Santa's Brother

Aw, Cody...I really enjoyed this one! I can see it as a Hallmark movie at the holidays...it would be perfect. I love your imaginative spin on Santa...the way you've trickled down the 'trade' of making toys through the generations. Really, Cody...it's perfect for children of allllllllllll ages. High stars and a smile...
Linda
Daniel Simmons Journey
and
Children Walking with Jesus

I did have a look at this when I was first registered. It had a lot of editing to do, so I left it until I got in touch you you again.
It's a great story and the fact that Grandpa Walter is reading it to grandson Walter and it's about an ancestor called Walter makes it immediately believable to a child. I can imagine that a father or grandfather could read this story to a child and change the names so that it suited them. It's how I read a lot of stories to my children. They loved stories that had a child with their own name in them. Even though they didn't actually and I'd changed it.
It is all so Christmasy and magical. How the shop has changed so much in a week, the delicious chocolates that magically multiplied in Walters bag, the friendly deer and the baby and my favourite part of all, 'When she waved back, a large cloud of powdered sugar wafted into the air'. That was brilliant and truly magical. It is like the sparkling of the story.
It just keeps getting more magical as young Walter discovers that adults can't see the magic that he can. Something children will also adore.
I found the story has come on so much since the first time I looked at it. I didn't notice any edits and it flowed really well. I wasn't distracted by anything in the story.
Well done Cody you're really getting the magic that will make this story do well.
Best wishes.
Jesamine.

Hi Cody,

This is a highly imaginative fantasy book, I loved it! The narration is easy to follow and the descriptions given were beautiful and spot on. You've written this with class and great passion. I'm sure the kids and their moms who read this will love it. There's no doubt. It's the kind of Santa story we've never read before! Congratulations!

I give you 5 stars!

If you have some free time, I invite you to read and rate my book, I hope you enjoy it too.

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

Cody,

Thank you so much for inviting me to read this! I thoroughly enjoyed my read through of your very inventive story. Santa growing up in Texas? That in itself speaks volumes to your creativity. I think this is a very well written children's story that will do well. It's nostalgic, funny and appealing to your demographic. Six stars, good luck with this! I'm sure it will go far

Ryan

Hi Cody, While taking the young reader into a historical speculative zone, you have consistently written this for the young reader. It really feels like "children's literature" in that the descriptions are intriguing and all in the perspective of the child characters. That becomes big in the toy store workshop. I really liked how the story went from the General Store in Texas to the toy workshop. I think the young reader would see that the Santa legend could lend itself to any region but this in Texas can be phenomenal.
A few things: Not too many words like "infectious" to challenge the child reader. "Absolutely amazing" was a phrase that seemed too modern. I wonder if you need the apostrophes enclosing paragraphs because they are from a written story - perhaps, leading into the story, you could set it off so that you wouldn't need them.
It's very catching to read on and find out exactly what this Santa story means. The historical motif blends well, the children are children, and the prose stays with them. Well-done! And shelved - Katherine

Cody, I enjoyed this although not something I would normally read. I can see you have put a lot of effort into the book before you had started to writing it which has helped the finished product. I can see there have been some editing issues below, but with that aside, I find this to be a cool story with a nice flow to it. Nice descriptions and a good pace through out. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

This is delightful - well written and dusted in magic, like the sugar coating on Noel. The beginning, with all the warmth and love so encircling the old man and the boy, is particularly appealing. The style is charming, restrained and subtle. I have given it high stars and put it on my watchlist for promotion later to my bookshelf.
I hope you will find time to look at mine.

CJ Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

CHIRG

Cody,
a lovely sweet story one that children of all ages will love to read over and over again.
wishing it does well
:)
diane

Aw, Cody...I really enjoyed this one! I can see it as a Hallmark movie at the holidays...it would be perfect. I love your imaginative spin on Santa...the way you've trickled down the 'trade' of making toys through the generations. Really, Cody...it's perfect for children of allllllllllll ages. High stars and a smile...
Linda
Daniel Simmons Journey
and
Children Walking with Jesus

Hi Cody
I've read the first chapter and I'm enjoying the seasonal tale. I think I've chosen the right time to read it. I can imagine easily the setting, like a Werther's Original advert. I like how you bring the senses into your story such as the apple and cinnamon pie and the warmth of the fire. I'm so glad Santa really does exist, even though he is from Texas and not the North Pole. I will continue to read this month

I did have a look at this when I was first registered. It had a lot of editing to do, so I left it until I got in touch you you again.
It's a great story and the fact that Grandpa Walter is reading it to grandson Walter and it's about an ancestor called Walter makes it immediately believable to a child. I can imagine that a father or grandfather could read this story to a child and change the names so that it suited them. It's how I read a lot of stories to my children. They loved stories that had a child with their own name in them. Even though they didn't actually and I'd changed it.
It is all so Christmasy and magical. How the shop has changed so much in a week, the delicious chocolates that magically multiplied in Walters bag, the friendly deer and the baby and my favourite part of all, 'When she waved back, a large cloud of powdered sugar wafted into the air'. That was brilliant and truly magical. It is like the sparkling of the story.
It just keeps getting more magical as young Walter discovers that adults can't see the magic that he can. Something children will also adore.
I found the story has come on so much since the first time I looked at it. I didn't notice any edits and it flowed really well. I wasn't distracted by anything in the story.
Well done Cody you're really getting the magic that will make this story do well.
Best wishes.
Jesamine.

Hi Cody,

This is a highly imaginative fantasy book, I loved it! The narration is easy to follow and the descriptions given were beautiful and spot on. You've written this with class and great passion. I'm sure the kids and their moms who read this will love it. There's no doubt. It's the kind of Santa story we've never read before! Congratulations!

I give you 5 stars!

If you have some free time, I invite you to read and rate my book, I hope you enjoy it too.

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

Hi Cody, I took a look at chapter 4. I like the sp but the LP got very confusing, it started to look like a soap opera pitch and I had to read it through a few times. I enjoyed rreading the story, the characters seemed to be bonding in this chapeter and it was interesting to see how you did it. It was easy to read and teh characters were believable, I like the sprinkling of magic (if only all chocolate was like that) I feel this is going to be very popular.
Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

SANTA’S BROTHER
This is a charming children’s story. And answers once and for all, there must be a Santa Claus because he is not only real but has family connections. I think you’ll find a wide audience for this among parents who like to read stories to their children and schoolagers who will enjoy reading this by themselves. Your vocabulary feels appropriate for your young audience. The mystery of how to prove Santa exists will hold their interest. An overall good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Mark/Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Cody,

Thank you so much for inviting me to read this! I thoroughly enjoyed my read through of your very inventive story. Santa growing up in Texas? That in itself speaks volumes to your creativity. I think this is a very well written children's story that will do well. It's nostalgic, funny and appealing to your demographic. Six stars, good luck with this! I'm sure it will go far

Ryan

Have now added to my WL, will back as soon as space. Sue 'It's a Dog's Life'

loved it, rated and will add to wl as soon as space. Sue 'It's a Dog's Life'

Hi Cody, While taking the young reader into a historical speculative zone, you have consistently written this for the young reader. It really feels like "children's literature" in that the descriptions are intriguing and all in the perspective of the child characters. That becomes big in the toy store workshop. I really liked how the story went from the General Store in Texas to the toy workshop. I think the young reader would see that the Santa legend could lend itself to any region but this in Texas can be phenomenal.
A few things: Not too many words like "infectious" to challenge the child reader. "Absolutely amazing" was a phrase that seemed too modern. I wonder if you need the apostrophes enclosing paragraphs because they are from a written story - perhaps, leading into the story, you could set it off so that you wouldn't need them.
It's very catching to read on and find out exactly what this Santa story means. The historical motif blends well, the children are children, and the prose stays with them. Well-done! And shelved - Katherine

well set up tale. great idea, narrative is well pace with very good voice.
backed...
read SEASONS...

This is a sweet tale, and well written, on a topic that's sure to resonate with young readers.
Critique-wise, if I was to tinker with this, I'd want it to move into the action faster. You plant a few morsels in the first couple chapters: the origin of Santa, the visiting twins, and finally the toy and chocolate store, but they are surrounded by a lot of description. Perhaps more quirkiness or conflict between the boy and the narrator would jazz it up a little. The Princess Bride did a great job with a similar set up, with Grandpa reading to a boy, and that might be worth glancing at. But overall I do think this is very nicely done and there's no end to interest in new Xmas tales. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I'm a big fan of writing and reading children's stories and I love the magic and charm of this one!

Dear Cody,

What a charming, imaginative story! I fell in love with the title and just had to take a quick peek. This is very well-written and so much fun. Santa grew up in Texas, huh?! :) Really great stuff...kids will love this! Reading on with pleasure!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

This is a CHIRG review

Santa’s Brother

The short pitch is nicely worded, although it doesn’t really say much about what to expect from the book. Perhaps this is deliberate. As it is, it could be about any number of different types of stories.

The long pitch is also well-written and stops short of describing everything that happens in the book. The word “boy” appears too many times, I think. “Walter is a typical 8 year-old” in particular doesn’t need “boy” after it. What else is an eight year old called Walter likely to be?

I’ve read only your first two chapters, but this is shaping up to be a wonderful feel-good Christmas tale. There’s so much to enjoy here, and it’d make a lovely Christmas present for a child. I’ve added some close crit, in case that’s what you’re looking for. If you don’t agree with it, please just ignore.

Ch 1

The idea of the inside outshining the outside in December is lovely. It makes me want it to be Christmas! A perfect opening for this sort of story.

I really like that Grandpa calls Walt “sweet pea.” What a endearing touch and a good way of showing us their relationship.

“..his parent’s” Should be his parents’.

I don’t think cocoa needs a capital C. Later you have it without, so they might as well match.

“he grew up in Texas” made me laugh out loud.

The last sentence has the speech marks slightly out of place.

Ch 2

The Trading Post doesn’t have capital letters and then it does. Maybe there’s a reason but I wasn’t sure.

It’s always clear whether we’re with Walt and his grandfather or in the story they are reading. That’s admirable and must have been hard to achieve. I never feel uncertain.

Library has a capital letter and then doesn’t. I think the only thing that matters is to be consistent.

Noelle is usually spelt like this for girls.

The Frost family are lovely. The detail of the cinnamon scent is nice.

Nicholas having a rounder face is perfect! Of course that would be the difference between them.

This is great, and I’ll star it highly. I might well return for further reading in the future.

Lucy

CHIRG

Hi Cody,

I’ve read the first two chapters of Santa’s Brother. What a unique concept. I’m delighted to know that Father Christmas had a family! Below are some notes I made as I read. It’s all just my opinion, so take what works for you and toss the rest.

Ch 1

1) ‘this year, is the year, the little boy’
remove commas

2) ‘it is time you hear the truth’
‘hear’ should be ‘heard’

3) ‘across his sweet, round face’
You’ve used ‘face’ twice in this sentence. Maybe make this ‘across his sweet, round cheeks’?

4) ‘How do you know that?” he asked’
The last ‘he’ mentioned was Grandpa Walt, so this ‘he’ suggests it is Grandpa Walt talking. Maybe say, ‘Walter asked’ instead.

5) ‘Finally, after weeks of struggling…’
This isn’t a sentence. It needs to be part of the sentence before.

6) ‘kids at school, his friends, were now telling him’
‘his friends’ is essentially implied by saying the kids at school were telling him things, and as it interrupts the sentence flow, I’d be inclined to remove it.

7) ‘Because my grandfather told me so… and his grandfather told him before that, all the way back…’
If Walter’s great-great-grandfather knew Santa Claus well, then this is Grandpa Walt’s grandfather, so this paragraph makes no sense. If the grandfather who grew up with Santa Claus is a whole chunk of ancestors ago, then maybe call him Walter’s many-greats-grandfather, or something like that. Great-great grandfather just isn’t far enough in the past as it is usually within living memory (as it is a grandparent’s grandparent).

8) ‘all the way back to when this was first written, written by a boy, who was our ancestor and the one who wrote this diary many years ago’
This is a bit of a muddly, repetitive sentence. If the diary was written by a boy who was their ancestor, then obviously he was the one who wrote it.
Maybe say something like, ‘all the way back to the boy – our ancestor – who wrote this diary many years ago.’
Or, ‘all the way back to when this diary was first written, many years ago. It was written by a boy, Walter. A boy about your age.* And he was our ancestor.’
* (I’ve no idea if he is the same age or not, but it seemed as though something like it ought to go here).

What a great first chapter. There’s such a beautiful sense of Christmas to this – the decorations, the cosy fire and cocoa, the strong sense of family.

Ch 2

1) ‘will not believe me or think I’m nuts’
should be ‘will not believe me or will think I’m nuts’. Otherwise it sounds as though he’s worried people won’t think him nuts.

2) ‘or around the village’
comma after ‘around’

3) ‘buildings of which, the largest and busiest is’
should be ‘buildings, of which the largest and busiest is’

4) ‘he said, a little giggle-like noise escaped his lips before he’
should be either, ‘he said. A little giggle-like noise escaped his lips before he’
or, ‘he said, a little giggle-like noise escaping his lips before he’

5) ‘Walter asked fascinated’
comma after ‘asked’

6) ‘on the spot his grandpa lived’
should be ‘on the spot where his grandpa lived’
or, ‘on the spot his grandpa lived on’

7) ‘However like my mother’
comma after ‘However’

8) ‘there is a small abandoned building’
As he is writing this after the event, and this is the building where Chris and his family live, should this be ‘there was a small, abandoned building’ or have they moved out again at the time he writes his diary?

9) ‘chocolate, “delicious,” he said’
should be ‘chocolate. “Delicious,” he said’

10) ‘anything, he wiggled impatiently in his seat, “Come on’
full-stop after ‘anything’ and ‘seat’
‘ “Come on…’ should be a new paragraph as it’s a different person speaking.

11) ‘with a bright smile’
full-stop after ‘smile’

12) ‘He asked with’
should be ‘he asked with’

13) ‘so let’s continue.’
Comma after ‘continue’

14) ‘as he continued the story’
you’ve used ‘continue’ earlier this paragraph. Maybe say, ‘resumed’ or ‘went on with’ instead?

15) ‘Like the bank, this is a building I had never been in’
What is a building he had never been in? This makes it sound like a building we should know, but you haven’t mentioned Chris’ house anywhere before this. Ooops. Okay, I checked back and you have mentioned it, but, as you then skipped to a discussion of Chris and his siblings, I’d forgotten. I suspect most people would. So, maybe say, ‘Like the bank, this deserted building that Chris’ family was moving into was a building I had never been in’ or something.

16) ‘investigate, who knew’
full-stop after ‘investigate’

17) ‘the house, they were’
full-stop after ‘house’

18) ‘Chris say, I turned’
full-stop after ‘say’

19) ‘back of the room “is’
should be ‘back of the room. “Is’

20) ‘replace it’
comma after ‘it’

21) for the broken bowl’
comma after ‘bowl’

22) ‘replacement for strange bowl’
should this be ‘replacement for a strange bowl’?
or ‘replacement for the strange bowl’?

23) ‘I want too’
should be ‘I want to’

24) ‘my name Walter’
should be ‘my name is Walter’

25) ‘as well” he gave’
should be ‘as well.” He gave’

26) ‘Chris’s mother’
comma after ‘mother’

27) ‘gave me a hug’
full-stop after ‘hug’

28) ‘she said, “I’m very’
full-stop after ‘said’

29) ‘view of main road’
should be ‘view of the main road’

30) ‘a wide smiled’
‘smiled’ should be ‘smile’

31) ‘of his bed’
comma after ‘bed’

32) ‘beat me it’
should be ‘beat me to it’

33) ‘I watch as he’
should be ‘I watched as he’

34) ‘closely they looked identical however, the more’
should be ‘closely. They looked identical. However, the more’

35) ‘softer and rounder’
this is the third time you’ve used ‘rounder’ in three sentences. Maybe say ‘softer and plumper’ or ‘less well-defined’ or ‘fuller’

36) ‘both of their eyes were the same shade’
this makes it sound like two eyes. Maybe say, ‘both had eyes the same shade’

37) ‘saw in his brothers’
should be ‘saw in his brother’s’

38) ‘brow. My mother’
should be ‘brow, my mother’

39) ‘morning, mom’
‘mom’ should be ‘Mom’ as it’s her name.

This is a great story so far. I love the description of Chris’ family. You depict them just the way you would expect a child to visualise them. Possibly the one thing you might want to pare back is the level of description, as sometimes you have so much that it slows the story down. Also, unless the bank comes into the story in a major way later, I’d be inclined to stop referring to it and not even mention that he’s never been in there. Each sentence where it’s referred to works fine without it and it is beginning to sound as though he has a real hang-up with the fact that he’s never been into the bank. Most kids think of banks as boring places adults have to go and otherwise don’t think of them at all. (This is just my opinion, of course).

You may want to proof-read the rest of your chapters, too, as there seem to be a few full-stops, commas and articles missing and the punctuation around dialogue is sometimes incorrect. These could easily be fixed with a quick edit.

On the whole, I thought this was a great story, with excellent dialogue and characterisation and a good sense of place. And it is beautifully evocative of Christmas. Well done.

Sue

CHIRG Review:

Santa's Brother.
Chapter 1 - Good atmospheric opening paragraphs. You've used Walter's name an awful lot, which I found rather irritating as I knew grandfather and grandson were the only characters in this section of the book, I aso thought it slowed the flow down. Nice description of grandpa from Walter's perspective.
'struggling with his conflicting emotions...' You don't need 'his', the reader knows it's Walter who doesn't know what to believe.
Liked Walter pretending he hadn't, or didn't notice, he'd spilled some cocoa. Typical child-like reaction.
Very nice first chapter, but I'm not sure if children will appreciate Santa originally coming from Texas instead of the North Pole as is more commonly alleged. Also, I noticed you've used the term 'confflicting emotions' twice.

Chapter 2 - Liked the way grandpa explains how people used to live compared to how we live today, nice little history lesson neatly slipped in, which may encourage children to find out more about it. Nice introduction of Chris Frost and Walter's excitement on meeting him.
'Yes, we moved in yesterday. 'I'm taking a break...' Typo, speech marks not needed in from of I'm.
'I though they wouldn't mind...' 't' missing from thought.

Chapter 3 - I really like the way Walter-who-once-was, the writer of the diary being read, had to help with household chores. Shame more children don't do this nowadays.
'Toy Store and Chocolates on the Park' the signage sounded a little modern for 1891.
Mr. & Mrs. Frost' magical shop has a sort of Willy Wonka feel to it, in my opinion and on reading the end of the chapter, giggling explained away as 'mice' and the two-foot entrance made it seem even more like it.

Overall - Grandpa comes across really well, in fact he sounds just as I would expect Santa to. Walter-in-the persent is sweet, all the more so as he hasn't acquired cynical edges children all to often seem to have. Walter-in-the-long-ago-past is a sweety too, he has a kind of accepting innocence, as most children would have had in the late nineteenth century and is well portrayed. The other characters have a stereo-typical feel to them, all hearty goodness and joviality, which didn't set so well with me. Having only read to the third chapter perhaps Chris Frost is going to turn out not to be in same mould, I hope not as children do love a bit of a baddie.
Starred.

Nanty - Chrys!

CHIRG Review and Reading Swap
I have read three chapters of this traditional, heart-warming children's story.
I like your descriptions of the sights and sounds of Christmas and how it contrasts to the coldness of outside. I also like the idea of a grandfather sitting down with his grandson to tell him a story. I'm not terribly sure about having Santa living in the village and so on, as I think there would be quite a few children who wouldn't agree with that idea. Nonetheless, it is an engaging tale. A few nitpicks, although I have to confess I'm not a good editor!
Ch 1
"Yes, yes, yes" Walter shouted" - speech marks missing after yes. Delete speech marks after shouted.
Ch 3
Oppinon - should be opinion.
I could imagine this story with some lovely, colourful Christmas illustrations being read at bedtime or aloud by the fire on Christmas Eve.
All the best with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

A delightful, evocative story that captures Christmas as it should be for children( and as it still is in our house). I love it and would happily read it to all the children I know. As I work in a school that is meant as a huge compliment. Well done, highly starred and backed, good luck

Such a lovely children's story, all warm and nostalgic like Christmas never was!

I'll be brief as I'm writing this on my phone.
I found your long pitch a bit confusing with boy being mentioned so much.
The introduction to your story was lovely with great descriptions. You really got me interested in the boy and the old man. I love the style of narrative you have used - just right for the genre and target audience.
What I've read so far has been very enjoyable. It needs a bit of editing for punctuation and a couple of mistakes but nothing too excessive.
Great stuff!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Kids have all the fun.

Chirg Review

This is a very endearing story told with a lot of warmth and some nice period detail. You take a well known character and attempt to give him a whole new life which is a very nice concept. I think maybe claiming that Santa was from Texas could annoy some people who like the traditional Scandinavian associations but that doesn't take anything away from your story. I've only read the first two chapters so I don't know how Chris becomes Santa and as it's set in the twentieth century assume he is taking the baton from someone else.

Your characters are great and I particularly liked the scenes of home life in the second chapter. My biggest problem with it was the journal. It's supposed to be an eight year old boy from a small town in 1914 and yet he writes like an adult, describing everything with immense care and often uses language which I felt was rather too advanced for the target audience (which I felt couldn't be any older than about 11 at most.) See my specific examples in the close comments below. I teach 8-9 year-olds and would not expect anything like this quality of writing from even my best students let alone had they been born one hundred years before with vastly reduced standards of education.

I also thought I remember seeing that the word count was 75000 words? Was I mistaken? 25000 is a much more suitable length for a book aimed at this age range. (maybe I was completely wrong about this anyway)

Here are my close comments:

that the beauty WITHIN outshines the beauty outside.

by thousands of boys and girls around the world AT this time of year.

“Walter, you are almost nine years old, it is time you hear the truth. Yes, Santa Claus is real”
-I'd put a pause between truth and yes. Something like, "the grandfather's face was serious."

“But ONE of the boys at school told me Santa
-name's not necessary

his grandfather’s face. Walter noticed the deep creases etched across HIS sweet, plump and more often than not, smiling face.

He was spending two weeks with his great grandfather,
-I'm never clear if there is both a grandfather and great grandfather and the story and which one is telling him the story

“Well, Sweet Pea, I know there is a Santa Claus.”
-period

I know?” Grandpa Walt asked, seeing the gleam
-comma

He plopped a few small marshmallowS

he read me THE story I’m about to read to you

the first born son, the oldest had been named Walter.”
-surely the boy would be aware that his g-father, g-g-father (maybe even his father??) had the same name as him.

“they rode around on horseback right here on this very spot.”
-THEY doesn't need a capital as it is the continuation of the quoted sentence

Grandpa GLANCED at Walter and said,

of the vacant walls at the back of THE Trading Post.

“Well, if you HAD waited a moment

means the other kids that LIVE near

it seemed like a hopeless undertaking
-doesn't sound much like the kind of thing an eight year old would write.

It took several MOMENTS for my eyes to adjust to the lighting,
-minutes is too long

and several INCHES taller

Chris’s mother said, in a soft, comforting voice.
-second comma

After several moments of silence I realized THAT whoever HAD said

They must have been USED to being stared at because

Most of this stuff is very small but I do really think you have to simplify some of the language in the journal.

It's a lovely little story nonetheless. Highly starred.

Best of luck,

Benedict

A good book for key stage two - reading level.
child orientation story, of course it is, because it is a child fiction. Enthilling enough for growing stage kids. moderate language usage. weldone, suitable for aimed readers.

A good book for key stage two - reading level.
child orientation story, of course it is, because it is a child fiction. Enthilling enough for growing stage kids. moderate language usage. weldone, suitable for aimed readers.

Hi Cody, I’m here to return your read!

First, let me begin by saying wow! This is so original and fun, I honestly wish it was Christmas right now! You have managed to capture the excitement and joy of make-believe and wonder, mystery and intrigue with child-like enthusiasm that I find infectious! This is the kind of story I'd love to read to my son! (In fact, I actually began reading it out loud to him but he was more interested in reading the smaller words that he knew... heh)

I only had a read through the first two chapters and here are my findings. I hope you don’t take them the wrong way, just helping you to make this the best that it can be!

Ch 1

‘twinkling with breathtaking light’ should be ‘lights’

‘The cold silence outside is broken only by the muffled sound of voices beautifully merged together in a chorus of song within.’ <--put a comma after voices

“But Jimmy…….story,” Walter said… <-- if you’re going to italicize the speaking, make sure to make the after speech text regular. And make it consistent or just leave the italics out, saved for emphasis on speech or text?


Ch2-

Be careful to start a new paragraph when Grandpa Walter finishes speaking and when young Walter begins thinking.

“Is your family moving in,” I asked… <-- should be a question mark at the end of “moving in?” and then start a new paragraph with the word ‘Although’.

The paragraph beginning with ‘I had never been inside the building…’ I’d cut that in half, when you start ‘The room was larger than…’, make that a new parag.

“I’m so sorry; it was my fault I said. I knocked over… <-- should be “I’m so sorry; it was my fault,” I said. “I knocked over… gladly replace it,”

“It was just an old bowl… can see, she motioned… <-- check this over for punctuation, I couldn’t tell when Mrs. Frost finished speaking!

And a few missing commas, after speech has ended but action continues. For example, “Cody, I honestly love this story” I told him <-- there should be a comma after story and before the quotation marks.

And finally, Cara Gold gave me some great advice: count the number of ‘was’ in your manuscript. The word ‘was’ is a turn off for publishers and agents. For example, in my MS of 111,500 words, I have only 1500 ‘was’ words in there, so just about 1%

Highly starred and I cannot wait to see what happens next!

Ashley – The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Reminds me of the film 'Miracle on 34th Street' (I think it's the 34th street anyway). I only read the first chapter, but had these points to make:

Nice little tale ... and good descriptive writing, which I can tell you have a particular liking for. Is it possible not to describe the contrasts? You mention the different seasons, but would be nice to keep with winter ... you mention the outside of the house, then contrast that immediately with the inside. While it is lovely to be able to do this - I would have preferred you describing the setting of the season - as it is (not with a lingering memory of the summer) and after this, it's bitterly cold, dead and black/white - then go onto describe the inside of the house - which is warm and welcoming and filled with colour. That would maybe allow me to 'get lost' in the story and let it unfold on its own. As it is, I have to think as the 'direction' keeps interfering.

First para: which in a different season would be ...
Second para: the trees waiting for the summer ...
Third para: description of grandpa's face - just need to say it was etched with some kind of sadness (your words are good) but leave out the 'more often than not, smiling' ...
Fourth para: you mention he had arrived from California and had not seen his grandpa since he was six ... you only need say 'Walter was spending two weeks with his grandpa ...'
Fifth para: (first sentence) you mention the pelting rain contrasting with the warm fire ... again, a contrast that's not needed. And this is a sentence that stands on it's own, but doesn't lead the reader anywhere. You've already described the outside and the inside, and therefore set up the scene, simply start this para with the twinkling lights ... it'll read nicely from there.

There's really no need for that. It just interrupts the flow of what is a delightful little tale.

And, sorry, but one more thing. A lot of the sentences begin with 'He'. Once I noticed this, it kept hitting me in the fact. Try to coax out a little of that creativity. I know you can do it!

Besides these points, I really do like your idea and your writing, it has a 'cosy' feel about it and makes me feel warm and (oddly enough) loved. I do believe you should continue with it.

Thank you for this read. Enjoyable.

Reminds me of the film 'Miracle on 34th Street' (I think it's the 34th street anyway). I only read the first chapter, but had these points to make:

Nice little tale ... and good descriptive writing, which I can tell you have a particular liking for. Is it possible not to describe the contrasts? You mention the different seasons, but would be nice to keep with winter ... you mention the outside of the house, then contrast that immediately with the inside. While it is lovely to be able to do this - I would have preferred you describing the setting of the season - as it is (not with a lingering memory of the summer) and after this, it's bitterly cold, dead and black/white - then go onto describe the inside of the house - which is warm and welcoming and filled with colour. That would maybe allow me to 'get lost' in the story and let it unfold on its own. As it is, I have to think as the 'direction' keeps interfering.

First para: which in a different season would be ...
Second para: the trees waiting for the summer ...
Third para: description of grandpa's face - just need to say it was etched with some kind of sadness (your words are good) but leave out the 'more often than not, smiling' ...
Fourth para: you mention he had arrived from California and had not seen his grandpa since he was six ... you only need say 'Walter was spending two weeks with his grandpa ...'
Fifth para: (first sentence) you mention the pelting rain contrasting with the warm fire ... again, a contrast that's not needed. And this is a sentence that stands on it's own, but doesn't lead the reader anywhere. You've already described the outside and the inside, and therefore set up the scene, simply start this para with the twinkling lights ... it'll read nicely from there.

There's really no need for that. It just interrupts the flow of what is a delightful little tale.

And, sorry, but one more thing. A lot of the sentences begin with 'He'. Once I noticed this, it kept hitting me in the fact. Try to coax out a little of that creativity. I know you can do it!

Besides these points, I really do like your idea and your writing, it has a 'cosy' feel about it and makes me feel warm and (oddly enough) loved. I do believe you should continue with it.

Thank you for this read. Enjoyable.

This is a wonderful gentle story that draws you in. I especially loved the Elves Work Shop. It gave a new meaning to music while you work.

Only thing wrong, that I could see, was that At Walter's 13th birthday party you say Chris's sister is Holly. Yet you call her Noel in chapter 3 and at the end of story.

Best wishes
Cas Meadowfield
The Wind Maker

What a magical christmas story. My eldest daughter would absolutely love to read this book at christmas time, it's perfect for entering into the spirit of things. I could picture the scene with the log fire etc and Walters excitement upon reading the diary and what he's about to discover. It's on my watch list.

Cody, better late then never.

I love the structure of your story and if my 5 year old is anything to go by, it's a very engaging childrens story.
I think what was good, it took me back to my childhood, my family and Christmas( I had a great-uncle who up to the age of 15 always put a stocking out at christmas, nobody dare ask his views on Father Christmas and he took his intent at that time to his grave).
A story the evokes those types of memories will always be a winner in my eyes
Good luck with this - Highly rated

Dear Cody,
I have just read the first three chapters of your book. It really made me smile as it read exactly like the kind of stories I enjoyed reading out aloud to my children when they were small. You have an engaging style that would draw a child in. I could imagine this selling well around Christmastime.

The voice of the child was well written and I like the idea of the story within a story.

I spotted a few minor mistakes but I am sure you will correct these as you edit it and I note that other commentators have mentioned them. I laughed at your use of 'sweet pea' as I still use that with my 17 year old!

Well done, I enjoyed the innocence and energy of this. Highly rated and a good first read back into the site.

Thanks

Tracey Hope The Crossings

CHIRG
Hi Cody,
Your short and long pitches are excellent and I like the title. Your writing is generally wonderful, but at times I found it all a little too sweet. But then I’m from the UK, we’re more cynical over here!!

Here's the nitty gritty, feel free to ignore, it's just one person's opinion.

I found some of your sentences a bit long and hard to follow, particularly in the second paragraph e.g. “While the trees outside are dry...” Try varying your sentence length a little more, so if you have a long sentence, follow it with a simpler one. Makes the whole paragraph easier to read.

You don’t need the speech tag “asked the young boy whose name was Walter” because it’s obvious from what’s gone before and after that it’s the young boy speaking. You have a tendency to write in too many speech tags, only put the ones you really need in there, and if just two people are speaking you may not need any at all. Too many speech tags slows the pace of the writing and in a first chapter the pace needs to be snappy.

I felt there was too much description in places, e.g. you could trim down the description of Grandpa going to get the book and bringing it back to his chair, the bit about the books on the shelf is great, but some of the other bits could go. A friend only last week told me her son (nearly 10) skips over any descriptions in a book, I think many boys do the same.

Generally you need a bit more pace. I know it is a gentle, sweet story, but children get bored easily and they won’t stick with this unless more starts happening earlier or the real story starts more quickly.

“Finally, after weeks of struggling...” this description of his emotional struggle feels disjointed from the little boy, I think the language is too authorial here. Need to get down to his level and describe how he would feel this emotional conflict, using the language he would use. Otherwise it feels a bit 'added on' by the author.

Why should we care about Walter? Finding it hard to like him, or the Grandpa, not sure why. I like the bit where he spills the cocoa and doesn’t clear it up – very 8 year old boy, but other than that he seems a little too passive. Make me really care about him first and then I will care about what he cares about. Maybe he needs to be more emotionally invested in whether Santa Claus exists or not. e.g. maybe he's just lost a fight with the school bully in the playground over whether Santa is real, and he's desperate to prove he's right. Suddenly, I'm interested and even I want Santa to exist!

The voice of Walter Carter in the journal has a breathy, rushed quality which is very 8 year old boy, but it still doesn’t feel entirely like an 8 year old voice. It’s too detailed, an 8 year old boy simply wouldn’t have the patience to write all that (including the publication date of the book he’s reading) in his diary. Also he’s writing this after the events have taken place (as it says in the first part of his journal) but still remembering lots of detail about every day. You could make the entries shorter and use simpler language and sentence structure. I think that would help to make it feel more authentic.

Hope this isn't too negative. There's lots to like here and you obviously write well, but I feel you need to 'craft' your writing a little more for your audience.
5 stars from me!!
All the best,
Sharda.

Cody,

You have a wonderful thing going here. The premise of the story is wonderful and surely will be a delight to kids of all ages - a book to be shared between grandparents and grandchildren or parents and their kids.

You have done a great job bringing Walter and his granddad to life as well as the people living in King’s Village. The initial scene is very inviting and your voice really beckons the reader to curl up by the fire with a cup of cocoa and read. You have a talent for using words to create a lovely atmosphere.

I really liked this: “It is December, the one month in every year that the beauty inside out-shines the beauty outside.”

I have one suggestion, it’s only an opinion. I wonder if you could change the language of the 1914 Walter to give the impression that he’s of an earlier generation.

I only read to chapter two, as I spent a bit of time helping you out with some grammar issues and typos. I hope you don’t mind me pointing them out. You’ve got a great story, but if you attend to the mistakes, it will make your wonderful book even better. I’ll message you the nits, and I‘ll try to read more soon. I have to head to work… Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

this story is enchanting. there are one or two typos in it, but thats nothing that cant be easily rectified. The only problem that i had with this story is that i dont think it is realistic that you would call a young boy "honey". maybe this is a silly point to make but it stuck in my mind. other than that i was enthralled by the story, my favourite bits were at the start where we as readers got to know a little bit about te relationship between great grandpa and great grandson. i also enjoyed it when walter first met the frost family. good work. i will read more and post more comments:-)

Santa’s Brother.
By Cody Pelletier.


This is a delightful story based upon, Santa Claus and will keep a child spellbound as the story unfolds.
I felt really at ease as you describe the setting of Grandpa Walt’s lovely house as he prepares to read to the young Walter after they had decorated the Christmas tree.
The warmth of their love coming across as the fire burns in the hearth—the years between them being unimportant...they are both children at heart.
Grandpa reads from an old diary as the pair drink up their mugs of hot cocoa, the weather outside being kept at bay.
We are then taken way back by the contents of the diary as another Walter Carter a descendent of the family line describes the happenings of Kings Village as it was called in his time.
If a child ever has doubts about Santa Clause—this is the book to read.
It has very nice description running throughout, captivating, and very innocent in its storyline.
I would have bought this book myself, for my own children, if it had been there at the time.
It’s a good answer to the many questions a parent receives around the days before Christmas.
Many stars for this—such a lovely book,Cody.

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hi Cody,
I just dropped in for a peek at your book. I like the way it is written in the style of The Princess Bride with Grandpa telling the story. There were a couple little things I noticed. First off, tense - particularly in the fist couple of paragraphs - you flip between is and was where I think you would probably want it all in the past tense.
Second, and this is just an observation based on having a son about the age of your MC, at nearly 9 he should already know his name is a family tradition (My son's middle name is a 6th generation first son tradition) so instead of being surprized by the journal writer being Walter as well, maybe he could ask if that was the first Walter - the one they are all named after.
The story is good, it captures the reader right away!
I hope that is helpful!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

A very great christmas story. This is a type of book that any kid would really enjoy. Highly starred and very well written.
Scott Trimas
The Chimera Factor

Hi Cody.
I'm back to you at last.
I won't say much about the story, as you seem to know all the things a child would love to read about.
'Having a secret from their parents', 'Having a mystical power to see things others can't' and that 'bag of chocolates that keeps refilling itself'. True heaven!
I'm not too sure how you're going to get away with displacing Santa. It could cause a lot of questions.
How I can help, is by pointing out some things for you to check, to help you polish the book, without going over and over it, which is the bane of my life. You may have already sorted some, as you've been locked for editing. Here goes:

Chapter 1: "He said it's just a made up story" Should be....story," Comma after story.
8 and 6 and 9 and other numbers, better eight and six and nine.
....wisps' .... I don't think you need that apostrophe.
.....confident voice he said "Well..... Should be a comma after said.
"Yes please" Should be a stop/period "Yes please."
...so he said "I'll get you a cocoa. Again comma after said. You get the idea, I won't point any more of those out.
"I guess I'll need to start at the beginning," he said. You already said 'he said' at beginning of sentence.
I didn't offer to shack his hand. Should be shake.

Chapter 2:
.....chocolates "delicious" he said.,,,,,,,,chocolates, "delicious," he said.
.....lets continue," He said....Should be small 'he'.
.....is everything alright?" He asked.........Should be small 'he'.
.....my side of the room!" A voice echoed......Should be small 'a voice'


Chapter 3:
Gapped in shock. Should it be gaped?
Puzzles' ......Doesn't need the apostrophe.
This paragraph could be split up, bit long.

Chapter 4:
strangers' ....You don't need that apostrophe, unless it is something belonging to a group of strangers. Like 'Those strangers' house.'
I watch as Tilly's face lite up. Could be lit or lights.
'We fill those stocking.' ......stockings.

I hope these will help you out with your editing.
One more thing, there is a bit of a stigma on the site about backing your own book, it might put some people off, giving you the of day. It's entirely up to you though.
I wish you all the luck with your book and I wish my children were still young, so I could read it to them.
All the best Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

What a charming read your 7 posted chapters turned out to be for me Cody. Warming and wonderful. Magic & make-believe felt so naturally a reality. Each name was perfectly chosen for this magical story including Walt, which all children associate with (Disney). All in all a really lovely tale & one that keeps the reader feeling aglow.

Thanks Ian,

I really appreciate your taking the time to read my book. Also, I truly appreciate the feedback (you make some really good points). I look forward to reading Tiger Hugs over the weekend.

Thanks again,

Cody

I like chapter one and the idea that Santa Claus grew up in Texas. The opening really draws you into the winter scene and the dialogue bounces along playfully, but maybe the first paragraph could be split into two at “While the trees outside are dry and bare” because it looks too much to take in. Chapter 2 is a delightful story but perhaps it would be good if the charming and well-written reaction between young Walt and his grandfather started a third chapter, and that gets away from having to say, “Well let’s see what he writes about that”.

One final thought on the chapters I’ve read so far - three characters called Walter might be a bit daunting, especially for younger readers, and the device of using italics for speech and non-italics for narrative can be a little confusing.

Overall this book is full of neat situations and good descriptions, and with editing has the potential to really reach out to young readers.

Thank you so much for your comments and support, it is truly appreciated. Yes, I agree I need to fine tune it I love your Michalangelo Analogy). I also appreciate the edit comments – that’s not my strongest point.
I will definite read Clarissa’s Kitchen and The Milche Bride, they both look great.

Thanks again,

Cody

Cody,
Good things first:
Charming beginning. Reminded me of the Princess Bride. Your pitch was right on. Love Santa and stories about him. Giving you lots of stars and keeping this on my watchlist. Grandpa and Walter are well drawn. Have a clear plot and storyline.
Things that need work:
Needs a lot of pruning. Think Michalangelo and a sculpture. There's a beautiful piece of art inside the block, you just have to get rid of everything that is not the work of art. You have a tendency to overwrite and describe the same thoughts more than one way. Don't, just express the thought in as few words as possible.
A few grammar or punctuation errors (I'm terrible at this, so wait until someone else mentions them too) .
Will list the ones I caught in case it helps you edit, I know I love when people point out specific errors so I can actually fix them.
'Windows glistening with' I thought this should be 'Windows glisten with'
Lovely thought, but extra comma in 'It is December, the one month in every year that the beauty inside, out shines the beauty outside. ' Omit that second comma, I'd also delete the next sentence which is a repeat.
'voices beatify' spelling or typo error
'as he sat quietly across from him he, studied' has a misplaced comma 'across from him, he studied
'Walter wish', should be 'Walter wished'
'How old is he I wonder? Walter thought. 'How old is he, Walter wondered?'

Again, you have a cute story here. Keep at it. Hope you get a chance to look at one of mine and help me prune it.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Hi Cody, I've read your first few chapters and really enjoyed it. I can imagine this as the sort of book that parents would read to their children snuggled up in front of the fire on a winter's night. You have some wonderful descriptions and I love the relationship between Grandpa Walt and Walter and the fact that he is passing on a family tradition to his own grandson.. It promises to be a really lovely story. It could do with a bit of editing as some of the sentence structure is a bit strange - for example, the sentence beginning 'While the trees outside...' should be joined up with the following sentence with just a comma rather than a full stop (period) between them and I noticed a few typos such as 'beautify' which I think should read 'beautifully'. When I first joined the site, one of the best pieces of advice I received was to read my story aloud. That way you can hear what is wrong and whether or not the dialogue sounds authentic.

I look forward to coming back and reading more very soon but in the meantime, lots of stars and on my watchlist for backing when I reshuffle my shelf.

If you have a moment to look at my book and rate/back as you see fit, I'd be very grateful.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Hi Cody, The storyline had me absorbed and with the details about Walter's relations, Chris Frost , and the town itself. If you want children of eight-years-old to read it, you would want to look at some of the words and sentence structures. Such as "before cars existed", you'd probably want to simply say, "before cars." Also, you would want to format the present story with Walter and his grandfather against the diary story - setting them off. This promises to be a charming tale and one that shows the oral tradition about a family's Santa Claus. Shelved (when I'm on my main computer) - Katherine

You have an arsonal of great descriptive words. The storyline is very creative. My opinion would be to firm up the manuscript. Let the gems of your prose shine through. I am through chapter 4 - it is hard for me to put down right now. will get back to it and at least write you another summary. If you have questions you would like to ask me about your story. will be happy to hear them. Janice