Book Jacket

 

rank 1316
word count 80617
date submitted 07.04.2012
date updated 07.11.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Horror
classification: moderate
complete

Devil in the Details

Tamara Hickman

When Riesa finds a journal in her deceased grandfather’s attic, she learns that her memories are false and the demon trapped inside is the key.

 

Atlanta city girl, Riesa Grimshaw, has been estranged from overbearing grandfather for seven years. Now, after the death of her grandfather leaves her the only surviving member of the Grimshaw family, Riesa returns to get her grandfather’s backwater country home ready for sale or rent, only to find clues that the past she remembers isn’t real. Matters are further complicated when she accidentally releases a demon from a journal that has been hidden in the attic for the past seven years. Things are bad enough with altered memories, an accidental demon familiar, and a family curse riding on Riesa's back, but when cryptic messages and slaughtered animals start showing up in Riesa's path, she knows that this is only the beginning.

Devil in the Details is a modern supernatural fantasy that delves into the world of demons, angels, and family secrets, set in the small town of Salem, Alabama. Fans of Charlaine Harris, Patricia Briggs, and Laurell K. Hamilton may also find a new favorite with this novel.

 
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tags

angel, demon, demonology, fantasy, fiction, hoodoo, magic, mystery, romance, supernatural

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13

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Gamori

 

 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Gamori

 

    A woman was leaning against the hood of my car. She was probably the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her features were exotic, with strong hints of Indian. She had honey colored almond shaped eyes, and a complexion like warm caramel. Her hair was a soft black waist length mass that seemed to have a life of its own. She was dressed in a skin tight leopard print halter top and a pair of black pants that seemed to be painted on, with an elegant silk scarf tied around her waist.

    She stalked over to us, leaving puncture wounds in the ground with her three inch heels with each step. She reminded me of a cat by the graceful way she moved, slow and seductive as if she were putting on a show. I looked back at Phil. By the way his Adams apple bobbed, I was willing to put money on it that she was acting out for him.

    “Old Girlfriend?” I whispered to him.

    Gamori.” He said, loud enough for the approaching woman to hear. It wasn’t a greeting, or an introduction, but more of a warning growl.

    She stopped almost a breath away from him, looking up seductively, putting her arms around his shoulders. He stood straight and still. She was taller than me in those heels, but still about three inches shorter than him. “Azaraphel,” She answered. Her voice was husky, and I could definitely imagine that voice working wonders on an X rated film. She went to give him a kiss but he flinched and inched back. She pouted at him, “What’s the matter, love?”” I was a bit surprised to hear the British accent. She looked at me, with her arms still around Phil’s neck. “Don’t want to make out in front of your new girlfriend?”

    Phil forcibly removed her arms from around his neck and stepped back, away from her. “She and I are not lovers, and neither are we, for that matter,” he told her quite bluntly. I think the “not anymore” hung in the air. I would have to be blind not to see that there was or had been something between them.

    She made a soundless “Oh” with her lips and turned her attentions to me. She took the extra step to be closer to me and smelled my hair. “Smells like vanilla,” she purred. “I guess you won’t mind if I have her then?” She asked, teasing Phil, curling a tendril of my hair around her fingers.

    I brushed her hand away. “Sorry, but I don’t swing that way,” I told her. “And I already have a boyfriend, too.”

    She looked in my eyes for a moment. She was really pushing my personal boundaries hard, but I didn’t want to take a step back. That seemed like showing weakness for some reason. She laughed but it was full of condescension. “Oh love, that won’t last long.” I didn’t like the way she said that at all.

    I looked back at the house. I was very glad that Holly and Tommy had already left, but neighbors were bound to notice soon if we stayed in their front yard. I looked at Phil, and turning my attention away from Gamori for just a moment. “Phil, we need to leave,” I said pointing to the house. “We are going to cause them more trouble if we stay out here.”

    Gamori laughed, again with disdain. “You aren’t going anywhere until I’ve said what I have to say to you, Theresa Marie Grimshaw. The people who live here will be fine. ‘Daddy’ is going to have a little ‘accident’ in the near future.”

    I looked at Phil, and I must have looked as surprised and scared as I felt. He said, “Gamori is oracular. She can also find hidden objects, and make women fall in love.”

    “She’s a demon,” I said, catching on. Some days I’m just a bit slow. He nodded. “In that case, we really have to leave.” Gamori started to protest, but I cut her off. I know it wasn’t polite of me, but I was not going to bring another demon in range of Holly or Tommy, even if they weren’t home. “If you have something to tell me, you can tell me in the car. We are not staying here.” I said, putting my foot down. Admittedly, I didn’t like the idea of having a demoness in my car, but it was better than the alternative.

    Gamori smiled, and this time it seemed a bit more genuine, even if it was still seductive. “I like you,” she said. “You are direct.” She tapped the place on my shirt where my stone amulet was hidden underneath. “If not for this bobble, I could have so much fun with you.” She smiled. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t like her at all. She went and sat in the front passenger seat, and waited patiently, with that seductive smile still plastered on her face. I guess that she was very amused with herself at all times, and couldn’t help but wonder what it would take to remove that smile. It wasn’t very nice of me to think.

    I looked at Phil and he nodded. I took that as a sign that we were good to go, demoness and all. He climbed into the back behind Gamori.

    As soon as I pulled out of the driveway, I asked, “Okay, so what did you come to tell me?”

    “What relationship do you have with Azaraphel?” She asked instead of answering.

    “It’s none of your business, Gamori,” Phil replied from the back seat.

    She made a tut-tut sound. “Testy, love, testy. Is it a touchy subject with you?” she asked, turning around in the seat to face him. She looked at him for a moment, and then looked at me. “Oh, I see.” She laughed. “Phil, you naughty boy,” she teased him, using my name for him. It did not spark happy feelings in me.

    “Is she doing some oracular thing, Phil, or is she just being a pain in the ass?”

    Gamori patted my knee. “Trust me, love, you will know when I am being a ‘pain in the ass’.”

    I think at that point, I’d had enough, and she hadn’t even said much yet. I think that it was what she wasn’t saying that pissed me off the most. We were at a four way stop, with open fields on two of the corners, woods on the third, and a small brick building on the fourth. It was boarded up, and had probably been a stable or something in a past life. I pulled my car into the flat dirt patch beside it and parked.

    “A crossroads,” Gamori said, “How fitting a place to have a talk with a demon.” I understood the significance, but I really hadn’t planned it that way. I just couldn’t wait until she passed on her message and got the hell out of my car. “It’s traditional to have meeting with the devil and cast dark spells at crossroads, you know.”

    I got out of the car, and hoped that she would follow suit, which she did. She took a deep breath. “I love the smell of dark magic in the evening, don’t you?” she asked.

    I shook my head. “Wouldn’t know. I’ve never tried it.” I replied flatly.

    She laughed and shook her head. “Oh, love. If only you knew,” she said.

    “Gamori,” Phil said her name like a warning. I wasn’t sure what he was warning her about, but I hoped that he was warning her that she better start talking soon.

    She sniffled as if she were faking sadness. “Phil, love, you take all the fun out of these things.”

    He looked sternly at her. “Just tell Riesa what you came to tell her.”

    “Down, boy,” she cajoled. “I’ll tell her, just as soon as she answers a question for me.”

    “Ask.” I said, running out of patience.

    She seductively swayed over to me, and brushed the side of my face with one of her long nails. “Tell me, love, how good is your delicious ‘Greg’ in the sack?”

    I looked to Phil for help on this, because I didn’t want to answer such a crass question. He looked at Gamori, blank faced. “Riesa, you can answer her question.”

    I looked at the demoness. “Not that it is any of either of your businesses, whatsoever, but I wouldn’t know.”

    She laughed, “Well, it’s only a matter of time, love.” She thought for a moment. “Tell you what. To make up for my asking such a prying question of you, I’ll let you tell me one treasure that you would most like to find in the entire world.”

    I didn’t even have to think about that one. “My memories. I don’t think you could find those for me, though.” I replied.

    She opened her mouth to say something, but Phil interrupted her. “Do not offer her an answer before you state your price,” He said.

    She grinned flirtatiously at him. “It’s a gift,” she said, then turned to me. “You need only look as far as the end of your nose, love,” she teased, tapping the end of my nose for emphasis. “You may ask me another question later. I came to give you a message from the one who holds my allegiance,” she said, and then added, looking pointedly at Phil, “because I still honor my oaths.” She walked over to lean against the car, and then looked back at me, and said, as if reciting verbatim, “Theresa Marie Grimshaw, granddaughter of Toliver Maxwell Grimshaw, you are hereby formally invited to a gathering on the night of the full moon, at a place to be determined, and disclosed via another messenger. You are invited to bring one guest. Yours truly, Mr. B.” She finished, and then tacked on quickly, “Oh and Gregory Behr sends his love.”

    My heart sank. “Greg,” I whispered. I moved angrily towards the demoness, but Phil stopped me, holding me back. “Where is Greg? Is he hurt?” I demanded.

    She smirked at Phil. “I do like her, Phil. She has spirit.”

    “Its ‘Azaraphel’ to you, Gamori,” he growled. Apparently he didn’t like her using my name for him either.

    She laughed. “Very well, I’ll tell you, love, but first, my price, since Azaraphel so demands it.” She looked at me, her usual flirtatiousness replaced by seriousness. “I will tell you where Greg is in exchange for the amulet you wear around your neck.”

    Without thinking, I reached for the wire that held the stone. Phil stopped my hand. “Wait, Riesa, think about this.”

    I looked at Phil. “I love Greg. If I put him in danger because I couldn’t tell him the truth about all of this, and then did nothing to help him, I could never live with myself.” I took the necklace off and held it out for Gamori.

    She let it fall into her palm. The magic of it sizzled away in a flash of light, like a light bulb that had just burned out. The charm was broken now that it had been touched by someone else. She smiled. “Don’t worry, Azaraphel. I won’t use any of my wicked powers on your lovely practitioner,” she assured him, and then turned to me. “You will find Gregory Behr, safe and sound, at your home.”

    “Damn it,” Phil cursed. I agreed, but was too mad to vocalize.

    Gamori laughed. “I answered! But if you insist, I can give Riesa her bobble back,” she smirked, dropping the now-defunct amulet into my hand. “Sweet dreams, love,” she said to me, and then turned to leave.

    “Gamori, wait,” Phil called after her. “How long have you been in town?”

    She gave him a seductive smile. “A few days.” 

    “Then it was you messing with Riesa last night,” he accused.

    Her smile turned demure. “Yes, I admit it. Mr. B. wasn’t happy when he found out, though. He threatened not to whip me for a whole month if I did it without his permission again.” She turned and vanished. No puff of smoke, just gone.

    Phil looked at me. “Well, we still have a few days to prepare. You can just go back to Clarice and see if you can get another one, or have that one enchanted again.”

    I looked at him, wide eyed. “Whoa, wait. She’s a masochist? And you dated her?”

    He groaned and looked at me disparagingly. “Dated is such a strong term for what we were. I was her subordinate for a while. Subordinate in Discord is a lot like ‘slave’. You do a lot of things you aren’t proud of because if you don’t, worse things happen to you.”

    I stared at the stone in my hand. “What are your domains, Azaraphel? What kind of demon are you?” I asked, not meeting his eyes. Gamori frightened me. The Boogie Man, or Krampus, or whatever he was, frightened me. Azaraphel was one of them. He frightened me, too, but in a completely different way.

    He looked at me. “Well, according to the Goetica Grimshaw, I command 15 legions of demons. I hold the rank of knight. I bring chaos, but I also offer protections against chaos. It is my office to teach the arts of war and swordsmanship. I’m also pretty good at mastering video games. I am ranked 94th, though that is sure to have changed in the past 8 years. All of this commanding legions and ranking stuff is really just made up figures that we tell to make ourselves seem cooler to whatever demonologist summons us. Mostly.”

    I looked up at him. “So, are you really a knight, or was that made up?”

    He looked away. “I was a knight. We have our ranks, I’m sure you’ve guessed. I just don’t care about playing the game anymore.”  He turned away and walked back to the car.

    “Wait, Azaraphel,” I called out to him. I couldn’t bring myself to use his nickname at the moment. “I have one more question for you,” I caught up with him, and stood right in front of him, looking him in the eye. “Gamori obviously had no use for a summoner or a host, or whatever you’d call it. You told me that you needed me alive to stay on Earth. Was that true?” I demanded.

    He fidgeted and looked away. “No it wasn’t, apparently.”

    I sighed loudly, feeling an unhealthy dose of betrayal and anger. I turned away but ended up rounding back on him, yelling, “Why did you lie to me? Was anything you told me at the beginning true, at all?” A thought occurred to me. My voice went quiet, “You are just trying to get the rest of my soul, to own me, aren’t you,” I accused. I felt stupid immediately after it came out of my mouth, but he was so close to being perfectly bound to me that it scared me to my core.

    He looked at me, and I could see the remorse and hurt in his eyes. “I lied to you, because I wanted to stay with you,” he admitted. “I lied to you because I needed a reason to give you that you would believe.” He laced his fingers behind his head, frustrated. “I spent seven years trapped in your journal, with your memories, Riesa. Seven years!” he shouted. I was shocked. He had never shouted at me before, but now it was like some bottled up tension that I had never noticed before had been released. There was no stopping it. “I had plenty of time to get to know everything about you, every single nuance, and every detail. I know what you like, what you fear, what you hate. I know how you found the strength to be happy after your parents died, and I know how you had the will power to look every challenge you faced with optimism. I relived all of your happy memories with you, for seven years.” His eyes met mine. “Tell me that it’s possible to see that much light in someone and not fall in love with it.”

    I stood there, frozen, looking into his dark blue eyes. I didn’t know what to say. “I…” I grasped for words that wouldn’t come. He turned away.

    I watched him walk across the dirt clearing. He jumped the fence and sat on the other side. I debated leaving him. I wanted to just leave this situation. I had someone I loved, and things were going great. Plus, Greg was human. But Azaraphel, my own personal demon, had just confessed his love in not so many words. I was conflicted. I decided that it would be very cruel of me to leave him behind.

    The storm clouds had finally rolled away, leaving the sky clear. The moon was waxing, and almost to full, though I really couldn’t tell the difference between the moon above us, and a real full moon. The night was well lit, which worked for me. I think I was becoming afraid of the dark. As I walked toward Phil, I couldn’t help but notice that his unruly hair reflected the moonlight like a red halo, as if someone had set the field on fire in that one place and then took a still frame of it.

    I hopped the fence and sat down next to him. He was staring up at the moon, and I could see the light shine in his eyes. I didn’t say anything. I just sat there, mainly because I didn’t know what to say.

    “I know you don’t love me, Riesa. You don’t have to worry about that,” he said, still staring up at that moon. “I’d like you to know that I’m not reading your mind or anything. We are joined at the soul, that much is true.” He sighed. “It’s also true that I gain more power the more connected to your soul that I am. You should know that the opposite is also true. You become a more powerful spell caster through me.” He gave me a half smile, turning to look at me. The moon was still in his eyes. “I guess you could say, in a way, that I am your familiar.”

    He looked at me, and I didn’t look away. I just stared into his dark blue eyes. I could have gotten up and walked away, but I didn’t. So it was my own fault when he leaned over and kissed me in the moonlight.

    It was a tender kiss and started off innocent. It wasn’t like the bespelled longing that I had felt in the motel, but I found myself kissing him back. His hand caressed my face and I caught myself.

    “Wait, wait,” I said, breathlessly, pushing him back. “We really can’t do this. It’s wrong on too many levels.”

    He looked at me and sighed. “Yeah, can’t have that.”

    I looked at my watch. “We need to go,” I said. I was glad that Greg was okay, but now I really needed to see him and set myself straight, especially if he had been waiting at the house all this time.

    “You go ahead,” Phil waved me off. “I’ll walk home. I could use some fresh air, anyway.” He sighed. I felt sorry for him. This was all my fault. I was the one who had locked him in that journal. He should hate me, but he didn’t. He was bound to me, but I was already taken.

    I nodded and walked back to my car, driving home alone with my unhappy thoughts.

 

Chapters

13

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Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 390 days ago

A very well written, edited and polished book.
There's a lot of it, so I haven't read it all yet and I'm going to be away for a while. I thought I'd make my initial comments as I've had this book for a while.
This is not my kind of read anymore, due to having had my fill when I was younger.
That said, this is perfect for that young adult audience. There is a huge market waiting for this and it's one of the best fantasy/devil/demon books that I've read on this site.
You've put a lot of thought and hard work into this book, I wish you all the best of luck.
Pollyanna.

TaniaJohansson wrote 403 days ago

Devil in the Details
Tamara Hickman

I loved this book. The story draws you in immediately and keeps you reading. Your writing is clear and flows very smoothly. No real grammar/spelilng mistakes that I spotted. Your characterisation is strong and you quickly feel empathy for your main protagonist.
You set the scene extremely well. You give details about the surroundings through story telling as opposed to having a paragraph dedicated to explaining what the room looks like.
I loved this and I am sure you will do extremely well with it.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Neville wrote 404 days ago

Devil in the Details.
By Tamara Hickman.


Riesa Grimshaw certainly got a shock as she as she arrived at the house her Grandad had left to her in his will.
It had always been well looked after while he was alive—a house to be proud of.
You describe well her feelings as she surveys what used to be her home as well as her Grandfather’s.
The out-of-bounds library...the secrecy of her Grandpa’s ways and his need for personal space where Riesla was concerned. That’s how I see him anyway, suddenly having to cope with a teenager around.
I like the way you take the reader around the house as Riesla removes the furniture covers and progresses up into the attic.
I was there as she delves into the chests and recovers items that she has no recollection of and yet can’t deny.
Photographs that are definitely her years ago, fail to register in her memory.
Then we have the diaries—her handwriting that’s for sure.
This is a story with a lot of mystery and suspense that’s only just starting with the first chapter.
It has an immense hook to it even at this early stage and that’s what counts if the book is to leave the bookshop shelves...I’m sure it will.
Many stars!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 405 days ago

Tamara,
I found "Devil in the Details" an introspective book, long on narrative and short on dialogue, which goes well with the mood surrounding the story. Riesa, using the first person, takes us through a labyrinth of events unraveling the secrets of her grandfather's attic, in a way both engaging and intriguing. She is a sympathetic character one can only root for. Your conversational style is easy to digest and a delight to read. Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Su Dan wrote 183 days ago

l like your honest narrative style- first person; it works very well indeed...
...backed...
read SEASONS...

Jim Darcy wrote 192 days ago

Not my normal kind of read but the pitch intrigued me and the tale was well-written enough to engage me as a reader.

jemmamcalinden wrote 194 days ago

This book was great I could not stop reading!
I hope to see another installment ASAP
Jemma

Tod Schneider wrote 307 days ago

I really like the set up, and the writing overall. Your main character is an interesting, sympathetic character who I'm already rooting for. Your attention to detail make the locale come alive. You do a great job of planting curious information that we have to read on to find explanations for. Good stuff!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/

Lena M. Pate wrote 334 days ago

Great story and really good lead up to the end of the first chapter. I have only read the first chapter but it has great potential for a first rate mystery and fantasy. Just a couple of suggestions. A few things bothered me but they were cosmetic at best. Like why if she is going to the house knowing her grandfather died on some mountain far away and not not bring groceries with her? Why is she dressed up in expensive heels when she was driving to the backwoods all alone? Also her moods don't seem to vary. She could have had a good cry or laughed after being startled by the cat from nervousness. Event though you mention she was angry at the boyfriend it doesn't come across. You described the outside of the house in detail but once inside we get very little feel of what she is seeing. Something like "As she removed an old blue sheet off of the hard backed sofa, memories of the yellow and green flowers with the multiple buttons and the intricate carved wooden back reminded me of the days when I sat here stiffly waiting for grandfather to finish in his library so that we could go for our weekly trip into town." Something to place her there and remembering life a bit since she hasn't been home for seven years. Also, there are several repetitive words within such as variations of the work pick are repeated in several places. Just suggestions. I'm by no means an expert. Many well deserved stars.

scoz512 wrote 362 days ago

Very vivid and detailed desriptions you give. I also enjoy Reisa's voice, casual and easily read. Nice intriguing plot, love the ending of chapter one, kept me reading on. I will have to come back for more later, just wanted to comment at this point. Will put it on my watchlist.

Sara
War of the Wastelands

kshaw wrote 364 days ago

Hi Tamara,
Wow, I like your concept and this is exactly the book that I love to read. I'm happy I put this on my bookshelf. I think your style is funny and engaging.
Here are my notes:
1. I get where you are coming from with the first two paras, but if you want to send this to an agent (which I think you should when you are ready :) ) you have to cut them. It opens with a cliche and you give us all the information in the second para.
That being said, I love the third para! "It was only fitting that it would be raining when I returned to Salem." That is a beautiful opening. Of course, you don't have to do that. I'm a copywriter so I can't help but notice beginnings of stories :)
2. There are a few cliches in here, especially when you describe Greg. Luxurious brown hair, baby blue eyes, etc.
3. There are also times when you use feel instead of describing the sensation. What I do to remedy that is go into the word document search for the word "feel" and highlight it. That way I can find them quickly and easily.
4. Great dialogue! I usually look for mistakes with dialogue tags and you don't have any, so great job.
5. I love the reference to black magic woman, that's one of my favorite songs and it created the exact mood you were trying to convey to the reader.
6. The hook at the end is wonderful! I will definitely be back to read more!

Frith,
Kayla Shaw
PS Thank you so much for your kind comments on Philosophia. That meant a lot to me and you captivated my book exactly in your comment.

Sue50 wrote 366 days ago

Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I think you've got a hit here! Happy to place your work on my shelf. Good Luck!
Sue50

Oriax wrote 375 days ago

This is a story that will appeal to the vampire, Twilight fans, with its sparky heroine, the pacy dialogue, the setting of the dusty colonial house. You write well and fluently without any obvious glitches, though I did think you switch tense quite a lot in the opening chapter.
These are the few notes I took:
I don’t think a house can be downtrodden, that’s for people. Houses are run down.
Riesa yelps for very spurious reasons, a bird flying out of its nest, a cat on the porch. In chapter three she yelps again.
You use the word curmudgeon twice to describe the grandfather.

A criticism I would make is that the tone doesn’t change much with the circumstances you’re describing. Riesa uses the same rather irritated tone of voice to her boyfriend on the phone as she does to the demon. Irritated, weary and tongue in cheek. She seems to use the same criteria to judge the demon as she does her boyfriend – how much she fancies him. She also takes it incredibly calmly that she has a demon in her home, going to bed and leaving him to get on with it.
The pillow-throwing scene the next morning is a bit of a cliché, again as if she is just starting a new relationship with a new boyfriend.
Devil in the Details struck me as the kind of book that would appeal to a YA readership, though I maybe haven’t read far enough to get to the hot sex and violence scenes. Good luck with this, it’s the kind of book I can see being very popular.
Jane

Lady Midnight wrote 379 days ago

Hi, Tamara, read the first chapter of Devil in the details and thoroughly enjoyed it. It’s intriguing, well characterized and for the most part, flows well. I’ve outlined some suggestions, which I hope prove useful. If you get a chance would you have a look at the first chapter of Land of Midnight Days? I’d really appreciate any insights you have to offer. http://www.authonomy.com/books/40804/land-of-midnight-days/
The pitch is fine, apart from missing “her” from this sentence: Atlanta city girl, Riesa Grimshaw, has been estranged from {her} overbearing grandfather…
Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. At other times, the lemon juice just gets into old wounds and stings like hell. **Great opening line**
He probably [had] wanted to keep everything in the family…**The bracketed word mars the flow of the sentence. Suggest deleting it and just have: He probably wanted…
[It was a four bedroom and two bath home] ** This doesn’t flow well, suggest: It contained four bedrooms and two bathrooms….
. **The paragraph beginning: I finally pulled into the drive and ending with: …he hadn’t been doing it here, is filled with great description, it paints an immediate picture. **
I was certain that I was going to get even dirtier before the day was [up] **Suggest replacing this with “over”**
and startled a bird that had been nesting under the eaves of the [ porch], confirming my suspicions that the [porch] **To avoid the repetition of “porch” so close together, suggest replacing the 2nd with “it”: …confirming my suspicions [it] had become…**
"Hey, baby! Did you make it to Salem alright?" I grinned. It was nice to hear my boyfriend's voice. Greg had one of those great voices that sounded like a deep purr every time he talked. I think he could have read me the phone book…. **Even though we can’t “see” Greg, the description of his voice gives the reader an insight of what he’s like**
I'm a sucker for blue eyes. I think it’s because I have blue eye envy. I was born a dirty blond with muddy brown eyes. I can bleach my hair, but the eyes? I can't really do much about them. **I love the way you describe the MC’s appearance without resorting to clichés, such as looking in a mirror, particularly as this is done from a 1st person pov.**
["You are] at the house already?" **This is a bit formal. In real life, speech is made up of abbreviations, unless something is perhaps being emphasized. Suggest you change this to “You’re”. **
"This house really is a mess, Greg. You should see it." I picked up my bag and dug through my purse, balancing the phone [on my] **Suggest changing to: …balancing the phone “against” my ear…**
I unlocked the door and tried to open it. It stuck a [bit], and a [bit] ** Suggest getting rid of the 2nd “bit”, you don’t really need it and the repetition jars. **
I stood in the doorway for a bit, watching the sunlight reflect off [of] **This might be down to the slight differences between UK and US English, but I don’t think you need the bracketed word. To me the “off” and “of” don’t flow well. Suggest just: …watching the sunlight reflect off …**.
"Oh, please. He died of a heart attack on a mountain in Tennessee. I don't think [that] not getting around was his problem." **You don’t need the bracketed word. Suggest: I don’t think getting around was his problem. Watch out for the word “that” it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. **
I opened a few doors as I passed them so that the rooms could [be airing out] ** I think this would flow better as: …so the rooms could air out…** while I checked out the kitchen.
"I still think it's odd that you don't know what was going on with your [grand dad] **one word: granddad. **
I felt a bit miffed by [that] statement. "You know, I really don't appreciate [that]. You know [that] **You have the word “that” 3 times in one sentence. This is an example of what I mean by this word sneaking up on you. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: I felt a bit miffed by his statement. “You know, I really don’t appreciate that. You know we didn’t talk…**
It's not my fault [that] **and again, suggest omitting it here, you don’t need it, just: It’s not my fault he didn’t call…*
I turned away from the dining room [and its ghostly furniture covers.] **Loved this description**
I didn't like talking about my grandfather, or my teenage years for that matter, [at all.] **Don’t need this. It’s clear from the phrase: I didn’t like talking about… that she doesn’t normally talk about the subject of her grandfather and her life with him. Little additions like this are what I call “tag lines”, which explain what’s already been said. **
I vaguely remember the blow-out argument [that] **Don’t need this. ** we had before I left home for good,
Even though we weren't the closest family, I felt a stab of regret that he hadn't wanted to call me and let me know [that] **Don’t need this. ** he was leaving…
I drew in a ragged breath, but I didn't cry, even though I really wanted to at that moment. Instead, I walked up the stairs and went to my old room to put away my things and change into some clothes [that] **Don’t need this. ** I didn't mind ruining with mud.

I was at least pleasantly surprised to find [that] **Don’t need this. ** the upholstery did not smell like dust and mildew and [that] **Don’t need this. ** the overall integrity of the house was still good. However, I was not so surprised to see [that] **Or this** my grandfather had not upgraded a single piece of furniture in the preceding years. Now [that] **Or this** everything was cleaned…
…but I was certain [that] **There’s that dreaded word again*** they were around somewhere…
I felt like an archaeologist who had just singlehandedly discovered a lost civilization. I found cedar chests, large and small, filled with old clothes, letters, and keepsakes. There was an old sewing machine that must have belonged to my grandmother, who had died before I was born. There was also an antique sewing form with strands of fake pearls and measure tapes strung across it. It still had push pins stuck into it. **Beautifully crafted description. You have a real talent for this. I could “see” this. **
…I was about thirteen years old, wearing a [long] blue jean dress. A [long] chain **Suggest changing the 1st “long” to “full length blue jean dress, to avoid the repetition. ** It was the same pendant that was sitting on top of the record player.
I put down the blanket and picked up the pendant, running my thumb across the stone. It was milky and iridescent, like a polished sea shell. [Even though I was holding it in my hand, it felt like a distant memory,] **Loved this. **
But I couldn't ignore [that] the objects in this box were telling me an entirely different story. An entire photo album depicted me with a grandfather [that] I did not remember, in places [that] I had no recollection of ever going to, doing things [that] I did not recall doing at all. It looked real, but it wasn't anything at all like I remembered.
**Okay, the dreaded word used 4 times in one paragraph; you only need one of them. But I couldn’t ignore that the objects in this box…depicted me with a grandfather I did not remember…in places I had no recollection of…doing things I did not recall…**
I closed the diary that I was currently reading and put my head in my hands, lacing my fingers in my hair [as an act of sheer frustration] **Do you really need this “tag line?” Her action of lacing her fingers in her hair speaks for itself. **
He [finished] and scampered off, leaving me to [finish] my sandwich alone. **Finished and finish are too alike, suggest changing the latter to”eat”. **
After cleaning up [from mine and the cat's lunches,] **Don’t really need this, as it’s obvious what she’s cleaning up**
…and paced across the kitchen, [back and forth] **Don’t need this, the fact she’s pacing is enough**

Kate LaRue wrote 382 days ago

Tamara,
I finished reading Devil in the Details last night. What a fast paced, edge of your seat book filled with unique characters. Riesa is a very relatable character who pops off the page. Phil is easy to like even though he's a demon. It is obvious as soon as the cat hisses at Greg that something is up with him, too.

There are just a few things I noticed throughout that could maybe be reworded to tighten up the narrative. If you've ever read Strunk & White's The Elements of Style, they say that the best dialogue tags are 'said' and 'asked' (my personal preference is to tag dialogue as little as possible). They also caution against using too many 'ly' adverbs. Typically you can find a better verb instead of attaching an 'ly' adverb to it. This is true when tagging dialogue too. I noticed once the tag was 'Gamori said seductively' or something like that, when it was obvious from her words and behavior that she was being seductive.

Another thing to watch for is use of cliches. I noticed several while reading. Try to find a new way to express tired old sayings. I think Authonomy even has a list of cliches to avoid at all costs.

There were typos such as duplicated words sprinkled throughout, so the whole manuscript could use a thorough read through to fix those.

Overall this was a very enjoyable read that pulled me along. I assume there is at least one more book with these characters. I'd be interested to see what happens to Riesa and Phil and the others. This is highly starred and in line for a spot on my shelf.
Kate


melissa_simonson wrote 387 days ago

Hi Tamara! Well I got through your first chapter (I can get to more, if you think I'm helpful at all, and if you want to do multi-chapter swaps....eh, just let me know) and took some notes down. They're mostly just worthless thoughts, and I know nothing about writing ayway, really, since I've never been formally trained and what not, so feel free to ignore any and all suggestions!

I think the opening paragraph could do with some re-writing. I get what you're going for, but I think it could be "tighter". Seems a little wordier than it needs to be. Maybe "Sometimes, life gives you lemons, and you make lemonade. And then sometimes the lemon juice seeps into open wounds and stings like hell." I think you should elminate the 'old wounds' because old wounds, I would think, would be healed, so the lemon juice wouldn't sting...?

The sentence ..."...It was now the week after..." seems too wordy -- I think "It had been a week" reads better.

The Salem, Alabama thing confused me. Of course it's possible that a town could be called Salem, aside from the one in Massachusetts, but it was a bit unbelievable to me. Just a thought.

I also found it hard to believe that orange could be "ghastly". I am thinking 'garish' would be a much better fit in that sentence.

I notice you use the word "stumbled" very close together, when your MC is walking up the porch. I would eliminate one of the 'stumbled's or simply *show* us she stumbled -- like, "I yelped when I tumbled to my knees on the porch". Ehh that's bad, don't use that line, but I hope you get what I'm driving at.

You mentioned the stray cat careened -- I think careened is an odd word there. I mean, it works, but it doesn't resonate with me. If anything, I would think it "streaked" across the porch.

During the phone conversation with Greg, he says "you are" where I think it should have been "you're". The you are just sounded a bit too formal for a phone conversation, and most people don't talk that way.

While I'm on the phone conversation, your MC's inner dialogue confused me a bit. She talks of wanting to smack him, give him the evil eye, etc, and it got a bit wearing. I know you want the reader to get that she's being teased, but I think you over-played it a tad.

I did, however, liked that you gave us information on your MC's relationship with her deceased grandfather through the conversation with Greg, instead of hitting us in the eyes with it and just flat - out stating the info.

Back to the phone conversation -- I think it's an odd choice to use the word 'purr' when describing a man's voice. I mean, I'm sure it happens, but 'purr' is almost too sexy. Was he trying to be sexy? And anyway, you mentioned the 'purr' twice, and I think one of them could do with changing.

The sentence, "...He had known he wasn't coming back." was good. It really made me wonder, why not? And want to keep reading.

After the scene change, you said, "...for a good nights rest" and it read awkwardly. I think it would read better if you said, "after a good nights rest".

I know we as writers hate hearing the show v. tell thing, but I think I have to say it -- toward the middle/end of chapter 1 there was a lot of it. "It hurt having no real family." "My head hurt." I think you could play those things up a little. A pang in her heart would tell us it hurt. A thudding in her head would show us her head throbbed.

One thing I didn't like was when you tacked on (when she's in the kitchen with the stray cat) "...Sorry, poor choice of words..." It felt like an intrusion on the narration. To me, anyway.

I'm sorry if you think this is full of nit-picks! I really do like it, but I thought I'd point out the flaws to make it better (I'd rather have an honest review than a pat on the back one). Hopefully you don't think I'm being harsh, because I really do feel it's got a lot of promise :)

Melissa

Spilota wrote 389 days ago

This is excellent reading. Thoroughly enjoying it and will read it all.

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 390 days ago
Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 390 days ago

A very well written, edited and polished book.
There's a lot of it, so I haven't read it all yet and I'm going to be away for a while. I thought I'd make my initial comments as I've had this book for a while.
This is not my kind of read anymore, due to having had my fill when I was younger.
That said, this is perfect for that young adult audience. There is a huge market waiting for this and it's one of the best fantasy/devil/demon books that I've read on this site.
You've put a lot of thought and hard work into this book, I wish you all the best of luck.
Pollyanna.

Christian Bell wrote 394 days ago

Very informative narration of the history of Reece and her Grandfather. The discriptions of the property and landscape are very good and the storyline rolls on at good pace. I like your writing style and think that this could be very succesful on authonomy. I wish you the best of luck with this and rate it highly.
Christian

ForeverAnimetriss wrote 394 days ago

This is a very interesting book you have here! I'm not exactly sure if I'm a fan of Riesa just yet. She reminds me of a stuck up city girl who has forgotten her roots. I'm curious to see how this all turns out. Keep up the good work! :)

ForeverAnimetriss wrote 394 days ago

This is a very interesting book you have here! I'm not exactly sure if I'm a fan of Riesa just yet. She reminds me of a stuck up city girl who has forgotten her roots. I'm curious to see how this all turns out. Keep up the good work! :)

J C Michael wrote 400 days ago

Hi Tamara,
I've just read your first two opening chapters and think this is a solid start and an interesting story so far. The style of writing everything from the point of view of your main character works well, although you do need to watch out for repetition of "I" did this and "I" did that in consecutive sentances. There are also a couple of other places where the same word crops up repeatedly and I think the story would be improved if things were mixed up a little. One example if this is the word "remember", try "recall", or "bring to mind", as alternatives.
Having said that this is a good read and should play well to a young adult audience if it continues in this vein. With a little bit of polishing you could certainly get this to a high enough standard to shoot up the rankings and I hope to see you achieve that and build upon the promise of what you have so far.
Highly starred for the strong narrative elements if the story and potential that this story seems to have.
Best wishes,
James

KoriBates wrote 403 days ago

I started reading the first chapter, but I had to stop. I love what your book is about and after skimming through some of it, it really is well written and catches my attention, but the first few paragraphs did nothing to draw me in. I do like the way you described her reactions to her boyfriend on the phone call and the dialogue between the two. Of course, these are just my opinions and you can take them for what they're worth. You have a knack for writing. I'll keep this on my watch list and come back to it.

TaniaJohansson wrote 403 days ago

Devil in the Details
Tamara Hickman

I loved this book. The story draws you in immediately and keeps you reading. Your writing is clear and flows very smoothly. No real grammar/spelilng mistakes that I spotted. Your characterisation is strong and you quickly feel empathy for your main protagonist.
You set the scene extremely well. You give details about the surroundings through story telling as opposed to having a paragraph dedicated to explaining what the room looks like.
I loved this and I am sure you will do extremely well with it.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Neville wrote 404 days ago

Devil in the Details.
By Tamara Hickman.


Riesa Grimshaw certainly got a shock as she as she arrived at the house her Grandad had left to her in his will.
It had always been well looked after while he was alive—a house to be proud of.
You describe well her feelings as she surveys what used to be her home as well as her Grandfather’s.
The out-of-bounds library...the secrecy of her Grandpa’s ways and his need for personal space where Riesla was concerned. That’s how I see him anyway, suddenly having to cope with a teenager around.
I like the way you take the reader around the house as Riesla removes the furniture covers and progresses up into the attic.
I was there as she delves into the chests and recovers items that she has no recollection of and yet can’t deny.
Photographs that are definitely her years ago, fail to register in her memory.
Then we have the diaries—her handwriting that’s for sure.
This is a story with a lot of mystery and suspense that’s only just starting with the first chapter.
It has an immense hook to it even at this early stage and that’s what counts if the book is to leave the bookshop shelves...I’m sure it will.
Many stars!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Thomas C. wrote 405 days ago

Tamara, you have a writing style that is very clear and concise, much like Charlaine Harris. It hypnotizes you and brings you into the story with good narrative. My suggestion: see if you can pump up at the opening sentence, grabbing us by the collar and making us sit up in the seat earlier. I'm big lover of horror, thriller and paranormal and I'm sure its some creepy stuff in Grandpa's old house. that you can use as a device-creepy spiders, house sounds etc. String the tension a little longer. Wishing for the running water is okay, but would she freak about the many legs of a hairy spider crawling up her neck, or an unexplained bloodstain that leads to somewhere or. . . nowhere, thats up to you. Overall I like it and will be reading more.

Thomas C.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 405 days ago

Tamara,
I found "Devil in the Details" an introspective book, long on narrative and short on dialogue, which goes well with the mood surrounding the story. Riesa, using the first person, takes us through a labyrinth of events unraveling the secrets of her grandfather's attic, in a way both engaging and intriguing. She is a sympathetic character one can only root for. Your conversational style is easy to digest and a delight to read. Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

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