The Father

A family moves in next door only there’s something not quite right about them, at least that’s what the Father says. And the father has strong family values, a man who chose Paradise, Pennsylvania because of the Academy. These are the Holflappers – not a Smith or a Jones or some half-wit Brown. No, this family is unique.

The neighbors are different though and one of them’s got a tattoo of a mermaid and the other’s got some language. Judas and Jack are like every other young boy, inquisitive, naïve, ear, fearless, except when the father’s around. And who’s uncle Lu? I think I fear him as much as a prowling lion. And be careful which mouthwash you choose when spitting out nasty words. (I had a visual here of Ralphie from ‘You’ll shoot your eye out’ fame.)

The father can see the boys even if they try to hide round the clapboard-sided garage. It’s enough to give me the willies and it should be enough for them. But it’s not. There’s a door near the back corner of the kitchen and sounds coming from it. I would be suspicious wouldn’t you?

This book is rich in dialogue with strong characters, propelling it to the upper end of its genre. I was sorry to have only read 6 chapters. It just wasn’t enough. In the meantime, very high stars for originality and entertainment. Claire – The Snare of the Fowler

Wow. Your first chapter had me enthralled. Your writing is concise and clear. Your descriptions are vivid but not too long-winded. The tense emotions of the children, the frustration of their father, and the mystery surrounding their mother's disappearance make this an interesting and intriguing read. I have no doubt that you are headed for publication. I can't stop reading! Highly starred and on my shelf.
Awesome.
Laura Markovitch
The Waiting Room

Refreshingly different, but so well crafted. The Father is so chillingly real. I read to Chapter 6 and I'll have to come back for more because I simply must know what happens to these little boys - how they survive childhood governed by such an austere and self-righteous man. Superb writing! Congratulations!
RaineyC
The Pencil Case

i have rated your book six stars

This is one of THE best book on autonomy that I've read! I have read every single word of it - couldn't put it down HAD to back it! (and took a darn good book off my bookshelf to do so). This is as good as Stephen King! This is marvelous! Doesn't matter what genre a person likes, everyone would enjoy this book - be so gripped by it that they can't put it down. Who ARE you???? A genius! No one should offer any criticism - it would be like an ant telling a tiger how to growl. The only suggestion I can think of that might improve the book an itsy, bitsy bit is to make your dialogues shorter (see chs. 10 between Jack and Peter, chs. 12 between Jack and Lanny, and chs. 16 and 17). I will purchase and read every single book you write. Am I gushing? YES ... and this book, your writing, deserves every single word. Why are you bothering to post on authonomy? Just send this manuscript to any top-of-the-line publisher and it will be published! Got any more books?

As a video producer I look for books where I can see the action and this one certainly fills the bill. I have no trouble visualizing each sentence.

Very well done! Best of luck in this endeavor! Highly starred!

Drew
The Eyes of Tokorel

I've gotten to the end of chapter four of this compelling read, and must stop for a while (should have a while back but couldn't), but I'll be back. This man is so frightening and yet so real. This is a totally believable and very menacing character. What he's done so far has been somewhat (but not shockingly) violent, physically -- whipping with a belt, washing out the mouth with some sort of dangerous chemical -- but the extreme hard-heartedness and self-righteousness is chilling. It would almost be unbearable if it weren't such a terrific book. The plot has an inexorable feel to it, and when I can see trouble coming I am filled with fear and dread, just as the poor boys are. Outstanding. I cannot stop wondering what happened to their mother.

Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man)

Chapter 8: Oh, this one is a good one, full of religious metaphors, and tension with Jack being somewhere that could get him into HUGE trouble, and still may, because at the end of the chapter I felt apprehension, not relief. The Father will know, he knows all, sees all :) and Jack will be discovered.

Here Jack, like Adam, is tempted by the "Apple" and gives into temptation. The Father is right in the sense that Jack has a propensity to stray, because Jack is very curious and curiosity is not a good thing for religion. I like the title of this chapter. I thought there were a lot of religious hints that I picked up, and by being there it made the story that much better, because I am getting something two-fold: 1) Reality: The suspense of Jack doing something he shouldn't, risking himself getting caught and 2) The Religious undercurrent: with the metaphors of the "Apple," Jack's doubt in The Father/religion, the "Thou shalt not call me Pucer" comment that could be added to the Ten Commandments, the inclusion of such words as "self-flagellation"... This is all very clever.

Now, to my suggestions, minor as they are:
1) The line: But where does it come from? **Either put this in italics alluding to current thought, or my preference, change it to past tense: But where did it come from?
2) The line: But what if I got it unlocked and then couldn't lock it afterwards? I'd be screwed. **I'd put this line in Italics due to it being thought.

Chapter 9 another day.

Absolutely captivating! The slow but sure build up of a very strange and frightening atmosphere surrounding the Holflapper family is masterfully crafted. Fortunately, the interaction between the two brothers, Jack and Judas, is normal, as is their interaction with their new neighbors for otherwise one would be able to barely breathe, so constrictive is the feeling that permeates this story.
I have only read two chapters but it is enough to inform me that this is writing of the highest order. I am very interested to read on further and I will but allow me to do that from my bookshelf while giving you the highest praise for your excellent work.

The Father is an astonishing, terrifying book. I believe I held my breath through all of chapter 8. Chapter 21 was a work of genius. I was absolutely gripped with anxiety. This book is so well written it must be published. I am still sitting here with the last chaper open. I can't seem to tear myself away. I feel emotionally drained. I don't remember the last time a book evoked so much emotion. Wow.

My intention was to read jus tthe first chapter or two to get the gist of your storyline. I'm now on chapter 7 and feeling utterly unnerved by the bath tub scene. Wow. Father is such a strange character. Strange in a good, creepy way.

The detail you provide in the children's play scenes is spot on. It totally brings me back to my own childhood remembering how easy it was to create new games and have fun with the simplest toys.

I'm so engrossed in the story that I am not actively looking for items in need of "fixing". But, I have yet to stumble upon any grammatical or spelling errors.

I am so anxious to return to the story so this will be the extent of my comments. I will star this work highly.

Sylvia Talo
Deadly Dot Com Revenge

You can write. That much is obvious from the first chapter, which is all I've managed so far, but I shall read on. Your prose has an usual rhythm to it, I hesitate to use the word poetic since that is such a cliche, but I do think it has music, a certain staccato quality that may not be to everyone's taste but which I find very appealing. For example, 'The day was sunny....really', or, 'In time, the veil, and all that was hidden it, faded away.' I like this kind of writing a lot, though I can't do it myself. I wish I could. I wish it came naturally to me.

Ok, some editorial observations. 'Childish disagreements'. This worried me. It's potentially misleading. It could mean the quality of the disagreement and the fact that it was between children. Either way, there's a whiff of mixed metaphors here.

'Could it be, he wondered, (that) there's something wrong with the boy?' This is a small point, I know, but the lack of the word 'that' made the sentence jar for me. Without the clause, it would have been fine. With the clause, it sounds incomplete.

Typo: wit's end singular should be wits' end plural, right?

'Years later, while in his second year of high school...' Love this sudden jump forward into the future. It creates a sense of anticipation in the reader's mind and is also a nice juxtaposition of Jack's perspective and the father's. You get the sense that Jack will be coming into the story more, that we are setting up for a story with multiple perspectives and so we'd better not get too comfortable think it's all going to be from the father's viewpoint>

'They of course knew that they at one time had a mother'. I both like and dislike this sentence. I like the fact that it doesn't have any punctuation, but the components are oddly arranged. I think 'at one time' should either come somewhere at the beginning of the sentence or towards the end.

The passage where Jack remembers his mother is very good, in as much as it gives, at the time when we are starting to expect it, a bit of back story without holding up the narrative. Very good.

'If one were to ask Judas...' is quickly followed by 'He couldn't tell you...' Perhaps the second sentence, for the sake of consistency, should read, 'He couldn't say with any certainty...'

The sequence with the brothers on the swing is beautifully done, very well observed. It reminded me of when my brother and I used to play on the swings in our local park. I particularly liked the reference to wanting to break the world record for the highest swing. An excellent detail.

As I said earlier, you clearly a very good writer and on the basis of this first chapter I will read on. In the meantime I have given the book five stars and expect to shelf it in due course.

Chapter 7: This is probably the most allegorical of all the chapters, especially seen in the Father's rage when he gets jealous over Jack's words. It rings both true for realistic fiction, but can be equally related to Christian fiction. The name of the chapter alone alludes to the biblical flood, wiping out the bad in the world. The dunking in water can also be interpreted in relation to a baptism, especially afterwards when the Father says to Jack "I am your father ... your only father." And waiting for confirmation that Jack accepts this. This is what baptism is, being immersed in only one religion. Also, I can see Amul and his family as an opposing religion, and although I thought of Muslim first, it isn't so as Amul is a Hindu name. But, he still represents an opposing religion offering enticements to convert, doubly seen in the Father's words here: "He is only trying to seduce you into rejecting me."

In a purely non allegorical evaluation the Father snapping like this and dunking his son is abusive, and shows how the man cannot tolerate any competition for his son's affections. I can only see his sons coming to resent him, and more trouble ahead because once the father does an act like this it can only get worse.

Now, I found one slip in tense as seen here: Jack shakes his head and rolls his eyes. *Change to: Jack shook his head and rolled his eyes.

One nitpick: I wouldn't mention Jack's Adam's apple (near the end) as it alludes to an older boy. Yes, everyone has one, even females, but an Adam's apple isn't pronounced until a boy reaches puberty.

Conclusion: I can see why you like this chapter, I did too. And, it's chilling what the Father does in a jealous fit of rage to a small boy.

Chapter 6: It was nice to read about the interaction between Jack and Peter, and to see the way Peter's parents reacted to him learning his numbers. The confusion it brought to Jack, to see how happy they were, especially Amul, because it was such a stark contrast to Jack's father. The Father is very socially awkward, the way he barely responded to Amul is painful to watch (your words creates pictures), but it fits his personality perfectly. I have only one nitpick: "Well, you have a good night, Jack." Amul pats him on the back. *Present tense has slipped in there. Change "pats" to "patted."

Onward and upward :)

I really enjoyed reading THE FATHER. I'm gripped on your characters behaviours

Chapter 5: You aren't giving me any work as I still can't find any structural problems, whether sentence or chapter related. Also, I couldn't find a comma out of place or any typos. This is polished and edited to the point where, if you so choose, "The Father" could be published via Kindle without a problem. Of course who'd have to format things, but that only takes two weeks at the most.

Now, my thoughts on the content. Again, very good. As a reader I can see why Jack is shy and acts like he does: the stuttering and social awkwardness. And, it's ironic that the Father doesn't know why. Of course it's because of the Father that Jack is like this. The Father has installed fear into him (repression--like religious leaders do). The example of Jack interacting with the Smith kids in an earlier chapter is a prime example: Jack played with them, picked up a swearword and was punished for it. Play with a kid = Punishment. It would be sub-conscious of course, but nonetheless it's there. Plus, all these restrictions also binds the boy, and the fact he hadn't much opportunity to interact with children prior to school, other than with his brother and the ill-fated play date with the Smiths, also plays a part in his shy personality.

Chapter 6 another day.

The Father:

When I first came across this a couple of years ago, I think it was, because of the subject matter, I remember it being difficult to read. I've now read much more of it, and yes, it's still not a cheerful read but goodness, it sure kept me reading. My heart was in my throat at the chapter about Lanny looking for Jack. You pulled me right into the scene and I wanted to tell her to get out of there before the father returned, and the scene with Mary and Dana is sure a tear-jerker. Instead of my heart in my throat, you replaced it with a darn lump.

The Father would have me on the edge of the seat if I was watching it on the big screen.

Writing is very good, although I came across some passive sections but this may be intentional. Let me know if you'd like suggestions on these and I will make notes.

I've highly starred this and it will be on my shelf, hopefully at my next changeover.

All the best,

Cáit

A very polished piece of writing. I found it very gripping, read up to ch. 9 and then skipped ahead to the last 3 chapters. Sorry, I know it's a bad habit but I wanted to know if it was heading the way I thought it was. The lord thy god is a jealous god. The kids lives and the father as a person are convincingly drawn. and it is a page turner for the chapters I read anyway. I can't make any comment on writing or punctuation as I was just reading the story. I didn't notice any corrections that needed making, anyway nothing brought me up short or spoiled the story.
Interesting, more creepy than a horror story,and staying on my watchlist.

If I were to choose one word to describe this work, it would be 'different'. Different in both style and content, which which makes it a refreshing change from so much currently appearing on the Authonomy website. Clearly a great deal of thought has gone into the writing.It is not something dashed off on a Sunday morning at the word processor. The story does lose its way from time to time but that does not detract from the overall impression that this is an excellent piece of writing. I have resisted the temptation to comment on grammar and punctuation !

Best wishes Philip

Chapter 4:

Content:
The father is one of the worst types of neighbours--pompous and self-righteous. I remember having an irritating neighbour similar to him that didn't like noise in the backyard. We owned our property and they were just renters who moved in afterwards. My husband could see my head ready to explode with angry every time the guy spoke to me. But, the neighbour rarely spoke to my husband, or maybe just the once when my husband told him how angry I was. 90 per cent of the time I'm calm, but when I'm angry run :) Well, after all that long spiel what I'm getting at is I think people will be feeling sorry for the Smiths, who have great restraint in not telling the father to go get f*&^%d. You are creating a very real situation here, because there are people like this that have such a rigid way of life that they suck all the fun out of things. With the price of a few rude words the Smith children are enjoying life, but with the father's kids they are getting their childhood stolen because they have nothing but fear and everything surrounding them is a sin (religion does that--makes everything fun a sin).

But the thing is, no matter how frustrating and irritating the father is, he's also fascinating and I want to read about him (unlike my annoying ex-neighbour who deserved a few choice words and a not so friendly Kiwi wave with the middle finger. But, I have self-control:) He also has that creepy aura about him that also makes him very readable. Those photos. No wonder Jack had a nightmare :)

Names:
The father: That leads me to think of God, but with the things that he does, it's not very Godlike. I tend to think of him as more of an allegory for religion as there are many non-Godlike things that are done in God's name when it comes to many different religions.

Judas: Giving the boy that name, one knows that there is going to be trouble. Is he going to turn on the father eventually, betraying him or Jack.

Jack: Another name for John. The apostle? Hopefully he doesn't bring up his own children like the father has raised him--continuing his teachings. (He really did get a crappy present from Judas. My son would've been horrified to get a girl's present, lol. But with Judas being younger he wouldn't have differentiated between girls and boys toys. Plus, he probably saw it as special due to Lanny telling them about the Little Mermaid.)

Structure:
Perfect, don't change a thing.

Typos/Nitpicks: None. The words chosen fitted well, and there was nothing that I could find that didn't work in relation to sentence structure.

Dialogue: Perfect.

Conclusion: Sorry that I don't have any suggestions to change.

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A disquieting, compelling start. Jack and Judas are sympathetic central characters. I'm eager to see how they handle things. Splendid imagery. Spiked with tension. Swift pacing.

Specific comment on the first chapter:
1) "Look boy, over there in the shade." Comma after 'look.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... with a round face, framed in blond hair, cut in a short bob.' Blond = male. Blonde = female. Also, that second comma makes the sentence read that the face was cut in a short bob. Consider deleting the second comma.
2) "What's your names?" 'What's' should be 'what are.'

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "Dont interrupt, Jack." then turned again to Judas. If you want 'then' lowercase, put a comma after 'Jack.' Otherwise, capitalize 'then.'
2) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Rodney.

Al

Rodney,
I had to back your book! Well written. Please check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Your help will be appreciated.

Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Hi Rodney
I like this a lot. It has a real creepy feeling to it and I definately feel for those boys. I dont want to live with him or uncle Lu - that's for damn sure. The writing is clean and crisp and it draws me in. I cant find any faults with this so far. Good job sir. 6 stars and on my w/l for shelving when I next rotate.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Chapter 3: Oh, that poor boy. Jack didn't even know what that word meant--that it was a swearword/bad word. I could tell this by his demeanour, especially when he picks the detergent that the father is going to use to wash out his mouth with. Horrible. I could see something bad was going to happen with the boys going to their neighbour's house. I was on edge all the way through this chapter after the father said he'd punish both if they did wrong.

Your chapters progressively get better. I couldn't find any problems, no typos, structural or sentence issues. I feel a bit guilty as I feel like I should be suggesting something to better the chapter. But then again, it's also good to let an author know that things are working well.

I haven't read this chapter the last time you had your book up. Authonomy is not a place that allows one much time to read through whole books, and in the past it was rare that I read past chapter 1. However, I'm more likely now to continue if I find a story that interests me and I really do like your book. It's the characters, in particular the father, that makes this book. He has me on edge, and although he cares for his boys his rigid approach to things will lead to trouble. And it's very realistic. I can see this happening.

P.S. The hearing of crying was a nice touch. Within a few words it shows a depth to the father. Very nicely done. Onto chapter 4 when I can.

The Father is the best book I've read on Authonomy. Rodney is a world-maker.

Chapter 2: Nice ending. That last line made me shake my head, because there was nothing I could see wrong with "that family" but the other way round. I can easily hear the other father saying those words about Jack's family, or about Father in particular, because Father is rather strange. I think his mistrust of people, steaming from possibly his wife leaving, and the rigid way he brought up his boys is realistic. I think it'll cause clashes with the new neighbours (who seem perfectly normal to me) in the future.

Another nicely structured chapter. If anything I like this one even better than the first, because I'm getting into the flow of the book now. Again, I also remember this chapter, but because that read was a while ago I can't comment on whether there is any differences or not.

I didn't find any typos this time, but one nitpick with this sentence: "The little girl dropped her head and wandered off like a sad moan..." *Change "like" to "with".

I don't have time for chapter 3 today, so I'll get back to you next week with more comments. Have a nice weekend, Marita.

I'll review your book chapter by chapter as it's easier this way to fit it around my work, plus it'll give you my immediate impressions. I remember reading The Father more than a year ago, and the mention of the incident in the yard with the boys on the swings was the memory that I have retained. It's illegal now to hit a child in New Zealand, but not back in my youth, and oh, I hated the belt. So, I felt sorry for Jack, especially since he told his brother not to do that. And I also cringed as Judas fell on his butt. To get a response out of me like this shows good descriptive writing.

In relation to the structuring of the chapter I think it went well, as I didn't get bored at any moment, and was taken along with your story from when the boys were 2 and 3, through the library scene, Jack's thoughts about not remembering his mother, Judas's memories of being tossed up and coming down onto the pile of leaves, the swing and belt incident... It all flowed nicely. I don't really have any constructive criticism of this chapter and only notice one typo in the second paragraph: "From the boy's bedrooms" should be "From the boys' bedrooms."

I have time for chapter 2 now so will get onto that one right away.

This is amazing. I promise I’ll be back later to give a more detailed review – feel free to leave a reminder if I happen to forget – but for now…Wow. That’s all I can say. I love how you call the character, ‘the father’ and the dynamics and immediate tension you create in just a few sentences. Your prose is lovely. Your talent, prodigious. Also, if I can be vain and trivial for a moment, the cover is amazing. It’s something that I would definitely look at closer if I saw that cover in a bookstore. Well done! Definitely on my bookshelf.
-Katya