Little Angels

Hi Trevor, I read chapter 5. Wow this is a powerful piece of writing, you have done a lot of research or been through this yourself, either way I take my hat off to you for sharing it with us all. I felt the first part of the chapter leaned too heavily on the possible sexual lifestyle fo the 'Good Doctor'. I was starting to get bored if I am honest, but in a way like the Doctor I became interested in the sad account that followed. This is because I have witnessed similar disclosures, working with some of the people I have encountered in my research (though I must say not so graphic or religious). One thing you highlighted for me that most people would never be aware of is the lack of compassion by professionals, they are there for their 'bit', the bit they are getting paid for and when times up thats it. Your Doctor is using only humanistic counselling but that doesnt help anyone IMHO, keep this in the book. I feel people are best helped with a combination of different counselling styles, something I deal with in my next book, oddly.
Apart from a few typos, spelling John with a little 'j', and some random capitalisations of words that could possibly have been formatted as italic to add emphasis, it is an excellent piece of writing.
I hope this book reaches the bookshelves and people get to read about it, I have also witnessed 'settled out of court' hush money payouts you mention in your pitch, it's disgraceful. Good Luck.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock
If you are able to find time, I would appreciate a return read.

This is quite an 'in your face' piece of work. You paint a very bleak picture of how Eggy lives and all the bleeding wound cracks are on show, no holds barred. It was quite depressing to read but this is life for some poor souls. Your writing style suits this perfectly and sometimes I felt like I was being sucked into a real life documentary. The part where Eggy is re-using cigarettes to fit into joint skins is superb. Not into that kind of thing myself but it sounds pretty realistic. The description of Eggy flushing the condoms down the toilet was so poignant. I challenge anyone not to be affected by that. Well done. I would be happy if you want to do a return read.

Kim (Pain)

Hi Mrs B.. I already have read and commented.

Hi trevor,

This book is a bit too heavy for me , but I wish you all the best and have reated. Please can you do the same back

thanks

Mrs B

Hi trevor,

This book is a bit too heavy for me , but I wish you all the best and have reated. Please can you do the same back

thanks

Mrs B

Hello Trevor,

This is a book that I would describe with the words Raw Power. You bring the theme of abuse into sharp relief with your use of dialogue and the narrative skill which weaves the scenes together. This subject has been swept under the carpet for far too long and I have this book on my watchlist so that I can monitor its inevitable rise through the ranks. I will support you all the way to the editors desk because your hard-hitting writing style is one that cannot be ignored when it makes print. Kind regards, Steve.

Well, trevca!

I have had a quick read of the first three chapters of "Little Angels" this evening. This is not my usual sort of book, but in the interests of fairness.... I have to say it is pretty amazing! You thread such realism through the dialogue of the first two chapters, so carefully set out so that we can read every word, and, despite the swearing, I really, really didn't care. Somehow, your main character shone through, even with all his warped logic.

I have heard about the ponies in the flats, and some of your scenes are just hilarious. The pony pissing in the lift, for one, and 'you can't beat Colombians for a great cup of coffee and great gear...." is another. Unexpected, quirky humour just lifts this story so beautifully.

The abuse is something I think I would find it hard to read about, so I hope you don't mind that I only read the first three chapters. From what we have here, I would say you have a really great story, totally realistic and sympathetic characters....very well done! Highly rated indeed!

Fran Macilvey, "Happiness Matters" :-)

Hi trevca i have just finished chapter 5 and how Manzer describes what he went through the shame he felt not being able to separate the boy from the man is exactly how i feel today and have felt for34 years For that reason i'm sorry to say i can't read any more. your book is brilliantly written and without doubt will be published. i wish i had your talent for writing. I starred it highly and will put it on my shelf as soon as i have room yours sincerely Phil.

One of the most shocking, painful and disturbing stories I've read. Your writing is passionate, confrontational, and at times beautiful. An extraordinary achievement. Six stars.

David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

{Little Angels} – Trevor O Murchu

After reading your pitches I was very keen to see how this story would unfold. I read the first two chapters with a lot of interest, and found your writing style quite different which was refreshing. Though at first the accents were a little difficult, once I settled in, I really enjoyed reading and you really convey a good sense of the setting.

I also liked the way you portray things about Eggy through linking with the present action – for example in chapter one, watching the thief, and then telling us how because of his childhood experiences of petty theft, he is on the thief’s side. It was interesting to be inside his head and I enjoyed seeing the world from his eyes. This is very well done.

Your dialogue fits well with the story and aids in the characterization, although a small point is I’d perhaps be inclined to insert a couple of dialogue tags in the dialogue sections (for instance “Jaysis Christ pal….’) just so we can follow it a little easier, and you could use the opportunity to develop the characters more by outlining how they respond, etc. I also think some of the lines need to be punctuated (commas and fullstops) and words capitalized.

Overall I think this has great potential and I’m sure it will do well. High stars from me! Thanks so much for your lovely comment on ‘Dawn of Destruction’!
Cara

This is some very beautiful writing. Your voices are very distinct and interesting to listen to. The descriptions are strong as well.
Critique-wise, I might look for ways to break up the very long opening monologue, just for variety, with another character to bounce thoughts off of and exchange comments, but I'm not sure that's practical.
I would Capitalize the first letter of each quote and each sentence, just standard writing -- I'm not sure why you chose not to, but I think it detracts rather than helps. You've also got multiple periods here and there that don't seem to follow any rule, and I'd get rid of them.
Those minor technical issues aside, I think you're a talented writer with a grim tale to tell! This is a worthwhile project. Keep up the good work!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi, I'm not quite finished chapter one yet, but almost. I have to pop out soon, but wanted to let you know what I thought of your story thus far. I like Eggy's voice quite a lot. I appreciate natural dialogue being used in stories, especially since it gives me a sense of the country the book is set in. I had no problem understanding Eggy and found his thoughts/words about what was happening outside very amusing, even more so that he knew what was often coming: From the kids making up to the "bint" being punched, and Eggy's hope that the li'l thief would get away. I thought you described these well along with the horse scene, which had me re-reading that part to see if it was real. I thought he had to be high :)

Nitpick: My only suggestion for editing would be to start the dialogue off with capitals, rather than lower cases. That's all for now, I'll finish the chapter tomorrow, etc. as I'm off to run my first marathon tonight. All the best, Marita.

Hello

This is a descriptive and interesting story. I love the premise and you do a good job with the characterization. The way you use word plays a large part on how this story conveys its message. You've done a great job with it. The pace and flow are great and it is hard to put down to stop reading in virtual wording. :-) I wish you the best of luck with this. I do plan on backing it when there is room on my shelf.

Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Hi Trevor,

I read chapters 1,3,7 and 17. Couldn’t get 4 because of a loading error.

Overall I think it’s an excellent idea for a book, to follow a group of friends from the torture of a Christian Brothers reformatory school and the effects it had on their adult lives. I think your long pitch could be used to give more of a flavour of their characters and stories. At the moment it reads like a pitch for a non-fiction book.

Eggy’s character is established really well in his Ballymun flat, you really capture his voice and situation. His observations from his window of the passersby are intelligent and astute and his dealings with the boy and the horse full of humour. Since the dialogue is mostly in his own head I don’t think you have to keep saying things like, ‘he thought’, ‘he guessed’, ‘he considered’, especially as the thoughts are already italicised.

In Ch 3 you use lovely language to set the scene. The contrast with the horror inside the school is stark. You could watch out for repeated words and phrases. In the first few paragraphs there are a lot of words like scent, sense and smell and in the second paragraph you use horse a lot.

At the end of the fourth paragraph the voice shifts to tell about the abuse that went on in Catholic institutions. I’m not sure that’s needed, it’s just a bit of a tip-off that these idyllic surroundings hide a darker secret.

It’s a great idea to introduce the kids and brothers through the gardener. And the story with Eggy, Lenny and Manzer is well-done. The innocence of the tale is poignant. I didn’t quite believe they’d all start cheering if they were so scared of getting caught by the brothers.

The scene in the dormitory at the start of Ch 7 is also well done, with the solemn oath between Eggy and Smarts. Smarts’ concern for Lenny is very touching, and seemingly a precursor of things to come. The arrival of Brosnan is full of menace. Then the rape scene is truly horrific, and difficult to read. It’s hard to be objective about a scene like that. I wondered would it be more chilling if the priests were slightly more controlled, not so crazed. And if the language was a bit more muted, avoiding words like ‘yanked profusely’, ‘sickest and most depraved’ (even though that’s clearly what they were). But it’s a brave thing you’ve done to describe the abuse so unflinchingly.

It’s great to see Eggy’s character come through as he’s left in the pigsty. Describing it in terms of Day 1, Day 2 etc, breaks the rules of your narrative a bit. Maybe Eggy could consciously count out the days with a row of pebbles, or something.

Overall there’s lots of great writing, and excellent characters. I think it’s important to explore this chapter of Irish history with fiction.

Best of luck with it,
Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Oh so sad, poor Eggy and her expectation, facing a lot. Sad and indecent scenes of explanation, children witnessing. This is a rather indescetianal story though we are aware that this sorts do happen.
Good luck.

This was fun! I had fun with the new phrases from a culture I'm not familiar with. Good job! I'll WatchList it and get it up soon!

Read through what you have listed as chapter 1. I enjoyed this glimpse into the life of the people of Ballymum. It seems your MC, Eggy, is constantly doleing out excuses for the people around him and their way of life, laughing at them one minute, excusing them the next. Very interesting read! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Wow! I think I read most of this with my jaw dropped open!:) You write with a descriptive clarity that is unbelievable (in a good way) because although the reader keeps thinking, I cant believe this, your characters arefully devoped and their dialogue believable in a way that is true to their character. Many stars and I wish you the best in your endeavors, you truly have in- your-face skill that is undeniable. :)
p.s. I laughed right out loud when I read about the boy bringing the horse on the "lift" and Eggy tried to pretend like it wasn't there,till it starting to pee !!! OM Goodness! Haha!:)
Laura A. Diaz
They Call Me Blanca

Really quite a bravura performance and an excellent introduction into the world of young people . I must say the Christian Brothers always have a resonance , even if only because of its association with a bygone world of teacher violence . Also A Christian Brother wrote my favourite teacher/pupil report remark was as follows ;' Peter was one of the most unpleasant pupils I ever taught , but it has to be said he can take a punch.' watchlisted and starred. Would you b e able to look at the first chapter of my novel ' A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17thy century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon