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rank 1187
word count 81393
date submitted 07.04.2012
date updated 23.01.2013
genres: Literary Fiction, Historical Fictio...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Lord of All: The Legend of Richard and Anne

S. Lewis

Prince Richard and Lady Anne fall in love, but there can never be a match between them. Nobles do not marry for love.

 

Richard’s rival, King Philip of France finds that he, too, has feelings for Anne—but does he love her only because Richard does? As the characters try to navigate their way through conquest and crusade, they find that duty, honor, and chivalry can be harsh mistresses without regard for love. Can they survive the journey with their honor intact?

Lord of All is written in the tradition of a Medieval Romance but palatable to the modern reader. Human qualities of the historical characters in the book are exposed as they struggle through issues of love, sex, marriage, family, and make choices in situations where right or wrong are not clear.


 
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castles, chivalry, crusades, friendship, historical fiction, knight, legends, medieval, nobility, philip ii, richard i

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Chapters

17

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Chapter 16

 

Even though dawn approached, Taillebourg remained in bed, snoring loudly as he slept off the effects of the evening’s alcohol. The loud crash of stone hitting stone made him bolt upright. The sound resonated throughout the citadel, and the walls shook from the impact. Throwing on a dressing robe, Taillebourg ran from his bedroom.

His castellan met Taillebourg in the hallway. What is it? What has happened?

Taillebourg cried.

“My Lord, we are under attack.” The castellan strapped on his sword.

Is it Duke Richard? Taillebourg’s face turned pale.

His castellan could only nod.

Taillebourg turned and ran through the castle with the castellan in hot pursuit.

They rushed to the battlements and looked over the edge to see Richards siege machine lined up ready to attack. All about them, men scurried to prepare defenses for the castle.

Raymond joined them on the battlements, his face twisted into an eerie smile.Now it comes! Taillebourg made a gesture toward Richards forces.

“He is a fool to attack.” Raymond laughed. This citadel can never be taken.

Taillebourg turned on him. “Perhaps someone forgot to inform the duke of that little fact. Did he not try to make contact first?

Raymonds eyes flashed with excitement. Oh, yes. He sent an emissary late last night after you retired to bed. I refused to receive him.

You fool, you damn fool! I knew you were thick, but I had no idea it was this bad.” Taillebourg screeched.

Sir, the villagers are already pouring into the citadel! The castellan distracted

Taillebourg.

Well, if they’re not in by now, they are at the mercy of the Duke.” Taillebourg shouted orders. Fortify the main gate and prepare for a siege. In the meantime, Castile, you will send word to him that you mean to meet with him. Perhaps we can still end this with my castle intact.

No! I refuse to meet with him!” Raymond stamped his foot. Let him come; he does not stand a chance against you and your fortifications.

That is precisely it, Castile! This is my castle!” Taillebourg pinned Raymond with his stare, veins bulging in his neck. “You will send an emissary, or I will throw you from these walls and send your head as a gift to Duke Richard. You have waged war with my men and my castle. You have used me and played me for a fool. It ends now!

z

As Richard paced back and forth like a caged animal, Andrew, and Baldwin stood under a grove of trees a distance from Taillebourg castle, preparing to parlay with Taillebourg and Castile. Now, Richard, I know you want to kill him, and I do not blame you; however, you mustnt do anything rash.” Andrew rested his hand on the pommel of his sword.

Richard continued to pace. I think we have Taillebourgs attention. Let us use that to our advantage.

There. I see them in the distance.” Baldwin pointed to three figures on horseback.

Remember, they must meet every demand in order to avoid more aggression. Do not negotiate! Richard grumbled.

Within a few moments, Taillebourg, Raymond and the castellan dismounted and entered the grove of trees. Taillebourg nodded toward Richard. Duke Richard, we have come to discuss a peaceful outcome to this aggression.

Andrew took the lead. “My Lord appreciates your coming, Baron Taillebourg. He asked you here to make his demands formally known.

Taillebourg made a slight bow, narrowing his eyes at Richard’s arrogant expression. Andrew continued, “The duke demands that Lady Anne be released into his custody with the understanding that the Prince of Castile will not make any attempt to recover her. Taillebourg is to renew his oath of fidelity to the duke. In return, the duke is prepared to halt his attack on the castle. Also, he will graciously payoff Castile’s debts and pay for his safe passage home.

Taillebourg snorted. “We all know that Prince Raymond has no intention of returning home to Castile to wait in line behind his six brothers. He has more important matters to attend to in Marseilles. Perhaps I must remind you that the Lady Anne and Prince Raymond are now man and wife. He paused to watch his words hit their target. “Oh, oh, maybe you had not heard.

Take care, Taillebourg! Richard growled. “Either you release Lady Anne and benefit, or I will take possession of your properties. He pointed to Raymond. This craven lout is not worth the risk.

“And might I remind you, Sir, that as of yet you have failed to capture the citadel.

Try as you like, but your efforts will be for naught. Raymond gave Richard a contemptuous smile.

Richard scoffed at Raymond. By the by, Castile, what unfortunate event did your face meet? Perhaps Queen Boudica herself? Now, that is the handiwork of my Anne. Who needs a woman skilled at making tapestries when you have one who can do this?

By heaven and hell, she is no longer yours! Raymond stepped closer to Richard and taunted. For all your titles and your swaggering boasts, I have had the one thing you could not, and I have had it over, and over, and over again.

Richard lunged at Raymond but Baldwin and Andrew grapped him. Then we will take that as your answer.” Baldwin snarled at Taillebourg and Raymond.

I swear by all that is holy, if that is what it takes, I will see you in hell! Richard roared.

Taillebourg stuck his nose in the air, turned and left.  Raymond and the castellan followed.

Once they were out of hearing, Richard turned to his companions. The small village located at the foot of the fortress, destroy it. Also, have the boutefeux raze the vineyards and fields. Make sure those in the fortress must watch their property destroyed. I want to anger those inside, drawing the men out. Then, we will rush the castle walls.

z

Richards men destroyed everything in their path, the houses, the livestock, and crops. Due to the plentiful fires, a thick haze clung around the ruins of the little village.  They spared one small part of the village that would only take a mere afternoon to destroy. Richard meant to draw out the besieged villagers, the peasants who abandoned their village for the safety of the castle walls, who now watched helplessly from the battlements. 

Inside the castle walls, a grey doom settled on the inhabitants, many praying for a peaceful surrender. Taillebourg shut himself up in the keep and would not listen to the pleas of anyone. To him, surrender now was not an option. He didn’t wish to spend the rest of his days a prisoner of the duke.

Taillebourg sat alone at the head of his table as Raymond sheepishly approached him. When Richard destroyed the crops, he took a great risk. While he did destroy the livelihood of the peasants and a great deal of revenue for you, he also put his own troops in danger. If the siege lasts a long time, he has no means to feed his army. Baron, the duke is just trying to lure the men outside the gates.

Yes, well, I know a good many who are ready to go, Taillebourg snapped.

 “We…” Raymond swallowed hard. “You mustnt let them.

The baron inhaled deeply to launch a fresh verbal assault on Raymond, but his castellan rushed into the room. I beg your pardon, My Lord, but the sentinels have spotted something.

Turning his anger, Taillebourg barked, Well, what is it?

Duke Richard moved his camp. In his conceit, he placed it near to the walls.The castellan licked his lips as if the news aroused some kind of hunger in him.

What is his purpose? Taillebourg grumbled.

Its obvious! Raymond’s expression lightened. He plans to be close in order to facilitate a rush on the castle when the men come out to defend their property.Taillebourg responded with a disgusted grunt. Raymond continued, At last a stroke of luck. By moving his camp so close, he has made himself vulnerable to attack.

If I might, Sir, I have noted that the duke concentrates his efforts on destruction. He does this during the day forcing those inside the citadel to watch their property razed. At night his troops withdraw to their camp and all is quiet. Destruction is a taxing business, the castellan offered.

Taillebourg sat up straight as if lifted from a magical haze. I see! We should attack his camp at night while they sleep. He wouldnt expect us to come out from behind the safety of our walls.

Raymond turned on the castellan.Have your men spotted the exact location of the Dukes personal tent?

He nodded. Yes, I believe so, Sir.

If we enter the camp, we could capture the duke, and you could take a rebellious son to an appreciative father. With that cockered clodpole captured, I can be on my way to Marseilles, and you could have in your debt a very grateful king.” Raymond clapped his hands together.

z

In the thick of the night, Taillebourgs troops crept through Richard’s camp killing the first sentry who slept through his duty. If they looked more closely, they would have seen they slit the throat of a fresh corpse.

As Taillebourgs men penetrated deeper into the camp, through the rows of tents large and small, toward the center where Richard’s banner flew, they did not see Richard’s men lying in wait. When Taillebourg’s men penetrated far enough into the camp, one of Richards archers shot a flaming arrow into the air, the silent signal to attack. The crash of arms and men, screams and cries shattered the still night air.

Amongst Taillebourg’s men, a ragtag group of knights and peasants, chaos ensued.  Instinct called them back to the safety of the fortress.  They rushed to its main gate, flanked by the curtain wall like a mother arms open ready to engulf her children in a protective embrace.

Richard perched himself atop some rubble to get a better view.  His men rushed to prevent Taillebourg’s from entering the gates and closing the portcullis.  As he watchd, his army suddenly rolled back toward him like a wave.  Without hesitation, he leapt from his vantage point and rushed forward, his sword aloft, issuing a cry of Mont Joie.

At this, the wave of Richard’s men rolled back towards the castle and crashed through Taillebourg’s men like the ocean rushing into a ruptured sea wall.

z

As Taillebourg and Raymond waited in the keep for news from the battle, the castellan rushed in, “My Lord, they breached the main gate! The men are surrendering. Duke Richard is giving no quarter!

Raymond turned on Taillebourg. I thought you said this castles defenses would never break!

You stupid, simple fool! You have ruined me! Taillebourg screeched. I am going to flee before it is too late!

Without further explanation, Taillebourg grabbed a flambeau from the wall and headed to the dungeon below. He shouted for Raymond and the castellan to follow him. You will pay all you have promised me plus my losses here!

The dungeon, so Taillebourg called it, was actually little more than a large cavernous wine cellar. One small section was blocked off into a cell area, but Taillebourg rarely had occasion to use it. Anne was still locked behind the old rusty bars enbeded in a stone wall laced with trails of rusty water dripping to the floor behind a straw matress. Taillebourg headed straight for her, unlocked the cell, and bound her hands together. Well take her with us. We can use her as leverage if need be.Taillebourg pushed her at Raymond.

Castile tried to pull Anne along but she fought him. He struck her, and they grappled. Smashing Raymond’s wounded face with both her hands, Anne used her weight to pull away from him, and she slipped from his grasp, lost her balance, and slammed her head on the stone wall of the cell.

Unconscious, she crumpled to the floor.

Raymond screamed in pain and gasped, I think Ive killed her!

Taillebourg shook his head. Im leaving!

Raymond panicked. But how? Richard has us surrounded!

I have a secret passageway leading to the postern gate just beyond those wine barrels there. It goes to a cave that is well outside the walls. We can slip away unnoticed, but only if we hurry.

A large rope hung coiled on the wall, and Taillebourg slung it over his shoulder. As he turned and headed for the wine barrels, Raymond took one last look at Annes crumpled body on the floor and followed him.

z

In the courtyard above, Richard’s men now easily overcame the opposition. At the breach of the castle walls, most of Taillebourg’s contingent surrendered as fast as they could. Richard let his knights take them hostage. Looking around desperately trying to see something that would give him a clue as to the whereabouts of Anne, Raymond, or Taillebourg, Richard could only see the chaos of the battle before him. As he sprinted for the keep, he shouted above the noise to his men. “Find Lady Anne and bring me Castile!

When they entered the main hall, Taillebourgs servants fled before them like frightened deer. Baldwin disappeared to interrogate some of the captured servants, and Andrew left to search the bedchambers and tower rooms. Richard investigated the kitchen. There he found an old servant man cowering in the corner. Richard yanked the man to his feet. “Where is Lady Anne de Marseilles?

The old man bowed his head in supplication. I dont know, M’lord.

Richard pointed his sword straight at the mans heart. Listen very carefully. I have killed for less offense than this, so think really hard because when you take your last breath depends entirely on your answer. Now, I ask you again, where is Lady Anne?

Honest, M’lord, none of us has seen her since before the castle was attacked.

The old servant shook his head in desperation.

Where is your master keeping her? Richard demanded.

The servant dropped to his knees and pleaded, Mercy! I dont know! I dont know!

As both Andrew and Baldwin rushed into the kitchen, Baldwin shouted, Taillebourg has a secret tunnel, a posturn gate that leads beyond the walls to a cave. The entrance to the tunnel is located in the dungeons, and Anne is probably with them.

It’s true. Its true. I used to serve the Barron’s father as groomsman.” The old man cupped his hands together as if in prayer.

Richard turned back to the servant. Do you know where the tunnel is?

The wide-eyed man nodded. It has been a long time, but I think I could find it.

Andrew cut in, Richard, we havent much time. They set fire to the keep.

Follow me, M’lords. The servant motioned.

They entered the dungeons and ran past the cell where Anne lay unconscious.

The servant stopped. You must go behind the largest barrel of wine.

As they all began looking around for the large barrel of wine, Baldwin spotted Anne lying on the ground. “Richard!

Richard rushed to her, and knelt beside her leaning his ear close to her mouth. The smoke from the fire above began to wind its way through the dungeon.

She is still breathing, Richard cried out. Anne! Anne! Can you hear me?

The fire is spreading; we must get her out! Andrew warned.

If I remember right, the other end of the passageway is locked by a heavy door or gate. Surely my master would have locked it behind him. Even if it is unlocked, we would need a rope. If we go that way, we could be trapped.

Then we shall go back the way we came.” Richard scooped up Anne.

They entered the kitchen again, this time Baldwin leading the way. The fire spread rapidly as tapestries, rugs, and dry wooden floors layered with rushes ignited in flames. The old servant aided them as they dodged falling timbers and groped their way through the smoke to the courtyard.

With Taillebourg’s men being captured or killed and frightened villagers running to and fro, the courtyard was in chaos. Richard and the others finally made their way through the melee, and they continued their flight until they were outside the fortress walls where they were a safe distance away. Gently, Richard placed Anne on the ground.

Fetch me some water or something!” Richard panicked.

They all looked around, and Andrew noticed a large horse nearby lazily grazing, oblivious to the destruction around it. Various accoutrements hung from its saddle. Running to the horse, he found a flask. Quickly, he brought it back to Richard. Richard removed his gloves and tilted Anne’s head back. As he pressed the flask to her lips, her eyes flickered, and she moaned.

 

Chapters

17

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Seringapatam wrote 58 days ago

The authors of the next three I am reading have not been on the site for a while but I feel that if I am reading them then I should comment on them. This one in particular reads very well and I think may do well. It is so well written and researched too. Nice flow, great characters and brilliant narrative. I enjoyed this and if the author came onto the site and pushed it, I can see it doing well.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Patty Apostolides wrote 193 days ago

Historical Fiction Review:
Chapters 1-6

This is a superbly written story, and so well researched that I felt as if I were there, taking all this in. The characters were very realistic with their hopes, dreams, and fears. The setting felt authentic and the details utilized all my senses.

I really liked Lady Anne, with her sensibilities, her wit, and her virtuous character. I also liked Richard and his growing love for her. He was sensitive to her wishes and caring enough to see that she was well after Raymond's nasty treatment of her.

I have placed it on my WL and look forward to reading the rest of the story.

I have given it a well deserved six stars, and will back soon. It deserves the Editor's Desk, for sure.

Best,
Patty
The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

HGridley wrote 282 days ago

Chapter One:
The appeal to the senses is very good. I also like the personification of the castle leering down at him and mocking him.
The detail of defending a castle made of butter = classic!
All the details are very well researched, and it’s like I’m actually there.
“the castellan, Roger de Lacy surrendered…” there should be another comma after “Lacy”
What is the meaning of the random Y?
The idea of a king grieving at a grave after a great victory is very intriguing. Great end to the first chapter; I want to keep reading on.
I’ve got lots to do, so I’ll return at another day to read more. Great beginning! You’ve begun on the right foot, and the tone you set is really absorbing. I like it. Often Medieval work is cliché and pat, and here you’ve given it life and color.
~Hannah

Eftborin wrote 321 days ago

Aha...you like medieval as i do. I think it was the wish of every school boy in my school-going days to be either Robin Hood or Richard Coeur de Lion. Of course as i do like that period in world history, detail to actual history are important. I like it and will read more...you may find mine an interesting read.
Pat

Shelby Z. wrote 344 days ago

This is a unique book on this site. There aren't many medieval books on here.
I like the way you write.
I think in the first chapter there is a ton of information, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good because we know where your coming from, but bad in that it could be too dry for some readers.
Anyways, I think that you develops this well and have a good use of words.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Egon R. Tausch wrote 344 days ago

Hist.Fict. Readers Grp
Dear Ms. J,

I wanted to continue reading your MS, but felt that too much time between chapters would hurt the flow, so I re-read from the start through ch 12. Will read on soon. Your story is moving swimmingly, and you have not compromised your historical setting as so many novels do. We are learning to think as they did. The suspense is building. I am, of course, now backing your book. A few nitpicks:

Ch 11:
----Computer glitch in lines of separation between "Richard and" and "Geoffrey have their lands...".
----"There is too great of risk of you being killed..." Suggest first "of" be changed to "a".

Ch 12:
----"Yes, yes, I am fully aware of that you have told the Queen." Something's wrong with this sentence.
----A few lines later you either need to run two paragraphs in dialogue together, or use a quotation mark before "You realize that once you give yourself to Richard...".
----3 more computer glitches, where your paragraphs are cut in half: "Besides, if I may be so bold...", "I do not pursue a marriage with Richard, nor will I..." and "Now I know that, I cannot release you."
----People probably had at least a version of "pain in the ass", but it can't help but strike readers as modern slang.
----You need a quote mark before "You know I trust them completely." or combine it with the previous paragraph. (Your paragraphs tend to be awfully short, anyway; short paragraphs tend to add a transparently false excitement.)
----"I guess I shall see you in..." "Guess" sounds slangy; suggest "Shall I see you in Poitiers then?"

Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

Egon R. Tausch wrote 368 days ago

Hist.Fict.Readers Grp
Dear Ms J,

Have finally finished ch's 6-9 of your MS (I was delayed by trying to get back all my backings which Authonomy arbitrarily dropped). Queen Eleanor is very well portrayed; just as she comes across in history. Your plot is moving along very well. I am glad that you continue the history, and don't let it degenerate into just a modern love story. You have certainly done your research, and your writing style is spot on. I expect to put you on my shelf when I have read a little further. I hope you don't mind nitpicks; the ones below are interspersed with praise.

Ch 6:
"stonewalls" -- -- should be two words.
Typo: "...room where her favorite" -- -- should be "were"
"When the tapestries...truly home." -- -- One of the best lines on Authonomy; tells us volumes about the tapestries and Eleanor.
Paragraph beginning "Eleanor stopped pacing..." -- -- you go back and forth between Henry's, and it is difficult, since you have never before mentioned Henry II, to tell whether you are talking about father or son. This again occurs in your 3 paragraphs "Ah, but do not forget Louis...to meet Louis in Paris." You mention "Henry", father or son [?], 5 times, all mixed.
"Richard wonderd why..." -- -- should be "wondered"

Ch 7:
Your part on the chest called "the Reliquary..." is brilliant detail, without detracting from the action.
"Three maybe four hours..." -- -- suggest comma after "Three".
"Henry never, nor would he ever..." -- -- suggest comma after "ever".
Typo: last line in ch -- -- "grateaful" -- -- should be "grateful".

Ch 8:
"I arrest you in the name of the king Henry." -- -- suggest you drop "the", but capitalize "King".
Last line, suggest comma after "Channel".

Ch 9:
Suggest that you indicate to the reader that you have moved back to the narrative started in your Prologue. I, for one, had forgotten that Broase was telling the story.
"Soon enough, believe you me,..." -- -- last phrase is modern slang.
"Richard grumped..." -- -- is there such a word? A cross between "grumbled" and "harrumphed"?
"...sons put together haphazardly" -- -- strikes me as slangy. "Matilda's husband..." -- -- should be combined with previous paragraph. I would be very confused about the family relationships described by Geoffrey if I weren't a historian of the period.
You imply that William the Marshal is not only fickle in his loyalties but promiscuous with women. I've read 2 biographies of William, and there is no evidence of either characteristic.
You drop the death of Rosamond like a bomb, apparently well after the fact.

Ch 10:
"exchequer" means "from the chequered hall" (the English Treasury). Drop the "ex" if you mean a different hall.
"When it came time..." -- -- you again have "exchequer", and "brimed" for "brimmed"; and I doubt a thousand knights could be in attendance in any hall that isn't a major cathedral.
You mention an "empty plate" -- -- Didn't they still use hollowed out loaves ("trenchers") instead of plates?
"Eleanor convinced..." -- -- I would put "had" after "Eleanor".
"No, I apologize." -- -- suggest comma be a period.
Three paragraphs later -- -- you again use "exchequer", again.
Next paragraph -- -- you have the word "stopped" with 3 p's.
"a frantic wrapping" -- -- should be "rapping".
"...to grab his hand again, but he caught it." -- -- Caught what?
Second time Richard says "God's leg" -- -- suggest you change it (God's wounds?).

Despite all my nitpicks, you are a great story-teller. Will continue reading.

Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

Andrew Hughes wrote 387 days ago

(Historical Fiction group)

Hi Ms J,

I read the first three chapters and really enjoyed the story.

It’s a very vivid opening. I’m not sure you need the line: ‘As he closed his eyes to compose himself, he remembered in detail…’ and so on. You can just tell of the siege, the reader will know it’s the back-story. It would avoid you having to keep saying the description of the siege is Charles’s memory. Also, I don’t think Charles would have snickered to himself given the situation.

You describe action very well, like the catapult rocks hitting the walls, or the men spitting out the spray in the drain.

Occasionally you repeat words and phrases close together, which can chime a bit, but that’s easily fixed. I’d also try to use less exclamation points. It would help the speech sound more natural.

I like the portraits of Eleanor and Anne in Ch 1. And the characters and interactions at the banquet are well described. Raymond’s proposal to Richard in the next chapter is perfectly vile. I think it’s often best to use ‘said’ to describe speech, rather than words like ‘chided’ or ‘snapped’.

There’s no need to repeat your short pitch in the longer one. I think you could use the long pitch to give more details of the plot, as it’s quite a big book.

Overall this is a very good piece of historical fiction. Highly starred.

Best of luck with it,
Andrew.
The Morning Drop

jlbwye wrote 388 days ago

Lord of All. A Hist.Fict. read. Your short pitch is succinct, and rouses interest, but you do not need to repeat the concept in the long pitch. Instead, use the words to build up the characters and their emotions, with the broad sweep of your plot, perhaps?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind?

Ch.1. Prologue. Great choice of words - 'profane stench', compounded by the vomiting later on. This is a striking opening for your book.

Do you want nits?
There are some vague / unnecessary words which spoil the flow of a story: rather, certainly, seemed to (Ch.2) just, rather.

And words repeated too often / too close together can jar on a descerning editor. Charles, breath/ing, rope, grave (Ch.2) Poitiers, court, count/ess.

You reveal some history and back-story through Charles's thoughts. Good technique.
For a moment there, I was thinking Charles had let out the chapel - not his breath - perhaps exhaled?

Yes - I, like Broase, think Charles is being brash and insensitive. Maybe he was lucky to get away with it!
So. A tale within a tale. A well contrived Prologue.

Ch.2. (Auth). You create a bustling, charming scene and introduce the practical Eleanor and the lovable Anne in an easy style.
Although it passes in the real world, such repetitions in dialogue as 'not to worry' are inadvisable on the printed page.
The dialogue between Anne and Millicent flows easily and naturally, while revealing more of their characters and advancing the story.
Promise of an appropriately romantic scene provides a hook to draw the reader on.

Ch.3. Oh - I wish to have more of their first intimations of love, but you have jumped over the episode.
However, you have captured their gaiety well in the repartee between Anne and Richard.
And that is a sudden, unsavoury action on Raymond's part.

Ch.4. A strong, enthralling beginning to this chapter. And enlightening, for I know very little of the time and customs of your period.
'Love is not the issue here, duty and honour are.'
Dont you mean Richard waited on the bench where he had seen Anne reading her letter the first time they met?

This romantic story is developing well in the tradition of historical fiction, between the folds of weightier matters.
I enjoy the light humour of their blossoming love, and the characters are coming alive against a background of heavy tradition.

Lots of stars.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

ceejezoid wrote 389 days ago

Hist Fiction Forum Review:

This is my first official review for the historical fiction forum. I picked yours as you seem to have given a lot more reviews than you have received!!!

Right, so. This is not a period of history I really know anything about. Mention Richard and John to me and the best I can do is Robin Hood! Probably a good thing, for review purposes, as I can be a bit of a control group for readers who don't know the back story.

I'm enjoying the plot. Read chapters 1-5, and Richard and Anne's relationship is shaping up well. She's got a mind of her own, she is sympathetic, she's strong willed. Richard seems a bit knee-weakening and swoony, so all good. Raymond is a great scoundral to set them off! The descriptions of his singing, or rather the listeners' reactions, were highly amusing!

I like the rumours and scandals circulating round court, its really breathing life into your settings and seems to fit with other stories from similar periods I've read, or at least my imagination of the period! The set up of Richard's pre-engagement and Anne's wealth (but presumned inability to inherit straight off, as she is a woman?) promises lots of great conflict.

The prologue is good, but a little info-heavy. I don't think you need so much about the siege, especially if you will be returning to it later. The horrible toilet shaft and the guarding of the grave in the chapel are, however, an intruiging start and a good hook for getting into the story.

Couple of little things:

Chapter one features noses quite prominently! Not sure if you were aware, but you describe at least 4 noses in the one chapter. Doesn't seem to happen again in what I have read.

I think there should be a break between Eleanor's first conversation with Anne and the start of the feast to clarify the time/location shift.

Right at the start of chapter 5 you use sleep twice in about 3 lines - "sleep still clung to their fumbling hands"(love this)..."sleep-ruffled hair"

Thoroughly enjoyable, have some stars!

Egon R. Tausch wrote 393 days ago

Hist. Fict. Forum Review
Dear S. Lewis, Your Prologue and first 4 ch's and half of 5 are outstanding. I am writing as a professional historian. Thank God you haven't fallen for the revisionists who claim that Richard was homosexual, on no real evidence. Your descriptions of chivalric customs of the time are spot-on (especially the "courts of love"). Your writing is formal enough, without being archaic. I do think that the last part of the ch 5 is a bit too modern, and not oblique enough (even kings followed the prevailing rules of seduction). Also, I doubt Anne would have been too worried about pregnancy: Kings and dukes rarely failed to ennoble their illegitimate children, especially if the mother was a rich Lady. Richard was well aware that he was a direct descendant, and owed his claim to the crown to being so, of William the Conqueror -- -- formerly, "Duke William the Bastard". Richard also had such a passionate view, and had the ability, to conquer far more lands, of which much would have gone to any bastards. Finally, his hatred of his brother John was such that he would have named any son, legitimate or not, his heir to the royal throne. The Middle Ages are chock-full of bastards who became earls, dukes, and even kings. And, of course, Richard finally had no heirs, of any sort, except his hated brother. (And he had William the Marshal, the greatest knight in Europe, to protect his child until he was grown.) Marshal with his army loyally and successfully protected 3 successive totally different named heirs to the throne, the last one a child, against all opposing powers. You might at least hint at some of this, in a line or two about bastardy at the time, for verisimilitude. Also, his protestation to that effect, would make the scene more in keeping with his character, and eye on the crown, rather than only sliding into a modern love scene. I'm sure I'll enjoy the rest of your book greatly, when I can get to it. You know your period very, very well, and are a great plot writer. 6 stars. Bookshelf soon.

"He is the sixth in line for the succession...Philip, Juan the cook, the master at arms, the pigs, the horses..." One of the best sentences I have read on Authonomy.

I only list nitpicks for outstanding MS's:

Prologue:
Broase shuts the same door twice in 4 lines.

Ch 1:
"...radiated more than some half her age." -- -- add "women" or "ladies" after "some".
"Like most noble women, Marie's father..." -- -- antecedent doesn't match subject of the sentence.
"She is the heir of the Viscount de Marseilles..." -- -- you have "wealth" and "wealthy" in 3 lines. Change one to "rich"?
"...she tried to stiffle her laughter." -- -- stifle?

Ch 2:
"Later in the week, a joust occurred." -- -- Would suggest a more active verb. "...came the joust."?

Ch 3:
Castile's friend refuses to answer a question which would reveal his principal. Then a bit later he gives Castile away by mentioning his mercenary motive. -- -- might add something like "He blurted, before realizing the consequences." It seems the whole court learned who the parties were due to that indiscretion.

Ch 5:
"...her lady Marguerite who she sent for some wine." -- -- should be "whom".

Great job,
Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

P.S. Please read my MS and give me brutally honest comments.

earthlover wrote 398 days ago

Read through chapter 5. I admire the attention to detail and time that comes with writing an historic novel. I especially enjoyed the exchange of the flower on the morning ride. She'd been tearing them apart one at a time, but she didn't tear the petals off that one. Lovely!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

earthlover wrote 400 days ago

Read the prologue. I love the idea of a soldier crawling through what is basically a sluice pipe, into a church to guard a grave. WOW! The contrast between the sewer and the church, the fact that they had to break the church glass, the battle, the King, wanting to be alone with the grave of his beloved. So far this is an awesome epic story. I've already given it high stars and will read on.

Adeel wrote 401 days ago

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive and realistic with vivid description and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Ms. J wrote 402 days ago

Kate,
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read. I sincerely appreciate your comments. I've wondered about the opening scene myself. I do use Father Broase and Charles to help move the plot along as the book covers so many years. I'm still debating what to do with that. I will keep reading yours. Today was just insane and I couldn't get back to it. (Grrrrrrr!)

Cheers,
Ms. J

Ms. J wrote 402 days ago

Jack,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I really appreciate it. I also very much appreciate your comments. I've got your book on my watch list, and I will be reading it tomorrow. I meant to today, but things got crazy with a couple of students today and I ended up in meetings until late this evening.

Thanks again, Ms. J

katemb wrote 402 days ago

Hist Fict Review

Hi,
I have read and thoroughly enjoyed this up to the end of chapter 5. I'm enjoying the story of Anne and Richard very much. It reminds me of Katherine by Anya Seyton. I think you've got the pace of the story just right.
I had a couple of questions, rather than any suggestions.
Do you need the opening scene? I found the story of Charles climbing up into the castle was a little heavy on back story and didn't feel it added anything to my reading of the story, knowing that Richard and Anne are dead (I mean obviously they are dead now, but in the fictional world of your book they are not!)
How old was Richard I at the opening of the book? I wondered if a little more explanation of Eleanor's marriages would be appropriate and wanted to know what dates the court at Poitiers took place.
And lastly, I have a slight believability issue about Anne's conduct and Eleanor encouraging her to meet Richard. I enjoyed those parts tremendously so it was only a minor worry!
I'll give this lots of stars and keep it on my watch list for now. It's the kind of story I'd happy buy and read.
Best,
Kate

Jack1761 wrote 403 days ago

Hist. Fict. Read -- I hope I'm doing this right ;o)

I have read to chapter 3 so far, and I am greatly enjoying it. The time period is one that I don't know much about, but you do give good descriptions (if anything, I think you could be even more descriptive of the surroundings, fashions etc.) and seem to be comfortable with the period as such. The way the characters speak is perhaps a little too informal on occasion - expressions like "carry on" or when Eleanor says "...the lady in question is perhaps a bit too much for the knight..." (Ch. 3) sound off to me in the context of the time period.

The story itself certainly has the makings of an epic love story! The character of Anne is very likeable and well-drawn, and Richard is also shaping up. Anne's dilemma of facing a marriage of convenience instead of a love match is becoming very clear.

I will definitely keep on reading!

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