Pawn of the Scrim

{Pawn of the Scrim} – J. Russell Lenaburg

You have a great story unfolding here, with interesting threads and well-developed characters. I like the multiple perspectives that you write from; we get a good idea of all the different players, and you cleverly infuse details about the fantasy elements you’ve created. Overall, well-written and an engaging piece! I’ve made more specific notes below about the pitch and opening chapters, which I hope will be useful as you polish the manuscript. All just suggestions of course, feel free to take or leave anything!

Thanks so much for your long term support of my writing, and being one of the first to read/back my book! I won’t forget your help :)

Cara

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Pitch:

Just a thought here – in the first part of the long pitch, you sort of repeat what you’ve said in the short pitch, so I’d rework to make more effective. Also, the long pitch mainly focuses on a sequence of actions/events, with quite a lot of plot detail in it. Perhaps try cutting back slightly on the plot detail, and bring in something more personally linked to Avery – his personal struggle/any underlying thematic issues? In my view it is the characters of a story, and deeper themes, that are really so important – because a lot of plots can sound similar on a superficial level (especially in the fantasy genre). I hope that might be useful! I thought I would comment on this because the pitch is so important in enticing people and getting them to read in the first instance.

(Chapter notes – these refer to the authonomy numbers!)

Chapter 1:

Terrific, tense opening. Very atmospheric and you build up a strong feeling of foreboding to really hook the reader and get them into the story. The writing is polished and easy to read – only have one small nit pick…

I noticed repetition of the ‘Of that he was… certain’, perhaps change/reword or avoid the second use, for variation?

Chapter 2:

Compared with the first chapter/scene, this opening was a little slower, although it wasn’t enough to deter me from continuing. I’ve made a note about starting at a later point a bit further on in the comment… I just think it’s important to maintain the level of interest you created with the first scene. For instance, saying ‘The ride to work passed uneventfully’ is a boring detail that we don’t really need to know, and doesn’t add to the story.

Having said that though, I like the way you portray Avery/his character/thoughts – it’s great getting inside his head, you write with a nice third person perspective that is nonetheless very personal to your protagonist. And, by the end of the chapter there is certainly a lot of tension!

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‘Avery had always been fond of children’ → I think this is a place you could do more ‘showing’ instead of just explaining his fondness to the reader. For instance, if you describe the smile that creeps across his face as he watches a little boy play, or something, and the warm feeling that spreads inside his chest when the little boy waves hello… That would make the scene more engaging and personal, as the reader really gets a snapshot into Avery’s mind and his feelings/desires are implicit. Often, through implying things, you can get the message across more powerfully – as the reader draws their own conclusions, as opposed to feeling like they’ve been ‘dictated’ what to think.

Ah now, Avery notices something strange (with the runner)… personally, I would consider beginning this chapter somewhere around here, to make it more unique. Having the MC wake up in the morning and go through a typical day is almost cliché, it’s been done a lot. But, the scene in the park is individual and specific to your story – you also do a great job at providing insights into Avery’s character here, by describing his musings.

Sentence ‘Dark auburn hair with an olive skin tone…’ for me this doesn’t make too much sense, because the first part of the sentence makes the dark auburn hair the subject – then there isn’t a ‘break’ before the subject shift to talking about the skin… so it feels a little confused. How about something like; ‘Dark auburn hair framed a slender oval face, her olive skin smooth and glinting with perspiration. She had a lithe…’

‘Thoughts of thieves and murders…’, so here ‘thieves’ are people and ‘murders’ are things… I’d say ‘Thoughts of thieves and murderers’ or else ‘thefts and murders’ so you’re consistent with the type of noun used, just a thought!

‘Smiling once more, he replied…’ then in the next para you say again ‘he couldn’t help but smile himself’, but the picture that I have is that he’s already smiling (plus there’s a lot of smiling going on right now anyway…) So perhaps change?

Chapter 3:

Really enjoyed this chapter! It’s great how we get this insight into the ‘baddies’, and also some detail about the fantasy/supernatural aspect on the story. I also like the way you use dialogue to bring forth these details. Sable is such a menacing figure and I can’t wait to see how the conflict is going to unfold! Also, the mention of Redding’s name ties back to the first chapter, so the reader feels like things are linked and the story has a strong sense of direction… main notes for this chapter are just little picky details:

Perhaps instead of ‘to allow little interference’ could just be ‘minimizing interference’ → cuts down the number of words, as the full sentence is quite long.

Azure’s hair – described as ‘blonde’ → because he is male, should be ‘blond’, although this is British English I think… just pointing it out in case!

Description of Lira; ‘her beautiful hair’→ wherever possible, I try and avoid using the word ‘beautiful’, because it doesn’t actually tell us much! Beauty is a very subjective thing and different to everyone… so, beautiful hair could be anything. Is it straight? Silky curls? Graceful waves flowing down her back?

‘we performed a sacrifice of an individual’ this feels a little wordy to me, perhaps simply ‘we sacrificed a man’

‘smiling evilly’; you use the word ‘smile/smiling’ quite a bit, and also evilly is a bit like beautiful in that it is quite vague. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘the corners of her mouth twitched into a malicious smirk’ would paint a stronger picture?

Chapter 4:

The pace is really picking up now! I like how we’re getting little clues as to what’s going on… and the action to finish off the chapter is perfect, makes us wonder what’s next. Well done!
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‘was the same amount of time’, I think perhaps ‘took’ instead of ‘was’ is a more fitting verb?

Perhaps instead of ‘telling’ readers that Samantha is a ‘fascinating’ person… show it; actually write a conversation between them/describe Avery’s feelings as he’s listening to her talk about her views. I think this could be more powerful!

In some paragraphs, you use the name ‘Avery’ a lot where you could just say he/him/his to avoid the repetition – he’s the only guy in the scene at the moment so we know who you’re referring to, plus as long as you establish who the subject is in each paragraph, we don’t need to be told more than once

When Avery starts mixing himself a drink – I’d expand more on the way he is feeling right now. Overwhelmed? Shocked? Worried slightly? And, maybe how he needs a drink to calm his nerves… his hands shake when he’s mixing… that would convey more about his state of mind. I think if I was in his position I’d be pretty creeped out… even if I’d randomly managed to get a hot girl come to my apartment :P

‘She nodded slightly’ is followed in the next sentence by ‘a slight tingling’, maybe remove one of the ‘slights’ to avoid repetition?

LOVE the image of ‘conscious thought’ which ‘congealed’ :)

‘As they rounded a corner…’ ‘As they stopped at a red light…’ a few instances of ‘As… ‘/same structure beginning sentences. Perhaps vary a little more?

I have been thinking some more about the "as" thing and knowing how much you love Chapter 30, I considered how one of its paragraphs could be worded so it flows more smoothly but doesn't change the integrity of the narrative. How does something like this sound?

Rather than, "As Ethan observed the fairy, she suddenly looked up…" Could you have, "Ethan saw the fairy suddenly look up, snapping out of her trance. Becoming aware of the danger surrounding her, she looked to the trees for an escape. Ethan knew already it was too late. Tentacles erupted from the water, snatching lithely at the fairy whose light had now turned a deep red."

Don't forget that this is just my own personal view of how I think the story would flow better. Other people might totally disagree with me.

Baisleac

I've read the first two chapters so far. I will read more tomorrow. I must say that I love where it's going. You completely drew me in to this book and I felt like I couldn't read fast enough. Unfortunately, I'm at work and I'm pretty sure it would be frowned upon if I decided to shrug my duties and read all night. Haha. Highly starred from me and as soon as I have shelf room, it's going on it. :)

I've only read the first 2 chapters of your novel but I'm impressed with what you've done. I agree with Lombardo in regards to the grammar changes. The detail is rich; this works well with dark topics. Try to give more of a visual image to the action. Also, on this first page, you have "Drawing [out] the knife" twice. The thesaurus is my best friend when I write.
I can't wait to read this in its entirety.

Hi Jordan,
I read authonomy Chapter 1 and most of Chapter 2. Excellent, well-crafted tale. From your pitches and the story itself I got the feeling that your protagonist's thoughts of 'what am I doing here? Is this all there is to life--a monotonous job? There has to be something more fulfilling for me' will be something to which many readers will relate. Your story also has going for it the way you begin "in media res" without a lot of setup, helping to hook the reader right away.
A few nitpicks:
Simplify your long pitch--in my opinion it is too complex, with too much detail that makes it difficult to absorb.
At the end of the long pitch you lowercase "shade" but in earlier instances you initial-cap it as "Shade."

Chapter 1
At the end of the first paragraph, maybe change "evilly" to "malevolently" or "maliciously" or something else? Evilly strikes me as an awkward term.
Put a comma after "few Lord(s) left in existence"
At end of Chapter 1, "pawn" is lowercased and inconsistent with earlier initial-capped instances of the term.

Chapter 2
Should "reached to the clock" say "reached for the clock"?
"seeing fir the first time" should say "seeing for the first time"
Add a "the" before "monkey bars"
"phantom to which she was speaking" doesn't sound right because she is not speaking to the phantom, she is speaking to your protagonist. How about "phantom of which she was speaking"?
Highly starred,
Dean Lombardo

Mostly I was too engrossed in the story to nit-pick, congratulations! A few times I actually forgot that you might like some feedback because I was busy enjoying what I was reading. By the end of Chapter 4, I just wanted to read and not worry about feedback but since that isn’t very fair to you, I've jotted down a few things I’ve noticed up to that point.

My comments stem from personal likes and dislikes. I am not confident enough with my own grasp of the mechanics of English to say that you should or should not do something but I offer the advice from the perspective of an avid reader.

I see that repeating words has already been noted a few times in other comments so I’ll leave that but I picked up specifically that you use “as” a lot. Hopefully more experienced people will read this comment and if they disagree with me, they’ll say so because I don’t know if it’s something that bothers other people or just me. For example, Ch.2 – “sprinting as quickly as he could... flashing as he closed the door...uneventfully, as it always did...As the bus slid to a halt...Sighing as he pulled his badge...future clouded Avery’s mind as he worked...et cetera” I don’t know if this is a real fault, it’s just a personal dislike. Similarly, I have an aversion to the overuse of “seem” which appears quite frequently in Ch.2.

I saw a lot of sentences with a comma before the “and” but they weren’t a list, there were also quite a few sentences starting with “And”. I see this more and more in modern publications but I was always taught that you can’t start a sentence with "and" and you only put a comma before it if there’s a list.

There were one or two relatively minor typographical errors that I noticed but they’re very minor and I’m sure you’ll find them and fix them as you go over it.

Overall, wow. Very impressed. Looking forward to reading the rest! I've already put this on my bookshelf and it will be staying there until it gets to the editor's desk!

Baisleac.
PS - If you want to respond to comments, I've read that it's better to respond directly to the person rather than on here because apparently people often don't come back here so they won't see your answers.

The one crit I would offer is one that has been given to me and one which I am constantly working on, you often repeat the same word in a short space of time.

Grammar/spelling are very good. The only thing I would suggest on grammar is watch for redundancies - the use of the same word within the same paragraph or the same expression in adjoinng sentences.

This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for! I never really realized that I do this, but after going back and reading with fresh eyes I see how this happens a lot. I've corrected the first two chapters to make them flow a little better without the repetition.

Wow Jordan,

I absolutely love your opening. It is certainly very vivid, and your imagery is fabulous. I'm definitely gonna have to read more (when it is not 1am!!), thank you so much for sharing.

Well anyway, what a useless comment at the moment! I promise I will be back with a better one tomorrow morning :D In the meantime I'm going to indulge in a little more of this excellent story, then hit the pillow!

All the best :)

Cara

Russell,

I think you have a great premise and a wonderful opening to your book. You combine a vivid imagination with a talent for storytelling, which is a brilliant combination. I loved your description of the shadowy being that killed Redding in ch 1 was excellent. You give the reader just enough to form a picture in their mind, but at the same time leave enough to the reader's own imagination.
The one crit I would offer is one that has been given to me and one which I am constantly working on, you often repeat the same word in a short space of time.
You refer to Redding's name excessively in ch 1. Many places where a simple 'he' would suffice without the reader being confused as to whom you refer.
You also repeated 'racing' twice in one paragraph. I think if you iron these out, your narrative would flow a lot more smoothly.
Great hook at the end of chapter 2!

This has great potential and I am starring it highly.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Russell,
Good beginning. Great chapter one, flow was great and although fantasy is not my genre, the storyline was clear and the skinned Redding and pools of blood were mesmerizing. Chapter two, again, good job. The last half of the chapter when the girl (oracle?) grabs him and invites herself home, well, I'll be back to read chapter three.
Your pitch was good. Plot is promising.
Grammar/spelling are very good. The only thing I would suggest on grammar is watch for redundancies - the use of the same word within the same paragraph or the same expression in adjoinng sentences. Ex. ch2, parag 1. hear's the alarm, reaches for the alarm clock - just say reaches for the clock. You also have snooze, snooze button, snoozed in one paragraph. Maybe replace snooze button to nine minute setting.
Also in chapter 2, when he is describing the terrified girl you wrote 'for all appearances, it appeared she was running. Just say ' it appeared she was running'
Well done! High stars. Great hooks at end of both chapter 1 and 2.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

The only very minor suggestion I might make is to break down the chapter into smaller segments, it'll make it more readable. If it were a physical book, it'd be perfect, but reading online comes with some annoying parameters. (:
Again, fantastic work, you've got a great mind!

Thanks for the support and I'm glad you find it valuable! Through reading a couple other books on here I can totally see what you mean about shorter segments. I'm going through and cutting up my chapters right now to make them more manageable. It's also not fair of me to swap a chapter with someone who has a 5 page chapter compared to my 30 page first chapter :)

Wow, wow, wow. Utterly splendid. This will be going on my bookshelf immediately. Spotless manuscript, extremely evocative writing, engaging characters, fast paced. You've created an exceptional world here. You definitely have a way with words. In the first portion of the chapter I literally gasped aloud when I read that Redding had been skinned. Ech! Intense. But truly, great work! 6 stars from me. The only very minor suggestion I might make is to break down the chapter into smaller segments, it'll make it more readable. If it were a physical book, it'd be perfect, but reading online comes with some annoying parameters. (:
Again, fantastic work, you've got a great mind!

Bre
Memoria