In the Dead of Night

Matt, you asked me to take a look at your book, and I've read through all you have posted. This is interesting so far. The idea of having a vampire as the school's headmaster is different, though admittedly a little hard for me to believe. Obviously in the world you've created, vampires are common. I was a little confused as to the nightlight festival and the vampires who made ritual sacrifices to certain gods in the hope of gaining the secrets of eternal youth. In my experience, vampires are already immortal and un-aging, so I'm at a loss as to why the ritual sacrifices were made. I feel like this world needs fleshed out a bit more, so that the reader can understand the role of vampires in this society, as well as what characteristics your vampires have. If they are acceptable headmasters for primary school, then there must be some level of acceptance, minimal fear, etc. Also, what other types of mythical creatures inhabit your world? Are there also werewolves, witches, trolls, warlocks, etc?

Try to show, rather than tell. An example of this is your first line/paragraph. You start by telling that Greg Gormley felt nervous, then go into showing how his nervousness manifested in sweaty palms and jittery fingers, etc. Drop the telling, and just show it. There are other places as well, as in where you introduce the caretaker of the school.

Try to avoid 'to be' verbs like 'was riding', etc. These are passive and weaken the sentence.

I try to stick to substance rather than grammar issues, as those are the last things you should fix, but I have to point out that it was very distracting for all of the dialogue to be italicized. Usually italics are reserved for a character's internal thoughts. Also the portion where you move away from Greg's POV to show the girl's kidnapping was all italicized, which was unecessary.

Over all, this was interesting, but I think it needs fleshing out as far as the world you've created for your characters in order for the reader to be truly engaged.

I hope these comments are helpful.
Kate

I enjoyed this quirky story. The idea of a vampire as a headmaster at a school that runs at night is original with a nice humorous touch. I thought the characterisation was done well. Your writing is clean and reads smoothly. I think your dialogue is also excellent.
One typo I picked up on: 'flue' should be 'flew'.
Nice bit of light reading, and very well written.
Highly starred reflecting the fact I think it has great potential.

All the best
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Well, you were smart enough to write about a subject that is selling now. Vampires are in and you handled it well. I like the prose style and dialogue. Thumbs up. This will get discovered .

Hi Matty
I enjoyed reading this - I think you have a nice hook with the vampire headmaster and this could go down well. It flows well and I am already on board with your young protagonist Greg. I always make a few suggestions cos thats why we're all here. So here goes: I would ditch the first line "Greg Gormley felt nervous;" It is too much telling and not showing - I would just start with "Greg Gormley fidgeted at the kitchen table..." that line does the same job anyway.
sugar fuelled should be "sugar-fuelled"
"...then lets not forget the whining either its just..." Needs apostrophes for the contractures "let's" and "it's".
Small points I know but every little helps I always think. I've starred and added to my watchlist for more and will comment further as I go. Good work Matty - glad to be your first comment.
Derek
The Angel Chord