Book Jacket

 

rank 4523
word count 31878
date submitted 27.03.2012
date updated 06.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Young Ad...
classification: universal
incomplete

ANIRON

Christine Lindsay

Five years have passed.
The Uprising is over.
Humans are safe now in the city.
Right?

 

Braxley begrudgingly prepares to take over The City of Brighton from his father.
Nia has reluctantly accepted her life in The Forbidden Yore Lands.
Unaware of each other and miles apart, their discontented lives are viciously connected.
Tribulations begin that force them together.
Secrets are spilled that tear them apart.
No one expects the terror that follows.
Nothing can stop what they’ve started.

 
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Chapter 18

    Braxley (Yore)

They woke the next morning and found that Sophie was already gone. 

“Where do you think she went?” Braxley asked.

“Probably home, I doubt she even slept here last night, if she did it wasn't for long.”

“Have you ever seen her house?' Braxley asked.

“No, but I don't think it’s too far from here.”

Braxley nodded and pulled his shoes on.  “You ready?”

“Yep.”

Braxley and Levi walked out the door and back into the woods. The sun wasn't quiet up yet and the weather was cool and crisp.

“I love this time of year,” Braxley said, “I am always happier when its colder.”

“We all do.” he said with a smile.

They continued walking back to camp. They talked some but not much. Levi kept his hands in his pockets and head down most of the time. Braxley wondered why, but didn't ask. They continued on in silence till they could almost see the houses.

“They probably aren't awake yet.” Braxley mentioned.

“I am ready to shower and sleep again.”

“Me to,” Levi said touching his hand to his hair. “I feel gross.”

“Ha, you look it too.” Braxley joked hoping to brighten Levi's mood. It seemed to work.

Levi laughed, “It's not like you look any better.” he said

“That is just not even true.” Braxley said smiling as he walked up the steps to his front door. “See you later?” he asked.

“Of course.”  Levi said then disappeared across the yard. 

Braxley smiled to himself and walked into his house. He yawned as he walked into his bedroom, pulling off his shirt and stretching out his sore arms.

“Braxley?” A voice from the dark startled him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he turned to find Caitlynn sitting on his bed.

“I needed to talk to you.” she said

“And this couldn't wait till later in the day? How long have you been sitting there anyway?”

“It is about Levi.”

Hearing Levi's name come from her mouth sent something bitter through Braxley. He suddenly felt the need to defend Levi from Caitlynn.

“What about him, exactly?” his tone, slightly more defensive then he meant to make it sound.

Caitlynn sighed and walked to Braxley, “Have you not noticed?”

“Noticed what?” he pressed.

“He is--” she stopped as if to choose her words very carefully, “Braxley, Levi is gay.”

“What?” It caught Braxley off guard.

Caitlynn just looked at him for a moment, then answered. “He likes boys, Braxley.”

Braxley answered through clenched teeth, “I know what gay means, Caitlynn. I just don't know why you felt the need to tell me.”

She seemed surprised. “I—I just thought, that maybe you wouldn't...” she trailed off.

“Wouldn't what, Caitlynn?” he growled out angrily.

“I don't know,” she said, “I just thought you would want to know.”

“I would only want to know, if he wanted to tell me.” he said bitterly, “Now if you would please get out of my house.” 

“Braxley I-”

“Get out!” he yelled unintentionally loud.

She turned and walked from the room and out of his house.

 

 

Chapters

18

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Seringapatam wrote 154 days ago

A very gripping story. I found myself hooked to it and it was pretty much down to the characters in the book. I loved it. You can certainly tell a tale and knew at least when to throw some more description into the premise. I think this will do you proud in the future ad I can see good things ahead for it. Well done and big score from me.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R). Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

LCF Quartet wrote 155 days ago

Hi Christine,
I read a few more randomly chosen chapters from your book today, and I liked the way you structured the dialogue parts.

6 stars remain,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

LCF Quartet wrote 187 days ago

Hi Christine,
I read the first chapter of your book to have a feel of your book and writing style in general. I liked what I read so far. Your main character Nia sounds well-rounded and the back story you provided was interesting.

The dialogue scenes are tight and believable. I haven't noticed any glaring issues so far and I think you have a great story here which is about to unfold.

Highly starred!

***I hope you have the chance to read a chapter from my book, star-rate it and make a public comment as well.
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

riantorr wrote 188 days ago

I like Chapter 3's opening line the best so far. RT

ELAdams wrote 417 days ago

Here's my part of our read swap:
I was intrigued by the premise, and the story didn't disappoint. I've read the prologue and the opening chapter- I'll read more when I have the time. The writing is fast-paced and gripping. My only issue was some missing puntuation at the end of speech, and a couple of occasions where you repeat yourself. For example in the opening paragraph, you use 'worriedly' and 'fearfully' within a couple of lines- I'd remove 'worriedly' since adverbs work best when used sparingly. These minor issues aside, I think you've created an interesting and original fantasy world, and I can see this appealing to the target audience. I like the original take on vampires, too! Great stuff, and highly starred.
Emma

ItsaSecret wrote 419 days ago

Christine,

Here for our swap! Sorry it has taken me a few days!

I read the prologue and chapter one. I'm hooked! I loved the prologue, it was energetic, had me on the edge of my seat and left my heart pounding. I think there is a little repetition with the wording of how he pressed his fangs into her neck, perhaps find a few synonyms for it? ie: pushed, inserted, his teeth broke through the flesh of her neck, or the sharp edge of his protruding teeth sliced through the delicate skin of her throat... something like that?

Overall though, by the end of the first chapter, you have me wanting to find this in a store like, yesterday, so I can curl up and read the entire thing in one go! I am keeping you on my WL to read more and this is back-able. Will save some room on my shelf for you in the coming month!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

OpheliaWrites wrote 425 days ago

Chapters 4 and 5

There was a significant amount of grammatical errors in these sections. Definitely run another edit/grammar check or read it aloud to locate the mistakes. I'm still very engrossed in the story but had to pause and question a few little things plotwise:
(1) I'm beginning to lose my confidence in the father/warden character. Think he needs to be built up a bit more before making him undergo such a drastic opposition to his son.
(2) The world you built just doesn't jive with Braxley being able to simply stroll over the "line" and suddenly be outside city limits. You established how impenetrable the city is, or was thought to be, and billed it as a safe haven in times of great distress. If there is no physical barrier the story loses a little credibility. The Darian character is so strong (vampire/wizard) and I think you need create something more formidable to keep him out of the city.
(3) Nia appears to know exactly what's going on, ie what's happed to her, in chapter two yet in the fourth chapter she wakes bewildered. Clarify why this is so.
(4) The Caitlyn chick came out of nowhere and that bothered me. Maybe do more of a set-up for the whole arranged marriage thing first. Perhaps have him thinking of her during her long absence before you have him shoot out of a building to speak with her.
(5) My personal opinion, I think it would take more to force Braxley into Yore than a girlfriend breaking up. Also, you've established the repercussions of her not following through as a mate but there does not seem enough concern on Braxley's part for her well-being.
(6) Lastly, is Nia dead? Was she bitten/transformed by Darian? Or does he keep her human for feeding purposes? It's okay to leave this question hanging, create suspense, except that the info you've given seems conflicting.

SW

OpheliaWrites wrote 425 days ago

(FYI, text size feature seems operational again in Chapter One.)

Chapter One:

Great tension in this chapter and excellent world-building. Re-check your punctuation throughout. There are several end quotation marks missing an a few commas out of place. Can't wait to turn to chapter two and have multiple theories racing around in my head.

Looking ahead: You have sort of established a pattern that one chapter will be from Nia's POV and the next from Braxley's. If you break that at any point, you may confuse your readers.

Starred & watchlisted!

OpheliaWrites wrote 425 days ago

Prologue:

Random thoughts... what is the significance of the "O" in between paragraphs? Typically, *** is used to delineate a scene shift/break. I'm going blind reading this. Is there anyway to upload a larger font for authonomy purposes? The text feature seems to be maxed out on your book for some reason. I vaguely remember reading this opening chapter before and not liking it. Have you revised recently? It's way better, though there are a few extra words stuck in places, maybe left-over edits. As a general rule, I'm over vampires. But the excellence of the writing warrants reading another chapter.

Adeel wrote 426 days ago

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Philthy wrote 427 days ago

Hi Christine,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth and disregard what you disagree with.
Prologue
Great opening-line hook!
“extended her mind into her home” needs some elaboration. If this is a power she has, it’s brilliantly written. However, you need to better establish what the power is so that this line works. Otherwise, you risk the reader misinterpreting what you mean.
“they were okay” I would say who “they” are. Otherwise, the reader has no context. For instance, “searching for any sign that her parents were okay” will involve the readers much more, making them feel more empathy toward the scene. For all they know, “they” could be her collection of rocks.
“hit her like a wall” Just a small thing, but you might consider changing this a little. A wall is stationary. Therefore, it’s something you run into. It doesn’t run into you. A stronger image might something like, “hit her like a bat,” OR you could say “As her mind searched the interior of the structure for mental activity, it came to an abrupt halt when reaching the hallway outside her brother’s bedroom.” Just a suggestion. Admittedly, I might be nitpicking here.
You’ve got a random “O” hanging out there. Those must be section breaks? I’m not sure it’s well placed here. It seems like you could easily transition to this scene through the prose.
This is a gut-wrenching start. I love how you’ve presented this. Strong dialogue, too.
This is a strong start and very fast-paced, which suits me well. I love some of the clever concepts you’ve introduced and your dialogue is strong. My biggest suggestion would be to continue polishing the punctuation a bit and sentence structure. Nothing major, mind you. Also, you could amp up the imagery if you wanted, especially as it connects to dialogue. Remember, there is more to communication between characters than simply the words that are said. Expressions, gestures and reactions are also important.
A great read and highly recommended. Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Melissa Writes wrote 432 days ago

Christine,
I like your pitch - it reads invitingly.
I read the first two chapters - they're very well written and absorbing, even though this isn't a book I would normally go for. Your descriptions are interesting and Nia is an engaging character, so I hope you do well.
One small point - the font is maybe a bit too small. It would be easier to read with slightly larger print.
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

earthlover wrote 437 days ago

Read the first two chapters. Chapter one had me cringing in my seat, imagining the teeth going into that vein, the life draining out of Nia. Chapter 2, with it's perfectly-boring-white-and-beige-world is a great illustration of what happens when you try to remove evil from society. In order to keep "order" so much has to be regulated that it becomes sterile and boring.
Great elements for a story!
Good luck with this
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Julio Guzman wrote 447 days ago

Hi Christine,

I've read your prologue and the beginning of chapter one and even though I'm not really crazy about vampires anymore, I've really enjoyed it so far. Your tone and your descriptions are spot on. I cringed at the cracking of Nia's brother's bones when he was slammed into the wall. The thing I really like about the prologue though was how you started out without telling the reader who or what the man staring down at the family was. The mystery definitely made me want to keep reading.

I'm obviously not a perfect writer so I would take my "constructive" criticism very lightly. I saw that the word "she" was capitalized in places it shouldn't have. There's also place where you you mention the character's name with the word "she" attached to it. Also, a lot of sentences within the prologue start with the word "she", so you might want to vary those a little.

The first chapter, so far, is really good. It flows a lot better. Your dialogue is very believable and entertaining. Braxley is an interesting character and I love his name! I'm not sure if he isn't a morning person or he's just moody all the time but I find him very relateble.

I liked this a lot! Highly starred and the best of luck!
I'll definitely read more later on :)

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