New: a novella

I absolutely love this book. I'm actually kind of sad that I finished all of it already. You've done an amazing job bringing me into the story and I feel like I was right there with them. I can't wait until you get some more posted! I will be starring this quite high and I will try and find some space for you on my bookshelf.

Excellent! I loved the opening quote and wasn't expecting a court scene. Your writing is top notch and the story's idea is intriguing, making us curious enough to read on. Only slight nit-pick is the length of the judge's summing up. While it does set the scene it tends to ramble on a bit and the reader, being easily distracted, might lose interest. It might be worth tightening it up at that point. Other than that, first class!.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Hi Alex,

I’ve just had a look at your last two chapters. Thanks for letting me know you’d posted them. Sorry it’s taken me a while to get time to read them. I love this story. The whole fantastic horror of it just gathered me up and swept me away – from beginning to end. Great work.

Below are just two minor points.

Ch 4
‘Turning Huxley jumped’
This is confusing. I thought this meant that he jumped off the cliff.

‘Huxley smiled back though’
I’d remove ‘though’. It’s a stronger sentence without it and has more impact when he chooses to launch himself over the cliff.


Alex, this is a spooky story. Brilliantly conceived and beautifully executed. Chapter five is a frightening concept. You could tighten up the writing in chapter four –particularly at the start where Alex is talking (you might like to say Alex is the one talking early on. It’s a bit confusing otherwise). Maybe even split the monologue up – have Huxley’s reactions to what Alex is saying throughout. He just stands there holding a gun to Elizabeth’s head, which isn’t a normal reaction. The reader still can’t be sure if he’s normal or not at this point, so it would be really good to give him some normal thoughts here, at least, just to keep the reader guessing – and to increase the tension.

A very creepy concept, Alex. Beautifully done.

Sue

Alex,
I’ve finished reading and here are my thoughts about the last two chapters.
Chapter four begins with a speech that I think goes on too long for someone standing in the snow talking to a man holding a gun to the head of his colleague. It sounds more like a prepared political speech. It’s also a long time before we know who’s speaking.
The voice says that the canvasses are stripped of all humanity, that they do what they’re told, when they’re told, that they don’t think for themselves. This might be irony, that Alex really doesn’t realise how unoriginal the idea is – what about ‘I was only obeying orders,’ the genocides in Turkey, Germany, Ruanda? Were they not committed by people who didn’t think for themselves? The canvas idea maybe could be expanded to explain how a canvas is so much easier to manipulate than a human being.
Alex’s speeches could perhaps be tightened up a little as he has a tendency to repeat himself.
Seven years seems like a long time for these experiments. If the people of the future are so brilliant, why would it take them so long to get what is really not very exciting information? Why would they need it anyway if there aren’t any human beings as we understand the term?

‘Hahahaha’ wouldn’t it be better to say ‘Alex laughed’?

The action at the end of chapter four is a bit confusing, if Huxley launches himself backwards, he wouldn’t be falling head first, and if he was falling he wouldn’t be able to outrun the snowflakes, outfall maybe.

This is a story full of twists, where nothing is as it seems, and no one is who they appear to be. I like the idea that Huxley is also a canvas, and that the whole nightmare starts again is a satisfying end. That Alex’s voice follows Huxley, and even comes out of Elizabeth’s mouth is particularly chilling, and the fact that all of this final part unfolds in a snowstorm makes it doubly, and literally so. Julia rising from the dead only to be shot down again is particularly nasty.
If this was my story (and it isn’t, so feel free to ignore this completely) I’d truncate Alex’s exposition at the beginning of the chapter, rather like the judge’s speech at the beginning of the story, and add a phrase or so that explains why Big Brother felt the need for canvasses in the first place, given mankind’s track record on committing the most appalling acts simply because somebody told them to. There are quite a few typos in the last part of the chapter, so when you pick them out, you could perhaps tighten up the dialogue, prune out the excess words at the same time.

These are all minor points though. Essentially you have a good story here that in my opinion only needs a bit of polishing and tweaking to make it a very good story. The setting is limited and the action condensed into a short period which suits the story length. Your future world is well drawn and the twists in the plot well thought out.
Great imaginative stuff.
Jane.

Back for another read. Chapter 4 and 5 this time. You really spin a good nightmare. Chapter 4 does seem to explain everything. Chapter 5 is horrific!! Round we go again.
I'm not much good at editing I'm afraid. I enjoyed the read. The only things that jarred with me were the 'hahahaha' which seemed to go on too long and the word lurched when he was about to go off the cliff. Somehow my mind wanted it to be launched instead.
Great ending!

Hi Alex,

I’m back from my holiday, so I’m giving you the comments I promised before I left.

Alex, this is brilliant. Well, not exactly brilliant. Actually it’s terrifying. Your vision of a ‘brave new world’ is a frightening thing. There is no doubt about it, you have an amazing imagination and an obvious talent for writing.

I’ve gone through each chapter and written some notes for you. A lot is just tightening up your sentences by removing words that repeat something you’ve already said, or shuffling them around so you don’t need as many. Plus, there are a few typos.

You might want to copy this into word as I tend to give people a lot and it’s easier to work with in a word document where you can word-search. I work by giving you a few words to word-search in the first line, then my suggestions or comments on the next line. Obviously, everything I’ve given you here is just my opinion. Take what you want to out of it and trash the rest.


Ch 1

1) ‘focus and centre’
should be ‘centred’

2) ‘With them, the select’
I think I’d remove ‘With them’. The sentence makes perfect sense without it, so work on an economy of words.

3) ‘lent forward’
‘lent’ should be ‘leant’

4) ‘as he store’
should be ‘as he stared’

5) ‘hard decisions such as these, is’
‘is’ should be ‘are’ as ‘decisions’ is plural.

6) ‘ours today in our society’
I would use either ‘ours today’ or ‘in our society’. They convey a similar meaning and, again working on economy of words, removing one or the other would tighten up the sentence.

7) ‘when our science is only just beginning to develop the knowledge we currently know’
This is a bit of a contradiction in terms. If we are only beginning to develop the knowledge then do we currently know it? Maybe say something like ‘when our understanding of this science is still in its infancy.’

8) ‘our scientific and medical breakthroughs which we take for granted’
I’d use ‘the’ instead of ‘our’. If we take them for granted then they’ve been around for a long time so they probably aren’t ‘our’ breakthroughs, but our ancestors. (This is a bit like splitting hairs but ‘the’ makes a stronger sentence and it took me a while to work out why. I suspect this is the reason).

9) Fantastic punctuation, by the way. It’s great to see.

10) ‘seems like too wide a step’
remove ‘like’

11) ‘the general public who have not yet been declared legally deceased.’
‘who have not yet been declared legally deceased’ is a bit of an unusual addition when discussing the general public. We generally thinking of the general public as people who are living. I would remove this part of the sentence. It makes the sentence weak and you expand on this theme in the next few paragraphs anyway, so adding it at this point is unnecessary.

12) Sentence beginning ‘Though a hammer…’
This sentence feels incomplete, even with the judge’s comments afterwards. It might work better as something like;
‘The judge pounded his gavel, but the sound was lost in the pandemonium. Standing, the judge raised his voice.’ (This eliminates the need for ‘it was not until’, which is why it feels incomplete).

13) ‘now, despite my rejection at Mr Rockwell’s request’
Capital ‘n’ for ‘now’
‘at’ should be ‘of’

14) ‘cryogenic freezing process’
I’d remove ‘process’, otherwise you should really have to say ‘which involve the cryogenic freezing process being used on live…’

15) ‘test subject patients’
make it ‘test subjects’

16) ‘The court will interview…’
I’d probably try to make this sound more official by loading it with jargon. Maybe something like;
‘All volunteers will be interviewed and a court investigation into the backgrounds of the three successful volunteers will be undertaken prior to final selection, to confirm…’

17) ‘the court sees necessary to be undertaken’
change ‘sees’ to ‘deems’ and remove ‘to be undertaken’. It makes a stronger sentence.

18) ‘this case at that later date, whenever it should be’
remove ‘at that later date, whenever it should be’. You’ve already said this by saying ‘At a time’.

19) ‘the current rules and restrictions that are in place at this date’
just say ‘the rules and restrictions that are currently in place’ (‘current’ and ‘at this date’ are essentially the same thing)

20) ‘except for the exception’
‘except’ and ‘exception’ are really similar. Where you have repetition like this, the best thing to do is dip into the thesaurus. My suggestion is saying something like; ‘barring the test case I have just granted’, but with the use of the thesaurus you can come up with any number of alternatives.

21) ‘I accepted’
change ‘accepted’ to ‘accept’ as it is in the present tense for the second half of the sentence.

22) ‘to want to try to extend it, or discover ways to do so.’
There are a lot of ‘to’s in this. Perhaps you could eliminate a few by saying something like;
‘to seek ways to extend this’

23) the opportunity of a process’
just make this ‘a process’.

24) ‘live longer lives’
remove ‘lives’

25) ‘many years to come’
are they cryonically frozen for many years to come, or will the company not be able to prove it for many years to come? Maybe say; “His company may fail to successfully bring cryonically frozen people back to life for many years to come – it may not, in fact, occur within our lifetimes.’

26) ‘into his friends face’
‘friends’ should be ‘friend’s’

27) ‘hands’ ’
should be ‘hands,’

28) ‘So next month I’ll arrive…’
This sounds so disgusting! If this is how you live forever I think I’d rather die!

29) ‘coffin looking’
should be ‘coffin-looking’

30) ‘isn’t it, the chance’
Question-mark after ‘it’ capital ‘t’ for ‘the’

31) ‘so why not’
Question-mark after ‘not’

32) ‘is no fear’
full-stop after ‘fear’

33) ‘forever Max’
full-stop after ‘Max’

34) ‘poked and prod’
‘prod’ should be ‘prodded’

35) ‘of human life – it makes’
should be ‘of human life? It makes’

36) ‘Row or not’
Full-stop after ‘not’

37) ‘burst out, “there you are’
should be ‘burst out. “There you are’

38) ‘Laying back onto the pillow’
should be ‘Lying back on the pillow’

39) ‘no point in having to worry’
you could just say ‘no point in worrying’

40) ‘to get on the other side’
there isn’t really another ‘side’. What about saying; ‘to reclaim in the future’

41) ‘to be last weekend’
should be ‘to be his last weekend’

42) ‘distant cousin or rather’
‘rather’ should be ‘other’

43) ‘he or the other two’
‘he’ should be ‘him’ or ‘himself’

44) ‘any alcohol consumption would be no problem at all’
Wow! That’s amazing. Given that alcohol is essentially a poison I would think it would be one of the main things they would want you to have completely eliminated from your system before freezing you. Too much alcohol running through your system would have to affect the ability of those chemicals they intend to pump into his bloodstream to work, surely. And alcohol is a depressant of the nervous system. Wouldn’t that be an issue?

45) ‘in the way that he did’
‘did’ should be ‘had’

46) ‘Rockwell cut in, “this here’
should be “Rockwell cut in. “This here’

47) ‘ever preformed’
‘preformed’ should be ‘performed’

48) ‘After such blood samples’
There are only three sentences in this paragraph and they all begin with ‘after’. Plus, ‘such’ makes no sense in this sentence, so perhaps you could say ‘Next, blood samples’ or ‘Finally, blood samples’

49) ‘ready Mr Huxley? The head’
should be close quotation marks after ‘Huxley?’

50) ‘in reply, “let’s do’
should be ‘in reply. “Let’s do’

51) ‘hyperventilate tight’
‘tight’ should be ‘right’

52) ‘ “Ten”, he saw’
should be; ‘ “Ten.” He saw’

53) ‘nearly there,” a voice’
should be ‘nearly there.” A voice’

54) ‘Eight’
Full-stop after ‘Eight’

55) ‘goodbye the world’
should be ‘goodbye to the world’

Ch 2

1) ‘would not have been’
remove ‘not’

2) ‘After a minute his eyes began to flutter’
change ‘his eyes’ to ‘Huxley’s eyes’. ‘He’ until now has been the scientist.

3) ‘regained consciousness, where the’
You could tighten this by saying ‘regained consciousness. The’

4) ‘the stimulants’ should’
remove the apostrophe after ‘stimulants’

5) ‘Now,” the man took a seat beside the bed,’
should be ‘Now.” The man took a seat beside the bed.’

6) ‘for many years’, your’
remove the apostrophe after ‘years’

7) I really liked this passage. Especially the repetition of ‘Huxley blinked. He…’
Very clever.

8) ‘what it was that he wanted’
could just be ‘what he wanted’

9) ‘as he followed this mysterious woman and Alex into the room’
I thought he had suddenly got out of bed and was following them somewhere. Maybe you could say; ‘as his eyes tracked this mysterious woman…’

10) ‘leave you two’
full-stop after ‘two’

11) ‘passed by silently.’
Should be ‘passed by silently?’

12) ‘cautiously, “what about’
should be ‘cautiously. “What about’

13) ‘no obviously’
‘no’ should be ‘so’

14) ‘stopping them travel’
‘travel’ should be ‘travelling’

15) ‘in anyway’
should be ‘in any way’

16) ‘to see her was’
‘was’ should be ‘were’

17) ‘What ore you’
‘ore’ should be ‘are’

18) ‘Huxley apologised’
Full-stop after ‘apologised’

19) ‘It wasn’t another’
‘wasn’t’ should be ‘was’

20) ‘later until’
change to ‘before’

21) ‘was now worth’
This is a discussion of something that occurred in the past. It might be better to say ‘was suddenly worth’ as it isn’t happening ‘now’.

22) ‘spoke back, “but’
should be ‘spoke back. “But

23) ‘these newbies’ saw’
remove apostrophe after ‘newbies’

24) ‘was not satisfied’
comma after ‘satisfied’

25) ‘except for that’
remove ‘for’

26) ‘where their brain would be copied of the information it had at that time’
this sounds a little awkward. Perhaps it could be tightened by turning the words around. Maybe try; ‘where a copy could be made of their brain’s information at that time’

27) ‘around 20 billion’
full-stop after ‘billion’

28) ‘yet odours which result in disgust do not register any longer.’
This must be a very smelly world then, because no-one would notice bad aromas and make any effort to deal with their source.

29) ‘near perfection’
hyphen

30) ‘look anyway’
should be ‘look any way’

31) ‘Loud One said, “go’
should be ‘Loud One said. “Go’

32) ‘that door would you’
should be ‘that door would you?’

33) ‘Julia said, “are’
should be ‘Julia said. “Are’

34) ‘no clothing on, “hello’
should be ‘no clothing on. “Hello’

35) ‘and placed them on’
‘them’ should be ‘it’

36) ‘most the population’
should be ‘most of the population’

37) ‘unknown as to what’
‘unknown’ should be ‘unknowing’

38) ‘men dong’
‘dong’ should be ‘doing’

39) ‘She thought.’
Small ‘s’ for ‘she’

Ch 3

1) ‘purpose built’
hyphen

2) ‘bedside stand. Placing his left’
comma after ‘stand’

‘to keep him still, Huxley’
full-stop after ‘still’

This way there’s no confusion over who is the subject and who is the object of each sentence. Currently the sentence beginning, ‘Placing his left’ sounds as though Huxley must place his left hand over his mouth as the second phrase begins with ‘Huxley’.

3) ‘At first he struggled’
‘struggled’ occurs twice in this sentence. You might like to change one.

4) ‘he was doing, “mate’
should be ‘he was doing. “Mate’

5) ‘questions ne’
‘ne’ should be ‘he’

6) ‘freedom, “what the’
should be ‘freedom. “What the’

7) ‘few months, you were’
should be ‘few months. You were’

8) ‘the company, I found out’
full-stop after ‘company’

9) ‘you went under’
full-stop after ‘under’

10) ‘wrote the article’
full-stop after ‘article’

11) ‘point and pull alright.’
Should be ‘point and pull. Alright?’

12) ‘some shoes, shit!’
full-stop after ‘shoes’

13) ‘they’ll be destroyed’
what are ‘they’? His feet? Maybe you should say ‘watch you feet’ in the sentence prior to this.

14) ‘friends access capabilities’
‘friends’ should be ‘friend’s’

15) ‘gun fixated’
‘fixated’ means obsessed. Did you mean ‘fixed’?

16) ‘where am I, she thought’
should be ‘Where am I? she thought’

17) ‘single bulbed’
hyphen

18) ‘remarkably different.’
‘different’ should be ‘difficult’

19) ‘side step’
should be ‘sidestep’

20) ‘beside her upon contact grabbed’
there’s something just not right here. Maybe it should be two sentences. ‘…beside her. Upon contact he grabbed…’ ?

21) ‘all at one’
‘one’ should be ‘once’

22) ‘called out, “it isn’t’
‘called out. “It isn’t’

23) ‘to speak now, not his?’
should be ‘to speak now. Not his.’

24) ‘at Max, “a canvas’
should be ‘at Max. “A canvas’

25) ‘yourself I love it’
full-stop after ‘yourself’

26) ‘to the floor’
He’s outside. It should be ‘to the ground’

27) ‘ “please”. ’
should be ‘ “Please.” ’

28) ‘What. No.’
should be ‘What? No.’

29) ‘smiling, “shoot’
should be ‘smiling. “Shoot’

30) ‘ “No.” Huxley shouted’
should be ‘ “No,” Huxley shouted’

31) ‘calmly, “bring her’
should be ‘calmly. “Bring her’

32) ‘but and was’
remove either ‘but’ or ‘and’

33) ‘outsider, however’
full-stop after ‘outsider’

34) ‘looked confused, “why are’
should be ‘looked confused. “Why are’

35) ‘He asked’
small ‘h’ for ‘he’

36) ‘listening, it isn’t’
‘listening? It isn’t’

37) ‘the catch is that’
capital ‘t’ for ‘the’

38) ‘screamed out, “don’t you’
should be ‘screamed out. “Don’t you’

39) ‘like that please’
full-stop after ‘that’

40) ‘gun at her’
full-stop after ‘gun’

41) ‘Alex said, “now finish’
should be ‘Alex said. “Now finish’

42) ‘already Alex, I don’t think’
full-stop after ‘Alex’

43) ‘turned to Elizabeth’
full-stop after ‘Elizabeth’

44) ‘He asked’
small ‘h’ for ‘he’

You have a tendency to repeat yourself within a sentence and to choose lengthy descriptions rather than compact, tight ones. I do the same thing, so it’s something I watch out for when I come to reread my work. Be fussy. Cut out words and phrases where they’re repeated or unnecessary and tighten things up where the language is wordy. Your work is so good, it’s worth the bit of time and effort it takes.

This is a very gripping tale, Alex. My neck is still crawling. This is fast-paced, vivid and dramatic. Well done!

Highly starred. I’ll pop you on my bookshelf. Please let me know when you upload the rest.

Sue

Hi Jane, thanks for your comments!
Firstly in regards to Alex’s opinions on ‘humans’, I was trying to convey not necessarily that this future is populated by non humans, but rather what we would call humans is not what they call humans, in that they themselves no longer see themselves as humans, but as something far above humans.
There will be a lot more discussion on Alex’s disgust or humans in the next part, so I don’t want to say too much. This will probably relate back to what it means to be human, so again, I will just have to have you wait for an explanation on that one.
With Huxley and his shooting I think I just wanted to show someone who is basically going mad, one minute he is here, then there, then he wont do something, then he will etc. I wanted to throw him all over the place without telling anyone too much about how he was doing. With killing Julia, it only happened when Alex told him she was a canvas, so it shows he has started believing Alex in that they are less or worth less than he is, or maybe that they are expendable.
Julia will serve one final purpose or two in the next chapter, so I wont say anything else but that you will have to wait!
Finally, I’m glad you felt cold outside – perfect! The storm and the cold serve an absolute KEY part of the next chapter – it was really important that the reader felt the blizzard so I’m glad you noticed it! Stay tuned.
As for the last line, what is it that strikes you as odd – the whole sentence or the last line? You will definitely be getting more, and the next chapter takes place almost immediately next so don’t worry about that.
All in all there is probably about another 5000 words to write – I doubt it will be more. The last chapter is already written believe it or not – you will understand when you read it. My plan for this was to write it in the standard Shakespearean form: 5 parts. Introduction, problem, climax, resolution to climax, conclusion. Hopefully this will all fit properly when complete.
Thanks again,
Alex.

Something I didn’t understand. Alex refers to ‘you humans’ as if he isn’t a human being. Maybe this is going to be the next bombshell, that the future Earth is peopled by non-humans. Also, if the canvases are so like human beings as to be indistinguishable from them, why are they disgusting? What I mean really is, why would Huxley be led to believe they were disgusting? What makes a real human being anyway? Huxley’s decision to kill Julia, then to try and kill Alex should perhaps go back to his POV so we know what’s going through his mind. It looks arbitrary otherwise. One minute he won’t do it, the next he will.
It’s a shame if Julia’s really dead because she was a good character, but as you describe New as a novella, I guess we’re approaching the end of the story.
As in all stories where the characters end up chewing the fat outside in a blizzard, I start to feel cold. Couldn’t you let them go inside to shoot one another up?
That last line strikes me as odd, the image is somehow not quite right.
Are we going to get any more? I’d like to find out what happens to Huxley.
Jane

Something I didn’t understand. Alex refers to ‘you humans’ as if he isn’t a human being. Maybe this is going to be the next bombshell, that the future Earth is peopled by non-humans. Also, if the canvases are so like human beings as to be indistinguishable from them, why are they disgusting? What I mean really is, why would Huxley be led to believe they were disgusting? What makes a real human being anyway? Huxley’s decision to kill Julia, then to try and kill Alex should perhaps go back to his POV so we know what’s going through his mind. It looks arbitrary otherwise. One minute he won’t do it, the next he will.
It’s a shame if Julia’s really dead because she was a good character, but as you describe New as a novella, I guess we’re approaching the end of the story.
As in all stories where the characters end up chewing the fat outside in a blizzard, I start to feel cold. Couldn’t you let them go inside to shoot one another up?
That last line strikes me as odd, the image is somehow not quite right.
Are we going to get any more? I’d like to find out what happens to Huxley.
Jane

Very intriguing. The story gets better and better. It is a real sci fi nightmare. I must admit you have me fooled. Was Julia human or not. Morally how much does it matter? Look forward to reading more.

Wow! an unexpected turn of events! Did not expect it to (come back) to the time at the begging.
josphine

I've just finished your third chapter and I think it is cracking good! I felt there was a bit too much information in chapter two, although Julia's bits were excellent with strong hints that all is not well in the future. Chapter 3 introduces the idea that it might all be in their minds - great, I like it. It has a paranoid feeling about it and is getting really exciting. Put some more up please. Keeping it on my watchlist.

Alex, this is my take on your third chapter. I liked it. You build up a nice sense of tension and keep the pace steady, you portay Julia’s fears very well, and Huxley’s suspicions come out just at the right time. The chapter length is just about right, with a real cliff-hanger to end on.

Just one niggling thought though, couldn’t Max have just said he sneaked in through a window, or when the man on the desk was having a pee, something like that?
The opening description of the island was, I thought, a bit flat and clinical. It might work better and add to the suspense if you highlighted the dramatic natural effects.

The bottom line for me is that it works. After building up a convincing future, you have me wondering seriously if it isn’t all a hoax. Just get your judge gagged and you’re away!
Well done.
Jane

An interesting and well written start full of good ideas and with only a couple of typos as far as I could see. It is however unfortunate that you have only uploaded two chapters and that your pitch also fails to give much hint as to where this story is heading. Is it a story about adjustment to a new society? Is it a thriller where some kind of cover up is exposed? The lack of knowing what type of tale you are going to weave takes away a little from what is undoubtedly a strong start.
Your New World also appears to be well thought out although I am a little unconvinced that people would just cast aside their natural bodies even if they didn't need them and nor could I envisage these spares being exploited in the way you suggest. The belief that everyone can have anything is also at odds with the fact that resources are finite and that certain items, such as a piece of art, are unique, and will therefore always be desirable, the Mona Lisa for example will always have a value.
Overall though a very solid start, well done.
James

Once again, this is beautiful! What a world.I can already see this as a box office movie and me in the theater imagining when this will happen. Absolutely amazin and great!
Without a doubt there is potential in this book beyond understnading!
Excellently written.I Wish I could read more.
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Wow, this is an amazing story!
It is beautifillu writ and I agree this is unique. Max decides to undergo the experiment without fear.He had nothing to lose! just about to turn to chapter two am almost regretting it's only the few chapters.
Second last sentence in chapter one, Huxley said goodbye*to* the world ......
Great work.
Highky rated to be shelved soon!
Josphine
Notime goes bye

good read....
j

I absolutely love this book. I'm actually kind of sad that I finished all of it already. You've done an amazing job bringing me into the story and I feel like I was right there with them. I can't wait until you get some more posted! I will be starring this quite high and I will try and find some space for you on my bookshelf.

Alex,

Your Brave New World (nice touch calling your character Huxely) is a truly awful place. I like the contrast between the reactions of the two surviving guinea pigs. Julia who sees the warts and daren’t go out to face her new environment, and Huxely who just seems thrilled to bits to have survived. The scene where the canvas is ‘used’ is chilling, but so terribly inevitable. In the words of the Iron Lady, ‘Some things never change.’
You have a good, natural way with dialogue and the story is full of possibilities. The only quibble I had was over the utopian aspect. How do you eradicate poverty, and the economic reasons behind poverty simply by making people live forever. This will no doubt be explained, and I suspect there won’t be many Somalians or Bangaladeshis left to benefit from eternal life on earth. As, I suspect there won’t be many former inhabitants of American trailer parks, Neapolitan slums, or anywhere in Bulgaria.

Your style is generally good and pacy, but in some places, especially in the opening section, it could do to be tightened up a little, if only because the introduction is where you have to hook the reader (or publisher) and it has to be as near perfect as possible. These are the notes I made as I read.

First phrase, you don’t need both ‘suddenly’ and ‘instantly’, one or the other. First sentences are so important it’s worth spending a long time getting them just right. Rather weak with the bit dangling on the end. Also, I’d condense the second phrase beginning ‘The media…’ It’s obvious they’re filming for the people watching on TV, don’t need to state it. Likewise:
‘As he sat down he let out a deep sigh and looked down at the notes in front of him that he began to read from.’
If he looked down at his notes they were quite obviously just in front of him, and what else would he do with them but read them? Get your sentences tighter, pare out what is superfluous. I get this comment all the time, but usually for using too many adjectives.

‘Please be seated,’ the judge remarked as he store out into the crowded room…’
Two things here: it’s not really a remark, and I’m not sure store is a real word. How about:
‘Please be seated.’ The judged stared around the crowded room where all eyes were fixed on his.’ Something like that. It isn’t always necessary to tag bits of dialogue, gets it flowing better sometimes if you don’t.

Your idea of using a courtroom scene to set out the ethical dilemma of the project is a neat one. It allows you to get over all the technical aspects in a perfectly legitimate way while inserting it into the action. As long as you get your explanation as succinct as possible and don’t allow the judge to ramble (as they are wont to do) this idea works fine.

How about having a chapter break after the judge’s decision?

I love the way Huxely describes Rockwell as a car salesman.
Good, natural dialogue.

Chapter 2
‘The only noise (at that current point in time)’ not really necessary.
‘The man unlocked the door…from occurring.’ Clunky phrase. Who would be shocked and nervous? Huxely or the crowd? It’s ambiguous the way it’s phrased.

‘She was also much different to the other women who Huxely had met before, much different.’ Sounds odd to me, I think it should be:
‘She was also very different to the other women Huxely had met before, very different.’

I like the character of Julia, she seems to have quite a healthy distrust of what’s going on around her, and a fear of discovering what the world outside is like. She might have been a willing guinea pig but it sounds as though she’s having second thoughts.


These comments are made using the store of wisdom I’ve picked up from four months on this site and having had mainly my opening sections unpicked several times over. Don’t rely on my opinion though to do anything you’re not happy with, maybe put your opening section on Jack Cerro’s forum: If I were an agent I’d stop reading…now, or Spillota’s In the beginning for your opening sentence. I used them both and got a lot of good advice.
I think you have a great story here, well-written and dramatic. It needs a bit of pruning, but then every story does to begin with. Good luck with it, and high stars for a good piece of writing.
Jane

Hi Alex. I glanced at your first chapter to get the general idea, then read the second chapter. You have created an interestingly hideous brave new world. The chapter is full of ideas and flows well. I think you need to go through and read each bit aloud to yourself and check for typos and repetitions. An example is suddenly and instantly in one sentence at the beginning of the first chapter and pretty and beautiful when he meets the girl. I think mistakes creep in when one rewrites. Like the idea of a 'canvas'. Well, not exactly like, it's horrific.
On my watchlist. Hope it goes well!

Hello Alex , yes I like the comment about blue shoes and a brown suit , what is so bad about the reverse anyway?You have chosen an interesting futuristic subject , which I am sure will find an audience , because it is dealing with a clear-cut unknown the ramifications of which must have occurred to many people . So i think - as a novelist - you are in business. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , watchlisted and starred , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.