The Sons of God: Book 1

Really good fast moving story. I love Finn, and her encounters with the supernatural are building up nicely. Basically I think it's great.
Suggestions, hope you don't mind these, it's only my thoughts obviously so feel free to ignore. In Ch.1 I loved the first part but just felt there were a couple of places where it seemed to be a bit of an information dump. I wondered if we needed to know about Ana's parents at this stage. Also the background of Finn's neighbours is interesting but maybe a bit too long?
Ch. 2 pacing and action is great. I got slightly confused because the man she met at the bar had dark hair and then Oliver has fair hair. I wasn't sure why she encountered two of them. Also last para. I wasn't sure who the he she is imagining is as she's just been talking about Will.
The writing is lovely I think and it's building up to an exciting adventure.
5 stars and staying on my watchlist.

I've read chapter 1 so far. Really good start to this book, giving us a real sense of her way of life. I like the MC very much. There is also humour here and the narrative bowls along at a good pace. Mr D is instantly interesting and I guess we haven't heard the last of him. I'll read on.

Obersvations.
Mr D doesn't sound 'normal looking' from your description but rather striking.

'as if willing him teaching the lesson specifically to him'? Just a typo I know but thought I would point it out.

Thanks for a promising read. I'll be back.

YARG
Hi Tara
There is a lot to like about these first three chapters. Finn comes across as a regular high school girl all be it one who is often picked on by some teachers, with a strong group of friends around her. At the disco her seeing the dagger in Oliver's sleeve and then becoming drawn into his world as he battles the strange dog-like creatures outside. Oliver obviously recognizes her as being special and indeed the way Finn reacts to many things around her tells us she is an exceptional character on many levels. After the car plunges into the river and she rescues Will with the appearance of Oliver to help out. Oliver returning her mobile is a great hook into him revealing his world to her and the threat of the mazzikim, whoever they may be.
I like the tension you create in scenes and the use of classic narrative to communicate your story. This has all the hallmarks of a great dark YA story that will appeal to those who like the vampire and supernatural genre.
High stars and I have added it to my watch list.
Good luck with it.
D.J
The Ghost Shirt

"As if willing him teaching the lesson specifically to him" <-- this seems to have something missing, I'm not sure entirely what you were trying to say.

Anyways,
I love Mr. D, he seems like such a fantastic character! I love the way you foil Anna and Finn so that one is so outgoing and the other so shy and cautious. I like how there's a twist here, instead of the guy being the lighthearted, don't care player, it's Ana. I'm looking forward to seeing how else that plays out.

Also, I really love the snippet about how different cultures are amazing once we embrace them or at least try them for ourselves. While it seemed a tad out of place, it was a great message to be reminded of.

I think my favorite part of this chapter would have to be your description of the pros and cons of the island. "it's like the whole world on an island" that's just what I was thinking as you were describing it. Excellent.


God bless

Greetings. I just read chapter one, and so far I think this is delightful. I love your characterization of your main characters, and I have a special place in my heart for kids who land themselves in loads of trouble. Your writing is very clean, well put-together. Really the only thing that I would tinker with is I would provide a clue about the narrator's gender sooner, to help lock in an image to work from. It could be as simple as, when someone yells at her them calling her "young lady" or something. But beyond that, I think at least the opening chapter is well polished and entertaining. Best of luck with this!
And do drop by for a peek at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Tara, just dropping in for that read I promised. First off, I thought the last comment you received on your book was crass, verging on the unnecessarily cruel. This is great writing, really made me smile in places, and Finn as a character is NOT your bulk-standard teen fodder, she's trouble, yes, but funny, perceptive and enderaring too. I liked her a lot (perhaps because her diary of naughtiness mirrored my own at school one day, lol!) Okay, I had trouble working out how Mr D had been her teacher for "over ten years" when she only left the circus at 13 and is still an under-20 adolescent, but apart from that - and possibly too long a first chapter (cut it in half?) I found this a very rewarding, and very clean (no typos at all, very rare!) read. Six stars from me, and looking forward to your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
He ain't Heavy, He's my Buddha

YARG 2 review

While the first chapter was entertaining enough to make the average reader want to continue reading, I found nothing new that made ME as a reader want to continue. While reading it, I feel as if I was reading yet another clone of yet another teen fiction, many of which have been popping up everywhere. The pattern is very standard, albeit you execute it better than most other teen fiction writers do. The characters, I find, are very... standard. They're exactly what I would expect to find in a teen fiction novel. Whether or not this is a bad thing is entirely relative to the readers, just as it is to the writer. Also, what is so great about high school that makes every teen fiction writer want to go back to it?

I feel like you're borrowing a lot from Percy Jackson. It could be that I just couldn't get that thought out of my head while reading it, but I felt like I was reading a PJ fan fiction.

Keep refining the plot, and maybe I'll try again later.

Regards, Dan Gilmore.

YARG
Tara,
Here are some edits for The Sons of God: Book 1. Overall I liked Finn and am interested to see where you go with it. Below are my thoughts. Take them or leave them but know they are offered in the spirit of making The Sons of God: Book 1 a better story.
C1
Someone isn't "anaphylactic." They would have a "life threatening allergy." Also, there's no way that a student would have been able to get to an Epipen. They are generally locked up in school, nor does one know how to use them without being trained. (I have several friends with kids who have life-threatening allergies so I've been trained on their use/storage, etc.).
I don't know that melodramatic is a good word to use to describe a face, since it means exacggerated. Perhaps tragic or downtrodden instead?
Did people "seem to shut up" or did they shut up? Reads a little awkwardly....
Mr. D sounds great. Would love to see example of him making something relevant via action rather than having Finn describe it....
"been dabbling in" could just be "dabbled in"
You don't need to "think to yourself." You just think.
some action!" she replied--the S in she doesn't need to be capitalized.
You don't need since in since-dissolved nineties..
Like the "all girls catholic school in Antartica"
Gothic Rock doesn't need to be capitalized
Should be Aunt Jess (capital A)
Rewording to "In contrast to" might make the sentence a bit smoother
Could be...icy sidewalks proved perilous to the careless....
Could simplify to "still warm, with gold and bronze leaves carpeting the dying grass like..."
Would the Hasidim be trilingual as in Yiddish, French and Hebrew or would they know four languages because they'd know Hebrew too? However knowing four languages wouldn't necessarily make someone brilliant, would it?
Perhaps "those who judged" instead of the judges?
Attempted to observe or keep to the rules of Passover vs. attempted Passover
scoffed at--you're missing the second word
Passover section: You might have been invited to the Seder at the beginning of the week. However if you were invited to one of the meals at the end, you wouldn't need leftovers to last the week. It's only a week-long holiday.
Best,
Melissa

The beginning is cute with all the "yelled at's". The main character seems like a person I would like to meet in person, if only to catch some of her sense of humor :) Will definitely read more as soon as I have more time.

YARG II

Backed as promised :)

Read another 3 chapters today and completely hooked. I will need the ending! Hurry up and get published.

Cheers

Al
The Orb Gatherer

Can't get the T-shirt T-rex out of my head. You have a great story developing here and I wish you the best of luck with it

Gil

Very different idea and an interesting way to start it off.
I like how you put what time it is that things were going wrong for your MC. It keeps it interesting in the easy pace.
It seems to develop very well.
Good work with this new and interesting story plot.
I think this needs a new cover though.
Good job!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Hi Tara, just picked this up and couldn't put it down.

A great MC and a really good pace to the story. Looking forward to seeing how the characters and story develops. Will add to Bookshelf when I'm back on a Pc that will let me!

Excellent stuff.

Al

I thought the beginning was very funny - the entries about being in outer space etc. Like the tone and the voice, and it's very readable. Made me smile and piqued my curiosity before the end of page one. :)
Cariad.

I'm really enjoying this. The characterization is strong, your main character likeable and the humor much to my liking. You also transition to the supernatural nicely, with great contrast to the normal world.
Nicely done!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

CHIRG review

The Sons of God - this book has a very engaging tone and a good pace. The story isn't rushed.

Chapter 1
The dialogue between Finn and her peers is believable and youngsters will be able to relate to them.
Like the mysterious Mr D character.
One typo I noticed "I shook my head an (and?) laughed"

Chapter 2
Finn is a very likeable character who doesn't follow the crowd.
I found it a little unclear as to who actually cut Finn's wrist - was it Oliver or another character?
I also thought that Finn was somewhat laid back outside of the nightclub with Oliver who was a stranger to her.

Lots of action in this chapter and lots of questions to be answered. Definitely demands to be read further.

You have a great hook to your book on the book's profile 'Finn Clemenceau has always been told she's a little devil. One night ..."

I enjoyed reading this and have given it stars.

Best of luck
Debbie

The Sons of God

This is an excellent story and quite humorous too.
Its well written with a good flow.
You have built up some great characters, and your dialogue is spot on.
I love this!
highly starred
Junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

First off, your tag-line is fantastic. One of the cleverest I've seen. Your first two sentences are perfect. You immediately engender sympathy for your MC as well as create a nice sense of suspense. Dialogue is snappy and compelling, not to mention believable. I loved the little details you include, like the icy sidewalks being "perilous." I can totally relate to that. Finn's voice is distinct, clearly drawn in a way that makes her seem real.

Very good!

-Krista
Wrong

Hi Tara,
I just finished your uploaded chapters. I wanted to say that I think the story is great! I like the premise, I like the characters, the pace is good and fast. It makes you want to keep turning the pages.

I had a bit of confusion when Alastair and Richard came to Oliver's house - Finn recognizes Richard as the one who brought her food. She asks why he didn't help her escape and he said Richard wouldn't let her leave through the door - did he mean Marcus? I found that segment confusing.

There are a few minor typos, nothing glaring.
All in all, I think oyu have a winner here! i would love to read more!
High Stars!
Mindy

Hi Tara,
I am still reading, but I was a bit confused in CH2 so I wanted to mention it while I was here.
Mr. D told Finn to look after Joel Carmichael. So when they get to the bar, Joel is there his eyes are red, etc... But when they leave, James is driving, Matt Will and Lucy are in the car - what happeneed to Joel? Is Joel James with an accidental name change?

Also, I assume Oliver is not the guy who cut Finn, but that scene is a bit ambiguous.
The story is well written and I am diving back into it now.
Mindy

Tara, here for our read swap. I have only read through chapter one so far, but wanted to go ahead and comment so I don't forget my thoughts. I will be reading further. Finn is a great protagonist, funny and likeable, and the story flows well. I really like the tally of her bad day so far.

There were a couple inconsistencies I noticed. When Ana first mentions a substitute, she says it is in math, but then they have Mr. D. in physics. Is this considered a math course in Canada? And is it common to take both biology and chemistry (and physics) at the same time? When I was in high school (in the US) I took biology one year, chemistry the next, then physics as a senior.

When Ana is talking to Matt outside, first she is leaning against a tree, but Matt is resting his hand on Finn's car, then the girls walk home. A bit confusing.

I like the description of the Jewish neighbors, but I have to wonder how well it fits in here in the first chapter. It seems to slow down the action a little. Does Rebecca come into the plot later as a minor character? If so that might be a better place to give the story about Finn participating in Passover.

Watch out for clichés. In the description of Ana, she gathers friends 'like moths to a flame'. I'm not sure if there were others. You are a talented writer who doesn't need to resort to tired old clichés.

Those are my only comments for now. Hopefully I haven't been too nitpicky. I am quite enjoying the read so far and will leave more comments as I continue reading.

Kate

I admire authors who uses humour in their narrative. The Sons of God is fun and entertaining and has educational aspects. A well-balanced story

Here's for our read swap:
I really, really like this. The pitch is intriguing, and I love the humour in both the pitch and in the story. Finn is a great protagonist, and her ability to cause chaos creates some hilarious situations. You're really good at building tension and keeping the reader turning the pages- I ended up racing through the first five chapters, and I'll be reading the rest shortly. You create a believable teenage voice which never diverts into monologuing, and the description and dialogue are well-balanced. This is an engaging read and deserves more support- I'll be making space on my bookshelf for this!
Emma

Hi Tara,

I love this. Your writing flows beautifully, with a lovely blend of storytelling and humour. The first person narrative is perfect and you have a lovely balance of dialogue and narrative. The moment I started reading I was completely hooked.

I’ve made a few chapter by chapter comments. Feel free to toss them if you don’t agree with them.

Ch 1

1) ‘I was glad Sally was going to be okay’
I’m not sure where this came from. Is she still meaning Ms Jenkins? Why does she sit next to her?

2) ‘been learned all of the sciences, fluent in all of the languages I’d insisted on learning, and seemed to know from memory from almost’
I can’t follow this sentence, I’m afraid. Should it be something like ; ‘knew all of the sciences, was fluent in all of the languages I’d insisted on learning, and seemed to know from memory almost’?

3) ‘as if willing him teaching the lesson’
Not sure about this one, either. Do you mean ‘as if he was teaching the lesson’ or maybe ‘as if willing Joel to realise he was teaching the lesson’?

4) ‘no matter how strange the way he wished it seemed’
Again, this is quite hard to follow. Maybe say something like, ‘no matter how strangely he went about it’

5) ‘against the frame of my car’
But later on she and Ana ‘walk’ away from school, toward home. Why did they leave the car behind?

6) ‘head an laughed’
‘an’ should be ‘and’

7) ‘had thought me both mad’
should be ‘had both thought me mad’

8) ‘Jess and Kat both worked’
I know who Kat is, but who’s Jess? Reading on, it sounds as though she’s Finn’s mother or guardian. Perhaps that needs to be stated here, as I don’t think we’ve been told that before. In fact, I don’t think Jess has ever been mentioned. If she has, I’ve forgotten by now.

Now I’m really lost. Jess seems to live at Ana’s house. So who is she? Ana’s sister?

Ch 2

1) We go from the freeway to Mo’s without seeming to get there. This was a bit of a mental jump.
Even just turning off the freeway would probably be enough.

2) ‘I wanted at least be’
should be ‘I wanted to at least be’ or ‘I wanted, at least, to be’

3) ‘advantage all the time’
full-stop after ‘time’

4) ‘ducking under sweeping under’
I think you forgot to remove one of these

5) ‘garnering an somewhat’
‘an’ should be ‘a’

6) ‘of his mouth quivering’
‘quivering’ should be ‘quivered’

7) ‘in his across his pale face’
remove either ‘in his’ or ‘across’

8) ‘tourist be at’
should be ‘tourist to be at’

9) ‘carved into hilt’
should be ‘carved into the hilt’

10) ‘and in the pain’
‘in’ should be ‘from’

11) ‘and pull it out’
should be ‘and pulled it out’

12) ‘situation where you’
should be ‘situations where you’

13) I’m a bit confused. Is the guy who cut her wrist the same guy who patched her up? If he is, why isn’t she more angry – and wary. After all, the guy has a knife and he just used it on her. If it isn’t, then it would be helpful if you specify exactly which guy it is. I can’t work it out.

14) ‘it was spilling all over himself’
should be ‘it was spilling all over him’ or ‘he was spilling it all over himself’

15) ‘the only thing she could’
‘she’ should be ‘I’

16) ‘approached to bridge’
‘to’ should be ‘the’

17) ‘downstream of it’
remove ‘of it’. It isn't necessary.

18) ‘where I saw him leaning’
This is a bit confusing. The previous sentence is about Will, so I assumed that was who ‘him’ referred to. Maybe say ‘the man’ or ‘Oliver’

19) ‘streaks of puddles’
this seems a contradiction in terms. It would either be a streak or a puddle.

Great writing. Everything flows really well, and you have a knack for making the story come to life. Finn is a really quirky protagonist. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Highly starred.

Sue

Even through the fight scenes and the terrible discoveries, I found myself wondering... How is Finn so hilariously cute?! My favorite line has to be "gross!"-- something I've been waiting for an MC to say for a long time.
Some issues with - how is Sally Jenkins sitting next to Finn if she's in hospital?
Withou giving too much away- I'm not sure bout the scene in CentralPark. It's very horrifying- perhaps too much so?
Well done!

I've read a few more chapters of The Sons of God, and i have to say, i like it more and more as it goes. Oh boy- Finn is one of the funniest characters I've met on this site (though I'm not sure she means to be). She's totally chaotic, yet often the sanest person in the room! I like the first-person dialogue, and I like how she's always getting herself into trouble. There still seem to be a lot of mystery wrapped up around the nephilim, but I've enjoye what I've read so far.

This is hilarious. I love the twists (Will being gay, Finn's unexpected reactions) that make it surprisingly different from a typical YA. When will it be done?

Hi teaspoontara,

This immediately reminded me of Cassidy Brown and The Worst Two Weeks Ever too, just like it did Oriax. It's like Cassidy Brown has grown up a few years! And that's no bad thing, because it's a great book.

Some of your lines are very funny. I loved "You look oppressed." Just the sort of dramatic thing teenage girls say. Also,"probably somewhere in Anarctica."

I enjoyed this very much. Needs a little editing (especially your longer paragraphs could be split?) but that's true of my book and many, many others too.

Good stuff. Highly starred.

Lucy :)

Really liked the style, the catalogue of disasters is genuinely funny (reminded me of Cassidy Brown and the Worst two weeks ever – look at it if you get the time, you’ll like it) and Finn is an immediately endearing charcater.

I loved Ms Jenkins and the peanut butter. Just slightly confused about Sally. If she’s Ms Jenkins why would she be sitting next to Finn?
The dialogue is great, I especially liked the exchange at the lockers between Finn and Ana after Matt leaves.
Mr D is a suitably enigmatic figure, especially as Finn is the only student who seems to get on well with him.

Your prose is usually spot on, so one thing that jarred for me was the opening of chapter two, about Montreal drivers being notorious for being notorious. I’m not sure that it makes sense.
It also struck me as rather an odd thing for the bartender to call the man who stared at Finn’s tee shirt – ‘you little devil’ – more suited to a small child I’d have thought, though I’m no expert on Montreal expressions.

The only part of the story I have read so far where I felt the narrative could possibly do with a little clarification is the scene at the bar of Mo’s. You describe the stranger at the bar ‘slashing through the pale thin blue veins’ which made me think Finn must be bleeding to death, in which case her reaction is pretty mild. In fact it turns out to be only a superficial cut, so perhaps it would be better to play down the gravity of it. Also you don’t make it clear that it isn’t her aggressor who bundles her outside.
Finn seems to take the incident in her stride, and forgives Oliver, who is after all the mate of the one who attacked her, perhaps a bit too easily.

The drowning incident is well-told and the hint of Oliver being a good guy is intriguing. Poor Will, he doesn’t stand a chance.
This is a story I will be happy to carry on reading. Well done, and high stars from me.
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel

very well written, i like finn but her relationship with mr.d makes me feel uneasy. Makes me think of "Don't stand so close to me" by the Police.