can as well
cheers, and good luck!

Jaclyn Aurore
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 240 days ago

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that Paragon is on my shelf, and my watch list, and i've commented... but I'm here to comment again because I really think it's that good, and I'd love to see this book in the top 5 THIS month... you're so close!

i'm showing my support and i've spread the word as best i can as well
cheers, and good luck!

Jaclyn Aurore
It Never Happened
My Life Without Me

JessW10 wrote 240 days ago

Wow! This is such an interesting novel! The blurb immediately caught my attention and I was hooked as soon as I started reading it. It is very easy to follow and I love the characters.
I really hope that you get this published because I want it on my bookshelf!
Love the cover as well.
All the best,
Jess :)
Would You Like Brains With That?

Andrew White wrote 241 days ago

The topic and the cover drew me to this book. I don't like romance, and it seems to me that paragon is about a whole lot more than that just from the first couple of chapters, which is all I have read so far. Good character, very good writing, and an excellent theme. I'm sure this is publishable stuff. Well done.

Andrew

kata wrote 242 days ago

Good luck getting to the desk matey, this book surely has everything a publishers looking for. And a producer... :)

Kata

lostprincess13 wrote 243 days ago

Hello,
Very nice writing. I've read chapters one through four and I love your characters. That's what pulled me in. Keira's outcast status at school, Ethan's hidden feelings for her. The relationship between the two, and the whole he's kind of a ladies man and she's the rough outcast. Brilliant.
I only have two notes. In chapter four there are a few typos.
"but every fibre of her body kept her in place" fibre I'm assuming should be fiber
"the breaks screeched" brakes instead of breaks

Wonderful story. It more than deserves a spot on my shelf. Best of luck to you.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

Jimmy Wearne wrote 244 days ago

Hi Ellie - great start - I will read more when I have the time - just a constructive crit on paragraph two of prologue- the old adage 'show don't tell' - rather than have 'his contempt was just as imperceptible' something like 'the blank look on his face concealed just as much except for the flash in his eyes.' Let the reader do some work especially this early - "what is that flash?" etc (will make more comments later - once I read more)

James Wearne

Jimmy Wearne wrote 244 days ago

Hi Ellie - great start - I will read more when I have the time - just a constructive crit on paragraph two of prologue- the old adage 'show don't tell' - rather than have 'his contempt was just as imperceptible' something like 'the blank look on his face concealed just as much except for the flash in his eyes.' Let the reader do some work especially this early - "what is that flash?" etc (will make more comments later - once I read more)

James Wearne