Book Jacket

 

rank 5849
word count 49540
date submitted 10.04.2012
date updated 14.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Religious, Comedy
classification: moderate
complete

Who, me? Dead?

Michael Stevenson

Paul is killed in a road accident. In death he discovers the truth about what his children think of him - it isn't pretty.

 

My book is about a man who in life had no care for anyone except himself,but in death found he had four children to cope with, and no idea how to manage them. Luckily he has others on hand to help him, and from them Paul learns he can be a good father - sometimes. His trials and tribulations as he staggers through this second life life are both funny and sad, but think kindly of him because being a parent is not easy - especially when you are dead. I am sure lots of people have wondered, at some time in their lives, whether someone is watching over them. Did you make a decision that changed your life, saved your life - or had one of those feel good moments and you couldn't explain why? It could be Paul or one of his friends helping you out.

 
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tags

, afterlife, parenting, religion, society

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Chapters

18

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Chapter 18

 

The girl’s name was Dawn and I had done her a disservice as far as her age was concerned - she was only 23. She lived in the flat above the Newsagents where she worked and as far as I could tell, she didn’t have a boyfriend. Her parents lived on the other side of the town, and she had a younger brother who was away at University. I haven’t worked out why she was working in a Newsagent, particularly when she has a brother in higher education, but I will get around to that soon. She worked a long day – from 7 in the morning till 7 at night – but was always cheerful and looked as though she enjoyed the job. Her boss, Mr Carter, a man in his 60s, and his wife also worked in the shop, but Dawn was the one who did most of the hard graft. In the week I watched her, she went out once with a girlfriend to the cinema, had half a lager on the way home, and was asleep before her head hit the pillow – which was the case whether she went out or not; this girl worked hard.

 

I decided there and then she would do for my boy. With that decision made I went to work on Sean to go back to the shop. It was some distance away from the flat, but one day, when I knew the sun would be shining, and she would be breaking for lunch, I managed to get them both in the park I had noticed before. It was then quite simple; as they closed in on each other from opposite directions I pinged the bell on a young lad’s bike, they both turned while walking, and collided with each other. God I am good!

 

Sean was the first to speak. ‘Sorry, I thought I was about to get mowed down.’

 

Dawn laughed. ‘So did I, but I was thinking more by a bike, not a man!’

 

I do believe Sean blushed. ‘Are you OK?’

 

‘Yes, don’t worry, I’m fine.’ She pushed her hand through her hair as she spoke, and the gesture, though simple, seemed quite erotic.

 

Now I had primed Sean before the collision to expect someone he knew, and right on cue he said:

 

‘Don’t I know you?’

 

She looked at him quizzically. ‘I don’t think so. Mind you I meet a lot of people. I work in a shop and sometimes it’s hard for me to keep track of who’s who.’

 

While this was going on I was chanting, ‘Newsagent, newsagent’, and again Sean must have got the message.

 

‘Yes now I remember, you work in the Newsagents. I was there last week moaning about my sister. You had the decency to listen to me, and you cheered me up.’

 

‘Oh yes, I remember, hadn’t you bought her some cleaning stuff for her flat?’

 

‘That’s right. Boy, I’ll never make that mistake again, I can tell you.’

 

They both laughed, and then she said she had to get back to work. Bless him; Sean said exactly what I would have said.

 

‘Oh, OK then see you about.’

 

I despaired. ‘No Sean, NO. Ask her her name my lovely boy, quickly before you let her go.’

 

Then just as she turned away, he did.

 

‘By the way, what’s your name?’

 

‘My name? Mmmm, I don’t normally tell strangers my name.’

 

‘We’re not exactly strangers. You’ve already met me before today – and given me good advice. Anyway, if we had collided while driving, you would have to tell me your name. Wouldn’t you?’

 

She smiled. ‘Good point. I’m Dawn, and who are you?’

 

‘Sean.’

 

‘Get away.’

 

‘No honest, my name is Sean.’

 

She looked at him with a half smile on her face, ‘Sean and Dawn. A bit of poetry there. Well Sean nice to have met you.’

 

‘And you. He held out his hand and she laughed again as she took it.

 

‘Er, do you come here often then?’

 

This time she laughed out loud and this time I was sure, Sean blushed.

 

‘I think my Grandad used that line to chat up my Grandma at the local dancehall, but yes, I do come here – if the sun is shining. I have my lunch over there on that bench.’ She pointed to one of the wooden park benches. ‘Now I really must be going. Bye Sean.’

 

‘Bye Dawn.’

 

She walked off and he stood there with his mouth open, a smile slowly spreading across his face. As she reached the gate she turned to give him a wave, and his face could have lit up the darkest of nights.

 

The next day my window was open at 6 o’clock. From the very start I was planting seeds in Sean’s brain to go and have lunch with Dawn. I knew the weather was going to be good and there was a fair chance she would be in the park. As I spent the time talking to Sean, I listened in on Dawn, and now and again I went off to see what Kathleen and Jess were doing. All were fine and eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, lunchtime came and Sean was on his way. This was exciting stuff, and yes I know I could have leapt forward an hour to see what happened, but I wanted real time. He had made an effort in his turnout and looked well when he entered the park, but Dawn wasn’t on the bench. He looked a bit forlorn, but I reassured him she was still working in the shop. At the same time I patted him on the shoulder, and do you know what – he turned around! I’m sure he felt it; he brushed his shoulder as if something had touched him and I immediately called,

 

‘It was me my Darling boy. It was your Dad.’

 

I had never felt so positive, and I wished that Liz could have been there to see me. But nevertheless, I had done it, I had touched my boy.

 

‘Hello Sean, fancy seeing you here.’

 

We both looked up, and there she was. Now my eyes could have been deceiving me, particularly after such a momentous occasion, but you know she looked lovely. Her eyes were brighter, her hair was brushed, her lips shone, but there was more than that, almost an inner peace that flowed from her.

 

Sean smiled, and blushed. ‘I was just walking by, and thought I would have a rest in this beautiful sunshine. Were you following me then?’

 

Dawn laughed as she sat down ‘You should be so lucky. Where’s your lunch?’

 

‘Ah, would you believe me if I said I ate it.’

 

‘No I wouldn’t. You haven’t brought any, have you?’

 

‘Let’s just say it went out of my mind. But you go ahead, I’ll watch.’

 

‘Sounds like I’m a sideshow to gawp at! Here, you can have some of mine. I would hate to see a grown man drool - anyway I’ve got enough for the both of us.’

 

As they ate there was a silence between them, but not an awkward silence. It was as if they knew they had all the time in the world - and maybe they had.

 

I remember when I met my second wife Tracy; I fell in love with her within two minutes of talking to her. It wasn’t anything I did or she said, it was just love, and there was a calmness, mixed with this powerful emotion, which swept the two of us along. That first time was enough to tell me I would love her for the rest of my life, and you know, I did. Sad that that love wasn’t able to keep us together but, as the song says, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

 

I knew it would soon be the end of the day for me, but I wasn’t worried, Sean and Dawn were alright together, and they didn’t need me interfering. Sean had some big questions to answer; about being in prison, a job, his prospects and the like, but I would help him as much as I could. For once, I didn’t think it was going to be just me doing the helping, I had a strong feeling that Dawn would be there as well, and her influence would be even stronger than mine.

 

As they were arranging their next meeting I heard Joseph saying the session was coming to a close. My window faded away and I, metaphorically speaking, patted myself on the back for a job well done. I floated over to where Aqeel and Hui were chatting unable to take the grin off my face, or stop myself from telling them of the day. Life was good – or should I say Death!

 

 

Chapters

18

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AudreyB wrote 318 days ago

Hi, Michael – this is your review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

Apologies again for taking so long to read your book.

I like your short pitch—it gives me a good idea what I’m about to read. (I assume.) I think you can cut “My book is about…” from the LP, though. I think you have an unusual and interesting vision for your book, and you need your pitch to get it across to us.

“Joseph laughed again, he had a weird sense of humor – though I’m not sure we saw the funny side of it.” This is correctly punctuated thus: “Joseph laughed again. He had a weird sense of humor—though I’m not sure we saw the funny side of it.”

I like how our MC must reconcile his indifference toward his family. The scene of his wife crying as she identified his body gives us a good idea of how poorly he related to his family. He reveals just enough regret for me to sympathize with him while simultaneously cursing him for his behavior.

Your MS’s thoughts and reactions become vital to the story here in the second chapter. I think I’d have liked to see more of his confusion as he hears about how his children have fared in response to his abdication of fatherhood.

As I finish this second chapter I feel like the first chapter kept me from the real action a bit too long. Perhaps we could see more of your MC as he enters the betting shop? Maybe hear more of his thoughts, witness a conversation with the bookie? He’s a complicated and interesting man, and I think we need to see a bit of his charm and personality so that we continue to like him. Because once we meet his eldest children, we don’t like him much.

Liz’s life story is fascinating. I wonder if it deserves more ink? Rather than telling us her story, allow her to describe it in greater detail.

I am much more engaged in your story at the end of chapter 2 than I was at the end of chapter 1.

I read through about the middle of Chapter 4.

Overall, this is, as I suspected, an interesting and clever story idea. I like the challenge you present to Paul and am sufficiently curious to know how he’ll resolve his many problems. I think you could improve the manuscript by doing more showing than telling. We need to watch some scenes unfold and make our own conclusions about what is happening. Given the theme of your work, that we must do the best we can during our time on earth, it’s even more important that you avoid ‘telling’ because your book will sound like one big lecture.

I encourage you to publicize your book a bit more. Do more reads and get more return comments. This book could easily get higher in the rankings with some good PR.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Antonius Metalogos wrote 377 days ago

I have read the first chapter and have enjoyed it very much. I have decided to back it because it seems to deserve a great deal of attention. I'm looking forward to reading more of this excellently written book. I will rate it then but I'm sure it will be starred very highly.

TDonna wrote 381 days ago

I think what fascinates me about your book is Paul's transformation. There's compassion, there's regret, there's the thirst to make things right, there's concern. You made me chuckel writing "I felt like crying, but I'm not sure if crying is allowed in Middlesome." Your gift to address really deep aspects of life with just the right infusion of humor makes it such a delight to read and yet, you walk away pondering the lessons you've imparted in each chapter. Great writing, Michael! One more chapter to go and I'd like to go through it once more, taking my time, when I return from a trip back West. I gave it six stars and it deserves 10!
Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Olga13 wrote 381 days ago

AFTER LIFE with Liam Nelson and Christina Ricci...That is how I pitch your book.
Although, as i am reading it ...there is lots of humour...dialogues - is well done.
Very well described and written...Formatting not comment.
the book start well and now i am interesting how it will end...
I have scored you 6 because it well deserved... with such great of imagination...
Olga13

Olga13 wrote 388 days ago

done it is on my WL...will et back to you for honest feedabck and scoring... olga13

TDonna wrote 389 days ago

When I thought it would be a very sad chapter, you succeeded to bring chuckles. You have a gift that few of us can claim. The depth of the issues you are addressing is dashed with subtle humor. Although your character realizes the seriousness, he doesn't take himself seriously and yet he yearns to "nudge" in the right direction. I am impressed. This is really a brilliant work with a unique characteristic of getting readers to ponder life's issues while enjoing a great read. Michael, it's a true pleasure to read your book.
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

TDonna wrote 391 days ago

I laughed, too, along with your characters at the end of 11 . . . "why didn't you stick to 3 pints?" This is very interesting, Michael. I am curious to see where you're going with this. So far, the chapters have great endings that maintain curiosity.
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

M.T.H wrote 391 days ago

Just finished reading the first Chapter; very good, nice and pacey, I'll certainly read on.

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 394 days ago

I can't wait to find out what Paul sees in his window! This is a very good first chapter. I love the distinction between earthly emotions and those felt by the souls in Middlesome. I look forward to reading more. The afterlife is very creatively imagined! Great so far.

Elizabeth Buhmann
The Made-Up Man (http://www.authonomy.com/books/41698/the-made-up-man/)

TDonna wrote 395 days ago

Ch 10 - this story is so well written and so meaningful, serious thoughts without severity, it's great :)
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

TDonna wrote 398 days ago

Really enjoyed reading ch 6. The story development continues to intrigue me and now I am anticipating how you'll go about it. I liked the part where you write, "He reminded me of me when I was a lad. But when I thought about that, I also made my mind up not to let him turn out like me if I could help it."
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Cyrus Hood wrote 399 days ago

Nice concept and a bright, clear style that will appeal to readers of most genres. Could not fault your grammar or spelling and I think the pacey format works well. Just a quick note in my coffee break. I will come back later. well done.

regards

Cyrus - Hellion 2

TDonna wrote 401 days ago

Your approach in writing this story is fascinating, and that is not an exaggeration. Ch 5 was both serious and humorous...can't explain it, but the rock hitting the coffin and the reaction was funny. I don't know if you meant it that way, but this is amazing. At the same time it makes the reader ponder a serious matter, you lift the pressure with an injection of humor. I love it :)
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

panos wrote 403 days ago

Thank you Michael, I enjoyed reading Who, me? Dead?
An easy read that does not use clever sounding words to be sensational.

Wishing you the luck you deserve.

Panos

TDonna wrote 403 days ago

I am impressed. This flows beautifully. Great dialogue. Impeccable editing. It is an absolute joy to read.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

TDonna wrote 404 days ago

I don't know how you do it! You had me chuckling while you write about the afterlife and serious aspects of life! Your characters' interaction is so smart, it's amazing :) I'm so excited to have discovered your book and can't wait to read on.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Scott Toney wrote 404 days ago

{Who me? Dead?}

Michael,

What a cool concept and premise! I actually began to read your work without reading the premise and loved the fact that this is set up as a form of purgatory and that here people are made to actually have a relationship with or pay attention to their children! Just the other day I was having a conversation with someone about how it bothers me so much that people don't take time for their children, one of the most amazing things in the world. I really liked that the people were now heads as well. Something else that is great about your work is the way you infuse comedy in to it. You had me smiling the whole time I was reading, especially when I read that the three doors are Heaven, Hell and Recycling! This is a well written, unique and enjoyable book. I've gladly given it six stars and have watchlisted it so that I can return soon for more!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thank you so much for supporting The Ark of Humanity as it heads toward the top 5 and for reading part of my book! I look forward to returning soon!

TDonna wrote 405 days ago

Ch 2 for me was amazing. I found it a great mix of subtle humor and serious thought, from a distant sense in your character's description of the tragic accident to discovering the reactions of those in his life to meeting the other characters similarly positioned. Great introduction of all the characters, too. I really like it! It flows well. It is impeccably written. Will be back tomorrow for more and you've got a well deserved 6 stars from me.
Donna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Officer Fuzzy wrote 405 days ago

Hey, read to chapter four for now.
The Title: A great title. It captures the story in three easy words and it's memorable as well.
The Pitch:
I don't like the "this is my first novel" bit in the hook and in the paragraph, kind of ruins the pitch for me. Maybe take it on at the very end, or put it in your profile. Otherwise, it's not a bad pitch.

I love the feeling of this story, the idea, concept, and the POV it's told from. The characters are interesting, the descriptions are sparse, but in a good way, the narrative isn't bogged down.
I love Joseph. He's a fun character and just little comments show how sort of wise he is. For example on the first page, talking about the way Paul died, "Very traumatic for the poor driver--only a young man."
This just conveys how old, wise, a bit business-orientated, but understanding the character is.

I love the details about having more or less children than one would expect.

Watching Paul's family react to his death was very sad. Sad to see his wife react that way, and sad to see his kids lack of reaction. It really shows what k ind of person he's been. Just their comments. Paul is a well-rounded character, and he has a lot of kids...
I like Liz, and I like how you manage to keep her outdated, but not too outdated.

One thing, and this is might be my own thing, but I don't like all the exclamation marks. They feel cheesy to me when used often and I don't like them.
Hearing about Liz's past was a nice touch as well .

Chapter four gets a bit preachy, especially the bit with the drinking. There's some missing punctuation.
Ok, self flagellation isn't allowed, which is probably why we haven't any arms'
At the start of it it's missing a quotation mark.


This is a good back. Highly starred.
As I continue with it, I'm going to have to figure out which book to knock off my shelf.

TDonna wrote 407 days ago

What a title! How can anyone not read a book with this title? It's great. I couldn't agree more with Pollyanna's comment. Great start, instantly gripping. Distinct writer's voice. Awesome introduction of the character. I liked him within a few lines and now I have to read on.
T.Donna Robison
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 407 days ago

I have never,on this site, read the first few lines and realised immediately, that I would not stop reading until I reached the end.
This is a remarkable, thought provoking, funny and tear jerking story.
Your writing reminded me of 'Paulo Coelho' and another writer who's name (it's gone) the book was called 'Five people you meet after you die'. Something like that.
It's fantastic, I'm a bit lost for the right words. I'm just so glad that you uploaded the complete book.
It has truly made my day and made me think about my grown up children and dead father.
On my shelf now and five stars.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Pollyanna.

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