The Dwarfbean's Big Surprise

An interesting story set in an intriguing fantasy world. I liked the humour in the first chapter and the interaction between the king and the dwarf. This has the potential to develop into a great adventure story, and I'll be keeping it on my watchlist to read more later. Great stuff.
Emma

Not my normal chosen genre these as getting older in years and there are too many 'pseudo Tolkien' books going about just now, but...this was a good opener...I think this one would appeal to the 70% of the writers / readers of this ilk on Authonomy at present.
It looks good though and will apeal to the chosen......and 'Star rated'.. good luck with the writing bro.
David

I liked this first chapter, the characters of Dolwipf and the young king both amusing, even more so the king's quest to get a wife and his annoyance that he lives in a place where there aren't any beautiful woman. I don't really have any good suggestions for improvement, though you could possibly change the last description of Dolwipf when he knocks at the door as you've already said he's a "A small, burly middle-aged man-creature." Other than that everything flowed well and you kept my interest all the way through chapter 1, making for an enjoyable read and opening. I'll mention your book in the YA group on the forum. All the best, Marita.

An interesting story set in an intriguing fantasy world. I liked the humour in the first chapter and the interaction between the king and the dwarf. This has the potential to develop into a great adventure story, and I'll be keeping it on my watchlist to read more later. Great stuff.
Emma

HI Chris,

There's some interesting ideas here, but I felt that the plot was rather impersonal. We need to get to know the characters more so we feel closer to them and care about their situation. It really starts to get going towards the end of the second chapter and I liked your use of description of the bean etc.

As other people have mentioned you have to be careful repeating phrases too often. Sometimes I thought you did this for effect but other times I wasn't sure.

Here are my close comments

CH 1
horizontal crescent above the horizon
-wasn't sure about the repetition of horizon, a little jarring perhaps

opened into the room WHERE the king was standing

I am not going to have my standards dropped!
- better - NOT GOING TO LOWER MY STANDARDS.

Blasphemous
- better TREASONOUS ?

The shadow of the throne was greater than the DWARFit was cast UPON. As the king held it THERE, HE shouted once more,
- multiple deletions

someone who is of A lesser STANDARD than I had demanded

Crumbling
-should be SMASHING

The king lamented THE broken throne

in fear and pushed himself to HIS feet

A small, burly, middle-aged man figure
-commas

THROUGH research in the Great Library of Algren the Studious we have already counted 37 women who surpass your EXPECTATIONS/REQUIREMENTS
- "we have already" appears twice

of the surrounding realms and its VILLAGES

the dwarfs, the gnomes, the tinker elfs, and the humans, were hard workers. He knew that the first THREE races were especially magical
- ?

ready to blast a silence curse at HIM.

The dwarf eagerly COMPLIED, not out of pure obedience or will,

The common thought that he couldn’t succeed being so young was DISproven early on by his ruthless bravery


the smoking pipe
- I don't know if you'd get away with a king toking on what sounds like marijuahna in a teen fairy tale

I’d like to think that it’s not just you that seems to not be pleased with me.”
-confusing sentence

Chapter 2

but had kept the notion of universal taxation PRESENT everywhere else in his kingdom.

they WOULD ALL be forced into giving up smaller excess taxes, yet excess taxes none the less.

They were then going to cross into THE merchant district

We are here to COLLECT FUNDS and you will be happy with that

They all LOOKED around at each other and after sharing a few glances

, asked his peers, “What do you SUPPOSE it is?”

even IN a relatively small dwarfish hand.

can’t have THIS wasted as part of a tax

I hope that helps,

best of luck

Benedict

Hi Chris,

I'm mid chapter 2 right now and think I've spotted a few patterns that you can work on.

first, scroll up and count how many sentences start with "The" or "They" it's okay when sketching out the story but on a second rewrite you may want to mix it up a little. I'll give you an example.

"The candle-carrying dwarf did as he was told, holding the lit candle inside each straw basket"
can become
"Holding the lit candle inside each straw basket, the candle-carrying dwarf did as he was told."
It starts the sentence with flavor so the reader wants to reach the end of it.

If i wrote "I'm a fast typer" the descriptive is "fast" - very common.

On some descriptives you want a reader to draw their own conclusions. "his fingers danced across the keyboard." will leave the reader thinking "hmm this person can type"
In your books first chapter. the large oak doors. how can you get the reader to conclude that the door was large? Perhaps: "he looked up, straining his next while examining the oak door's frame. In his mind wondering 'I am the tallest of my family, just who was this door built for?'"

So that's some nasty heart crushing comments now for a bit of good news. Your paragraphs and the way you incorporate conversation is brilliant. Conversationally you really do have it... good stuff.
You're a very consistent well paced writer who's flow doesn't change per page/chapter. again, good stuff.
I think, as you deepen some aspects, you really will make an excellent writer.

All inclusive. adwarf beans and sunshine that entice harvestera and gardeners. Then King and kIngdon and his people with full activities.
Sward, Dagger you mentioned, action there, suspect too. women and fancy also. Then goes to harvest season.
Highwayman and attack there, asking Kessy to get Kingdom'd guards atention.
I do recommend you do continue with adding more chapters to conclude your story.
Good and easy language used to make it easy read. High rate.

Not my normal chosen genre these as getting older in years and there are too many 'pseudo Tolkien' books going about just now, but...this was a good opener...I think this one would appeal to the 70% of the writers / readers of this ilk on Authonomy at present.
It looks good though and will apeal to the chosen......and 'Star rated'.. good luck with the writing bro.
David

I liked this first chapter, the characters of Dolwipf and the young king both amusing, even more so the king's quest to get a wife and his annoyance that he lives in a place where there aren't any beautiful woman. I don't really have any good suggestions for improvement, though you could possibly change the last description of Dolwipf when he knocks at the door as you've already said he's a "A small, burly middle-aged man-creature." Other than that everything flowed well and you kept my interest all the way through chapter 1, making for an enjoyable read and opening. I'll mention your book in the YA group on the forum. All the best, Marita.