FREEBORN

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there's almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I've never read anything that's similar, and that's a good thing. You're very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn't appeal to everyone but it's originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren't confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward.

John Lucas Hargis - I think you have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands!

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn't think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with eachother are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genious, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

John, Although not my bag, this is awesome. So so well written its unreal. What an idea for a book and a lot of work gone into it before you actually started writing. Its paying dividends now. Loved the ideas you throw around this book as they are so formal and loved the pace of it. Wow. well impressed. So well done and this will score high for me. You will attract a lot of readers here.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

This was a good read and well written well done a good writer you are

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

FREEBORN
Wow. This is a creepy, scary story. A reader can’t help but feel sorry for Katia. This parasite is growing and growing inside her. Adam is a good second character (although killing the doctors seemed a little extreme; maybe tasering them would be better?) A small thing: I need you identify better where this parasite grows for credibility. When Katia notices the parasite shift on Adam’s back, it also seems as if it’s in a kidney. Is it in the actual stomach? If so, putting a needle into the stomach wouldn’t be an amnio (amniocentesis means putting a needle through the amnio membrane in the uterus). It would be a gastrostomy if it’s into the stomach. If the needle is going into an empty space in the abdominal cavity, it would be a laparoscopy. Either way, this is a good read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

well written and chilling. a horrid idea from the start: you do very well indeed. superb writing.
backed...
read SEASONS...

I totally appreciate the insights. Keep reading at your own leisure.

Okay John, I've read two chapters just now, and have blown up a few pages of my notebook with thoughts. I tend to do long and rambling reviews, and if you were smart you'd just ignore everything I say, as I'm unqualified to comment on writing, nor anything in general, but I do anyway. Here we go!

I have a soft spot for Russian names. I think this is because I had a Russian nanny when I was little. Anyway, I immediately liked Katia for this reason.

In the beginning paragraphs, I would have rather you 'showed' me Katia's disguise (yes, I'm the asshole who's pulled out the show v. tell card) rather than just flat out tell me what it was. The adjusted her wig part was a big giveaway, maybe you could just leave it at that?

Few sentences read awkwardly to me (may be because I am an idiot) "....with a pop she couldn't get used to...' I get what you're going for with this sentence, but for some reason the 'she couldn't get used to' really pulled me out of the narrative.

I think the Trapped. Cornered. Nowhere to run. was over-kill. I think you could have gotten the same result by just leaving it at Trapped.

I'm not sure how I feel about the sentence '...breathing one another's breath." Again, I totally get what you're aiming for here, but I'm not sure whether I like it. I like the imagery, but the wording sounds a bit off.

You mentioned Adam had 'soft, pleading eyes', which sort of threw me -- his dialogue did not sound at all soft and pleading, so I found myself sitting here, scratching my head and wondering, in my overtaxed little brain, why he'd have soft and pleading eyes, when everything else that I'd seen of him had been anything but.

Another random thing I loved -- Adam's name. One of my own characters names is Adam :)

Another sentence that read strangely: '....watching the curiosity of a girl drop her head and trudge toward him...' Again, I had to stop, think, and re-read. I thought they were running? Maybe I missed something. Either way, it read oddly to me.

I didn't really have an issue with this (if anything I think it spices up the story) but I think less intellectual souls will have a problem keeping up with the frequent head-jumps. They may be jarred by switching between Katia, Adam, Nana (or whatever her name was...). Again, didn't bother me, but just a thought I wanted to throw out there for you.

I loved how the 'parasite' reacts to Katia's emotions/actions/etc in her stomach. It's strange, and different, and then I realized it's not exactly a parasite, is it, as I continued reading...

I thought it was awesome foreshadowing when you said '....60 days remaining...' but then, come chapter 2, I realized it was a ruse.

Come chapter 2, I liked Katia more and more with each line of dialogue. She's snarky and unapologetic, and uses words I always use like "lame". You sold me on her ;)

Don't know why I'm mentioning this (because who cares, really) but I loved the line "....slipped into the comfort of her favorite pants and shirt'. There is nothing in the world like putting on your favorite, perfectly worn and broken-in clothing. I could feel the comfort with her!

So, like I said, I have only gone through two chapters. I tend to leave long and rambling reviews, full of stupid details, and I hesitate to read more because not everyone appreciates the honesty. If you've found me at all helpful, I can of course continue reading for you, just let me know. I really do hope I was of some assistance!

M

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?

I'm working on it! ;) I can't write it, type it, and upload it fast enough! Going away for a week. Expect at least 10 new chapters by May 18th!

Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?

I read 5 chapters of this when I only stopped by to read 2. So that is compliment on in its self. I think the future that you describe is probable. I also like the idea of nature finding a way and ultimately correcting what man has done. I do have a few comments.

* I like fast paced stories and this a really fast paced one. There are some elements that seem a little rushed. Like Katia's acceptance of her situation and kissing Adam. I would think if your whole reality was turned on its head you would be a little more confused

* Adam isn't a clone. I would think that Katia would find his appearance strange. That is if there are a finite amount of clones, she remarked that his name wasn't a clone name, wouldn't he look like no one she has ever seen before.

* it isn't clear to me where the lab / hideout stands. It seems the SG knows that the it exists at other times it seems as though they are off the radar. Maybe you can clarify a bit.

Overall, original story, great fast paced plot, and fun to read. Highly starred.

Added to watchlist and highly rated. Hope to get to it soon. Hope you can check out my friend's book. It is called Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77.

Okay, I read the first four chapters. This is really good, and definitely different from Aeon. I had a lot of questions but you answer them very nicely as I keep reading on-- I like how you don't info dump but slowly reveal your world and how freeborn pregnancies work and all the scientific gadgets and stuff. The pace is cracking and its easy to get lost in the story. I will read more later, because I have to know what happens. It's pretty awesome.

I made some notes as I read, and I'll just post them for your reference:

“One tiny prick from their portable infection detectors would unravel her disguise.” Why?

From what I’ve read, the gestation period for freeborns is one third the time of a real pregnancy. Knowing that, with Adam at the beginning of his third trimester, how is he able to be leaping over bodies and dashing everywhere? Pregnancies don’t normally allow for such things, and jumping is heavily frowned upon because it actually hurts the fetus.

“Mazing through yet another dark, musty building, Adam finally stopped.” I’m pretty sure there’s some fancy term for this, but I can’t think of what it is. Basically the problem is that Adam can’t stop while he’s mazing through a musty building. You could say, “After mazing through yet another dark, musty building…” but the other way doesn’t actually make sense if you think about it. Common mistake. I do it all the time.

“Heading back across the lab towards the hall, she noticed an open door [leading] into a small room.”

She left the image on the first floor as they bounded [up] the stairs…”

And she punches herself in the gut and doesn’t cause a miscarriage? I’m guessing there’s something else different about these pregnancies?

If Ambrosia is supposed to make people motionless, then why does Katia feel so much fear? Does it only go so far?

The scene at the end of chapter two—I couldn’t really understand what was going on. But maybe you meant for that?

Chapter Four: Why does Katia totally freak out when Aeiou tells her about Freeborns, but takes it just fine when Adam tells her?

I'll be reading the rest of what you've got, and I hope you'll post more soon!

xx Jasmine

Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there's almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I've never read anything that's similar, and that's a good thing. You're very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn't appeal to everyone but it's originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren't confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward.

John Lucas Hargis - I think you have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands!

Greetings!

I have read through to the end of chapter 3. You have a very interesting writing style and take a very fast-clipped pace with this story. All good things! There are a few things, however, I think could use some polish. First, you head hop. This was disconcerting and threw me out of the reading several times. For the most part, you stick to one character's perspective, but then you hop to the other character with direct thought or things that the perspective character shouldn't know. I think if you resolve this, it will really help this story shine.

I saw a few spelling mistakes throughout, but nothing that serious. A few grammar errors as well. I don't know what writing/editing style you use, but I suspect you'd catch the errors if you read the story outloud to yourself.

I will be backing this book. I hope to get a chance to read more of it in the upcoming days. Nice job.

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn't think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with eachother are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genious, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer

Munch away! My off-Authonomy betas are digging on it hard! Enjoy.

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer

Thanks for the feedback, Kate.
I've had two betas look over the first seven chapters, and a lot of their suggestions matched yours.

The editing has already begun! New versions will be up by Tuesday.

Hiya Lucas, took a look at your first chapter. As I expected the narrative is fast paced and the descriptions clear cut and vivid. I immediately emphasized with Katia and Adam. This holds the promise of a good read. That said, I noticed some slightly clumsy syntax, and unfinished descriptions, which in my opinion needs addressing. It comes across as rushed, almost as if you’ve flung the words onto the paper. However, these are relatively minor and just need a little tweaking.

Chapter 1

The infection rate had been steadily increasing. Even though she had taken every precaution, the sickness wormed( it) **its way into her blood. A parasite now squirmed in her gut.
Katia avoided the pair of heavily armed Doctors as she left the sidewalk, and mounted the steps to the ten-story before her. Like all the others, the corporate building had been converted (to) **into housing to accommodate the rising population caused by the Infection.
The woman in Suite 940 was her last hope. (While most slurred the woman as a Witch) *
**Didn’t like this, it seems a bit clunky. Suggest: While most people named her a witch… something along those lines.Il

lythia (possesses) Mixed tenses here, suggest changing to: possessed the ability to help the Infected through the final stages. The visit carried great risk. It could be a trap. But Katia’s Infection was full-blown. Her symptoms increased with every passing day. Soon, she would no longer be able to hide it.

A ripple rolled over the surface of his stretched skin as the parasite inside changed position. Sickness swept over Katia. (Repulsion) **Do you mean Revulsion?

Look, my name is…” he paused, (searching her,) Searching her what? Her face, her eyes? “…Adam. If you’re coming, it’s now or never.”

Adam’s eyes were soft, pleading, as (he whipped his coat) **Whipped his coat? Do you mean whipped his coat closed or around him? and disappeared around the corner of the building.

(He stared at her for a moment. What’s the deal? Who wants to walk up four flights? Whatever. I need to stay fit anyway. A few extras steps won’t hurt. These extra pounds are piling on, but only on the belly. Gotta keep the rest of this gorgeous body in shape. Never know who might be looking.)
**This paragraph doesn’t flow well. It’s hard to discern at first whether it’s dialogue or internal thought. Suggest: He stared at her for a moment, wondering what the big deal was. Who wants to walk up four flights of stairs. Then he shrugged. He needed to stay fit anyway. A few extra steps wouldn’t hurt. The extra pounds were piling on, but only on his belly….

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?

My question would be: How far did you read? One chapter. Takes a little more investment than that to get to the Tootise Roll center of any story. ;)

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone

I appreciate it, Ivan. Glad it left you with some questions you want the answers to. ;)

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.

"My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!"
-Fear not! The pacing follows the urgency of Katia's infection. The farther she gets, the more rapid her own pains--and thus the pain of the characters--becomes..

"besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what."
-Ahhhhh, I do not disagree. A clone might. At first...

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.