A War of the Heart

This is a really good book!!

This is a really good book!!

oh god! this is awesome i totally liked the first chapter

I think the Epilogue should include a bit more of Lucy and Raice since this is technically their story. And it might be better to use the last part with Trent as a Prologue for his story. Of course it's completely your decision to do whatever you wish, these are just suggestions. Otherwise, I think it is great, and I can't wait for the next part.

-A.J.

Hayley, Shelby is right. It certainly kept me going, but it seems you tried to drop as much info as possible into the start of the book, therefore it felt bottom heavy. On a plus side, I was hooked to the story and where it was going and thats a talent in anyones eyes. You brought your characters on nicely and explained them more than well enough for me. I will keep my eye on this as I see good things happening here. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or Watch List wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

A War of the Heart by Hayley E.
You have a create touch to your story that keeps the reader going on. There are many such themes for books on here, but you did well in keeping it your own.
However you have a tendency to ramble all at once at the beginning of the story. The whole subject of her parents was good, but the parts about her sister you can scatter about so it isn't all information all at the same time. It can drag the pace down and be dry.
Otherwise, nice work with Lucy's characters. She seems real and interesting.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Keeps getting better as I read. The way you balance detail and importance keeps the story flowing smoothly and quickly without leaving the reader wondering what happened. You've also developed your characters nicely, though I still get confused with the brothers for some reason (though that's probably my fault not yours). Keep up the good work and I can't wait for the ending.

-A.J.

hi i really enjoyed reading this i hope there's more lol

hi i really enjoyed reading this i hope there's more lol

Hi,
I've had a good read of your novel so far and I enjoyed what I read. I particularly liked the first section of Trent's thoughts. that was the section with the 'hook' for me.
It starts off very much like a young adult novel but further along the language and situations get more mature and, judging from the synopsis, I'm guessing that this will be the theme for the rest of the book. So my suggestion (and of course you can totally ignore me) would be to alter the beginning slightly to make Lucy's attitude a little more mature.
I have starred this and will give it a little spin on my shelf.
Good luck with the rest of your story.
Raquel.
Foxblood.
xx

Hi, Hayley. Okay, to warn you, I am sick of vampire/werewolf stories because I think many writers are just trying to copy the success of Twilight. That said, as I read your pitch, it sounds like more of a humorous tale, maybe dark humor (I won’t know until I actually read it), but I like a story that kind of makes fun of its own genre.

I like your first sentence. “Why did I agree to this again?” It’s a good way to hook the reader.

“Her tan throat,” I’m not sure you really need to say tan here. When someone is described as tan, I usually picture their face or their arms… Not their throat being tan. If you want to say she’s tan, I’d find another way to do so. But that’s your choice.

“felt tight, and she tucked…” Again and again, people tell me that I shouldn’t have a comma in that spot. So I would give you the same advice. Remove the comma. Or separate it into two sentences. “Her throat felt tight. She tucked…”

“scared to death of heights, and Mindy knew it.” What about, “Heights scared her, and her sister knew it.” Or even begin the sentence with and. “Heights scared her. And her sister knew it.” I usually don’t like writers who begin the sentence with ‘and’, but this is a spot where ‘and’ could work.

“was fast, and had loops,” Again, remove the comma.

“taking out the trash, and paying the bills.” Remove comma.

I think you go too much into the backstory about Lucy moving in to the parent’s house, how they split the inheritance, how far they were from neighbors, etc. If you begin the chapter with the roller coaster, then most of the scene should be centered around the roller coaster. You don’t want to spend four paragraphs talking about the roller coaster, and then five paragraphs on backstory, and then pull us back to the roller coaster. Trim as much of the backstory as you can, or save it for later. Keep us in the present, not stuck explaining everything that’s already happened.

“you know I’m scared to death of heights.” If you want her to say that (which is fine, characters can use cliché in dialogue because that’s how people speak)… But if you want her to say this, then remove the earlier part about how she is scared of heights. Or change the earlier part to something such as her knee shakes as she peers up at the roller coaster – that’ll give us the impression she is afraid of heights.

“and I have the dirty blonde.” Hyphenate dirty-blonde.

“She took after my dad, and I took after my mother.” No comma.

I don’t like how she tells Trent stuff that he can obviously see. “My hair is dirty-blonde.” “My eyes are blue.” He can see that. She wouldn’t say it aloud. So find another way to let the reader know her hair and eye color.

Okay, that's all for now. Good luck with the rest of the story. All the best!

Shaun Holt
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict / Columbian Death

Oh, I forgot - when I have room on my shelf, I would like to back your story. I usually leave books there for a week or so.

Jennifer

Hello

I like how this story starts out. It is full of promise. I like your characters and build up the surroundings and your characters very well. I would suggest besides a little editing is to watch your action scene at the end. In very intense scenes or scary ones, the sentences should be direct and to the point. It's okay to use one word for a sentence. This helps grab the reader and throws them into the scene. It also gives the reader no time to think about what's going on. Also use the active voice in these scenes and as much as possible. Try to eliminate filter words such as could or began. These can separate the reader also. Sometimes it's hard to see them in our own work, but if you start watching for them there will be less. :-)

I wish you the best of luck with your story. If you have any questions about anything I said, please feel free to ask.

Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Dear Hayley,

I really like the premise for this story. It is developing well through these first two chapters. I like Lucy, she has a strong, fiery side, but at the same time has a soft side too. I made some notes as I went along, some are just spelling mistakes, others just my opinion on sentence structure:

Chapter 1:
parent's (parents)
'...she had her parents full attention... (parents')
'She also inherited her parent's car had. (She also inherited her parents' car.)
End of chapter one: stuff (stuffed)

Chapter 2:
'It was then another good idea popped into her head.' (How about: She changed tactics.)

You write: 'He started running off after the girl, howling to giver her position away'.....next paragraph: 'He started walking, shaking off the pain; his mind only on getting to Lucy. He started running moments later....' Was he not already running?

'He was larger than a normal wolf, almost like a small horse, only a little smaller' (He was larger than a normal wolf, only a little smaller than a horse. (or perhaps pony?) Otherwise you are saying it is a little smaller than a small horse...sounds a bit cluncky.

'...and felt her relax against her.' (against him.)

'....like hell he wasn't going to protect her.' (was going to protect her)

There is one paragraph where you use 'friend' three times. Maybe try to use some synonyms.

'...she might not have been mad at him.' (Well, maybe apart from the fact that he smacked her over the head, knocking her unconscious?)

'He knew instantly that something was wrong by the color of Riven's eyes.' (Raice's eyes)

'He would get his mate, not matter what.' (no matter what)

Overall, I enjoyed reading this and your clearly have talent!

Best of luck!

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance