Book Jacket

 

rank 855
word count 18856
date submitted 18.04.2012
date updated 12.10.2012
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

FREEBORN

John Lucas Hargis

After 200 years of sterilization & cloning, the masses are becoming pregnant again--spontaneously--regardless of gender or age.

 

When the parasite begins squirming in Katia’s gut, the sixteen-year-old clone should submit to the so-called treatment of the militant Doctors. But obedient little clones who enter quarantine never come out. Chasing a rumor about a rebel safehouse, Katia meets a charming infected boy.

Adam reveals the truth: their parasites are actually human babies. Like Katia, nature is fighting against man’s effort to control her. The rebels devise an insane plan to accelerate the process. They intend to infect every man, woman, and child on Earth with the Freeborn babies the Doctors are seeking to destroy.

With Adam by her side and a gun in her hand, Katia slowly learns what it's like for a clone to feel real. But her newfound capacity for fear, love, courage, and hate only complicates her critical role in the mission. What initially felt like the right thing to do, begins to feel like another form of control. With the deadline and her due date imminent, Katia must weigh her own desires against the fate of ten billion strangers.

The key to humanity's freedom has been growing inside her all along.

But it wants out.

 
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tags

action, dystopian, infection, new world order, rebellion, science fiction, scifi, spontaneous pregnancy, teen, urban, virus, ya

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Chapters

3

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Chapter 3

 

Katia flinched at Gaston’s freezing hand on her forehead. So much touching. Crossing boundaries. Her eyes fought against the burning beam of his handheld light. She shivered—sizzling pain rippling through every strand of her.

“Your symptoms are worse than any I’ve seen.” Gaston’s breath hit her hot in the face. “The SG ordered an addictive agent to be added to Ambrosia 8.0 over a year ago. The amounts have been tweaked along the way, so the residents have come in with various levels of addiction. But, this…This is something else.”

He leaned back to look her in the eyes. Finally, Katia exhaled. He still lingered too close, too near—invading her space and exerting control with proximity and touch.

“Katia, have you ingested any serum voluntarily? Apart from the scanner doses?”

Her face erupted in a hotter heat. Why is that any of his business? A lot of people do it. It’s not like it makes me a freak. She weighed her response. He might give me some Ambrosia if I confess. Before Katia could speak, another round of convulsions kicked in. White light flooded her mind. Her eyes rolled back to darkness, and she slumped to the bed unconscious.

***

Adam dosed by Katia’s side all night as she slept. Gaston surmised that she had been using. There was no other explanation for the severity of her withdrawals. Thirty-three days infected with too much serum already poisoning her system. No easing her off it. A clean break was the prescription.

Katia twitched. A strand of hair fell across her face, resting on her lashes. Her once-white hair was already darkening to her natural shade. The longer she stays, the more the fake will seep out of her. She’s only ever known life as a clone. Needs time to learn what it’s like to feel real. Just like the dye, her numbness will drain away. Emotions will come.

He chanced a touch and slid the rogue strand of hair back with the others.

Katia stirred. Adam snatched his hand away.

Her eyes snapped open. She bolted upright and scrambled against the wall. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing…just staying with you while you sleep off the withdrawal. Gaston said I should watch over you.”

Fire tainted her words as Adam swirled before her. “I don’t need watching,” she snapped.

Spinning. Why is the room spinning? She buried her face in her hands and pressed her fingers into her cheeks to feel something solid. What she needed to feel was the prick of a needle—liquid joy flooding into her.

“Adam.” She tried to focus on his eyes. “It hurts so bad. I…I can’t stand it. I need a little.”

Her slim figure drew tight against the wall. Bloodshot eyes pleaded him. Full lips quivered with pain.

“Just a little,” her voice trembled.

“Gaston says it’s too late in the Infection to give you any more. The shakes will ease by tomorrow. The pain will die down soon. Just a couple days.”

“I hurt all over! Why can’t I have a tiny hit? Why does Gaston get to decide?”

He’s the boss when it comes to the medical stuff.” The tiny bump of her stomach caught Adam’s eye. “It’s not good. For either of you.”

She slapped her abdomen. “I can’t have any because of this damn thing?”

Katia clawed at her stomach. Adam grabbed her wrists. She struggled against his grip, glaring at him through sweaty bangs.

“If you won’t give me any, I’ll go to the closet and shoot the first thing I find. If Mom can have it, why can’t I?”

He released his hold.

“It’s not what you think. That’s not Ambrosia she’s taking.

“What is it, then?”

“It’s not mine to tell. But her injections do not contain the addictive agent. The stuff she takes would…would…be very bad for you. Mom has to deal with things far worse than addiction.”

“I doubt that.”

His eyes shifted, back and forth as he formed a plan.

“Okay. Listen.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. “I’ll sneak you some. But here’s the deal. Seven days. That’s it. A little less every day to ease you down. Then we’re done.”

“Go get it.”

***

In the elevator ride back up, Adam second-guessed his compromise. Gaston’s instructions were clear: no more Ambrosia. But Katia’s so distressed; she might try something stupid…If this is a stepping stone to help her through to the end, then it’s worth it.

Katia lay curled on her bed, bunched up in a ball, arms pinning her knees to her chest. Adam closed and locked the door behind him.

“This is Ambrosia 8.0. It has the least amount of agent. You’re already in your second trimester. It’s risky, but it’s the best I can do.”

Katia forced herself to sit up. If not for the hope of the syringe she would have remained a tight lump until the pain killed her dead. She lusted for the green syrup in the vial. She wanted it all. Adam retracted the plunger, filling the glass with her juicy savior.

She reached for it. Hands jerking wildly.

“Let me do it,” Adam said. “You can’t tell anyone.”

“Yes. I won’t. Please.”

She would have said anything.

Adam pushed up her sleeve. He found a fat, blue vein thumping through her skin, straining towards him. She twitched with anticipation as the cold point nibbled at her arm. Then the hot injection burned with its sweet, luscious fire.

A flood of bliss rushing through like piling on strands of real diamonds sparkling with raging light coursing through bones, exploding in colors of peaceful, gentle waves rolling. Giggling goosebumps. Floating in warmth thickened with sun and cloudless blue. Weightless.

***

Injection day two of seven. He shot the lesser amount of glowing green surging through the heavenly syringe. A little less feeding of the hunger. But enough.

“Can you stand?” Adam asked. “We have raid practice today. Got to be prepared in case there’s a shakedown. We start in the lab and do the mock drill I designed.”

“Okay,” Katia slurred through the fog of the Ambrosia. “Let me change and I’ll meet you down there.”

“Good. I can take the elevator,” he said with a smile.

She easily smiled back.

Once Adam and the serum vial were gone, Katia changed clothes. The lovely day demanded six necklaces. Lots of colors.

As she donned them, inspiration hit. She drifted to the exam room and selected a red crayon from the box of supplies used to draw on the walls. Back in her room, she coaxed the crimson wax into a hash-mark on the back of the door. Then a second one. Two injections down. Five to go.

She floated down the stairs, unaware of her inhales and exhales in the tight space. She drifted through the doorway, down the hall, and into the lab. Everyone greeted her. Good to see you. Glad you’re up and about. Your hair looks good. Ready to play hide-and-seek?

The three computer screens hanging on the wall sparked to life with a blue hum. A still image of the Surgeon General appeared—decked in more gold and jewels than any man’s neck should be able to support. His message of the day flashed on the screens as a deep voice narrated: ALL IS WELL. PROGRESS BEING MADE ON INFECTION. NEW AMBROSIA FORMULA IN COMING DAYS.

“If they only knew,” Nana said.

“We’ve got to crack the code first,” responded Renzo.

Rose mussed his hair. “Don’t worry. We’ll get it.”

His face tightened even further. “We’re down to fifty-five days until transmission.”

Aeiou skipped out of her playroom wearing Katia’s granny wig. “Uncle Adam, can I push the button to start the raid?”

“It’s almost time,” he answered. “I need to work out a quick adjustment for stairway girl over there.”

Come get us when you’re ready. Katia’s gonna play with me.”

With that, she grabbed Katia’s hand and tugged her into the playroom. Aeiou showed off her things: shelves of old books Nana had given her, a tiny bed smothered in dolls, a hundred paper flowers she folded herself, a mini tea set, and a dress-up box.

“Sometimes I play with the kids up in the ward, but mostly I stay down here. I’m the only kid allowed in the lab,” she beamed. “I fill up the burnjuice for the Incen. It eats all the bad stuff and turns it back into pieces we can use. Annnd, I help Adam with the computers and Daddy with the formulas.”

The strange word sliced through Katia’s dizziness. “Daddy?”

“Yeah. Daddy. Lorenzo. Renzo. But I call him Daddy.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s who he is, silly! Like how Nana is Adam’s mom. But I don’t have a mom. Just a Daddy.”

Katia eased her shaking legs to the floor and picked at the coarse loops of carpet. “I don’t understand what Mom or Daddy means.”

Aeiou giggled. “Here we go again. I get to tell all the newbies.”

She settled on the floor facing Katia. Her six-year-old belly, hung heavy with Infection, rested on her little, crossed legs.

“Adam and me are Freeborns.”

Freeborns?

Aeiou blew a strand of wig hair out of her face. “You don’t know anything do you?”

“I guess not,” Katia said.

The mist of the serum was receding, but still fuzzed-up the edge of her thoughts. Katia focused on Aeiou’s squeaky voice as she explained.

“There are clones and Freeborns. The Surgeons make the clones in crops. One crop a month. Twelve girls and twelve boys at a time. Did you know the clones are named after old hurricanes?”

Katia shook her head.

“Well, they are. But Freeborns aren’t clones, so the Moms and Daddies always give them new names. Like Adam or Aeiou. The Surgeon General calls us parasites. But Nana says he’s just mad ‘cause he doesn’t like us being born without his permission. She says we’re not fake jewels. We’re the real thing.”

Freeborns aren’t clones? “I’m still confused. Where do Freeborns come from?”

Aeiou leaned towards Katia, willing her round eyes to explain the words. From the Moms and Daddies.

Katia blinked. Aeiou huffed.

“Okay. There are two ways to make a Freeborn. You ready?”

Katia nodded, unsure if she wanted to know more. Her buzz was fading.

“One is the Natural Way. Do you at least know what that is?”

“I’ve heard rumors…It’s forbidden. An abomination. It always leads to disease and death.”

“Rose says that’s not true. It’s a lie the Surgeons like to say. Kissing doesn’t kill you. That’s stupid!”

“So, the Natural Way means two people kissing?

“Mmhmm. That’s what I think.” Aeiou crossed her arms and continued with a scowl. “But none of the grownups will tell me if I’m right or not. Daddy and Rose kiss all the time. They’re not dead! But Rose never gets a Freeborn either!”

Whether it was fatal or not, kissing was just weird. Why would anybody slime another person’s lips?

“So, if the Natural Way is one way to make a Freeborn, what’s the other way?”

“Infection! That’s how Adam and me were born. Nana was infected with Adam, and Daddy was infected with me. Now I’m the first Freeborn with a 2nd Gen infection. Adam’s right behind me, but I’m gonna beat him.”

Aeiou giggled and continued, “I can’t wait! I know he’s not gonna be like my dolls. He’s gonna eat and poop. It’s gross, but I love him already. Ouch, Billabello! That almost hurt! He gets a little crazy sometimes. Wanna feel him kick?”

Katia’s nails dug into the carpet. The parasite swirled inside her stomach. The playroom began rocking. Freeborns? Adam…Aeiou…made from Infection? But, the parasites aren’t human. They’re monsters. Nasty, ugly, vicious monsters.

Adam called from the lab, “Aeiou, Katia, we’re ready.”

“Yay!” Aeiou squealed. She jumped to her feet, brushing her infected belly against Katia as she tugged. “Come on. It’s time to push the button.”

Adam stood tall and lean, giving instructions in a voice close to that of his docent impression. He talked about sliding bookcases, false walls, and mirrors. Katia only half-registered one piece of what he said—something about running up the stairs and hiding under her bed. Aeiou hit the button that made the red lights in the corners of the lab start flashing. Adam nudged Katia towards the stairs.

More red lights flashed in the stairwell. She rounded the landings and burst onto the fourth floor. A fresh headache pounded. The parasite jerked. Other residents ducked into their rooms. Doors slammed closed. Katia hit the floor and shimmied under her bed. The glass of her necklaces clinked against the tiles beneath her. Tight. Dark. Close.

She held her breath.

Images of green flesh, sharp claws, and yellow fangs lurched at her. Adam’s face whirled with the body parts belonging to monsters. Infection doesn’t really insert a parasite? Kissing makes new humans? Freeborns? Fake jewels versus real ones. I’m not real. Manufactured like a string of cut-glass beads.

Pressure hammered at her chest. She needed to breathe. Needed air. It’s crazy. Aeiou’s telling fairy tales. Doesn’t make sense. Katia’s lungs heaved, fighting to make her inhale. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. It’s too much. Trapped.

***

“You can come out now.”

A voice floated down to Katia. She pulled herself out of a nightmare and forced her eyes open. Adam knelt next to her bed, peeking beneath it with a toothy grin. She jumped, slamming the back of her head into the underside of the bedsprings.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Adam said. You alright?”

“Yeah.” Her head throbbed. “No…”

He extended his hand. “Let me help you out.”

“No!” she yelled, then softened her tone. “I’ve got it. Just…just give me some space.”

His face disappeared and then his shoes shuffled away. Katia slid out and crawled onto her mattress. She stared at the crumpled pillow as she wrestled the blanket around herself. She kept her back to Adam, feeling the burn of his monstrous eyes.

“You feeling okay?” he asked. A monster’s claw stroked her shoulder. “Need me to get Gaston?”

She jerked from his touch. “I’m fine. I need rest.”

“Okay…The drill went off without a hitch. If a raid happens, we’ll be ready.”

Katia clenched her jaw. Nothing to say. Not to a talking parasite.

“If you’re feeling up to it tomorrow, I was thinking of training you to help me do the Ilythia runs. I’m gonna need someone to step in once my stomach gets too big.”

Silence.

Do you want to? It’ll get you out of the building.

“Sure,” she managed.

Adam left quietly. Leaving Katia alone with a wrenching gut.

***

 

Chapters

3

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scavola wrote 361 days ago

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

Alexandra Davidoff wrote 387 days ago

Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there's almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I've never read anything that's similar, and that's a good thing. You're very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn't appeal to everyone but it's originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren't confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward.

John Lucas Hargis - I think you have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands!

TMHickman wrote 388 days ago

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn't think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with eachother are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genious, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

Seringapatam wrote 35 days ago

John, Although not my bag, this is awesome. So so well written its unreal. What an idea for a book and a lot of work gone into it before you actually started writing. Its paying dividends now. Loved the ideas you throw around this book as they are so formal and loved the pace of it. Wow. well impressed. So well done and this will score high for me. You will attract a lot of readers here.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

made wrote 220 days ago

This was a good read and well written well done a good writer you are

Shnoowie wrote 247 days ago

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

Shnoowie wrote 247 days ago

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

Shnoowie wrote 247 days ago

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 318 days ago

FREEBORN
Wow. This is a creepy, scary story. A reader can’t help but feel sorry for Katia. This parasite is growing and growing inside her. Adam is a good second character (although killing the doctors seemed a little extreme; maybe tasering them would be better?) A small thing: I need you identify better where this parasite grows for credibility. When Katia notices the parasite shift on Adam’s back, it also seems as if it’s in a kidney. Is it in the actual stomach? If so, putting a needle into the stomach wouldn’t be an amnio (amniocentesis means putting a needle through the amnio membrane in the uterus). It would be a gastrostomy if it’s into the stomach. If the needle is going into an empty space in the abdominal cavity, it would be a laparoscopy. Either way, this is a good read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Su Dan wrote 353 days ago

well written and chilling. a horrid idea from the start: you do very well indeed. superb writing.
backed...
read SEASONS...

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 357 days ago

I totally appreciate the insights. Keep reading at your own leisure.

melissa_simonson wrote 357 days ago

Okay John, I've read two chapters just now, and have blown up a few pages of my notebook with thoughts. I tend to do long and rambling reviews, and if you were smart you'd just ignore everything I say, as I'm unqualified to comment on writing, nor anything in general, but I do anyway. Here we go!

I have a soft spot for Russian names. I think this is because I had a Russian nanny when I was little. Anyway, I immediately liked Katia for this reason.

In the beginning paragraphs, I would have rather you 'showed' me Katia's disguise (yes, I'm the asshole who's pulled out the show v. tell card) rather than just flat out tell me what it was. The adjusted her wig part was a big giveaway, maybe you could just leave it at that?

Few sentences read awkwardly to me (may be because I am an idiot) "....with a pop she couldn't get used to...' I get what you're going for with this sentence, but for some reason the 'she couldn't get used to' really pulled me out of the narrative.

I think the Trapped. Cornered. Nowhere to run. was over-kill. I think you could have gotten the same result by just leaving it at Trapped.

I'm not sure how I feel about the sentence '...breathing one another's breath." Again, I totally get what you're aiming for here, but I'm not sure whether I like it. I like the imagery, but the wording sounds a bit off.

You mentioned Adam had 'soft, pleading eyes', which sort of threw me -- his dialogue did not sound at all soft and pleading, so I found myself sitting here, scratching my head and wondering, in my overtaxed little brain, why he'd have soft and pleading eyes, when everything else that I'd seen of him had been anything but.

Another random thing I loved -- Adam's name. One of my own characters names is Adam :)

Another sentence that read strangely: '....watching the curiosity of a girl drop her head and trudge toward him...' Again, I had to stop, think, and re-read. I thought they were running? Maybe I missed something. Either way, it read oddly to me.

I didn't really have an issue with this (if anything I think it spices up the story) but I think less intellectual souls will have a problem keeping up with the frequent head-jumps. They may be jarred by switching between Katia, Adam, Nana (or whatever her name was...). Again, didn't bother me, but just a thought I wanted to throw out there for you.

I loved how the 'parasite' reacts to Katia's emotions/actions/etc in her stomach. It's strange, and different, and then I realized it's not exactly a parasite, is it, as I continued reading...

I thought it was awesome foreshadowing when you said '....60 days remaining...' but then, come chapter 2, I realized it was a ruse.

Come chapter 2, I liked Katia more and more with each line of dialogue. She's snarky and unapologetic, and uses words I always use like "lame". You sold me on her ;)

Don't know why I'm mentioning this (because who cares, really) but I loved the line "....slipped into the comfort of her favorite pants and shirt'. There is nothing in the world like putting on your favorite, perfectly worn and broken-in clothing. I could feel the comfort with her!

So, like I said, I have only gone through two chapters. I tend to leave long and rambling reviews, full of stupid details, and I hesitate to read more because not everyone appreciates the honesty. If you've found me at all helpful, I can of course continue reading for you, just let me know. I really do hope I was of some assistance!

M

scavola wrote 361 days ago

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 379 days ago

Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?



I'm working on it! ;) I can't write it, type it, and upload it fast enough! Going away for a week. Expect at least 10 new chapters by May 18th!

Helianthus wrote 379 days ago

Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?

NerdGirl61023 wrote 379 days ago

I read 5 chapters of this when I only stopped by to read 2. So that is compliment on in its self. I think the future that you describe is probable. I also like the idea of nature finding a way and ultimately correcting what man has done. I do have a few comments.

* I like fast paced stories and this a really fast paced one. There are some elements that seem a little rushed. Like Katia's acceptance of her situation and kissing Adam. I would think if your whole reality was turned on its head you would be a little more confused

* Adam isn't a clone. I would think that Katia would find his appearance strange. That is if there are a finite amount of clones, she remarked that his name wasn't a clone name, wouldn't he look like no one she has ever seen before.

* it isn't clear to me where the lab / hideout stands. It seems the SG knows that the it exists at other times it seems as though they are off the radar. Maybe you can clarify a bit.

Overall, original story, great fast paced plot, and fun to read. Highly starred.

SciFi_guy wrote 381 days ago

Added to watchlist and highly rated. Hope to get to it soon. Hope you can check out my friend's book. It is called Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77.

Textual Ribbons wrote 386 days ago

Okay, I read the first four chapters. This is really good, and definitely different from Aeon. I had a lot of questions but you answer them very nicely as I keep reading on-- I like how you don't info dump but slowly reveal your world and how freeborn pregnancies work and all the scientific gadgets and stuff. The pace is cracking and its easy to get lost in the story. I will read more later, because I have to know what happens. It's pretty awesome.

I made some notes as I read, and I'll just post them for your reference:

“One tiny prick from their portable infection detectors would unravel her disguise.” Why?

From what I’ve read, the gestation period for freeborns is one third the time of a real pregnancy. Knowing that, with Adam at the beginning of his third trimester, how is he able to be leaping over bodies and dashing everywhere? Pregnancies don’t normally allow for such things, and jumping is heavily frowned upon because it actually hurts the fetus.

“Mazing through yet another dark, musty building, Adam finally stopped.” I’m pretty sure there’s some fancy term for this, but I can’t think of what it is. Basically the problem is that Adam can’t stop while he’s mazing through a musty building. You could say, “After mazing through yet another dark, musty building…” but the other way doesn’t actually make sense if you think about it. Common mistake. I do it all the time.

“Heading back across the lab towards the hall, she noticed an open door [leading] into a small room.”

She left the image on the first floor as they bounded [up] the stairs…”

And she punches herself in the gut and doesn’t cause a miscarriage? I’m guessing there’s something else different about these pregnancies?

If Ambrosia is supposed to make people motionless, then why does Katia feel so much fear? Does it only go so far?

The scene at the end of chapter two—I couldn’t really understand what was going on. But maybe you meant for that?

Chapter Four: Why does Katia totally freak out when Aeiou tells her about Freeborns, but takes it just fine when Adam tells her?

I'll be reading the rest of what you've got, and I hope you'll post more soon!

xx Jasmine

Alexandra Davidoff wrote 387 days ago

Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there's almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I've never read anything that's similar, and that's a good thing. You're very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn't appeal to everyone but it's originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren't confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward.

John Lucas Hargis - I think you have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands!

R.J. Blain wrote 388 days ago

Greetings!

I have read through to the end of chapter 3. You have a very interesting writing style and take a very fast-clipped pace with this story. All good things! There are a few things, however, I think could use some polish. First, you head hop. This was disconcerting and threw me out of the reading several times. For the most part, you stick to one character's perspective, but then you hop to the other character with direct thought or things that the perspective character shouldn't know. I think if you resolve this, it will really help this story shine.

I saw a few spelling mistakes throughout, but nothing that serious. A few grammar errors as well. I don't know what writing/editing style you use, but I suspect you'd catch the errors if you read the story outloud to yourself.

I will be backing this book. I hope to get a chance to read more of it in the upcoming days. Nice job.

TMHickman wrote 388 days ago

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn't think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with eachother are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genious, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 388 days ago

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer



Munch away! My off-Authonomy betas are digging on it hard! Enjoy.

patio wrote 388 days ago

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 393 days ago



Thanks for the feedback, Kate.
I've had two betas look over the first seven chapters, and a lot of their suggestions matched yours.

The editing has already begun! New versions will be up by Tuesday.

Lady Midnight wrote 393 days ago

Hiya Lucas, took a look at your first chapter. As I expected the narrative is fast paced and the descriptions clear cut and vivid. I immediately emphasized with Katia and Adam. This holds the promise of a good read. That said, I noticed some slightly clumsy syntax, and unfinished descriptions, which in my opinion needs addressing. It comes across as rushed, almost as if you’ve flung the words onto the paper. However, these are relatively minor and just need a little tweaking.

Chapter 1

The infection rate had been steadily increasing. Even though she had taken every precaution, the sickness wormed( it) **its way into her blood. A parasite now squirmed in her gut.
Katia avoided the pair of heavily armed Doctors as she left the sidewalk, and mounted the steps to the ten-story before her. Like all the others, the corporate building had been converted (to) **into housing to accommodate the rising population caused by the Infection.
The woman in Suite 940 was her last hope. (While most slurred the woman as a Witch) *
**Didn’t like this, it seems a bit clunky. Suggest: While most people named her a witch… something along those lines.Il

lythia (possesses) Mixed tenses here, suggest changing to: possessed the ability to help the Infected through the final stages. The visit carried great risk. It could be a trap. But Katia’s Infection was full-blown. Her symptoms increased with every passing day. Soon, she would no longer be able to hide it.

A ripple rolled over the surface of his stretched skin as the parasite inside changed position. Sickness swept over Katia. (Repulsion) **Do you mean Revulsion?

Look, my name is…” he paused, (searching her,) Searching her what? Her face, her eyes? “…Adam. If you’re coming, it’s now or never.”

Adam’s eyes were soft, pleading, as (he whipped his coat) **Whipped his coat? Do you mean whipped his coat closed or around him? and disappeared around the corner of the building.

(He stared at her for a moment. What’s the deal? Who wants to walk up four flights? Whatever. I need to stay fit anyway. A few extras steps won’t hurt. These extra pounds are piling on, but only on the belly. Gotta keep the rest of this gorgeous body in shape. Never know who might be looking.)
**This paragraph doesn’t flow well. It’s hard to discern at first whether it’s dialogue or internal thought. Suggest: He stared at her for a moment, wondering what the big deal was. Who wants to walk up four flights of stairs. Then he shrugged. He needed to stay fit anyway. A few extra steps wouldn’t hurt. The extra pounds were piling on, but only on his belly….

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 396 days ago

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?



My question would be: How far did you read? One chapter. Takes a little more investment than that to get to the Tootise Roll center of any story. ;)

NMott wrote 396 days ago

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 397 days ago

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone



I appreciate it, Ivan. Glad it left you with some questions you want the answers to. ;)

Ivan Amberlake wrote 397 days ago

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 397 days ago

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.



"My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!"
-Fear not! The pacing follows the urgency of Katia's infection. The farther she gets, the more rapid her own pains--and thus the pain of the characters--becomes..

"besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what."
-Ahhhhh, I do not disagree. A clone might. At first...

scavola wrote 397 days ago

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.

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