Book Jacket

 

rank 1324
word count 80617
date submitted 07.04.2012
date updated 07.11.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Horror
classification: moderate
complete

Devil in the Details

Tamara Hickman

When Riesa finds a journal in her deceased grandfather’s attic, she learns that her memories are false and the demon trapped inside is the key.

 

Atlanta city girl, Riesa Grimshaw, has been estranged from overbearing grandfather for seven years. Now, after the death of her grandfather leaves her the only surviving member of the Grimshaw family, Riesa returns to get her grandfather’s backwater country home ready for sale or rent, only to find clues that the past she remembers isn’t real. Matters are further complicated when she accidentally releases a demon from a journal that has been hidden in the attic for the past seven years. Things are bad enough with altered memories, an accidental demon familiar, and a family curse riding on Riesa's back, but when cryptic messages and slaughtered animals start showing up in Riesa's path, she knows that this is only the beginning.

Devil in the Details is a modern supernatural fantasy that delves into the world of demons, angels, and family secrets, set in the small town of Salem, Alabama. Fans of Charlaine Harris, Patricia Briggs, and Laurell K. Hamilton may also find a new favorite with this novel.

 
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angel, demon, demonology, fantasy, fiction, hoodoo, magic, mystery, romance, supernatural

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Curse and Consequences

 

 

CHAPTER THREE

Curse and Consequences

 

    The sun spilled through my blinds and rudely woke me up before I was ready. I dove under the covers and hid my head from the offending light. "A bit photosensitive this morning, are we?"

    I yelped and sat up, holding my blanket tight to my chest. "What the hell are you doing in here?!" I screamed at Azaraphel, throwing one of my pillows at his head as hard as I could.

    He laughed and caught the pillow. "Don't be like that, I came with good news!"

    "And how long were you in my room?"

    He looked at the clock over my bed. "Uh, I'd say about thirty minutes? An hour?" He paused and smirked at me. "You know, you are cute when you snore." I threw the other pillow at him, which he dodged by stepping out of the doorway. "Get dressed and come to the library when you are ready. I'll be waiting," he called out, his annoying laughter following him down the hallway. I grumbled and crawled out of my bed, which was still missing the finials by the way, and made my way to the attached bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and didn't entirely like what I saw.

    My brown eyes were puffy and red, which was no real surprise, but I also looked like I was in shock. Again, that was no real surprise, but I didn't like that it shown so clearly on my face. I was stuck in disbelief. I had bought into the idea that I released a demon, given it a piece of my soul, and had lost my memories from my teenage years. It was a lot to reconcile with myself over just one night of bad sleep.

    I decided to take things one step at a time. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, and then untangled the rat’s nest that had formed in my hair. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a grey silk camisole. Because I was feeling rather pitiful with myself, I also did my makeup, and put on a pair of large orange hoop earrings with matching bracelets. When you don't feel good, look good. It helps.

    Once I was dressed for bear, or demon, or whatever the saying was, I went down stairs, taking the demon journal with me. I opened the large French doors leading into the library and found myself even more annoyed than I had been that morning. I don't know if it was Azaraphel's presence or the fact that he was sitting at my grandfather's desk, in my grandfather's chair, going through my grandfather's books. I had been planning on doing just that, and I didn't really feel comfortable with a so-called demon doing it before I did. "What are you doing?" I asked, irritated.

    "Come see. I want to show you this." He said pointing down to a page in front of him.

    I stood my ground and crossed my arms. "No. I want you to tell me right now, what you think gives you the right to just waltz in here and go through my grandfather’s personal things."

    He looked at me with a deer in the headlights look. "I'm sorry, but you did say I could look around. I just wanted to find some proof to show you that I'm not lying to you. It would make both of our existences easier."

    I huffed. "Says you." I pulled out the slip of paper that said the words I'm sorry, and put it in front of him. "Did you write this?"

    He looked at it, and shook his head. "No. Your grandfather must have." He directed me to the journal page once more, comparing it to the slip of paper in  my hand. "See for yourself. Looks like your grandfather’s handwriting."

    Reluctantly, I walked over and looked over his shoulder. It was oddly familiar. It felt like I had done the same thing a million times, but I knew that couldn't be the case. My grandfather had told me to never come in here. But that was the grandfather from my memories, not the one from the journals. Perhaps I had stood here, just like this, with my grandfather in a memory that I couldn't remember.

    "Riesa, are you okay?" Azaraphel asked. He was looking up at me with a very concerned look. I shook my head because I was having a bit of trouble focusing. 

    "I'm okay, Red," I replied. "Just, déjà vu."

    He cocked his head to the side. "Did you just call me 'Red'?"

    I shrugged. "Yeah, sorry. It was my mental nickname for you before I learned you were a spawn of Satan."

    He pushed back in his chair. "Woah, now. First, I hate that nickname. How would you like it if I called you 'Blondie'? Second, I am not a spawn of Satan. I'm a Demon. I am my own being, baby."

    I stood there for a moment, shocked. "I hurt your feelings." It was odd how we had gone from me being the mad one, and him being the defensive one, to vice versa.

    "Hell, yeah, you hurt my feelings," he replied. He turned to me and made a measurement of about an inch with his fingers. " I am about this close to being a Free Agent. You know what, never mind. Look at this," he redirected me back to the page, letting his ire die.

    I took a moment to wonder what a free agent was. It sounded pretty self explanatory, but something about the way he said it gave me pause. I filed it away as something to ask later and followed his fingers, reading the entry that he had been pointing to. It was apparent that it was an entry from one of my grandfather's journals. The hand writing was just like the one on the note. The page itself was also similar to some of the writings in my last journal. There was a picture of a circle, comprised of eight other more elaborate circles on the outer edges. There were words in Latin scattered around the page, as well as notes from my grandfather. "What is this?" I asked, pointing at one of the notes.

    "This, Riesa, is a spell to remove your family curse." Azaraphel answered. "It looks unfinished, though."

    "What family curse?" I asked. Azaraphel flipped through the pages of the book to an earlier date from that year. He paused on the page when he had found what he was looking for.

    "Read here," he said pointing to a particular paragraph.

    I leaned forward, closer to the book, and a little too close to the demon. He oddly smelled like sandalwood. I guess he noticed how close we were as well, because he leaned away and pushed the book towards me. I read out loud. "'September 16. Sins of my past have come back to haunt me. The death of my wife was terrible enough, but now my son and his wife are dead as well. I am both overcome with remorse and relief at the same time. I did not wish death on my son, but neither would I have wished the guilt that I feel on him either. I need to resolve this curse, remove it in some way before it takes the life of my beloved granddaughter as well. My son was right to keep her from me, but this curse will not pass her by. I've resolved to teach her what I know of charms and spells, as well as spirituality, but I fear that it will not be enough to keep her safe from the evil forces out there'... what the hell is this?" I asked, looking up to Azaraphel.

    "Apparently, your grandfather was no saint in his younger years. He doesn't come out right and spill the details of the curse anywhere, but he does mention it several times that I've seen so far. From what I can glean, your direct family tends to die earlier than most, caused by a generational curse placed on your family. Quite a while back, actually. I haven't seen anything about where the curse came from, or who was responsible, but there was mention of a demonic bond. I guess that explains why you summoned me seven years ago."

    "What do you mean?" I asked, standing up straight.

    "I mean that you might have thought that I was the demon behind your curse. Which I wasn't, by the way," He added pointedly, turning back to the original spell page. "See this seal here? It's for sealing away evil." He looked up at me. "But the spell on this page has been modified, for some reason. It doesn't just seal away evil."

    I gave him the eye. "Enlighten me."

    "This seal takes away the happiness of the one who invokes it, written as it is. It’s missing some pieces. Intentionally or not, you tried to seal away the family curse by sacrificing your joy for the eight years prior to this spell." He looked me in the eye and sighed. "Riesa, you don't remember being happy after the age of ten because you gave up those memories. Unfortunately, you sealed the wrong demon."

    I huffed and walked around the desk, plopping down into one of the oversized chairs situated across the library. "So, that is the explanation behind all my déjà vu moments. And all the letters, journals, and pictures of things I don't remember." I let that sink in for a moment, covering my eyes up with the crook of my arm. "Then where did my other memories come from? The false ones?"

    I heard him turning pages. "Now that, I'm not sure... oh wait, here is something..." He paused for a moment. "Ah, never mind." I heard the book close again. 

     An unsettling thought struck me. I looked up at Azaraphel. "Wait a moment. The seal didn't work. Does that mean that I lost my memories for no reason? My family is still cursed?"

    He gave me a sympathetic look. "Well, yeah." He replied. "Though, technically it's just you. You are the last of your grandfather's line in the Grimshaw family. After you die, there won't be any more curse."

    I didn't like the sound of that. "After I die? And how soon is that going to be?"

    He shrugged. "Now that, I don't know. How old were you when your parents died?"

    "I was ten. They died in a car crash," I replied.

    "And what about your grandmother?"

    I shrugged. "I dunno."

    Azaraphel sat back and thought for a moment. "Well, that leaves it pretty open then."

    I slouched back down into the chair. "So what am I going to do?"

    He stood up, picking up the closed book as he did. He carried it over and put it back on a bookshelf that held numerous volumes of the same general size and color. They must have all been my grandfather's journals. "We will figure it out. It is here somewhere, I'm sure."

    I looked at him. He was still wearing the same clothes that he had been wearing yesterday, though it did look a bit more disheveled. The creases weren't as crisp, and the dress shirt was now wrinkled from where it had once been tucked in. It made me wonder why a demon would suffer unruly clothing. I also wondered if he was really a demon. It still seemed bizarre but not as bizarre as some of the other things that seemed to ring true. And was he truly innocent of being the demon responsible for the curse? I wanted to believe him. I decidedly added him to the list of mysteries that I wanted to solve.

    I had absolute proof that I had a different past than what I remembered. I touched the amulet around my neck again, and thought of the framed picture of my grandfather and me up on my dresser. I wanted those memories back. "Red, do you think it might be possible to get my memories back?"

    He turned around to face me again, holding a new book in his hand. "Really, I hate that nickname. Can't you call me Azaraphel? It isn't that hard to say."

    "It sounds weird. I tried, but it just sounds too weird. Don't you have a normal name that you use when associating with normal people?"

    He sighed deeply at me. "Phil. You can call me Phil. Is that normal enough for you?"

    "Phil," I tested the word. I chewed on it for a bit. I decided that I approved. "I can go with that. Now, what do you think about me getting back my memories?"

    He looked into the volume in his hand and put it back selecting another. "Honestly, I think that now that the seal is broken, your memories should start returning to you slowly. Like the déjà vu episode you had earlier. Expect more." He snapped that book shut and put it back. "What we need here is the name of the demon who cursed your family. Generational curses usually have a particular demon that follows members of that family until the curse is fully enacted."" He paused and thought for a moment. "You wouldn't happen to know any demons, would you?"

    I laughed depreciatively. "You mean besides you? No."

    Phil opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.

    "Who could... Greg!" I exclaimed, jumping out of my seat. "I forgot he was coming today!"

    Phil watched me hurry to the door. "Who is Greg?" he asked.

    "He's my boyfriend," I shot back quickly. "Stay here, I'll be right back."

 

 

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Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 393 days ago

A very well written, edited and polished book.
There's a lot of it, so I haven't read it all yet and I'm going to be away for a while. I thought I'd make my initial comments as I've had this book for a while.
This is not my kind of read anymore, due to having had my fill when I was younger.
That said, this is perfect for that young adult audience. There is a huge market waiting for this and it's one of the best fantasy/devil/demon books that I've read on this site.
You've put a lot of thought and hard work into this book, I wish you all the best of luck.
Pollyanna.

TaniaJohansson wrote 406 days ago

Devil in the Details
Tamara Hickman

I loved this book. The story draws you in immediately and keeps you reading. Your writing is clear and flows very smoothly. No real grammar/spelilng mistakes that I spotted. Your characterisation is strong and you quickly feel empathy for your main protagonist.
You set the scene extremely well. You give details about the surroundings through story telling as opposed to having a paragraph dedicated to explaining what the room looks like.
I loved this and I am sure you will do extremely well with it.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Neville wrote 407 days ago

Devil in the Details.
By Tamara Hickman.


Riesa Grimshaw certainly got a shock as she as she arrived at the house her Grandad had left to her in his will.
It had always been well looked after while he was alive—a house to be proud of.
You describe well her feelings as she surveys what used to be her home as well as her Grandfather’s.
The out-of-bounds library...the secrecy of her Grandpa’s ways and his need for personal space where Riesla was concerned. That’s how I see him anyway, suddenly having to cope with a teenager around.
I like the way you take the reader around the house as Riesla removes the furniture covers and progresses up into the attic.
I was there as she delves into the chests and recovers items that she has no recollection of and yet can’t deny.
Photographs that are definitely her years ago, fail to register in her memory.
Then we have the diaries—her handwriting that’s for sure.
This is a story with a lot of mystery and suspense that’s only just starting with the first chapter.
It has an immense hook to it even at this early stage and that’s what counts if the book is to leave the bookshop shelves...I’m sure it will.
Many stars!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 408 days ago

Tamara,
I found "Devil in the Details" an introspective book, long on narrative and short on dialogue, which goes well with the mood surrounding the story. Riesa, using the first person, takes us through a labyrinth of events unraveling the secrets of her grandfather's attic, in a way both engaging and intriguing. She is a sympathetic character one can only root for. Your conversational style is easy to digest and a delight to read. Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Su Dan wrote 186 days ago

l like your honest narrative style- first person; it works very well indeed...
...backed...
read SEASONS...

Jim Darcy wrote 195 days ago

Not my normal kind of read but the pitch intrigued me and the tale was well-written enough to engage me as a reader.

jemmamcalinden wrote 197 days ago

This book was great I could not stop reading!
I hope to see another installment ASAP
Jemma

Tod Schneider wrote 310 days ago

I really like the set up, and the writing overall. Your main character is an interesting, sympathetic character who I'm already rooting for. Your attention to detail make the locale come alive. You do a great job of planting curious information that we have to read on to find explanations for. Good stuff!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/

Lena M. Pate wrote 337 days ago

Great story and really good lead up to the end of the first chapter. I have only read the first chapter but it has great potential for a first rate mystery and fantasy. Just a couple of suggestions. A few things bothered me but they were cosmetic at best. Like why if she is going to the house knowing her grandfather died on some mountain far away and not not bring groceries with her? Why is she dressed up in expensive heels when she was driving to the backwoods all alone? Also her moods don't seem to vary. She could have had a good cry or laughed after being startled by the cat from nervousness. Event though you mention she was angry at the boyfriend it doesn't come across. You described the outside of the house in detail but once inside we get very little feel of what she is seeing. Something like "As she removed an old blue sheet off of the hard backed sofa, memories of the yellow and green flowers with the multiple buttons and the intricate carved wooden back reminded me of the days when I sat here stiffly waiting for grandfather to finish in his library so that we could go for our weekly trip into town." Something to place her there and remembering life a bit since she hasn't been home for seven years. Also, there are several repetitive words within such as variations of the work pick are repeated in several places. Just suggestions. I'm by no means an expert. Many well deserved stars.

scoz512 wrote 365 days ago

Very vivid and detailed desriptions you give. I also enjoy Reisa's voice, casual and easily read. Nice intriguing plot, love the ending of chapter one, kept me reading on. I will have to come back for more later, just wanted to comment at this point. Will put it on my watchlist.

Sara
War of the Wastelands

kshaw wrote 367 days ago

Hi Tamara,
Wow, I like your concept and this is exactly the book that I love to read. I'm happy I put this on my bookshelf. I think your style is funny and engaging.
Here are my notes:
1. I get where you are coming from with the first two paras, but if you want to send this to an agent (which I think you should when you are ready :) ) you have to cut them. It opens with a cliche and you give us all the information in the second para.
That being said, I love the third para! "It was only fitting that it would be raining when I returned to Salem." That is a beautiful opening. Of course, you don't have to do that. I'm a copywriter so I can't help but notice beginnings of stories :)
2. There are a few cliches in here, especially when you describe Greg. Luxurious brown hair, baby blue eyes, etc.
3. There are also times when you use feel instead of describing the sensation. What I do to remedy that is go into the word document search for the word "feel" and highlight it. That way I can find them quickly and easily.
4. Great dialogue! I usually look for mistakes with dialogue tags and you don't have any, so great job.
5. I love the reference to black magic woman, that's one of my favorite songs and it created the exact mood you were trying to convey to the reader.
6. The hook at the end is wonderful! I will definitely be back to read more!

Frith,
Kayla Shaw
PS Thank you so much for your kind comments on Philosophia. That meant a lot to me and you captivated my book exactly in your comment.

Sue50 wrote 369 days ago

Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I think you've got a hit here! Happy to place your work on my shelf. Good Luck!
Sue50

Oriax wrote 378 days ago

This is a story that will appeal to the vampire, Twilight fans, with its sparky heroine, the pacy dialogue, the setting of the dusty colonial house. You write well and fluently without any obvious glitches, though I did think you switch tense quite a lot in the opening chapter.
These are the few notes I took:
I don’t think a house can be downtrodden, that’s for people. Houses are run down.
Riesa yelps for very spurious reasons, a bird flying out of its nest, a cat on the porch. In chapter three she yelps again.
You use the word curmudgeon twice to describe the grandfather.

A criticism I would make is that the tone doesn’t change much with the circumstances you’re describing. Riesa uses the same rather irritated tone of voice to her boyfriend on the phone as she does to the demon. Irritated, weary and tongue in cheek. She seems to use the same criteria to judge the demon as she does her boyfriend – how much she fancies him. She also takes it incredibly calmly that she has a demon in her home, going to bed and leaving him to get on with it.
The pillow-throwing scene the next morning is a bit of a cliché, again as if she is just starting a new relationship with a new boyfriend.
Devil in the Details struck me as the kind of book that would appeal to a YA readership, though I maybe haven’t read far enough to get to the hot sex and violence scenes. Good luck with this, it’s the kind of book I can see being very popular.
Jane

Lady Midnight wrote 382 days ago

Hi, Tamara, read the first chapter of Devil in the details and thoroughly enjoyed it. It’s intriguing, well characterized and for the most part, flows well. I’ve outlined some suggestions, which I hope prove useful. If you get a chance would you have a look at the first chapter of Land of Midnight Days? I’d really appreciate any insights you have to offer. http://www.authonomy.com/books/40804/land-of-midnight-days/
The pitch is fine, apart from missing “her” from this sentence: Atlanta city girl, Riesa Grimshaw, has been estranged from {her} overbearing grandfather…
Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. At other times, the lemon juice just gets into old wounds and stings like hell. **Great opening line**
He probably [had] wanted to keep everything in the family…**The bracketed word mars the flow of the sentence. Suggest deleting it and just have: He probably wanted…
[It was a four bedroom and two bath home] ** This doesn’t flow well, suggest: It contained four bedrooms and two bathrooms….
. **The paragraph beginning: I finally pulled into the drive and ending with: …he hadn’t been doing it here, is filled with great description, it paints an immediate picture. **
I was certain that I was going to get even dirtier before the day was [up] **Suggest replacing this with “over”**
and startled a bird that had been nesting under the eaves of the [ porch], confirming my suspicions that the [porch] **To avoid the repetition of “porch” so close together, suggest replacing the 2nd with “it”: …confirming my suspicions [it] had become…**
"Hey, baby! Did you make it to Salem alright?" I grinned. It was nice to hear my boyfriend's voice. Greg had one of those great voices that sounded like a deep purr every time he talked. I think he could have read me the phone book…. **Even though we can’t “see” Greg, the description of his voice gives the reader an insight of what he’s like**
I'm a sucker for blue eyes. I think it’s because I have blue eye envy. I was born a dirty blond with muddy brown eyes. I can bleach my hair, but the eyes? I can't really do much about them. **I love the way you describe the MC’s appearance without resorting to clichés, such as looking in a mirror, particularly as this is done from a 1st person pov.**
["You are] at the house already?" **This is a bit formal. In real life, speech is made up of abbreviations, unless something is perhaps being emphasized. Suggest you change this to “You’re”. **
"This house really is a mess, Greg. You should see it." I picked up my bag and dug through my purse, balancing the phone [on my] **Suggest changing to: …balancing the phone “against” my ear…**
I unlocked the door and tried to open it. It stuck a [bit], and a [bit] ** Suggest getting rid of the 2nd “bit”, you don’t really need it and the repetition jars. **
I stood in the doorway for a bit, watching the sunlight reflect off [of] **This might be down to the slight differences between UK and US English, but I don’t think you need the bracketed word. To me the “off” and “of” don’t flow well. Suggest just: …watching the sunlight reflect off …**.
"Oh, please. He died of a heart attack on a mountain in Tennessee. I don't think [that] not getting around was his problem." **You don’t need the bracketed word. Suggest: I don’t think getting around was his problem. Watch out for the word “that” it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. **
I opened a few doors as I passed them so that the rooms could [be airing out] ** I think this would flow better as: …so the rooms could air out…** while I checked out the kitchen.
"I still think it's odd that you don't know what was going on with your [grand dad] **one word: granddad. **
I felt a bit miffed by [that] statement. "You know, I really don't appreciate [that]. You know [that] **You have the word “that” 3 times in one sentence. This is an example of what I mean by this word sneaking up on you. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: I felt a bit miffed by his statement. “You know, I really don’t appreciate that. You know we didn’t talk…**
It's not my fault [that] **and again, suggest omitting it here, you don’t need it, just: It’s not my fault he didn’t call…*
I turned away from the dining room [and its ghostly furniture covers.] **Loved this description**
I didn't like talking about my grandfather, or my teenage years for that matter, [at all.] **Don’t need this. It’s clear from the phrase: I didn’t like talking about… that she doesn’t normally talk about the subject of her grandfather and her life with him. Little additions like this are what I call “tag lines”, which explain what’s already been said. **
I vaguely remember the blow-out argument [that] **Don’t need this. ** we had before I left home for good,
Even though we weren't the closest family, I felt a stab of regret that he hadn't wanted to call me and let me know [that] **Don’t need this. ** he was leaving…
I drew in a ragged breath, but I didn't cry, even though I really wanted to at that moment. Instead, I walked up the stairs and went to my old room to put away my things and change into some clothes [that] **Don’t need this. ** I didn't mind ruining with mud.

I was at least pleasantly surprised to find [that] **Don’t need this. ** the upholstery did not smell like dust and mildew and [that] **Don’t need this. ** the overall integrity of the house was still good. However, I was not so surprised to see [that] **Or this** my grandfather had not upgraded a single piece of furniture in the preceding years. Now [that] **Or this** everything was cleaned…
…but I was certain [that] **There’s that dreaded word again*** they were around somewhere…
I felt like an archaeologist who had just singlehandedly discovered a lost civilization. I found cedar chests, large and small, filled with old clothes, letters, and keepsakes. There was an old sewing machine that must have belonged to my grandmother, who had died before I was born. There was also an antique sewing form with strands of fake pearls and measure tapes strung across it. It still had push pins stuck into it. **Beautifully crafted description. You have a real talent for this. I could “see” this. **
…I was about thirteen years old, wearing a [long] blue jean dress. A [long] chain **Suggest changing the 1st “long” to “full length blue jean dress, to avoid the repetition. ** It was the same pendant that was sitting on top of the record player.
I put down the blanket and picked up the pendant, running my thumb across the stone. It was milky and iridescent, like a polished sea shell. [Even though I was holding it in my hand, it felt like a distant memory,] **Loved this. **
But I couldn't ignore [that] the objects in this box were telling me an entirely different story. An entire photo album depicted me with a grandfather [that] I did not remember, in places [that] I had no recollection of ever going to, doing things [that] I did not recall doing at all. It looked real, but it wasn't anything at all like I remembered.
**Okay, the dreaded word used 4 times in one paragraph; you only need one of them. But I couldn’t ignore that the objects in this box…depicted me with a grandfather I did not remember…in places I had no recollection of…doing things I did not recall…**
I closed the diary that I was currently reading and put my head in my hands, lacing my fingers in my hair [as an act of sheer frustration] **Do you really need this “tag line?” Her action of lacing her fingers in her hair speaks for itself. **
He [finished] and scampered off, leaving me to [finish] my sandwich alone. **Finished and finish are too alike, suggest changing the latter to”eat”. **
After cleaning up [from mine and the cat's lunches,] **Don’t really need this, as it’s obvious what she’s cleaning up**
…and paced across the kitchen, [back and forth] **Don’t need this, the fact she’s pacing is enough**

Kate LaRue wrote 385 days ago

Tamara,
I finished reading Devil in the Details last night. What a fast paced, edge of your seat book filled with unique characters. Riesa is a very relatable character who pops off the page. Phil is easy to like even though he's a demon. It is obvious as soon as the cat hisses at Greg that something is up with him, too.

There are just a few things I noticed throughout that could maybe be reworded to tighten up the narrative. If you've ever read Strunk & White's The Elements of Style, they say that the best dialogue tags are 'said' and 'asked' (my personal preference is to tag dialogue as little as possible). They also caution against using too many 'ly' adverbs. Typically you can find a better verb instead of attaching an 'ly' adverb to it. This is true when tagging dialogue too. I noticed once the tag was 'Gamori said seductively' or something like that, when it was obvious from her words and behavior that she was being seductive.

Another thing to watch for is use of cliches. I noticed several while reading. Try to find a new way to express tired old sayings. I think Authonomy even has a list of cliches to avoid at all costs.

There were typos such as duplicated words sprinkled throughout, so the whole manuscript could use a thorough read through to fix those.

Overall this was a very enjoyable read that pulled me along. I assume there is at least one more book with these characters. I'd be interested to see what happens to Riesa and Phil and the others. This is highly starred and in line for a spot on my shelf.
Kate


melissa_simonson wrote 390 days ago

Hi Tamara! Well I got through your first chapter (I can get to more, if you think I'm helpful at all, and if you want to do multi-chapter swaps....eh, just let me know) and took some notes down. They're mostly just worthless thoughts, and I know nothing about writing ayway, really, since I've never been formally trained and what not, so feel free to ignore any and all suggestions!

I think the opening paragraph could do with some re-writing. I get what you're going for, but I think it could be "tighter". Seems a little wordier than it needs to be. Maybe "Sometimes, life gives you lemons, and you make lemonade. And then sometimes the lemon juice seeps into open wounds and stings like hell." I think you should elminate the 'old wounds' because old wounds, I would think, would be healed, so the lemon juice wouldn't sting...?

The sentence ..."...It was now the week after..." seems too wordy -- I think "It had been a week" reads better.

The Salem, Alabama thing confused me. Of course it's possible that a town could be called Salem, aside from the one in Massachusetts, but it was a bit unbelievable to me. Just a thought.

I also found it hard to believe that orange could be "ghastly". I am thinking 'garish' would be a much better fit in that sentence.

I notice you use the word "stumbled" very close together, when your MC is walking up the porch. I would eliminate one of the 'stumbled's or simply *show* us she stumbled -- like, "I yelped when I tumbled to my knees on the porch". Ehh that's bad, don't use that line, but I hope you get what I'm driving at.

You mentioned the stray cat careened -- I think careened is an odd word there. I mean, it works, but it doesn't resonate with me. If anything, I would think it "streaked" across the porch.

During the phone conversation with Greg, he says "you are" where I think it should have been "you're". The you are just sounded a bit too formal for a phone conversation, and most people don't talk that way.

While I'm on the phone conversation, your MC's inner dialogue confused me a bit. She talks of wanting to smack him, give him the evil eye, etc, and it got a bit wearing. I know you want the reader to get that she's being teased, but I think you over-played it a tad.

I did, however, liked that you gave us information on your MC's relationship with her deceased grandfather through the conversation with Greg, instead of hitting us in the eyes with it and just flat - out stating the info.

Back to the phone conversation -- I think it's an odd choice to use the word 'purr' when describing a man's voice. I mean, I'm sure it happens, but 'purr' is almost too sexy. Was he trying to be sexy? And anyway, you mentioned the 'purr' twice, and I think one of them could do with changing.

The sentence, "...He had known he wasn't coming back." was good. It really made me wonder, why not? And want to keep reading.

After the scene change, you said, "...for a good nights rest" and it read awkwardly. I think it would read better if you said, "after a good nights rest".

I know we as writers hate hearing the show v. tell thing, but I think I have to say it -- toward the middle/end of chapter 1 there was a lot of it. "It hurt having no real family." "My head hurt." I think you could play those things up a little. A pang in her heart would tell us it hurt. A thudding in her head would show us her head throbbed.

One thing I didn't like was when you tacked on (when she's in the kitchen with the stray cat) "...Sorry, poor choice of words..." It felt like an intrusion on the narration. To me, anyway.

I'm sorry if you think this is full of nit-picks! I really do like it, but I thought I'd point out the flaws to make it better (I'd rather have an honest review than a pat on the back one). Hopefully you don't think I'm being harsh, because I really do feel it's got a lot of promise :)

Melissa

Spilota wrote 392 days ago

This is excellent reading. Thoroughly enjoying it and will read it all.

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 393 days ago
Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 393 days ago

A very well written, edited and polished book.
There's a lot of it, so I haven't read it all yet and I'm going to be away for a while. I thought I'd make my initial comments as I've had this book for a while.
This is not my kind of read anymore, due to having had my fill when I was younger.
That said, this is perfect for that young adult audience. There is a huge market waiting for this and it's one of the best fantasy/devil/demon books that I've read on this site.
You've put a lot of thought and hard work into this book, I wish you all the best of luck.
Pollyanna.

Christian Bell wrote 397 days ago

Very informative narration of the history of Reece and her Grandfather. The discriptions of the property and landscape are very good and the storyline rolls on at good pace. I like your writing style and think that this could be very succesful on authonomy. I wish you the best of luck with this and rate it highly.
Christian

ForeverAnimetriss wrote 397 days ago

This is a very interesting book you have here! I'm not exactly sure if I'm a fan of Riesa just yet. She reminds me of a stuck up city girl who has forgotten her roots. I'm curious to see how this all turns out. Keep up the good work! :)

ForeverAnimetriss wrote 397 days ago

This is a very interesting book you have here! I'm not exactly sure if I'm a fan of Riesa just yet. She reminds me of a stuck up city girl who has forgotten her roots. I'm curious to see how this all turns out. Keep up the good work! :)

J C Michael wrote 403 days ago

Hi Tamara,
I've just read your first two opening chapters and think this is a solid start and an interesting story so far. The style of writing everything from the point of view of your main character works well, although you do need to watch out for repetition of "I" did this and "I" did that in consecutive sentances. There are also a couple of other places where the same word crops up repeatedly and I think the story would be improved if things were mixed up a little. One example if this is the word "remember", try "recall", or "bring to mind", as alternatives.
Having said that this is a good read and should play well to a young adult audience if it continues in this vein. With a little bit of polishing you could certainly get this to a high enough standard to shoot up the rankings and I hope to see you achieve that and build upon the promise of what you have so far.
Highly starred for the strong narrative elements if the story and potential that this story seems to have.
Best wishes,
James

KoriBates wrote 405 days ago

I started reading the first chapter, but I had to stop. I love what your book is about and after skimming through some of it, it really is well written and catches my attention, but the first few paragraphs did nothing to draw me in. I do like the way you described her reactions to her boyfriend on the phone call and the dialogue between the two. Of course, these are just my opinions and you can take them for what they're worth. You have a knack for writing. I'll keep this on my watch list and come back to it.

TaniaJohansson wrote 406 days ago

Devil in the Details
Tamara Hickman

I loved this book. The story draws you in immediately and keeps you reading. Your writing is clear and flows very smoothly. No real grammar/spelilng mistakes that I spotted. Your characterisation is strong and you quickly feel empathy for your main protagonist.
You set the scene extremely well. You give details about the surroundings through story telling as opposed to having a paragraph dedicated to explaining what the room looks like.
I loved this and I am sure you will do extremely well with it.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Neville wrote 407 days ago

Devil in the Details.
By Tamara Hickman.


Riesa Grimshaw certainly got a shock as she as she arrived at the house her Grandad had left to her in his will.
It had always been well looked after while he was alive—a house to be proud of.
You describe well her feelings as she surveys what used to be her home as well as her Grandfather’s.
The out-of-bounds library...the secrecy of her Grandpa’s ways and his need for personal space where Riesla was concerned. That’s how I see him anyway, suddenly having to cope with a teenager around.
I like the way you take the reader around the house as Riesla removes the furniture covers and progresses up into the attic.
I was there as she delves into the chests and recovers items that she has no recollection of and yet can’t deny.
Photographs that are definitely her years ago, fail to register in her memory.
Then we have the diaries—her handwriting that’s for sure.
This is a story with a lot of mystery and suspense that’s only just starting with the first chapter.
It has an immense hook to it even at this early stage and that’s what counts if the book is to leave the bookshop shelves...I’m sure it will.
Many stars!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Thomas C. wrote 407 days ago

Tamara, you have a writing style that is very clear and concise, much like Charlaine Harris. It hypnotizes you and brings you into the story with good narrative. My suggestion: see if you can pump up at the opening sentence, grabbing us by the collar and making us sit up in the seat earlier. I'm big lover of horror, thriller and paranormal and I'm sure its some creepy stuff in Grandpa's old house. that you can use as a device-creepy spiders, house sounds etc. String the tension a little longer. Wishing for the running water is okay, but would she freak about the many legs of a hairy spider crawling up her neck, or an unexplained bloodstain that leads to somewhere or. . . nowhere, thats up to you. Overall I like it and will be reading more.

Thomas C.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 408 days ago

Tamara,
I found "Devil in the Details" an introspective book, long on narrative and short on dialogue, which goes well with the mood surrounding the story. Riesa, using the first person, takes us through a labyrinth of events unraveling the secrets of her grandfather's attic, in a way both engaging and intriguing. She is a sympathetic character one can only root for. Your conversational style is easy to digest and a delight to read. Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

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